Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e15 Episode Script
Love in Bloom
I can't figure out an original gift to get Harvey for Valentine's Day.
Cologne he'll never use.
A red sweater he'll never wear.
A teddy bear holding a sign that says, "I heart you.
" It's not easy coming up with something masculine, romantic and red.
Unless it's salmon.
Nothing says love like things that swim upstream.
[TOASTER DINGS, ZELDA GASPS.]
Oh.
I can't believe this finally came.
Oh, Sabrina, here is the perfect gift for Harvey: A certificate for a special gondola ride through the Milky Way.
Which would be harder to explain, the flying gondola or that I actually know a good burger joint on that side of the galaxy? Oh, don't worry, a mortal won't remember the ride but will be filled with a special feeling of love.
Like he's just sated himself on 40 pounds of coho.
I remember when you sent for this.
You were gaga over some mortal.
Mm.
Ulysses S.
Grant.
Oh, that's right.
Good old Ulie.
- Whatever happened to him? - He got old and died.
I can't believe you waited a hundred years for this.
Nothing's worth waiting Hey, it's got a coupon for free chocolates.
I know what I'm having for dinner.
But I don't think I'll redeem that free anvil coupon.
[GULPING.]
Harvey is gonna love this magic gondola ride.
I just hope he didn't get me the same thing.
[BIRD CHIRPING.]
Ah.
The first robin of spring.
That's him.
Devil bird.
That miserable little magpie has been keeping me up all night with his incessant chirping.
He must be stopped.
Oh, if only we had house cat to rid us of this terrible blight.
You're right.
What kind of feline am I? Bird, prepare to be Salem-ated.
Sabrina, what if he actually catches that poor defenceless bird? SALEM: Little help.
Oh, boy.
- Never mind.
[SALEM GRUNTING.]
Whew.
Hoo.
I think we should downplay Valentine's Day around Hilda.
I just felt so sorry for her this morning.
I mean, you have Harvey and I have Willard.
If it's any consolation, I think she feels worse for you.
She's been so depressed ever since she had to send Daniel Boone back.
Now she just spends her days moping around the attic.
So you really never had an Indian friend named Mingo? Heh.
No, ma'am, there isn't much companionship in the wild.
Believe me, when a tree falls in the forest, I hear it.
Well, you can stay here as long as you like.
I mean, until we get bored of each other, or my sister finds out.
Look at this.
It's just addressed, "To my valentine.
" And it's not signed.
"Dear valentine, I wish I could express in words how truly special you are to me.
" Harvey can be so sweet.
Sabrina.
Clearly this was written by a worldly, sophisticated, mature man.
My monkey.
Come on, this has "lovesick adolescent" written all over it.
[KNOCKS.]
Good morning.
Thought I could walk you to work.
Thank you for my valentine.
Valentine? I didn't send you a valentine.
But I did get you this stick of gum.
It's sugarless.
And this watch.
Before I have to thank you for your high-tops, Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.
I knew that.
I can't walk you to work, because I have to go to the mall and get them to gift-wrap the stuff I already got you.
Oh, monkey, I'm so sorry you're sick.
Drink fluids.
I love you.
He's got a cold and he's got no idea it's Valentine's Day.
Well, if Harvey didn't send it and Mr.
Kraft didn't send it, then it must have been sent for Aunt Hilda.
Sabrina, you're right.
And it couldn't have come at a better time.
[HILDA WHISTLING.]
Do we still have any of that venison left? It's a wonder she can get up in the morning.
Aunt Hilda, look what came for you in the mail.
An anonymous valentine from some secret admirer.
It couldn't be for me.
I'll be up in the attic making sure our wiring is up to code.
She's breaking my heart.
Relax, I don't want your powder pouch or your chaw of tobacco.
Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.
Good, because I'm fixing to make you a nice fur cap.
If I could just trap that pesky black varmint I see scurrying around here.
That's our family pet, so if you're thinking of trapping him-- He loves peanut butter.
[CHIRPING.]
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Why must you keep tormenting me? I've got bad news.
That insane voice in your head is you.
No, it's that bird.
I know he's taunting me.
If I could just understand what he's saying.
BIRD: Hey, everybody, look at this pathetic tub of fur who couldn't catch a bird if his life depended on it.
Now it's personal.
One double vanilla latte with a dash of cinnamon to kick it up a notch.
Thanks, but who needs cinnamon when I got your smile.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CASH REGISTER BEEPING.]
The number one perk about this job, besides the low pay and bad hours, is getting to flirt with every cute guy in Westbridge.
Hey, an anonymous valentine showed up at our house today.
- Maybe it's from one of these guys.
- You got an anonymous valentine? The girl with the devoted boyfriend also gets the secret admirer? And they say life isn't fair.
We're out of fat-free muffins, so push these calcium-rich cheese Danish.
So any big plans for Valentine's Day? A gondala-riffic night out with Harvey.
Nothing special.
Though it appears our Sabrina may have a secret admirer.
Oh, really? Any ideas? Like any secret admirer, he prefers to remain anonymous.
[HICCUPS.]
You okay? Oh.
I've gotta stop wolfing down those pickled eggs.
Cute, and she eats like a trucker.
Apparently, if you're in love with someone, even their involuntary muscle contractions are endearing.
There are lots of ways of trapping a bird.
The simplest is the "box and the piece of string" method.
[SNICKERS.]
Now, what animal would be slow enough to get caught--? Whoa! What happened? I don't understand why you aren't more interested in who sent you this valentine.
Because for every handsome, debonair man that might have sent it, there's a guy with a plate in his head.
I just wanna see you happy.
I couldn't be happier.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be up in the attic.
While you're up there, could you grab me some buckshot, honeybee? I wanna show Salem here how to load a musket.
I think honeybee's got some explaining to do.
- What does "stay in the attic" mean? - Don't worry.
Your cat said he'd warn me at the first sign of trouble.
Watch out, here they come.
- Hilda, I can't believe-- - Hold on.
You wouldn't wanna hurt a person who Someone apparently loves very much.
HARVEY: Hey.
Hope you're not still mad about Valentine's Day, but I brought you a chocolate kiss and a real one.
[HICCUPS.]
Number one cure for hiccups, a spoonful of sugar.
Yes, but only the special sugar we have at home.
See you.
She's still mad.
This weekend, I'm buying myself a calendar.
Even though our paths only crossed for an instant, you'll always have a special place in my heart.
Ditto.
Boy, I'm really gonna miss him.
And now I'm done.
Do you wanna get pedicures? You know, you should never have broken the Other Realm rules and kept him up in the attic all that time.
The basement was mouldy.
And now you're all alone.
Oh, you poor dear.
Interesting.
You were less irritating when you were angry.
You are so brave.
I am not gonna rest until I find out who sent you this valentine.
How are you gonna do that? Interview every guy I've ever dated? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
ZELDA: Excuse me.
All right, all right.
All the A's over by the cash register, please.
And have your handwriting samples out and ready for analysis.
I know this isn't the point of this exercise, but some of these guys owe me money too.
It's not fair.
I haven't used my magic, I haven't done a spell.
I haven't disobeyed my aunts, and yet I'm hiccupping sparkly pink hearts.
Yep, life's just one big adventure.
And speaking of adventure, come with me deep into the bush as we stalk the elusive dickey bird.
Sometimes I think you work at being annoying.
No, not really.
So that was a dead end.
But I think if we systematically retrace your steps over the last three months-- Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.
No, not really.
- Where have you been? - Uh-- Sweaty brow, panicked expression, frantically looking through the magic book.
- Just what every parent wants.
- Look.
[HICCUPS.]
Sabrina, this looks serious.
What's the matter with you? It's a very funny story.
I don't know.
You put Sabrina to bed, I'll call Cupid.
- Cupid? - Cupid.
He handles all heart-related matters, literal or figurative.
Who gives the second opinion, the Easter Bunny? What's with the getup, bwana? I'm going big-game hunting.
It looks like a big game doodied on your hat.
Yeah, well, it happened to Hemingway all the time.
[HEART BEATING.]
SALEM: Wow, your heart's beating louder than the bass on a Deadhead's boom box.
Oh, I can't imagine why.
My anxiety level is in "there aren't enough lifeboats" territory.
Finally.
Where's Cupid? Cupid's a little backed up with Valentine's Day, so he had to send his assistant.
- Where's the patient? - Roland? Okay, you've scared me, but I've still got the hiccups.
You know, some people collect stamps.
Other people seem to collect jobs.
Helping people find love is my true calling.
Plus, I already had the outfit.
So, what seems to be the problem? Well, my heart is racing, I'm hiccupping valentines and you're in my bedroom.
How can you make all three go away? Calm down.
I'm sure Roland can help.
Sorry, I meant that to sound sincere.
[CHIRPING.]
Now you mock me in front of my family? Why, you ZELDA: Salem, no.
SALEM: Yick, ack, doolt! My spleen.
- Oh.
SALEM: I'm okay.
He's got nine lives and I'm working on the only one I got.
Well, I really won't know anything until I open her up.
Open me up? I may be the only one concerned here, but he's not a doctor and I'm a bleeder.
The key to your heart.
No, that's to the Volvo.
Here it is.
Allow me.
What are you gonna do? I knew I should've gotten The Club.
ZELDA: There's the problem.
Your heart is made of valentine's candy.
Oh, good, I was afraid it was gonna be something serious.
Okay, so I have a heart that's made of valentine candy that says, "Be mine.
No, be mine.
" Why is this happening to me? I eat oat bran.
Not a priority, you might think about getting your hinges oiled.
Well, Roland, don't just stand there fingering your tunic, help her.
I'll see what I can find in the magic book.
I remember this from the training manual.
Your condition is very serious.
You must follow my instructions precisely.
What do I have to do? - First, take my hand.
- Then what? Be patient.
[HUMMING.]
Is this to make me feel better? I don't know about you, but I'm in heaven.
- Get out.
- What do you want from me? I'm just a temp.
These wings aren't even real.
ZELDA: Here it is.
"Candy Heart Syndrome.
" Well, Roland was right about one thing.
Your condition is quite serious.
A witch gets it only around Valentine's Day when two mortals are vying for her heart.
Two? What two? Harvey's the only one vying for my heart.
- At least before it was chewable.
- There must be someone else.
Hilda, I'm so sorry, but this means that that valentine wasn't for you.
It was for Sabrina.
Oh, no, I'm crushed.
I can't go on.
Smirk, though your heart is breaking.
Oh, yeah, Aunt Hilda's problem's a lot more monumental than the girl with the candy heart.
It's true.
Sabrina's right.
We have to focus all of our attention and support on her.
All of it.
SALEM: Help, emergency.
Come quick.
- Be right back.
- It did sound dire.
Well, no one can say they coddle me.
[SOBBING.]
Salem, what's the matter? I killed him.
I landed on him when I fell out of the tree.
All I wanted to do was scare, humiliate and emotionally scar him for life.
I didn't wanna hurt him.
- He's still breathing.
- Do birdie CPR, stat.
One, two, three, four, five.
Breathe.
[EXHALES.]
Sorry to keep harping about this, but it says in this book that my symptoms are gonna get worse over the next couple of hours.
How can they get any worse? [HEART BEATING FASTER.]
Well, that's one way.
Do you think anyone will believe I have a live ferret in my bra? He's alive.
Thank you, big guy.
Okay, next crisis.
Sabrina, you've got to stop one of those mortals from vying for your heart.
If you don't, you'll become cold and heartless and unable to love anyone.
- Not even Harvey.
- What? But how can I get a complete stranger to stop liking me? I know.
I gotta figure out who sent that valentine.
I have an idea.
We'll check out every boy you ever met.
Oh, no.
We're not going through that again.
I suppose you have a better idea.
Yes.
I'm calling in a valentine expert.
No.
Did you not hear me say no? Well, if it isn't the girls from Ungrateful Junction.
Can't handle this one without me, huh? Is there some extra fee we could pay for you to drop the attitude? Just tell me who sent this.
Give me one good reason why I should help you do anything.
Because if you don't, your wings will no longer be on your back but someplace much more uncomfortable.
Oh, well, I guess we have a deal, then.
Old cherub party trick.
Josh? Josh is my secret admirer? And he still only pays me Well, there's a little matter of my fee.
Sabrina, you have to find Josh and get him to stop liking you.
Unless you wanna be the person who wears their heart on their sleeve literally.
Hey, look, it stopped.
I must be getting better.
["LOVE IN BLOOM" PLAYING.]
I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but what's that music? I think it's Jack Benny's old theme song, "Love in Bloom.
" [SINGING.]
You know it isn't a dream It's love in bloom Now, cut that out.
Okay, so the consensus is I'm not getting better.
["LOVE IN BLOOM" PLAYING.]
- Josh, I need to talk to you.
- Hey, you're back.
Got that oesophagus under control? What's with the cheesy Muzak? I thought the stereo was busted.
Can I use your jacket? I'm a little chilled.
I'll bring it right back.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Okay, now its stopped.
Am I going crazy? No, you are.
What's with the jackets? Uh-- Kleptomania, one of my many obnoxious qualities.
You don't have any obnoxious qualities.
Sure I do.
Dozens.
I can Well, there I can be so - Cute? - Really, you think so? No, no, no.
Never.
I am so the opposite of cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Curses, done in by my own cuteness and lack of obnoxious qualities.
Well, if I can't get him to stop liking me, I'll just get him to like someone else.
Hey, Josh, have you ever noticed--? [SINGS LOUDLY.]
It's love in bloom Well, have you? [MACHINE BEEPING.]
SALEM: Is there anything else I can do? Fluff your pillow? Regurgitate a worm? [CHIRPING.]
No, no more TV for you.
Not since you flatlined during Popular.
- Do you believe in love at first sight? - Maybe.
Yeah, sure.
I guess I'm something of a romantic.
Great.
Hey, come here.
- Do you see love? - No, but I do see a very terrified customer.
[SINGING.]
Oh, no, it isn't the spring It's love in bloom - Sabrina, are you okay? - Yeah, fine.
Oh, what about her? She's cute.
[SINGS.]
It's love in bloom What's the matter? Why do you keep singing that song? I'm a crazy, insane person.
The person no one would ever have a secret crush on.
Agree? Not really.
But you should take the day off.
Relax.
Get some sleep.
Learn a new song.
The colour's coming back to his beak.
The insurance companies are right.
Untrained and unqualified people can treat the sick.
[RINGS.]
- Hello? SABRINA: Hey, it's me.
I wanted to let you know the music stopped.
Oh, that's great.
[BIRD CHIRPING.]
Oh, is that stupid feather-butt dead yet? When he finally kicks it, flush him.
Sabrina, are you all right? Hey, watch it, buddy, not everybody likes dogs.
I swear, the blind think the world owes them something.
- Something's wrong.
- Oh, you think? I don't have time to keep yapping with you broads.
I gotta go talk to Josh.
I've been way too nice to him.
Gotta tell the pathetic loser that he has gotta get a grip and move on.
Sabrina, wait.
Oh, no, Sabrina's becoming heartless.
If we don't do something soon, she'll be unable to love anyone.
We've gotta get Josh to stop liking Sabrina.
I think we both know what we have to do.
If you must, you must.
This is really gonna cost you this time.
Hey, Juan Valdez, we need to talk.
Sabrina, how's your stomach? I brought you another kiss.
Well, they never said which boy I had to make stop liking me.
Wait, Roland, you can't go in there dressed like that.
College place.
I've got just the outfit.
Oh, yeah, the wings would have been much less noticeable.
There's Sabrina.
She's with Harvey.
I hope we're not too late.
Wow, it sure is an awfully long list of things you don't like about me.
Did I mention "stating the obvious"? There's Josh.
Shoot him.
He has to stop liking Sabrina.
What? And clear the way for farm boy? Are you kidding? I've been waiting for Sabrina to tell him off for years.
Sabrina, what's the matter with you? Why are you saying all this? Don't you love me? Love? Ha! What's love? No, everything is just fine.
If I can't have Sabrina, nobody can.
I don't love.
I don't love.
If you won't do your job, then I will.
I don't love anyone but you.
Hi, I'm Josh.
Capricorn.
I enjoy long walks, foreign films and your eyes.
You did that on purpose.
A frivolous rebound is exactly what you need.
What I need is to be an only child.
Tell me everything about you.
Don't leave anything out.
I'm already fascinated.
Okay, junior.
I'm so sorry.
It must have been a weird reaction to that special sugar at my house.
- Can you forgive me? - Of course.
I knew it couldn't really be you.
You have the biggest heart of anyone I know.
Hey, farm boy.
Roland? - What's your cousin doing here? ROLAND: This.
Roland.
Are you okay? HARVEY: Miss Spellman, I never realised what a devastatingly attractive woman you are.
Or that I'd ever use the word "devastatingly" in a sentence.
Happy Valentine's Day.
And now it's time for the Valentine's Day massacre.
ZELDA: Oh, aurora borealis.
Look at the stars, Harvey.
I'd rather see them reflected in your eyes.
Come on, what are you, three, four years older than me, tops? Try 597.
Love can overcome that.
Can I peel you another grape? Whatever.
Well, thank you for the worst Valentine's Day of my life.
House calls are pricey.
Besides, like I told you, everything will go back to normal after tonight.
Milk Dud? [BIRD CHIRPING.]
SALEM: Sing us a song of love.
ROLAND: Sabrina, to paraphrase the great Rod McKuen: Love is like-- Ah-aah!
Cologne he'll never use.
A red sweater he'll never wear.
A teddy bear holding a sign that says, "I heart you.
" It's not easy coming up with something masculine, romantic and red.
Unless it's salmon.
Nothing says love like things that swim upstream.
[TOASTER DINGS, ZELDA GASPS.]
Oh.
I can't believe this finally came.
Oh, Sabrina, here is the perfect gift for Harvey: A certificate for a special gondola ride through the Milky Way.
Which would be harder to explain, the flying gondola or that I actually know a good burger joint on that side of the galaxy? Oh, don't worry, a mortal won't remember the ride but will be filled with a special feeling of love.
Like he's just sated himself on 40 pounds of coho.
I remember when you sent for this.
You were gaga over some mortal.
Mm.
Ulysses S.
Grant.
Oh, that's right.
Good old Ulie.
- Whatever happened to him? - He got old and died.
I can't believe you waited a hundred years for this.
Nothing's worth waiting Hey, it's got a coupon for free chocolates.
I know what I'm having for dinner.
But I don't think I'll redeem that free anvil coupon.
[GULPING.]
Harvey is gonna love this magic gondola ride.
I just hope he didn't get me the same thing.
[BIRD CHIRPING.]
Ah.
The first robin of spring.
That's him.
Devil bird.
That miserable little magpie has been keeping me up all night with his incessant chirping.
He must be stopped.
Oh, if only we had house cat to rid us of this terrible blight.
You're right.
What kind of feline am I? Bird, prepare to be Salem-ated.
Sabrina, what if he actually catches that poor defenceless bird? SALEM: Little help.
Oh, boy.
- Never mind.
[SALEM GRUNTING.]
Whew.
Hoo.
I think we should downplay Valentine's Day around Hilda.
I just felt so sorry for her this morning.
I mean, you have Harvey and I have Willard.
If it's any consolation, I think she feels worse for you.
She's been so depressed ever since she had to send Daniel Boone back.
Now she just spends her days moping around the attic.
So you really never had an Indian friend named Mingo? Heh.
No, ma'am, there isn't much companionship in the wild.
Believe me, when a tree falls in the forest, I hear it.
Well, you can stay here as long as you like.
I mean, until we get bored of each other, or my sister finds out.
Look at this.
It's just addressed, "To my valentine.
" And it's not signed.
"Dear valentine, I wish I could express in words how truly special you are to me.
" Harvey can be so sweet.
Sabrina.
Clearly this was written by a worldly, sophisticated, mature man.
My monkey.
Come on, this has "lovesick adolescent" written all over it.
[KNOCKS.]
Good morning.
Thought I could walk you to work.
Thank you for my valentine.
Valentine? I didn't send you a valentine.
But I did get you this stick of gum.
It's sugarless.
And this watch.
Before I have to thank you for your high-tops, Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.
I knew that.
I can't walk you to work, because I have to go to the mall and get them to gift-wrap the stuff I already got you.
Oh, monkey, I'm so sorry you're sick.
Drink fluids.
I love you.
He's got a cold and he's got no idea it's Valentine's Day.
Well, if Harvey didn't send it and Mr.
Kraft didn't send it, then it must have been sent for Aunt Hilda.
Sabrina, you're right.
And it couldn't have come at a better time.
[HILDA WHISTLING.]
Do we still have any of that venison left? It's a wonder she can get up in the morning.
Aunt Hilda, look what came for you in the mail.
An anonymous valentine from some secret admirer.
It couldn't be for me.
I'll be up in the attic making sure our wiring is up to code.
She's breaking my heart.
Relax, I don't want your powder pouch or your chaw of tobacco.
Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.
Good, because I'm fixing to make you a nice fur cap.
If I could just trap that pesky black varmint I see scurrying around here.
That's our family pet, so if you're thinking of trapping him-- He loves peanut butter.
[CHIRPING.]
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Why must you keep tormenting me? I've got bad news.
That insane voice in your head is you.
No, it's that bird.
I know he's taunting me.
If I could just understand what he's saying.
BIRD: Hey, everybody, look at this pathetic tub of fur who couldn't catch a bird if his life depended on it.
Now it's personal.
One double vanilla latte with a dash of cinnamon to kick it up a notch.
Thanks, but who needs cinnamon when I got your smile.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CASH REGISTER BEEPING.]
The number one perk about this job, besides the low pay and bad hours, is getting to flirt with every cute guy in Westbridge.
Hey, an anonymous valentine showed up at our house today.
- Maybe it's from one of these guys.
- You got an anonymous valentine? The girl with the devoted boyfriend also gets the secret admirer? And they say life isn't fair.
We're out of fat-free muffins, so push these calcium-rich cheese Danish.
So any big plans for Valentine's Day? A gondala-riffic night out with Harvey.
Nothing special.
Though it appears our Sabrina may have a secret admirer.
Oh, really? Any ideas? Like any secret admirer, he prefers to remain anonymous.
[HICCUPS.]
You okay? Oh.
I've gotta stop wolfing down those pickled eggs.
Cute, and she eats like a trucker.
Apparently, if you're in love with someone, even their involuntary muscle contractions are endearing.
There are lots of ways of trapping a bird.
The simplest is the "box and the piece of string" method.
[SNICKERS.]
Now, what animal would be slow enough to get caught--? Whoa! What happened? I don't understand why you aren't more interested in who sent you this valentine.
Because for every handsome, debonair man that might have sent it, there's a guy with a plate in his head.
I just wanna see you happy.
I couldn't be happier.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be up in the attic.
While you're up there, could you grab me some buckshot, honeybee? I wanna show Salem here how to load a musket.
I think honeybee's got some explaining to do.
- What does "stay in the attic" mean? - Don't worry.
Your cat said he'd warn me at the first sign of trouble.
Watch out, here they come.
- Hilda, I can't believe-- - Hold on.
You wouldn't wanna hurt a person who Someone apparently loves very much.
HARVEY: Hey.
Hope you're not still mad about Valentine's Day, but I brought you a chocolate kiss and a real one.
[HICCUPS.]
Number one cure for hiccups, a spoonful of sugar.
Yes, but only the special sugar we have at home.
See you.
She's still mad.
This weekend, I'm buying myself a calendar.
Even though our paths only crossed for an instant, you'll always have a special place in my heart.
Ditto.
Boy, I'm really gonna miss him.
And now I'm done.
Do you wanna get pedicures? You know, you should never have broken the Other Realm rules and kept him up in the attic all that time.
The basement was mouldy.
And now you're all alone.
Oh, you poor dear.
Interesting.
You were less irritating when you were angry.
You are so brave.
I am not gonna rest until I find out who sent you this valentine.
How are you gonna do that? Interview every guy I've ever dated? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
ZELDA: Excuse me.
All right, all right.
All the A's over by the cash register, please.
And have your handwriting samples out and ready for analysis.
I know this isn't the point of this exercise, but some of these guys owe me money too.
It's not fair.
I haven't used my magic, I haven't done a spell.
I haven't disobeyed my aunts, and yet I'm hiccupping sparkly pink hearts.
Yep, life's just one big adventure.
And speaking of adventure, come with me deep into the bush as we stalk the elusive dickey bird.
Sometimes I think you work at being annoying.
No, not really.
So that was a dead end.
But I think if we systematically retrace your steps over the last three months-- Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.
No, not really.
- Where have you been? - Uh-- Sweaty brow, panicked expression, frantically looking through the magic book.
- Just what every parent wants.
- Look.
[HICCUPS.]
Sabrina, this looks serious.
What's the matter with you? It's a very funny story.
I don't know.
You put Sabrina to bed, I'll call Cupid.
- Cupid? - Cupid.
He handles all heart-related matters, literal or figurative.
Who gives the second opinion, the Easter Bunny? What's with the getup, bwana? I'm going big-game hunting.
It looks like a big game doodied on your hat.
Yeah, well, it happened to Hemingway all the time.
[HEART BEATING.]
SALEM: Wow, your heart's beating louder than the bass on a Deadhead's boom box.
Oh, I can't imagine why.
My anxiety level is in "there aren't enough lifeboats" territory.
Finally.
Where's Cupid? Cupid's a little backed up with Valentine's Day, so he had to send his assistant.
- Where's the patient? - Roland? Okay, you've scared me, but I've still got the hiccups.
You know, some people collect stamps.
Other people seem to collect jobs.
Helping people find love is my true calling.
Plus, I already had the outfit.
So, what seems to be the problem? Well, my heart is racing, I'm hiccupping valentines and you're in my bedroom.
How can you make all three go away? Calm down.
I'm sure Roland can help.
Sorry, I meant that to sound sincere.
[CHIRPING.]
Now you mock me in front of my family? Why, you ZELDA: Salem, no.
SALEM: Yick, ack, doolt! My spleen.
- Oh.
SALEM: I'm okay.
He's got nine lives and I'm working on the only one I got.
Well, I really won't know anything until I open her up.
Open me up? I may be the only one concerned here, but he's not a doctor and I'm a bleeder.
The key to your heart.
No, that's to the Volvo.
Here it is.
Allow me.
What are you gonna do? I knew I should've gotten The Club.
ZELDA: There's the problem.
Your heart is made of valentine's candy.
Oh, good, I was afraid it was gonna be something serious.
Okay, so I have a heart that's made of valentine candy that says, "Be mine.
No, be mine.
" Why is this happening to me? I eat oat bran.
Not a priority, you might think about getting your hinges oiled.
Well, Roland, don't just stand there fingering your tunic, help her.
I'll see what I can find in the magic book.
I remember this from the training manual.
Your condition is very serious.
You must follow my instructions precisely.
What do I have to do? - First, take my hand.
- Then what? Be patient.
[HUMMING.]
Is this to make me feel better? I don't know about you, but I'm in heaven.
- Get out.
- What do you want from me? I'm just a temp.
These wings aren't even real.
ZELDA: Here it is.
"Candy Heart Syndrome.
" Well, Roland was right about one thing.
Your condition is quite serious.
A witch gets it only around Valentine's Day when two mortals are vying for her heart.
Two? What two? Harvey's the only one vying for my heart.
- At least before it was chewable.
- There must be someone else.
Hilda, I'm so sorry, but this means that that valentine wasn't for you.
It was for Sabrina.
Oh, no, I'm crushed.
I can't go on.
Smirk, though your heart is breaking.
Oh, yeah, Aunt Hilda's problem's a lot more monumental than the girl with the candy heart.
It's true.
Sabrina's right.
We have to focus all of our attention and support on her.
All of it.
SALEM: Help, emergency.
Come quick.
- Be right back.
- It did sound dire.
Well, no one can say they coddle me.
[SOBBING.]
Salem, what's the matter? I killed him.
I landed on him when I fell out of the tree.
All I wanted to do was scare, humiliate and emotionally scar him for life.
I didn't wanna hurt him.
- He's still breathing.
- Do birdie CPR, stat.
One, two, three, four, five.
Breathe.
[EXHALES.]
Sorry to keep harping about this, but it says in this book that my symptoms are gonna get worse over the next couple of hours.
How can they get any worse? [HEART BEATING FASTER.]
Well, that's one way.
Do you think anyone will believe I have a live ferret in my bra? He's alive.
Thank you, big guy.
Okay, next crisis.
Sabrina, you've got to stop one of those mortals from vying for your heart.
If you don't, you'll become cold and heartless and unable to love anyone.
- Not even Harvey.
- What? But how can I get a complete stranger to stop liking me? I know.
I gotta figure out who sent that valentine.
I have an idea.
We'll check out every boy you ever met.
Oh, no.
We're not going through that again.
I suppose you have a better idea.
Yes.
I'm calling in a valentine expert.
No.
Did you not hear me say no? Well, if it isn't the girls from Ungrateful Junction.
Can't handle this one without me, huh? Is there some extra fee we could pay for you to drop the attitude? Just tell me who sent this.
Give me one good reason why I should help you do anything.
Because if you don't, your wings will no longer be on your back but someplace much more uncomfortable.
Oh, well, I guess we have a deal, then.
Old cherub party trick.
Josh? Josh is my secret admirer? And he still only pays me Well, there's a little matter of my fee.
Sabrina, you have to find Josh and get him to stop liking you.
Unless you wanna be the person who wears their heart on their sleeve literally.
Hey, look, it stopped.
I must be getting better.
["LOVE IN BLOOM" PLAYING.]
I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but what's that music? I think it's Jack Benny's old theme song, "Love in Bloom.
" [SINGING.]
You know it isn't a dream It's love in bloom Now, cut that out.
Okay, so the consensus is I'm not getting better.
["LOVE IN BLOOM" PLAYING.]
- Josh, I need to talk to you.
- Hey, you're back.
Got that oesophagus under control? What's with the cheesy Muzak? I thought the stereo was busted.
Can I use your jacket? I'm a little chilled.
I'll bring it right back.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Okay, now its stopped.
Am I going crazy? No, you are.
What's with the jackets? Uh-- Kleptomania, one of my many obnoxious qualities.
You don't have any obnoxious qualities.
Sure I do.
Dozens.
I can Well, there I can be so - Cute? - Really, you think so? No, no, no.
Never.
I am so the opposite of cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Curses, done in by my own cuteness and lack of obnoxious qualities.
Well, if I can't get him to stop liking me, I'll just get him to like someone else.
Hey, Josh, have you ever noticed--? [SINGS LOUDLY.]
It's love in bloom Well, have you? [MACHINE BEEPING.]
SALEM: Is there anything else I can do? Fluff your pillow? Regurgitate a worm? [CHIRPING.]
No, no more TV for you.
Not since you flatlined during Popular.
- Do you believe in love at first sight? - Maybe.
Yeah, sure.
I guess I'm something of a romantic.
Great.
Hey, come here.
- Do you see love? - No, but I do see a very terrified customer.
[SINGING.]
Oh, no, it isn't the spring It's love in bloom - Sabrina, are you okay? - Yeah, fine.
Oh, what about her? She's cute.
[SINGS.]
It's love in bloom What's the matter? Why do you keep singing that song? I'm a crazy, insane person.
The person no one would ever have a secret crush on.
Agree? Not really.
But you should take the day off.
Relax.
Get some sleep.
Learn a new song.
The colour's coming back to his beak.
The insurance companies are right.
Untrained and unqualified people can treat the sick.
[RINGS.]
- Hello? SABRINA: Hey, it's me.
I wanted to let you know the music stopped.
Oh, that's great.
[BIRD CHIRPING.]
Oh, is that stupid feather-butt dead yet? When he finally kicks it, flush him.
Sabrina, are you all right? Hey, watch it, buddy, not everybody likes dogs.
I swear, the blind think the world owes them something.
- Something's wrong.
- Oh, you think? I don't have time to keep yapping with you broads.
I gotta go talk to Josh.
I've been way too nice to him.
Gotta tell the pathetic loser that he has gotta get a grip and move on.
Sabrina, wait.
Oh, no, Sabrina's becoming heartless.
If we don't do something soon, she'll be unable to love anyone.
We've gotta get Josh to stop liking Sabrina.
I think we both know what we have to do.
If you must, you must.
This is really gonna cost you this time.
Hey, Juan Valdez, we need to talk.
Sabrina, how's your stomach? I brought you another kiss.
Well, they never said which boy I had to make stop liking me.
Wait, Roland, you can't go in there dressed like that.
College place.
I've got just the outfit.
Oh, yeah, the wings would have been much less noticeable.
There's Sabrina.
She's with Harvey.
I hope we're not too late.
Wow, it sure is an awfully long list of things you don't like about me.
Did I mention "stating the obvious"? There's Josh.
Shoot him.
He has to stop liking Sabrina.
What? And clear the way for farm boy? Are you kidding? I've been waiting for Sabrina to tell him off for years.
Sabrina, what's the matter with you? Why are you saying all this? Don't you love me? Love? Ha! What's love? No, everything is just fine.
If I can't have Sabrina, nobody can.
I don't love.
I don't love.
If you won't do your job, then I will.
I don't love anyone but you.
Hi, I'm Josh.
Capricorn.
I enjoy long walks, foreign films and your eyes.
You did that on purpose.
A frivolous rebound is exactly what you need.
What I need is to be an only child.
Tell me everything about you.
Don't leave anything out.
I'm already fascinated.
Okay, junior.
I'm so sorry.
It must have been a weird reaction to that special sugar at my house.
- Can you forgive me? - Of course.
I knew it couldn't really be you.
You have the biggest heart of anyone I know.
Hey, farm boy.
Roland? - What's your cousin doing here? ROLAND: This.
Roland.
Are you okay? HARVEY: Miss Spellman, I never realised what a devastatingly attractive woman you are.
Or that I'd ever use the word "devastatingly" in a sentence.
Happy Valentine's Day.
And now it's time for the Valentine's Day massacre.
ZELDA: Oh, aurora borealis.
Look at the stars, Harvey.
I'd rather see them reflected in your eyes.
Come on, what are you, three, four years older than me, tops? Try 597.
Love can overcome that.
Can I peel you another grape? Whatever.
Well, thank you for the worst Valentine's Day of my life.
House calls are pricey.
Besides, like I told you, everything will go back to normal after tonight.
Milk Dud? [BIRD CHIRPING.]
SALEM: Sing us a song of love.
ROLAND: Sabrina, to paraphrase the great Rod McKuen: Love is like-- Ah-aah!