The A-Team (1983) s04e15 Episode Script
Members Only
1 (male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing.]
(Hannibal) This is the big surprise? (Face) Isn't it fantastic? Lunch at the Beverly Bay Club.
It's Friday, Face.
Fridays I sneak into Paramount and try to hustle a job out of a casting director or two.
Yeah, well, your sneaking days are over, Hannibal.
'Cause Templeton Peck is moving up in society.
[sighing.]
Here you go.
Well, I'll just leave the keys in the car.
I still don't see how this is going to turn my acting career around.
Hannibal, you can meet more producers here at one lunch than you can in a whole year of sneaking onto studio lots.
This is the lunch spot in Beverly Hills, you know.
For instance, Jeff Sikorsky Head of Bi-Star Productions? has lunch here every Friday.
Just like clockwork.
Always orders tuna fish and milk.
Now wait a minute, this is a very exclusive club, Face.
What are you? Their token fugitive? Look, I always wanted to be a member of this place.
Well, I started putting in applications before I went to Nam.
In fact, I patterned the DMZ Racquet Club after this place.
Yes, right down to the sauna and the men's locker room.
(Face) Ah, Mr.
LeCraw.
Listen, I want you to meet a very good friend of mine, Hannibal Smith.
How do you do? How do you do? Listen, Chuck, I want to thank you and the membership committee again for all you've done.
Well, it was a very close vote, Mr.
Hemmings, but you are in.
And I couldn't be more pleased.
[chuckling.]
There is still the two-month trial period, you understand.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm behind you 100% on that.
We can't be too careful over who we grant membership into a club like this.
Although, personally, I don't even see why we need two months.
I mean, I can spot the riffraff in two days, for crying out loud.
[laughing.]
Goodbye.
[sighing.]
Mr.
Hemmings, this club is going to cost you a fortune.
Yes, well, obviously, my background wouldn't fly.
Ashley Hemmings, on the other hand, prepped at Westminster yes, and then went on to Yale.
Yes, captain of the rowing team.
[sighing.]
Center-midfielder on the lacrosse team, you know.
Corporate attorney in Century City, with a second house in Newport Beach.
Can't wait to see his yacht.
Plane.
He flies a plane.
Took me two months to create this guy.
You know, bank records, credit ratings, driver's license-- Madras shirt, argyle socks.
Ha-ha! [birds chirping.]
[golf club swishing.]
Two for lunch, Mr Hemmings.
This way.
Face, are you sure you're gonna be comfortable being a member of this club? Hannibal, this is my chance to be part of the upper crust.
[people chattering.]
Thank you.
Which, of course, is where I belong.
But it's Ashley Hemmings who's being part of the upper crust, not Templeton Peck.
Well, look, I just wanna go legit, Hannibal.
Now, I don't want to end up in prison.
Oh, my gosh.
Jeff Sikorsky, last table on the left.
One of the key movers and shakers in Hollywood.
Of course, here, he's just another member of the club.
I'm not sure about this, Face.
Ashley.
I'm Ashley Hemmings.
Funny, you're a dead ringer for Templeton Peck.
What are you doing at my club? I'm a guest of Dr.
Richter.
Your psychiatrist brings you to his country club? Every Friday.
Yes, doubles in the morning, and a session at lunch.
You see, exercise, it frees up those associative blockers.
Well, do me a favor, Murdock.
I'm Ashley Hemmings, and you don't know me.
Oh, what a shame.
I mean, the value of a place like this is getting to know the right people.
Oh, the doctor's in the locker room.
I'll sign the check.
That's fine, Mr.
Murdock.
The man is signing checks.
(Murdock) There you go.
See you next Friday.
I'll be here.
[giggling.]
I can't even sign checks for two more months.
You know, Hannibal, you really should try the hot pecan pie.
(Murdock) Simply scrumptious.
[groans.]
(Face) Oh, here he comes.
Keep ii LIP- [chuckling.]
Jeff, how's the fish? Hey, how's the backhand? [laughing.]
Jeff, Jeff Sikorsky, I'd like you to meet a dear, dear friend of mine.
Hannibal Smith.
Jeff Sikorsky.
How do you do, Mr.
Sikorsky? Oh, please, Jeff.
"Hannibal Smith.
" What a great name.
Hannibal is a very fine actor.
He's just in from New York.
Really? You should shoot your résumé over to my office.
Mark it personal and confidential.
I'll do that, Jeff.
Does that put me in for the 10%, Jeff? [laughs raucously.]
Means that you can add it to my tennis losses, H.
M.
Listen, I've gotta run.
It's nice meeting you, Hannibal.
Same, Jeff.
Take care.
Bye.
[sighing.]
Well, thanks for the intro.
You told him not to know you, remember? You're palling around with Jeff Sikorsky? Great exec, lousy tennis player.
Dr.
Richter and I are cleaning his clock at doubles.
Oh, I don't believe this.
(Mrs.
Prescott) There you are, Ashley.
Oh, no.
I just had to stop by and tell you that my daughter Adrian is here today.
Really? Oh, really.
She's playing the front nine.
She'll probably be making the clubhouse turn at any minute.
So, why don't we go down there and I will finally introduce you? Well, see, I'm sort of busy here, Mrs.
Prescott.
Oh, that's okay, Ash, you go ahead.
I'll be fine.
Oh.
Then it's all settled.
See you down there.
[sighing.]
Thanks.
Boy, is this lunch turning south.
Oh, Face, the real benefit of a club like this is getting to know the right people.
Oh, Hannibal, please, this daughter's gotta be a real woofer.
[birds chirping.]
Well, you're the caddy, it's your job to mark the lie.
Okay.
I found it.
(Adrian) Give it to me.
[giggling.]
[laughing.]
What the heck is this? It's a golf bag.
Who would put a golf bag in the middle of-- Forget the bag.
Adrian.
Adrian, we can't keep sneaking around like this.
Don't you think we should tell your mother about us? No.
Absolutely not.
She'd never understand.
Now shut up and kiss me.
Adrian is always off in the rough.
She has a terrible slice.
And maybe you could correct that.
Yeah, look, maybe we should do this another time.
Oh, don't be silly.
Adrian! Oh, my gosh.
It's my mother.
Where are you, dear? Mother, what are you doing here? So, this is your-- You were due back 20 minutes ago.
Now, I could see your bag from the patio.
So I just decided that we would surprise you.
I hate surprises.
This is Ashley Hemmings.
Ashley is an attorney.
Another surprise? Yes, how do you do? Excuse me, mind if we play through? Go ahead! Come on, Mother, I'm through for the day.
[leaves rustling.]
There's a slice worse than yours, dear.
Oh, Adrian, perhaps we should give the gentleman a ride.
We don't pick up hitchhikers.
[exclaims.]
I thought you two should meet.
You know, we have an extra ticket to the roast tomorrow.
Mother, I told you, I'm busy tomorrow.
Don't be rude, dear.
Rude is trying to marry me off on the ninth fairway.
Hey, he found our bag.
Hey, you, with the bag! Keep driving, girls.
Tennis courts are nightlit.
There's an extra putting green there.
That's the front nine, and that's Faceman chasing someone into the rough.
No shooting in the rough.
[gun firing.]
Let's get out of here.
Wait for me, guys! [gun firing.]
(Face) Try to stay off the fairway, okay,guys? Move it out of here! Come on! (Face) Oh, no.
(Face) Fore! (Face) Playing through! (Face) Oh, no, not on the green! Well Chuck LeCraw is gonna love this.
(Chuck) You have been a member for a week and we find your golf cart upside down on the eighth green.
On a green, yet! Chuck, listen, I'm really very sorry about all this but those two players were shooting at that caddy.
What two players? The two players that jumped over the wall.
Mr.
Hemmings, our members usually leave the club through the lobby.
Well, I don't think these guys were members.
See, they had guns.
Oh.
Well, Andy Brumby, who was crouched for a putt on seven says you had the gun.
Me? A gun? Mmm.
Look, according to the starter's sheet those players were signed in as guests of a Mr.
Bob McKeever.
(Chuck) He claims these men were brought into the club by you, Mr.
McKeever.
Chuck, I didn't have any guests today.
Somebody must have signed my name.
And I thought we had a rule about guests signing in with members present and all that.
You're absolutely right, Bob.
Besides, my guests keep their firearms mounted on the wall.
[all laughing.]
Gin.
Super.
Well, boys, that's it.
62, 25 for gin is 87.
Plus the four that you lost when he knocked.
Well, let's see, that makes $10 a point and-- $1,862.
How did you do that? Oh, well, it's just a talent I have.
Well, sorry to bother you, Bob.
(McKeever) No bother.
I'm on probation.
Can you believe that? (Hannibal) I'm sorry, Face.
Face? Hannibal? Ash.
Look, who are you? What's going on? We're the guys who know what you were doing in the rough with a caddy named Frank Pallotta.
So? So? Honey, the guys with the guns were trying to kill that caddy friend of yours.
We can't have things like that going on at the country club, now, can we? If I were you, I'd tell us where he is.
Otherwise you may wind up explaining that to your mother at his funeral.
All right, let's go.
[snorts.]
Attorney, huh? (Landrum) For you, Bob.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Any luck? Yeah, we got an address on that caddy that grabbed the bag.
Good.
Now you go over there and terminate the deal.
You sure? Absolutely.
But make sure you get a refund first.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and there's a new member here named Ashley Hemmings.
I think you may have run into him on the golf course.
I think that you may wanna take the time to meet him.
Yes, sir.
Right.
Vice presidents.
You gotta remind them every day how to conduct business.
[knocking at door.]
(Adrian) Frank, are you home? (Hannibal) Looks like we're not the only ones on his trail.
Face, you and Adrian check the bedroom.
[birds chirping.]
Hold it, kid! I don't have it.
Look, I'm telling you, I don't have it! Relax, man, your girlfriend wanna see you.
A golf bag filled with money? That must have been the reason they were chasing me.
This bag was packed solid full of cash, $100 bills.
The golf bag.
What do you think, Face? What would it hold? Well, a golf bag's about three feet high and let's say, oh, 16 inches in diameter and then there's those little side pockets where you keep the balls and tees, and Yeah, see, each packet is $10,000.
.
So, I'd say you could stuff about $2 million in there and still have room for a couple of golf clubs.
Where's the bag? Well, I stashed it in the rough when I jumped over the wall.
The thing was really slowing me down.
You left $2 million in the woods? Money isn't everything, Adrian.
But it ain't nothing.
Let's get that bag before somebody else does.
You locate that caddy? We tore his place up.
No bag, no caddy-- Find the caddy and make him take you to the bag.
That means coming back to the club.
You come on back, I'll arrange cover for you.
Tell Yelvington to go back to the airport.
We don't want to raise any eyebrows.
Yes, sir.
(Frank) I think I ran over that way.
Bingo.
Oh, yes.
Take a look.
[chuckles.]
Funny money.
It's counterfeit? Just paper.
So, we got a bag full of counterfeit dough and two hook-nosed golfers trying to pick it up.
Those thugs were signed in with McKeever whose guests don't carry guns but nonetheless were shooting at our boy Frank here.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You just can't waltz into the Beverly Bay and sign in as a guest of a member.
Nay, they watch this place pretty close.
Good point, Murdock.
What does this guy McKeever do for a living? He's the president of Merchant Security Bank.
I love it.
I knew it, I knew it.
All these rich folks are crooks.
That is a gross generalization when applied to an entire sociological target group.
Yeah, but it's true.
[scoffs.]
Come on, I wanna meet this guy.
Why do we have to hide it here? Because we have to get to it quickly.
This is just temporary.
I'm doomed.
I'll never get off probation now.
I can say I "was" a member of Beverly Bay Club.
Yeah, for a week.
All right, we got a bag of funny money and a banker.
Now, what else do we know about McKeever? He plays gin for $10 a point.
Golf, too.
I've heard talk around the club about his game.
It's high stakes.
I think McKeever's handicap is about an eight.
Hmm.
A gambler.
I bet the guy just hates to lose.
Okay.
We'll get him in a golf game.
Face, you and Murdock get rid of whomever he's supposed to play with today.
Well, how do you propose to meet McKeever? Well, we're all members of the same club, right, Face? [stammering.]
No! We're How you doing, sweetheart? Nice to see you all.
Well, my goodness, you really like those walnuts, don't you? [laughing.]
Oh, I love them.
They're full of vitamins, minerals, linoleic acid.
That's what I keep telling the little missus.
Bob McKeever.
Hannibal Smith.
You know, I found a great way to get rid of the shells.
Yeah? What's that? I just started tossing them.
I can sit on my back porch and throw them 30 yards into my lake.
Impossible.
Too light.
No, all you have to do is work on your throw.
See, you start with a whole nut.
Then you get down, you can pitch those shells a mile.
It's like working out with a medicine ball.
How far would you say it is to the ninth tee over there? Fifty, sixty yards.
I can toss a walnut over that tee.
Impossible.
Too light.
For $100? Are you trying to hustle me, Mr.
Smith? No.
For nothing.
Gentlemen's bet.
What do you say, Bob? $500 says you can't pitch it over the ninth tee.
$500? That's kind of steep.
Come on, it's action.
No fun if there's no risk, hmm? Okay.
You play golf? Sure.
Want a chance to win your money back? You bet I do.
Yep, we've got to play someday.
It's too bad that I've got a partner today.
There you are.
Five Ben Franklins.
I'll see you.
You bet.
Gluing that ball bearing in that walnut shell was perfect.
Go to work on the golf balls.
It's gonna be good, Hannibal.
[chortling.]
Pretty good, pretty good.
All right, once again, now.
Don't break the wrist.
Keep it down like this.
Nice and tight.
Jimmy, listen My favorite grip.
All right, listen, I'm looking for Bob McKeever's golf partner.
Yeah, I just met the gentleman.
He's over there, putting his clubs in the cart.
Thanks.
You got it.
Unbelievable.
Of all the country clubs in Los Angeles General Fulbright has to be a member of my club.
Face, you're gonna to have to get plastic surgery.
No, I'm not.
Face, we got to dangle the fox in front of the hounds.
No, we don't.
Face, it's got to be you.
It can't be me, because-- No! No! Listen, you have got to be a caddy.
You've got to be kidding.
No.
Oh, and have my car brought around front.
I will not! Tip the guy a buck.
No! [clears throat.]
Ashley, I've been looking all over for you.
Mrs.
Prescott, listen, I really can't stop and chat right now.
I just wanted to apologize for Adrian's behavior.
All is forgiven, now if you'll excuse me, I-- [groaning.]
Peck! Excuse me, ladies.
[tires screeching.]
What is going on here? That's it! He's history! [tires screeching.]
What do you mean, he's called away on business? He's a general.
What are we, at war? The general, he sends his regrets, sir.
Great.
Now who the hell am I supposed to play? [birds chirping.]
Mr.
Smith.
Well, Mr.
McKeever.
Yeah.
The walnut pitcher.
How'd you like to play nine? Sure.
What are the stakes? $500 a hole too rich for your blood? No, $500 would be just about right.
Great.
It's gonna be fun.
You betcha.
Nice shot.
That is quite a hook.
Yeah, I can never tell where the heck it's gonna land.
What did you say that you did for a living? Well, I recover valuable objects for people.
I always thought this green broke the other way.
Must be all the rain.
You're quite a player, Mr.
Smith.
You're up $500.
Your honor.
Hello, this is Ashley Hemmings.
I'd like an outside line, please.
[enunciating.]
Hemmings.
You got a real soft touch, boss.
Mmm.
Yeah, Trans Allied Express? This is Bob McKeever, Merchant Security Bank and, well, there's something I need to check.
[door opening.]
[door closing.]
(Fulbright) I lost them.
I can't believe they got away.
But at least they'll be back.
(Case) Seems unlikely, sir.
Believe me, Sergeant, they'll be back.
They're here.
I can smell them.
Run me a shower, Sergeant.
Hot.
[door sliding.]
Pressure's on, Bob.
Well, you got to hit it.
Chuck! I was just looking for you.
Listen, about those statues I'm sorry.
A double bogey.
Another hole for me, Bob.
Yes, I'm down six holes to two.
That's $2,000.
What do you say we play for double or nothing on the ninth hole? Well, I haven't been completely straight with you, Bob.
Remember what I do for a living? You're some kind of a locator.
Right, and I've located something you want.
Maybe we could play for that.
What could you possibly have that I want? It's our stuff, boss.
Who the hell are you? We're the A-Team and we've got your $2 million of funny money.
But I'm willing to let it ride on the last hole.
What's my side? You win, you get the money, I walk.
I win, you still get the money, but you give us 50%.
We're getting a real criminal element in this club.
We'll have to speak to the membership committee about it.
You're on.
[device short-circuiting.]
Well, it looks like your luck is changing.
No, no, I insist, Bob.
You go ahead, it'll add to the suspense.
You asked for it.
That's a gimme.
[ball clattering in cup.]
Well, you'll have to sink that to win.
Are you ready to concede? Are you kidding? This is the best part of my game.
Ha! Game.
Not quite.
[gun cocking.]
I'll have my money.
Are you gonna pull guns right here on the golf course? You've got it.
Okay.
[gun cocking.]
Why are you sticking your noses into all this? 'Cause you stink up the entire country club and you got my favorite caddy fired.
We caddies are a rough bunch.
[grunting.]
[groaning.]
What would the A- be doing at Beverly Bay? Doesn't make sense, General.
[machine guns firing.]
No, not in my club, they don't.
Come on.
Nice shot, Colonel.
[exclaims.]
Look at that.
Come on, let's go.
Fulbright! [gun firing.]
I'm out.
I can't believe I'm out.
Months of hard work down the drain.
Just because of a few indiscretions.
Just because I shower fully dressed-- Face.
Face.
What? What did you find out? Oh, yeah, yeah, Trans Allied Express.
Yeah, they transport cash for banks.
And guess who one of their biggest clients is? Merchant Security Bank.
Bob McKeever.
Bingo.
And did they throw him out of the club? No, no, no, he's still a member.
Yeah, well, anyway, they've got a huge load going out later today.
Does the club own that wooded area back there? Yeah.
I think they're storing the counterfeit money somewhere in those woods.
You stumbled on a pick-up point when you found that golf bag in the rough.
I don't understand.
What's it got to do with the airport? McKeever's bank ships cash cross-country using Trans Allied Express.
Now, I think McKeever intends to take the bank's cash and switch it for the counterfeit money.
But just to have the right kind of ashes 'cause I'll bet right after the switch the plane blows up.
Then the pilot just bails on out.
And the counterfeit money burns and McKeever winds up with $2 million, real money, in cash.
Which no one is looking for because it supposedly burned up in the crash.
That's a pretty good plan, Hannibal.
Yeah.
Is there a shack or something back in there? Oh, yeah, there's this old boarded-up building that Adrian and I ran across.
Face, you and Frank, go back, get into the club, and find that shack.
Keep your eye on it.
When they're ready to move, let us know.
Take a walkie-talkie.
we'll get ready for them here.
Colonel, there's just one little problem: I'm no longer a member.
Oh, I can sneak you in.
You can? Sure, I do it all the time.
You would be surprised how many people out there on the course aren't even members.
No security.
No respect for new members.
Criminals playing gin.
You know something? I'm glad I'm not a member of this club.
So are we, Face.
Yeah, who needs it? Mr.
Hemmings.
Chuck! What are you doing here? Trying to sneak into Beverly Bay now, are we? Well, look, Chuck, I know haven't been a model member but we've discovered something you are not gonna believe.
Mr.
Hemmings, I am not interested in anything you have to say.
Now, will you please leave the property before I call the police? And you too, son.
There's a major counterfeiting operation going on at this club.
Right.
You see, there's a shed back there-- Wait a minute.
What were you doing back there? Well, that's a long story.
But that shed is being used to store some very funny money.
And Bob McKeever's behind the whole thing.
Bob McKeever, huh? Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's quite an accusation.
But even if it is true, you won't live to tell about it.
Oh, Chuck, not you, too.
I'm afraid so.
Yeah, well, actually, it restores my faith in human nature.
[people chattering.]
Excuse me.
[tapping over PA.]
Please take your seats now.
Thank you very much.
Hi.
(Greene) As General Fulbright once told me âIf you have an intellectual problem "ask an officer.
âHe'll know a sergeant who knows the answer.
" [all laughing.]
You know, when I went into the Army That waiter.
they asked me my religion.
That's Peck.
Hold him I was a devout I need you to help out on the dais.
But-- Just do it, please.
Right.
[all laughing.]
I'm telling you, that waiter's Peck.
Begging the General's pardon, sir but I think you've got A-Team on the brain.
(Greene) You know something? This stuff kills me and I wish it'd kill you.
[all laughing.]
General Fulbright confided in me he said, âShecky, in 30 years in the Army "I only had one disappointment: I never once âsaw Bob Hope.
â [all laughing.]
Let me tell you something else about this wonderful man.
He's a soldier's general.
He once said to me, âShecky, I slept in a pup tent.
" Peck! Who? [groaning.]
(Greene) What's happening? Could you give me a hand, Mr.
Greene? Thank you.
[exclaiming.]
Stop him! Stop that man! He's one of the A-Team! [waiters groaning.]
Ashley, you're a waiter.
Oh, no, it's a smoking jacket.
[exclaiming.]
[tires screeching.]
(Face) These guys are armed to the teeth.
Got you, Lieutenant.
Out.
We're gonna need something outrageous.
The A-Team, huh? They've got another thought coming if they think they're gonna stop this load.
All right.
Pretty quiet.
I like it.
Well, set the timer and you're off.
See you in a few days.
[beeping.]
Hey, is this the flight to Cucamonga? We're all fueled up.
You've got the wrong plane.
I don't think so, sucker! Hey, Hannibal, we got big trouble.
Fulbright's right on my tail.
[tires screeching.]
There's a bomb in that plane that's set to go off in three minutes.
Murdock, get this plane in the air.
(Hannibal) B.
A.
, get the van.
[beeping.]
[gun firing.]
[steam hissing.]
[beeping.]
Do you mind if I play through? Well, this is typical.
One minute, you're the member of an exclusive club the next minute, you're a waiter.
A fake waiter.
I'm sorry about you losing your membership.
[sighing.]
Why don't you become one of Dr.
Richter's patients? Then maybe he can bring you here as a guest.
(Hannibal) Yeah, look on the bright side, Face.
Chuck LeCraw and Bob McKeever lost their memberships, too.
Yeah, they'll probably start their own club in prison.
Well, we did gain one new member.
Frank and I are getting married.
Congratulations.
I really wanna thank you guys for giving me the arrest and letting me collect the insurance company reward.
(Frank) I guess I'm finally one of them.
Too bad.
What about your mother? Frank insists we invite her to the wedding.
It's time.
Hannibal, are you sure you wanna go through with this? Face, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
[people laughing.]
He will never forget it.
And besides, it took them two days to put this roast together.
It's the least we can do.
Okay.
I was in the Army two days when General Fulbright stopped me and he said, "What's the matter, soldier? Don't you see this uniform?" I said, âWhat are you complaining about? Take a look at the rag they gave me.
" [all laughing.]
But you wanna know something, General? I was a good soldier.
I saved 280 men.
I shot the cook.
[all laughing.]
What's this? [cocks gun.]
You're gonna love this, General.
We got a critic in the room.
I understand we have a very special friend of the General's here with us tonight.
He'd like to pay his respects.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a nice, warm welcome for Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith.
[all cheering.]
Shecky, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to say a few words about General "Bull" Fulbright.
A man I've known all my life.
Needless to say, we don't call him "Bull" for nothing.
[exclaiming.]
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing.]
(Hannibal) This is the big surprise? (Face) Isn't it fantastic? Lunch at the Beverly Bay Club.
It's Friday, Face.
Fridays I sneak into Paramount and try to hustle a job out of a casting director or two.
Yeah, well, your sneaking days are over, Hannibal.
'Cause Templeton Peck is moving up in society.
[sighing.]
Here you go.
Well, I'll just leave the keys in the car.
I still don't see how this is going to turn my acting career around.
Hannibal, you can meet more producers here at one lunch than you can in a whole year of sneaking onto studio lots.
This is the lunch spot in Beverly Hills, you know.
For instance, Jeff Sikorsky Head of Bi-Star Productions? has lunch here every Friday.
Just like clockwork.
Always orders tuna fish and milk.
Now wait a minute, this is a very exclusive club, Face.
What are you? Their token fugitive? Look, I always wanted to be a member of this place.
Well, I started putting in applications before I went to Nam.
In fact, I patterned the DMZ Racquet Club after this place.
Yes, right down to the sauna and the men's locker room.
(Face) Ah, Mr.
LeCraw.
Listen, I want you to meet a very good friend of mine, Hannibal Smith.
How do you do? How do you do? Listen, Chuck, I want to thank you and the membership committee again for all you've done.
Well, it was a very close vote, Mr.
Hemmings, but you are in.
And I couldn't be more pleased.
[chuckling.]
There is still the two-month trial period, you understand.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm behind you 100% on that.
We can't be too careful over who we grant membership into a club like this.
Although, personally, I don't even see why we need two months.
I mean, I can spot the riffraff in two days, for crying out loud.
[laughing.]
Goodbye.
[sighing.]
Mr.
Hemmings, this club is going to cost you a fortune.
Yes, well, obviously, my background wouldn't fly.
Ashley Hemmings, on the other hand, prepped at Westminster yes, and then went on to Yale.
Yes, captain of the rowing team.
[sighing.]
Center-midfielder on the lacrosse team, you know.
Corporate attorney in Century City, with a second house in Newport Beach.
Can't wait to see his yacht.
Plane.
He flies a plane.
Took me two months to create this guy.
You know, bank records, credit ratings, driver's license-- Madras shirt, argyle socks.
Ha-ha! [birds chirping.]
[golf club swishing.]
Two for lunch, Mr Hemmings.
This way.
Face, are you sure you're gonna be comfortable being a member of this club? Hannibal, this is my chance to be part of the upper crust.
[people chattering.]
Thank you.
Which, of course, is where I belong.
But it's Ashley Hemmings who's being part of the upper crust, not Templeton Peck.
Well, look, I just wanna go legit, Hannibal.
Now, I don't want to end up in prison.
Oh, my gosh.
Jeff Sikorsky, last table on the left.
One of the key movers and shakers in Hollywood.
Of course, here, he's just another member of the club.
I'm not sure about this, Face.
Ashley.
I'm Ashley Hemmings.
Funny, you're a dead ringer for Templeton Peck.
What are you doing at my club? I'm a guest of Dr.
Richter.
Your psychiatrist brings you to his country club? Every Friday.
Yes, doubles in the morning, and a session at lunch.
You see, exercise, it frees up those associative blockers.
Well, do me a favor, Murdock.
I'm Ashley Hemmings, and you don't know me.
Oh, what a shame.
I mean, the value of a place like this is getting to know the right people.
Oh, the doctor's in the locker room.
I'll sign the check.
That's fine, Mr.
Murdock.
The man is signing checks.
(Murdock) There you go.
See you next Friday.
I'll be here.
[giggling.]
I can't even sign checks for two more months.
You know, Hannibal, you really should try the hot pecan pie.
(Murdock) Simply scrumptious.
[groans.]
(Face) Oh, here he comes.
Keep ii LIP- [chuckling.]
Jeff, how's the fish? Hey, how's the backhand? [laughing.]
Jeff, Jeff Sikorsky, I'd like you to meet a dear, dear friend of mine.
Hannibal Smith.
Jeff Sikorsky.
How do you do, Mr.
Sikorsky? Oh, please, Jeff.
"Hannibal Smith.
" What a great name.
Hannibal is a very fine actor.
He's just in from New York.
Really? You should shoot your résumé over to my office.
Mark it personal and confidential.
I'll do that, Jeff.
Does that put me in for the 10%, Jeff? [laughs raucously.]
Means that you can add it to my tennis losses, H.
M.
Listen, I've gotta run.
It's nice meeting you, Hannibal.
Same, Jeff.
Take care.
Bye.
[sighing.]
Well, thanks for the intro.
You told him not to know you, remember? You're palling around with Jeff Sikorsky? Great exec, lousy tennis player.
Dr.
Richter and I are cleaning his clock at doubles.
Oh, I don't believe this.
(Mrs.
Prescott) There you are, Ashley.
Oh, no.
I just had to stop by and tell you that my daughter Adrian is here today.
Really? Oh, really.
She's playing the front nine.
She'll probably be making the clubhouse turn at any minute.
So, why don't we go down there and I will finally introduce you? Well, see, I'm sort of busy here, Mrs.
Prescott.
Oh, that's okay, Ash, you go ahead.
I'll be fine.
Oh.
Then it's all settled.
See you down there.
[sighing.]
Thanks.
Boy, is this lunch turning south.
Oh, Face, the real benefit of a club like this is getting to know the right people.
Oh, Hannibal, please, this daughter's gotta be a real woofer.
[birds chirping.]
Well, you're the caddy, it's your job to mark the lie.
Okay.
I found it.
(Adrian) Give it to me.
[giggling.]
[laughing.]
What the heck is this? It's a golf bag.
Who would put a golf bag in the middle of-- Forget the bag.
Adrian.
Adrian, we can't keep sneaking around like this.
Don't you think we should tell your mother about us? No.
Absolutely not.
She'd never understand.
Now shut up and kiss me.
Adrian is always off in the rough.
She has a terrible slice.
And maybe you could correct that.
Yeah, look, maybe we should do this another time.
Oh, don't be silly.
Adrian! Oh, my gosh.
It's my mother.
Where are you, dear? Mother, what are you doing here? So, this is your-- You were due back 20 minutes ago.
Now, I could see your bag from the patio.
So I just decided that we would surprise you.
I hate surprises.
This is Ashley Hemmings.
Ashley is an attorney.
Another surprise? Yes, how do you do? Excuse me, mind if we play through? Go ahead! Come on, Mother, I'm through for the day.
[leaves rustling.]
There's a slice worse than yours, dear.
Oh, Adrian, perhaps we should give the gentleman a ride.
We don't pick up hitchhikers.
[exclaims.]
I thought you two should meet.
You know, we have an extra ticket to the roast tomorrow.
Mother, I told you, I'm busy tomorrow.
Don't be rude, dear.
Rude is trying to marry me off on the ninth fairway.
Hey, he found our bag.
Hey, you, with the bag! Keep driving, girls.
Tennis courts are nightlit.
There's an extra putting green there.
That's the front nine, and that's Faceman chasing someone into the rough.
No shooting in the rough.
[gun firing.]
Let's get out of here.
Wait for me, guys! [gun firing.]
(Face) Try to stay off the fairway, okay,guys? Move it out of here! Come on! (Face) Oh, no.
(Face) Fore! (Face) Playing through! (Face) Oh, no, not on the green! Well Chuck LeCraw is gonna love this.
(Chuck) You have been a member for a week and we find your golf cart upside down on the eighth green.
On a green, yet! Chuck, listen, I'm really very sorry about all this but those two players were shooting at that caddy.
What two players? The two players that jumped over the wall.
Mr.
Hemmings, our members usually leave the club through the lobby.
Well, I don't think these guys were members.
See, they had guns.
Oh.
Well, Andy Brumby, who was crouched for a putt on seven says you had the gun.
Me? A gun? Mmm.
Look, according to the starter's sheet those players were signed in as guests of a Mr.
Bob McKeever.
(Chuck) He claims these men were brought into the club by you, Mr.
McKeever.
Chuck, I didn't have any guests today.
Somebody must have signed my name.
And I thought we had a rule about guests signing in with members present and all that.
You're absolutely right, Bob.
Besides, my guests keep their firearms mounted on the wall.
[all laughing.]
Gin.
Super.
Well, boys, that's it.
62, 25 for gin is 87.
Plus the four that you lost when he knocked.
Well, let's see, that makes $10 a point and-- $1,862.
How did you do that? Oh, well, it's just a talent I have.
Well, sorry to bother you, Bob.
(McKeever) No bother.
I'm on probation.
Can you believe that? (Hannibal) I'm sorry, Face.
Face? Hannibal? Ash.
Look, who are you? What's going on? We're the guys who know what you were doing in the rough with a caddy named Frank Pallotta.
So? So? Honey, the guys with the guns were trying to kill that caddy friend of yours.
We can't have things like that going on at the country club, now, can we? If I were you, I'd tell us where he is.
Otherwise you may wind up explaining that to your mother at his funeral.
All right, let's go.
[snorts.]
Attorney, huh? (Landrum) For you, Bob.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Any luck? Yeah, we got an address on that caddy that grabbed the bag.
Good.
Now you go over there and terminate the deal.
You sure? Absolutely.
But make sure you get a refund first.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and there's a new member here named Ashley Hemmings.
I think you may have run into him on the golf course.
I think that you may wanna take the time to meet him.
Yes, sir.
Right.
Vice presidents.
You gotta remind them every day how to conduct business.
[knocking at door.]
(Adrian) Frank, are you home? (Hannibal) Looks like we're not the only ones on his trail.
Face, you and Adrian check the bedroom.
[birds chirping.]
Hold it, kid! I don't have it.
Look, I'm telling you, I don't have it! Relax, man, your girlfriend wanna see you.
A golf bag filled with money? That must have been the reason they were chasing me.
This bag was packed solid full of cash, $100 bills.
The golf bag.
What do you think, Face? What would it hold? Well, a golf bag's about three feet high and let's say, oh, 16 inches in diameter and then there's those little side pockets where you keep the balls and tees, and Yeah, see, each packet is $10,000.
.
So, I'd say you could stuff about $2 million in there and still have room for a couple of golf clubs.
Where's the bag? Well, I stashed it in the rough when I jumped over the wall.
The thing was really slowing me down.
You left $2 million in the woods? Money isn't everything, Adrian.
But it ain't nothing.
Let's get that bag before somebody else does.
You locate that caddy? We tore his place up.
No bag, no caddy-- Find the caddy and make him take you to the bag.
That means coming back to the club.
You come on back, I'll arrange cover for you.
Tell Yelvington to go back to the airport.
We don't want to raise any eyebrows.
Yes, sir.
(Frank) I think I ran over that way.
Bingo.
Oh, yes.
Take a look.
[chuckles.]
Funny money.
It's counterfeit? Just paper.
So, we got a bag full of counterfeit dough and two hook-nosed golfers trying to pick it up.
Those thugs were signed in with McKeever whose guests don't carry guns but nonetheless were shooting at our boy Frank here.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You just can't waltz into the Beverly Bay and sign in as a guest of a member.
Nay, they watch this place pretty close.
Good point, Murdock.
What does this guy McKeever do for a living? He's the president of Merchant Security Bank.
I love it.
I knew it, I knew it.
All these rich folks are crooks.
That is a gross generalization when applied to an entire sociological target group.
Yeah, but it's true.
[scoffs.]
Come on, I wanna meet this guy.
Why do we have to hide it here? Because we have to get to it quickly.
This is just temporary.
I'm doomed.
I'll never get off probation now.
I can say I "was" a member of Beverly Bay Club.
Yeah, for a week.
All right, we got a bag of funny money and a banker.
Now, what else do we know about McKeever? He plays gin for $10 a point.
Golf, too.
I've heard talk around the club about his game.
It's high stakes.
I think McKeever's handicap is about an eight.
Hmm.
A gambler.
I bet the guy just hates to lose.
Okay.
We'll get him in a golf game.
Face, you and Murdock get rid of whomever he's supposed to play with today.
Well, how do you propose to meet McKeever? Well, we're all members of the same club, right, Face? [stammering.]
No! We're How you doing, sweetheart? Nice to see you all.
Well, my goodness, you really like those walnuts, don't you? [laughing.]
Oh, I love them.
They're full of vitamins, minerals, linoleic acid.
That's what I keep telling the little missus.
Bob McKeever.
Hannibal Smith.
You know, I found a great way to get rid of the shells.
Yeah? What's that? I just started tossing them.
I can sit on my back porch and throw them 30 yards into my lake.
Impossible.
Too light.
No, all you have to do is work on your throw.
See, you start with a whole nut.
Then you get down, you can pitch those shells a mile.
It's like working out with a medicine ball.
How far would you say it is to the ninth tee over there? Fifty, sixty yards.
I can toss a walnut over that tee.
Impossible.
Too light.
For $100? Are you trying to hustle me, Mr.
Smith? No.
For nothing.
Gentlemen's bet.
What do you say, Bob? $500 says you can't pitch it over the ninth tee.
$500? That's kind of steep.
Come on, it's action.
No fun if there's no risk, hmm? Okay.
You play golf? Sure.
Want a chance to win your money back? You bet I do.
Yep, we've got to play someday.
It's too bad that I've got a partner today.
There you are.
Five Ben Franklins.
I'll see you.
You bet.
Gluing that ball bearing in that walnut shell was perfect.
Go to work on the golf balls.
It's gonna be good, Hannibal.
[chortling.]
Pretty good, pretty good.
All right, once again, now.
Don't break the wrist.
Keep it down like this.
Nice and tight.
Jimmy, listen My favorite grip.
All right, listen, I'm looking for Bob McKeever's golf partner.
Yeah, I just met the gentleman.
He's over there, putting his clubs in the cart.
Thanks.
You got it.
Unbelievable.
Of all the country clubs in Los Angeles General Fulbright has to be a member of my club.
Face, you're gonna to have to get plastic surgery.
No, I'm not.
Face, we got to dangle the fox in front of the hounds.
No, we don't.
Face, it's got to be you.
It can't be me, because-- No! No! Listen, you have got to be a caddy.
You've got to be kidding.
No.
Oh, and have my car brought around front.
I will not! Tip the guy a buck.
No! [clears throat.]
Ashley, I've been looking all over for you.
Mrs.
Prescott, listen, I really can't stop and chat right now.
I just wanted to apologize for Adrian's behavior.
All is forgiven, now if you'll excuse me, I-- [groaning.]
Peck! Excuse me, ladies.
[tires screeching.]
What is going on here? That's it! He's history! [tires screeching.]
What do you mean, he's called away on business? He's a general.
What are we, at war? The general, he sends his regrets, sir.
Great.
Now who the hell am I supposed to play? [birds chirping.]
Mr.
Smith.
Well, Mr.
McKeever.
Yeah.
The walnut pitcher.
How'd you like to play nine? Sure.
What are the stakes? $500 a hole too rich for your blood? No, $500 would be just about right.
Great.
It's gonna be fun.
You betcha.
Nice shot.
That is quite a hook.
Yeah, I can never tell where the heck it's gonna land.
What did you say that you did for a living? Well, I recover valuable objects for people.
I always thought this green broke the other way.
Must be all the rain.
You're quite a player, Mr.
Smith.
You're up $500.
Your honor.
Hello, this is Ashley Hemmings.
I'd like an outside line, please.
[enunciating.]
Hemmings.
You got a real soft touch, boss.
Mmm.
Yeah, Trans Allied Express? This is Bob McKeever, Merchant Security Bank and, well, there's something I need to check.
[door opening.]
[door closing.]
(Fulbright) I lost them.
I can't believe they got away.
But at least they'll be back.
(Case) Seems unlikely, sir.
Believe me, Sergeant, they'll be back.
They're here.
I can smell them.
Run me a shower, Sergeant.
Hot.
[door sliding.]
Pressure's on, Bob.
Well, you got to hit it.
Chuck! I was just looking for you.
Listen, about those statues I'm sorry.
A double bogey.
Another hole for me, Bob.
Yes, I'm down six holes to two.
That's $2,000.
What do you say we play for double or nothing on the ninth hole? Well, I haven't been completely straight with you, Bob.
Remember what I do for a living? You're some kind of a locator.
Right, and I've located something you want.
Maybe we could play for that.
What could you possibly have that I want? It's our stuff, boss.
Who the hell are you? We're the A-Team and we've got your $2 million of funny money.
But I'm willing to let it ride on the last hole.
What's my side? You win, you get the money, I walk.
I win, you still get the money, but you give us 50%.
We're getting a real criminal element in this club.
We'll have to speak to the membership committee about it.
You're on.
[device short-circuiting.]
Well, it looks like your luck is changing.
No, no, I insist, Bob.
You go ahead, it'll add to the suspense.
You asked for it.
That's a gimme.
[ball clattering in cup.]
Well, you'll have to sink that to win.
Are you ready to concede? Are you kidding? This is the best part of my game.
Ha! Game.
Not quite.
[gun cocking.]
I'll have my money.
Are you gonna pull guns right here on the golf course? You've got it.
Okay.
[gun cocking.]
Why are you sticking your noses into all this? 'Cause you stink up the entire country club and you got my favorite caddy fired.
We caddies are a rough bunch.
[grunting.]
[groaning.]
What would the A- be doing at Beverly Bay? Doesn't make sense, General.
[machine guns firing.]
No, not in my club, they don't.
Come on.
Nice shot, Colonel.
[exclaims.]
Look at that.
Come on, let's go.
Fulbright! [gun firing.]
I'm out.
I can't believe I'm out.
Months of hard work down the drain.
Just because of a few indiscretions.
Just because I shower fully dressed-- Face.
Face.
What? What did you find out? Oh, yeah, yeah, Trans Allied Express.
Yeah, they transport cash for banks.
And guess who one of their biggest clients is? Merchant Security Bank.
Bob McKeever.
Bingo.
And did they throw him out of the club? No, no, no, he's still a member.
Yeah, well, anyway, they've got a huge load going out later today.
Does the club own that wooded area back there? Yeah.
I think they're storing the counterfeit money somewhere in those woods.
You stumbled on a pick-up point when you found that golf bag in the rough.
I don't understand.
What's it got to do with the airport? McKeever's bank ships cash cross-country using Trans Allied Express.
Now, I think McKeever intends to take the bank's cash and switch it for the counterfeit money.
But just to have the right kind of ashes 'cause I'll bet right after the switch the plane blows up.
Then the pilot just bails on out.
And the counterfeit money burns and McKeever winds up with $2 million, real money, in cash.
Which no one is looking for because it supposedly burned up in the crash.
That's a pretty good plan, Hannibal.
Yeah.
Is there a shack or something back in there? Oh, yeah, there's this old boarded-up building that Adrian and I ran across.
Face, you and Frank, go back, get into the club, and find that shack.
Keep your eye on it.
When they're ready to move, let us know.
Take a walkie-talkie.
we'll get ready for them here.
Colonel, there's just one little problem: I'm no longer a member.
Oh, I can sneak you in.
You can? Sure, I do it all the time.
You would be surprised how many people out there on the course aren't even members.
No security.
No respect for new members.
Criminals playing gin.
You know something? I'm glad I'm not a member of this club.
So are we, Face.
Yeah, who needs it? Mr.
Hemmings.
Chuck! What are you doing here? Trying to sneak into Beverly Bay now, are we? Well, look, Chuck, I know haven't been a model member but we've discovered something you are not gonna believe.
Mr.
Hemmings, I am not interested in anything you have to say.
Now, will you please leave the property before I call the police? And you too, son.
There's a major counterfeiting operation going on at this club.
Right.
You see, there's a shed back there-- Wait a minute.
What were you doing back there? Well, that's a long story.
But that shed is being used to store some very funny money.
And Bob McKeever's behind the whole thing.
Bob McKeever, huh? Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's quite an accusation.
But even if it is true, you won't live to tell about it.
Oh, Chuck, not you, too.
I'm afraid so.
Yeah, well, actually, it restores my faith in human nature.
[people chattering.]
Excuse me.
[tapping over PA.]
Please take your seats now.
Thank you very much.
Hi.
(Greene) As General Fulbright once told me âIf you have an intellectual problem "ask an officer.
âHe'll know a sergeant who knows the answer.
" [all laughing.]
You know, when I went into the Army That waiter.
they asked me my religion.
That's Peck.
Hold him I was a devout I need you to help out on the dais.
But-- Just do it, please.
Right.
[all laughing.]
I'm telling you, that waiter's Peck.
Begging the General's pardon, sir but I think you've got A-Team on the brain.
(Greene) You know something? This stuff kills me and I wish it'd kill you.
[all laughing.]
General Fulbright confided in me he said, âShecky, in 30 years in the Army "I only had one disappointment: I never once âsaw Bob Hope.
â [all laughing.]
Let me tell you something else about this wonderful man.
He's a soldier's general.
He once said to me, âShecky, I slept in a pup tent.
" Peck! Who? [groaning.]
(Greene) What's happening? Could you give me a hand, Mr.
Greene? Thank you.
[exclaiming.]
Stop him! Stop that man! He's one of the A-Team! [waiters groaning.]
Ashley, you're a waiter.
Oh, no, it's a smoking jacket.
[exclaiming.]
[tires screeching.]
(Face) These guys are armed to the teeth.
Got you, Lieutenant.
Out.
We're gonna need something outrageous.
The A-Team, huh? They've got another thought coming if they think they're gonna stop this load.
All right.
Pretty quiet.
I like it.
Well, set the timer and you're off.
See you in a few days.
[beeping.]
Hey, is this the flight to Cucamonga? We're all fueled up.
You've got the wrong plane.
I don't think so, sucker! Hey, Hannibal, we got big trouble.
Fulbright's right on my tail.
[tires screeching.]
There's a bomb in that plane that's set to go off in three minutes.
Murdock, get this plane in the air.
(Hannibal) B.
A.
, get the van.
[beeping.]
[gun firing.]
[steam hissing.]
[beeping.]
Do you mind if I play through? Well, this is typical.
One minute, you're the member of an exclusive club the next minute, you're a waiter.
A fake waiter.
I'm sorry about you losing your membership.
[sighing.]
Why don't you become one of Dr.
Richter's patients? Then maybe he can bring you here as a guest.
(Hannibal) Yeah, look on the bright side, Face.
Chuck LeCraw and Bob McKeever lost their memberships, too.
Yeah, they'll probably start their own club in prison.
Well, we did gain one new member.
Frank and I are getting married.
Congratulations.
I really wanna thank you guys for giving me the arrest and letting me collect the insurance company reward.
(Frank) I guess I'm finally one of them.
Too bad.
What about your mother? Frank insists we invite her to the wedding.
It's time.
Hannibal, are you sure you wanna go through with this? Face, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
[people laughing.]
He will never forget it.
And besides, it took them two days to put this roast together.
It's the least we can do.
Okay.
I was in the Army two days when General Fulbright stopped me and he said, "What's the matter, soldier? Don't you see this uniform?" I said, âWhat are you complaining about? Take a look at the rag they gave me.
" [all laughing.]
But you wanna know something, General? I was a good soldier.
I saved 280 men.
I shot the cook.
[all laughing.]
What's this? [cocks gun.]
You're gonna love this, General.
We got a critic in the room.
I understand we have a very special friend of the General's here with us tonight.
He'd like to pay his respects.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a nice, warm welcome for Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith.
[all cheering.]
Shecky, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to say a few words about General "Bull" Fulbright.
A man I've known all my life.
Needless to say, we don't call him "Bull" for nothing.
[exclaiming.]