The Exes (2011) s04e15 Episode Script

Haskell Lutz? Is that really you? No.
It depends.
Who are you? And what do you want? It's me cousin Donny.
My grandmother was your great Aunt Sally's stepsister on your father's side? I missed you, Cuz! Yeah Haskell, aren't you going to introduce us? Uh, well, this is a distantly related parasite who found out that, uh, I made some money, and he's looking to squeeze some out of me.
- Pleasure.
- Oh, uh How did you find out about the dough? We're Facebook buddies, buddy! Ha ha ha.
Impossible.
I never friend a Lutz.
And that's why I used the name Morgan Freeman.
Listen, Haskell, you know I would not be here if it wasn't life and death, okay? But Mom's sick.
All right don't try to Lutz a Lutz.
Who else in the family knows about my windfall? No one.
Yet.
And I'm guessing you'd like to keep it that way? All right, all right, all right.
But not a word! Are you questioning my integrity? Once I'm bought, I stay bought.
Haskell, I can't believe you let that guy shake you down.
I had to! If word got out, every Lutz would come slithering out from under their rocks and get their greedy paws into my pockets.
What a miserable bunch of lowlifes.
Hey, do I talk about your loved ones like that? Anyway, I gotta keep those jackals outta my money.
Well, one way to protect yourself is to let me draw you up a will.
Okay, but I usually don't like to dwell on my demise or the frail state of this mortal coil.
Yo, chief, more buttermilk ranch for my wings.
Ah Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on? I'm gonna prepare a will for Haskell so those blood-sucking Lutzes can't get their hands on his money.
Hey! What is it with you and my family? Uh, I'm so upset, I'm shaking.
My hands are literally shaking! - What's wrong? - The tenor dropped out of my a cappella group.
The Sweatermen have a competition in four days.
I am officially down the old mill stream without a paddle.
Can't you just dig up some other guy with a high voice and a straw hat? Holly, that is a tired cliche.
We wear cardigans.
And besides, this is a championship singing group.
You can't just dig up that kind of a talent.
Hey, excuse me, sir, could I get a Beer There is that tenor that got kicked out of the Riff-Raffs, but no no, he's trouble.
He got caught in the dressing room with an e-cigarette.
Stuart, what about the guy standing next to You-ou-ou You know, Stuart, I think Phil is trying to drop a Hi-i-i-i-int Look, Phil, you have a great voice.
I just didn't think you'd be into this kind of thing.
Are you kidding me? Singing onstage in front of a crowd? That's definitely my thing! - Yeah! - All right, well, then welcome - to the Sweatermen.
- Right on! All you have to bring is a whole lot of soul - and a pair of pleated khakis.
- Got it.
Ah, ah.
Tan, not stone.
We're not hippies.
What's up, Sweaterdudes? Guys, this is my good friend Phil who's been gracious enough to lend his vocal talents to our little group.
Let's give him a warm Sweatermen welcome Hello Hello Hello Hell-o Whassup, whassup Whassup? Whassup? Okay, all right.
Let's get to work.
We only have three days until Acapalooza.
We'll start with Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
Phil, did you get a chance to look at the music? Yeah, I got this.
From pickup to verse two.
And Crazy little thing called love - Well, this thing - This thing called love - Called love - It cries - Like a baby - In the cradle All ni-ight - Ah - This thing What happened? Well, you tell me.
Where does it say, In the cradle all ni-ii-ight Oh, I was just feelin' it, man.
How 'bout we just feel it as written? Gentlemen count him in from "it cries.
" - It cries like a baby - Like a baby In the cradle all night This thing, this thing It's too much.
Just bring it down.
- Uh-huh.
- Just Phil.
Uh-huh.
It cries like a baby In the cradle all night Nuh Still too much.
Just let the words do the work.
Again.
It cries like a baby - In the cra - Nuh.
You're rushing.
Again.
It cries like a baby - In the cra - No.
Dragging.
Again.
In the cradle all ni No.
You know what? Let's just take five.
Phil, when I come back, fun time is over.
Mr.
Lutz to see Ms.
Franklin.
My 11:00's here.
I'll call you later.
Hey, Haskell, good! Come on in.
Have a seat.
Let's get started on your will, okay? First order of business End of life instructions.
What are your wishes? Not to die.
However, if I have slipped into a vegetative state, I've signed this DNSR.
"Do not stop resuscitating.
" That's right I don't care how long it takes or how tired they get.
I want them pounding around the clock.
All right.
Burden on society.
Got it.
All right, now, let's move on to distribution of assets, hmm? Well, assuming that Mother will have sadly passed by then Please.
I leave 10% of my estate to my bowling mentors "Mumbles" Williams and "Pie Mouth" Mahoney.
Do you have any friends that aren't Dick Tracy villains? As a matter of fact, I do.
I leave the remainder of my estate to the people who stood by me during the dark times, who helped me not only get through divorce but flourish and make a new life.
I think I know who you're talking about.
Yes.
Phil and Stuart.
A-and? Did I mention "Pie Mouth" Mahoney? - Yeah, Pie Mouth's covered.
- Oh, good.
So is there anyone else that you might have forgotten? Anyone, you know, who who who who's always been there for you? Let me think.
Let me think.
Let me thiiiiink.
No.
I'm good.
- So are we done here? - Oh, we're so done.
Hey, there he is.
- What the hell was that? - What was what? Rehearsal.
"Crazy little thing called" uh! Crazy little thing ca Mm! Crazy little mm! Hm Hm! So you're upset.
That's why you didn't join us afterwards for tea and lemon cakes? Damn straight, I'm upset, man.
I love singing, and I was really looking forward to this.
- But you embarrassed me.
- I didn't mean to.
Look, Phil, you just have a lot of catching up to do.
I was just trying to reach inside you and pull out the best you have to give.
Yeah.
Don't be reaching inside of me, man.
And second, don't worry.
This isn't gonna happen again, because I'm not coming back.
No, no, no, no, no.
Phil, I know that rehearsal can be intense, but this is the Manhattan Acapalooza.
We've won the trophy the last three years in a row.
We have a chance at a four-peat, but not without the great Phil Chase.
You blowing smoke? Is it blowing smoke to say you have a gift? Come on, Phil, come on.
I need that voice, the talent, the charm, the charisma, the magnetism.
I - I'm back.
- Ohh Crazy little thing called love Crazy little thing called love Okay, that was just awesome - Cool! - If the song was in the key of off! Ugh God! Okay, This is an A Eddie - Aaaaaaaa - Oh A mess.
Don.
Aaaaaa A-trocious.
Phil.
- A - A nightmare! Okay.
I'm gonna go look for a water fountain while you guys look for that A.
I'll give you a hint.
It's one of these! Uh-oh.
We made him mad.
What are we gonna do? Once we bought him macaroons.
That seemed to cheer him up.
Cheer him up? What about us? This is music.
This is supposed to be fun.
Guys, please tell me you don't enjoy being treated like this.
Well, sometimes after practice, my wife says I cry in my sleep.
But it's just at competition time.
At least I'm not this stressed at work.
- What do you do? - I'm a homicide detective.
Look, all I know is you guys sound great.
Hell, we all sound great, and it's time Stuart started respecting that.
I wouldn't mind a compliment now and again.
- Yeah.
- I see him in my dreams, and he's spanking me.
Yeah, that might be a whole another issue.
- Ohh - Look, the point is, we deserve to be treated better, and it's time he knew it.
We're not the Sweaterboys.
We're the Sweatermen! - Mm! - Absolutely right.
I know I'm right! Okay, let's start again.
Hopefully, you guys found your As so we don't have to go on a scavenger hunt.
Crazy Little Thing from the chorus.
And One, two, three Someone want to explain to me what's going on? Yeah, Stuart, - me and the guys been talkin'.
- O-oh, really? - You and the guys, huh? - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
We think you're being a little too tough on us.
Oh! I see, I see.
And you all feel that way? Uh-huh.
Eddie? How 'bout you, Don? Yes, I do.
You push us way too hard.
We're trying out best, but nothing's ever good enough.
Stuart, all we're saying is lighten up a bit.
Make it a little more fun.
Say "good job" every once in a while, and nobody's loving the fist, dude.
I get it I've been too rough on you guys.
You want me to back off, to go a little easier.
- Exactly.
- Okay.
Well, forget it! This is how I run my group.
If you want an "attaboy", then go join the Atta Boys.
They come in dead last every year! I'm done! Just finished typing Haskell's will.
It's ready for his signature.
Eh.
Just put it over there in the ingrate pile.
Eden, I can't believe after all I've done for him, he leaves me out but remembers some guy named Pie Hole.
I know.
The more I typed, the more upset I got.
No one's done more for him than you.
I lent him money.
I let his rent slide.
Listened to his troubles, I gave him pep talks.
- You were a friend.
- I was a saint! You put a roof over his head.
- You gave him a home.
- I gave him a life.
And what do you get in return? Nothin'.
Not a penny.
It's not about the money.
I'm hurt! Actually, now I'm past hurt.
Now I'm angry.
Then you should do something.
Something that will hurt him as much as he hurt you.
Really? Like what? How about an accidental shove onto the third rail? Calm down, Eden.
I'm angry, not psychotic.
I know call the IRS.
Haskell doesn't pay taxes.
He'll get 20 years.
Eden! What? Jail's out.
Murder's out.
Why don't you just send him to summer camp without sunscreen.
I never should have agreed to do his will.
I should have just let his relatives pick him clean! Ooh! You thought of something, didn't you? Oh, yes, I did.
It's cruel, almost unmerciful.
What? I'm going to unleash the Lutzes.
Hey, Stuart.
'Sup, buddy? Come on, man.
Say something.
I had an award-winning group for three years.
You destroyed it in two days.
I'm sorry, but none of this would have happened if you had lightened up a little and had some fun.
Everything's gotta be fun with you, doesn't it, Phil? I'm not having fun right now.
Come on, Stuart.
It wasn't just me.
You were making those guys miserable.
Please.
They always feel pressure this time of year because they wanna win.
And you know why we win? Because we're excellent.
And you know why we're excellent? Because I drive them.
Well, do you have to drive them so hard? - It's just a singing group.
- It's just a singing group.
You have no clue what this means to me, to all of us.
Bill sells insurance.
Eddie's in I.
T.
I'm a dentist.
But when we're up on that stage and the audience is cheering We get to be stars.
You even know what a cappella means? I thought so.
But now I'm guessing no.
It means "in the chapel style.
" It's a spiritual expression of your soul, and for one night a year, our souls get to soar.
But not this year.
Hey, Eden.
Your lobby is filled with the most motley, sleazy, sketchy group of lowlifes I've ever seen.
Oh, good! The Lutzes are here! What are they doing? Uh, right now they're pretty much just picking each other's pockets.
Perfect! All right, I'm gonna go over there and have Haskell sign his will.
Give me two minutes, then send them up.
- Okay.
But hold my wallet.
- Okay.
Damn it! Hello, Haskell.
I have the final copy of your will ready for your signature.
As per your wishes, it includes everyone you care about.
Yes, it does.
Yeeeep! Looks like we're done.
Uh, not quite.
Uh, Holly, you may have noticed that someone is conspicuously absent from my will.
Who, "Thunderbutt" Magoo? No.
You.
Holly, I don't know what would have happened to me if it wasn't for you.
You saved me.
And that's why I didn't put you in my will.
Okay, you lost me I didn't want you to wait until my demise to express my gratitude.
I wanted you to be able to enjoy it while you were young.
Well, I wanted you to be able to enjoy it.
Holly I treasure you.
Haskell What did you do? My God! Oh, my God, oh, my These must have cost a fortune! Well, you know, I didn't know whether to get you earrings or a necklace or bracelets, so I got you everything.
It killed me not to say anything, but, you know, I wanted it to be perfect.
Oh, it's more than perfect, you sweet, sweet man.
- I'll get it.
- No, no, no! - No, no, don't answer that! - Why not? Because we're having a moment.
I don't want it to end! Oh! But it might be important.
No, no, no! Don't answer that door! Why not? Wait a minute.
I smell beef jerky and gasoline.
There's a Lutz out there! No.
There are dozens of 'em.
- How do you know? - I might have called 'em.
- What? - I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But when you left me out of your will, I was so hurt, and then I got angry, real angry.
So I started calling prisons and carnivals Anywhere I could find a Lutz.
Do you have any idea what you've done? I'm so sorry.
What are we gonna do? Uh we could wait till morning.
Daylight scares them off.
Ah who am I kidding? They're not gonna leave until they get what they came for.
I'm gonna have to pay them off.
No.
I will.
- Are you sure? - Well Good idea! All right, Lutzes! Here's the deal.
State your sob story, get your jewel, and then get lost.
Lenny Lutz, cousin.
I wanna form a boy band.
Ralph Lutz, uncle.
Opening a Chipotle.
Ruth Lutz, niece.
A dingo stole my baby.
You're not even trying! Haskell, what the hell are you doing? I'm a Lutz! One, two, three, four.
Crazy little guy named Stu Well, buh-dooba-buh-do, this guy - The name's Stu - The name's Stu - Well, he's cool - So cool Some would say almost hip - We know - Woo woo - That he's the reason - Woo woo - That we rock - Do do do And win the Acapalooza championship Yeah, we love him Crazy little guy named Stu Crazy little guy named Stu - Now, we didn't mean to - Ooh ooh - Make you go away - Doo doo We're lost without you Without you Don's got a fever And Eddie's in a cool, cool sweat Doo doo wah, ticka-ticka-chhh Doo doo wah, bah-bah-bah Bah-bah-bah-bow - We know - We know - Without Stu - Without Stu - We can't win - We can't win He's a rock god wearing a cardigan - Cardigan - So I'm here - I'm here - With the guys To say, Stuart Gardner, we apolo-gize Yeah, we love him, crazy little guy named Stu Crazy little guy named Stu He's a crazy little guy named Stu We know he's kinda crazy He's a crazy little guy named Stu-uuu-uuu, yeah - Let's do this.
- Yeah!