The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s04e15 Episode Script

Okay, okay.
Everybody, listen up.
Listen up! As acting manager while Jackie is away, I'd like to announce a few changes.
Now, due to the numerous requests, the no tipping policy has been waived.
Oh, hello.
Don't forget to pick up your applications for the new and exclusive stockroom clerk.
- So you're in charge now, huh, Will? - Oh, sure, you're right.
And you know what they say.
Behind every successful man, there's a woman.
But if you wanted to switch positions, I'm with that too, know what I mean? Hey.
Hey, where are you going? Where are you going? Come here, girl.
Oh, hey.
Professor Milligan.
How are you doing? Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
You're coming down here to swear me in as the new manager.
You're making the right choice because as you can see, this place is bumping.
Maybe so, but sales aren't.
Take a look.
You throw a good party, Will, but nobody's spending.
I'm afraid you're just not management material.
Wait.
Hey, hey.
Professor Mil.
Hey, listen, listen.
You're not gonna let a silly little thing like profits stand in the way of my promotion, are you? I'm sorry, I've already made my decision.
I'm bringing in one of the most conscientious freshmen business students for the job.
Very meticulous.
Bakes me fresh muffins every day.
No.
No.
No, he's not: - Well, where did you get this thing? - They were passing them out at school.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's that? The I Hate Hilary newsletter.
"Dedicated to the premise that weathercaster Hilary Banks is a boob.
" Get to the insulting part.
"Hilary Banks doesn't know the difference between a cirrus cloud and a cumulus cloud.
" What is the difference? Will, look around.
Do you see my TelePrompTer here? "Hilary's knowledge of the weather is as skimpy as those ridiculous outfits she wears on the air.
" I mean, it's one thing to attack my performance, but my wardrobe? I don't think so.
Yep, every business major at ULA wanted The Peacock but my prospectus blew away the competition.
Who knows? I could be the next Ross Perot.
I don't know.
Let's see.
Short, obnoxious.
All you need is a bad haircut.
And your ears.
Well, I'm proud of you, son.
Your first job, and you're running the entire operation.
That's right, big guy.
There aren't too many first year students with my level of savvy and maturity.
Fruity Pebbles! And there's a little tugboat inside, Ross.
You know, Dad, the best part is, this could be my ticket to Princeton.
Professor Milligan says that lvy League schools Iook pretty darn favorably on management experience.
How do they feel about guys who still depend on the crossing guard? Hey, that's a dangerous intersection, mister.
- Quit putting your hands - Hey, hey! You two are gonna have to come to an understanding and work this thing out.
All right, all right.
I'm I'm willing to try if you are, boss.
Put it there, Smith.
Well, Geoffrey, this might be a very good experience for both of them.
Especially Master William who will discover the joy of working for a Banks.
Hey, Professor Kemp, Professor Meyers.
Hey, Will, how are the subs today? Oh, well, you know, sort of like your lectures.
Long, stale and full of baloney.
I'm stupid.
I just failed, didn't I? Look, check it out, here's a sub on the house.
- Oh, thank you.
- All right.
Instant A.
What up, Dex? Hey, look, man.
I saw Donna the other night down at the quad and I told her breaking up with you was the biggest mistake she ever made.
- So she'll see me again? - Oh, no, man, she hates your guts.
Hey, but look, there's always more fish in the sea.
I should know.
They call me Aquaman.
Well, I've spent the whole morning back in the stockroom.
What a mess.
Do you believe someone papered the ceiling with hundreds of Jet beauties? That's fly, ain't it? I like to think of it as my own Sistine Chapel.
Yeah, well, Phillipe's been in there worshipping for two hours.
Hey, hey, relax little fellow.
You'll get your turn.
Hey, hey, hey.
What up, dog? Dog? Will, this is a place of business, not a kennel.
Therefore, you will greet each customer as follows: "Hello, I'm" Your name here.
"Welcome to The Peacock, where our motto is: Whatever you want, we've got it.
" I'll give that a shot, Carlton.
Hey, hey, hey.
My name's Will.
Welcome to The Peacock, where our motto is: Girl, whatever you got, I want it.
Will, you're getting it all wrong.
Hey, look, man, as long as I'm getting it.
Look, Will, personal relationships aside I'm your boss, and you have to listen to me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Carlton, you say something? May I remind you, I'm the one issuing your paycheck? Yes, sir, General Shorcoff.
That's the spirit, soldier.
I am so frustrated.
What's the matter? Mom and I wrote down a bunch of meteorological terms for me to memorize, and I keep screwing them up.
Why didn't I become an anchorperson? They don't have to know hardly anything.
It's commendable that you wanna improve your skills.
You don't have to impress those newsletter people.
I don't want to impress them.
I want to smack them.
Daddy you're a judge.
Can't you just throw them in jail or something? Sweetheart, the worst thing you can do is blow this thing out of proportion.
Now, if you ignore it, it will probably go away.
Did you really refer to Hurricane Robert as Bobby? Well, Robert just sounded so serious.
It was serious, darling.
It wiped out half of Miami.
Well, excuse me for trying to spread a little sunshine.
Daddy, I just can't stand the idea of people hating me.
Hilary, people love to attack celebrities.
It's part of the price you pay for being in the public eye.
You're right.
I'm gonna call someone who's been through this.
Who's that, honey? Someone who knows what it's like to be hated.
Oh, Shannen? Hi.
Hilary Banks.
You remember that I Hate Brenda thing that you went through? What do you mean you don't know me? You spilled a drink on me at Roxbury.
Hello? Hello? Boy, she's not gonna make many friends with that attitude.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm Carlton Banks, Peacock manager.
And I'm afraid these tables are for eating not loitering.
- We did eat.
- Yes, you did.
Seven minutes ago.
Are you saying we have to leave? No, no, no.
You can stay if you order something else.
Look, I particularly recommend the shrimpy cocktail.
Will, I could use a little help out here.
I ain't coming out, man! Fine, then you're not getting paid.
Damn.
Carlton, I think we need to have a little talk, man.
You know bird to nerd.
Sorry, I'm busy.
So, ladies, have you decided? - Drop dead.
- Excellent choice.
Look around, man.
The Peacock is a place where people just come to kick it, man.
To relax.
You know, get away from the pressures of class.
If you start hassling them, they'll go somewhere else.
Where? The closest competition is three blocks off campus.
Look, don't you see, Will? We've got these people by the textbooks.
We can charge and pretty much do whatever we want.
This is like sex to you, isn't it? Yes.
Well, you know what? It doesn't turn me on, Carlton.
I think you're being an idiot.
What do you think you're gonna do with that, mister? Marking up the prices, Will.
Can't let you do that, Carlton.
These people are students.
They're good people.
Decent people.
They can't afford to pay any more.
Save it for someone who cares.
Freeze, man! Do what you got to do, cowboy.
Hey, give me back my gun.
Listen, as your boss I'm not gonna tolerate that kind of insubordination.
You're not my boss.
You're just some butt-kissing, apple-a-day suck up that got lucky.
Oh, that's it.
That little outburst is going to cost you a reduction in hours.
Well, I'll do you one better.
How about zero hours? I quit! Oh, yeah? Well, well Don't ask me for any recommendation.
I know Will's mad, but this is ridiculous.
I mean, he hasn't talked to me in two days.
What do you think I should do? Count your blessings.
Hey, what's up G? - Will.
- No, no.
Will, you can't keep me.
It's not: That's what I said: Well, you can't even right.
Stay out of my face, man.
I'm still not speaking to you.
Fine, be that way.
Master William I've never seen you behave so coldly.
I like it.
Well, G, a man has got to stand his ground.
A man also has to work to pay his bills.
Otherwise, I'd be out parasailing with these.
Seriously, what are you going to do for money? Already taken care of, G.
Got me a brand new job, three blocks off campus.
The Chestless Touchdown.
This is an outrage.
Look, Uncle Phil, I swear that dent was in that car before I hit that mailbox! - What dent? - Exactly.
So, what were you saying? Those newsletter bozos put up a big "Honk, if you hate Hilary" billboard right at the corner of Sunset and Doheny.
Oh, damn.
That mean they took down the Naughty Nightie girl.
Hilary! Hilary! More snow today with temperatures dropping to the low teens this evening.
- Sweetheart, l - Daddy, I have the greatest idea.
If I watch the weather in New York I'll have a three-hour jump on the competition.
Honey, that might not work every time.
Listen, when you drove to work today you didn't by any chance go down Sunset Boulevard, did you? Oh, I couldn't.
It was backed up for miles.
And everyone was honking like it was New Year's Eve.
Chance of snow and a minus three wind chill.
Well, my work is done.
I'm going shopping.
Sweetheart, I've thought it over, you know, and you're right.
I'm gonna put an end this newsletter business.
In fact, I'm gonna head down to the law library and get right to work.
Thank you, Daddy.
Now, dress warm, it's gonna snow.
Please don't go.
Look, I apologize for performing the Heimlich maneuver on you.
I really thought you were choking.
And now, to create a more festive mood The Peacock is proud to present music from Hawaii.
The entertainment charge has already been added into your check.
Also, we are pleased to announce that the proceeds from our new pay toilets have enabled us to buy this brand new metal detector.
Remember, less flatware theft means lower prices for you our valued consumer.
Man, they ought to draw a chalk outline around this place.
Hey, Jazz.
So, what can I get you? A sandwich? A T-shirt? Peacock-a-cola? - I made that one up myself.
- It shows.
Actually, I just came by to see Will.
Mr.
Smith is no longer employed here.
Looks like he took everybody with him too.
They didn't leave because of Will.
They left because of me.
I mean, they just need time to get acclimated to some of my new policies.
Phillipe told me you cut the teeth marks off the pickles and reuse them.
Look, Jazz, I'm in real trouble.
My professor's coming down to check on business.
You know a lot of people.
Maybe you can bring some of them by.
What's in it for me? Well you know how your pigeons are always getting sick all the time? My babies.
I'll pay their vet bill for the rest of the year.
Even Oliver? He has a heart murmur.
- Even Oliver.
- Be back in an hour.
Jazz, what is this? Pretty good job, huh? It's nice to have friends you can call on at the last minute.
Oliver.
Banks! What is going on here? Professor Milligan.
Well, see, sir.
I've managed to diversify our clientele.
If anybody asks, I've been with you all day.
Banks, I don't know what you've done to this place.
But whatever it is, I suggest that you fix it, or I'll yank you off this project.
But But, sir, what? Jazz, you better get those freaks out of here immediately.
You're the boss.
All right, you weirdos, beat it.
Daddy, I've got some news.
So do I.
I've filed the necessary court papers.
We'll have that newsletter killed in no time.
Daddy, don't you dare.
My ratings this week have gone through the roof.
They're even talking about letting me announce the lottery number.
Well, what about your reputation? So, what if a few people don't like me? I'm a hit.
Sweetheart, think about this.
Is this the kind of fame you want? People are gonna be tuning in, not to hear your weather report but looking for a laugh.
Hello? You're kidding.
Well, of course, I'm interested.
Who was that? They're thinking of making me an anchorperson.
I've gotta brush up.
Who is this Bosnia person I keep hearing about? Forty-eight, 49, 50.
Have fun with them potatoes, spud.
Oh, hey.
Will, I've thought about it, and I can't let you do this to yourself.
Hey, come on, Carlton.
Come back when I'm on a break, all right? Excuse me, may I cut in? Carlton, what are you doing? This is a sports bar, man.
Will, I know you only left The Peacock because of your foolish pride.
No, I left because of my foolish cousin.
Will, you can't be happy here.
This is a franchise.
The kind of place where they treat employees like faceless, anonymous nobodies.
Will Smith, come on up here.
I know you've only been here four days but the staff has voted you employee of the week! Let's have a hand for Will Smith, huh? And by the way for winning this honor, you get the weekend off with pay.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- All right.
Oh, Carlton, save me from this hellhole.
Okay, Will, I was willing to let bygones be bygones.
But I can see it's no use.
It is no use, right? Fine.
I guess the dream is over.
I'm obviously not management material.
All those summers at business camp were just a waste of time.
Oh, Carlton, hold up, man.
Look, you're not a bad manager.
You just stink when it comes to people.
And you stink when it comes to business.
So, what does that tell you? That we both stink.
Yes, individually.
But together we'd smell like success.
What do you say, Will? No, man.
I got a good thing here.
Come on, Will.
I'll make it worth your while.
I'll give you priority shifts, and you can wear your own clothes and you've got unlimited use of the stockroom.
- No, man.
- Well, what do you want, Will? You know, I kind of want you to beg me.
Beg? I don't know how to beg.
I'm rich.
Look, Will, I'll give you $ 1000 if you come back.
Gosh, you don't get it, do you? Carlton, it isn't always about facts and figures and green pieces of paper with dead presidents on them.
Look, a man's most valuable possession is his self-respect.
- Make it 2000.
- All right, let me go get my hat.
Hey, hey, hey.
Professor Mil, chill.
Hey, listen, man.
Look Now Listen, hey, listen.
- Hey.
- No, hey.
- Hey, well, listen.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, I got it.
Okay, I've got it.
You ready? Let's pick it up from right there.