The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e15 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man On Earth.
ERICA: Todd is snooping around, trying to figure out - if I'm pregnant yet.
- So? - Sorry, Todd.
- TANDY: Bottom line, she wants a baby, and you're her only shot.
We've got company.
I'm telling you, someone's out there.
Mike.
Mike? Gotcha.
(SOFT, INSTRUMENTAL INTRO TO "FALLING SLOWLY" PLAYS) I don't know you But I want you All the more for that (IN HARMONY): Words fall through me Always fool me And I can't react Games that never amount To more than they're meant Will play themselves out BOTH: Take this sinking boat And point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice You have a choice You'll make it now.
(MIKE LAUGHS, PATS TANDY'S BACK) Whoa.
You like that haircut? I love it.
(MIKE SIGHS) (WITH JAMAICAN ACCENT): Top of the morning, mons.
Oh, praise Jah.
I found you.
- What's with the dreads? - Oh, just a fun ting to distract me from me natty toothache, mon.
Oof.
But dere's no time for dat.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): Look, guys, hey.
I'm gonna drop my pitch-perfect accent 'cause this is serious.
Look, I have something to show you.
Come on.
(QUIETLY): So, when I woke up this morning, I heard noises coming from the tent.
Jasper's back? Well, I assume it's him.
I mean, who else could it be? So, I figured that we could all welcome him back together.
So let's all say a big hello to Jasper on three, okay? One.
Two.
Three! Hello, Jasper! Wait.
Jasper? Or whoever was in here? Oh, you're looking for me? (ALL GASP LOUDLY) (MIKE GRUNTING) (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, what did you do? We just wanted to surprise you.
(SOBBING): Oh.
Oh, - Mike.
- Boo! (SCREAMS) What? (SNORTS, LAUGHS) Blanks.
You are sick, Gail! Sick! Burn.
So, then I cross over into Colorado, and by this point I'm exhausted and I'm starving and I'm thirsty, 'cause all the rainwater I'd collected it was gone.
Uh, so, I found this, this creek, and I, uh I'm kneeling down to fill up my canteen.
And I look down into the water, and there's I-I see there's, like, something shiny.
So I reach down, and I grab hold of it, and it ended up being a handle to some kind of hatch.
- A hatch to what? - I mean, before I could find out, just boom, this bag comes down over my head.
- (GASPS) - What kind of bag? Like a-a paper bag, plastic, uh, straw, tote? - Was it tote? - GAIL: Tandy, no one gives a flying burrito about what kind of bag it was.
Excuse me for trying to establish a motif, Gail.
MIKE: So, I can't see anything.
When the bag is finally taken off my head, I am surrounded by dozens of people.
- What'd they do to you? - They-they chained me up for months.
Uh, they-they tortured me, they drugged me.
They-they, you know, experimented on me.
I-I mean, the whole nine Nueve.
Ocho is eight.
Yeah.
So, eventually, I-I was able to escape.
I have no idea where I am, and these guards are chasing after me, so I quickly duck into this file room to hide.
And, guys, what I found in there is gonna blow your minds.
I found us.
- What? - Dozens and dozens of files about each one of us.
- (PEOPLE GASPING) - I'm talking with photographs, uh, your medical records, personal information, - everything.
- What are you saying? What I'm saying is, I don't think that we are just survivors.
We're designated survivors.
Oh! Oh, my God.
- (CAROL GASPS) - But the scariest part of this all, and-and it truly chills me to the bone to even think about, but is that I am completely messing with you guys, and this whole story is B.
S.
- Oh! - What?! - (LAUGHTER) - Oh.
- Ah! Ah! (LAUGHS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) No, I saw one of your poop balloons.
Mike Miller! Oh, gar! - So, you never got the virus? - MIKE: No.
It must've been something else.
I-I assume my immune system was weak from being up in space for so long, but, yeah, no.
I don't know.
Anyway, once I fully recovered, I, you know, went straight to Malibu, but you guys had already left.
But I-I left you a note in Tucson.
I didn't see a note.
(OVER HEADPHONES): Tell her Never want another girl like you, have to say, oh Ain't nothin' gonna break-a my stride Ain't nobody gonna hold me down - Oh, no - Oh, no I got to keep on moving Ain't nothin' gonna break-a my stride.
So, what'd the note say? Uh it, it doesn't matter now.
Look who just woke up.
Oh, my God.
Is that? Yeah.
Come on.
Mike, I'd like you to meet our daughters.
This is Bezequille, and this one is Mike.
Named her after Mike Clarke Duncan.
Big Green Mile fans.
Yeah.
JK.
Named her after you.
Hey.
Hi.
- It's good to have you back, Mike.
- (CHUCKLES) ERICA: So, this is Dawn.
Oh-ho-ho, look at that.
You guys got babies all over the place around here now.
So, you were saying that it's you and Dawn and - Gail in here? - Yeah.
Uh, Gail and I, actually we got married.
Oh.
Oh.
I mean congrats.
Congrats.
Th-Th-That's, uh, well, that's great.
Look, I know this might be weird, 'cause we we had that kiss.
No.
Hey, seriously, Erica, I-I'm just really happy for you.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, Todd.
What's up? I just, uh, didn't realize, um, Mi-Mike was in here.
- MIKE: Yeah.
- Hey, Mike.
Todd.
No, I know you, Todd.
And we've been hanging out all morning.
I Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
Um, so, uh, you, uh happen to tell him about our thing, or? I mean, I-I hadn't exactly got to that yet.
'C-Cause it's not a thing anymore? Or you just haven't gotten to it yet? - Can we talk about this later, please? - Yeah.
That's not even why I came in here.
So why did you come in here, then? Yeah, 'c-cause I heard, uh (CLEARS THROAT) this thing is wobbling, is all.
You know, and I'm always like, (CHUCKLES) "Not on my watch, ya heard?" Let's see what's going on here.
That's And there's the problem.
See? Right there.
Hear that little wobble? - (THUMPING) - (TODD WHISPERING) (LAUGHS): Yeah.
It's all fixed.
All right, th thanks, Todd.
So, Todd and I are, um we're trying to have a baby.
Another baby, huh? - Just diving right back in.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
So, are he and Melissa not together anymore, then? - No, they are.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
So he's just he's, like, a sperm donor, then? ERICA: Kind of like that.
M-Mostly like that.
Yep, no just leaves.
It's all right.
Okay, we got some steps coming in going into the van.
- Just Don't No.
Hold on.
- You said steps! I know.
They're right here.
Th There.
Yep.
Bingo.
- Keep your eyes closed.
No peeking.
- Okay.
Okay.
No peeking.
Watch out on the right.
- Okay.
Almost.
You ready? - Yeah.
- Ta-da! - (GASPS) Diego! And Clementine! The whole gang! Terence, Trent, Darby hanging together as usual.
Oh, I've missed these guys so much.
Thanks for bringing 'em.
No, are you kidding me? Thank you.
Yeah, I mean, I was genuinely shocked at how close I actually got to them.
Well, I mean, except Darby.
- Oh? - Who is, you know, kind of a tool.
Cut him a little slack He had a rough upbringing on account of how much he looks like a scrotum.
MIKE: Hmm.
Well, now I feel bad.
No, no, no, no, don't.
He is a friggin' tool.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, to be sure.
So, uh, yeah, why don't you give me the tour? What is all this stuff? I mean, this puppy's fully loaded.
I got everything.
Um, got a backup generator, computers, printers, I got a satellite dish up on top.
Oh.
What is this thing? Oh, yeah, that well, this, uh, this is thermal imaging, you know? It basically uses satellites to find heat signatures.
Get out of town.
Like how the Predator sees? If that helps you, sure.
Uh, but, I mean, it's a little tricky to decipher stuff, but, I mean, I'm getting better at it, so, uh This is a, uh, moose in Siberia.
I'm guessing that was a few birds, uh, down in Australia.
I found your buddy Jasper.
- Ah, that's so cool.
- Yeah, this thing really, um really kept me going out there.
You know, and, um during the dark times when I was, uh, at my loneliest, um I would just sit down and search for life.
Well you found it.
I did.
- Yeah.
- I did.
I thought I'd never see you again.
Yeah.
Yeah, um So, hey, do you want me to give you a hand bringing these guys in the house, or? No.
You keep 'em.
We're speaking off the public record and on the private record here.
I'm spinning out a little bit about Mike being back.
I mean, you know, he's handsome, single, effortless charisma, and I'm just worried that Erica's gonna see what we all see.
You know? That he's obviously the better option as a dad.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, it's like you do the math.
I've already done the math, and you're right He's definitely a great option.
I thought you were gonna say something to calm me down, hon.
Oh, relax, Todd.
She's just greasing - your tractor skids.
- MELISSA: I wish I were, Gail.
Okay? But we're dealing with an alpha dog.
And, Todd I mean this in the best way But you're you're a solid beta.
I know.
What are we gonna do? - Just go talk to him.
- We don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.
You know? Look, how about this? I'll write him a fair but firmly worded note, and I'll pick out a card stock that shows I mean business.
You know? And we'll we'll sign it from the group.
Todd, just talk to him.
He's a reasonable guy.
You're right.
You know what, I'm just gonna go down there and ask him what the deal is, you know, and-and if he says he wants to have a baby with Erica, then, you know, out comes the stationery.
That's my tiger.
MIKE: We gonna rock (HARMONIZING): Down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher No, no, no, lower.
No, it's "higher.
" No, I mean sing lower.
Oh, you want me to sing "higher" lower.
- Yes.
- Got it.
Okay.
We're gonna rock Down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it - (LOW): Higher - (HIGH): Higher - Like that? - No, a little lower.
Lower? Higher - La - Higher - You're getting there.
- Higher.
Mike, uh We-we need we need to talk.
- Oh.
One sec, bud, okay? Okay.
- Hold on.
BOTH: And then we'll take it higher - Higher - Higher - Higher, higher - Higher, higher - Higher - Higher Mike - That's you - Yeah.
- And this is me - Mike.
(LOW): High Wh-What are your intentions? Oh, uh, to nail this harmony and then roll right into Oh, when the saints Oh, when the saints - Go marching in - Go marching in Oh, when the saints go marching in Lord, how I want - To be in that number - Mike.
Mike.
When those saints go marching in.
No, I mean what are your intentions with Erica?! My intentions? I Well, what are you talking about? As you know, Erica and I have an agreement.
And I'm not letting anything get in the way of that.
Uh Mike, can you give us a-a minute? Uh, sure, yeah.
What's up, bud? Choose.
What? Him or me? Who's it gonna be? He's my brother.
So you choose him? (STAMMERS) I'm not choosing anyone.
You've already made your choice, bud.
Hi, Todd.
I didn't do it.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) You, uh didn't do what? I didn't vandalize your truck.
- Oh, you didn't, huh? - Nope.
I walked by it, it was in, uh, pristine condition, and then I came in here, and, you know, I've been modeling ever since.
Haven't seen a soul.
Well, uh, if you haven't seen a soul, - how did you know it was vand - Look, I didn't do it, okay? It was Los Punkos, a Mexican gang.
Street toughs.
Look, Todd, I'm not gonna pretend to understand what's going on inside that head of yours right now, but, um well, just so we're clear, I'm not here to do anything but see my brother and my friends.
Is that so? Yeah.
And just to be even more clear, I I consider you to be one of those friends.
Really? Yeah, really.
Look, as a a friend who has spent most of the last four years completely alone, I-I'd love to offer you some advice.
You know, I'd encourage you to count your blessings.
You're married to an incredible woman, and you've got a second incredible woman that wants to have your baby.
And you live with a family of people who love you.
Well, I'd hate for you to take that for granted.
'Cause that would be a real shame.
Knock, knock.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look, I-I don't know if now is a good time for you - No, no, no, it's a good time.
- Oh, great.
Good, 'cause I Look, I have I have something I really need to say to you.
- Todd - Look, I-I just really owe you an apology.
Since we started trying to have a baby I haven't been myself.
The way I've been acting has damaged the relationships I cherish.
And for what? You know, some Hail Mary chance at having a baby? It's just it's just not worth it.
So I think it's time that we just both take a step back and agree that we we just can't do this.
Okay? I'm pregnant.
- What? - Yeah.
(SOBBING): Congratulations.
- Be right back.
- Oh.
You okay? (TODD SNIFFLES) (CRYING): Never been better.
Then why are you crying? I mean, I put you in this situation (SNIFFLES) you may not even want to be in anymore, you know? Todd I knew what I was signing up for.
Yeah, you thought you did, and then I went nuts.
You did.
You definitely did.
But I know who you are.
You're a kind and wonderful man that got a little bit off track.
Don't worry, I'll get you back in the second and third trimesters.
I guess we're doing this, huh? We're doing this.
TANDY AND MIKE: Reunited And it feels so good Reunited 'Cause we understood There's one perfect fit The first one must've been a false negative.
(SCOFFS) These expired tests are an emotional roller coaster.
I hope this isn't a false positive.
I think you're good, Carol.
(BOTH VOCALIZING) - Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) (CAROL LAUGHS) Well, Klosterman's dogs are barking, so, night, y'all.
Yeah.
Thanks, everyone.
- Congrats, Erica.
- (CAROL SIGHS) Yeah, Tandy, I'm gonna head to bed, too.
- Okay, I'll be there in a few.
- Okay.
- Hey, you want to sing another one? - Sure.
Yeah.
- All right, all right.
Let me - (BABY CRYING) Oh, Tandy, do you mind helping me with the babies? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Be right there.
Yeah, sorry, bud.
We'll do it tomorrow.
- Oh.
Yeah, no problem.
- Night.
Good night.
(SIGHS) What the hell?