The Simpsons s04e15 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[ Beeping .]
[Jazzy Solo .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
[ Trumpeting .]
[Radio: '60s Pop Song.]
[Male Announcer.]
Doin' a monster song with ya on this beautiful Valentine's Day.
[MaleAnnouncer#2.]
Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs.
[Marty.]
Well, it's kind of a love song--all the monsters enjoying each other's company-- dancing, holding their evil in check.
- [Announcer#2.]
You played the wrong record, didn't you? - Why are you doing this to me? Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
Ohh.
A valentine from my granddaughter.
[ Meek Voice .]
Could I have the envelope? "To Moe-- from your secret admirer.
" - Yoo-hoo! - Oh, God, no.
[ Smooches, Belches .]
And this is for my Huggy Bug, in honor of this special day.
[ Thinking .]
Special day? Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic.
Is it bacon day? No.
That's crazy talk.
She's getting impatient.
Take a stab at it.
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, thank you, dear.
- Whoo-hoo! I'll bet you have a lot Of things planned, eh, Dad? Uh, kind of.
Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
[ Singing Pop .]
[ Howling .]
Hey, Dad, why don't you give Mom her present? What a nice idea, son.
It's, uh, upstairs, on the second floor of our house.
- I'll just go get it.
- [Running Footsteps.]
- [Door Slams.]
- [Running Footsteps.]
[Homer Grunting, Screaming.]
Apu, you gotta help me.
I need a Valentine's gift for my wife.
- Perhaps this might be appropriate? - Yes! - You saved my life.
How much? - One hundred dollars.
What? That's highway robbery.
I won't pay it.
- Oh, I think you will.
- Forget it, pal.
[ Humming .]
All right! But I'll never shop here again.
[ Thinking .]
If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
- Nickel off on expired baby food.
- Sold! Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines? Not just yet, Janey.
First we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
- Isn't that just pointless busywork? - Bull's-eye.
Get cracking.
- Yes, Ralph? - My parents won't let me use scissors.
- [Kids Snickering.]
- The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph.
These things couldn't cut butter.
Now, take out your red crayons.
- Miss Hoover? - Yes, Ralph? - I don't have a red crayon.
- Why not? - I ate it.
- [ Kids Laughing .]
[ Over P.
A.
.]
Attention, everyone.
This is Principal Skinner.
Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts featuring crude, off-color sentiments.
Well, let me tell you something.
Valentine's Day is no joke.
- Sending your chick a valentine, huh? - Yep.
- [Gunfire.]
- [ Screaming .]
Johnny? Johnny? Johnny! Cool! I broke his brain.
- All right, children.
You may now exchange valentines.
- Miss Hoover? I glued my head to my shoulder.
[ Chuckles Weakly.]
[ All Chattering, Laughing .]
[ Whimpering .]
- [ Crying .]
- Poor Ralph.
- Here you go, Ralph.
- [ Gasps .]
You choo-choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.
[ Sighs .]
All right! Special holiday meal.
- Where do you want these beef hearts? - On the floor.
- It doesn't look very clean.
-Just do your job, heart boy.
[ Single Heartbeat .]
[ Grunts, Groans .]
- Bart, what's wrong? - My baboon heart.
Body rejecting it.
[ Gags .]
- [ All Screaming .]
- Mm-hmm.
- [Bell Ringing.]
- [ Kids Chattering, Yelling .]
Can I walk you home, valentine? - Sure, I guess.
- That valentine sure was funny.
[ Chuckles Weakly.]
Glad you liked it.
It says, "Choo-choo-choose me" and there's a picture of a train.
Yeah.
Nice gag.
Uh, so do you like stuff? The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds - if I kept my finger out of there.
- [ Chuckles Weakly.]
Well, here's my house.
[ Theme .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Yelps .]
Ahh.
[ Cooing .]
Ah.
Hmm.
Huh? [ Screams .]
[ Yelping, Screaming .]
Hey, kids, don't forget to watch my 29th anniversary show featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce.
[ Drunken Voice .]
Everyone's always kissing your ass.
Well, I'm not afraid to tell you you're a-- [ Bleep .]
- Oh, I'd give anything to go to that show.
- I'd sell my firstborn son.
- Hey! - You'll do as you're told.
Ralph thinks I like him, but I only gave him a valentine 'cause I felt sorry for him.
Ah, sweet pity.
Where would my love life have been without it? What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested? - Well, honey-- - Let me handle this, Marge.
I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend.
" "I think we should see other people.
" - "I no speak English.
" - I get the idea.
"I'm married to the sea.
" "I don't wanna kill you, but I will.
" Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
- Thanks, Mom.
- And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
" Ralph, I think you're nice, but I'm just not ready for this kind of thing.
- Do you understand? - I guess so.
Good.
Dad, how do you get a girl to like you? Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence.
Keep at it and never lose your cool.
[ Grunting .]
- Aw, come on, ya stupid-- - [ Gunfire .]
Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts.
Okay, Dad.
I'll be persistent.
Is that how you got Mom? Well, son, never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.
Ohh, yeah.
[Chomping.]
Ahh.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
[Chomping.]
Ahh.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
[ Drumroll .]
- [ Cymbals Crash .]
- Hey, boys and girls.
Only four days till my anniversary show.
Twenty-nine years.
And when I came on, they said I wouldn't last a week.
And you know where those reviewers are? All dead.
How you doin' down there, fellas? Huh? Huh? - Anyway, here's a clip.
- Now why do they call this a urine monkey? Uh-- Ohh.
I just found out.
That's funny for so many reasons.
We have to go to that show.
Forget it.
To get those tickets, our parents would have to be part of Springfield's cultural elite.
Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? - Eww.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
[ Gasps .]
Oh, no! It's Ralph! just make up some excuse.
- She's in the can.
Go away.
- Yes, sir.
- I'd do anything for Lisa.
- Really? Mr.
Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy! Yeah, they'll do that.
"Dearest Martha, Since boyhood "I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill, and with your help "this I shall achieve.
Sincerely, George Washington.
" - [Applause.]
- Thank you, Rex.
I've selected the cast for our Presidents' Day Pageant.
- Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson.
- [ Giggles .]
George Washington will be played by [Clears Throat.]
Ralph Wiggum.
- Hmm.
- What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school! - Sit down, Rex.
- I will not sit down.
- Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow! - That's absurd, Rex.
Ralph won the part fair and square.
That's the signal.
Take the boot off the car, boys.
[ Both Chuckling .]
Now Ralph is in the play with me.
I just know he's gonna embarrass me in front of the whole school.
- [Knocking.]
- Huh? [Running Footsteps.]
Ohh, no.
It's a package from Ralph.
Ohh.
A Malibu Stacy convertible! "Look in the tunk.
" He must mean "trunk.
" [ Gasps .]
Tickets to the Krusty anniversary show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
Oh, it isn't fair.
I'm 1 0 times the Krusty fan you are.
I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy Test.
I'm not sure I should go.
I don't even like him.
You're right, Lise.
You shouldn't go.
It wouldn't be honest.
I'll go, disguised as you.
-What if he wants to hold hands? -I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- What if he wants a kiss? - I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- What if he-- - You don't wanna know how far I'll go.
Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like? Sure, it is, honey.
You do mean stealing, don't you? Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, But my conscience is bothering me.
Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.
Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.
- Oh, shut up.
- Yes, sir.
I am so glad you cho-cho-chose to come.
[ Chuckles Weakly.]
I think you should give that a rest, Ralph.
- Chief Wiggum, how'd you ever get these tickets? - Krusty knows how to play ball.
[ Neon Buzzing .]
Ahh.
Nothin' beats a good porno movie.
- Chief Wiggum, is this a bust? - Uh, yeah that's just what it is-- a bust.
- That story isn't suitable for children.
- Really? - I keep my pants on in this version.
- Eww.
- [Drumroll.]
- [Announcer.]
It's the Krusty the Clown - 29th Anniversary Show! - [Applause.]
- Hey! - ####[Fanfare.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, Mr.
President! I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you! [ Guffaws .]
You know, I started this show so long ago, the ayatollah only had a goatee.
- Ha-ha! - [ Buzzes .]
What's the matter? Don't you people read the papers? Uh, let's look at some clips.
"He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow.
" Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? - [ Laughs Dementedly.]
- We discussed this, and I said no.
[Laughing.]
Now, here's a clip from 1 973.
- ## [ Rock Beat .]
- ## [ Singing .]
Yeah! [ Screams .]
- What was I on? - Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream? - No, thanks.
- Send it this way, boy.
- Whoops.
- Ohh.
Aww.
Nothing gets chocolate out.
See? I've worked with some marvelous second bananas over the years but none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem.
Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this.
- I wouldn't.
- Right on.
[ Growls Softly.]
Angry.
Angry young man.
Now, for my favorite part of the show.
Whuzzat say? "Talk to the audience"? Oh, God.
This is always death.
- All right.
- Oh, no.
Please don't show me with Ralph.
- What's your name, son? - Ralph.
- [ Whimpers .]
- And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? Yes.
I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her! No-o-o-o! Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! And the only reason I gaveyou that stupid valentine is 'cause nobody else would! Watch this, Lise.
You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
- [V.
C.
R.
Clicking.]
- [ Whimpering .]
- And now.
Ohh.
[ Ducks Quacking .]
At least you guys are my friends.
- [Quacking.]
- [ Sighs Sadly.]
Son, I know just how you feel~- You got a great little girl, and the world's your oyster.
No, Dad.
She made a fool out of me.
Hey, come to think of it, she did.
Well, she didn't reckon with the awesome power of the chief of police.
Now, where did I put my badge? Hey, that duck's got it! - [ Quacking .]
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
Give it back.
I need it.
- [ Duck Squawks, Wings Flutter.]
- Aww, keep it.
[Siren Wailing.]
- Something wrong, Officer? - Yep.
Gota tail light out.
- Where? - Right there.
You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.
They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date? This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies.
I just don't know what went wrong.
You opened the show with a fire drill, and everyone cleared out.
Mm.
So Mother was right.
It was my fault.
Go ahead.
Water it down some more.
My God, man.
I've watered her down as far as she'll go.
I cannot water no more.
- [ Gulping .]
- Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
- [ Person Coughs .]
- We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known presidents.
- [Drumroll.]
- ####[Presidential Fanfare.]
[ All Singing .]
I died in 30 days! [ All Continue Singing .]
[ Vaudeville-style Finale .]
[ Audience Applauds .]
Hey, girls.
Check out this president.
I am not a butt! [ All Screaming .]
Bart, do you wanna play John Wilkes Booth or do you wanna act like a maniac? I'll be good.
Ralph, I'm sorry I-- Leave me alone.
I'm here to play George Washington.
Uh, Ralph? Miss Hoover, this beard's giving me a rash.
Milhouse, you have one line, and then you're shot.
- Now, get out there.
- [ Gulps .]
I thought that civil war would never end.
Now, to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theatre.
Oh, no! john Wilkes Booth! - Hasta la vista, Abie.
- [ Milhouse Grunts .]
- [ Both Grunting .]
- Come on, boy! Finish him off!.
- [ All Screaming .]
- You're next, Chester A.
Arthur! - [ Balls Popping .]
- Unhand me, Yankee.
- And now, our evening comes to an end-- - Whoo-hoo! with a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington.
- [Homer.]
D'oh! - [ Audience Applauds .]
Dear, dear George Washington, can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed? Well, can it? Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe or the providence that sustains us? - But couldn't we just give in to the British? - Never! - [ Audience Whooping, Cheering .]
- That boy is magnificent.
He makes me wanna learn more about our founding fathers.
- To the library! - Yeah! Dear Martha, I fear my time is at hand.
[ Sobbing .]
Oh, George.
Your broth, Mr.
President.
I asked for no broth.
Away with you, lest my cane find your backside! Mm.
Yes.
[ Sobbing .]
Please don't leave me, George.
Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life it would be your tender kiss.
[ Sighs .]
Now, that's a man.
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Continues Sobbing .]
[ Whimpering .]
I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig but I'll cry now.
[ Sobbing .]
[Hydraulics Whirring.]
[Patriotic Song.]
Thanks for coming, and don't forget to purchase some orange drink for the long ride home.
Ralph! Ralph! You were so good.
Ralph! - Lisa! - Hi, Ralph.
- You were great tonight.
- Ah, thanks.
- I've got something for you.
- "Let's be friends.
" It says "bee," and there's a picture of a bee on it! - [ Both Chuckle .]
- I thought you'd like it.
Ohh, look at that.
[ Dispatcher.]
Attention, all units.
Riot in progress at-- - Not tonight.
- [Radio Announcer.]
Hey, hey! Bill and Marty here wrapping up a beautiful Presidents' Day.
[ Marty.]
To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.
[ Radio: '60s Pop Song .]
- [ Marty.]
Doggone it! - ####[Singing Continues.]
- [ Marty.]
Doggone it! - ####[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
- [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!