2 Broke Girls s04e16 Episode Script

Here's your check.
I didn't charge you for the fries, 'cause I ate them.
Max, look out! The diner water bugs are getting really big.
Relax, it's the diner's new surveillance drone.
God, you empty the register five or ten times, suddenly there's no trust.
So to be clear, we're out of soap but we have a drone? I hate that Han's just sitting in back, watching us, working his little joy stick.
Please, no one's getting any joy out of Han's little stick.
This is so annoying.
It's following me.
Well, with a butt that flat, it's the only black thing that's ever going to follow you.
Ugh, there's another drone out here? I just killed one in the kitchen with a fly swatter.
Go.
I mean, if I wanted to be spied on, I'd change my name to Achmed, and buy a condo near the airport.
Whatever happened to buying a painting of an old sea captain, drilling out the eye holes, and hiding behind it? Not cool, Han.
And the worst part is, it's moving around so much, I can't find my good angle.
Not cool and not Han.
I stole this while he was explaining to me why a 77-year-old man, on minimum wage, doesn't need health care.
Earl, that is awesome.
Not really.
I need that health care.
No, that you stole that.
We need to do something that will make Han never want to spy on us again.
Oleg, open your pants.
Earl, fly that camera in there.
But first, take off your underwear.
Underwear? Come on.
What am I, five? Inches? Oleg, aren't you at all worried about Earl's cataracts? Best case scenario, I get a little manscaping.
Worst case, I've been meaning to get circumcised.
My eyes! d Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh d d Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh d Max, I'm writing out the check for our bank loan, and I'm not quite sure what our balance is because here under "withdrawal" you just wrote, "yeah".
Well, if you don't like that, you're really not going to like the picture I drew under "deposits.
" I saw it.
Max, zeroes are not balls, they're not boobs, and they're not googly eyes.
They're just zeroes.
Says you.
I'll go check our balance at the ATM.
Even though the last guy who touched it had a cold sore so big, I charged him for a party of two.
Don't worry.
You are not going to get anything from that machine.
Especially cash.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, yeah.
Somebody better make me some eggs because I've been on a juice cleanse for three hours, and I'm dizzy.
Yeah.
I mean, they call it a fast, but it sure does go slow.
I was on a three weeks fast, once.
Then I realized my mother wasn't coming home.
So I made a sandwich.
Oleg and my wedding is coming up and we're trying to eat clean.
Yeah, baby, 'cause you know we're eating dirty on the honeymoon.
Oh, dear God, what? Another used condom in the receipt slot? - Worse.
- What? Stuff that should be in a condom but isn't? We're below zero.
Oh, well, I better go, y'all.
A white woman screaming anywhere in my vicinity never turns out well.
This is a disaster.
I've been at zero, but I've never had less than zero.
Oh, don't say that, Caroline.
I mean, you're forgetting about your dating options.
We have less than zero money and no way of paying off our bank loan.
Oh, my God.
It happened.
I'm working class.
Hey.
I've waited tables with you for four years and there's no way you could call what you do working.
Cupcakes! Buy cupcakes.
Buy cupcakes! Stop.
You look more desperate than Justin Bieber in that Calvin Klein ad.
You don't understand the seriousness of this bank situation.
You don't understand the rules of World Of Warcraft.
The loan just keeps escalating and escalating until they close us down.
Cupcakes! Buy cupcakes! Buy cupcakes! Buy cupcakes! Oh, Pay-dirt.
Look.
Here comes a big, fat frat house guy.
Hey, bitches.
Remember me? Big Mary.
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
John, we haven't seen you since pastry school.
Hey, for old times' sake, want to buy a cupcake? A dozen? The shop? So I came because I may know of a way for Max to make some extra money.
Whatever it is, she'll do it.
That was my yearbook quote.
I just got hired at a new restaurant that's opening under the High Line Park in Manhattan, and they are looking for another day pastry chef.
I only have a year of pastry school and I was stoned for, like, a year of that.
I don't know if I have the skills.
Oh, girl, you don't.
But the manager, Joe, wants only pretty people.
And what you lack in pastry, you more than make up for in pretty.
She'll do it.
You'll do it, Max.
And John will be there to help back you up with his pastry skills.
And 'cause I'm pretty.
I don't belong in a place like that.
It's called "The High.
" Sounds right.
Give me the deets.
Well, good night girls.
Sorry about your bank balance.
But I trust you'll both lapse into denial fairly soon, as always.
Hello.
Who was she? Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
Oh Han's not gay.
You forgot the "yet.
" Max, maybe button up a button or two.
It's a dessert bar.
Not a strip bar.
Hey, I need this job, and once this Joe guy takes one look at these puff pastries, he might cut me some slack when he sees my other "not so puff" pastries.
And you're comfortable with that? Yup.
Like I guess you're comfortable applying for a waitress job on just the merits of your waitress skills.
Should I keep going? Why? I'm here.
I'll take those applications.
Hurry, ladies.
If I was looking for pretty and slow, I'd hire Nick Jonas.
Max, let's get out of here.
She reminds me of this nightmare I'm going to have for the rest of my life.
Relax, she's just his guard dog.
It's Joe guy we have to impress.
No thank you.
No thank you.
And how dare you? Oh, I'm sorry, the restaurant doesn't open until tomorrow.
Actually, no.
Hi.
I'm here to apply for a waitress job.
At your age? I'm 27! And? Max, I can't breathe.
And I'm here to apply for a pastry chef.
Also 27, but I've looked this old since I was 6.
For a while, I thought I had that Benjamin Button's disease.
I'll take the pastry chef first.
Why don't you sit over there and wait.
I won't be long, because frankly, you don't have the time.
Thank you.
I'll be over there.
Applying for Social Security.
So where did you go to pastry school, and why aren't you working now? Manhattan School Of Pastry, and I am working.
I have my own cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Oh, it's almost over.
This interview? Great.
No.
Not the interview.
Brooklyn.
Brooklyn's almost over.
Also, cupcakes.
Cool.
I will tell them.
Wish I knew that before they all got their belly buttons pierced trying to stay cool.
Oh, great.
A sense of humor.
Customers love that.
I don't, but they do.
So, um, where's this Joe guy who's doing the hiring? There is no "Joe guy".
I'm Joe.
Spelled, J-O-E-D-T-H.
The D-T-H is silent.
As am I, because I want this job.
Well, I guess I can put these away then.
That was your plan? To expose your breasts and seduce your way into this job? You say that like it's a bad thing.
Okay.
Well, bye.
Sit, sit.
If you really can bake, this position might be perfect for you.
Also, you have that edgy, "I don't give a crap" attitude.
Customers love that.
I don't, but they do.
Actually, Joe, silent D-T-H, I can bake.
But how well? My girlfriend and I are obsessed with French pastry.
Oh.
Girlfriend as in "girlfriend," or as in two ladies of a certain age at a Cineplex splitting one thing of popcorn? Everything you just said offended me.
Yeah, that's my brand.
And the fact that you didn't cry about splitting a popcorn makes me think it's the first kind of girlfriend.
How are your macaroons? Uh oh.
Mm.
My macaroons? Great.
A little bit of French heaven.
What is your name? Max.
M-a-x.
Nothing is silent.
Ever.
So I gather.
Okay.
Why don't you go fill out an application, Max.
And you can put those away again.
I'm really not into big-breasted women.
Girl, you got this.
First day.
Are you nervous, girl? Please.
Nervous is telling your elderly Mormon parents that you're gay after your three older siblings already came out.
I have no idea what most of these desserts are.
I haven't felt this lost since the finale of Lost.
Max, can you see any of the Barney's price tags on these? Uh, I think there's one bunching up inside the back of your pants.
No, that's the underwear I'm also returning.
Here she comes.
Hi, ladies.
This is Naomi, the dessert bar hostess.
Go, Naomi, go.
Gorgeous, but as dumb as whoever is the hot new idiot right now.
Let me take a look at you.
Good-bye.
Already? Those pearls.
They have to go.
Really? It's just, well, I'm kind of emotionally attached to them.
Well, honey, I love my half-blind French bulldog, but I don't wear her around my neck.
Max, let me take a look.
Love it.
Fabulous.
Well done.
Hi, Joe.
Big day.
I'm so excited.
Why don't you be excited in the back, doll? I want Max up front now.
All my life, people have been telling me not to come out.
Why should here be any different? Ladies, I just got word that the New York Times food critic may make a surprise visit this afternoon.
Everything has to be perfect the service, the desserts, the precarious balance of my meds.
Nothing can go wrong.
Naomi.
Fetch.
"Welcome to The High".
"Hi.
Welcome to The High".
"Welcome to The High".
Stop saying high.
It reminds me I'm not.
Wait, Max, you're not high? Like, not high at all? No.
I didn't want to screw today up.
What the hell is wrong with you? You can't change who you are today.
The New York Times is coming.
How will you cope? I mean, when's the last time you weren't high? My birth.
But I was really drunk.
I had just had a bottle of wine.
Well, my mother had.
I have to go wait on those customers.
Do what you can to get with the program.
I mean, get off the program.
You can't bake not baked.
Big Mary? John? Why not try my new name? Quasimodo.
Do you have any weed? Do I have any weed? Let me check my hump.
Nope.
No weed.
Thanks, Rico.
I didn't want to ask due to the city-wide ban on racial profiling.
Wow.
This dish room is cleaner than Chris Christie's plate after lunch.
Max, I need two lavender macaroons.
- Where are they? - I'm working on them.
Well, good.
I'm so proud of you.
This is so Freaky Friday.
Here are the lavender macaroons.
See? Even just holding this, I'm better.
Now we just have to hope nothing goes wrong.
Surprise! We all came to support you.
Well, that's it.
The New York Times food critic may be in the same room as Han, Earl, Oleg, and Sophie.
We're dead.
Time of death, 11:30.
I believe it's more like 4:20.
Oh, Caroline, I love your new place.
It's so fresh and pretty.
It kind of looks like a douche commercial.
You're right, baby.
It looks exactly like a douche commercial.
Okay.
Can we stop saying "douche" in the fancy pastry shop? I agree.
Not appropriate.
Caroline, darling, slip my phone number to that fine Nubian princess.
And tell her not to be fooled by my bad hip.
I can still gently rock her world.
Okay, guys, what are you doing here and how quickly can you leave? Real nice.
After we came all this way to just order only desserts that Max knows how to make and to say nice things about you as a waitress.
Oh, you'd do that for me? Hell no, I can't pull that off.
If I could act, I'd sell the restaurant and get cast in two-line roles as the doctor on any network television show.
Sophie's the actress.
And trust me, she's got quite a repertoire.
In bed, I call her Meryl Sheets.
Do it, baby.
Oh, what a lovely place.
That's the accent she uses when we play "12 Years A Sex Slave.
" Lovely, be right back.
Oh, and, welcome to The High.
What's going on with that table? Is there a European circus in town? A circus? Well, I wouldn't know.
I really have no idea who they are.
That didn't require an answer.
It was just one of my dead-on observations.
Just get rid of them.
Tell them we've run out of funnel cakes.
Well, I'm feeling like my old self.
Joe just told me to lose Han, Earl, Oleg, and Sophie.
How am I supposed to lose that many people? I'm not air traffic control.
You are acting like they don't know how to act in a fancy place.
Girls, look! Oleg's wearing his napkin as a party hat.
Here's your dessert.
Bon appetite.
Max, I can't believe you just made that.
Neither can I.
And what did you say to Oleg and Sophie? It's been an hour, and I haven't seen any over-the-table penetration.
I just told them to be on their best behavior, and they're fine with it.
Excuse me, Max.
Yes, hi.
May I go tinkle? Or is that against the law here at Guantanamo Dessert Bay? I'm gonna go have sex in the ladies room.
Unless you two prudes have a problem with that, too.
Excuse me.
Can I get a latte and a red wine? 'Cause I got a Vicodin stuck in my throat.
Oh, my God.
Who could be that messed up in the middle of the afternoon? Uh, my new best friend.
I better get rid of her before Joe or that Times critic walks in.
You keep doing good things by accident.
Hi, can I get a You sure can.
Anywhere but here.
Oh, no.
Spinning's not good for me right now.
What is she doing here? Leaving.
You never saw her.
- Wait - Joe, I got this.
My bestie at school was totally hooked on prescription pills for, like, a week.
Hey, hi, you.
Excuse me.
Where is Max? She's in the back for a sec.
So We meet again.
Sir, do you need something in the back? Yes, Caroline said she'd bring me a napkin, but I could get Time Warner on the phone faster than that.
Just ask Max.
She covers for Caroline all the time at the diner.
Max? Ooh.
Drama at The High.
Han, that's my new boss.
Stop talking.
Also, stop collecting stickers.
You're a grown-up.
Okay, I threw that drug addict out.
That drug addict is my girlfriend.
More drama at The High.
And Caroline, we have a problem.
You called Allie a drug addict.
Oh, is that her name? Allie? So cute.
Even lovelier.
And according to that very small man, you're also a terrible waitress.
But I had no idea you two were together.
I would have thought a powerful Stop.
Now.
Joe, look, we really need these jobs.
We made a bad decision with our bakery business, and we have a big bank loan that we can't pay.
Honesty.
Good.
People respond to honesty.
I don't, but they do.
Max, you have potential here.
Caroline, you're fired as a waitress.
Are you sure? Stop! There's nothing in there to save you.
Well, if she's fired, I'm fired, too.
Oh, relax, Norma Rae.
She's fired as a waitress, but she's hired as a hostess.
I am? Why? Because you're pretty, you flashed a boob, and you took more control of Allie in five minutes than anybody's been able to do in her three rehab stints.
And that, lady, is a New York City hostess.
Well, girls, I struck out.
Bill Cosby has ruined it for all black men over 70 who are just trying to buy a gal a drink.
Max, how do you like that? I'm the hostess.
I got a promotion! I don't think a hostess is a promo It is, Max, 'cause with a less-than-zero bank balance, it has to be.
It's all I have left.