All In The Family s04e16 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hey, uh, how about Paper Moon? Nah.
Then what about American Graffiti? Nah.
Gloria, you've turned down over 50 movies.
If you don't want to go, just say so.
I'll understand.
I don't wanna go.
I don't understand you, Gloria.
I feel like doing something tonight.
Oh, okay, then let me show you a new dance I learned.
Ooh, you're gonna love it.
It's called the elevator dance.
The elevator dance? Yeah, no steps.
Gloria, take it easy, will you? What's the matter? Y-y-you're hugging me so tight.
That's because I like being close to you.
Close to me? You're among me.
Gloria, do you think this is too dressy for Amelia's party? Ma, you've had that dress for four years and every time you put it on, you ask me that same question.
Well, I paid $28.
50 for it, and I don't want them to think I'm showing off.
It's fine, Ma.
Oh, is Amelia cooking another one of her fancy dinners tonight for you and Daddy? Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be a seven-course, round-the-world gourmet dinner.
Where's Archie? In the kitchen, making himself a sandwich.
Oh, no! Archie! Archie.
Oh, don't eat that! I'm eating it.
Archie, please, if you don't hurry, we'll be late.
Oh, no.
We're going to see your relatives.
We go to see your relatives, no matter what time we get there, it'll be too soon.
Come on! We got a long ride on the subway to the beach.
Oh, don't tell me.
Why would dumbbells like that live at the beach in the wintertime? Maybe it's because Russ is a plumber, and he likes to hear the sound of water running.
Well, when you see Russ, be sure and shake your head, huh? So he can hear the water on your brain.
No, really, we can't.
But thanks for asking.
Oh, have a good time.
Yeah, bye, David.
Uh, what was all that about? Oh, that was just David inviting us to a party he's having tonight.
You turned him down? Why didn't you ask me? Why? You wanna go? Well, Gloria, I said I felt like doing something tonight.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
It's just, well, the folks are gonna be out tonight, and I sort of took it for granted you'd wanna stay home with me.
Yeah, well, lately you've been taking a lot of things for granted.
Oh, Michael, don't be like that.
Come on! Yeah, all right.
Oh, look at this! He's got her on his lap already.
He'll be turning our home into a massage parlor.
Archie, is that all you think we do when you're out of the house? Oh, no.
I think you do it sometimes when I'm in the house.
EDITH: Archie, we better go.
Yeah, all right.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Archie, for your information, what Gloria and I do behind closed doors is none of your business.
There's no reason for you to snigger.
What was that I heard from you, you big pinko liberal? Don't you know that the delicate word for that is "Snegro"? Bye, Ma.
Have a good time.
EDITH: Bye! Whoop-dee-doo, they're gone.
I was showing you the elevator dance.
Elevator going up! Hey, hey, Gloria! Take it easy.
My back, my back.
Ow, ow, ow.
Michael, you used to love it when I did this.
I-I-I still do.
It's just I wasn't set for it.
I know what it is.
It's David's party.
You're mad I turned it down without asking you first.
Is that it? Well, our marriage is an equal partnership, fifty-fifty, right? I'll call David back.
No, no, no.
That's all right.
You don't have to.
I made my point.
You understand that you were wrong, and I understand that you were wrong.
See, that's the beauty of our relationship.
We both have an open mind.
Now, uh, what'll it be tonight, watch a little television, huh? No, honey, we don't need television.
Let's talk.
All right, talk.
What do you want to talk about? You said I have an open mind.
Is that what first attracted you to me, my mind? No, as a matter of fact, it was your pockets.
What? The first time I saw you, you were wearing those tight jeans with the cute little pink pockets in the back.
Those were the best walking-away pants I ever saw.
I fell in love with the way those cute little pink pockets walked away.
Yeah? Yeah? Then when you turned around, I fell in love with the rest of you.
Oh, Michael.
When you started to speak, you almost ruined the whole thing.
I'm kidding.
Kidding.
Kidding.
Gloria, I knew the first time I saw you that underneath that Little Orphan Annie hairdo you used to wear there lurked a mind.
And I knew that underneath all that hair and the mustache and that beard you used to wear, there lurked a face, a beautiful face, which I'm taking with me.
Uh, where? Where are you going? Upstairs.
We were having such a nice conversation.
Why do you want to end it? Who's ending it? We'll talk on the way.
I forgot what I was talking about.
You broke my concentration.
I lost my whole trend of thought.
You wanna play checkers? Checkers? Won't that break your trend of thought? No, no, no.
See, I play much better when I think.
I think and I play better.
You just sit over there, I'll get the checkers.
I don't want to play checkers.
All right, forget checkers.
You don't want to play checkers? You're the one who wants to stay home.
What do you wanna do? Quit kidding around, Gloria.
Who's kidding? We'll watch television.
No, honey, come on.
Let's make our own fun.
Another bride Another June Another sunny honeymoon Another season Another reason For makin' whoopee A lot of shoes A lot of rice The groom is nervous He answers twice It's really killing That he's so willing To make whoopee Now do you wanna go upstairs? No.
Michael, what's the matter? Nothing the matter.
I just don't feel like going upstairs.
You haven't felt like going upstairs for the last four weeks.
I don't understand.
Is something wrong? Gloria, there's nothing wrong.
I just-- I've had a lot of important things on my mind.
Like what? Well, like, uh, for instance, uh the energy crisis.
Oh! Well, then I get it.
It's not that you're being indifferent to me, you're just being patriotic.
What are you talking about? You're conserving energy.
Look, Gloria, you don't understand.
You bet I don't understand.
You've been acting really strange tonight.
I used to run and jump and throw my legs around you, and you loved it.
Tonight it was, "Look out for my back.
" You always used to wait for me.
You never jumped until I said, "Ready, set, go.
" Oh! So that's what was missing, "Ready, set, go.
" I can't jump until you speak.
What are you, my trainer? No! I'm your husband and you're my wife.
And to be perfectly honest with you, Gloria, lately you have been coming on a little bit too strong.
Oh, so now it's all coming out! Well, go ahead, Michael! Get it all off your chest.
All right, you asked for it.
You're gonna get it.
For the last-- I don't know how long.
You say it's four weeks? All right, four weeks.
I think it's longer.
But we are hardly in bed with the lights off andthere you are.
What is wrong with that? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I'm not in the mood? How am I supposed to know whether or not you're in the mood? You'll know when I make the advances.
That's how you'll know! I don't believe that's you talking! Believe it, Gloria, because lately, I don't know who the man is around here.
What? And I'm gonna tell you something else.
For the last four weeks-- And I think it's longer.
Some of those times, I didn't really have a headache.
Then why didn't you just tell me the truth instead of making up such a cheap excuse? Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Well, what do you think you're doing right now? Michael, honey, don't you understand? If two people really love each other, what's the difference who makes the first move? A big difference! The man doesn't like to be chased.
It's more natural for him to be the pursuer.
Hold it! Hold everything.
Didn't you just say we had an equal partnership, fifty-fifty? Yeah.
Yeah.
Everything is fifty-fifty.
But I'm the fifty that should be heard from first! That is typical male-superiority garbage! Hey, hey, Gloria! No, no! If we are equal, we are equal partners everywhere, and that includes the bedroom.
Don't you see that goes against nature? I mean, take the animal kingdom.
The male is always in charge.
Oh, yeah? Did you ever hear of a king bee? What? It's the female who runs the hive.
That is strictly for breeding purposes.
Okay, then what about the black widow spider? She does all the chasing.
She decides on the mating.
Yeah, and when she's finished with her husband, she kills him.
You see what happens when a woman takes charge? Gloria, that is the whole point of our civilization.
Look how far we've come from the spiders! I don't believe it.
We got the whole house to ourselves, and we're talking about spiders! Gloria, look, all I'm trying to say-- All I'm trying to say is that a man's sex drives are different! Oh, don't tell me about your drives, Michael.
Mine are just as strong as yours.
And if it gives me pleasure once in a while to be the pursuer, the least you can do is deliver.
Wait just a second here.
Wait just a second! I have not finished.
Now, you call yourself progressive.
But when it comes to women, you're still working on the old double standard.
If a man comes on strong, he's a great lover, a Casanova, but if it's a woman, she's a nymphomaniac.
Look, Gloria A good marriage is based on give and take.
Take tonight, for example.
You didn't want to go to the movies.
I didn't force you to go to the movies.
Now, I should get that same consideration.
If I have certain preferences-- Hang-ups.
If I have certain preferences-- Hang-ups.
Preferences.
Hang-ups.
Preferences! Preferences! Hang-ups! Hang-ups! That's it! That's it! I can't talk to you anymore! I can't talk to you because you're hysterical! Michael, look who's calling who hysterical.
You're a wild woman, Gloria! You're a wild woman! I'll give you a chance to calm down and cool off! I'm going for a walk! That's all right, Michael.
Don't bother! I'll go out for the walk.
No, no, you're not going anywhere.
I said I was going.
I'm going.
Don't tell me what to do! If I wanna go for a walk, I'll go! You're not going anywhere, Gloria.
It was my idea, I'm going first! Oh, Michael! Honey! What's the matter? [SCREAMS.]
Spider! Spider woman! MIKE: Gloria? Gloria? I wanna talk to you! Is anybody home? Gloria-- [DOOR OPENS & SLAMS.]
Gloria? Excuse me.
Oh, did you want to talk to me? No.
Did you want to talk to me? No.
I thought you wanted to talk to me.
Where'd you get that idea? You don't wanna talk? No.
Fine.
The talk is over.
Gloria, where the hell have you been? Out.
I know, "out.
" Where, "out"? Just out.
It is after midnight.
You've been gone for over five hours.
That's not "just out," that's way out.
Now, I wanna know where you've been.
It's personal, it's private, and I don't wanna talk about it.
All right, fine.
You don't wanna talk about it? That's fine with me.
I'm going to show you that I'm a bigger person than you, Gloria.
I'm going to tell you where I've been.
I'm going to tell you everything that happened to me tonight.
I'm going to open up completely to you.
Okay, but let me get another glass of milk first.
Gloria! I just told you I was going to open up completely! All you can think about is another glass of milk? I can listen and drink at the same time.
Go ahead.
No, no, no, no.
You finish what you're doing first.
I want your complete attention.
You've got my attention.
Thank you.
I want to tell you that I had a very unusual experience tonight, Gloria.
Very unusual.
I went to David's party.
Yeah, and you probably-- Gloria! I was just talking to you in there.
I heard everything you said.
You had a very unusual experience tonight.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Well, I went to David's party tonight.
I was feeling very depressed about you walking out on me.
There were a lot of people there, all having a good time.
I sat all by myself in a corner, just staring off into space.
And then suddenly I heard this soft voice, saying, "Would you care for a drink?" I looked up.
And there, standing in front of me, was a beautiful girl.
I don't mean cutie-pie beautiful.
I mean beautiful.
She had black hair.
It was parted right down the middle and pulled straight back.
She looked just like a ballerina.
With a name to go with it.
Felicia.
How's that for a name, huh? Felicia.
It's a beautiful name.
You betcha.
Beautiful.
Felicia! Yeah.
Well, naturally, I did the polite thing.
I asked her to sit down.
You know what she did? She sat down.
That's exactly what she did.
But do you know how she sat down? Right on the floor at my feet.
Dogs do that a lot too.
All right, Gloria.
You make fun if you want.
But I'm telling you that it was beautiful.
I don't know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us.
Oh, I can explain it.
You talked and she listened.
I knew this was going to be rough on you.
I'm about to tell you, though, there's more to this story.
I took her home.
Uh, uh! Just let me finish the story, please.
Don't interrupt.
I took her to her place, stood out there on the sidewalk.
It was a beautiful moment, Gloria.
Just the two of us, looking into each other's eyes.
And she waited, without asking-- You hear me? You hear me? Without asking, she waited for me to make the decision.
So I took her in my arms and I kissed her.
I want to tell you something, Gloria.
No, I want to tell you something.
You just let me finish here! I want to tell you that for the first time in four weeks-- And I think it's longer.
I enjoyed a true man-woman relationship.
Well, I am glad.
Because it makes it a lot easier for me to tell you that I met someone tonight too.
Huh? Someone I was very attracted to.
Huh? When I left the house tonight, I walked for a long time, and I got really cold.
So I stopped for a cup of coffee.
I was very angry and upset, and I wasn't paying any attention to what I was doing.
And I spilled my coffee all over my lap.
Yeah, well, forget the coffee.
What about the man? Well, he was sitting right next to me at the counter.
And when I spilled my coffee, he took out his handkerchief and dipped it in a glass of water and started to clean the stain off my lap.
Off your lap? Yeah, and then he bought me another cup of coffee, and we sat in a booth, and we talked.
You moved to a booth? Yeah.
With a complete stranger, you moved to a booth? That's just it, Michael.
It wasn't like he was a stranger.
He was such a good listener.
He had an instinctive understanding of women.
He was very intelligent.
You know what he said about us? What? Well, he said that most men are rather vain about their masculinity, and that my husband might be feeling threatened-- Forget that, forget that! I don't care what he said.
No, I think it's important that I tell you everything that happened.
There's more? Yes.
When we left the coffee shop, he insisted on walking me to the bus stop.
We stood on the corner saying goodbye.
And he made a pass at you.
No, it wasn't like that at all.
No, it was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced.
He stood there waiting, a real man, secure in his own masculinity, aware of what my needs might be, and perfectly willing to let me make the first move.
And you know what I did? You made the first move.
You bet I did.
You made the first move! I threw my arms around him and kissed him.
You-- You kissed a perfect stranger on a street corner? No, right on the lips.
You kissed him on the lips?! Michael, it wasn't because I loved him-- No, no, no, no! You kissed him on the lips.
You kissed him on the lips.
Michael Stivic! I listened to your story.
Yeah, but that's just it, Gloria.
That's just what mine was, a story.
It didn't really happen.
I didn't go to David's party tonight.
You wanna know the truth, where I really went? You wanna know what really happened while you were standing on a street corner throwing yourself at some strange man's lips? I was sitting all alone in a lousy, crummy neighborhood movie theater watching a rotten double feature.
You might have enjoyed it if you'd stayed in your seat.
Five trips to the candy counter.
How do you know how many trips I made to the candy counter? Because I was in that crummy theater, sitting four rows behind you, munch-mouth.
Then that whole story about the man with the coffee stain, the kiss on the lips, you made that up? That's right, Michael, just like you made up your story about your girlfriend, Felicia.
It's a beautiful name.
Michel, I made up that story to show you that if I'm attracted to you, what's wrong with me letting you know that? Honey.
If two people really love each other, it doesn't matter who starts things as long as they get started, and as long as we end up together.
Doesn't that make sense? Yeah.
Good.
Oh, Michael, mustard.
Oh.
It was delicious.
Gloria, if you still wanna play ready, set, go, I'm I'm willing.
Whoop-dee-doo.
Ready, set-- Hold it, hold it, hold it, Michael.
Fifty-fifty.
You're right, you're right.
You go first.
Ready.
Set.
BOTH: Go! What did I tell you, huh? They've been at it since we left.
MICHAEL: Ready.
GLORIA: Set.
BOTH: Go! Did you hear that? They're calling signals now.
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.