Becker s04e16 Episode Script

1 Jake, there are two guys Sitting in the booth, having breakfast, Staring out the window.
So? So they've been here for hours.
I'm thinking they're here to rob the place.
Of what? Hey, for all you know, There could be a lot of valuable stuff in here That you can't see.
Is there? Leave me alone.
Mm-hmm.
Hello, officers.
So, what are the cops doing here? How do you know they're cops? Cheap shoes, Cheap suits, and one of 'em's got a .
38 in his sock.
Oh, my god, I hope they're cops.
Excuse me.
Um, are you two gentlemen police officers? As a matter of fact, we are.
See, what'd I tell you? Oh, I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that.
You know, 'cause I was starting to freak out.
No one ever stays in here this long.
Actually, we're on a stakeout.
We're here to watch the guy who works across the street.
Oh, thank god, 'cause I thought You might be here to rob the place.
Of what? (laughing) Oh, you're so funny.
If more people knew how funny you cops were, They wouldn't be so afraid of you.
Not that people are afraid of you.
It's just that when you hear the word "cop," You start to think, "oh, my god, what have I done?" Not that I've done anything.
It's just that Ma'am.
I'll go now.
You know, I always wanted to be a cop.
The heroism, the helping people, the respect.
Then I found out what you guys get paid.
Like I'm gonna put my life on the line For 30 grand a year.
You're doing it now for free.
You know that broken meter out front where I always park? John, I don't think you want to Interrupt me? No, you don't.
The damn city decided to fix it.
You know, I wish the stupid cops would harass actual criminals Instead of innocent people who park illegally.
I'm gonna smash that Uh, becker.
Hey, I'm talking here, bob.
Do you still have That baseball bat behind the counter? No, wait, wait, wait, I probably shouldn't do that again.
Just give me a paper bag, please.
Uh, becker, I really don't No, no, no, reg, let the man finish.
Yeah, let the man finish.
Just give me a paper bag, will you, So I can write "out of order" and stick it on the meter? Thank you.
All right, now, what is it you want to tell me? Those two guys are cops.
Oh, boy, I tell you, without my medication I have no idea what I'm saying.
What I meant was, Do you have change for the meter? Thanks a lot.
Great friends.
I'm a doctor, I'll be fine.
You know, linda, I don't ask you to do a lot around here.
And don't think I don't appreciate it.
But what I do ask is that We always have a fresh pot of coffee, You know, and you promised me you'd take care of that.
When you make a promise, you should live up to it.
I am so glad to hear you say that.
Thank you.
Because you promised me that you'd decide What you're going to do for this month's community service.
Oh, god.
Oh, come on, john.
You're the one who says It's important that we help out in the neighborhood.
I say a lot of things, margaret.
Don't I know it.
Now, you have to pick something.
Bloodmobile at the mall, lice check at the kindergarten, Prostate screening at the senior center Oh, great, yeah, blood, bugs, and butts.
What a choice.
Uh, how about this? Nutrition lecture for school kids.
Uh, I don't know about that.
Oh, come on, it's not like You're going to have to actually watch them eat.
All right, all right, all right, I'll do that.
Yeah, I'll go talk to the little nose-diggers About the food pyramid.
Linda: You can't just talk to 'em.
You got to spice it up a little.
You know, posters, props, visual aids.
Yeah, good idea-- you'll be in charge of that And you're coming with me.
What? Yeah, I bet you're wishing You'd made the coffee now, aren't you, huh? Margaret: It's a good thing you picked the school Because the only thing left Was to go to the prison and teach cpr again.
Well, I-I'd do that, but I never got the doll back.
You know, seeing you two guys in here Has made bob think about a career move.
Maybe you can help me out.
So you want help getting into the police academy? No, I want to be a snitch.
I'm telling you, now, that's the job Bob was born to do.
I'm on the streets, I hear things.
I can come and go without being seen.
I'm like a silverfish.
In fact, that can be my code name.
Or you could call him cockroach.
That's what we call him.
You see? That's how good I am.
I knew that.
Sir, you're annoying my partner.
How can you tell? I think it would be better if you just left.
If you want to do something to him, I promise I'll look the other way.
Look, can I ask one more question? No! All right, we'll talk later.
I'm sorry about bob.
Some people don't respect personal space.
Yeah, well, what are you? You know, the last time we spoke I might have seemed jumpy, Nervous, ill at ease.
And to suspicious people like you, I might have looked like I was guilty of something.
B-believe me, I'm not guilty of anything.
I don't care what anyone says.
Your partner's staring at me, isn't he? Yeah, you better go.
Okay, we'll talk later.
You'll have to excuse her.
Sometimes she's a little slow on the uptake.
(in deep voice): How you doing, jake? Hey, lenny, how are things down at the factory? You know, busting my hump till they give me the gold watch.
Oh, I hear you, I hear you.
Let me get some rolaids.
Ulcer's acting up.
And I'll take a playboy, a penthouse, and a hustler.
What is this, self-service? Where's reg? I'm starved.
Lenny, this is the doctor I was talking to you about.
Maybe he can look at your ulcer.
Hey, listen, maybe another time.
If I get home late, my wife will rip me a new one.
Dr.
Becker, are you ready? No, my assistant isn't here yet with the visual aids.
If we could just wait a minute Oh, I don't think so.
Don't get me wrong-- I love kids, But if I don't have a cigarette every hour, I love them a lot less.
Class, we have a treat today.
Dr.
Becker is here to talk to us about nutrition, So I expect you all to behave.
I have a very important faculty meeting.
Well, I'm, uh, I'm dr.
Becker.
So Nutrition.
Well, we all know that the body converts Food into energy, right? Y-you all do know what energy is, don't you? No.
All right, um Well, uh, think of the body as a car.
That looks like a hat with eyes.
Yeah, well, it's a, a car An-and food is the fuel that makes it go, You know, like fruits an-and vegetables.
My dad says our neighbor's a fruit.
My mom says my grandma's a vegetable.
Well, that's not very nice.
Uh, where was I? Oh, right.
Uh, right, so we want the best fuel in our car, So we're not going to put potato chips in it, are we? There's a potato chip car? No, no, no, tha-that-that's just a metaphor.
What's a metaphor? A metaphor is what you say When you don't want to say the real thing.
Why don't you want to say the real thing? Because this makes it easier to understand.
I don't understand.
We don't have a potato chip car.
We have a mazda, But there are potato chips in the backseat.
Yeah, good, good for you, kid.
Oh, thank god.
Where the hell have you? I mean, hello, linda.
Where have you been? Sorry, I took an unexpected nap.
I think I used the wrong kind of glue for the board.
Who's she? Oh, well, this is my assistant linda.
Are you going to saw her in half? No, no, di-different kind of assistant.
Excuse me.
Yes.
What are the carrots and the donuts for? Ah, good question-- what are the carrots and donuts for? It's to show the difference Between healthy and unhealthy snacks.
Right, right, right.
So, when you kids come home from school, You want to eat this And not this.
I have a question.
Linda, do you want to take? Yes, what is your question? I forgot.
Why are you eating the donut if the carrot's healthier? I got this one.
Good question.
When you're growing And working your way up the pyramid, It's important to watch what you eat.
But when you're older and careening down the other side, You can be a little bit more relaxed about the snacks.
Dr.
Becker? Yes.
What's sex? (all giggling) No, w-we're not, We're not talking about that, you know? W-we're talking about Uh What's intercourse? I-intercourse? Uh No, all right, well, you know, I know, I, I-I can do that.
Um, all right, you know, Sometimes between a salad and your entrée, You want something else, li-like soup.
Get it, you know, inter-course? B-b-between When do people start having sex? Usually not before the third date.
Linda.
My sister says you can't get pregnant The first time you have sex.
Yeah, well, your sister's an idiot.
That's what my dad says.
My brother says it's okay to have sex If you have a balloon.
It-it's not called a balloon, it's a Look, c-c-can't we just please talk about nutrition? When two people "do it," what do they do? I heard, if you kiss a boy, you get a baby.
No, that-that's, that's not really true.
I heard that if you have sex and you're not married, You go to hell.
Where are you kids getting this stuff? You don't go to hell if you have sex.
It's not a balloon.
It's called a condom, all right? You're not going to get a baby just from kissing, But you, you can get one The first time you have sex, so Wha-- yes.
Do oranges have more vitamin c Than other fruits? We're talking about sex now.
Get on board.
Who else? Yes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
What did you do? I don't know.
John, the phone's been ringing off the hook.
What possessed you to give a sex talk To a group of little kids? Hey, there was a lot of stuff they didn't know.
Of course they didn't know it-- They're eight years old.
They still have "left" and "right" Written on their shoes.
Since when are you against sex education? I'm not against it-- I just think You should have gotten the parents' permission.
Hey, you know, those kids ambushed me.
They made me tell them that stuff.
Oh, did they take your lunch money, too? John, you went to that school to talk about condiments And those kids went home asking about condoms.
What more was there to ask? I told them everything.
If you didn't want this to happen, You shouldn't have sent me over there.
Uh-uh, don't you blame this on me.
I am not the one Who gave a sex talk to kids Using a carrot and a donut.
Hey, you know, this was not my fault.
You know, she brought that stuff, not me.
Hey, if I'd have known what the topic was going to be, I would have brought different props.
(chuckling): Yeah.
Well, The principal is very upset.
Oh, now I'm in trouble with the principal.
Yeah, does he have detention in her office? You both do.
The parents want to talk to you today after school.
Oh, come on, that's not fair.
Look, you know, I'm not feeling that good.
Can't you write a note and get me out of it? Oh, sure.
To whom it may concern: John becker is an idiot.
He never thinks before he speaks.
Yeah, that's good.
Type that up and send that over.
So, uh, officers (chuckles) Well, it's come to my attention that I may have sold Some questionable magazines to an underage kid.
Now, obviously, there's no way I could have known that And I swear I won't do it again.
Although he was a really good customer.
Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is That, uh, well, you guys are doing a really great job, And here are a couple of candy bars on the house.
That's all right, sir, it was an honest mistake.
There's a lotto ticket on the bottom of this candy bar.
Is this a bribe? Well, if you don't want it to be a bribe, then it isn't.
Although, if you would like it to be a bribe And it's not good enough, well, you know, Maybe I could do a little bit better.
The first one.
Okay, so I guess you want me to Go away.
Okay.
So, okay, you win, you broke me.
Let's end this little chess game.
Here it is.
One tube Of vixen red lipstick I stole From woolworth's when I was 12 years old.
I felt so guilty, I put it in a drawer And I haven't taken it out since.
But if it makes you happy, you can have it.
Ma'am, it's not I know-- it's not my shade, But my hair was lighter then.
Okay, I've been out on the street and I think I got some information you're going to want.
There's a guy a couple blocks over selling pirate videos.
What'll you give me for that? Nothing.
You do understand That these are not videos of pirates? This guy's selling We already know about him.
Okay, what if I told you I knew a guy who's selling knockoff handbags on the corner? I'd tell you to get one for my wife.
Come on, all I got left is a couple of jaywalkers, A woman who didn't clean up after her dog, And a guy who's reproducing major league baseball games Without the expressed written consent Of major league baseball.
Would you shut up?! Well, now you've done it.
I've had it with you freaks.
We're cops.
We're not your shrinks.
We're not your judges.
We're not your priests.
Officer, excuse me.
I'm talking here.
We don't give a rat's ass about your miserable lives.
In fact, I've got a good mind to arrest all of you.
You for selling porn to a minor, You for committing the lamest crime that I ever heard of, And you-- well, I don't know That you did anything wrong, but it seems to me That getting you off the streets would be a public service.
Excuse me, can I? I said, shut up.
By the way, I know who you are.
My nephew was in that class, and until yesterday He didn't even know that he had a penis.
Are you through? Yes, what? There's a tattooed guy with scraggly hair out there Loading tvs into the back of a truck.
That's our guy.
Why didn't you say something? I think we all learned something very important here.
Nothing good ever comes from telling me to shut up.
(indistinct chatter) Ladies and gentlemen Ladies and gentlemen, This is dr.
John becker.
He's the one you're angry with.
He's the one responsible for all your problems.
Thank you for the lovely introduction.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not staying? I'd love to, but I have a very important faculty meeting.
Okay, uh I'm dr.
Becker.
This is linda, my assistant.
What seems to be the problem? Your filthy mouth! Woman: What the hell Gave you the right to talk to our kids about sex? Yeah, I don't want my kid hearing About sex before he's ready.
Based on the question your kid asked, Believe me, he's ready.
Did you really tell my kid that sex is pleasurable? Isn't it? Not really.
My wife.
Man: My brother-in-law is a lawyer And he says I can sue you, pal.
For what, saying the word "penis"? You are not helping yourself, mister.
Why did you have to use the real words? Now my daughter won't stop talking about the man's You know, wiener, and the woman's Cookie.
Are you for real? How is your kid going to learn anything If you can't even talk about it? They're too young to learn anything.
We're the ones to teach our kids about sex.
Hey, do you have any kids? No, I don't.
Then you have no right to say anything.
We'll talk to our daughter about sex when we're good and ready.
Yeah, and when is that going to be-- when she's, like, 15 And she's coming to tell you she's pregnant? You can't talk to me like that.
You know what pisses me off about you people? I don't think you even listen to your kids.
I could not believe the words coming out Of their mouths, but I couldn't ignore it.
You want to pretend this isn't happening? You want to remain ignorant You cannot talk to us like that! Hey, don't get mad at me for doing your job.
Our job? Yeah, your job.
You should've heard your kid.
(all shouting) (whistles) (shouting stops) Can I say something? Look, I work for dr.
Becker And I can tell you-- he's cranky, He's short-tempered, And frankly I don't think he even likes kids that much.
(murmuring) Linda, I don't think this is rea I was here yesterday And he did not bring up the topic of sex-- The kids did-- but once it was out in the open, What did you want him to do, lie? Listen, your kids Can't help wondering about sex.
I mean, it's everywhere you look.
If you ask me, you're lucky they had dr.
Becker to talk to.
When I was young, we didn't know anything.
I mean, half the girls in my high school Didn't even graduate.
Because they got pregnant? No, because they were stupid.
And those were the people that I learned about sex from.
I mean, I tried to ask my mom, but Well, she drank a lot, so maybe she thought she did tell me.
Anyways, You might think that your kids Are too young for all this stuff, But believe me, they're just one britney spears video away From a whole new world.
Now, are there any questions? I-I've got a question.
Yes? I-I forgot.
Are we done here? Good.
Then I only have one thing to say.
Penis.
Deal with it.
Why are you drawing a hat with eyes? I-I-it's not a hat, it's a car.
Never mind.
I-I want to say something to you.
Yeah? I know I get mad at you a lot.
You know, think about it: You come late, you leave early, You watch tv in the storeroom when you should be working.
Hey, in my defense Go on.
Well, what I, what I'm trying to say is, Ma-maybe sometimes I overlook the, the good things you do.
I mean, what What you said earlier-- That Really helped me out.
Are you trying to say thank you? Yes.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
You know, I've often thought That you and I are a lot alike.
Oh, oh, yeah, how? Well, we both love chinese food.
True.
We're both scared of margaret.
True.
We were both upset when phyllis dumped jack On young and the restless.
Yeah, I still can't get over that.
And we both admire you.
Really? Well, at least I do.
Wow, that's That's very nice.
Thank you, linda.
Maybe we should, uh, get out of here, huh? Okay.
Can I give you a ride or anything? Sure, thanks.
Don't you just hate that phyllis? Oh, she's such a slut.
Like a baby's going to make her happy.
A baby? Wait, I didn't hear anything about a baby.