Black-ish (2014) s04e16 Episode Script

1 DRE: Birthdays.
They're more than just the one day people in bad marriages get to have sex or an excuse to reach out to an ex on Facebook.
They're how we measure milestones.
But if you're black in America, each birthday is a much bigger deal.
Black men live a full 7 years less than the national average.
7 years.
That's like missing the entire run of "Designing Women" or six Bulls championships and the one time the Cavs got lucky.
Stress, hypertension, heart disease, rap beefs.
It takes an exceptional black man to make it all the way to 65 or this one.
- [CORK POPS.]
- ALL: Oh! That's right! It's my birthday.
[LAUGHS.]
No one's gonna ask where Pops got this sword from? Uh, no.
You better not.
Everybody, drink up, because we are celebrating.
- Yes.
- Thank you, Pops.
No.
So now it's illegal to serve your teenage grandson champagne? I'm more of a Perrier with a splash of pink lemonade kind of guy anyway.
Oh, come on, Junior.
I beat the odds, son.
I made it to 65.
We talkin' about white retirement age.
Now, you know they set the age of Social Security at 65 so they wouldn't have to pay us, son.
You know that.
'Cause the white man did not want Earl Johnson to live this long.
- Neither did I.
- Okay.
For my birthday, you would always sleep in late and go to bed early so you didn't see me.
That's exactly what you do on my birthday.
- This isn't about me, son.
- No, it's about me.
Because I have done something that no other black man has ever done.
Live 'til you're 65? Yes.
Now, name one black man older than me.
I can't believe I'm drawing a blank.
There's There's gotta be at least one.
Okay - Nick Cannon! No.
N-No.
- No.
- Oh! DMX! No.
- Jaleel White.
- No, wait? Why is this so hard? - I don't know.
SMOKEY: Earl Johnson! - What the hell? - Who is that? Man! [POPS AND SMOKEY LAUGH.]
What's up, boy? Look at you, man! Hey, y'all.
This is my man Smokey.
Smokey, how the hell you get in my house, man? The doors were locked.
Oh, you just got a single-bolt retractable on there.
It's easy.
Ain't a house been built that Smokey can't get into.
Ain't that right? [LAUGHS.]
I think I hear the baby.
How do you guys know each other? You here for Pops' birthday? Okay, w-what's with all the questions? You You a cop? - What? - I'm 17.
That's still not a "No.
" Hey, he's cool, Smokey.
What you say we get out of here and go to the track? It's 8:30 in the morning.
I don't give a damn.
I just turned 65.
I never have to give a damn ever again! So, all this time, you've been giving a damn? - Come on, let's go, Smokey.
- All right.
Hey, really nice house you got here.
You want to stop casing the joint, man? I'm not doing nothing.
I'm just saying.
Just some Just some very nice things.
- Very nice.
- POPS: Smokey! You know, I'm realizing there's a lot I don't know about Pops.
I mean, what was his childhood like? Who are his friends? Why does he still own a pager? That's my question.
Maybe we should throw him a surprise party! Come on, Dad, don't you think it'd be fun to get a bunch of his old buddies together and walk down Memory Lane? No.
You know what you go ahead and throw him that party.
I'm gonna have nothing to do with it, because I learned dealing with Pops, you'll only get burned.
So keep my name out of it.
Uh, I will.
Except we have the same name, so you will see the words "Andre Johnson" on the e-vite.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING ON LAPTOP.]
- Rainbow.
I need to use your computer.
Taye Diggs started following me online, and you know Taye Diggs just doesn't follow anyone.
Um, let me just finish, and then it's all yours.
Well, what are you watching? Is it dumb? No, it's not dumb.
It is an interview with Shonda Rhimes about how she committed to a year of saying "Yes" to her children to get to know them better.
So, yes, it's dumb.
No.
No, Ruby, it's not.
Listen, when I was working, I created this habit of just reflexively saying "No" to the children.
Hey, Mom, do you want to play "Operation" with us? No.
I just operated.
And in my business, a red nose is a symptom of sepsis.
And then I watched this video, and I realized I'm not working anymore, and I'm still saying "No"! - Hey, Mom.
- Yeah? Do you want to play "Settlers of Catan" with us? Yes.
- You do? - Yes? Yes, I do! - All right.
Great.
- Okay.
See? My year of saying "Yes" has begun.
Okay, where are we on the Atlantis account? [LAUGHS.]
It's pronounced "Atlan-ta.
" No, it's Atlantis a beautiful resort in the Bahamas.
Now, what have you got? Well, it depends.
Is there a "Magic City" strip club in the Bahamas? There is not.
Then I may need more time.
Look, I told you, I'm not interested.
Please stop calling me! Telemarketer, huh? No my son.
He wants me to plan this birthday party for Pops, who's turning 65.
Your dad is turning 65? My God, he must be the oldest living black person.
Why don't you want to throw a party for your dad? Because my Pops doesn't deserve to be celebrated.
Lot of anger packed there.
It's gonna push into your prostate and turn into cancer.
I just don't believe in giving participation trophies, especially to a man who barely participated.
I thought you were cool with your father.
I mean, we cool now, but, you know growing up, we wasn't.
He He stole, he cheated, he gambled.
So what? My father stole, cheated, and gambled, but it was an honor to throw him a party.
Oh, that's right.
A weekend of transactional sex at the Belushi suite.
The second-best 50th birthday party I ever had.
Why are you being such a baby, Dre? Just grow up and help your father.
Look, it's a son's duty to honor thy father.
It says so right there in the Bible.
It's true.
Right there with not eating shellfish and not sitting next to a menstruating woman.
It sounds like I'm making this stuff up, but the Bible's weird.
I had to admit, the guys at work were right.
I needed to help Junior out.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- DRE: Put it away! I'm coming in! All right.
Let's plan Pops' party.
Together? That sounds amazing! I have so many ideas that I need to run by someone.
Okay.
Let's talk e-vites, themes, centerpieces.
This is not a bar mitzvah, boy.
And Pops' friends will not respond to e-vites.
Great.
So paperless posts, then.
[SIGHS.]
I can feel you giving me prostate cancer.
So, are we ready to plan Pops' surprise party? Yeah, but, baby, be quick about it.
I got to meet my part-time lover/ full-time financial advisor.
Yeah, and I noticed your neighbor had left their gate unlocked.
Ohh.
I can't believe I signed up for this.
Uh, maybe we should just get started.
It's Tuesday, which means Pops is either at Commerce Casino or waiting on line for "Ellen" tickets.
So, what do you need from us? I want to make this party a tribute to Pops, but I'm having a hard time getting his friends to come.
So, do you think you can make it? - MAN: What, this Saturday, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Hmm It might be hard for me to make that.
You're having a hard time getting his friends to come because they're all bums.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
What? No, no.
He's not talking about you.
Oh, I'm most definitely talking about you.
And Pookie and Ray Ray and Cool Breeze.
Pops has a friend named "Cool Breeze"? Every black man has a friend named "Cool Breeze.
" - I don't.
- Oh.
Sounds like you just got yourself a nickname - Cool Breeze.
- Ooh.
Ohh.
Wow.
I remember that car.
You must have plenty of great memories, huh? Just you and Pops.
One A&W Root Beer float, two straws.
Just a boy and his dad cruising up the coast, listening to the Beach Boys.
Okay, for the last time, I told you I am not doing that with you.
It's weird! And I could give a damn about that car.
He He loved that car more than he loved me.
It was always washed, on new tires He even gave the car a nickname "Black Beauty.
" Gave me a nickname, too.
[AS POPS.]
"Boy! Get away from my car.
" [RUBY LAUGHS.]
You can't blame him.
That '73 was special.
You have no idea what he had to do to get this car.
- [ENGINE REVS.]
- See, it was the 1970s.
Brothers had come back from Vietnam broke and strung out.
But Earl was riding 'round these streets looking like money! So, one day, Earl gets fired for stealing mattresses from his job.
Thing is, he didn't do it.
So Earl figures, "I'll show you racists what stealing is," [LAUGHING.]
and robbed the place blind.
Sold those mattresses on the street, made his car note.
He may have lost his job, but he was not about to lose Black Beauty.
He had that car all the way up 'til the moment he traded it for that boat.
I wonder what ever happened to that.
[CACKLING MANIACALLY.]
I don't know.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hmm? You want to paint with us? Yes.
That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel - Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
- Do you want to play pirates? - Yes.
Let her go, Rainbeard! Give me the treasure, or she dies! Never! [GRUNTS.]
DIANE: Save me, Devante! Save me! - Um, Mom? - Mm-hmm? Can we have a water fight? Yes! [LAUGHS.]
- Let's go.
- Oh, now?! Oh, no! Okay! Wait! [SCREAMING, LAUGHTER.]
- I got you! - That's my eye! - Ow! My eye! - Oh, sweetie! Are you okay? Sucker! Okay! Okay! You got me! Mommy's down! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! - You got me.
You got me.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, bags on the counter! And buh-boing, buh-bling! Mm, mm! Oh! Ooh! That was awesome.
You think everything is awesome.
Well, excuse me for finding a little bit of joy in Trump's America.
No, but that water fight was cool, Mom.
That water fight was everything .
But I now have to go upstairs and get changed for yoga.
Oh.
Um, can we go to yoga with you? Yeah, Rainbow.
Can they go? Well, guys yoga is usually Mommy time, so That doesn't sound like a "Yes" to me.
You know what? Um, yeah.
- Yes? - Yes? Yes.
I-I am excited to share the only real time I get with myself with you! - Great! - Yeah! - We'll go get ready.
- Oh, ready right now.
Mmmmmm-hmm.
This is gonna be a long year for you, Rainbow.
- Ruby.
- Hmm? Do you have anything better to do than to judge my life? Nope.
"Maury" doesn't come on 'til 4:00.
Okay.
Where Earl keep the good liquor, man? Uh, in the other room, in the cabinet.
But it's locked.
- It's locked? - Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
We'll see about that.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Break it open, baby.
- Yeah, I got it.
Oh.
Look at this photo.
I remember that Christmas.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
That was the year we had to stand in line downtown to get a free turkey because Pops lost all our Christmas money gambling.
Yeah, he did.
But that Negro knew how to roll some dice.
[MARVIN GAYE'S "TROUBLE MAN" PLAYS.]
He couldn't change diapers.
If snow fell, he wouldn't shovel it.
But that Earl could take his paycheck, go to the club, and double it.
But now I'm cool I didn't make it, sugar Men hid their wallets and guarded their honies, 'cause Earl's taking wives and everybody's money.
I come up hard, but that's okay - Ohh! - Yes! His dice were hitting so hard, these heifers' heads nearly exploded.
But Earl was rolling 7s all night - Come on! - because his dice were loaded.
Negro, let me see them di - [DICE CLATTER.]
- Uh-oh! Oh, hell no! [CROWD MURMURS.]
Roundhouse! Suckah! [GROANS, GRUNTS.]
Just when you thought he bit off more than he could chew, he beat back those Negroes with his ghetto kung fu.
All their barks weren't as bad as Earl's bite, 'cause those fools brought knives to a nunchuck fight! [MEN GRUNT.]
Earl beat everybody but forgot about Crystal.
Nice doing business with ya.
He knew kung fu, but she knew kung pistol.
Sorry, Daddy.
I need to take everything.
Damn.
I had no idea that's how Pops made his side money.
Hold on.
So, that was actually a true story? Oh, yeah.
'Least, that's what the police report said.
I didn't realize Pops was such a con man.
Fake IDs "Rocco Shabazz"? "Pinky Gonzales"? "Jesus Berkowitz"? I remember these.
It took us forever to get these just right.
They still didn't work.
He got arrested at the airport immediately.
Sure did.
Arrested? I feel like I don't even know this guy.
He stole mattresses, gambled, forged passports, roundhoused.
Is his name even "Pops"? Hey.
Settle down, Cool Breeze.
Yeah, I-I-I'm cool.
I'm I'm just out.
I'm not celebrating this guy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hold on, man.
So, you're saying you're not on Pops? Are you not hearing the same stories that I'm hearing? Put yourself in his shoes.
Think about it.
Pops tried to escape the racism of the Deep South and fell into the racism of Deep South Central.
Sam Yorty was mayor, Ronald Reagan was governor, and they ain't never seen a black man they didn't want to break in half.
Pops' generation was the last hired and first fired.
And remember, he didn't make a lot of money, so he had to stretch it as far as he could for his family especially around the holidays.
That's why he had his side hustles - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- to turn 1 dollar into 2.
Look, Pops wasn't perfect, but he was more than most.
I remember once, I had a friend over, and he asked who that man in the hallway was.
I said, "That's my dad.
" He had never seen a dad before.
I was one of only a couple of friends who even knew their dad.
Yeah, it's easy to judge Pops now because he survived long enough to be judged.
But the truth is, if I was in his place, I don't think I'd have done anything different.
Your grandfather made it to 65 despite everything working against him.
We need to celebrate that.
Guess I didn't think of it like that.
Yeah, I guess I hadn't, either.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Pops.
And maybe there's some old ideas about him that I don't need to hold on to anymore.
That boy does not know how to tell a story.
Yeah, you know a story sucks when it's about you and you still don't care.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Your birthday's got me thinking, and I feel like I get what you've gone through in your life better.
So I just want to say I forgive you.
I don't know what to say.
Don't worry about what to say, all right? Because my issues with you are my issues, all right? And I'm past them.
You were the man that you had to be, and I get that now.
No, I'm saying, "I don't know what the hell you talkin' about.
" What? I don't need your forgiveness, boy! I'm the oldest living black man.
Smokey! Put that down! Let's get back to the track.
You forgive me? Heh! Where's my sword?! You will never believe what my father did, Bow Bow? RAINBOW: [MUFFLED.]
Are you alone? - Is it just you? - What are you doing? I am not hiding from our children.
So what happened with Pops? I forgave him for being such a bad dad.
- Mm-hmm.
- And he clowned me.
What'd you think was gonna happen, Dre? Did you think he was gonna hug you and cry and invite you to go to all 30 of the major league ballparks with him? No.
We can't do all 30.
He's not allowed back in Canada.
[SIGHS.]
Bow, I forgave him.
That's a big deal.
Yeah, it is.
And you know what you got? You got a gift on your dad's birthday.
You forgave him, Dre.
And I get that he wasn't able to listen, but forgiveness is about healing what's inside you.
It's not about him.
Plus, you got to spend really good time with Junior.
Well everything has its price.
I'm serious you need to appreciate the relationship you have with your father.
He is here for you now, and he's a solid grandfather.
So forget who he was so that you can enjoy who he is now.
Okay? Okay.
[PATS LEG.]
[CLOSET DOOR OPENS.]
I just need 30 more minutes of quiet.
- Just 30.
- Okay, babe.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God.
- I got you.
- Just a little nap.
Hey.
Hey.
I love you.
I love you more.
Your mom's hiding in the closet! [SIGHS.]
- JACK: Hey, Mom.
- [GASPS.]
Mom? Why are you crawling around? I was looking for my contact.
Then I was looking for the back of my earring and then a Xanax which I'm gonna need [STRAINED.]
if you guys keep asking me "yes" or "no" questions.
Uh, what's going on? You know how I'm always trying to be like Shonda Rhimes? - BOTH: Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Well, like Shonda Rhimes, I've been saying "Yes" to everything that you guys ask because I just feel guilty that I'm not spending enough time having fun with you guys.
Mom! We have fun with you.
You have lots of fun with me? Fun period.
Please don't put words in my mouth.
Sorry.
Yes.
We have lots of fun with you.
Good, 'cause I love playing with you guys.
I just I just don't have enough energy.
[SIGHS.]
Good, 'cause we can use a break.
- Oh.
- These were just polite offers that we didn't expect you to take us up on.
Oh.
Okay.
I know I should've asked this earlier, but who's Shonda Rhimes? You have got to be kidding me.
DRE: So, I took Bow's advice to heart and decided to meet Pops where he was which, in this case, happened to be the track.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Oh.
Hey, Pops.
Hey.
What you doin' here? Well, it's your birthday, and I wanted to spend it with you.
No strings attached.
Plus I wanted to give you that.
- Money.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- My favorite, son! - Yeah, I knew you'd like it.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Happy Birthday, Pops.
Hey.
I'm glad you made it to 65.
Thank you, son.
Thank you very much.
- Hey, hey.
- What? That looks like my watch.
- No, this? - Uh-huh.
No, no, no, no.
I got that from Smokey.
Be right back.
Happy birthday to you [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yay, Pops! - [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
I'm glad we did this, Dad.
Me too.
You know, what do you say you and me hop in the car, take the top down, head up the coast, feel the cool breeze with Cool Breeze? We're never doing that.
I forgive you, Dad.