Corner Gas (2004) s04e16 Episode Script

So I come around the corner and there's two horses in the barn.
And the guy says to me, "Now can I have my hat back?" I, uh, I had somethin' funny happen to me.
Okay.
Well, just tell the story.
The other day I was, uh, I was really hungry.
So I-I go to the store, and, uh, uh, oh, oh, uh, hungry for peanut butter.
That's important.
And, uh, yeah.
So I go to the store and then they're all out.
And, uh, uh, no wait, wait.
First, I ask the guy, "Have you got any peanut butter?" and then he says, "We're all out.
" That's how it goes.
Okay.
Now we got all the facts, just, uh, tell us the story.
That-that was the story.
What's the point of that story? Well, do you know who that young man was who went to the store? It was you.
Oh.
Yeah, I said that part.
Okay, this guy is all outta peanut butter.
Okay.
Yeah, and he goes * You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on * You didn't put any money in the kitty.
Nobody puts any money in the kitty.
We all did.
It's the honour system.
Sucker system.
The Harvesters were founded on the honour system.
Oh, who told ya that? It's on our plaque.
Holy hell.
But if this is the honour system, how come you're checkin' up on me? You are the guys that broke the code.
I'm gonna take my money back.
You didn't put any money in there.
Maybe we should take it out of his dues.
Dues? Who pays their dues? And don't come back.
Jackasses! Jackasses! Thanks for this, Emma.
No problem.
Ah, the famous Leroy potato salad.
Oh, whoa! Careful with that.
What are you doin'? Ah, the famous Leroy overreaction.
Thank God you're here.
Wanda was about to make off with the potato salad I made her.
I don't care about the salad.
I mean I do.
Ultimately I'd like some.
But you're lending her our potato bowl, "the" potato bowl, our priceless family potato bowl? Geez, you guys are hard up for heirlooms.
I don't like to brag, but I have the whole set of Little Mermaid glasses.
Oh.
You don't understand.
Potatoes taste amazing when they come out of that bowl.
It's like it's enchanted.
Well, maybe a handsome prince will show up with sour cream.
You-you can't just Look into my eyes.
Stay with me.
She's going to give it back.
Geez, what a baby.
Relax, pouty puss.
You'll get your precious bowl back when I'm done with it.
Oh, crap! Uh-oh.
I suppose pouty potato puss is gonna start to cry now? You smashed the potato bowl! Hank, listen, maybe we were a little hard on you the other night.
Your story wasn't all that bad.
It was a good story.
I- I wanted some peanut butter and-and then wait.
A guy wanted some peanut butter Okay.
Let's not open that wound again.
The important thing is, a story has a point.
You know when you read a book? Oh, okay.
You know the little cartoons that come with gum? Oh, yeah.
They're great.
They have a point.
How do you know so much about this stuff? Well, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I was a member of the Toastmakers Club.
Look, Lacey, I know how to make toast.
I need help tellin' stories.
The first thing to remember is to square your shoulders and face your audience.
You want to keep their focus.
Is it important to have food on your face too? No, no.
Right there, yeah.
Was that there the whole time? Yeah.
So is that important? Solitaire? eBay.
I'm looking for a potato bowl.
Oh, you should borrow Emma's.
She's got a great one.
I broke it.
I need to replace it, so Emma and Brent will stop whining.
You broke the potato bowl, "the" potato bowl? So Emma, Brent, and you will stop whining.
I had my first scalloped potato from that bowl.
You don't forget a thing like that.
Well, I'm sure you could if you tried.
Somethin's different about these mashed potatoes.
Yeah.
That's because it's rice.
They need sour cream.
You know, not having the potato bowl isn't so bad.
I- I feel kinda liberated, like a-a weight's been lifted off.
Hey, what's with the brown ketchup? And yet another weight is still hanging around my neck.
How's it goin', Hank? Oh, funny you should ask that.
That reminds me of another time when I saw a rabbit.
"Is that a rabbit?" says I.
What are you doin'? Makin' eye contact.
I don't know where you're goin' with this, but I just wanna be friends.
Oh.
Sorry, I'm just trying to remember all of Lacey's storytelling tips.
Oh.
But I can't remember.
I had trouble concentrating.
She had food stuck on her face.
That's funny.
So she's givin' you tips on public speaking while she's got a pork chop hangin' off her face? It wasn't a pork chop.
It was smaller, like a bread crumb.
I was exaggerating.
Sometimes to tell a good story, you have to embellish.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of that? Because you don't know what the word embellish means? Still, no excuse.
I'm afraid to ask.
Hey, Oscar, you win a beauty contest? Actually, I came in last, in the Davis is Stupid pageant.
You came in last? Yeah.
It's the Davis is Stupid pageant.
So, if I came in first, I'd be as stupid as Davis.
But you're in the pageant, so you're still stupid.
Stupider than the average person, just not as stupid as Davis.
I've never even heard of this pageant.
There is no pageant.
The Harvesters Club is a buncha jackasses.
So, I started my own club.
Why would anyone want to join a club with Oscar? * What, did you guys win a beauty contest? Now I feel like I don't have to make potatoes.
I have options.
Wow.
That is an amazing story.
I especially liked your use of hand gestures.
What are you talking about? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm coaching Hank, to help him improve his public speaking.
It seems to be working.
So the whole time she's givin' me these, uh, storytellin' tips, she's got this pork chop hangin' off her face.
She musta looked like an idiot.
Nice use of hand gestures.
Huh? Hi, Emma.
I just wanted to drop by and tell you that I just feel really, really awful.
Oh.
Well, get plenty of rest and stay hydrated.
No.
Uh, about the bowl.
I broke your bowl? The precious, priceless family heirloom bowl? Oh, right.
Okay.
But, I wanted to make it up to you.
So with a lot of time and no small effort, I was able to find Ta-daah! Uh-huh.
Let's not get all teary-eyed and emotional about it.
You're welcome.
My life is better without the potato bowl.
Huh?Thanks all the same.
Stupid bowl.
Hey, Lacey.
So it's Lacey now, is it? I thought maybe you'd be calling me Pork Chop Face, like everybody else.
If that's what you'd prefer, but it seems kinda mean.
It was barely a speck a food.
You completely ignored the rest of my face, which, by the way, looked very good.
Well, I was talkin' to Brent and I told him ya had somethin' on your face and he thought I should tell that part and, you know, emboss it.
So Brent told you to tell everyone I had a pork chop on my face? Yeah, well, Brent can be a bit of a jerk sometimes.
Hey, Pork Chop Face, can I get some coffee? Hank! Ah, sorry.
Hey, Pork Chop Face, can I get some coffee, please? Why did you tell Hank to tell everybody that I had a pork chop on my face? Oh, that.
I just told him that stories sometimes need embellishing.
I guess he ran with it.
But-but a pork chop, that's too far.
You know, I worked so hard on giving him storytelling tips and then you go and do this.
That's just it.
You covered so much good stuff, I didn't know what else to tell him.
You thought I did a good job coaching Hank? Oh, a great job.
I mean all that stuff about the eye contact and Posture.
Sure.
Yeah, I never seen so much posture, drippin' with posture.
I know.
Slouching is such a bad habit.
Oh, which reminds me of a story.
Oh, Wanda.
Hey, you should hear this great story.
Okay.
So my dad takes us camping But you wanted me to clean the gunk behind the cooler.
No, check it out.
Come for the eye contact, stay for the posture.
Okay.
Okay, so my dad takes us camping and we are all packed in the car.
And my dad is slouching and I'm thinking, "Okay, no wonder we're lost.
" Oh, no, wait.
I forgot to say we were lost.
I'll be over by the cooler.
Oh.
Well, sure, I can tell it over there.
We should have an initiation.
We did have an initiation.
I hit you with a stick.
That was the initiation? There should be more pomp and Ahh! I wasn't finished.
Oh, and welcome.
What are you doin'? Hittin' Davis with a stick.
Can I hit Davis with a stick? Oh, sure.
Oh, hey! She's not a member of the club.
Can I join? Men only.
You let Davis in.
Good point.
Hey.
What's going on? Wanda's potatoes, they're delicious.
Wanda, you can't-you can't come into my restaurant and serve your food to my customers.
I know that.
I would never do that.
I just brought these in here to eat on my lunch break.
Also not allowed.
Then someone said they smelled good and Hank asked if he could try some and boom! full on feeding frenzy.
Best potatoes I've ever had, even better than Emma's.
Oh, really? I gotta go.
Mmm.
Oh, wow.
Those are delicious.
What's your secret? It has nothing to do with her.
It's just the bowl.
Emma thinks these bowls are magically enchanted by flavour fairies of the forest.
Could I borrow it? My enchanted bowl? Dream on, Pork Chop Face.
So then Lacey starts tellin' this weird story about her dad slouching.
So I grab onto Wanda and say, "Hey, you gotta hear this story" and Lacey locks onto her like a barnacle.
"My dad was slouching, so that's why we're lost.
" Lacey's a barnacle.
That's a good oh.
Oh, geez.
Sorry, that's partially my fault.
Uh, why don't ya let me get you another one.
How do you want it? Not on me.
You know what the first thing the club should do is? Build a fort.
Twelve year olds build forts.
Get some twelve year olds to build it.
Good thinkin'.
How's the club going? How's the not-club going? Actually, I'm thinking of starting my own club.
Girls only.
That's racist.
And I made my own sash.
Oooo.
That's nice.
Is that chenille? And the piping's organza.
Oh-ho-ho.
All right.
You're in.
I thought it was men only.
Things change.
You have to go through the initiation.
It's pretty gruelling.
Yeah.
You have to hit Davis with a stick.
Hey.
Okay, I've changed my mind.
I want my potato bowl back.
Your bowl is in about This bowl is the one I tried to give you while you kept closing the door on my face.
The door never even touched your face.
Now give it here.
So sorry, Emma.
But I think I'll be hanging on to my enchanted bowl.
Maybe I'll make some magical mashed tonight or some witchy wedges.
Witchy wedges? Okay, so I don't know a lot of different ways to make potatoes.
So Brent's tellin' me this story and he's like, "And Lacey's bein' a barnacle, so I drag Wanda over.
" And then he does this impression of Lacey.
"I'm Lacey.
I like ta tell stories about me slouchy father.
" Brent's laughin' so hard at his own joke, he spills coffee all over his pants.
And that's not embezzled.
And be careful with the coffee.
Don't spill the coffee.
You didn't buy any coffee.
"My name is Brent and I like to tell stories and spill coffee all over meself.
" Did I miss the part where my parents go nuts? Hank told them the story of you telling him how you burned me the other day going on about my slouching camping story.
Okay, maybe you're all making perfect sense and I've gone nuts.
Well, at least I don't spill coffee on myself.
I didn't.
Hank did.
The embellisher gets embellished.
Heya, Coffee Crotch.
I'm kinda bored.
Wanna do the secret handshake again? Nah, I'm already gettin' a callous.
What do other social clubs do? Ooo, I know.
* I meant do something good, like for the community.
Can't we imagine the little cars again? * If we want this club to get any respect, we should raise money for a charity.
What charity? Who cares? This is about us getting respect.
We'll raise money and figure out the charity later.
You're a good person.
What should we sell? Potatoes here! Get your delicious potatoes! Supplies are limited.
It's not a very big bowl.
What it lacks in size, it makes up for in enchantedness.
When I told you that story about Lacey, I didn't know you were going to blab it to her.
How else was she supposed to find out about it? You were the one who spilled coffee, not me.
I was doin' what you told me, I was embroidering.
Now she thinks I'm a jerk.
Actually, she called ya a low down dog swingin' two-faced jerkaholic.
I never said that.
Embroidering again? Yeah, I'm gettin' pretty good at it.
Hey, Mom.
Hello, Son.
Son? You only call me son when you're up to something.
Oh, don't be silly, Dear Child.
I made you some potatoes for lunch.
Well, that's nice of you which heightens my suspicion.
Oh.
Hello, Emma.
Nice bowl.
What you got in there? Something non-enchanted, I assume? I don't need a magic bowl to make better potatoes than yours.
Here, Brent, taste these.
Oh.
Well, I-I'm kinda full, actually.
Do you have a spoon? Mmm.
Those are very, very good potatoes.
Better than Wanda's? Those are tasty, lovely potatoes.
You've done it again, Mom.
Better than mine? Well, the word "better" is a curious term, rooted in ambiguity.
Whose are better? And tell the truth.
I can always tell when you're lying.
Well, it's not fair to you.
Wanda uses sorcery.
Hah! Take that, foolish mortal! Man, we sold a load of potatoes.
Yeah, they were like ravenous animals.
One guy bit my thumb.
Let's see how much we raised.
How much did we charge per serving? Two fifty.
And how many people did we serve? Oh, it had to be a dozens.
So if I've done my math correctly, this shouldn't be completely empty, right? What? We were robbed! And then I thought, "Well, maybe those jackasses are right, a fella should pay his dues.
" So, there you go.
All paid up for the entire year.
Okay.
But from now on, when you want a coffee, you put a quarter in the kitty.
Ach! That bowl better not be full of potatoes, unless you're here to give me potatoes as a gift.
Oh.
Are you giving me potatoes as a gift? The bowl's empty.
I have it with me because if I leave it alone for two seconds, Emma's gonna steal it.
So I remain ever vigil, always one step ahead of her.
Always vigil, hmm?Mm-hmm.
Like always.
Never takin' a break.
I turn my head for one second and this thing is dammit! Freeze, you lousy bowl thief! No, no, no, Whoa.
no, no.
It's my bowl.
I stole it fair and square.
I paid 50 bucks for it on eBay.
Is that all? Yeah, I thought it would have been more.
I mean for an enchanted bowl.
Yeah, that's a bargain.
Morning.
Shut up.
Mine just arrived today.
Whoops.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I Here, have one of mine.
I bought two.
Thanks.
I bought two.
Potatoes aren't really good for ya, you know? I know.
Starches, carbs.
Killers, really.
You want some of my noodle recipes? Yeah.
And then Brent says, "I didn't spill coffee on my crotch.
" Boo-hoo-hoo.
And then Hank says, "I was just embroiderin'.
" She didn't even use funny accents.
Some hand gestures woulda helped.
How could you? Stealing money from those poor little old did we pick a charity yet? No.
But it's still a nasty thing to do.
Of course you realize we're kicking you out of our club for this.
I've been kicked out of better clubs than yours.
And I didn't steal the money.
I borrowed it.
Oh.
And when are you gonna pay it back? A little bit every week.
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