Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e16 Episode Script

1 Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean Hmm.
Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
See? Perfection is an illusion.
Oh, did I have a thing? Thank you.
I could feel it.
Right there.
Do you still make those candy cane mochas? I know the holidays are almost over, but what the hell, I'm gonna treat myself.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Hi.
- Oh! God.
(laughs) Okay, let's just put it out there.
I've retired from stalking, but you never lose the skills.
You know? I'm sorry to violate your boundaries and your morning speed walk, but, um, ha, it's an emergency.
Dr.
Akopian do you watch The Bachelor? Huh? Look, you know I've been indecisive about the whole Josh, Nathaniel, Greg thing.
Well, they proposed that I go on a final date with each of them, like The Bachelor.
And then, I choose.
Like The Bachelor.
- Here you go.
- I know it's weird, and it's insane, and it's dumb, and it's lame, again, like The Bachelor so, it's bad, right? I shouldn't do it? Do you forbid me from doing it? (sighs) Well, um, it's consensual, right? And it's their idea? Yeah.
You go into it with clear expectations, might be helpful to settle on how you feel.
Really? Wow.
Just don't get into any jacuzzi slap-fights.
(chuckles) Rebecca, as long as you stay grounded and present and open I think I can be all those things, yeah.
Then I don't think there's any big harm in it.
Oh, good.
'Cause I already told them I'd do it anyway, and I got to make a decision by next Thursday.
You do realize that next Thursday is Valentine's Day, by the way? Oh, I do.
It's apt, right? It's, uh, it's rather apt.
So, what are you drinking? Can I have my morning back now? Absolutely.
I'll see you for my appointment later today.
Look at this chair, though.
It's like, (high-pitched): I'm a little lady in a big chair.
I'm a little lady waiting for their mommy.
You know? Okay.
Bye.
(quietly): Oh.
Bunch and Akops, back together again! (scatting) All right, let's get started.
Now we've all agreed that there should be some ground rules for this thing, so I'll give you my suggestions first.
I think there needs to be a spending limit.
NATHANIEL: Hold on.
- Not fair.
- Uh, that's a great idea.
It's not fair you're a billionaire, and you can, like, whisk her off anywhere in the world.
Mm-hmm.
WHITE JOSH: That's exactly right.
So let's say a spending cap of $50? What? No.
What can you do with $50? Park? Agreed.
$50.
NATHANIEL: Fine.
Fine.
Okay, then the next rule is everyone keeps their shirts on.
- Mm-hmm.
- JOSH: What? No way.
No.
No.
Okay, I'm on a shred right now.
My trainer always says, "When you're on a cut, you got to strut.
" That's a good point.
Shirts stay on.
So that eliminates your advantage, Josh, and yours as well, Nathaniel.
Which leaves, uh, Greg whose advantage is Yeah, what is your thing? Yeah, what is the thing you do that's, like, good? I do nothing.
That's my special charm.
Aw, no.
Don't sell yourself short, bud.
You're great at, um, little remarks and comments.
Oh, yeah, ladies love remarks and comments, and they go nuts for asides.
Look, you're right.
You don't need to neutralize me.
Next to you two, I lose every day of the week.
Or do I? (chuckles) Heating up.
Hi.
Hi, hi, hi.
Thank you for meeting me for breakfast.
Oh, my God, Kevin's new breakfast specials are a huge hit.
Take one dollar off anything, people lose their minds.
Oh, I'm so sorry I can't do girl group lunches anymore.
My new job, I actually have to show up to work.
I also can't drive carpool, watch TV, or take a bath during the day.
You take a bath during the day? Not anymore.
Now I barely have time to shave my armpits.
I am full European hitchhiker under this fancy blazer.
And I am barely making the standard marital sex quota, four times a week.
(sighs) No, I know.
I know, I know, it's embarrassing.
We used to be so sexual.
Well, I'm glad you're here, because we need to discuss the real-life dating show unfolding in front of us, - Rebecca's three dates.
- Yeah, mm, I don't know, though, if we should be gossiping about Rebecca's love life.
I mean, look, I learned a long time ago that Rebecca's dating life is not my entertainment.
So, I just, you know, it's just not healthy for either of us.
(exhales) That's really, really good, Paula.
So we'll talk about it, - and you can listen.
- Mm-hmm.
So, Heath, who do you think she'll pick? Okay.
So - Josh! - BOTH: What? Okay, okay.
I have come full circle on this; it has to be Josh, and let me tell you why.
And then afterwards, I will never say anything ever.
(sighs) She and Josh have such an incredible history.
And he's so evolved now.
It is Team Josh! Okay, I'm done, I'm done.
I'm not talking anymore.
- Okay, that is insane.
That is crazy talking.
- Mm-hmm.
Guys, it's got to be Nathaniel.
- (both gasp) - Yeah, I know I used to think she was meant to be with Greg, but then Nathaniel became an actual decent person.
Okay, volunteering at the jail.
He tipped my staff a hundred bucks each at Christmas.
Then I heard he put on that prince costume and sang Rebecca's rewritten song in that dumb play thing? If that's not love, what is? - Also, he's so hot in an Armie Hammer kind of way.
- (scoffs) Call me by his name, know what I'm saying? (scoffs) I can't believe this.
You used to agree with me about Greg.
Okay, you want to talk about change? Let's talk about change.
Greg has also changed a ton.
He is practically a completely different actor now.
And of course I'm saying "actor" in the political and legal sense.
And ladies, let's not forget, - Josh left her at the altar.
- Right, so listen, if you circle back to Nathaniel Oh, come on Nathaniel, the cheater? He made a Tanya out of my Rebecca.
It is Josh, it is Josh, I would put money on it.
Well, I think we learned in Vegas you'd put money on anything, but you know what? So would I.
I would put actual cash, American, hard currency, dollars, on it being Nathaniel.
Well, so would I.
On Greg.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you guys talking about putting money on this whole triple-date thing? - We want in.
- Are we really doing this? 'Cause I have a state-of-the-art odds board I want to use on the Super Bowl, Oscars and National Spelling Bee.
- That sweetie is ready to roll! - (laughs) (excited chatter) I'm so excited, I'd like to bet my entire life on Nathaniel.
Ooh, I don't have cash, but I do have Swiss francs.
(coins jangling) I always carry them with me.
In case the economy collapses.
(loud chatter) There's no exchange rate, so it's just one Oh, wow, are we actually gambling on our friend's love life? I mean, it is happening, whether we do it or not.
I've spent so much time and energy on Rebecca's drama, the least I can do is make money off of it.
Okay, how much? How much? A hundred down for my man Nathaniel.
(chatter continues) MAN: We got a hundred down on Nathaniel.
Uh, what's going on here? (overlapping chatter) Who's got twenties? People are talking about betting on the three dates.
- It's messed up.
- Unbelievable.
Hey! Hey! Hey, stop it! Stop it, you animals.
What is wrong with all of you? These are your best friends.
These people are human beings with feelings, and you're using them to make money.
Ugh.
How dare you play with love Have you no decency? Love is what created Him and him and her and me How dare you Play with love Is nothing sacred to you, lady sir? I think the word is just "ma'am.
" Love is what Unites me and you and him and her And him and him and me as well JK, LOL (all laughing) Let's do this! Love's not a game, love's not a game None of us would ever say love's a game That would be bad You can be sure-a But I'm in the mood to wear this cool fedora Love's not a game, love's not a game We would never play with love like it's a game But if we did And that would be wrong We'd put 30 bucks down that Josh has the biggest schlong Oh, interesting.
I'll double that.
I'll triple that! Love is not Olympians sprinting down courses They're our dear friends, they are not horses - (trumpet plays fanfare) - Their love is pure, groom meets bride So we'd never soil it with a death pool on the side Josh, age 52, parasailing accident.
That's so smart.
Same.
Love's an end game but it's not a game Our mouths keep saying that but our hands need change Put 30 on red, poetically For red's the color of a heart that beats free Red is also Greg.
I-It's Greg.
We definitely shouldn't do this We definitely shouldn't do this This is bad, this is bad We're going to hell, this is bad I will give my counsel as a graduate of priest school - Preschool? - No.
Priest school.
ALL: Oh.
I just talked to Jesus, and he said that it's cool Jesus said it's cool What? Okay, thanks.
Okay, sure.
Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Bills, bills! Broadway playbills.
Flops only appreciate over time.
ALL: Odds! Sixes! Dice! Monogamy! (tapping) Love's not a game, love's not a game That being said, let's make it rain While Cupid flies in from above The group mind has decided to bet on love Love's not a game, love's not a game, love's not a game Josh should be wary of para-sails.
VALENCIA: Okay, so I'm confused.
How does this work? How do I know if I'm winning? Well, on this board here, - we've got Greg, Nathaniel and Josh.
- VALENCIA: Okay.
And as the dates unfold and we get more information and new bets come in, Kevin will input the data, and the odds will be recalculated on the computer.
Whoever's on the top is the favorite.
VALENCIA: Hmm, okay, so, - Nathaniel's on top.
- Yes, but that means that Greg is an underdog, and that pays out more.
Well, that's great, so then Greg's good.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, great.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, well, I have to go.
I got to sell some of my expired cosmetics to my relatives so I can raise more money to bet on him.
(gasps) Here comes Greg.
Kevin, you may not want him to see this.
I got you.
So what do you have planned for your date with Rebecca? - Not a ton.
- Greg, seriously, listen to me.
You know that Josh and Nathaniel are gonna pull out - all the stops on these dates.
- (chuckles) They're gonna get things like hot air balloons and sailboats and-and unicorns.
Unicorns, Hector? They're gonna get multiple unicorns? Maybe.
Uh what are you gonna do? Pick her up in your crappy car and take her - to the drive-through? - Maybe.
You just can't.
You got to think of something great.
I really don't think I need to.
And that's not me being cocky, that's just me knowing in my heart when I'm right for someone.
I don't need to do any of that goofy "romantic stuff.
" PAULA: Hey, look at us, on time for your last baseball game.
Oh, a couple of moms are late.
Yeah, like, where's Cindy McCadden? Like, where is she? She's probably on Chardonnay time, you know what I'm saying? (laughs) Oh, they say working moms drop the ball, and yet, behold, here I am.
Can one have it all? Nay, I say yes, young Thomas, - if one tries hard enough.
- (chuckles) What's that? TOMMY: Think it's the, uh, sign-up for the banquet dinner.
- Everyone's got to bring something.
- Ah, that's no problem.
Let me sign up for something easy, - like paper plates and plastic cutlery.
- (both laugh) (whispers): Are you out of your mind? Do you really think plastic cutlery is still available? I got here this morning at 9:00, and I had to sign up to make kosher scones.
Yeah.
One Jew on our team, and I have to bake under the supervision of a rabbi.
Cindy McCadden got plastic cutlery, because she slept outside the front door.
(yawns): Oh, ladies.
Hi.
Louise, good luck with those scones.
I can give you Moyshe's number if you like.
Cindy, what what's left? What's left on the list? (laughs) Oh, my God.
Get out of my way! Oh, my God.
(sighs) Cantaloupe wedges, taken; votive candles, taken; string cheese, taken? Mom, this is the only one left.
"Salmon for 60"? - Ooh.
- Ouch.
Hey, uh, Paula, is everything okay? Sorry, Greg, no I-I don't have time to talk right now, Greg.
- I was just trying to, uh - No, no, no, no, you don't understand.
I-I got to get Yeah, nope.
- Whoa, what was all that about? - I don't know.
I was just trying to say hi.
Yeah, she seemed preoccupied.
Yeah, that's probably it.
It's not like she doesn't like me.
Though, we have had our ups and downs.
Don't go out with Greg.
Greg is just a whiny little bitch.
You're sleeping with Greg?! Sarcastic, alcoholic, unromantic Greg? He is completely shut down, and he is angry.
Paula, I get it.
You don't like Greg.
Huh.
Well, you might want to get into the ups, because she and Rebecca are total besties.
- Uh-huh.
- You're in a tight race right now, and that could tip it.
Well, I don't think I need to, or do I? Well, you got stiff competition.
She's on date number one with Josh tonight, and that guy's got a black belt in romance.
Hmm.
(sighs): Oh.
Here I am, and I am staying grounded and realistic.
- JOSH: What? - No, Josh, uh, just hold hold on.
Okay, R-Rebecca, it's okay.
Re-center.
(inhales) - And just breathe.
- What is it? Josh, I'll just be one second, just one I'm I'm centered, I'm present, I'm here.
You ready? Yeah.
- (chuckles) - (laughs): What? Oh Oh, my God.
It's summer camp.
- (exhales): Oh, wow.
- Like it? (laughs): Yeah.
- First - Hmm? We dine alfresco.
- Oh.
- (both laugh) (both laughing) Let's, let's see - Mmm.
- (mouth full): That just tastes so good.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
You know what, seriously, I-I hope the hot dogs are okay.
- Yeah.
- I spent most of my money on the tent, I borrowed fake grass from my mom's lawn.
- (stifled laugh) - Hope that's not cheating.
No, it's not.
I would say it's acceptably within the guidelines.
Okay, good.
It's nice to go into the past like this.
Oh, I'm not trying to go back into the past.
I-I'm trying to bring us full circle, you know? (sighs) Becks, there's always been this feeling of destiny about me and you.
Like, I-I don't know, like, someone out there is telling a story about us.
Yeah.
It does feel that way sometimes.
Come with me.
Hello (gasps) Oh.
Hey.
Real pillows.
Ah.
Nice touch.
Well, I remember at camp, you brought your own pillows from home, and, uh, you made me cover them with a rain poncho before we, you know, uh - I, you know - (chuckles) I didn't want to get them dirty because they were orthotic.
So you know, I was careful not to get your (mumbles) on them after we (mumbles).
Yeah.
(both chuckle) Uh, close your eyes.
I-I have a surprise for you.
Which is, incidentally, what you said the night you missed and got the pillow and then my ear, but okay, I'll close my eyes.
Okay, open them.
(gasps) Gasp.
Oh (sighs): Oh This is so beautiful.
I spent all night trying to set it up and make sure it was facing the right way and everything.
I wanted to make sure everything in our universe was exactly where it should be.
It means so much to me that you did this.
It was fun.
And I know which one the North Star is, so I can always find my way back home to you.
Oh, Josh.
Wait, is kissing allowed? - Ah - (both chuckle) (birds chirping) (grunts softly) - - (cheering) Does anyone know anything? I got to know how that date went.
I lost my mind yesterday and put $600 on Greg.
Oh, what? - Guys, the next-door neighbor called.
- (gasps) I told him we were dying for info and that I would cut him in on my winnings, so he peeked over the fence for me.
- And? - And? - And? - And? - And? And he said he saw them waking up in each other's arms through a very tiny window in a tent.
(all gasping) - (phone chimes) - Oh, wait.
I'm getting a text.
It's from Rebecca.
(all gasping) - Dots.
- Okay.
- (phone whooshes) - Oh, oh, no, no.
Oh, no.
She says - DARRYL: What'd she say? - "It was perfect.
" - No! - (groans and cheers) - Oh, yes! - Josh Chan is in the lead, folks! - (groaning) - (cheering) Oh, come on! Slay.
Slay, slay, slay.
- Slay.
- Mm-hmm.
I need to figure out how to pay for this whole thing.
- Mama Cookie knows, girl.
Mama Cookie always knows.
Ha! - It's very expensive.
So, you're talking about federal administrative and regulatory law and you're not citing Elena Kagan, - what are you doing? (laughs) - (laughing) (elevator dings) Are we sure this is gonna work? You said I needed to do something to get into this contest, so this is what I'm doing.
Winning over Rebecca's best friend.
If you put as much effort into the date as you put into poaching 60 fillets You don't understand.
I can't plan romantic things.
I'm terrible at contrived stuff.
I can't even sing "Happy Birthday.
" Other people sing it and I go, "Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah" because I find it so embarrassing.
So, I can't do that.
So this is what I have, okay? Fish! Oh what? - Hi.
- Hey.
Would you normal people excuse me for just one second? Okay.
Thanks.
Uh, what's this? A lightly poached coho with a dill reduction for five dozen or, one would say, salmon for 60.
Hi.
I'm Greg Serrano, let's try again, shall we? Uh I'm about to step into a meeting, Greg.
Yes, yes, I understand and I'll totally get out of your hair.
I just wanted to save the day for a working mom so you don't disappoint your son again.
Oh, dear.
Oh.
So you're an expert on parenting now? No, I just I didn't mean to criticize.
That came out wrong.
Oh.
I know what this is.
You overheard me having a problem, so you thought you'd swoop in and help, get in my good graces, so I'll put in a word in with Rebecca.
Oh, she's good.
You're good, Paula.
She's very good.
- Greg.
- Hmm? Rebecca makes her own choices.
But I gotta say - Uh-huh? - You have a lot of tough competition, so I really hope that you have a better plan than bringing me fish.
Yes.
Yes, ma'am, I do.
Y-Yes, yes, ma'am.
He does.
Great.
Then you're all set.
I mean, you know, after you stop by my house and put that salmon in the fridge.
Key's under the mat.
Thanks.
Wow.
You look so beautiful.
I'm sorry.
(exhales) This is kind of weird.
No, it's okay.
You and Nathaniel have a good time.
Well an okay time.
A fine time.
(groans softly) Ugh.
Who am I kidding? I've been praying all day for the San Andreas Fault to open up and s-swallow up Nathaniel.
And then Greg.
And then Josh Chan from Azusa, who continues to mess with my credit rating.
Josh, I know this is hard.
I We had such a good time the other night.
But (groans) Is this what we're doing? You know, I don't know what else to do.
Yeah, I-I know.
I thought this would be simple, but (scoffs) It's not.
Okay, I'll see you later.
(door opens) (door closes) REBECCA: Nathaniel, where are we going? Here, come on.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(chuckles) This is just so beautiful, and it's so thoughtful.
(sighs) But what's wrong? Are you okay? No, I'm fine, it's just I don't know what's happening.
This is just so (groans) And you guys are so (groans) I know, it's weird.
It's weird.
- You were just on a date with Josh - Yes.
- And now you're here with me, and I bought - (sighs) a bunch of cheese and crackers, - so many different types of crackers.
- (chuckles) I don't know why.
Why don't why don't we just just forget everything else and just try to enjoy this? You know? (exhales) Okay.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Here, sit down.
Okay.
(clears throat) (sighs) Oh.
Wow.
(sniffles) This is just it's the most beautiful view.
You know, on a clear day, you can see Gardena, Torrance, and if you squint, the Rancho Dominguez Cineplex 23.
(laughs) I do love that place.
They have so many movies.
- Almost two dozen.
- Right (laughing): You know what I mean.
Not quite, but almost.
- (laughing): Not quite, just short.
- Just shy.
(applause nearby, music playing) What is that? Oh.
- There it is.
- What? - You know what you did.
- Oh, yeah? You hired a band.
I knew you'd play dirty and spend all your money.
- I knew you would.
I knew it.
- No, I I did no such thing.
I played by the rules.
Uh-huh.
- Sure.
Uh-huh.
- I did.
No, no.
What I did do was, I found the perfect spot to sit right above the Greek Theater and listen to a concert for free.
Tonight is "The Greatest Hits of Broadway with Michael Bublé.
" (distant applause) (chuckles) (funky bass playing) Huh.
I wonder what Broadway standard this is.
I don't recognize it.
Maybe it's from Starlight Express or Once on This Island.
I don't know.
Those are the two shows I know the least.
Hang on.
Oh.
No, I screwed this up.
(groans) It's not Broadway's greatest hits; it's "'70s Groove Night with Marty Macaroon and the Funky Town Eight.
" Wow.
This is a disaster.
I'm I'm so sorry.
This is awful.
- Hold on.
- No, no.
(scoffs) I actually kind of like it.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I wouldn't humor you.
No one likes this.
Marty Macaroon doesn't like this.
I'm gonna like anyone with the name Macaroon.
- (funk music continues) - Shall we dance? To this? Come on.
Yeah.
Let's dance.
Dance with me.
Come on.
Oh, you want to stand up and dance.
Oh, my gosh.
Stand up and dance with me.
- All right.
- Try and salvage this.
Feel the Macaroon rhythm.
- There we go.
- Ooh.
I mean, that bass line is crunchy.
- It is so crunchy.
- It's a crunchy bass.
- Ooh, let's bite our lower lips.
- What does that do? I think this is how It's just the funk face, right? (humming) (funk music grows louder) - Nice.
(whistles) - Okay.
Oh.
- And back.
Oh, drop the beat, Marty.
- Yeah, Marty! Then I'll pull you in.
(chuckles) - (sighs) - (funk music fades) I don't want to give you a whole big pitch.
I've done that so many times before.
But I think we're meant to be together.
And if you pick me, it'll be because you feel the same way.
I thought so.
(sighs) So, where did Rebecca and Nathaniel go for their date? Probably somewhere boring.
If it was me, I would've taken Rebecca to see Marty Macaroon and the Funky Town Eight.
You're a Macarooner? Oh! We should swap cassettes.
Yeah, I've got April '93 at Red Rocks.
- (gasps) No! - Mm-hmm.
- The drone images are in.
- What? I got a buddy to follow Nathaniel and toss up a drone.
No biggie.
(crowd murmuring) Okay.
- (shocked reactions, chatter) - What?! (gasping, groaning) - (cell phone dings) - Oh, got a text.
Wow.
It says - "It was heaven.
" - (cheers and groans) - Yes.
Yes! - DARRYL: Yeah! Papa's got a winner.
And mama's got a winner! Oh, wait, my thing sounded like your thing.
Mm, just a little bit.
(grunts rhythmically) (cheering) (excited chatter) Hi.
Well, hello, sir.
I'm Bernie.
Looking for a little - high-altitude romance? - Oh.
Wow, we're going with that tone right out of the gate.
Okay, uh, yeah.
Well, here's what I'm looking for something romantic.
No irony involved.
Just the thing that people do that is the thing people do.
I love a girl and need to show her how much.
Ah, our standard $50 package.
Got it.
Our magical journey begins with your choice of pattern for your hot-air balloon: rainbow, carnival stripes, polka dots.
You know what? Let's do it.
For once in my life, I got to really go all out.
Great! Done.
Oh.
Oh, cool, that's it? I-I thought you were gonna give me more of a song and dance.
From me? No, no, no, never.
Okay.
Well, Th-there is one other thing.
It's J-Just a word of warning.
Warning? There's no Bathroom, there's no bathroom If she needs to use the bathroom Tell her that there is no bathroom Please don't pee in my balloon This may be a bit more bumpy than a plane ride Or a taxi, but I promise it is worth it And your lady, she will swoon! Ah, a-all right.
Got it.
Please don't poop in my balloon.
I wasn't planning on it.
You know, it's-it's happened a couple times, and, uh, it's a nightmare.
Ugh.
Very hard to get poop out of wicker.
(sighs) Cool tux.
Yeah, came with the rainbow package.
- Not gonna even show you my socks.
- Wow.
You know what? I'm impressed.
Yeah? I mean, you hate this stuff, and you're doing it.
Feeling good? Uh, I don't know.
I have no idea.
I mean, I used to feel so confident about Rebecca, and now This week, I've just been steaming a whole bunch of fish and agreeing to sail over the Temecula Valley in a stripy balloon.
Are you having second thoughts? Yeah, yeah, I'm having second thoughts, but still gonna do it.
Is this bow tie straight? I doubt it.
(clears throat) Oh, come on.
Oh, Dr.
Akopian? What are What? You go to this wine bar? Okay, look.
Yeah, I'm stalking you again.
We've established this.
It's a very problematic behavior, and we should discuss it the next time I'm in therapy, but listen, I need some help.
Okay, these dates aren't clarifying anything.
They're just they're fogging up all my windows My front window, my back window and my side windows.
And I don't know what to do.
Can I have a sip of your wine? - Oh, no.
- No, that-that's not appropriate.
I don't know how I'm gonna face this Greg date coming up.
It's gonna ruin my life.
I cannot go on yet another romantic and perfect date.
Then don't.
Just follow what's in your heart.
Follow what's in my heart? What kind of therapist advice is that? Look, I-I'm-I'm just trying to have a glass of wine.
I am not on the clock right now, okay, Rebecca? Okay, that's fair.
You're right.
Self-care is important.
Thanks for not dropping me as a patient.
See you at 4:00 tomorrow.
Help.
Love is a game, love is a game But I've never enjoyed playing any sort of game I hate round objects Flying at my head In seventh grade I convinced the principal To let me count bat mitzvah prep as my phys ed In games you can get hurt In games you can get bruised In order for a victory, someone else must lose And it's a sign of weakness to just throw in the towel People hate when you play dirty Which I think is called a foul If love's a game, if love's a game Then in forfeiting I find no shame This whole thing is a powder keg I have no choice but to cancel on Greg? Wow.
So, what's, um What's happening here? Well, in order of importance, I'm wearing a real uncomfortable tuxedo, I possibly just split my pants, and my crappy car won't start.
How about you? About the same.
- Let's get you to the shop.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
(chuckles) - Oh, my God, no one ate the salmon.
- Oh.
- They never do.
- Then why do we do this? Paula, that's how it's always been.
Oh Louise, this whole process needs a redo.
We should be working together.
I mean, no sign-up sheets, no competition; just-just a community of moms collaborating.
(laughing) Oh, God.
Oh-oh-oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Guys, guys, guys, stop.
Stop, stop, everybody, stop what you're doing.
Bernie called.
They never showed up for their balloon ride.
- ALL: What? What? - No, no.
No, Hector, you put his bow tie on him.
You said he was going.
Well, he was, but he seemed a little wigged out - about the whole thing, honestly.
- Why didn't you tell us that? WHITE JOSH: Oh, God, I bet my rowing machine on Greg.
Oh, my God, what's going on? We don't know what's going on.
If they don't complete their date, it's a push.
Nobody loses, - nobody wins.
- OTHERS: No! BOTH: What? No! (overlapping shouting) Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, well, I can't drink over at Home Base.
Not with all that betting going on.
Oh, you heard about that, too? Yeah, of course.
Think I wasn't gonna put $1,000 on myself? (chuckles) Well, how was your date? Honestly? Really good.
Yours? Oh, couldn't have gone any better.
Well, we'll find out soon enough.
Yeah.
Hey, whatever happens, good game, man.
Same.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers.
God, I hope I win, though.
I really hope you lose.
I also hope Greg dies.
Ooh, were you thinking San Andreas Fault? I was actually thinking lightning bolt.
It's quick, it's painless.
Mm.
You know, I do like the guy.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
(both chuckle) (quiet chatter) Well, it's gonna take a long time to fix it.
Something about the trans carburetor I'm being lied to, and it's gonna be very expensive.
- (laughs) - And our date's already ruined because we're gonna miss our start time for our takeoff, so Uh, takeoff? It's a long story.
Never mind.
Just Hey, can I be honest with you? Yeah.
I've been dreading this whole thing.
Not being with you.
That part I love.
Just the date I had planned, it's so not me.
It's so very Bernie.
Weird guy.
- Who's - The bow tie.
- Oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
I got to tell you something.
When I ran into you, I was literally seconds away from texting you and canceling the date.
Not because I don't like spending time with you, but I just All these dates, it's just so exhausting, it's so much pressure.
Right.
So this date is off? Looks like it.
BOTH: Oh, thank God.
(both chuckle) Oh Well, if you're gonna be here for the next few hours, I'll just wait with you.
Really? You would do that? Yeah.
I got nothing to do.
I just found out my date canceled.
(chuckles) Hey, so, uh, did you eat yet? No, I was waiting for you to eat, but I would eat now.
Do you want to go somewhere? Uh, I more feel like ordering.
Ooh, I would do that.
Yeah? What do you want? What are you in the mood for? Um, Italian? I have that all the time at work.
- Right, of course.
Yeah.
- What about Thai? I had that for lunch, but any other place.
Really, you pick.
Okay, well, I picked last time.
Oh, you did, and we went to that Indian place, which I loved.
Mm-hmm.
Do you want to do that again? No, you know what I want? I want that new taco place.
- The one on East Cameron? I heard that's amazing.
- Yes.
- Right? It's - Okay.
Okay.
- So I-I want to see if they deliver.
- Yeah, sure.
I'll pull up the menu.
Let's see.
Okay, I'm gonna pull up the menu.
You have to decide what you want beforehand because, no, I cannot be on the phone and have you shouting your order in my ear.
It's not my fault that I realize what I want when I hear what you're getting.
I understand it's not your fault, but it's very irritating and very annoying, and we've had many discussions about it, so just make a Here you go, here's the menu.
Do I like chilaquiles? Yeah, of course you do, with the Verde.
Right, right, right, right, yes.
Okay, I want to get that.
Okay.
Hey.
You're the love of my life.
You know that, right? Well, I do now.