Ghosts (2021) s04e16 Episode Script

1
JAY: Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
Why was the stripper parachuting in?
SAMANTHA: It was the
"It's Raining Men" package.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Chris.
Extra sad for us young hotties.
Taken in our prime.
Eh, that's how it goes.
Life's a footy ball.
You never know what
way it's gonna bounce.
Man, I got to say,
his physique is great,
but his attitude's even better.
Oh, this is not gonna
be good for business.
- And poor Chris.
- It is tragic, but
he seems to be handling it well.
Wait, Chris is now a ghost?
So there's just some hot,
invisible Australian guy
- hanging around now?
- [CHUCKLES]
I mean, he's okay.
You're all right yourself, love.
- [NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
- Are you blushing?
No. As if.
I cannot believe this.
The dinosaur-loving
stripper of my dreams
- just expired on our property.
- [GASPS]
- Here he comes.
- ISAAC: Time to dazzle him
- with the old Higgintoot charm.
- Mm.
Hey, name's Chris.
You two are ghosts, right?
- Yep. I'm Flower.
- And what's your name, mate?
[NERVOUS PANTING]
I
Ice
Your name is Ice?
Isaac.
Some people call me Ice.
Right on, Ice.
See you guys around.
Oof, that was tough to watch.
And I once watched a bear eat my corpse.
The cubs were cute,
though, when they joined in.
[SNIFFS]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
[GNAWING]
[SNARLS]
♪
[CHUCKLES] Who's the
guy dressed like Frasier?
That's Jay's cousin Sunil.
He just got dumped by his girlfriend,
and he's here to bro out with Jay.
Yeah, so, unfortunately
you won't see the restaurant
up and running this weekend.
Because of the stripper that
crashed through the roof?
Yeah, it's tragic, but it kind
of puts things in perspective.
Maybe makes you feel not so bad
about Courtney breaking
up with you at Benihana?
She thought I wasn't gonna make a scene
in front of a seven-year-old's
birthday party.
She was wrong.
Oh, God, I miss making a scene.
Everyone watching you, scared,
saying, "Alberta, put the gun down."
It's a great way to get attention.
Sunil, I love Courtney,
but the truth is, she
sucks and you can do better.
SAMANTHA: Hey, Sunil.
- Oh, hey.
- So glad you could make it.
And happy St. Patrick's Day.
Sam did one of those ancestry websites.
It turns out I'm ten percent Irish.
And more Neanderthal than you'd expect,
but they didn't have a T-shirt for that.
Oh, uh, Mark wants
to see us in the barn.
He has an estimate for the roof repair.
He said he could email
it, but he wanted to see
- the look on our faces.
- Do not like the sound of that.
Hey, Sunil, um, you want to come?
The police tape's still up.
Maybe I could take a picture
of you in the chalk outline.
It's really nice of you, Jay, but
I think I'm just gonna stay
here and finish my breakfast.
This poor cousin.
I was going to make a joke
about how bad things are
when a 500-year-old virgin
is feeling sorry for you,
but then I restrained myself.
Thank you, Alberta,
that's very thoughtful.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Today my people celebrate
by getting very drunk,
instead of just the normal amount.
[LAUGHS] I can make those jokes now.
Yeah, you were really
holding back before.
Wow, everyone really seems to be
in the St. Paddy's
Day spirit around here.
Were you talking to me?
Well, I mean, there's
no one else in here.
- Oh, my God. He can see her?
- What is happening?
- Are you a guest?
- No.
I am not a ghost.
He said "guest."
Oh, yes. I am a guest. Not a ghost.
I-I'm I'm Sunil.
My name is Henrietta.
But they call me Hetty.
Oh, uh, could I offer
you some coffee or ?
- This is so freaking weird.
- HETTY: No, thank you.
Uh, it-it-it-it goes right through me.
- Anyway, bye.
- Uh, yeah. Bye.
Okay, my initial overture with Chris
left something to be
desired, but it is a new day.
And I have crafted the
perfect opening line
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Hello, Chris. My name is Isaac.
- And we are soulmates."
- TREVOR: All right, bud.
You're gonna have to
take it down a notch.
Remember, as far as this guy knows,
you guys just met.
Imagine if someone that you just met
told you they broke off
their engagement for you.
Hmm. Perhaps it is a bit forward.
Yeah, you just got to play it cool.
People don't like desperate.
That's why Neil Young
always went home alone.
"Play it cool." Perhaps
I play it cool
as "Ice."
Which is what he thinks my name is.
Sup, Chris? How is it hanging?
Want to talk pterodactyl?
Yeah, I wouldn't bring up
dinosaurs right away, either.
Yeah, but we both love dinosaurs.
Again, it's creepy that you know that.
Let him tell you that
he loves dinosaurs,
and then you can nerd out over
some dino facts or whatever.
I'm gonna tell him that
the Spinosaurus is
the fastest swimmer.
But first I'm gonna let him come to me
because that's how
the Iceman does things.
I wouldn't call yourself
the Iceman either.
The Iceman hears you.
[SMACKS LIPS, WINCES]
This is incredible! You
can be seen by the living?
Wait, can you touch stuff?
No, I'm sadly unable to
interact with the physical world,
which I discovered moments ago
after attempting to access
Samantha's pill cabinet.
But why? Why can she be seen
now after all these years?
What if it's because it's St.
Patrick's Day, and you're Irish?
Interesting.
But then, why has this
never happened before?
Maybe because you never saw
the Irish as people before.
But now that you do,
you can also be seen?
PETE: I wonder if this is permanent
or if this is just, like, for the day?
That will go a long way to determining
- which tier ghost power this is.
- What's this?
There are tiers to ghost powers?
Seemed insensitive to mention
before we knew you had one,
but, yes, there's-there's
Tier One: the godlike powers.
That's me and Trevor.
Uh, excuse me, uh, my dream
thing is also Tier One.
Adjacent. Then there's Tier Two,
that's Flower and Thor,
sort of neat but not really that useful.
And then there's Tier
Three, which [SWALLOWS]
is very useful in some
highly specific situations.
Hetty, hello.
Sunil. Hello.
I just wanted to tell you
that your gown is stunning.
I feel like nobody dresses up anymore,
and I think it's a real shame.
Excuse me, is it totally on?
Well, you look rather dapper yourself.
[ALBERTA CHUCKLES]
She used the "D" word. It is on.
Um, I was going out for a
walk. Would you care to join me?
GHOSTS: Ooh
Uh, you're not planning on
leaving the property, are you?
I don't think so.
Then absolutely. I would love to.
CHRIS: If ghosts can go through walls,
why don't we just
fall through the floor?
We believe that the spectral plane
on which we exist consists
of two core elements.
Vertical material, or
what we call "wall,"
is permeable to ghosts,
whereas horizontal material,
or floor, supports our weight.
There's also "well,"
which you should avoid.
- Hey.
- Hey there.
Ice, right? How you going?
I'm cool. As my name would suggest.
The Iceman.
Pete, let's get back to the ghost rules.
Yeah, why don't we? Um
Okay, let's talk ghost boundary.
That mysterious force that keeps ghosts
from leaving the property.
Yeah, rules don't really apply to me.
Oh, so you can leave the property?
Nah.
But I don't have a bedtime.
Okay.
- Iceman is having a meltdown.
- [GASPS]
Damn it. Why didn't I think of that?
Nice one, Flower.
ALBERTA: Sam!
You're not gonna believe
what just happened.
- You're not gonna believe what just happened.
- See?
I just went on a walk with
the most fascinating creature.
A woman of true refined
elegance and perfect posture.
A true throwback,
aside from some wildly progressive views
on recreational drug use.
Who are you talking about?
- Your guest!
- Sunil, we don't have a guest.
Of course you do. Her name is Hetty.
Hello.
Come on, that was good, right?
Oh, my God.
- Good afternoon.
- Hi.
Oh, right. That guest.
How is this happening?
We think it has something to do
with it being St. Patrick's Day
and Hetty's recent
realization that she's Irish
having unlocked her ghost power.
It's all very interesting, I
would love to discuss it more,
but Sunil and I are supposed
to be having lunch shortly.
Sure, I can't eat, but I can
drink in his beautiful eyes.
Why do the ghosts always
want to date my family?
I'm not sure lunch is
such a great idea, Hetty.
JAY: Yes. It's a terrible idea.
Sunil's in a very fragile state.
And it's not gonna go anywhere
because you've been dead for 150 years.
Oh, Jay. Never talk about
how long a lady's been dead.
Come on, it's just lunch,
Jay. Let her live a little.
The ghosts are saying you
should let me live a little.
Ooh, that's fun. I feel like Samantha.
I'm sorry, I'm with Jay. What
good could come from this?
HETTY: What good?
You forget that I have never
been on a proper date before.
I was part of a land deal because I was
the only non-mustachioed sister.
Also, you're worried
about Sunil being fragile.
Don't you think it
would hurt his feelings
if Hetty just didn't
show up to the lunch?
Yeah. This guy's only
recently back out there.
That would be devastating.
Listen to the virgin.
He is an expert on pain and rejection.
I was backing you up.
- Wait, who's a virgin?
- Sasappis.
You mean like when he was alive?
We don't have to talk about this!
It doesn't matter. Jay,
maybe the ghosts are right.
It seems like it's
really important to Hetty.
Please, Jay. It's just one lunch,
and it would mean the world to me.
Man, it's harder to say no to them
when you can see them and hear them.
This is what I've been telling you.
PETE: Which is why, if you
want to suck the hard candy,
you have to do so directly
from Carol's fingers.
So, that about wraps up
orientation. Any questions?
Yes, mate. How do we watch the telly
if we can't actually press the buttons?
I'm not much of a TV man, myself.
I prefer books. Long ones.
No pictures.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
So, the rumors are true,
we have a new ghost on
the property. Welcome.
I'm Lieutenant Colonel Nigel Chessum.
Name's Chris. Good to meet you.
Your tattoo.
That wouldn't be the skull
of a Pachycephalosaurus,
- would it?
- Whoa!
Good eye. Look who knows their dinos.
Just breathe, man. Stay cool.
What about you, Nige? You
got a favorite dinosaur?
Oh, I would have to say Spinosaurus.
He is, after all, the fastest swimmer
I like Spinosaurus!
Okay, are-are you a dino-man as well?
I'm the dino-man.
Nigel's only into dinosaurs
because I was into dinosaurs.
Isaac, don't.
No, you know what? To hell with it.
Enough games, Chris.
You know that empty chair
you were dancing for?
That was me.
We exchanged a series
of sensual and erotic
Dilophosaurus clicks.
And not only that.
Our connection opened my eyes.
Sorry. Our connection?
Yes! We both love dinosaurs
and hate Alexander Hamilton.
And my ghost power is a fart smell.
And you lack the ability to smell.
My point is, we are soulmates!
And fortune has shined upon us
- in the form of your untimely death!
- Okay.
- I need some air.
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
- Okay. But we're soulmates.
Soulmates!
Oof, that was tough to watch.
And I once watched a bear
eat my corpse. [CHUCKLES]
The cubs were cute,
though, when they joined in.
[GNAWING]
[SNARLS]
SUNIL: You know, I never asked.
Where do you live?
Nearby.
Quite nearby.
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh! Excuse me.
You know, you haven't
taken your phone out once.
You are so present.
Yeah, my ex was always on hers,
taking selfies and
photos of her smoothies.
Hmm. Exes.
Mine was always bedding the maid
and monopolizing the local rail system.
[CHUCKLES] Sounds like
an old-timey robber baron.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, but he wasn't.
- That puts that to bed.
- Good save, Hetty.
SUNIL: This is so nice.
I love that we met organically.
Yeah, no texting or swiping.
Truthfully, I detest
the modern dating scene.
Yeah, maybe I was born
in the wrong century.
[CHUCKLES]
I know exactly what you mean.
Aw, they're bonding.
I am rooting for these two.
Are your lamb chops okay?
You haven't touched them.
Oh, I ate one.
- You did?
- HETTY: Mm-hmm.
When you were on your phone.
Where's the bone?
I consumed it.
Waste not, want not.
You truly are one of a kind, Hetty.
- And he bought it.
- [LAUGHS]
I don't know what the endgame is,
but God love you, you
are pulling it off.
Isaac, I've come to apologize.
I feel as though I may have
played a part in your
Implosion?
It's a word I've heard bandied about.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Look.
Later on, Chris and
I got to chat further,
and we got to know
each other a little bit,
and dare I say, we hit it off.
What do you mean, "hit it off"?
Well, to make a long story very short,
we smooched.
It wasn't quite a snog,
but it was certainly more than a peck.
I didn't want you to
hear it from someone else.
Hmm. A smooch, huh?
You must be quite elated.
I don't need to tell you these
last few months have been difficult,
but maybe this is the light
at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.
And it's just nice to have
a little bit of hope again.
That was a thing that was
in very short supply of late for me.
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
And those pecs, my God. [CHUCKLES]
He can make them dance at will.
And when you press on his chest,
your hands don't go in.
They stop against it, like marble.
I think this conversation
has run its course.
SUNIL: I mean, I watched The Gilded Age,
- but you truly know a lot about that era.
- Mm.
I had no idea Mamie Fish
had such loose morals.
Oh, she was a two-bit ankle whore.
There wasn't a gentleman in Newport
who hadn't seen those sock puppies.
Okay, and you know this how?
I read that on the Internet,
which is something that a lot of people
who are currently alive do.
Hetty, I really have
had such a great time
getting to know you.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I don't want it to end.
Where is this going?
This is crazy,
but what if we met
up again next weekend?
We could go to Newport,
tour the mansions.
[STAMMERS] I, of course, am flattered
I just don't think we
should rush into things.
But doesn't it feel good to rush in?
All that ankle talk got
him all hot and bothered.
The man truly is a throwback.
Let others play games
while we seize the moment.
♪
[GASPS]
- What's wrong?
- I just
I can't do this.
- Oh, Hetty
- [GASPS]
What the ?
Yeah, he's gonna think that's weird.
Excuse me.
And that's not helping.
I really have enjoyed our time together.
I'm sorry.
[SCREAMS]
HETTY: Samantha, something
terrible happened with Sunil.
Oh, no, Hetty said something
terrible happened with Sunil.
- I can hear her.
- This is so confusing.
He tried to kiss me and
I walked through a door.
Tale as old as time.
I told you this was a bad idea.
[SMACKS LIPS] Poor Sunil.
He's just trying to get back out there,
and the dating world is weird
enough as it is, and now this?
Jay, you're not gonna Aah!
Oh you okay, bud?
- Sunil
- Stop.
What are you?
I'm Hetty Woodstone.
I built this mansion
and died here in 1895
on this very property.
What are you saying?
I'm a ghost.
Oh, my God.
A ghost?!
That's a lot to process
because as a normal person,
I don't believe in ghosts.
We just thought you were a paying guest.
[SIGHS] What a bummer. And scary.
Sunil, I know I should
have told you sooner,
but I, too, didn't want our time to end.
And I-I just want to thank you.
For the first time in a long time,
maybe ever, I feel seen.
- Aw.
- I mean, there was this
casual thing with another ghost,
but that was mostly physical
and sort of a rebound, actually,
from a washing machine
- You got to get this thing back on track, Hetty.
- HETTY: The point is,
I will cherish our time together.
I know you feel out of
step with the modern world,
but please remember that a wonderful man
never goes out of style.
Those are wise words, Sunil.
Don't be so scared that
you forget those wise words.
You will find someone worthy
who appreciates you.
And is alive and can touch stuff.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Sunil.
- Oh!
- [EXCLAIMS] Oh, my God! The wall!
[SCREAMS] Ghosts are real!
Awesome work, guys. Way to sell it.
CHRIS: Oi, mate!
Hey, Ice.
How you going?
ISAAC: Where did you come from?
- You won't believe what happened.
- What the hell was that?
Well, I was mucking about with my chute,
trying to figure out why it didn't open,
and then, poof!
Off I went.
Reckon it's my ghost power.
I'm sorry, flying is your ghost power?
Yeah, and it seems like
I can go anywhere I want.
Sort of a Mary Poppins situation.
Oh, and that ghost
boundary Pete was on about,
it doesn't seem to
apply when I'm airborne.
[LAUGHS] Of course it doesn't.
- So I guess I'll be going, then.
- Wait, what do you mean?
You're leaving?
Yeah, yeah, big footy match
in Melbourne this weekend.
I'm gonna watch it from the pitch.
But what about Nigel?
- Who?
- The British fellow
with whom you've grown close.
He's gonna feel so
rejected. Again.
Ah! Right. Nigel.
Good, good bloke. But, you know,
I got the whole wide
world out there, so
[INHALES] Look, give him my regards.
Well, yes, but Well, that is me gone.
Hang in there, Ice. [CLICKS TONGUE]
♪
One minute till midnight.
Well, here we are.
These may very well be my
final few moments on this plane.
We're gonna miss you, Hetty.
I can't believe you're
turning into a leprechaun.
It's so sad.
JAY: I want to thank you, Hetty,
even though I can't believe
another one of my family members
- fell in love with a ghost.
- Hmm.
I think you gave Sunil the
confidence to not settle.
And at the very least,
it is good to know that
oh, how do you say
it I've still got it.
SASAPPIS: Ten seconds.
- Goodbye, Jay.
- See you later, Hetty.
Till next St. Patrick's Day.
Perhaps. If that's how this works.
SASAPPIS: And it's midnight.
Well, what's happening?
Am I gone?
I can still see you.
It can't be. It wasn't just for one day?
I am visible?
To everybody?
[LAUGHING]: I am the most
powerful ghost in the whole world.
Tier One! Tier One
And she's gone.
Oh, that's right, this
clock was a bit off.
Damn it.
Higgintoot, have you seen Chris?
We had plans to walk around the pond.
I've looked all around, but
I can't seem to find him.
Nigel, I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, but Chris left.
- What do you mean, he left?
- Yes.
I was right there when it happened.
He [CLICKS TONGUE]
He what?
He got sucked off, Nigel.
- Really?
- Yep.
The white light. The going
up. The whole shebang.
But he just got here.
What? How did it happen?
Well, actually, um, he
was talking about you
and how you two connected.
And up he went.
Meeting you must have been
exactly what he needed.
I see. I won't lie, I shall miss him.
But my time with Chris
has given me hope.
Good things can happen.
Like a wonderful man
falling to his death
right out of the clear blue sky.
Indeed.
Hey, maybe Sam can bring
him back next Halloween.
With one of those seances.
I can't think of a reason why not.
Well, see you around.
[FAKE CHUCKLE] Eh, that's
next year's problem.