Gilmore Girls s04e16 Episode Script

- Don't tell me this is what it looks like.
|- It's escargot.
- That's what it looks like.
|- Snails? Escargot.
- Slimy thing by any other name|- They taste like garlic and butter.
Don't say "they.
"|Food should not have pronouns.
- Give it a try.
|- But if I do and we're having road kill|for the main course then I'll have used up my allotment|of gross-out food for the day.
So I'll abstain.
We should strike escargot off the list|of Friday-night dinner foods.
Sweetie loved escargot.
That's funny,|how we remember those things.
Sweetie? - Sweetie who?|- Sweetie Nelson, one of my oldest friends.
- She passed away yesterday.
|- I'm sorry, Grandma.
- I've heard you mention her.
|- Was she sick? She'd been ill for some time, but still - The family is pretty overwhelmed.
|- Davis called late today.
- The funeral is Sunday.
|- Was that her real name, Sweetie? No, her name was Melinda.
|Sweetie was a nickname.
- Why?|- What do you mean, why? How did they get Sweetie from Melinda? They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda.
|Sweetie is a nickname.
Yes, I know Sweetie is a nickname but usually a nickname comes|from a version of your name or there's a story behind the name.
She was sweet.
That's the story.
- Okay.
|- She had a very sweet nature.
What kind of story did you want, Lorelai? That's fine.
She was sweet.
|They called her Sweetie.
It's a good story.
No, really, what kind of story about|my departed friend would amuse you? - It's not to amuse me-|- All right, fine.
Sweetie's father was a very poor man.
So poor that Sweetie|and her four siblings all had to sleep|in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough|for their parents.
One winter, there was no food,|so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk wrapped her feet in newspaper and walked 40 miles in the snow|to the nearest town where she stumbled into a candy store.
The owner took pity on her|and gave her bags of candy a dill pickle,|and drove her back to her family.
He promptly offered a job to her father,|who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most|important candy emporiums in the world.
That is how she got the name Sweetie.
|There, how was that? Now, that was a pretty good story.
I'm sorry, Emily,|did you say the funeral is Sunday? Yes.
Is that a problem? Mr.
Hamoto is in town,|and Jason has set up golf for him and then there's lunch after that.
- What time is the service?|- Noon.
Noon, that's cutting it very close.
How important is it|for me to be at the funeral? - Not important at all.
|- Fine, then.
Be sure to give them my condolences.
Of course.
Eat your food.
- I think one of them is still alive.
|- Lorelai.
No, seriously.
He was over near the radish, like,|five minutes ago.
- This doesn't smell right.
|- Smells fine, Kirk.
- I think the eggs were bad.
|- The eggs are fine.
Were they cooked in the fish pan? They smell like they were cooked|in the fish pan.
The eggs were cooked in the egg pan.
Was the fish pan next to the egg pan,|because perhaps- - I need something with cheese.
|- Lorelai, smell my eggs.
Not today, Kirk.
Where's Luke? I want him to make|that breakfast quesadilla thing.
- Luke's not here.
|- Where is he? He knows|the exact right jack-to-cheddar ratio.
- He's out there.
Over there with Nicole.
|- Looks like a serious talk.
There have been zero light moments.
I wish I knew|what they were talking about.
I can tell you what they're saying.
- How?|- I read lips.
My girlfriend taught me.
It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going|at the same time.
She just said,|"Hardwood Sponge is the authority "of the hostile biographer.
" Then he responded,|"Just phone cords to original samovars.
" - That doesn't make any sense.
|- Must mean they're on to us.
- They've switched to code.
|- I don't think they're speaking in code.
Luke's heading back.
|He just got up and said, "Feel your taters".
Is it possible he said, "I'll see you later"? - No, I'm pretty sure about this one.
|- Kirk, I'm so sorry.
We accidentally made the eggs|in the fish pan.
I don't know why everybody in this town|always thinks I'm crazy.
- You've got to be kidding.
|- I certainly am not kidding.
This is serious.
It's not plagiarism.
Do you also like to shout "fire"|in a crowded theater? This is a newsroom.
- Don't use the "p" word.
|- Every word in my piece - was written by me.
|- Was it? Look at this.
"Small band of followers.
"Rain-soaked highway.
" - I've seen both before.
|- Of course you've seen them before.
Those are phrases used to talk about a small band of followers|or a rain-soaked highway.
They're not even clichés like|"shouting 'fire' in a crowded theater".
Can you say "Stephen Glass"? The entire climate of journalistic ethics|is under a microscope right now.
We can't afford anything that looks shady.
I'd rather not have|Tobey Maguire playing me in a movie about the "Yale Daily News" scandal,|thanks very much.
I get that.
But I don't think|my "rain-soaked highway" looks shady.
Typical.
It's your attitude.
- What attitude?|- Look around this room.
People writing their anthro papers|on our computers.
People Xeroxing phone bills|on our copy machines.
No one's running, no one's sweating.
Every person in this room|looks extremely well-rested.
No one spell-checks or fact-checks.
This is the breeding ground|for the next Jayson Blair.
Fix it.
And tidy up your desk! And my month is up.
- What?|- You're the new dog to kick around here.
I feel bad, 'cause you tend|to be a pretty decent person but my nose has been whacked|with a paper so many times it almost makes me miss my mother.
- Doyle's just in a bad mood.
|- "Herd mentality"? - Are you freaking kidding me?|- Welcome to the dollhouse.
Michel, come on,|we've got to get into these budgets.
Now.
- Does the red light mean it's programmed?|- I explained it a hundred times.
You've been setting that machine|for 20 minutes now.
- The man can't live without his dog show.
|- I could just kill my cable provider.
"No Westminster dog show "but enjoy "Charlie's Angels.
Full Throttle"|24 hours a day.
" There, it's recording.
- Get over here.
|- I just want to see the chows.
Look at that one strut.
You know you're a pretty girl, don't you? Yes, with those I-need-some-loving eyes.
Is he doing tricks? It sounds like they're turning them.
Hello.
- Lorelai, it's me.
Do you have a moment?|- Sure.
- Your grandmother.
She's gone.
|- What? Last night.
She had a heart attack.
|The maid found her in the morning.
But I didn't even know her heart|was a thing.
- Was her heart a thing? Did we know that?|- No, it was quite unexpected.
- There wasn't any warning at all.
|- But we just saw her.
I know.
It's a complete shock.
How is Dad? He's completely fallen apart.
From the moment he heard the news,|he's been almost incoherent.
He's in his office now with the Scotch,|and he wants turtleneck soup.
- Asks for it over and over.
|- What's turtleneck soup? Apparently something his mother used|to have made for him when he was a little boy.
|Now he wants some and I can't seem to find anybody|who has any idea what it is.
All right, the pugs are up next.
|They're ugly.
Let's do this.
- Heart attack Grandmother.
|- What? Dead grandmother, Michel.
|Mom, have you looked on the Internet? For turtleneck soup.
You could Google it.
- Can I "Google it"?|- Okay, never mind.
Do you have any idea|what turtleneck soup could be? Mock turtle soup? - Think he means mock turtle soup?|- Maybe that's what he said.
- Is there such a thing?|- I think so.
Can you make mock turtle soup? I never tried, but I think|I have a recipe for it somewhere here.
Mom, Sookie's tracking down the soup.
|What else can I do? Nothing.
If you can find the soup,|that'll be enough.
- You'll tell Rory?|- Yeah, I'll tell Rory.
All right, I have to go.
Your grandmother|left very specific instructions on exactly how she wants her funeral|to be, so I have a hundred things to do.
I'll be there with the soup as soon as I can.
- All right.
Goodbye.
|- Bye.
I'm gonna have to go.
No problem.
One huge vat|of mock turtle soup coming up.
- Do you need a hug?|- Thanks, I'm okay.
I have to call Rory.
- You'll call me when the soup's ready?|- I'm on it.
I have to go.
Michel, you'll take care of the papers|and the landscaping plans? - Yes, I will.
Go, go.
|- Okay, purse, coat, keys.
I'm gone.
- Michel?|- Yes.
I think I'll take that hug now.
- A little weird, huh?|- Extremely.
- Heart in the right place, but never again?|- Thank God.
Yes, I understand the Reverend's retired.
|You said that four times.
But my mother-in-law specifically|requested him for the service.
Isn't there any forwarding information? - I got the soup.
|- I will hold while you look.
Thank god.
He's in his study.
Take that in to him|and see if you can get him to eat.
Yes, I'm still here.
Miraculous, isn't it?|A phone number.
How - Hey, Dad.
|- Lorelai? Yeah I have something for you.
|Mock turtle soup.
- Mock turtle soup?|- Sookie made it.
Mock turtle soup.
Soup's gone.
No soup here.
Who mentioned soup?|This is definitely a no-soup zone.
- The music's nice.
|- She loved Kay Kyser.
She wasn't really a musical woman.
|Music was a little frivolous for her.
But Kay Kyser.
Yeah.
She's great.
Kay Kyser's a man.
His parents|had an ugly sense of humor, then.
Boy.
She was a saint.
The woman was a saint.
Here, Dad.
I learned everything from that woman.
"Life is a battle.
"And you either enter it armed|or you surrender immediately.
" That is what she told me|on my tenth birthday.
I never forgot that.
No, no one was as strong as that woman.
That wonderful woman that saint of a woman.
Dad.
I'm fine.
I just have to deal with this - regret.
|- What regret, Dad? You and Gran were so close.
The last words we exchanged,|we exchanged in anger.
But, Dad, that's I lost my temper, and I was disrespectful.
And that's the way it ended.
With an argument and hateful words.
Dad, you know, that was one little fight.
One little fight between you and Gran|doesn't wipe away years of- That woman raised me,|and she taught me.
And she took care of the family,|even after Father died.
And I spoke to her|as if I owed her nothing.
As if she was like anyone else|in the world and not the saint of a woman|that she was.
- Dad.
|- You only have one set of parents, Lorelai.
Remember that.
I forgot.
Now I have to live with that|for the rest of my life.
- You mentioned soup.
|- What? - When you came in.
|- Yes, soup.
I have soup.
Mom mentioned that you were talking|about mock turtle soup.
- You really should eat something, dad.
|- I need a spoon.
Yes.
I'll get you a spoon.
You just sit right there.
|I'll be right back with your spoon.
But it used to be Martelli's Florist, yes? Okay, do you have any idea|where Martelli's moved to? Before he died,|did Mr.
Martelli pass his trade on to any of the other Martellis? - Yes, I'll hold.
How is he doing?|- He needs a spoon.
- He's going to eat?|- He's going to eat.
Thank God.
Take an apple.
See if you can get him to eat an apple.
|I'm here.
Yes, I will take|the simple stepson's number.
Thank you.
I will speak slowly.
Thank you.
Not that one.
And take some bread, too.
- How are the arrangements coming?|- She made them 20 years ago.
So the reverend is retired,|the florist has moved and two of the pallbearers are not with us.
Luckily both had sons who look like them,|so I think we can get away with it.
- I'll bring this stuff to Dad.
|- I'll call the florist's idiot stepson.
Emily.
I'm right here, Richard.
What's wrong? This is outrageous.
|They've completely ruined it.
- Who ruined what?|- Trix's obituary.
The "Courant" just faxed it through.
|It's disgraceful.
I'll sue them.
Just calm down.
"Lorelai Gilmore died this week at age 86.
"A member|of the prominent Gilmore family "and widow of Charles Abbott Gilmore "she is survived by a son,|Richard Gilmore "and numerous other family members|and devoted friends.
" - It's-|- It's an insult.
That's all they write? Nothing about her charity work,|or her collecting, or her travels? Not a word about the new maternity wing|she donated to St.
Joseph's! You tell me|where all of the fine people of Hartford are supposed to have all their babies,|if it weren't for my mother.
Tell me that! Calm down.
We will take care of it.
She was a saint, that woman.
We will make sure it says "saint"|somewhere in the article.
- You're sure?|- Don't worry, Dad.
Because it's very wrong! - Dad, I got your spoon.
|- I'm not hungry.
Wonderful.
Yet another thing|I have to take care of.
Mom, why don't you|let me help out a little? I'm happy to do it.
|I'll bring coffee, a Danish.
You've never had so much fun|with death in your life.
I appreciate the offer,|but I have it all under control.
I should probably take off, then.
- Goodbye.
Thank Sookie for me.
|- I will.
Hello, I'm looking for Manny Martelli.
What time do you expect him back|from the science-fiction convention? Yes.
Hold on a minute, please? I have to go to Gran's house tomorrow,|to sort through her papers.
Two cherry Danish coming up.
I would like to leave a message.
- Hello?|- It's me.
Nigella just made a raisin cake|that looked so good the fact that raisins make me gag|became totally irrelevant.
Good, more ordering choices.
My God,|she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar.
I want to move in with her|and call her Mommy.
Do you mind? - Honey, I have to tell you something.
|- You sound sad.
Yeah, Gran died.
- What? When?|- Last night.
She had a heart attack.
- Are you okay?|- How's Grandpa? - He's been better.
|- What should I do? - Can I do something?|- No, it's all taken care of.
- When's the funeral?|- Friday, and there's a wake after.
- I don't remember if you have a class.
|- Doesn't matter.
I'll make it work.
- I was just getting to know her.
|- I think you got a pretty good snapshot.
Shouldn't I be crying?|I feel like I should be crying.
- You didn't know her that well.
|- Still, she was my great-grandmother.
I mean, I should feel more.
|God, what if I don't cry at the funeral? Then everyone will see I'm not crying,|and Grandpa will be upset.
Honey, if you can't cry,|you can work yourself up into a very respectable panic attack.
- It might have to do.
|- You're an amazing kid.
She was so lucky to have you|as a great-granddaughter.
Do you want me to come by tonight pick you up, take you to Tijuana,|get you drunk and laid? That's okay.
I've got work to do.
Okay, call me if you want to talk|or whatever.
I will.
- I love you, hon.
|- I love you, too, Mom.
This looks like, what a shock,|another incoherent legal document.
Hand it to me.
"House insurance policy.
" Hand it to me.
Mom, seriously,|I can do more than just hand you stuff.
That's all right.
I have a system.
Yes.
You don't think I can work|within the system, but I can.
I have no plans to overthrow the system.
|Just teach me the system.
Just hand me some papers.
Emily, we finished cataloging|the second floor and we're about to move to the third.
And we have bubble-wrapped|those bar glasses.
- Where do you want us to put them?|- In the trunk of my car along with the candlesticks.
- My keys are in the foyer.
|- All right.
- What was that about?|- I'm preparing for the funeral.
Stashing bar glasses is preparing|for the funeral? Those bar glasses are supposed|to stay in the family.
They go to us, then to you.
Every time a certain relative|of your father's comes to visit things tend to disappear.
Dad's got a Winona in the family?|How cool.
Who is it? His cousin Marilyn.
She has been systematically pilfering|those bar glasses for the last five years.
I saw her eyeing the candlesticks|last Easter.
I'll be damned if I let her get them.
So much to do.
Did I tell you|about the burial-cremation clause? Now you're just making stuff up.
Your grandmother|is to have an open-casket ceremony displayed in all her glory,|then is to be cremated and have her ashes divided in two.
Half to be buried with her husband|in the family crypt and the other half to be put in an urn|and placed on our mantelpiece.
Half of Gran is going to be|on your mantel forever.
Staring at me, judging me,|disapproving of me.
Apparently it's the top half.
When I first found out, I almost had|a coronary, but I've accepted it.
From now on,|it's a three-person household your father, me and her urn.
You know, it's so weird.
|I know so little about Gran.
- What was her maiden name?|- Gilmore.
- No, her maiden name.
|- Gilmore.
Wait.
You're not saying - She and Charles were second cousins.
|- What? Don't act so scandalized.
It was not at all uncommon|for prominent families to keep the bloodlines close.
- Is that what we're calling it?|- What would you call it? How about "Good Morning, Appalachia? "I got a mighty cute sister,|and an extra set of toes.
" - No one has any extra toes.
|- I have a double-jointed thumb.
Remarkable.
Use it to hand me|some more papers, please.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand|how everyone was so okay with this.
What, did they just go: "What a cute couple.
|They look so much alike"? - Mom?|- This is to your father.
It's a carbon copy of a letter|she sent to your father.
That's nice.
"My dearest Richard,|it is with heavy heart "that I write you this letter tonight "but I cannot stand by|and let you make a terrible mistake.
"Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed "you would come|to the same conclusion I have.
"But you have not.
"Therefore I feel it is my duty,|as your mother "to beg you to reconsider|your impending marriage.
"I'm sure that Emily "is a very suitable woman for someone,|but not for you.
"She will not be able to make you happy.
"She does not have the Gilmore stamina|or spark.
"She is simply not a Gilmore.
" Sure, because you weren't directly related|to him.
"I don't know the circumstances|surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn "but it's still my belief "that she is much better suited for you|than Emily.
"I know the timing of this "is particularly awkward,|since you are to be married tomorrow.
" No way! "But your happiness is too important|to me "so timing be damned.
" She wanted Dad to leave you at the altar.
She begged him to leave me at the altar! She begged him in writing,|and then she saved the carbons! - Holy moly! Can I see that?|- I can't believe this.
I'm standing here in her basement,|covered in dust.
I'm organizing her estate|and cataloging her things.
I've been on the phone for days,|trying to make sure everything was exactly the way|she wanted it and all this time|she never even wanted me in her family! Man, she sure used|a lot of exclamation points.
That's just fine, because I am done.
Done? I'm done planning, running around,|and calling people.
I'm done with that woman.
- But Dad-|- Skipped my best friend's funeral to golf - that's what your dad did!|- We have to plan this funeral.
Find a box, throw her in, we're done! Better yet, throw the old harpy's carcass|in a ditch! Let a wolverine eat her.
Okay, but, see,|finding a wolverine near a ditch - that takes planning.
|- Do whatever you want.
I'm having a drink.
|Would you like a drink? I can't do it, Mom.
|I don't know the system.
- Bank info?|- Hand it to me.
- I cannot believe that story.
|- Yeah, trust me the Brothers Grimm were in the corner,|yelling, "No way".
- And she just walked out?|- Yep.
- Jewelry appraisal?|- Hand it to me.
- Why don't you tell me where to put it?|- No, because I have a system.
That letter sounds awful.
- It was.
|- And really cruel.
So cruel, so completely cruel|that I'm wondering if Gran didn't know|Mom was gonna find it.
Stop.
It's too mean.
I don't wanna think|there's that meanness in my genes.
I don't want to inherit that.
Who knows what we've inherited|from that woman.
- Count your toes lately?|- What are you talking about? I've been saving the best for last.
Do you know|what Gran's maiden name was? - What?|- Gilmore.
Grandpa Charles was her second cousin.
- No.
|- Yes.
What does that mean about us? What if that's caused, like,|a horrible genetic mutation that hasn't shown up yet? - Our eyes.
|- We each have two of them.
I thought it was neat|that our eyes look similar but now I don't know.
- Is it creepy?|- I don't know, is it? I think it's creepy.
Okay, just hand me some more stuff.
|Stop staring at my eyes.
Come on.
What else do you have to do? I haven't tracked down|this Reverend Wilder yet I got some mysterious message|from the place that made her headstone.
So I have to go see about that.
|Then there's just the random stuff.
- What random stuff?|- For instance Gran requested|she be buried in fresh clothing.
- What is fresh clothing?|- I don't know.
Clean clothing? Clothes fresh from the cleaners?|New clothes? Clothes with a mountain-fresh scent? - I think it's new clothing.
|- It's safest, isn't it? So add that to the list with the headstone.
|Then there's the obituary.
What about the obituary? The paper wrote something,|but Dad thinks it's not good enough so I have to rewrite|her death announcement.
I should let Mom do it.
|I believe it would go, "Yay".
Can I do it? I want to help.
We have access to a database|at the Yale paper that would make it easy to research.
- Honey, that would be great.
Thank you.
|- My pleasure.
I just feel really bad for Grandpa,|losing his mother.
- They were really close.
|- Yeah.
It's sad.
Gran and her husband|had the same great-grandfather.
Try not to think about it.
Hello? Mom, Dad? Look at all this stuff.
Mom, are you here? - In the living room, Lorelai.
|- Yeah.
Where's the maid? You got a condolence moat|going on out here.
I told Hilda to take the day off.
|Nothing's happening here.
I think every delivery boy in town|would beg to differ.
What? Oh, those.
|Just put those anywhere.
I have to read|The Crimson PetaI and the White for my book club.
Sookie, what a pleasant surprise.
|What are you doing here? I brought Sookie so she could check|the equipment for the wake.
- Who the hell are you?|- I'm so sorry, Emily.
- About what?|- About Richard's mother dying.
Are you? - Would you like a cigarette?|- No, thank you.
Well, then.
More for me.
I think she broke.
- Mom, what's going on?|- I'm just gonna go to the kitchen.
- Mom!|- Lorelai, please, I'm reading.
- Okay.
|- If you're going by the bar - my drink could use a little freshening up.
|- You're drink is fresh enough.
And put that cigarette out! - Hi, Jason.
|- I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Yeah, the white rabbit ran by.
I chased him, fell down a hole,|and here I am.
- So how's everybody doing?|- Dad's a mess and Mom starts work|at the truck stop next week.
- Are you holding up?|- I am.
Thanks for asking.
- It's what I'm here for.
|- Really? No.
I have to get your father's signature|on some papers.
- Mom, where's Dad?|- How the hell do I know? - Boy, she sounds really upset.
|- He's probably in his study.
- Okay, thanks.
|- Careful.
- Jason.
|- Richard, I am so sorry to hear Who was that at the door? It was Jason.
|Dad needs to sign something.
Why don't I start putting some|of these baskets away? Whatever.
Then maybe I could start writing|some thank-you notes.
Fine.
I think there's some Post-its|in the kitchen.
Mom I know how hurt you are.
That letter was terrible.
But there's still a lot of stuff|that has to get done.
I know.
You're right.
Say, I've got an idea.
Why don't you call Pennilyn Lott|and have her plan the funeral? She's the one that was supposed|to be planning it anyhow so I say let her do it.
Need something, Sookie? I was just wondering if it's okay to set up a buffet in the dining room? I don't know.
What do you think|Pennilyn Lott would do? Think she'd set it up in the dining room?|Because, personally I think we should just toss|some cheese cubes in the coffin stuff some toothpicks in her mouth,|and let the people go to town.
- Is she serious?|- The dining room's fine.
Good.
Excuse me.
- Did you see that hug?|- Yes, I saw the hug.
- It didn't end.
|- I know.
It was the hug that wouldn't end.
|And he was wearing a robe.
- Yes, apparently we're a robe family now.
|- And he was crying.
I am really bad at comforting people.
I say completely inappropriate things.
Bad jokes,|with words like "Nantucket" in them.
- Did you get what you needed?|- Yeah, thanks.
Then I guess|I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow? Yeah, about the actual funeral|I can't do funerals.
You have to do funerals.
|This was your partner's mother.
I understand, but funerals|have way too much emotion for me.
- The death and the hugging.
|- Are you serious? When I was 10,|my family went through a terrible period.
Once a month, somebody died.
|For a year, they were dropping like flies.
- It completely freaked me out.
|- Fine, don't come.
But you had better lie to my father|and tell him you did.
I am very comfortable|with that compromise.
- Give my condolences to your mother.
|- All right.
See you later.
That was Jason again.
He had to go.
- He wanted me to tell you hello for him.
|- Jason.
Your father loves that boy.
I know he does.
You know who else would love that boy?|Pennilyn Lott.
I'm gonna go get started|on those thank-you cards.
Remember to thank Pennilyn Lott|just for being Pennilyn Lott.
I'm almost done.
I promise|I'll get it to the paper this afternoon.
This is a really big help, my friend.
|I owe you.
No, it was really interesting.
I never knew all of these things|about Gran.
- Was the extra-toe thing in there?|- No but did you know|she took care of wounded soldiers that were shipped back here|during World War ll? She also studied at the Sorbonne|and at Oxford and met three presidents.
- Which ones?|- Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon.
There's this amazing picture|of her frowning at Nixon - like she knew he was up to something.
|- Really? She was some kind of something,|wasn't she? - Yes, she kind of was.
|- I just love that she wanted something I got to go.
Hi, Doyle.
Did you read the typo|in "The New York Times" today? - This is personal.
|- Yes, it is.
You're using newspaper resources|to work on something personal in direct defiance of what|I was warning about the other day.
- But this is different.
|- It is? - If I can just-|- Goodie.
Here comes the defense.
What'll it be?|"I'm looking something up for a friend.
"The professor didn't give me|enough time.
"I was just browsing through the archives,|and I got distracted.
" My grandmother is dead.
Oh, no.
Yes, she died two days ago, suddenly,|and we were close.
I'm just trying to give her an obituary that is fitting|for the great woman that she was.
- I didn't know.
|- You didn't ask.
My grandmother died in December,|and it was I'm still not over it.
|I know exactly what you're going through.
Keep going, please.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
And thank you.
- Last week, you know what I did?|- No.
I picked up the phone to call her.
|Isn't that sad? I actually forgot.
Then, of course, it hit me all over again.
- I hope that doesn't happen to you.
|- Me, too.
She smelled a little like coffee.
I still can't walk past any place|that makes coffee.
The girl I was dating was a barista.
|I had to break up with her.
We weren't that close.
|And it wasn't my grandmother.
It was my great-grandmother.
I dropped the "great"|to make the whole thing sound sadder.
I don't know anything about her,|until today.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just gonna pack up|and go straight to hell now.
My grandmother|was a very special woman.
She drove me to my prom and I'd be a poor man|if I'd never known her.
Finish the obituary.
- What?|- What? Everybody should get to know|their grandmother.
But it was her great-grandmother,|didn't you hear? You take Rory's piece|on the new parking rules, okay? My month lasts a month.
|Your month lasts three days.
Yes, sirree, folks, that is my life! - I don't want to talk now.
|- I want to talk about this right now! - I don't have time.
I have customers!|- Quit yelling at me.
I am trying to have a conversation.
Kirk, good, I've been-|What are we listening to? - Again?|- Yep.
- Who needs to order?|- I do.
Go ahead.
I'll have a chef's salad.
- Dressing?|- Oil and vinegar on the side.
Crackers or roll? - Get the crackers.
|- I'll have the- - What?|- Are you coming back? - I'm working.
|- We were having a discussion - and you just got up and left.
|- I thought we were done! I was in the middle|of the word "September.
" Okay, come on.
Go ahead.
- We were in the middle of a conversation!|- We were yelling.
It was a fight.
- We weren't yelling.
|- It felt like yelling.
- We won't yell.
We'll talk.
|- Fine, talk.
- What about you?|- You're the one who wanted to talk.
- Let's talk.
|- You don't want to talk? I don't have anything to say! Yeah.
Me either.
- Nicole.
|- What? You going back to our place? Our place? Our place.
Funny.
Dad, why are you answering the door? I heard it ring, so The maid's taken the day off again? I suppose so.
Rory, it's nice to see you.
- I'm so sorry, Grandpa.
|- Thank you, Rory.
- How are you?|- I'm having a devil of a time with this tie.
- You're not wearing any shoes.
|- What? Yeah, shoes.
- Dad, can't Mom help you with the tie?|- Yes.
I don't know where she's gotten to.
There are a lot of plans to make.
|Someone sent us four hams.
Can you imagine? Four hams.
- Mom, there you are.
|- Rory, you look very nice.
- I brought a dress to change into.
|- What you're wearing is fine.
Lorelai, here, I just finished reading.
|I think you'll really like it.
It's about this prostitute named Sugar,|in Victorian England.
She starts rising|through the ranks of society and she meets|these really vivid characters! You don't have to tell me|the whole story now.
I'm not giving anything away.
|It's all on the back.
Dad? Follow him.
|Point out doors and windows.
Got it.
Mom, you might want|to go get ready now.
Nonsense.
We have hours.
Want a drink?|Today I learned how to make mojitos.
Mom, today especially,|you might want to be early - since we're the ones throwing the funeral.
|- Fine.
There you go.
Go on upstairs.
|Put on a dress, a black dress.
- I got him to sit down.
|- Okay, pillow.
Soft.
Good.
- You're right, they're a little nutty.
|- Yeah, with extra nuts on top.
I have to check and make sure that Sookie's kitchen stuff|made it over here.
I have to call the airline,|make sure the Reverend got on the plane.
I have to check in with the headstone|Underwear.
- That took a turn.
|- My God.
I delivered Gran's clothes|to the funeral home but I forgot to include underwear.
- Gran's going commando?|- No, I'll have to go buy some.
- Wait a minute.
Who's going to know?|- I'll know.
Just stay here.
Keep an eye on your Grandpa.
|I'll be right back.
This whole section is our two-for-one sale.
- Listen.
|- Shannon.
Shannon, I need to buy something|for my grandmother.
- Any particular style?|- Something respectable, upstanding.
You got anything|that came over on the Mayflower? We have this whole line|of really terrific panties and they have a built-in tummy panel|that older women really love.
- Tummy panel sounds great.
|- What size is she? Size? She's tiny but strong.
She looks like she could take a punch.
But she wears these big dresses so who knows|what's going on under there.
I'm sorry, she wore big dresses.
She wore big dresses, 'cause she's dead.
Do you have any idea|what "fresh clothing" means? - No.
|- Neither do I.
I'm guessing it means new,|and that's why I'm here, because I have to do all the planning now,|because my mother found the note.
The stupid note.
Who writes a note like that|and keeps the carbon? - I don't-|- My grandmother, that's who my grandmother|who wants fresh clothing and a 4,000-year-old minister.
|And who wants to be cremated and put in a jar on top|of my mother's mantelpiece to sit up there and judge for all eternity.
I bet your family's looking|really great to you - right about now, huh?|- Yes, they are.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I'm just babbling.
I'm standing in underwire heaven,|just babbling like a crazy person.
I should just pick something because, I mean,|what difference does it make? She's dead.
You know, the woman is dead.
She can't tell what she's wearing|or who bought it for her.
She can't see the mess she's left behind so I'll just I'll take this.
- That's a small.
|- Hello.
She's dead.
The woman is dead.
She can't tell if it's the right size! She wanted fresh clothes,|and I'm here buying her fresh clothes.
So if she has a problem with the size|or the strawberry print then she can rise from the dead,|come back here, and yell at me herself.
Because you know what? If anyone could,|that tough, old, crazy, wonderful broad would be the one.
You take Visa, right? Okay, so, according to this,|we're almost home.
I just pull this through there,|which looks promising, and we're done.
Now you just do the final adjusting.
- That's not bad.
|- Fourth time's the charm.
Very handy little sheet.
|Where'd you get it? Off the Internet.
|You can find anything there.
Very nice.
Do you want to keep it, the diagram? I don't think I'll be needing it much|around the dorm.
In that case, I will.
Thank you, Rory.
All we need is your jacket and your shoes,|and you're ready.
Yes, I suppose so.
You know, the suit I wore|when we buried my father I was never able to wear it again.
It was brand-new, a very nice suit.
|Custom-made.
It was my first custom-made suit.
I told your grandmother|it didn't fit anymore but really I just didn't want to see it again.
I suppose this is going to be it|for this suit, too.
So I hear you're doing the eulogy? I'm her son.
- Are you gonna be okay doing that?|- I'll have to be, I suppose.
Because if you find yourself feeling unsteady about it, I can do it.
I did a lot of reading about Gran|for the obituary and I think I can do her justice.
- She had a life, didn't she?|- She really did.
I thank you for your offer but this is my responsibility.
I will be fine.
I'm sure you will.
However, if something happens,|and I find myself, let us say a tad more emotional than I would like I got your back, Grandpa.
Did you go shopping?|I've been sitting here waiting for you.
Thank you.
Thanks so much for coming.
- Appreciate it.
|- Nice job with the eulogy, Gilmore.
I've always found|that a well-tied bow tie can have a very steadying effect.
Richard, she was a hell of a lady.
I don't know what the hospital board|will do without her.
I appreciate both of you coming.
|Have you met my granddaughter, Rory? - No, I don't believe we have.
|- Nice to meet you, Rory.
Nice to meet you, too.
|I'm gonna go get a soda.
Excuse me.
- She's lovely, Richard.
|- Inside and out.
- How's he doing?|- Not bad.
He's holding it together.
Partly because all these people are here,|but I think he's doing better.
Good.
So what did you think of Gran's fabulous,|fresh clothing? - I thought it was very sophisticated.
|- Thank you.
But don't think, for a second,|that I didn't notice the Hello Kitty bracelet you put on her.
A little something special|from me and you, for all eternity.
So there she was dragging poor Charles around Egypt,|of all places.
The man detested sand.
So of course Lorelai wanted to go|and see the Pyramids right away.
He was dragging his feet.
|He wanted to go to the hotel.
He said, "Lorelai, those Pyramids|have been there for thousands of years "so they can wait another day.
" And she said,|"You didn't marry the Pyramids.
"You married me,|and I won't wait another hour.
" And she jumped on a camel|and rode away.
Dragged the camel's owner|behind her for over a mile.
Man almost died.
There she is.
Lorelai, come here.
Say hello to your father's favorite cousin.
- Hi, Marilyn.
|- Look at you.
You look just like your picture.
You know, your grandmother|had this picture of you right smack-dab|in the middle of her entryway.
You would walk in the door,|she would point to the picture and she would say,|"This is my granddaughter, Lorelai.
- "She's not married.
"|- That's a terrific story.
You are stunning.
|My God, tell me you're an idiot, I beg you.
I have my moments.
How's that? And you, miss,|am I possibly related to you also? Yes, this is my daughter, Rory.
It is a thrill to meet you both.
Horrible circumstances, I suppose.
|Anyway, angels, tell me when you were last over|at your grandmother's house did you possibly notice|some darling little bar glasses? Bar glasses? Crystal,|with this little gold-leaf pattern around? - No, I don't think so.
|- I was just wondering.
They weren't valuable, just sentimental.
I used to admire them as a small child.
Sure, what little kid doesn't have|a fascination with bar glasses? - If you ever do see them|- Yes, I'll let you know.
I'm sorry, I have to go check the caterer.
Go.
I can visit with Rory.
Okay.
I heard you talking about Gran|in Egypt.
She loved Egypt.
|Actually, she loved anyplace exotic.
Did she ever tell you about the time|she was stranded in Istanbul? No.
I actually didn't know her very well.
- That's a terrible shame.
|- I think so, too.
It was a lovely service.
|You did a wonderful job.
- Thank you.
|- It seems like we're hitting that age where we're going to be going|to a lot of these things.
Time to invest in a second black suit,|I suppose.
Excuse me.
|Bring my husband a Manhattan and make sure the "hors d'oeuvres"|start with him.
He has to eat something.
I think philosophy may be one|of my favorite subjects right now.
- Second cousin.
|- Got to go.
Wait, I'll come with you.
Reverend Wilder, hi.
Thank you so much for coming all the way from Florida|to be with us.
- Gran would have been so pleased.
|- Thank you.
I was happy to do it.
- And you are?|- I'm Lorelai Gilmore.
Didn't I just bury you? No, Reverend, I'm the one|who talked to you on the phone and I picked you up from the airport.
- Really?|- That was a different Lorelai.
This is her granddaughter.
|This is the reigning Lorelai.
How nice.
And who are you? This is Gran's niece, Marilyn.
You remember me|from when I was younger.
You married me to my first husband,|Theodore.
I did? It would be easier on all of us|if you can just pretend to remember.
That's probably a good idea.
How are you holding up? My feet are killing me.
How's the rest of you? The rest of me? The rest of me is fine.
You know, Mom,|she may have written that letter but he picked you.
I can't believe you wore those shoes|to a funeral.
I'm going|to go get a stuffed mushroom now.
Thank you again.
- Your tie is crooked.
Have you eaten?|- Yes.
Every five minutes, it seems a young man would show up at my side|with a tray of food.
- Your doing, I suppose.
|- Could be.
- There, that's better.
|- So, I've been thinking.
- Yes?|- I'm not so sure the mantel is the best place|for Gran's ashes.
- What?|- The ledge is too small.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
- But her wishes?|- Being buried with my father seems right.
Don't you agree? Whatever you want, Richard.
There she is, Aunt Lorelai,|already in her 70s, mind you and the blizzard has her trapped|in that old house for a week with no heat, no running water.
The local police finally came|and dug her out and handed her some hot tea.
|And you know what she does? First of all,|she complains that the tea is too hot.
Then she sends them a bill|for carpet cleaning because they tracked in snow.
So you ditched the cousin? Yeah, we ran into a sister,|and how could I compete? Sure.
How are you doing? I'm feeling sadder about Gran,|but feeling sadder is making me feel less guilty|about not feeling sad.
- So things are looking up.
|- Good.
So, apparently,|I am now the reigning Lorelai.
- I guess you are.
|- It's a lot of responsibility.
It's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays,|declaring knighthoods opening supermarkets, but now and then you get to banish someone|or pose for a stamp.
Neat.
And coins.
Someday you'll be the reigning Lorelai.
- I don't like that idea.
|- Why not? You get a cape.
Because if I'm the reigning Lorelai,|that means you'll be gone.
Gone? No, not me.
|I'll step down way before that.
I'm not gonna pull|a Queen Elizabeth on you make you wait around forever force you to develop interests in polo|and architecture.
- I am scared of horses.
|- I know that.
So there's a cape, huh? English