Magnum, P.I. (1980) s04e16 Episode Script
The Return of Luther Gillis
No! Are you telling me we're not staying here? Yes.
l forgot my loincloth and spear.
Will you just keep quiet? The last time you were here some poor guy tried to hang himself because you wouldn't shut up! lf he so much as touches one hair on her head, l'm gonna kill him.
Let me have Blanche and the butler guy, and we'll call it even.
l'm gonna kill you.
[yelling.]
Harder, harder! [women yelling.]
[screaming.]
(Luther) Welcome to St.
Louis.
Maybe it ain't the best of towns but it ain't the worst, either.
So what if the football team and the baseball team got to share the same nickname? Who cares? I call it home.
Name's Gillis, Luther.
Private Eye.
I don't work out of town much anymore.
I mean, there was one recent trip to Hawaii, but that don't really count.
It was peaches and cream compared to the one I just wrapped up.
I'm talking about big-city loan sharking, extortion and racketeering.
And except for one little loose end I was ready to head back to the office and call it a day.
But I wasn't sure what was louder the sound of my wingtips on the cobblestone or this nagging feeling in my gut that I should've taken care of that loose end.
But like I said, who cares? My secretary, Blanche, and my dumbo nephew, Jack wanted me to get back early.
Said they had a big surprise for me.
And I didn't have the heart to tell them I hate surprises.
Gillis.
[Luther groaning.]
So much for surprises and loose ends.
[grunting.]
[Jack whistles.]
Okay, freeze! No, no.
You're gonna be sorry.
Never, never say ''freeze.
'' The only place you hear that word is on television.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
Sorry.
Sorry? You're always sorry.
Here l go, l take you in from that lousy brother of mine l give you a job, despite the fact you got a college diploma and what do you do? l disappoint you.
And you say ''freeze.
'' l'm sorry.
Can l go to the hospital now? ln a minute.
[siren wailing.]
Now, what's the big surprise you guys got in store for me? l'm gonna give you three guesses.
Can l go to the hospital? Someone died, someone got born, someone got married.
Who cares? Whatever.
What's it say? That we're gonna go on a long trip.
Kind of like a vacation, or a honeymoon.
Blanche, will you quit talking about Niagara Falls? lf l told you once, l told you-- We're not going to Niagara Falls.
lt says nothing about Niagara Falls! How about a hospital? (Blanche) lt says, that, ''you are cordially invited ''by the National Academy of Private lnvestigators ''to their 1 7th annual convention ''to receive a Golden Keyhole Award ''for the best nonfiction book of the year ''You Want To Be A Private Eye? by Luther H.
Gillis.
'' Yadda, yadda, yadda.
''Personal and Confidential.
Top Secret.
'' So, don't tell nobody.
No kidding? Me? (Blanche) No kidding.
You.
Says you even got to make a speech.
So we were gonna take you out tonight and celebrate.
Jack was gonna wish us bon voyage and everything.
Boy, this is great! Never mind, l'll get a cab.
Where's this convention, Blanche? (Magnum) Maybe Hawaii isn't the most breathtaking place in the world but if it isn't, I don't know what is.
And even though big-league sports haven't come our way yet we have plenty of big-league sunsets to keep us going.
I call it home.
And home was where I was looking forward to being for all of next week.
After a real tough case on the Big Island [birds chirping.]
I was ready for some quiet R and R.
The only thing was, my little voice was telling me there was some little loose end I hadn't wrapped up.
If I was listening carefully enough perhaps I would have heard it.
Instead, I was hearing other music, namely a little Tchaikovsky and a lot of Tolstoy.
Yes, I was finally going to take the time and get through War and Peace.
Some people make New Year's resolutions to stop drinking or quit kicking their dog.
Me, I was finally going to conquer Russian romanticism.
Magnum.
l say, Magnum.
Magnum! Will you take them off? What? [yelling.]
Will you take them off? Why are you yelling at me? l'm not.
**[music playing on walkman.]
Magnum, we must have a talk at once.
What about? About this mail.
What about it? While l appreciate your retrieving it from the box l do not appreciate your leaving it under the chainsaw in the gardener's shed for the past five days.
That is not where l'm accustomed to going through the estate correspondence.
Higgins, l can explain.
l knew l could count on hearing that pathetic little phrase once again.
lt is as regular as the rising and setting of the-- Do you wanna know why or not? Not.
l just don't want it to happen again, and it won't happen again.
From now on, it will be the lads' duty, not yours.
Because of you, the whole financial pyramid that is my managing of the estate economy could come crashing down into a depression that would rival that of '29.
Liens, foreclosures.
Oh, my God.
A wedding, a birth, a death.
l'm sorry, Magnum, this apparently is addressed to you.
That's my mail? ''You are cordially invited by the National Academy of Private lnvestigators ''to their 1 7th annual convention to present a Golden Keyhole Award.
'' How droll.
''The Mauka Room of the Kalanianaole Hotel.
''Top Secret.
Personal and Confidential.
'' Higgins, give me my mail.
By the by, Magnum, do they tell you what the password is? All right, Higgins, enough.
l mean, who would wanna go to this silly thing anyway? lt's probably just a-- Mistake.
This telegram is obviously a follow-up explaining that.
All some terrible misunderstanding.
After all, how could they possibly want you? [Higgins snickering.]
[car horn honking.]
[whistling.]
(Luther and Blanche) Aloha! (Luther) lt's okay.
You say you didn't get the telegram till now? No harm done, l believe you.
Just tell us where you want us to wait till you get our rooms ready.
Calcutta.
Luther.
Luther, they said we couldn't stay here.
Of course we can stay here.
l mean when a guy l worked with, lay my keister on the line for takes me to the airport, buys me some macadamia nuts, puts me on a plane Luther.
and tells me with a straight face the next time l'm in Hawaii to look him up l'm talking about Tom 'You can come stay with me, pal' Magnum.
l never said that! lt doesn't matter.
l gave this address to the convention, we have to stay here.
l'm afraid that's impossible.
You see, Mr.
Masters is expecting the entire stewardess contingent of TransGlobal Airways flights 276 and 51 2 to be staying here next week.
That's okay.
They won't bother us.
That's not the point.
The point is you are not staying here.
Wait, wait.
l got to get this right.
l come all the way to Hawaii to get the biggest award of my career ''Top Secret,'' they tell me.
''Confidential.
'' Just let us know where you're staying ''We'll contact you,'' they say.
So, l give them the address of the only friend l have in Hawaii.
And this friend is telling me l'm not staying here? We'll get you another room.
We'll call them up.
[all chattering.]
[whistling.]
And what will Jack-- Shut up! All of you! Now, there isn't any reason for all of this screaming and hollering.
These things happen.
Me and Luther can go to a hotel.
Separate rooms, of course.
Oh, good.
Good.
l'll take you both over to the hotel get the rooms, and then we can go to the convention and let them know where to find you.
You boys just go along.
l'm gonna stay here and cook up a little something special for just the four of us.
That really isn't necessary.
No, sure, don't worry, l'm gonna have it ready by the time they get back.
Smoked kielbasa direct from Khartousian's Deli, East 63rd.
My specialty.
Where's the pots and pans? ln the kitchen.
Hadn't you better start checking on those rooms? Why can't you stay with your daughter Nancy? l'd love to, but she's in a boarding school, in Detroit.
Chicago.
lt's Tim that's in Detroit.
Whatever.
What are we waiting for? Let's get to the convention and check out some of the guys.
And find another room.
Yeah, ain't we got fun! [laughs.]
(Magnum) Do svidaniya to Russian romanticism.
The closest I'd probably get to it now would be the Russian dressing on the chicken sandwiches at the closing banquet Wednesday night.
Somehow, my appetite for all this wasn't quite whetted.
Excuse me.
Says on the invitation here we're supposed to get in touch with a guy named Lloyd DeWitt.
He's the local secretary.
You know him? l've bumped into him a couple of times.
Bourbon on the rocks and hold the flowers, please.
[man chattering on P.
A.
system.]
That's him over there.
Who? Lloyd Dewitt.
You mean that guy with the food on his shirt? Yeah.
That's class.
Well, he sells hotdogs on the North Shore.
Really? Could've fooled me.
Being a Pl must be just a sideline, like most of you guys out here.
You must be Luther Gillis.
You're late.
l didn't expect you to turn up at all.
Are you kidding, DeWitt? And miss my award? This here's an old pal of mine, Tom Magnum.
Hi.
Hi.
He was along for the ride when l put Artie Canoe behind bars.
Keanu.
Artie Keanu.
How is that crud, anyway? Keanu? He escaped from prison three weeks ago.
Great! We can nail him again! No, no.
We are not going to nail anybody.
The police are going to nail him again.
We are going to get you a room so that you can get your award and then we, Luther, we are going to get you back to St.
Louis.
Yeah, but l thought you could-- But nothing.
No Artie Keanu.
Don't worry about it, he's gonna be captured.
And when he is l'm sure it will have something to do with computers and electronics.
Computers are for sissies.
Luther.
Oh, really? Well, let me tell you that computers and electronics are the wave of the future in this industry.
Foot-tails and stakeouts will become as obsolete as Panama hats and the ubiquitous informants on the street.
Be ready for the future, or you'll wind up in the past.
Who said that? l did.
[clears throat.]
lt's in my book: Private Investigative Techniques In the Computer Age subtitled Software and You.
You can pick one up in the lobby for $7.
95.
Yeah, well, that's very interesting-- Sounds great.
You're quite an entrepreneur.
Onions extra? [laughing.]
l'm sorry.
Hey, go ahead, laugh it up.
But computers have revolutionized my business.
Really? You can't eat a computer at a ballgame.
But, hey, save some of your shirt for me for later.
l might get hungry.
[laughing.]
[man chattering on P.
A.
system.]
(Magnum) Yes, l'm still here.
That's great! Gillis.
G-l-L-L-l-S.
Right.
Right.
Oh, and thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
[men laughing.]
Blackie, you are a con.
You remember the time when you and me and Frankie Albright busted up that Greek Olive smuggling ring in the.
Hey, Tom, l want you to meet some buddies of mine from the old days.
This is Rudy G, Nick The Stick, and Blackie.
Glad to meet you, pal.
Hi, guys.
Luther, l got the room.
Let's go get Blanche.
Hey, we just got here.
Me and the boys have got some memories to catch up on.
You know, Tom was with me and helped me bust up that Artie Canoe guy a while back.
Yeah, it reminded me of the time when l was back in Keokuk.
There were these bohemian used cars.
(Magnum) I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking I spent the whole day at the convention bored out of my mind.
Well, this time you're wrong.
You see, after my initial reluctance I found the boys, Blackie, Nick The Stick and Rudy G, quite interesting.
Their stories were bizarre but it was kind of neat to hear about the good old days.
I was fascinated.
It was kind of like being in a Sam Spade movie.
Boy, those guys are the most boring bunch of liars l've ever heard.
l couldn't wait to blow that joint.
[smoke alarm beeping.]
Blanche could never cook that stuff.
Higgins! Higgins! [coughing.]
Hey! They're not here! There's a good reason for that.
What? This note says they've been kidnapped.
[birds chirping.]
(Magnum) The shock of having someone close to you suddenly and inexplicably yanked away was a brutal reminder of how fragile human relationships can be.
Of course, we were both too professional to let that affect our realistic assessment of the facts.
l know what happened.
lt's as clear as the nose on my face.
The butler got Blanche drunk, seduced her wrote this phony kidnap note, and then ran off with her.
Why would Blanche run off with Higgins, Luther, when she's got you? Yeah, you're right.
Artie Keanu.
What? Artie Keanu.
He wants revenge for us putting him away.
So he takes Higgins and Blanche.
That makes sense.
Why didn't he say that on the note? lt doesn't say anything in the note.
lt just says, ''Wait for instructions.
'' [dog whimpering.]
lt looks like they're coming around.
Big deal.
They're not gonna tell us anything.
Luther, this is no time for jokes! l'm not joking.
l wanna get Artie Canoe.
So do l! Well, this is your turf, your burg.
Where do we start? You have got a strange way of getting information out here.
Whatever happened to grabbing the bum by the collar and shaking it out of him? You don't shake someone down like lce Pick.
No, you play tennis with him.
What a place.
(Rick) Great return, lce Pick.
Your point.
(T.
C.
) What are you talking about? T.
C.
Oh, yeah.
Great return, lce Pick.
Sorry, what were you saying, Luther? l was saying, you don't play tennis with someone to get information.
You shake it out of him.
Thomas.
Big Sally.
l'm not interested in your love life.
What did he tell you? Big Sally happens to be Artie's wife.
lce Pick thinks that maybe she's hiding him out.
Where? (lce Pick) Come on, Orville.
[groaning.]
You know, if he.
lf he so much as touches one hair on her head, l'm gonna kill him.
He won't, Luther.
Artie Keanu wants us.
Yeah, well, that's what he's gonna get.
Us.
You know, me and Blanche, we've been together a pretty long time.
We.
Well, what l mean is, l'd have to run an ad, get a young chick, train her.
You know what l mean? l think so.
[lce Pick chattering.]
l'll get that.
(Rick) Nice serve, lce Pick! Big Sally.
(Luther) We know.
She's married to Artie Canoe.
Where is she? They've got a place at Malu Beach.
(lce Pick) Hey! We playing here, or what? That's all l need to know.
Wait a minute, Luther! We need some more information.
We don't even know they're there! Will you just wait? You just wait.
Luther Gillis is on the move.
Shh! Sorry.
l forgot my loincloth and spear.
Will you just keep quiet? All right.
Here's what l think we ought to do first.
Save the strategy for the dominoes.
You bust in the front door, l'll go in the back.
Luther, we don't even know they're in there.
So? So, we have been all through this before.
There's no reason to go in there guns blazing.
All right, all right.
What? Put the big hand on six, big guy.
l give you three minutes.
You bust in the front door.
Luther! (Magnum) One of the tougher things about being a Private Investigator was doing what I was doing now.
Going into a potentially dangerous situation without really knowing what form the danger would take.
Or from whom.
But when the stakes are high you sometimes have to gamble and hope for the best.
And above all, remain cool and calm.
(Luther) My head was spinning like the carousel at Coney and my heart was pounding like Gene Krupa at the Copa.
But like I said, who cares? These cruds had Blanche and I didn't care what else they had.
Guns, knives, cannons, B-17's, I was ready for anything.
[groans.]
That's what you get for sneaking around my house.
You get up and l'll hit you again.
Put down the pan.
[dog barking.]
Please, please.
You guys touch me, you'll be history.
Don't worry, lady, the only thing that's gonna touch you is a 10-foot pole.
Luther! Where's Artie Canoe? (Big Sally) l don't have to listen to that creep.
You guys can rob me, beat me, kill me, whatever but l don't have to listen to him.
Listen, l know how you feel.
Would you mind telling me where l might find Artie? l don't mind at all, if l knew myself.
What you guys want with the ugly ape? You cops? Well, actually, we're private investigators and we think that Artie may be responsible-- [exclaims.]
He ain't responsible for nothing.
The jerk escapes from prison, does he give me a call? Does he send me any bread? Does he let me know he's okay? No, nothing.
So, what you want with him? Well, we think he was involved in a kidnapping of two friends of ours.
Look, can you help us? l don't know.
* You always hurt the one you love * * The one you shouldn't hurt at all * No, wait! No, no, he can't hear you.
No.
Try the Celestial Mission on Hotel Street.
Friend of his named Jo runs it.
lf anybody'll know, it'll be Jo.
* You always break the kindest heart * Right, well, thank you, l'll just get him out of here.
* With a hasty word you can't recall * Come on, Luther.
Here we go.
* So if l broke your heart last night * * lt's because l love you most of all ** [dog barking.]
(Luther) What'd she say? What'd she say? Nothing.
Come on, come on, what'd she tell you? Nothing, Luther! She wasn't very helpful.
And neither were you.
What about synchronizing our watches? You jumped the gun.
Details.
Details.
Just 'cause l shot my mouth off a little bit, she whacked me out doesn't mean.
Doesn't mean you should withhold anything she said.
l'm not withholding anything, Luther.
l'm just gonna drop you off at Doc lbold's so you can get your head examined.
And then l'm gonna go back to the estate and see if there's any messages from the kidnappers.
And then l'll pick you up, okay? Look, l'm not the one who made her mad.
Thanks.
Thanks, Chuckie.
l was just wondering how Blanche is doing.
(Blanche) Some honeymoon, huh? Only part that's romantic about this is l'm locked up in a secluded shack with a guy on the beach.
Only thing is, it's the wrong guy.
l'm quite sorry to disappoint you.
l can assure you this is not my idea of idyllic bliss, either.
ln fact, your presence here, my dear woman acutely exacerbates the situation.
Uh-uh.
You think you're gonna get someplace with me using flattery? No way.
Hey, are you some kind of a duke or something? Maybe a count? Miss Rafferty-- Blanche.
Miss Rafferty, although the Higgins lineage is decidedly distinguished it is not of the realm.
l guess you're not being held here on account of for your bread.
Miss Rafferty, l'm quite sure that the reason we're being held here can be directly attributed to the presence of your fiancé l wish.
Luther Gillis that walking anachronism, here on this island.
And all this time Luther thought that you didn't like him.
And here you are complimenting him.
What a guy.
Nevertheless, Mr.
Higgins, l think that you're making a mistake.
We're here on account of Magnum.
He must've done something to make somebody mad.
Your hypothesis is not beyond the realm of possibility.
All right, so sometimes l'm wrong.
We still got to get out of this mess.
Like one time l remember this time when Luther, Chuckie and me.
Chuckie.
Chuckie was Luther's ex-partner.
He got snuffed in San Jose, '53, outside of a dance hall.
What am l talking about? Sometimes l ramble.
Anyway Chuckie and me was being held prisoner by Moe Safronsky and his gang in this cabin in the Catskills.
See, these hotel comedians, they was being bumped off one by one-- Please, Miss Rafferty, l fail to see how some sordid tale from the past can have any relevance to our current plight.
Now, you happen to have a hairpin on you? Yeah, sure.
You look okay.
l shall attempt to remove the hairpin from your hair with my teeth and use it to try to undo our bonds.
lt may take some time and effort, but it will be worth it.
Not unlike the time that l was imprisoned with Bertie Farnbush and his maiden sister in an Albanian zipper factory by-- Hey, hey.
Would you just spare me the ''sordid tales of your past''? And, let's just get the hell out of here, huh? Would you kindly lean toward me.
(Magnum) More on ''potentially dangerous situations.
'' Even though I realized it was risky coming down to Hotel Street and looking for Artie Keanu alone I realized the alternative, coming down here with Luther was worse.
So I left him with Doc Ibold and a fervent request that he be heavily sedated.
Preferably for the next six or seven years.
Hi there.
Jo around? (woman) Bye-bye, baby.
[woman giggling.]
(Magnum) Hi.
ls Jo around? l'm Jo.
And l'm around.
But you can take your pick.
No.
Well, l mean, you don't understand.
Big Sally sent me.
Who? Big Sally.
Artie's old lady.
l don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Artie Canoe, Keanu.
l have to see him.
Listen, mister-- l understand.
l didn't wanna come here all the way from Seattle, either but when Big Sally called me and told me that Artie was in this fix-- l think you better turn around and walk right back out that door.
No Artie? Get.
Right.
Well, it was nice meeting you ladies.
(woman #1) Nice meeting you, too.
Bye-bye.
Thanks anyway.
(woman #2) Come again.
Good night.
(Magnum) Big Sally had obviously set us up.
But, at least as far as the danger aspect went my fears had proved to be unfounded.
I was getting out of here in one piece.
(Luther) Artie Canoe.
Where is he? Tell me or l'll rip the lips off your face! l'll peel the scar off your cheek.
Come on, Luther, he's not even here.
What? What'd you do that for? [grunts.]
Come on, Luther.
[grunting.]
Ain't this great? No! [both grunting.]
(woman #1) What is going on in here? Stop it! Stop it right now! (woman #2) Get him, girls! Put her down! [grunting.]
[women yelling.]
[screaming.]
Harder, harder! [woman screaming.]
All right, hold it! Everybody! (officer #2) You're all under arrest.
(woman) Hi, Frank.
(Luther) The slammer, the big house, the hoosegow l know all the names, they don't scare me.
They haven't built a joint big enough to hold Luther Gillis for long.
Shut up! What's the matter, the place getting to you? No, you are! Do you have to fill every silence with endless chatter? Can't you be quiet for just one minute? You drive everyone around you crazy! No, l don't! Yes, you do! The last time you were here some poor guy tried to hang himself because you wouldn't shut up! Oh, yeah, Scrungo.
Wonder whatever happened to him.
Now all we got are these creepos.
(Magnum) Luther.
You lousy bums.
He didn't mean it.
To hell with them.
lt hadn't been for them, we'd have been on to Blanche and Higgins now.
Not them.
You! What are you talking about? l'm talking about how you always go into a situation like you're James Cagney or Humphrey Bogart or somebody without any regard for the consequences.
Didn't hurt them any.
Those were movies, Luther.
This is real.
Big Sally set us up.
Now, if you would have stayed put l could have found that out without us having to go to jail.
Don't you ever stop to think? Yeah, l stop and think.
l stop and think that Blanche the lady that's been with me all these years when l been coming in like Cagney and Bogart, might be dead now 'cause of me.
That's what l've been thinking about.
And that's why l'm gonna stop at nothing till l find her.
So, no more of that funny business like getting that doc to fill me up with dope.
Okay? Now, we're either working this one together, or we're not working at all.
What do you say? Okay.
So, where are your buddies that are gonna spring us from this joint? Wait a minute.
Where's Doc lbold? How did you know to get to Hotel Street? Let's just say that Sawbones got a taste of his own medicine.
You know what l mean? And if you wanna know how l figured out how to follow you to Jo's well, you'll just have to wait till my next book comes out.
So, where are your friends? [metallic rattling.]
Hey, Scrungo.
How's it going? Hey, Scrungo.
l say, how's it going? Hi.
Put me in with those guys.
[keys clinking.]
(Rick) $50,000.
Where's Thomas gonna get that kind of money by 3:00 in the morning? Hopefully from the same place he's gonna pay this lOU.
You talk about favors.
You know, this is just like the movies.
Come alone.
No cops.
A secluded beach.
Well, l still think he should call the cops.
No.
No cops.
That was Robin's attorney.
He's wiring the money.
You mean Robin's gonna pay $50,000 for Higgins? He would.
But we're not gonna pay it.
l have a plan.
Wait a minute.
Luther.
Oh, he's up feeding the dogs.
Yeah? Well, he's been feeding the lads for the last half hour.
l believed him.
This time l really believed him.
Where do you think he is? (Luther) I was right on top of the situation.
Luther H.
Gillis was on the move.
And this time I was gonna get the truth out of Big Sally about where Artie Canoe was, if it killed her.
That's why I ditched the big guy.
I just don't think he has the stomach for the rough stuff.
You? Yeah, it's me.
You're going to be sorry you did that.
l'll save it for confession.
Right now, it's your turn, fatso.
Where's Artie Canoe? (Artie) That's Keanu.
Whatever.
Who cares? [gun cocking.]
Luther Gillis.
l owe you one.
Well, let me have Blanche and the butler guy and we'll call it even.
l'm gonna kill you, then we'll call it even.
How about just Blanche? l don't know what you're talking about, Gillis.
All l know is you're history.
The only thing l'm sorry about is your partner ain't here also.
Hi, guy.
Where's Higgins? Come on.
l don't know what you guys are talking about.
That's not good enough, Artie.
Let me tell you what's gonna happen if after l count to three you don't tell me where Blanche and Higgins are.
Luther's gonna hit Big Sally over the head with the frying pan you're gonna shoot Luther and then l'm gonna shoot you.
[gun cocking.]
Then l'm going to shoot you, mister.
No, no, no.
See, l didn't finish.
Then you're gonna shoot me and they're gonna shoot you.
Who? Them.
[guns cocking.]
Okay, Artie, where are they? Who? Blanche and the butler! l don't know who you're talking about.
(Blanche) You know, me, Luther, and Chuckie used to work out of this five-story walkup on East 1 1th.
Boy, those were the days.
Now, they got an elevator in that place and everything.
How're you doing? Almost finished.
Keep talking.
Another five minutes and you'll probably have him catatonic, along with me.
What? Nothing, just keep talking.
Yeah.
Right.
l am kind of good at it.
Hey, go for it, Hig.
Quite.
You, too.
Anyway, l first met Luther at the King Arthur And His Court Ballroom.
July 1 2, 1953.
lt was 9:30 and l was wearing this strapless blue gown.
Oh, the big full moon was shining and the Browns lost a game to the Tigers.
How romantic.
Yeah.
Luther and me danced all night.
l made $450.
And then, after that, Luther came in every night for a whole week.
And at the end of it, he popped the question.
He asked me to be his secretary.
Of course, at that time boy, l didn't know what it meant to be a private detective much less what a secretary did for a private detective.
But, boy, l soon found out the hard way.
Like the time back in 1956-- l've finally slipped the knot.
Hey, terrific! Are you ready? Yes.
Are you? Piece of cake.
[screaming.]
What's the matter with you? Nothing, needlehead.
[yelling.]
[Blanche whistling.]
[groaning.]
My God.
A piece of cake.
Of course, that was just the first of a series of blows l was about to deliver, which would have rendered him helpless.
Sure, that's what Luther always says, too.
We'll walk to the nearest phone and call a cab.
Great.
How much do you tip these guys? (DeWitt) Nothing.
All expenses are paid by DeWitt's Dogs.
lncluding the $50,000 l'm getting for you two.
Now get back inside.
(Magnum) We left Rick and T.
C.
to deal with Artie Keanu Big Sally, half the Honolulu Police Force and the biggest bust since.
Since.
Well, the last time we busted Artie Keanu.
The only thing was, I wish I could have left Luther with them, too.
(Luther) I was beginning to get the feeling I was stuck with the big guy for the duration.
The only thing more depressing than that was this case.
Because we'd run out of leads.
You try being a detective with no leads.
It's like a tailor without a needle, or Godzilla without Tokyo.
(Magnum) Or a bad guy without a motive.
Did you say something? What? No.
l was just thinking, though, you know, $50,000 isn't a heck of a lot of money to soak Robin Masters for.
He's worth millions.
They had to kidnap Higgins and Blanche for another reason.
Yeah, us.
But we've already been through that with Artie Canoe.
And as far as l know, this is the only time you and l work together.
Nice try, big guy, but you'll have to come up with something else.
Or just go through with the exchange and hope for the best.
You really believe that? Not for a second.
What are you making, a little bunny rabbit? lt's not even Easter.
No, it's the Fourth of July.
Bang, bang.
Huh? Plastique.
l don't care what he's wearing.
l wanna know why he's putting that clay under our chairs.
To blow us up, evidently.
Excellent deduction.
Maybe you should have been the Pl.
No, thank you.
lf l may inquire, though, what is the purpose of your extortion? Merely money? lf that is the case, l can assure you that-- Look $50,000 is $50,000, but l'm here to settle a score l owe Luther Gillis.
Listen, mister, l've worked for Luther for a long time.
l typed the reports on every thug he ever busted.
And to be honest with you, l don't know you from a hole in the ground.
Blanche, maybe this will jog your memory.
Tiffany Arms Hotel, December, 1966.
That would be the Frangakis caper.
What about it? l was the cop who lost his career because of Luther Gillis.
You were the secret witness? My whole life down in flames.
Well, you deserved it.
You were a bagman for Tony Frangakis.
Once.
One lousy time.
My wife was pregnant and we needed the money.
So, you didn't go to jail.
Worse.
l lost everything.
But, you overcame the setback, didn't you? You rehabilitated.
You've got a business.
You learned a trade.
Hot dogs.
Computers.
Why throw it all away? Why? For just a fleeting, transitory moment of revenge? Yes.
This is no time to be reading your mail.
We got to find some clues.
l think maybe l just have.
That's great news, big guy.
l'm gonna call the convention.
l'll tell them we got the flu or something.
Some tropical disease like terminal sunburn.
Hello, l'd like to speak to Lloyd DeWitt.
This is Luther Gillis speaking.
What do you mean he isn't there? This is Luther Gillis.
l'm supposed to be there tonight to accept an award for the best book.
What do you mean l was never gonna get an award? Luther.
We're talking about So You Want To Be A Private Eye? by Luther Gillis.
lt's supposed-- Supposed to sucker you to Hawaii! Look at this, Luther.
Big deal.
lt was typed on the same typewriter, so what? Not the same typewriter, the same computer! This was done by dot-matrix.
Who's Dot Matrix? And what's she got to do with this? She's a computer, Luther.
Now, come on.
Look at this.
Lloyd DeWitt accessed into the Academy's computer just to get you to Hawaii.
Holy cow.
Come on.
Where you going? To get a hot dog.
[ticking.]
Hey, that's my purse.
You won't need it where you're going.
Wait for me outside.
See you all later.
l'm going to close up the stand forever.
Quite ingenious.
Frankly, l'm impressed.
Frankly, l'm depressed.
And all the time, l thought DeWitt was stupid for having the exchange of prisoners and ransom occur at the same location.
But how diabolically clever of him.
You see, if Magnum or your Mr.
Gillis attempt any tricks he'll simply blow us up by remote control.
Extraordinary.
(Luther) Let's just kick in the doors and go in blazing.
Look, Luther, even though we're early and have the advantage of surprise l still think we ought to use some finesse.
l thought l was.
What's your big idea? Well, l think we ought to do it this way.
Here's the plan.
Save it for dominoes, big guy.
You go in the back, l'll take the front.
That's what l was gonna say.
You know, l think l'm really beginning to like working with you.
Maybe it's because you've started reminding me of Chuckie.
Chuckie's dead.
All right, what time is it? That's close enough.
l'll give you three minutes' head start.
[birds chirping.]
(Magnum) Just like the last time when we thought Artie Keanu had Blanche and Higgins we were going into a dangerous situation blind.
But, unlike the last time, we had a couple of things going for us.
One, we definitely knew where Blanche and Higgins were.
And two, for the first time I really had the feeling that Luther and I were really working together.
It felt good.
To hell with it! This feels great.
DeWitt, give me one blonde to go and throw in the butler.
You're through.
Spring them or l'll make you part of the menu.
l wish you'd try, Gillis, l'd just love it if you would.
Forget about the radio, this is no time for music.
The only singing you're gonna do is in a cage.
Let's go.
Don't make me nervous.
lf you had any technical sophistication at all you'd realize that this is a remote control unit.
All l have to do is press that button and your Blanche and that Englishman will leave this world, literally.
All right, what do you want? $50,000? lf l knew you needed money, l would've signed over the royalties of my book.
Cut with the jokes, Gillis.
All l need $50,000 for is to leave the country after l kill you.
Now drop the gun.
Okay, but now you got to say why.
Tony Frangakis.
Who? Tony Frangakis.
Well, what about him? ls he your brother or something? No.
No, l worked for him.
Once.
Once.
And then you busted him and l got caught in the net.
lt's funny, l was so small then, you didn't even know who l was.
l guess things have kind of changed now, haven't they? Wait a minute, where's Magnum? No! He's got a-- Blanche! Blanche! Luther! Blanche! She's dead.
And the butler, too.
Luther.
Blanche, Blanche, l'm so sorry.
Luther.
He killed them.
They're dead.
They're dead.
This time l was really gonna do it.
Luther, listen to me.
Blanche, l know you can't hear me, but l want you to know this time l was really gonna marry you.
l really-- [Blanche whooping.]
Luther, l tried to tell you.
l got them out.
**[organ music playing.]
[birds chirping.]
You know something this is going to be the best, most wonderful happy day of my entire life.
l just wonder what's keeping Luther.
He's 20 minutes late.
l know.
Where is he? He' s coming.
**[wedding march playing.]
Blanche Rafferty? [motorcycle engine starting.]
''Sorry l missed the wedding.
Stop.
''Had to go back.
Stop.
''Some bozos got Jack.
Stop.
''Say hi to the big guy and the butler.
Stop.
''Love, Luther.
Stop.
'' Oh, my God.
[Higgins grunting.]
(Luther) Well, I got out of that one, kiddos.
But I knew Blanche would get over it after a while.
Meanwhile I had a loose end to tie up.
l forgot my loincloth and spear.
Will you just keep quiet? The last time you were here some poor guy tried to hang himself because you wouldn't shut up! lf he so much as touches one hair on her head, l'm gonna kill him.
Let me have Blanche and the butler guy, and we'll call it even.
l'm gonna kill you.
[yelling.]
Harder, harder! [women yelling.]
[screaming.]
(Luther) Welcome to St.
Louis.
Maybe it ain't the best of towns but it ain't the worst, either.
So what if the football team and the baseball team got to share the same nickname? Who cares? I call it home.
Name's Gillis, Luther.
Private Eye.
I don't work out of town much anymore.
I mean, there was one recent trip to Hawaii, but that don't really count.
It was peaches and cream compared to the one I just wrapped up.
I'm talking about big-city loan sharking, extortion and racketeering.
And except for one little loose end I was ready to head back to the office and call it a day.
But I wasn't sure what was louder the sound of my wingtips on the cobblestone or this nagging feeling in my gut that I should've taken care of that loose end.
But like I said, who cares? My secretary, Blanche, and my dumbo nephew, Jack wanted me to get back early.
Said they had a big surprise for me.
And I didn't have the heart to tell them I hate surprises.
Gillis.
[Luther groaning.]
So much for surprises and loose ends.
[grunting.]
[Jack whistles.]
Okay, freeze! No, no.
You're gonna be sorry.
Never, never say ''freeze.
'' The only place you hear that word is on television.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
Sorry.
Sorry? You're always sorry.
Here l go, l take you in from that lousy brother of mine l give you a job, despite the fact you got a college diploma and what do you do? l disappoint you.
And you say ''freeze.
'' l'm sorry.
Can l go to the hospital now? ln a minute.
[siren wailing.]
Now, what's the big surprise you guys got in store for me? l'm gonna give you three guesses.
Can l go to the hospital? Someone died, someone got born, someone got married.
Who cares? Whatever.
What's it say? That we're gonna go on a long trip.
Kind of like a vacation, or a honeymoon.
Blanche, will you quit talking about Niagara Falls? lf l told you once, l told you-- We're not going to Niagara Falls.
lt says nothing about Niagara Falls! How about a hospital? (Blanche) lt says, that, ''you are cordially invited ''by the National Academy of Private lnvestigators ''to their 1 7th annual convention ''to receive a Golden Keyhole Award ''for the best nonfiction book of the year ''You Want To Be A Private Eye? by Luther H.
Gillis.
'' Yadda, yadda, yadda.
''Personal and Confidential.
Top Secret.
'' So, don't tell nobody.
No kidding? Me? (Blanche) No kidding.
You.
Says you even got to make a speech.
So we were gonna take you out tonight and celebrate.
Jack was gonna wish us bon voyage and everything.
Boy, this is great! Never mind, l'll get a cab.
Where's this convention, Blanche? (Magnum) Maybe Hawaii isn't the most breathtaking place in the world but if it isn't, I don't know what is.
And even though big-league sports haven't come our way yet we have plenty of big-league sunsets to keep us going.
I call it home.
And home was where I was looking forward to being for all of next week.
After a real tough case on the Big Island [birds chirping.]
I was ready for some quiet R and R.
The only thing was, my little voice was telling me there was some little loose end I hadn't wrapped up.
If I was listening carefully enough perhaps I would have heard it.
Instead, I was hearing other music, namely a little Tchaikovsky and a lot of Tolstoy.
Yes, I was finally going to take the time and get through War and Peace.
Some people make New Year's resolutions to stop drinking or quit kicking their dog.
Me, I was finally going to conquer Russian romanticism.
Magnum.
l say, Magnum.
Magnum! Will you take them off? What? [yelling.]
Will you take them off? Why are you yelling at me? l'm not.
**[music playing on walkman.]
Magnum, we must have a talk at once.
What about? About this mail.
What about it? While l appreciate your retrieving it from the box l do not appreciate your leaving it under the chainsaw in the gardener's shed for the past five days.
That is not where l'm accustomed to going through the estate correspondence.
Higgins, l can explain.
l knew l could count on hearing that pathetic little phrase once again.
lt is as regular as the rising and setting of the-- Do you wanna know why or not? Not.
l just don't want it to happen again, and it won't happen again.
From now on, it will be the lads' duty, not yours.
Because of you, the whole financial pyramid that is my managing of the estate economy could come crashing down into a depression that would rival that of '29.
Liens, foreclosures.
Oh, my God.
A wedding, a birth, a death.
l'm sorry, Magnum, this apparently is addressed to you.
That's my mail? ''You are cordially invited by the National Academy of Private lnvestigators ''to their 1 7th annual convention to present a Golden Keyhole Award.
'' How droll.
''The Mauka Room of the Kalanianaole Hotel.
''Top Secret.
Personal and Confidential.
'' Higgins, give me my mail.
By the by, Magnum, do they tell you what the password is? All right, Higgins, enough.
l mean, who would wanna go to this silly thing anyway? lt's probably just a-- Mistake.
This telegram is obviously a follow-up explaining that.
All some terrible misunderstanding.
After all, how could they possibly want you? [Higgins snickering.]
[car horn honking.]
[whistling.]
(Luther and Blanche) Aloha! (Luther) lt's okay.
You say you didn't get the telegram till now? No harm done, l believe you.
Just tell us where you want us to wait till you get our rooms ready.
Calcutta.
Luther.
Luther, they said we couldn't stay here.
Of course we can stay here.
l mean when a guy l worked with, lay my keister on the line for takes me to the airport, buys me some macadamia nuts, puts me on a plane Luther.
and tells me with a straight face the next time l'm in Hawaii to look him up l'm talking about Tom 'You can come stay with me, pal' Magnum.
l never said that! lt doesn't matter.
l gave this address to the convention, we have to stay here.
l'm afraid that's impossible.
You see, Mr.
Masters is expecting the entire stewardess contingent of TransGlobal Airways flights 276 and 51 2 to be staying here next week.
That's okay.
They won't bother us.
That's not the point.
The point is you are not staying here.
Wait, wait.
l got to get this right.
l come all the way to Hawaii to get the biggest award of my career ''Top Secret,'' they tell me.
''Confidential.
'' Just let us know where you're staying ''We'll contact you,'' they say.
So, l give them the address of the only friend l have in Hawaii.
And this friend is telling me l'm not staying here? We'll get you another room.
We'll call them up.
[all chattering.]
[whistling.]
And what will Jack-- Shut up! All of you! Now, there isn't any reason for all of this screaming and hollering.
These things happen.
Me and Luther can go to a hotel.
Separate rooms, of course.
Oh, good.
Good.
l'll take you both over to the hotel get the rooms, and then we can go to the convention and let them know where to find you.
You boys just go along.
l'm gonna stay here and cook up a little something special for just the four of us.
That really isn't necessary.
No, sure, don't worry, l'm gonna have it ready by the time they get back.
Smoked kielbasa direct from Khartousian's Deli, East 63rd.
My specialty.
Where's the pots and pans? ln the kitchen.
Hadn't you better start checking on those rooms? Why can't you stay with your daughter Nancy? l'd love to, but she's in a boarding school, in Detroit.
Chicago.
lt's Tim that's in Detroit.
Whatever.
What are we waiting for? Let's get to the convention and check out some of the guys.
And find another room.
Yeah, ain't we got fun! [laughs.]
(Magnum) Do svidaniya to Russian romanticism.
The closest I'd probably get to it now would be the Russian dressing on the chicken sandwiches at the closing banquet Wednesday night.
Somehow, my appetite for all this wasn't quite whetted.
Excuse me.
Says on the invitation here we're supposed to get in touch with a guy named Lloyd DeWitt.
He's the local secretary.
You know him? l've bumped into him a couple of times.
Bourbon on the rocks and hold the flowers, please.
[man chattering on P.
A.
system.]
That's him over there.
Who? Lloyd Dewitt.
You mean that guy with the food on his shirt? Yeah.
That's class.
Well, he sells hotdogs on the North Shore.
Really? Could've fooled me.
Being a Pl must be just a sideline, like most of you guys out here.
You must be Luther Gillis.
You're late.
l didn't expect you to turn up at all.
Are you kidding, DeWitt? And miss my award? This here's an old pal of mine, Tom Magnum.
Hi.
Hi.
He was along for the ride when l put Artie Canoe behind bars.
Keanu.
Artie Keanu.
How is that crud, anyway? Keanu? He escaped from prison three weeks ago.
Great! We can nail him again! No, no.
We are not going to nail anybody.
The police are going to nail him again.
We are going to get you a room so that you can get your award and then we, Luther, we are going to get you back to St.
Louis.
Yeah, but l thought you could-- But nothing.
No Artie Keanu.
Don't worry about it, he's gonna be captured.
And when he is l'm sure it will have something to do with computers and electronics.
Computers are for sissies.
Luther.
Oh, really? Well, let me tell you that computers and electronics are the wave of the future in this industry.
Foot-tails and stakeouts will become as obsolete as Panama hats and the ubiquitous informants on the street.
Be ready for the future, or you'll wind up in the past.
Who said that? l did.
[clears throat.]
lt's in my book: Private Investigative Techniques In the Computer Age subtitled Software and You.
You can pick one up in the lobby for $7.
95.
Yeah, well, that's very interesting-- Sounds great.
You're quite an entrepreneur.
Onions extra? [laughing.]
l'm sorry.
Hey, go ahead, laugh it up.
But computers have revolutionized my business.
Really? You can't eat a computer at a ballgame.
But, hey, save some of your shirt for me for later.
l might get hungry.
[laughing.]
[man chattering on P.
A.
system.]
(Magnum) Yes, l'm still here.
That's great! Gillis.
G-l-L-L-l-S.
Right.
Right.
Oh, and thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
[men laughing.]
Blackie, you are a con.
You remember the time when you and me and Frankie Albright busted up that Greek Olive smuggling ring in the.
Hey, Tom, l want you to meet some buddies of mine from the old days.
This is Rudy G, Nick The Stick, and Blackie.
Glad to meet you, pal.
Hi, guys.
Luther, l got the room.
Let's go get Blanche.
Hey, we just got here.
Me and the boys have got some memories to catch up on.
You know, Tom was with me and helped me bust up that Artie Canoe guy a while back.
Yeah, it reminded me of the time when l was back in Keokuk.
There were these bohemian used cars.
(Magnum) I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking I spent the whole day at the convention bored out of my mind.
Well, this time you're wrong.
You see, after my initial reluctance I found the boys, Blackie, Nick The Stick and Rudy G, quite interesting.
Their stories were bizarre but it was kind of neat to hear about the good old days.
I was fascinated.
It was kind of like being in a Sam Spade movie.
Boy, those guys are the most boring bunch of liars l've ever heard.
l couldn't wait to blow that joint.
[smoke alarm beeping.]
Blanche could never cook that stuff.
Higgins! Higgins! [coughing.]
Hey! They're not here! There's a good reason for that.
What? This note says they've been kidnapped.
[birds chirping.]
(Magnum) The shock of having someone close to you suddenly and inexplicably yanked away was a brutal reminder of how fragile human relationships can be.
Of course, we were both too professional to let that affect our realistic assessment of the facts.
l know what happened.
lt's as clear as the nose on my face.
The butler got Blanche drunk, seduced her wrote this phony kidnap note, and then ran off with her.
Why would Blanche run off with Higgins, Luther, when she's got you? Yeah, you're right.
Artie Keanu.
What? Artie Keanu.
He wants revenge for us putting him away.
So he takes Higgins and Blanche.
That makes sense.
Why didn't he say that on the note? lt doesn't say anything in the note.
lt just says, ''Wait for instructions.
'' [dog whimpering.]
lt looks like they're coming around.
Big deal.
They're not gonna tell us anything.
Luther, this is no time for jokes! l'm not joking.
l wanna get Artie Canoe.
So do l! Well, this is your turf, your burg.
Where do we start? You have got a strange way of getting information out here.
Whatever happened to grabbing the bum by the collar and shaking it out of him? You don't shake someone down like lce Pick.
No, you play tennis with him.
What a place.
(Rick) Great return, lce Pick.
Your point.
(T.
C.
) What are you talking about? T.
C.
Oh, yeah.
Great return, lce Pick.
Sorry, what were you saying, Luther? l was saying, you don't play tennis with someone to get information.
You shake it out of him.
Thomas.
Big Sally.
l'm not interested in your love life.
What did he tell you? Big Sally happens to be Artie's wife.
lce Pick thinks that maybe she's hiding him out.
Where? (lce Pick) Come on, Orville.
[groaning.]
You know, if he.
lf he so much as touches one hair on her head, l'm gonna kill him.
He won't, Luther.
Artie Keanu wants us.
Yeah, well, that's what he's gonna get.
Us.
You know, me and Blanche, we've been together a pretty long time.
We.
Well, what l mean is, l'd have to run an ad, get a young chick, train her.
You know what l mean? l think so.
[lce Pick chattering.]
l'll get that.
(Rick) Nice serve, lce Pick! Big Sally.
(Luther) We know.
She's married to Artie Canoe.
Where is she? They've got a place at Malu Beach.
(lce Pick) Hey! We playing here, or what? That's all l need to know.
Wait a minute, Luther! We need some more information.
We don't even know they're there! Will you just wait? You just wait.
Luther Gillis is on the move.
Shh! Sorry.
l forgot my loincloth and spear.
Will you just keep quiet? All right.
Here's what l think we ought to do first.
Save the strategy for the dominoes.
You bust in the front door, l'll go in the back.
Luther, we don't even know they're in there.
So? So, we have been all through this before.
There's no reason to go in there guns blazing.
All right, all right.
What? Put the big hand on six, big guy.
l give you three minutes.
You bust in the front door.
Luther! (Magnum) One of the tougher things about being a Private Investigator was doing what I was doing now.
Going into a potentially dangerous situation without really knowing what form the danger would take.
Or from whom.
But when the stakes are high you sometimes have to gamble and hope for the best.
And above all, remain cool and calm.
(Luther) My head was spinning like the carousel at Coney and my heart was pounding like Gene Krupa at the Copa.
But like I said, who cares? These cruds had Blanche and I didn't care what else they had.
Guns, knives, cannons, B-17's, I was ready for anything.
[groans.]
That's what you get for sneaking around my house.
You get up and l'll hit you again.
Put down the pan.
[dog barking.]
Please, please.
You guys touch me, you'll be history.
Don't worry, lady, the only thing that's gonna touch you is a 10-foot pole.
Luther! Where's Artie Canoe? (Big Sally) l don't have to listen to that creep.
You guys can rob me, beat me, kill me, whatever but l don't have to listen to him.
Listen, l know how you feel.
Would you mind telling me where l might find Artie? l don't mind at all, if l knew myself.
What you guys want with the ugly ape? You cops? Well, actually, we're private investigators and we think that Artie may be responsible-- [exclaims.]
He ain't responsible for nothing.
The jerk escapes from prison, does he give me a call? Does he send me any bread? Does he let me know he's okay? No, nothing.
So, what you want with him? Well, we think he was involved in a kidnapping of two friends of ours.
Look, can you help us? l don't know.
* You always hurt the one you love * * The one you shouldn't hurt at all * No, wait! No, no, he can't hear you.
No.
Try the Celestial Mission on Hotel Street.
Friend of his named Jo runs it.
lf anybody'll know, it'll be Jo.
* You always break the kindest heart * Right, well, thank you, l'll just get him out of here.
* With a hasty word you can't recall * Come on, Luther.
Here we go.
* So if l broke your heart last night * * lt's because l love you most of all ** [dog barking.]
(Luther) What'd she say? What'd she say? Nothing.
Come on, come on, what'd she tell you? Nothing, Luther! She wasn't very helpful.
And neither were you.
What about synchronizing our watches? You jumped the gun.
Details.
Details.
Just 'cause l shot my mouth off a little bit, she whacked me out doesn't mean.
Doesn't mean you should withhold anything she said.
l'm not withholding anything, Luther.
l'm just gonna drop you off at Doc lbold's so you can get your head examined.
And then l'm gonna go back to the estate and see if there's any messages from the kidnappers.
And then l'll pick you up, okay? Look, l'm not the one who made her mad.
Thanks.
Thanks, Chuckie.
l was just wondering how Blanche is doing.
(Blanche) Some honeymoon, huh? Only part that's romantic about this is l'm locked up in a secluded shack with a guy on the beach.
Only thing is, it's the wrong guy.
l'm quite sorry to disappoint you.
l can assure you this is not my idea of idyllic bliss, either.
ln fact, your presence here, my dear woman acutely exacerbates the situation.
Uh-uh.
You think you're gonna get someplace with me using flattery? No way.
Hey, are you some kind of a duke or something? Maybe a count? Miss Rafferty-- Blanche.
Miss Rafferty, although the Higgins lineage is decidedly distinguished it is not of the realm.
l guess you're not being held here on account of for your bread.
Miss Rafferty, l'm quite sure that the reason we're being held here can be directly attributed to the presence of your fiancé l wish.
Luther Gillis that walking anachronism, here on this island.
And all this time Luther thought that you didn't like him.
And here you are complimenting him.
What a guy.
Nevertheless, Mr.
Higgins, l think that you're making a mistake.
We're here on account of Magnum.
He must've done something to make somebody mad.
Your hypothesis is not beyond the realm of possibility.
All right, so sometimes l'm wrong.
We still got to get out of this mess.
Like one time l remember this time when Luther, Chuckie and me.
Chuckie.
Chuckie was Luther's ex-partner.
He got snuffed in San Jose, '53, outside of a dance hall.
What am l talking about? Sometimes l ramble.
Anyway Chuckie and me was being held prisoner by Moe Safronsky and his gang in this cabin in the Catskills.
See, these hotel comedians, they was being bumped off one by one-- Please, Miss Rafferty, l fail to see how some sordid tale from the past can have any relevance to our current plight.
Now, you happen to have a hairpin on you? Yeah, sure.
You look okay.
l shall attempt to remove the hairpin from your hair with my teeth and use it to try to undo our bonds.
lt may take some time and effort, but it will be worth it.
Not unlike the time that l was imprisoned with Bertie Farnbush and his maiden sister in an Albanian zipper factory by-- Hey, hey.
Would you just spare me the ''sordid tales of your past''? And, let's just get the hell out of here, huh? Would you kindly lean toward me.
(Magnum) More on ''potentially dangerous situations.
'' Even though I realized it was risky coming down to Hotel Street and looking for Artie Keanu alone I realized the alternative, coming down here with Luther was worse.
So I left him with Doc Ibold and a fervent request that he be heavily sedated.
Preferably for the next six or seven years.
Hi there.
Jo around? (woman) Bye-bye, baby.
[woman giggling.]
(Magnum) Hi.
ls Jo around? l'm Jo.
And l'm around.
But you can take your pick.
No.
Well, l mean, you don't understand.
Big Sally sent me.
Who? Big Sally.
Artie's old lady.
l don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Artie Canoe, Keanu.
l have to see him.
Listen, mister-- l understand.
l didn't wanna come here all the way from Seattle, either but when Big Sally called me and told me that Artie was in this fix-- l think you better turn around and walk right back out that door.
No Artie? Get.
Right.
Well, it was nice meeting you ladies.
(woman #1) Nice meeting you, too.
Bye-bye.
Thanks anyway.
(woman #2) Come again.
Good night.
(Magnum) Big Sally had obviously set us up.
But, at least as far as the danger aspect went my fears had proved to be unfounded.
I was getting out of here in one piece.
(Luther) Artie Canoe.
Where is he? Tell me or l'll rip the lips off your face! l'll peel the scar off your cheek.
Come on, Luther, he's not even here.
What? What'd you do that for? [grunts.]
Come on, Luther.
[grunting.]
Ain't this great? No! [both grunting.]
(woman #1) What is going on in here? Stop it! Stop it right now! (woman #2) Get him, girls! Put her down! [grunting.]
[women yelling.]
[screaming.]
Harder, harder! [woman screaming.]
All right, hold it! Everybody! (officer #2) You're all under arrest.
(woman) Hi, Frank.
(Luther) The slammer, the big house, the hoosegow l know all the names, they don't scare me.
They haven't built a joint big enough to hold Luther Gillis for long.
Shut up! What's the matter, the place getting to you? No, you are! Do you have to fill every silence with endless chatter? Can't you be quiet for just one minute? You drive everyone around you crazy! No, l don't! Yes, you do! The last time you were here some poor guy tried to hang himself because you wouldn't shut up! Oh, yeah, Scrungo.
Wonder whatever happened to him.
Now all we got are these creepos.
(Magnum) Luther.
You lousy bums.
He didn't mean it.
To hell with them.
lt hadn't been for them, we'd have been on to Blanche and Higgins now.
Not them.
You! What are you talking about? l'm talking about how you always go into a situation like you're James Cagney or Humphrey Bogart or somebody without any regard for the consequences.
Didn't hurt them any.
Those were movies, Luther.
This is real.
Big Sally set us up.
Now, if you would have stayed put l could have found that out without us having to go to jail.
Don't you ever stop to think? Yeah, l stop and think.
l stop and think that Blanche the lady that's been with me all these years when l been coming in like Cagney and Bogart, might be dead now 'cause of me.
That's what l've been thinking about.
And that's why l'm gonna stop at nothing till l find her.
So, no more of that funny business like getting that doc to fill me up with dope.
Okay? Now, we're either working this one together, or we're not working at all.
What do you say? Okay.
So, where are your buddies that are gonna spring us from this joint? Wait a minute.
Where's Doc lbold? How did you know to get to Hotel Street? Let's just say that Sawbones got a taste of his own medicine.
You know what l mean? And if you wanna know how l figured out how to follow you to Jo's well, you'll just have to wait till my next book comes out.
So, where are your friends? [metallic rattling.]
Hey, Scrungo.
How's it going? Hey, Scrungo.
l say, how's it going? Hi.
Put me in with those guys.
[keys clinking.]
(Rick) $50,000.
Where's Thomas gonna get that kind of money by 3:00 in the morning? Hopefully from the same place he's gonna pay this lOU.
You talk about favors.
You know, this is just like the movies.
Come alone.
No cops.
A secluded beach.
Well, l still think he should call the cops.
No.
No cops.
That was Robin's attorney.
He's wiring the money.
You mean Robin's gonna pay $50,000 for Higgins? He would.
But we're not gonna pay it.
l have a plan.
Wait a minute.
Luther.
Oh, he's up feeding the dogs.
Yeah? Well, he's been feeding the lads for the last half hour.
l believed him.
This time l really believed him.
Where do you think he is? (Luther) I was right on top of the situation.
Luther H.
Gillis was on the move.
And this time I was gonna get the truth out of Big Sally about where Artie Canoe was, if it killed her.
That's why I ditched the big guy.
I just don't think he has the stomach for the rough stuff.
You? Yeah, it's me.
You're going to be sorry you did that.
l'll save it for confession.
Right now, it's your turn, fatso.
Where's Artie Canoe? (Artie) That's Keanu.
Whatever.
Who cares? [gun cocking.]
Luther Gillis.
l owe you one.
Well, let me have Blanche and the butler guy and we'll call it even.
l'm gonna kill you, then we'll call it even.
How about just Blanche? l don't know what you're talking about, Gillis.
All l know is you're history.
The only thing l'm sorry about is your partner ain't here also.
Hi, guy.
Where's Higgins? Come on.
l don't know what you guys are talking about.
That's not good enough, Artie.
Let me tell you what's gonna happen if after l count to three you don't tell me where Blanche and Higgins are.
Luther's gonna hit Big Sally over the head with the frying pan you're gonna shoot Luther and then l'm gonna shoot you.
[gun cocking.]
Then l'm going to shoot you, mister.
No, no, no.
See, l didn't finish.
Then you're gonna shoot me and they're gonna shoot you.
Who? Them.
[guns cocking.]
Okay, Artie, where are they? Who? Blanche and the butler! l don't know who you're talking about.
(Blanche) You know, me, Luther, and Chuckie used to work out of this five-story walkup on East 1 1th.
Boy, those were the days.
Now, they got an elevator in that place and everything.
How're you doing? Almost finished.
Keep talking.
Another five minutes and you'll probably have him catatonic, along with me.
What? Nothing, just keep talking.
Yeah.
Right.
l am kind of good at it.
Hey, go for it, Hig.
Quite.
You, too.
Anyway, l first met Luther at the King Arthur And His Court Ballroom.
July 1 2, 1953.
lt was 9:30 and l was wearing this strapless blue gown.
Oh, the big full moon was shining and the Browns lost a game to the Tigers.
How romantic.
Yeah.
Luther and me danced all night.
l made $450.
And then, after that, Luther came in every night for a whole week.
And at the end of it, he popped the question.
He asked me to be his secretary.
Of course, at that time boy, l didn't know what it meant to be a private detective much less what a secretary did for a private detective.
But, boy, l soon found out the hard way.
Like the time back in 1956-- l've finally slipped the knot.
Hey, terrific! Are you ready? Yes.
Are you? Piece of cake.
[screaming.]
What's the matter with you? Nothing, needlehead.
[yelling.]
[Blanche whistling.]
[groaning.]
My God.
A piece of cake.
Of course, that was just the first of a series of blows l was about to deliver, which would have rendered him helpless.
Sure, that's what Luther always says, too.
We'll walk to the nearest phone and call a cab.
Great.
How much do you tip these guys? (DeWitt) Nothing.
All expenses are paid by DeWitt's Dogs.
lncluding the $50,000 l'm getting for you two.
Now get back inside.
(Magnum) We left Rick and T.
C.
to deal with Artie Keanu Big Sally, half the Honolulu Police Force and the biggest bust since.
Since.
Well, the last time we busted Artie Keanu.
The only thing was, I wish I could have left Luther with them, too.
(Luther) I was beginning to get the feeling I was stuck with the big guy for the duration.
The only thing more depressing than that was this case.
Because we'd run out of leads.
You try being a detective with no leads.
It's like a tailor without a needle, or Godzilla without Tokyo.
(Magnum) Or a bad guy without a motive.
Did you say something? What? No.
l was just thinking, though, you know, $50,000 isn't a heck of a lot of money to soak Robin Masters for.
He's worth millions.
They had to kidnap Higgins and Blanche for another reason.
Yeah, us.
But we've already been through that with Artie Canoe.
And as far as l know, this is the only time you and l work together.
Nice try, big guy, but you'll have to come up with something else.
Or just go through with the exchange and hope for the best.
You really believe that? Not for a second.
What are you making, a little bunny rabbit? lt's not even Easter.
No, it's the Fourth of July.
Bang, bang.
Huh? Plastique.
l don't care what he's wearing.
l wanna know why he's putting that clay under our chairs.
To blow us up, evidently.
Excellent deduction.
Maybe you should have been the Pl.
No, thank you.
lf l may inquire, though, what is the purpose of your extortion? Merely money? lf that is the case, l can assure you that-- Look $50,000 is $50,000, but l'm here to settle a score l owe Luther Gillis.
Listen, mister, l've worked for Luther for a long time.
l typed the reports on every thug he ever busted.
And to be honest with you, l don't know you from a hole in the ground.
Blanche, maybe this will jog your memory.
Tiffany Arms Hotel, December, 1966.
That would be the Frangakis caper.
What about it? l was the cop who lost his career because of Luther Gillis.
You were the secret witness? My whole life down in flames.
Well, you deserved it.
You were a bagman for Tony Frangakis.
Once.
One lousy time.
My wife was pregnant and we needed the money.
So, you didn't go to jail.
Worse.
l lost everything.
But, you overcame the setback, didn't you? You rehabilitated.
You've got a business.
You learned a trade.
Hot dogs.
Computers.
Why throw it all away? Why? For just a fleeting, transitory moment of revenge? Yes.
This is no time to be reading your mail.
We got to find some clues.
l think maybe l just have.
That's great news, big guy.
l'm gonna call the convention.
l'll tell them we got the flu or something.
Some tropical disease like terminal sunburn.
Hello, l'd like to speak to Lloyd DeWitt.
This is Luther Gillis speaking.
What do you mean he isn't there? This is Luther Gillis.
l'm supposed to be there tonight to accept an award for the best book.
What do you mean l was never gonna get an award? Luther.
We're talking about So You Want To Be A Private Eye? by Luther Gillis.
lt's supposed-- Supposed to sucker you to Hawaii! Look at this, Luther.
Big deal.
lt was typed on the same typewriter, so what? Not the same typewriter, the same computer! This was done by dot-matrix.
Who's Dot Matrix? And what's she got to do with this? She's a computer, Luther.
Now, come on.
Look at this.
Lloyd DeWitt accessed into the Academy's computer just to get you to Hawaii.
Holy cow.
Come on.
Where you going? To get a hot dog.
[ticking.]
Hey, that's my purse.
You won't need it where you're going.
Wait for me outside.
See you all later.
l'm going to close up the stand forever.
Quite ingenious.
Frankly, l'm impressed.
Frankly, l'm depressed.
And all the time, l thought DeWitt was stupid for having the exchange of prisoners and ransom occur at the same location.
But how diabolically clever of him.
You see, if Magnum or your Mr.
Gillis attempt any tricks he'll simply blow us up by remote control.
Extraordinary.
(Luther) Let's just kick in the doors and go in blazing.
Look, Luther, even though we're early and have the advantage of surprise l still think we ought to use some finesse.
l thought l was.
What's your big idea? Well, l think we ought to do it this way.
Here's the plan.
Save it for dominoes, big guy.
You go in the back, l'll take the front.
That's what l was gonna say.
You know, l think l'm really beginning to like working with you.
Maybe it's because you've started reminding me of Chuckie.
Chuckie's dead.
All right, what time is it? That's close enough.
l'll give you three minutes' head start.
[birds chirping.]
(Magnum) Just like the last time when we thought Artie Keanu had Blanche and Higgins we were going into a dangerous situation blind.
But, unlike the last time, we had a couple of things going for us.
One, we definitely knew where Blanche and Higgins were.
And two, for the first time I really had the feeling that Luther and I were really working together.
It felt good.
To hell with it! This feels great.
DeWitt, give me one blonde to go and throw in the butler.
You're through.
Spring them or l'll make you part of the menu.
l wish you'd try, Gillis, l'd just love it if you would.
Forget about the radio, this is no time for music.
The only singing you're gonna do is in a cage.
Let's go.
Don't make me nervous.
lf you had any technical sophistication at all you'd realize that this is a remote control unit.
All l have to do is press that button and your Blanche and that Englishman will leave this world, literally.
All right, what do you want? $50,000? lf l knew you needed money, l would've signed over the royalties of my book.
Cut with the jokes, Gillis.
All l need $50,000 for is to leave the country after l kill you.
Now drop the gun.
Okay, but now you got to say why.
Tony Frangakis.
Who? Tony Frangakis.
Well, what about him? ls he your brother or something? No.
No, l worked for him.
Once.
Once.
And then you busted him and l got caught in the net.
lt's funny, l was so small then, you didn't even know who l was.
l guess things have kind of changed now, haven't they? Wait a minute, where's Magnum? No! He's got a-- Blanche! Blanche! Luther! Blanche! She's dead.
And the butler, too.
Luther.
Blanche, Blanche, l'm so sorry.
Luther.
He killed them.
They're dead.
They're dead.
This time l was really gonna do it.
Luther, listen to me.
Blanche, l know you can't hear me, but l want you to know this time l was really gonna marry you.
l really-- [Blanche whooping.]
Luther, l tried to tell you.
l got them out.
**[organ music playing.]
[birds chirping.]
You know something this is going to be the best, most wonderful happy day of my entire life.
l just wonder what's keeping Luther.
He's 20 minutes late.
l know.
Where is he? He' s coming.
**[wedding march playing.]
Blanche Rafferty? [motorcycle engine starting.]
''Sorry l missed the wedding.
Stop.
''Had to go back.
Stop.
''Some bozos got Jack.
Stop.
''Say hi to the big guy and the butler.
Stop.
''Love, Luther.
Stop.
'' Oh, my God.
[Higgins grunting.]
(Luther) Well, I got out of that one, kiddos.
But I knew Blanche would get over it after a while.
Meanwhile I had a loose end to tie up.