Malcolm in the Middle s04e16 Episode Script

(snoring) No fair.
He moved.
Too bad.
You've got H-O-R-S.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now - You're not - the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
Does this chip look funny to you? Nope.
It's fine.
- Ha, ha.
You took - the last one.
You have to refill it.
Oh, darn it.
(laughs) Oh, great.
It's an ant.
I know.
I saw him before.
- No, Dewey, you - don't understand.
This one's the scout.
- If he finds anything - appetizing, Soon there'll be lots and lots of ants.
- Which is why I'm - about to make sure That this scout doesn't report back to headquarters.
- LOIS: - Dewey, bedtime! Ready, Dad? Bedtime express.
Oh yeah.
Just give me a second here to - Hidey-ho! - Oh! And away we go! - Giddy-up, Dad! - (whinnies) (grunts) - Turn, horsey, turn! - (whinnies) I got the nicest dress for the school formal.
It's satiny and long, and-and what's that color between pink and purple? Mauve.
Oh, sorry.
- Isn't she cute - when she gets excited? Her cheeks get all red, - and then she gets - a little twinkle in her eye.
- I've got to tell you, - I'm a lucky guy.
- So you're really - going to spring - For a limo and tux - and all that? - Hell, no.
We're not going - to that dance.
- It would practically wipe out - my leather jacket fund.
- What are you - talking about? I've got it all worked out.
I let her think we're going, - and then right before the dance, - I pick a giant fight.
- She gets so mad at me, - she doesn't want to go, And then the next day, - I apologize, - she takes me back, And it's smooth sailing until her birthday.
- MAN: - Malcolm! Where have you been? - I called an emergency - study session.
What? We just had an emergency study session last night.
This is the Academic Octathlon.
- We are pitted - against the brightest minds - From every high school - in the country.
- From now on, we will work - through lunch every day.
- I thought this was supposed - to be fun.
Fun is for losers.
- We're all making - sacrifices, Malcolm.
I've had to blow off my cello lessons.
I missed my uncle's funeral.
I've been tanking my grades for the past three months so I could be our team's mandatory "C" student.
(grunts loudly) - That food is not there - for you to eat, - It is there so I don't get into - trouble for making you work Through lunch.
Now focus! Why can't I quit? This is stupid! - Extracurriculars - are very important.
You think you can coast into college on straight A's? Well, you can't.
- Besides, this is - a good opportunity To meet other smart kids.
- You're never too young - to start making contacts.
Yeah, make friends for life at a nerdfest.
- It's not nerdy - to spend a weekend Winning a trophy that shows how smart you are! Well, you're doing it anyway.
Oh, geez, not the cabinets, too.
Honey, where did I put the ant spray? - Hey, Dad, time - for bedtime express.
Uh, yeah.
Dewey, look, I-I want to talk to you.
- Uh, you're - getting bigger, - And-and there's a - lot of great things About being a big boy, but big boys don't get to do bedtime express, because it hurts Daddy, so even though it's fun, we're not going to do bedtime express anymore.
Okay.
Oh, good.
Then I won't love you anymore.
What? I won't love you anymore.
- Dewey, you can't just - say something like that Because you're upset.
I'm sorry, but I can't help the way I feel.
Good night, Dad.
- Reese, did you get - your tux yet? - Uh, the dance is - in two days.
- Of course I - got my tux.
Good.
Hey, look at this.
It's my dress.
Isn't it amazing? Are you sure this is going to fit because you're so fat.
(laughs) Oh, you're such a goofball sometimes.
- Anyway, I really - like these bows.
- Maybe I should get - matching shoes, - But I don't want it - to look too outfit-y.
Hey, honey, - you won't believe - the day I had.
- I had a pretty - interesting day, too.
I had to wear these filthy clothes to work - because you forgot to pick up - the dry cleaning again.
For crying out loud, I just got off a 12-hour shift.
- The last thing - I need is for you to You know what? Let's not do this.
Do what? Fight.
We argue way too much.
You're right.
Why can't we just both shut up for once and give ourselves time to be in love with each other? Let's just not talk about it.
I am having the best time with Piama today.
It's like every moment was perfect, - and-and seemed - to blend perfectly Into the next perfect moment.
I have had 25 years of days like that with my Gretchen.
I heard that, schminky pants.
I will save this for later.
(laughs) See, when marriage works, there is nothing like it.
Now let me ask you something.
You and Gretchen - You never argue - about chores, right? - Like, if there's an errand - to be run, You do it, she does it, who cares? I never really thought about it.
I am sick and tired of doing all of these chores! Ooh! I work hard all day! I work like a dog, and you don't appreciate it! You just spend money on whatever you want! I spend?! You spend money like we have a key to the mint or someplace! The square root of 8,649 bottles - Of non-alcoholic beer - on the wall The square root of 8,649 bottles (inhales) Beer - Take one down, - pass it around The square root of 8,464 bottles Of non-alcoholic beer on the wall In case you're wondering, they're only at 92 bottles.
Octathletes, I have news.
- One of my informers has just - reported to me That the science portion of this competition will be based on organic chemistry, so break out your textbooks.
We'll start with chapters 23, 24, Sir? - I'm supposed to take - a two-hour nap on the bus, Or I'll get cranky.
Of course.
Would you like us all - to sing you a lullaby, - or perhaps, I could wad up my jacket and make a pillow for you? - I have my own pillow, - thank you.
I just need some help blowing it up.
- I've had it - with this bellyaching! - If any of you are not fully - committed to this team, You are more than welcome to get off the bus right now.
Driver, open the doors.
(bus slows down) I did not say stop.
I said open the doors.
That silly fighting.
Let us never do that again.
That is not us.
No.
I don't know what came over me.
Oh, me, neither, hmm? We will never speak of this again, hmm? Of what? See, I already forgot it.
(laughing) Here - Here you are.
- Oh, thank you.
I am sure you two will be very happy here.
We could be happy anywhere.
Aw.
Let me ask you something.
- I do plenty of - chores, okay?! - Yeah, right! - You may not - realize it, - Because you're out - throwing our money away! - Oh, here we go! - By the way, - Are we actually going to - have sex on this vacation, - Or is it going to be - St.
Croix all over again?! (grunts) I've got to get a stronger spray! - Dewey, I'm going to - the hardware store.
I'll be back soon.
Love you.
That's nice.
Okay, this is crazy.
You can't not love me just because I won't give you bedtime rides.
Yes, I can.
(laughs) - Oh, this is not - going to work, mister.
I know you love me.
I like you.
And that's it? I think you're a nice man.
Fine.
You know what? - Maybe you need to spend - some time in your room - And think about - this a while, okay? - As of right now, - you are grounded! Okay.
And then tomorrow I'm going to buy you a brand-new bicycle.
It's not going to change anything.
Food fight! What the hell are you doing?! - Come on! It's - a food fight.
No, it's not.
- You're just throwing - egg salad at me.
Yeah, 'cause that's the kind of thing I think is fun.
You are such a jerk! That's it! I don't ever want to see you again.
Until the dance! Here it is, children.
The battlefield.
Get comfortable with it.
Make it your own.
I'm getting a panic rash over my homesick rash.
Suck it up, people.
Tomorrow is the finals.
- Now, do you see that - air conditioning vent? - Jefferson High has three - asthmatics on their team.
- If we could just get them - to sit directly beneath - Mr.
Baffert.
- Oh, you've done it again.
- What a stellar job - at organizing Don't suck up, Lionel.
It's pathetic.
Don't worry, sir.
- We were ready - to grab your ankles If you got too far up there.
Hey, Herkabe.
- Surprised to see you - and your band of bed-wetters Had the guts to show up.
Oh, look, it's North High.
- Nous les nourrirons - leurs propres entrailles Et fait les demande plus.
(laughter) Oh, my God.
They brought in Rubinger from Minnesota.
- Who? - IBM's been studying him.
- Rumor has it - he was a Siamese twin That got both brains.
Walk with me.
- You see those little freaks - over there That you call friends now? They need to win here - so they can get into - one of the top colleges Because that's the only way - they're going to become - successful enough - So that people don't - beat them up every day For the rest of their lives.
- Now, are you going - to deny them that? I'll try my best.
Good.
Now, the judges will spot Morse code easily, - so I've developed this - rudimentary fingertip semaphore.
Memorize this.
You want me to cheat? Let's call it success advantaging.
- Forget it.
- I'm not going to cheat.
Guys - Guys, you're not going - to believe this.
- Herkabe actually wants us - to cheat.
What? That isn't right! - Yeah, he's not supposed - to write it down.
That's a paper trail.
You guys are in on this? Malcolm, you have no idea.
This is big.
- This goes further - than you know.
Further than you guys? Oh.
Then you do know.
Are you in or are you out? - MAN: - Hey! Hey! I'm the one who has to fix that if you break it.
Sorry.
You work here? My dad's the manager.
- You know, - for a bunch of dweebs, - You guys sure cause - a lot of trouble.
- I can't believe - you put on SPF45.
It's an indoor pool.
- But we have to cross through - the courtyard to get there.
- How can you be around them - for more than ten seconds And not want to deck one? Trust me, it's not that satisfying.
Plus, some of them are my friends.
Were my friends.
No, still are.
- I'm just not - happy about it.
- What would you do - if your friends - Wanted you to do something - you didn't want to do? Not do it.
Yeah, but see, that won't work.
- Because even if I don't, - they're going to do it anyway.
- And that makes me a part of it, - whether I do it or not, So there's no way out.
Um, there's probably some kind of obvious smart-guy reason I'm missing here, but can't you just leave? Reese! How many times have I told you? - No ice cream - in the living room.
- You're dripping - all over the rug! Are you crazy?! - No, just extremely - disrespectful.
- I mean, what are - you going to do - With a kid like me? - Ground me? You bet I am.
One week in your room.
No TV, no video games, - no contact - with the outside world.
After you take Alison to the dance.
What?! Reese, you made a promise - to that girl - and you are going to keep it.
But how did you? - Look, Reese, - some people are born book-smart.
Others are born crafty and street-smart.
You, I'm afraid, are neither.
(phone ringing) Hello? Mom, come get me.
Look, I have to get out of here.
I'm leaving either way.
- If you're not here - within the next three hours, You can find me walking on the highway, in the dark.
Or maybe I'll hitchhike.
- You know, - I met this guy with a van.
He seemed real friendly.
You should do more chores! I'm too tired.
You should spend less money! We never have sex! Are you too tired for that? How can we when your parents are always visiting? - I cannot wait until I am old - and senile.
I'm going to be - hooked up to life support - in your attic Running you ragged with crazy old person demands.
- I am going to cling - to life for years Just to make you suffer.
Fine.
But I'm not staying here.
That son of a Stop the car! - What? - Stop! (tires screech) I'm staying.
I will not be played like that! - You can punish me - when I get home.
Deal.
- All right, - this has gone far enough.
- Now, I will walk you - to your room, - I will roll you - to your room, - I will race you - to your room, But you are too big to give bedtime rides to.
If you say so.
I say so.
Now, as your father, - I am ordering you to say, - "I love you.
" I love you.
Now say it in a convincing manner.
I love you.
- Now say it - without me telling you to.
- Is this going - to take long? - 'Cause I was going - to get a soda.
Unless I'm too big to drink soda.
Just go.
Oh, for crying out loud.
These things are everywhere! I don't know, Malcolm.
This seems like a very drastic escalation.
- You want to cheat, - right? - Since this is just - a big cheating contest, - I say we out-cheat - everyone else.
- Why do I have to be the one - who does this? - 'Cause you look the most - pathetic in a bathing suit.
I do not! What about? Yeah, okay.
Go, Stevie.
(yelps) Uh, excu-excuse me.
- I got locked out - of my room, And I forgot my towel and I'm very cold.
There you go.
Have a nice day.
Thank you.
I've been swimming! - Good job.
- I'll be out in a minute.
- WOMAN: - I do all the chores, - I make all the money - and I'm sorry - If I'm a little tired - when we get into the bedroom! - That's why we took - this vacation! - We took this vacation to - get away from your parents.
- You have no clue.
- Because you never tell me - What you're thinking! - I'm not a mind-reader! I got the answers.
- I'm going - to go make copies.
You guys stay here - and keep the door open - till I get back.
Everybody look casual.
Now let's see you chicken out.
- What are you doing? - (gasps) - It's not what - it looks like.
- It looks like you're trying - to break your foot - Just so you don't have to go - to the dance with me.
Ha! You couldn't be more wrong.
If you don't want to go with me, then why don't you just break up with me? I really like you, Alison.
I just didn't want to spend all that money on the dance.
I know that was selfish, and I'm really sorry.
But I still really want you to be my girlfriend.
Well thanks for being honest.
But you made a promise to me, and I'm going to hold you to it.
You're going to get me a corsage, and you're going to rent a limo, and you're going to pick me up at 7:00, and we're going to go to the dance.
Okay.
You'll see.
We'll have a great time.
We'll dance the spotlight dance, and we'll make sure we get our picture taken together so we'll always remember this night.
- And then I'll break up with you - forever.
Someone I know was a busy little team player last night.
- It just came to me - what the right thing to do was.
I've never been prouder of you than at this moment.
We never spoke.
Ladies and gentlemen.
We are now ready to begin round one.
The subject will be history.
Question one: "In 1803, the French sold over Louisiana Purchase.
Correct.
(applause) Question two: "What historic document" The Magna Carta.
Correct.
Question three: "Who" Ben Franklin.
That's right.
(crowd murmuring) Settle down, please.
Let's try this again.
Question - ALL: - The defenestration of Prague! Okay - ALL: - The Treaty of Utrecht! Will all coaches join me in the back? - You gave everyone - the test, didn't you? In fingertip semaphore, this means I know what it means! Good night, Dad.
- Dewey, I-I know - it's just an expression, And I'm a mature person, so if you don't want to say it, you don't have to say it.
Thanks for understanding.
Well, I love you! But guess what? I don't love you! And you! And I don't love you or you or you! And I especially don't love you! And you love! - Don't try to get away! - (screams) (coughs) If you just love I-I hate (coughing) (weakly): Oh, no.
Dad, we need more toothpaste.
Dad? - Dad, wake up! - Get out of there! Dad! (grunting) Dad! Get up! Get up, please! Don't die, Dad.
I love you! (coughing) I love you, Dad! (gasping) Are they dead? Am I dead? Well, I-I I passed out.
I How did you pull me all the way over here? I guess 'cause I'm bigger.
(laughing) Oh, good.
Thank you, son.
You saved my life.
I love you.
I love you, Dad.
Well, the results are in.
Since everyone was so well prepared, everybody gets a trophy.
- Jefferson, - you win first place in science.
Quincy, you win in mathematics.
North High, history.
St.
Bartholomew, literature.
And Marshall in ethics.
As you can see, it's a happy ending for all, so long as everybody keeps their mouths shut.
See you next year.
Hey, no hard feelings, okay? I mean, I got you, you got everybody.
It was kind of cool.
Right.
Cool.
- I wonder what - would've happened If we'd played it straight.
- You know, gone - head-to-head for real.
You've got to be kidding.
- Compared to you, - he's a whole other species.
You should be his pet.
Come on.
We're sorry we tried to make you cheat.
- You're our moral compass, - Malcolm.
We'd like to make it up to you somehow.
Let's all pick him up - and carry him to the bus - on our shoulders.
- That's a - great idea.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Actually, I should - sit this one out.
- With my middle - ear condition My scoliosis.
I forgot my orthotics.
Sorry.
Epstein Barr.
Yes, Mr.
Cutler, we have your reservation right here.
- Hey, what time is it there - in Australia? Canceling? Oh, no.
Well, it's a shame to let one argument with your wife spoil Sure, you can ask me whatever you want.
Hi, honey.