Mom s04e16 Episode Script

1 Hey.
Oh, hi.
Your mom said I could hang out.
Hang out, hang yourself, I really don't care.
What's your problem? Oh, sorry.
My car broke down, and I had to walk three miles in these awful polyester pants.
My thighs almost started a fire.
You want me to look at the car? Well, I guess technically it didn't break down.
Technically, it ran out of gas.
How does that happen? There's a gauge, there's a light, some cars go ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
I know, I was just riding the zero.
Help me out, is that a sober thing or a lady thing? No, it's a Plunkett thing.
When my car tells me it's out of gas, I choose not to believe it.
Wow, that's, I don't know what the word is for that.
Maybe stupid? I prefer to think of it as exciting.
A simple trip to the grocery store becomes a life and death adventure.
Yeah, I'm gonna stick with stupid.
So you need a ride somewhere? Well, I was gonna meet the girls at the bistro - and go to a meeting.
- I'll take you.
You sure? I always have plenty of gas in my car.
Coward.
(chuckles) So, how did this "riding the zero" thing get started? Well, first of all, you have to understand, I used to be really poor.
Worse than now? 'Cause you steal toilet paper from work.
You want to hear the story or not? Yeah, yeah, okay.
Sorry.
One day, my gas tank was on empty, but I still had to get to my job.
So, I just ignored it and it kept going.
Eight days.
It was like Hanukkah.
You rode the zero for eight whole days? Kind of makes you tingle, doesn't it? You do know that it's really bad for your engine.
You're such a man.
How about while you're at the meeting, I get some gas and swing by your car, and put a couple of gallons in it? Thank you, Adam.
That's so sweet.
My mom completely does not deserve you.
You're not wrong.
So listen, I need a favor.
I've been talking with a social worker about my foster care application, and I'm supposed to get letters of recommendation from friends saying that I'd be a good mom.
So, Marjorie, I was wondering if you would write one for me.
- I'd be happy to, Jill.
- Thank you.
I would also be happy to write one.
Well, we'll see how many I need.
(cell phone ringing) Huh.
That's a strange number.
Hello.
Yes, this is she.
Yes, I know Christy Plunkett.
- Oh, my God, is she all right? - What's going on? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, I'm on my way.
That was the hospital.
Christy was in a car accident.
- What?! Is she okay? - Oh, no! I don't know.
Come on, I'll drive.
Why didn't they call me? Check your phone, maybe it went to voice mail.
No, nothing.
Oh God, what if she has amnesia and forgot I'm her mother? Then there's a silver lining.
I'm looking for Christy Plunkett.
She was in a car accident.
Yes, she's here.
Are you Marjorie Sponsor? Actually that's me, uh, Marjorie Armstrong-PERUGIAN.
You took Victor's name? Not now.
Is she okay? You'll have to talk to a doctor.
Excuse me, I'm her mother.
Why wasn't I called? The EMT's checked her phone, and Marjorie Sponsor is her emergency contact.
- Here's your visitor's pass.
- Seriously?! She gets to go in and I don't? I'm only authorized to admit the person that's on my log.
This is crazy.
I'm her mother.
Not everyone likes their mother.
Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're okay.
Get out of my way, this is police business.
Oh, baby.
Hi, Mom.
Are you okay? The doctor said I have a concussion, but I'll be fine.
Oh, honey, I'm so relieved, I was terrified.
One question, why is Marjorie your emergency contact? - What? - Bonnie, this is not the time.
You're right, you're right.
The important thing is that you're okay.
What happened? It's all kind of fuzzy.
I was going to the bistro and this car came out of nowhere.
It's just weird that the hospital didn't call me.
Am I in your phone as "Bonnie" or "Mom"? Great, you're all here.
Christy's CT scan was clear so she can go home.
Oh, good.
But she'll need rest and somebody's got to keep an eye on her.
That would be me, her mother.
And while I may not be her emergency contact, I will not leave her side until she's completely recovered.
Thanks, Mom.
How's Adam? He's fine.
Why? - He was driving the car.
- What? Oh, no.
- JILL: Oh, my God.
- You didn't know that? No, Wendy, I didn't know that 'cause nobody called me! He's just down the hall.
Go.
You're sure? I'm surrounded by doctors and nurses.
I'm safer here than I am at home.
I'll be right back.
I always forget you have a job.
(Jill laughs) - Oh, my God, are you okay? - Oh.
- I've been better.
How's Christy? - Oh.
She's gonna be fine.
What happened? Guy came out of nowhere, I never saw him.
Did you break your arm? - No, I just dislocated it.
- Oh.
Oh, look who finally showed up.
Danielle? What are you doing What is your ex-wife doing here? - I'm his emergency contact.
- Oh, come on! - (laughs) - (laughs) Don't be upset.
I'm sure he just never got around to changing it.
I'm probably still the voice on his answering machine.
You told me that was your mother.
Um can I have my soda? Yeah.
I'll give it to him.
I just talked to your doctor.
He said they're sending you home soon.
Great, you'll come home with me.
Babe, I'm gonna need to go back to my place.
- Why? - I'm down to one working limb here.
I can't even take a shower in your apartment.
Now, will you be able to stay with him? He's gonna need help.
- Damn.
- What? I-I've got to take care of Christy.
Aw, aren't you a good mom? What's that supposed to mean? D-Don't worry, I will take care of this big lug, get him back into fighting shape.
(chuckles) Is that cool with you? That your ex-wife is gonna take care of you? I'm super-duper.
Ah.
And you were so sure she was gonna flip out.
Isn't he silly? It's You all done? Yeah.
Oh, you didn't eat a lot.
You feeling okay? I have a headache, I'm nauseous and I don't remember much.
So, kind of like I'm 20 again.
But I'm alone in a bed I recognize, so that's good news.
God, that must've been so scary for you.
It was.
When I was in the ambulance, I kept thinking about all the things I've never done, all the places I've never been.
Europe? Actually, Orlando.
All right, the doctor said I'm supposed to ask you these questions to make sure you're recovering from the concussion.
Now what is your name? Christy Jolene Plunkett.
Okay.
What is the name of this place? Earth? I'll accept that.
What day of the week is it? - I don't know.
- I don't, either.
And the final question, why the hell aren't I your emergency contact?! What? You programmed Marjorie into your phone.
I don't remember your giant head poking out of her patooch.
I changed it when you relapsed, and I guess I never got around to changing it back.
Oh.
So it used to be me? - Well - Oh! Come on, man.
- I am great in an emergency.
- I'll change it, I'll change it.
No, I don't want you to change it 'cause I made you.
I want you to change it 'cause you trust me.
I totally trust you.
Good, 'cause I'm not the person I used to be.
I know that.
And if the people who used to know me weren't all dead or in jail, they'd be amazed.
And yet you're alive and walk free.
- What's that? - I love you.
I love you, too.
All right then, I'm gonna give Adam a call and see how he's doing.
Please tell him I'm sorry.
None of this would've happened if I had put gas in my car.
Ah, riding the zero.
Yep.
How many days you get? - Four.
- (exhales) Respect.
Hey, remember when we drove that old Buick Skylark from Denver to Salt Lake with nothing in the tank? Well, to be fair, we were going down a mountain.
Mountain my ass, it was a miracle.
(cell phone ringing) Adam's phone.
Danielle.
Could I please speak with Adam on Adam's phone? Oh, Adam was right, you really are a hoot.
Uh, unfortunately, he's sleeping right now.
Uh-huh.
So, you gonna head out? No, we decided that I should stay tonight, you know, in case he needs help using the bathroom or bathing.
Bathing? He had a car accident, he didn't fall in a mud puddle.
Bonnie, I'm sleeping on the couch, you have nothing to worry about.
(chuckling): Oh sweetie, I wasn't worried.
- Oh, good.
Bye-bye.
- Wait, I Hello? Damn it.
- CHRISTY: Mom? - Oops.
I'm here, baby! Hey there, sleepyhead.
Aah What are you doing here? Just taking care of you while your mom pees a circle around her boyfriend.
What? Okay.
Now, I've got some concussion questions I'm supposed to ask you.
What is your name? Christy Jolene Plunkett.
- Your middle name's Jolene? - Yes.
Then why the hell do you go by Christy? 'Cause Jolene's stupid.
Oh, well I guess my dead grandma's name is stupid then.
Wait, where's my mom? Hey! I'm asking the questions here.
What is the name of this place? Orlando.
So now, where's my mom? She's at Adam's.
She asked me to fill in, which is great, because it gives me a chance to use what I'm learning in my mommy classes.
Okay.
I don't think I like your tone.
I'm sorry, I just meant that I know what you meant.
You still don't think I'd be a good mother.
No, I'm just kind of waking up.
I can read between the lines.
What lines? The lines we draw when we hurt each other! I think I might be in danger.
Adam? ADAM: It's open! That's when you had that stupid Smokey and the Bandit mustache.
That was a Magnum mustache and you loved it.
Hey, baby.
Ah, am I interrupting happy hour? Oh, no, we'll just keep drinking.
Danielle made martinis.
I took a pain pill, they say you shouldn't mix them with alcohol, but they were wrong.
Hey, I know I can't get you one of these, but would you like something non-alcoholic, like, maybe a juice box? No.
Thanks.
I just came to see my boyfriend.
That's me.
Okay.
So I'm assuming you're feeling better.
Oh yeah.
I took a nap and then Danielle gave me a sponge bath.
All of you? Oh, relax, I mean, it's not like there's anything there that I haven't already seen.
It's not seeing it I'm worried about, it's polishing it.
(giggling) - Not funny.
- Not funny.
Listen, if you have to get back to your daughter, everything's under control here.
One of my friends is watching her, I can hang for a while.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you two give each other a sponge bob and I'll watch.
Mm-mm.
This is one terrific sandwich.
This is the kind of sandwich that would make any adult or child feel very, very loved.
Give me a break, it's grilled cheese.
Oh, okay, that answers one of my questions.
Come on, Jill, I didn't mean to upset you.
I was just mad 'cause my mom left.
And now I realize I'm better off.
Really? Yeah.
You think she would've made me a grilled cheese sandwich then let me watch her play Candy Crush? Thank you, Christy Jo.
I guess I'm a little extra vulnerable right now.
This foster process is kind of grueling.
So many hoops to jump through.
It's, like, give me the damn kid, you dimwits.
(scoffs) I get it.
I mean, here I am, recovering from a head injury, and you're the one having a tough time.
Right? (sighs) You comfy? Do you need anything? - I am a little cold.
- Really? I'm warm.
I'll open the window.
(snoring) If you're looking for your drink, I moved it over there.
How thoughtful.
Oh, I see we lost Adam.
Yeah, opiates and alcohol will do that to a person.
Not me or Keith Richards, but we're gifted that way.
(snoring) You can run along now, I'll put him to bed.
No, I promised him I'd stay and I would never break a promise.
Uh-huh.
Unless it was a marriage vow.
- So that's how you're gonna play it? - I'll play it any way you want.
Fine.
(snores) (farts) You realize that whoever wins this gets him.
(farts) CHRISTY: Jill, I appreciate your help, but I can go to the bathroom by myself.
Don't forget to wash your hands.
I got it! - Christy, I'm worried.
- About what? I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a mother.
Why would you say that? It's just that I've been here all day taking care of you, and frankly, it's kind of tedious.
(toilet flushing) And a little icky.
- Trust me, you're overthinking it.
- Hands.
Okay.
(sighs) People make parenting seem so fulfilling.
What people are you talking about? Facebook people, Instagram people, Kelly Ripa.
Well, no one's gonna post a video of their kid finger-painting with dog poop.
Does that happen? It's most of what happens.
Then why do people do it? This might be the concussion talking, but 'cause it's worth it.
It's 60% hard work, 40% joy Your numbers may vary but it makes you feel like your life's worth something.
So you really think I can do this? I know you can do it.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Now get some rest.
- Christy? - Yeah? Leave the light on.
How about I leave the hall light on and keep the door open a crack? Deal.
(exhales) She's right.
I'm gonna make a great mom.
- You comfy? - Mm-hmm.
- You have enough pillows? - Yep.
- You love me? - I do.
Then why am I not your emergency contact?! (bangs) Ow.
(sighs) Okay, Danielle, here's the deal.
I'm going to hire someone to take care of Adam.
Ideally, a large Filipino man.
Are you really so threatened that you'd rather have a stranger tending to him? I'm not threatened.
You're threatened.
- Why would I be threatened? - Because I'm threatening you.
Oh, honey.
You don't want to do that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Adam told me you were in the Army a million years ago, so I'm sure you're really great at making a bed.
But I have been beating snot out of people since grade school and I'm really in the mood to beat the snot (yells) What just happened? ADAM: You two girls getting along out there?