New Girl s04e16 Episode Script

The guys and I are about to leave for the airport, and I'm so excited to see you.
- Is that Ryan? - I can't wait for you to see my hometown.
It's going to be just like An Affair to Remember, only instead of the Empire State Building on New Year's Eve, it's going to be a winery near the Portland airport at my dad's wedding.
Anyway, I love you, I miss you.
Hello? Hello? Sounds like I lost you for a minute! Are you there?! Where's my widdle Eng-wish man? And with that, Ryan walked into the River Thames and accepted death.
The joke's on you, 'cause I wasn't even talking to him.
I was leaving a voice mail.
Haven't talked to him for a week.
Are you guys making a group face? - No, we're not - No.
- Nah.
- Guys, look, Ryan and I are great.
Really? 'Cause he doesn't call enough.
And when he does, it's in the middle of the night.
Ryan didn't want to move to England, he had to move to England.
For the last couple of weeks, you've been keeping Nick hours, and and it's ugly.
Hey.
Sorry.
I was talking to Ryan before he went to work and I must have fallen asleep.
Friend to friend, am I wearing pants? The situation isn't ideal, however, long distance is super romantic.
Plus I don't have to shave my legs every day which is a real plus.
You know, Fawn shaves herself from toe to chin.
Every single day.
God, I love my girlfriend.
Hey.
Oh, Cece.
Yeah, what? Huge news.
Jake Apex is coming to the wedding.
Jake Apex? Who is Jake Apex? Jake Apex is Cece's high school crush.
Never did anything for me, but turned Cece to soup.
- Thanks.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Is he one of them Portland hippies? 'Cause I hate them Portland hippies.
He is a legend.
Every time I spoke to him, I'd have a full-blown tiny kid stroke.
Hey, killer.
I d uh mm Yeah, well, I got a bad feeling about this guy.
Why, because he's bomb and Cece wants some? No.
Other reasons.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents.
How do you know Apex is so cute? I just assumed.
Winston, stop with the look, okay? Otherwise I will murder you and clean up your blood with your cat.
All right? For the 50th time, I do not like Schmidt.
Good luck finding my cat.
You know, I haven't seen him in weeks.
My best man suit.
Oh.
I'm my dad's best man.
He wanted a boy.
My middle name's Christopher.
Yeah.
You're scheming on a thing, that's sabotage I can't stand it, I know you planned it I'm-a set it straight, this Watergate The Co-Pays are awesome.
I can't believe they're also pharmacists.
I'm-a Buddy Rich when I fly off the handle What could it be? It's a mirage You're scheming on a thing, that's sabotage.
That's really good.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This is a nice place.
I mean, it's not the best vineyard in Portland.
- Here we go.
- That's Bartleby Cellars, of course.
How would you even know that? Whenever Coach goes to a new city, he learns all about it, like a real weirdo.
I was an army brat, all right? I moved a lot.
Assimilating was key.
Oh, and by the way, calling somebody weird in Portland is actually a compliment, so thank you, Nick.
Hey, oh.
It's just Oh.
Sorry, I thought I heard my phone ringing.
Ryan's supposed to call me before he gets on the plane.
- Oh! Sorry.
- Jess, just take your phone out.
No, Nick, I want to be here with you guys.
I want to Sorry.
I just want to Sorry.
Does anybody else hear buzzing? - No.
- No, 'cause it's not buzzing.
No, honey, but, you know, he's going to be here soon, okay? Yeah.
Are you guys still touring the city? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I made about 12 drafts of this map.
Couldn't figure out where to go.
Had to fit 18 years into one morning.
So, here it is.
Aw.
I'm so excited to show him Portland, and my mom is so excited to meet him.
And I'm going to show him - Jess, it's not buzzing.
- It's not buzzing.
- I promise you it's not.
- It's not buzzing.
- Oh, there's my dad.
- Hey, guys.
Sounded great.
You sounded great.
You look terrific, too.
Hey! - Oh, there's my daughter.
- Oh I thought we talked about you not calling me that.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, how's the food? I haven't eaten in three weeks.
Trying to fit into my wedding dress.
Had a dream about a crouton last night.
And, um And that was the whole dream.
Ooh, before I forget, best man.
Aw.
The wedding rings.
Hey, I want you to meet a bunch of relatives that are all going to be dead in a couple of years.
- Oh, good idea.
- Oh.
Hey, what happened to the British guy? He's coming tomorrow.
Hey, Jake.
Jake Apex.
That's him.
That's him right there.
I will say one thing about that man that I've only said about Ryan Gosling hot damn! What's up, Winston? I'm gonna just go I'm gonna go talk to him, yeah.
- You're good.
- Yup.
- You're okay.
- Gonna I didn't know that was a thing.
You Okay.
Oh, this is very hard to watch.
It's like when Bob Costas had that eye infection at the O-Lympics.
You mean the Olympics.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Okay, what happened? Did I look cool? - Uh - Define "cool.
" What happened? I don't know what hap I blacked out.
Okay, look, Cece I'm gonna help you.
I'm Usher, you're Bieber.
And Jake Apex is all the hot tracks that we're going to make together.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, um Ryan's not coming.
Oh, boy.
He has to work on Monday and he thought, ultimately, it didn't make sense, which makes sense.
It's not a big deal.
But the tour's canceled.
: Hey, Randy, the tour's canceled.
: I don't know why I did that.
Anyway, go ahead, Nick.
Go ahead.
Talk about how much this sucks.
Tell me that Ryan's not coming 'cause he's a blank who's a blank.
I do have one thing to say.
While you were away, we were all talking about how much we wanted to go on the tour.
So don't cancel it.
We'll do it with you! - Really? - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yes! Really? - Yes! - Fired up.
- We haven't stopped talking about - Yeah, man.
Couldn't be more excited.
All 18 places! - There's 18? - Wow.
I'm going to add a few more stops, then.
I definitely know you'd enjoy the Shakespeare Garden.
Ha-ha, great.
Guys, Jess says she's fine, but I know she's not.
Okay? She needs cheering up.
We're in her hometown.
I can't believe Ryan bailed.
I'm not happy with what Ryan's doing.
It's, it's not cool.
But today, it's all sunshine and smiles.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Let me, let me get sunshine.
Let me get sunshine.
Okay, yeah, you can be sunshine.
Yes! Here she is Sunshine and smiles! - Jess! - Sending the sun in! Hi.
So I'm sorry this is so small.
It was just meant for Ryan and me.
- No worries.
- No problem.
- It's great.
Your shoes look super-cute.
- You look great.
- You look great.
- Let's see if Ryan - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Give me that purse! No more checking in with Ryan.
The tour starts now.
And there's the Italian soda shop where I first learning what a "not" joke was.
Not! I I learned it, actually, in the candle shop, next-door.
People don't really do "not" jokes anymore.
Not! They'll be in forever! - Right, guys? - Not! And there's the dance studio where I had my first kiss with the cutest/only boy in my jazz troupe.
Then he came out of the closet super gay.
Then we kissed some more.
Then he went to Oberlin.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop in that store! I'm going full Portland, people.
I'm so Portland right now, they all staring at me like, "Is that the president of Portland?" I'm like, "No.
" This is the very pizza place where we'd dab our pizzas with our napkins, to get the grease off, and then we'd make this kid named Joey eat the napkins.
I'm not gonna lie I'm Joey.
Hmm.
: Oh, my God.
Oh, no, he's here.
He's here.
He just walked in.
Oh, is he a firefighter? Seems pretty easy in Portland, huh? Rain just does the work for you.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
No! Do do not go and talk to him.
Do not go and talk to him.
Cece, not everything's about you, you narcissist.
All right, just go to the bathroom, like you said you'd And he's talking to him.
Just don't look.
Just don't look.
Oh, well, he's looking at you.
- What? What? Really? - No, like, right now, he's staring at you.
Don't, don't, don't, don't look, don't look.
Don't look.
The cutest one's looking right at me.
I don't see a "cute" or "not cute" one, Coach.
If you had to choose, which one's the cutest? Way to the left.
: I'm super nervous.
Now my hands are sweating.
Then wipe 'em off.
If he comes over and shakes your hand, - you don't want sweaty hands.
- Oh, my God! He said he thinks you're cute.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, Nick, can I have my phone? You know what? Never mind.
I don't care.
So this is my childhood home, the place of my birth.
Thank you guys so much for doing this, and coming on this tour with me.
I forgot all about Hello, hello, hello, darling! Where's the famous Mr.
Geauxinue? Um well actually, um, Ryan had to cancel last-minute, so he's not coming.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, honey that's just awful.
Aw Damn men.
Oh, I feel so bad for you.
Hey, Mom Mom Oh, honey Um don't get emotional, okay? 'Cause if you get emotional, I'll get emotional.
Let's talk about happy stuff.
Did you guys see the video of the panda farting and falling of a branch? - Pretty crazy, man.
- It was funny.
It was funny.
It made me laugh.
Who wants scramblies? You know I do, Mom.
: Good.
Look, this might not be the right time to say this, you guys, but, uh, should we take a straw poll on this whole Cosby thing? I just want to clarify to everyone here that I am fine.
Which is why I'm fine.
- Great! - Yeah.
- Finer than fine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which is why I'm fine.
- Fantastic! - I'm fine, too.
Everybody's great.
- Perfect.
I'm not fine! I can't do this anymore.
It's not all smiles and sunshine.
It's not! Look, Ryan bailed and that's a dick move.
And that's the truth.
: I'm fine, I'm just gonna go to my room.
: I made scones.
Was that sunshine or smiles? Hmm? Oh Joanie I don't want to lie to you, so I'm not There's shells all in these eggs.
So, Joan, how do you, uh, feel about Bob getting remarried? Mm! Oh, I'm fine.
I just feel bad for Ashley.
I mean, let's just say he's a man with a healthy appetite, except one thing.
Well, that's a visual.
I don't really have a burning desire to stick around for the wedding, so I'm going on a trip - with some friends.
- Hmm! A trip I've never taken before.
Hmm! Hey! You mind if I turn this down? "AP Stat Jams.
" Advanced Placement.
Very smart.
How many Lilith Fairs did you go to? Oh, Method Man performed at that one? It's Liliths Fair.
Like "passersby" or "attorneys general.
" Well, look, I came to, uh give you this.
Text Ryan as much as you want, it's none of my business.
I just think long-distance relationships suck.
I once broke up with a woman who lived in Irvine, and that's only 30 minutes away.
Mind you, I had hornets living in my car at the time, which was a factor, but the commute was also a big part of it.
Well, look, Nick, we're different, and just because it's difficult with Ryan, doesn't mean we're doomed.
We're star-crossed lovers.
We're like Kate and Leo or Claire and Leo, or whatever blonde Leo is taking on boats.
They're all doomed.
Leo ain't gonna settle down He ain't ready.
I'm a hopeless romantic, and I always have been.
Which is why I mean, it's a nice notion, it's just from 1994 to 2001, I believed that Jordan Catalano was gonna show up in my driveway after a dirt bike accident, all scruffy and beautiful and he would need a bath and some medical attention.
You think that little boy is driving a dirt bike? He looks a lot like you.
That's me, that's Jordan Catalano.
I honestly couldn't tell the difference.
I swear to God.
I'm not trying to be mean.
You know what the problem with Jordan Catalano is? Yeah an undiagnosed learning disability.
Oh, I didn't know the boy had mental problems I wouldn't be teasing him, but No, it's that he's fake.
The only thing that matters is if the guy is there for you when you need him.
Otherwise, you're dating a wall.
I have to get to my dad's wedding.
I didn't I didn't come in here trying to be harsh, I'm ju I was trying to be helpful and it's not working and I apologize.
I was coming in as a friend, Je I'm sure that's just her.
Well, the dream's dead.
Apparently, Jake Apex has to work, so he's not gonna come to the wedding.
I'm wearing the craziest underwear for nothing.
Okay, look, Cece, you know what we do? We regroup.
No, it's fine, Schmidt.
I'm over it.
It is not fine.
Look, Cece, you're the most amazing woman I ever met.
If you want Jake Apex, I'm gonna help you get Jake Apex.
I'm never gonna stop trying to make you happy, Cece.
I promise you, for the rest of my Oh, look at that, it's Fawn.
Hello, Councilwoman Moscato.
: Oh, yeah.
: Guys! I forgot the rings at the house.
They're in my purse in my room.
And now I have to go get my dad ready.
Apparently, he's wearing some kind of a male corset.
All right, Coach and I will get the rings You don't have a car.
All right.
Okay.
Wait! All right.
Let's do this.
: Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
- Okay, ready? - Yep, yep.
Go easy.
I'm not on! - You're not?! - I'm not on! I'm not on! You don't have the rings?! - Well, Dad, hold on - You don't have the rings?! Oh! Damn it, no! That's No, this is bad.
We're doomed! You look beautiful, but we are doomed.
Oh, yeah.
I wish these were filled with ground beef.
Oh, wait, this is Nick! Nick's calling! He's probably walking in the door.
Here.
Hey.
I found the purse, but your mom has the rings.
What? Can you ask her for them? Yeah, it's a little hard right now.
Remember she said she was going on a trip? It's gonna be a hair longer.
It's acid, isn't it? What is taking them so long? : Hi! Um so the wedding will begin shortly.
But first, I'm gonna start you off with a crowd-pleasing, nondenominational Something in it for everyone "Ave Maria.
" Ah Ve Joan, I need you to focus.
I need you to help me find those rings.
We have the rings.
They all all of you We all have the rings.
Everyone's got the ring.
Come into the womb.
- Come into the womb.
- I don't want to come in the womb.
- Come into the womb.
- I'm not a womb guy! I'm not a womb guy! Mari - Show me the rings! - The womb.
Reverse.
Birth.
Can I just see that? Reverse.
Birth.
That's not it.
Ah Ah - Reverse.
Birth.
- Here we go! This is a real Portland experience! Ah, hippie hair in my mouth! Hippie hair in my mouth! And with that message from Beaker, all of the Muppets have wished Bob and Ashley a very happy wedding.
: Except for me.
: Cookie Monster, is that you? Now, I understand, Cookie Monster, you've got a very special song to sing for us.
: Yes, I do! Ah Ve Mari There are a lot of ways to stall a wedding, okay? And you just happened to Go talk to him.
Yeah.
Talk to the guy you like.
Hey, killer.
Hey, so, uh I'd love to see you again before you leave.
To be honest with you, Cece, I've always had a crush on you.
Oh, God.
Okay, so I've never said this out loud before, but I'm in love with someone else.
It's kind of complicated because he has a girlfriend, so I can't tell anybody.
I mean, Winston knows, but you, you don't know Winston.
I got to get back to the truck soon.
Power steering's out again.
I'm the only one strong enough to drive it.
- Of course.
- But, uh, I guess I'll see you around.
Yeah, I guess.
- Okay, okay.
- Got it.
Oh, my God! Thank God you guys are here! Is my mom okay? It's actually really hard riding one of these bikes; it's super tiring.
I don't have a watch on.
I don't know why I'm doing that.
Dad, I Aren't they cute? Cute as a mute.
That's a thing.
People-people say that.
Love is never what you think it's gonna be, is it? No, it isn't.
Hey, Nick you were right.
He should've been here.
I need a guy who shows up.
'Cause anything else just isn't real.
Jess, you should, uh, know something, too.
I touched both your mother's breasts in a communal womb earlier today.
I didn't do it on purpose, but there it is.
Thanks for telling me.
I appreciate it.
It's a relief to get it off my shoulders.
Thanks for being cool about it.
I'll leave you alone.
Wait, what? I didn't read about this place.
That's because it's not in any guidebook, Tagliaboo.
It is called Crush Pond.
At least that's what Jess and I used to call it.
We used to come down here when she liked somebody.
We'd throw a rock in the pond, and we'd wish that they liked her back.
- Huh.
- I'd sit over there and smoke cloves while she did that.
I broke up with Ryan.
- Wow.
- Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
How'd he take it? Actually, pretty good.
- So you got his voice mail.
- Yeah.
Sounds about right.
Last stop on the tour.
Um it's Crush Pond.
So say a name in your head and throw the rock in the pond, and they'll love you forever.
Um, and for the record, that's actually never worked.
So we're gonna do it anyways? Yeah.
We're really gonna do this? I got a big one.
: I know who your rock is for.
Winston, you better shut up before I knock that fade right off your head.
: You don't know me like that, Cece.
I swear - Oh, I know you like that, trust me.
- Swear to God Uh, I'm gonna say Detroit Pistons.
You're not getting it, man.
What-what is it? You got to say, like, a lady's name.
Oh.
Gladys.
- A lady you know.
- Oh.
To whoever you are, can't wait to meet you.
And I hope you live close by.
Three, two, one.