NewsRadio (1995) s04e16 Episode Script

Do you need a pointer, Mr.
James? No, I've got one of these laser pointers here.
[ Clicks .]
[ Clicks .]
No, no! Don't put it in your mouth.
Would you get Mr.
James a regular pointer? Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Good.
Close your door on the way out, and tell me the instant Matthew's birthday present gets here.
Can I look at it? Don't look at it.
Okay.
Now-- Oh, oh.
You guys remember that secret workplace analysis I had commissioned? No.
You know, the guys who have been secretly observing everyone in the office for the past six months? - No.
- Good.
I got-- I got the results, and here they are.
Check it out.
I don't believe this.
It's got everything in here.
Mm-hmm.
[ Lisa .]
Wow, Dave.
Look how much coffee you drink.
Yeah, well, look how many times you go to the bathroom.
You know, you two get a sequined thermos and a silver toilet, you could put on quite a magic show.
But I digress.
Okay, here's, uh-- - The point I wanted to make is this right here.
- What's that? Well, this is all that boiled down into one easy-to-read graph.
See, the red line represents Lisa's productivity.
The blue line is Dave's.
Well, it looks like our productivity has dropped off a little bit-- Yeah? Hell! Dropped off a little bit? It's like an Olympic ski jump.
Come on, kids.
Look.
We got a very serious drop-off of productivity here on-- I don't know-- around November 12.
Oh.
And what's November 12? November 12 is the day you broke up with me.
Ah, well.
Yes, but if you recall, that was ultimately a mutual decision.
Wasn't a mutual decision.
Yes, it was.
No one consulted with me.
Matthew's birthday present's here.
Oh, good.
I'll be right back, but I want you to think about this.
You know, it actually is kind of interesting.
Well, it's not as interesting as this.
Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year.
Seven hundred and fifty.
One.
Why do we have to wear these stupid party hats anyway? Because if I'm the only one wearing a stupid party hat, I'll feel like a dork.
Why do you have to wear it? Okay.
Now, when the elevator doors open, we'll all yell surprise.
I'm all over that.
[ Elevator Bell Dings .]
[ Together .]
Surprise! Where is he? I don't know.
He said he was coming.
Do you want me to go look for him or what? Ohh! Matthew, this party's for you.
Oh.
God, I thought it was weird that somebody else had my exact same birthday.
Yeah.
Maybe we'll just skip the surprise part and go straight to the present, huh? Now you're speaking my language.
Matthew, on behalf of everyone-- but especially me 'cause I picked it out and paid for it-- - happy birthday.
- Oh, my-- Wow! Yeah.
That is cool.
Yeah, she's, uh-- she's all yours, son.
Oh.
[ Sniffs .]
Ah.
Nothing like that tiny, new-car smell.
Okay, number one, thank you very much.
Yeah.
Number two, this is totally awesome.
And number three-- Eat my dust, suckers! [ Horn Beeps .]
Look.
Wh-When you guys are a couple, your productivity is through the roof.
When you're broken up, in the toilet.
Yeah, but what about these spikes? This was after we broke up.
Yeah, actually I don't quite understand those either.
Yeah, I mean, like, January 1.
Oh.
- It was the New Year's party.
- Ah! Yeah, well, uh-- Yeah, well, anyway-- Yeah, but what about these on February 19? Well, the figures all seem to be pretty sound-- Yeah, it's weird, though, because this one doesn't go quite as high as the other one.
Well, you know, I'd been drinking, and-- You know, thanks, sir.
Thank you for bringing this to our attention.
Okay.
- We'll take care of it.
- Fine.
I'll just get out of your way here, - so you two can consummate this thing.
- Uh-uh.
Excuse me? You two are getting back together, right? Well, that's not something that we'd considered, sir.
Fine.
You want to play hardball? I can play hardball.
Okay, maybe, uh-- Yeah.
Maybe this'll change your minds a little bit.
No, Mr.
James, this really isn't an issue of money.
Here you go.
This paper says "please.
" I'm actually willing to say that if that's, you know, what it takes.
Well, that is a very generous offer.
Good.
Okay.
So you two probably need time to think about this, so I'll-- You keep that.
[ Door Closes .]
Well, I, uh-- I suppose it can't hurt to discuss the feasibility of some sort of relationship.
- You mean on a purely professional level? - Of course.
Yeah, well, all right.
Um, for starters I'd like to say that I think last couple of months we've managed to establish a remarkably harmonious, post-romantic friendship.
- Thereby exceeding all expectations.
- Quite so.
Although there are times when I do - miss the warmth and intimacy of our former arrangement.
- As do I.
Dave, let's not get emotional about this.
[ Horn Beeps .]
[ Horn Beeps .]
Here's that research that you wanted.
Mr.
James wants to see you guys in the break room right away.
[ Back-up Alarm Beeping .]
Table for two.
[ Sighs .]
Come on, Joe.
Yeah, I'm not nuts about it either, but Jimmy's giving me 50 bucks.
A hundred if you guys wind up doing it.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Uh, this is very thoughtful, Mr.
James, and we were discussing your proposal-- Okay, just hear me out.
Hear me out.
Have a seat.
There you go.
Yeah.
Maybe a little bubbly to wet your whistle.
Joseph? - Hi.
My name is Joseph.
I'll be your waiter this morning.
- Hi, Joe.
Hey.
Today we have specials.
Our appetizers are oysters on the half shell.
Oysters.
You know what that means.
It means sex.
Hey, wait a minute, guys.
Ju-- Oh! Oh, never mind, Beth.
Wait, no.
Hang on.
I think I'm getting the hang of it.
Listen to this.
[ Scratching .]
- "Lady of Spain?" - No.
"Safety Dance.
" Are you tone deaf? Stuck playing second fiddle, eh, Jim? [ Chuckling .]
What's troubling you, old soul? Well, Dave and Lisa are better as a couple, right? Of course they are.
They belong together like "H" and two "O.
" I tried everything-- candlelight, oysters, Stradivarius.
They're just so-- so damn stubborn.
I understand.
Well, there's nothing wrong with a grown man trying to correct the childhood trauma of a broken home.
I didn't come from a broken home.
I was talking about me.
Oh.
Want to give it a shot? Thought you'd never ask.
Good.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a fire to stoke.
Attaboy.
Ohh! I don't know what it is, but you sure have the magic touch, Beth.
I'm not Beth.
Then why are you doing that? Lisa, why don't we go out for lunch today? Just you, me, a bottle of wine and thou.
Okay, Bill.
We have to go over your editorials for next week anyway.
Delicious.
Why is he doing that? I don't know, but he's really good at it.
- Better than Beth? - Almost.
Want a turn? Yeah, sure.
What the hell.
All right, Bill.
Dig in.
Let's see what you're made of.
Lisa seems to like it when I do this.
Hmm.
I can see why.
Mmm! Mm-hmm.
Okay, you're done.
Hey! Not so fast, cowboy.
Come on.
Mmm.
[ Horn Beeps .]
Watch out.
Thank you.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh.
Ho-ho! You gotta watch it.
Whoa! Watch out there.
Gotta watch where you-- [ Gasps .]
[ Horn Beeps, Tires Screech .]
[ Woman Screams .]
[ Horn Continues Beeping .]
[ Sighs .]
Matthew, for the last time, Bambi's mother didn't really die.
- It's not that this time.
- Oh.
Well, what is it? Oh, Beth.
There's been a terrible, terrible accident.
Well, what happened? Well, I was toolin' around upstairs, right? And I thought I'd open her up and see what she could do.
So I was going a good five, six miles an hour and-and-and suddenly, bam.
"Bam," what? I ran into a woman.
With your little car? [ Laughing .]
It's not funny, Beth.
I hit her.
And then I-I just panicked, and I-- I drove away.
Uh-huh.
Did you hurt her? I don't know.
Well, I knocked her shoe off.
I know that much.
Well, why'd you take her shoe? Because I don't want her to have any evidence.
I don't have a license.
Really? Not even a little, tiny one? Okay, we get it.
The car is small.
Can we just get over that and move on, please? Sorry.
Okay.
You know what? Why don't you just go upstairs and apologize to her? No.
'Cause what if she called the cops? The little, tiny ones? Beth, come on.
Help me out.
Okay, why don't you just take her shoe back to her? That works every time.
I do have to do that.
Beth.
Beth! - Yeah? - The battery is dead.
Oh, okay.
Hang on.
I think I got some double-A's in my desk.
[ Knocking .]
- Hey, muchacho.
- Hey, Bill.
You're taking it well, compadre.
Well, you know, I try to, you know-- for the sake of others.
Of course, it's a great help to me that I have no idea what you're talking about.
Always the last to know.
How classic.
Yeah.
- I took Lisa out to lunch.
- Did you? Did you? Good for you.
It was a lot more than lunch, you know.
A lot more.
Wait a minute.
You and Lisa didn't have coffee? Yes, coffee in bed.
After we did it.
Bill, you and Lisa didn't do anything.
All right? I-I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, but I've got work to do, so leave.
I don't care about making you jealous, Dave.
I just care about pleasing your woman.
Lisa is not my woman.
And how.
[ Horn Beeps .]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Whoops.
Sorry.
Wrong office.
No, I'm so-- Yeah, no.
Whoops.
Sorry.
Oh.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Huh.
- I was-- I was just looking for you.
- Oh.
Really? Yeah.
I don't know if you remember me, but I hit you with my car about an hour ago.
And I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and-- Oh, yeah.
Give you your shoe back.
I'm fine.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, good.
Okay.
Thanks.
Good, 'cause-- Boy, you must think me quite the bounder for speeding off like that, but I-- Does this thing have a real motor? It sure does.
That ain't the only thing that's real, baby.
[ Laughs .]
[ Both Laughing .]
[ Lisa .]
What the hell is Bill doing? Oh, he's, uh-- he's trying to make me jealous so that you and I will get back together again.
You know, this is getting completely out of hand.
I know.
He even tried to tell me that you two had had sex.
What? Bill, get in here.
'Course, I didn't believe a word of it, 'cause, I mean, that could never happen, right? What, are you kiddin' me? Yeah, of course I'm kidding.
'Cause that would never happen, right? Dave, how can you even say that? I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
But you wouldn't with Bill, right? Unbelievable.
Bill! Get in here! What's goin' on? [ Sighs .]
In the future, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making implausible insinuations about my sex life.
You got it.
Though I think the word "implausible" is a little strong.
No, it's not.
Bill, look at me.
I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth.
That's a bit of an exaggeration.
No, it's not.
If you were the last man on earth, not only would I not have sex with you, I would migrate to another continent and probably kill myself with a boulder to make sure that your genes didn't live on.
Do you understand? Sorry.
Unicorn please don't be forlorn Unicorn, hey, unicorn Matthew.
- Yeah? - Matthew, what are you doing? What? I'm-- Hang on a second, Dave.
[ Car Alarm Beeps .]
So, what can I do you for? Take the toy car off your desk and get back to work.
Oh, Dave, let me just put one more coat on it, please.
I got a real hot date tonight.
Well, good for you.
You know what-- If you're trying to get Lisa back, you might want to get yourself one of these babies.
'Cause the chicks dig the wheels.
I sincerely doubt that.
Well, I know one who does.
See, apparently her dad was a "lodge member," if you know what I mean.
[ Patting .]
No, Matthew, I have no idea what you mean.
And right now, that is my sole source of comfort.
So would you please clean up the mess and get back to work? Yeah, I gotta get some paper towels.
All right.
Dave-- [ Car Alarm Blaring .]
[ Alarm Stops .]
Somebody's gotta do something about this thing before Matthew kills himself.
Yes, I-I agree.
I think maybe something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
Understand? You want me to kill him? No! No, I'm saying if something were to happen to the car, I don't think the investigation would be that aggressive.
Oh.
Oh, all right.
You read me? Loud and clear.
All right then.
Yeah.
Thanks.
So don't kill him.
No, don't kill him, no.
[ Lisa Clears Throat .]
Oh.
Uh, Lisa, are you still mad at me from before? Dave, I wasn't really mad at you.
I think I was just irritable because I hadn't had my morning sex with Bill.
I-I deserve that.
I deserve that.
But while we're on the subject, uh, could you go apologize to Bill? No.
Absolutely not.
Dave, the man claimed to have sex with me, and you believed him.
I know.
I said I'm sorry, but for the past two hours he's been in my office, gently weeping into a sofa cushion.
He's faking it.
Of course he's faking it, but he's not getting any work done, and neither am I.
Dave, you know, there is more to life than work.
No, there isn't.
Stop pretending you're any different about that than I am.
That's right.
I forgot I'm talking to the man that broke up with me, because he thought that romantic engagements could affect job performance.
I was just trying to make you happy, and Lord knows nothing else was working.
Well, it did make me happy.
Aha! So the truth comes out at last.
Oh, Bill.
Bill, I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier today.
What I really meant to say was, "I yearn for you to plunder me sexually.
" Okay.
When? Aha! So, the truth comes out at last again.
I'm sorry, Dave.
I really want to get my work done, so I can get back to my duties as office slut.
[ Sniffs .]
All right.
You've got work to do.
Fortunately, I happen to have an office with a door that closes.
Good.
Use it.
[ Door Slams .]
I'm busy tonight, but if you want to meet me at my place before work tomorrow-- Or I could pencil you in for Friday.
Okay, Leslie, just put it right over there.
Dave, Lisa, we've gotta talk.
I'm busy.
Me too.
Oh, come on, guys.
This is really important here, and I got a new chart.
- Don't care.
I'm working.
- Me too.
Last time I checked, I was still the boss of you and you.
Now get over there.
Okay.
This is a graph of your productivity today on a minute-by-minute basis.
How could you possibly know how productive we were every minute? I told you.
I've got a whole secret team of observers working on this.
Yeah.
Sure, you do.
Okay, now, I am happy to say I have seen a sharp increase in productivity around 2:30 today.
And I just wanted to thank you guys for, you know, doin' it, as you obviously did do it.
Didn't you? No, we most certainly did not do it.
Lisa, look there.
The graph doesn't lie.
Wait a minute.
You didn't do anybody else, either one of you, did you? Well, I know I didn't.
Oh, insinuating that I did? No, for God's sakes.
I'm not insinuating anything.
Guys-- Oh, good, because I have some work to do, which we all know is the most important thing in the universe.
Well, so do I.
Aw, geez.
[ Door Slams .]
Mr.
James, it's not your fault.
They've been fighting all day.
Since about what time? What's that? What time did they start fighting? Uh, I don't know.
I guess it was around 2:30.
Wait a minute.
When they were going out together, - did they fight a lot? - That's about all they did.
Well, that figures! Oh, gee! I guess-- I guess my secret study was a big waste of time, huh? Well, it looks like it, Mr.
James.
Okay.
Uh, team? Study's over.
Secret observation is no longer required, so let's go ahead and call it a day, okay? Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Appreciate it.
Make sure everybody's got a voucher so we can take care of you.
Thank you.
See ya soon.
Good to see you.
What? No.
No.
No! Joe! My car has been stolen.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I parked it right here under my desk.
Well, dude, you know, you drive a flashy car like that in New York City, that's the risk you take.
[ Sighs .]
Yes, but-- Wait a minute.
Mary's gonna be here any minute.
What is she gonna do when she finds out I don't have wheels? I think I may be able to help you out.
What? What am I supposed to do with this? Just put it on.
Put it on.
Put it on.
What? Hi, Matthew.
Hi.
Why don't we just go back to my place? [ Laughs .]