Northern Exposure s04e16 Episode Script
Ill Wind
"There was a desert wind blowing that night.
"It was one of those hot, dry Santa Anas that come down "through the mountains passes and curl your hair "and make your nerves jump and your skin itch.
"On nights like that, every booze party ends in a fight.
"Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife "and study their husbands' necks.
"Anything can happen.
" Whoa.
Raymond Chandler.
Yes.
Yes! Siberia from Irkutsk.
What's wrong with Kamchatka? Not again.
No, excuse me, Kamchatka has far more strategic value than Siberia.
Fleischman, just roll the dice.
O'Connell, it's the gateway to North America.
Play.
Roll the dice.
It's just Risk, Joel.
Yes, thank you.
I'll take Ural from Siberia.
All right, I quit.
What do you mean you quit? Just what I said, I quit.
What? Just because you're losing, you quit? No, it's got nothing to do with winning or losing.
O'Connell, come on.
This is a personal vendetta to you.
Give me a break.
You give me a break.
You're not even looking at the big picture here.
Look, Marilyn, is sitting with two armies in Indonesia and Ruth-Anne is over here, completely vulnerable in East Africa.
Come on.
Fleischman, I can attack anyone I want.
Look, I came to play an intelligent game.
Not to be victimized by some power freak with penis envy.
Oh, you know I ought to just punch you in the nose.
You and which army? You think I'm bluffing? Go ahead, O'Connell, right there.
God.
Ow.
Is he all right? They say it's an ill wind that bloweth no man to good.
I think our own Dr.
Joel Fleischman would testify to that.
For those of you who missed it Maggie O'Connell scored a one-round decision over Dr.
Fleischman last night.
Right jab to the old honker.
Pow.
TKO.
What better sign that the Coho winds are once again upon us? Yes, neighbors, for the next few days we'll be visited by those crazy winds from the East.
My advice this year, don't fight them, embrace them.
Know your enemy.
Morning, Joel.
How's the nose? How's it look? It's broken.
It's completely pushed to the left.
I had to set it myself.
Do you have any idea how painful that is? I thought Marilyn helped you.
Yeah, right, she couldn't stop grinning.
By the way, do you know where she is, by any chance? Marilyn? Yeah.
She's not in the office? If she were in the office, would I ask? Pardon me for saying so, Joel.
But I can see why Maggie punched you out.
Look, I'm sorry, Ruth-Anne.
I'm in pain here, okay.
My face feels like one big bruise and my sinuses are imploding.
On top of it, I look like an idiot, all right? What can I get you? I'm out of Advil.
I'll check the back.
Hello, Dr.
Fleischman.
Ed.
Whoa.
Broken? Sorry, I'm out.
Great.
Give me some slack there, will you, Stevens? Okay, Maurice.
New transmitter, huh? FCC finally came through.
Hell, no.
I got tired of waiting for those boys in Washington to get off their butts.
Huh.
You mean we don't have permission for this? No, we don't have permission for it.
KBHR's going outlaw? Yeah, I guess you could say that.
All right! Well, hey, Maurice, how far will this thing reach? Well, not factoring in sun spot activities I'd say the range'd be a radius of about 200 miles.
Whoo! Yeah.
Of course you know that there's not another town within 200 miles, Maurice.
No, not yet, Ed.
But there will be.
And when there is Minnifield Communications will be ready.
This is gonna be great, Maurice.
The voice of Cicely spreading out over the tundra communing with caribou, and migrating puffins.
That ought to do it.
Whoa! Whoa! I got you.
I got you.
Well, hey, that was close.
You okay? Oh, wow.
Just take a deep breath and relax.
Catch your breath.
You okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Man, that's some wind, huh, Ed? Oh, yeah.
Come in.
Morning.
Good morning.
I mean, it's 10:00.
I hate to be intrusive, but what are you doing? Cleaning.
Yeah, I mean, why aren't you at the office? The Cohos.
The what? What does the wind have to do with it? It's bad.
The wind is bad.
Is that what you're saying, the wind is bad? Is this an Indian thing going on or something? Look, Marilyn, this is a superstition, okay? The wind cannot be good or bad.
It blows hot, it blows cold it has no moral or ethical component.
What? You think I got this because of the wind? No, I got this because that nut O'Connell has a pathological hatred of men.
Not because of the wind, believe me.
Now, please, I need you back at the office.
I have patients.
Marilyn, you know, I hate to be technical but this is a weekday and your contract says that you work weekdays.
I don't have a contract.
Well, we have a verbal agreement, we have an understanding.
When the wind changes.
Marilyn, this could be days.
God! Nosebleed? Yeah.
Here.
Okay, Scotch rocks, and one draft.
Put it on my tab, Shelly.
Sure, Maurice.
Chris, everybody's talking about the way you saved Maurice's life and all.
It was so totally cool.
Oh, it was no big deal, Shel, really.
You're a hero.
Ah, don't worry about it, Maurice they'll be talking about something else tomorrow, believe me.
No, no, no, no.
I'm a man who honors his debts, Stevens.
Grabbing my tool belt maybe doesn't compare to pulling out of a spin with a couple of MiGs on your tail and leading a shot-up wing man home but you did me a service, definitely.
Well, it was my pleasure, Maurice.
Saving a man's life, no matter how mundane the circumstances requires a certain Reciprocity? Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I could see how you'd feel that I mean, it's an ancient concept, you know.
Confucius once used that exact word to summarize his entire philosophy.
Muslims, they cherish the idea of mutual obligation.
I mean, by their standards, if somebody saves your life you owe that person till you save his.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, but the idea is hardly universal.
It's not? Certain Native American cultures believe that saving a man's life, or good deeds in general are a person's natural function in life and they require no special reward.
And you subscribe to that notion? Yeah, basically.
Nah, sounds flaky to me.
I mean, what's the point? Say, Holling.
Did you ever think of jumping off the Green River Bridge? Jumping? Yeah, you know, just kind of No, I can't say I have.
Oh.
Be quite a fall, though.
How far do you think that is? About 1,000 feet.
That's a lot of time.
Wind roaring in your ears.
Just ripping at your clothes.
The pull of gravity dragging you down down, down.
Time for one last look.
Something to eat? Oh.
No, thanks, Holling.
Hey, Maurice.
Maggie.
Good thing Chris was there this morning, huh? Yeah, dandy.
See you later.
Hey, Fleischman.
Look, I don't wanna talk to you.
Whoa, that's some bandage.
You know, you're unbelievable.
You punch a defenseless person in the nose and you have the audacity to comment on the results.
Does it hurt? No, it doesn't hurt.
It throbs, it pulsates.
Every breath is a new frontier of pain, thank you.
You know, Fleischman, last night when I hit you I felt something I haven't felt in a long time.
You know, I hope this isn't one of your perverse stabs at an apology, O'Connell, 'cause you can forget it.
No, I felt good, I felt empowered.
I mean, when my fist hit your face I felt like, for at that brief moment, I knew who I was.
You're sick.
You're in desperate need of psychiatric help.
Oh, come on, Fleischman.
Everyone knew you had it coming.
Oh, well, to the great relief of civilized men the legal code isn't based on what is considered normal in Cicely, Alaska.
You know, around here, assault and battery may be considered all part of an evening's entertainment but where I come from it's an actionable offense, okay? Welcome back to reality, Miss O'Connell.
What's this, Fleischman? Oh, it's a little legal thingy.
Law offices of Hoberman and Hoberman? You're suing me? You got it.
Unbelievable.
You are such You know, Fleischman, this is so typical.
You can't settle something like a man, so you have to go running off to your lawyers.
Hey, I don't see where testosterone has anything to do with it.
It's a clear-cut case of damages, as far as I'm concerned.
You want damages? Okay, Fleischman.
Let's get this over with, once and for all.
Come on.
Damage this, Fleischman.
Come on? O'Connell, you're making a fool of yourself.
Come on, Fleischman.
Give me your best shot, come on! Hit her, Doc.
Do you mind? Chance of a lifetime, Fleischman.
This is a one-time offer.
O'Connell, believe me, nothing would give me more pleasure than wiping that smirk off your perfectly arranged face.
But ultimately, I'd rather own your plane and your truck and your house and all other attachments.
You see, that's how civilized people settle things.
In your dreams, Fleischman.
In your dreams! See you in court.
Chicken! You're a coward! Do you hear me, Fleischman? Chris in the Morning coming at you on the new, improved KBHR with a special traffic bulletin for downtown Cicely and outlying areas.
A herd of sheep is gently grazing down Main Street causing massive tie-ups in all directions.
They appear to be Romneys, for any lonely shepherd out there who might be wondering whether his livelihood has fled.
I think the Cohos have played havoc on the sheeps' sense of direction.
Anyway, these little lambs are lost anybody who has a clue where they belong why don't you give us a holler? Meantime, early morning commuters go ahead and leave a couple of extra minutes early and show some consideration to our wooly friends.
I don't owe you a thing, Stevens.
There's nobody said that you had to grab my tool belt.
If I had fallen off there and smashed my skull and my brains were on the sidewalk that's no skin off your nose.
It's my life.
Mine.
And it's nobody's business what I do with it except me.
It's not your business, not Cicely's, nobody's.
Got it? Okay.
I just didn't want there to be any misunderstanding.
No after-the-fact recriminations.
Now, we've had this discussion.
That book is closed.
Okay.
I just wanted to get that straight.
It's straight.
Good.
What do you think about poisons, Dave? Poison? Yeah, you know.
Drano, cyanide industrial-strength cleaners.
What about them? Oh, I don't know.
If you ever think about doing a shot of something like that? Nope.
Oh.
You know, I read once about this guy got executed in the gas chamber.
Took him a full 10 minutes to die.
Hmm.
I ate some bad salmon once.
What was that like? I puked a lot.
Huh.
Order up! Hi.
Is this a joke? What? This.
This gross miscarriage of justice that you left taped to my cabin door.
No, Fleischman, it's not a joke.
And you have a week to get out.
Look, you can't evict me.
Why not? Because you can't, that's why.
I'm a legal tenant with certain inalienable rights and one of which is you can't evict me simply because you feel like it.
Really? Yeah.
Really.
You ought to try reading the contract that you gave me sometime, O'Connell.
Hmm.
Fleischman, normally, I give 30 days, I thought, in your case a week was very generous.
Look, I know what's going on here, all right.
You're not fooling anyone.
I hit you with a lawsuit, so you hit back with an eviction notice.
That's very mature, O'Connell.
But it might interest you to know that payback is not a generally recognized principle of legal conduct, okay? So what that means is, there is absolutely no way in the world that you're going to pull this off.
Watch me.
Does the word injunction mean anything to you? Fleischman, this is Alaska.
So what? What does that mean? What? Is there a complete suspension of the American jurisprudence system around here? No, Fleischman, what it means is that people have been known to disappear up here and their bodies have never been recovered.
I can't believe you, you are threatening me? O'Connell, do you realize the trouble that you're causing for yourself? You know, Fleischman, why don't you just shut your mouth? You know, for once in your life, why don't you make the world a better place and shut your mouth? I'm not going to shut up while I'm being subjected to this malicious crap.
Well, you know, maybe I'll burn your house down, Fleischman.
You know, it runs in the family.
All right, you go ahead and joke, when my attorneys get through with you, O'Connell you'll be lucky if you have pocket change to call Grosse Pointe.
Now, I always thought you had a modicum of intelligence.
I really, I believed that there was some baseline of logical thinking.
I mean, a core of reasonableness somewhere, that could be appealed to, but, in fact, I was wrong and you are exactly what I thought you were.
You are spoiled and you are frigid.
That's right.
Is he hurt? You broke my broken nose! Are you having trouble, Maurice? A wind knot.
It wouldn't matter.
They're not biting anyway.
Damn wind.
Well Holling do you consider yourself a lucky person? Lucky as the next fellow, I guess.
Luckier, maybe.
And after all, I've got Shelly.
No offense, Maurice.
I don't believe in luck.
I believe each man makes his own luck.
Master of your fate, huh? Exactly.
Whenever I flew off on a sortie, or did a test flight I always felt completely in control.
Not that things didn't go wrong but when they did, I knew I could get out of them.
And I did.
Coffee? No thanks.
It's unleaded.
Oh, okay.
Then, one day, you go up on a roof wind comes up, somebody grabs you by the belt all of a sudden everything's changed.
You're no longer in control of your life.
Everything's different.
Just a gust of wind, that's all.
It could have happened to anybody.
Yeah, but it didn't happen to anybody it happened to me, Maurice Minnifield.
And people have the nerve to tell me I was lucky.
I don't understand, Maurice.
Would you have rather gotten killed? You just don't get the point, Holling.
I've saved men in combat.
I've ridden an Atlas booster into space.
Do you honestly think it was my fate to be saved from a meaningless death by some itinerant ex-con DJ? An employee? Damn this wind.
"In Los Angeles, some teachers "do not attempt to conduct classes "during a Santa Ana, because the children become unmanageable.
"In Switzerland, the suicide rate goes up "during a foehn, and in the courts of some Swiss cantons "the wind is considered a mitigating circumstance for crime.
"Surgeons are said to watch the wind "because blood does not clot normally during the foehn.
" In other words, Cicely, if you are feeling crummy there's probably a pretty good reason.
Hi.
It's open.
Hey, hey, little buddy.
Hi, there.
You Chris? Yeah.
Enrique.
Hi, Enrique, what can I do for you? Those are my sheep.
Oh, great.
Got away during the night.
I don't know where we were anyway.
We were lost to begin with.
But I carried this little thing.
Oh.
Radio Shack.
Pretty good for the money, actually.
Anyway, I heard you talking and I said to Lupe here "Lupe, those are our sheep, boy.
" Yeah, well, I bet you, they're glad to see you.
So what's the point? You don't seem too excited to see them.
Ever been a shepherd? No.
You sit, you watch, you work.
And then, you sit, you watch, you work.
Exciting, eh? Hoberman, you're my lawyer you're supposed to protect me.
A month? No, I can't wait a month don't you understand? She's gonna evict me in a week.
Look, what does that mean? Possession is nine-tenths of the law in New York.
You know, she's the missing tenth, all right? She is without mercy.
She's gonna evict me and I need an injunction.
Look, I gotta go, I've got a zillion patients here and I got no assistant, all right? Just do something.
Thank you.
Fleischman! Yeah.
Oh, Fleischman Oh, you're a mess.
Yeah, look, Maurice, I'm running a little behind.
What seems to be the problem? You might want to try direct pressure on that.
It's just a nosebleed, I'm fine.
Listen, Fleischman, being a medical man I respect your opinion.
Now, think about this for me, will you? Sure.
In your opinion, what is a human life worth? What? Well, I'm just talking raw materials, you know phosphorus, calcium, that sort of thing.
Are you serious? Well, yeah, a ballpark figure'll do.
This wouldn't have anything to do with Chris saving your life by any chance, would it? Now, you listen here, Fleischman.
I came to you in confidence.
What I do with this information is my own business but if you leak one word of this conversation to anybody I'll make sure you live to regret it.
What is it, the wind that suddenly makes everyone think they can threaten the town doctor with impunity? Let's hear some figures, Fleischman.
Yeah, well, as a matter of fact I had a chemistry professor who once added it up on a blackboard.
And I believe, leaving out extraneous items such as gold fillings, the shopping bag price of the adult human body separated into discrete components was something like $14.
73.
That's it, huh? Well, a long time ago, Maurice.
You gotta allow for inflation.
Then it would be somewhere around $15.
More or less.
I knew life was cheap.
Oh, no, we're not talking life, we're talking inanimate elements.
I mean, these are building materials.
You can't put a dollar value on human life.
I'm simply trying to determine through the most objective means possible the theoretical bottom line of human existence.
Yeah, and I'm telling you it doesn't work that way.
I mean, you've read philosophy.
We live under a social contract that measures worth in intangibles like decency, and fellowship, and good will, not dollars and cents.
Yeah.
And like all contracts, it has its terms.
And terms are negotiable.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Come out from under there, Stevens.
Hey, what's up? Here.
What's this? $30,000? Yeah, and stock options for projects that are in the planning stages.
I don't get it.
It's a fair package, Stevens.
Now, don't you try to up the ante on me.
It took most of the night but I finally hit on a formula that would calculate what my life will generate over the next quarter.
And that doesn't include interest or dividends or returns on investments.
It's simply an earnings projection based on the sweat of my brow.
Wow, well, that's nice, but I don't want this.
I don't care if you want it or not, you're gonna take it.
Maurice, we've been over this I don't want anything from you, man.
I know that's what you said.
But that dog won't hunt.
If I let you get away with this you've got something to hold over me for the rest of my life.
No matter how many Bibles you swear on, eventually, some day when I least expect it you're going to come to me and want to cash in.
No, I won't, that's what you would do.
Maurice, I don't slight you for your opportunistic streak, but- Oh, come on, let's put this thing to bed right now.
The buck stops here.
Look, I understand what you're trying to do.
I even think it's interesting in a primitive, domino-theory-of-the-soul kind of way.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about that metaphysical thorn that you got sticking in your side.
What thorn? I'm trying to reach a settlement here.
No, you're not, Maurice.
You're trying to recapture the illusion that you're in control and you're not.
Man, nobody is.
I mean, we're dust, we're atoms, you and I are bound together in ways that we can never comprehend.
What happened up on that roof is an extreme example but we depend on each other every day for our mutual survival and I just Listen, I can't take money for that.
Let me tell you something, Stevens.
I render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.
What I do with the rest of it is my own damn business.
Now, look at them.
They look peaceful, eh? Easy to handle.
You let one of them get away, just one there goes your whole afternoon.
Well, I thought the expression was "Leave them alone and they'll come home.
" No, that's cows.
Now, cows are smart.
Pigs are smart.
Anything is smart compared to sheep.
Now, don't get me started here.
Oh.
So why are you a shepherd, Enrique? We're Basques.
My family's raising sheep all the time.
But I got to tell you my life is going nowhere.
Every year, the same.
Dipping, chasing, shearing.
Well, it sounds to me as if you're in a mid-career crisis.
You know, lately I ask myself "Now, what are people going to say about me after I'm gone?" "Enrique Lopez, he raised sheep.
" I gotta try something else before I'm too old.
Like what? I don't know.
Cows, maybe.
Oh.
How's the schnoz? Don't ask.
Joel, you're a fiscally responsible person, right? Well, I don't have a lot of fiscal to be responsible for but what do you have in mind? What do you think of that? $30,000? Yeah, it's crazy, huh? Maurice has this thing about what happened up on the roof.
$30,000? He won't let it drop.
What do you think I should do a charitable cause, some sort of municipal foundation, what? My advice to you is cash it, this morning now, before he comes to his senses.
Hmm.
Excuse me.
What's the matter, Shel? Have you talked to Ed lately? He's been acting creepy.
Creepy? Yeah.
Well, this morning when I served him breakfast eggs over easy on the hard side, like always he asked me which I thought was better, hanging or drowning? Then he wanted to know if I'd ever thought about throwing myself in front of a train.
Come to think of it, he did ask me if I'd ever considered jumping into the Green River Gorge.
He said something to Dave about Drano.
You don't think he's No.
What? Can we talk? Talk? Yeah.
Can you turn that off? Thanks.
How are you? How am I? Yeah.
You come all the way up here to ask me, how am I? No, just wondering.
I'm busy, Fleischman, and I have a lot of work to do so, you know, if you're through.
Look, can we take a walk or something? Walk? You and me take a walk? Yeah.
What is it, Fleischman? I just would like to get away from any implements of destruction, if you wouldn't mind.
Better be good.
All right, look, I think it's clear we've been having a little communication problem as of late.
Communication? Yeah, and though I can find no excuse for your behavior I've thought about it and I'm willing to concede that my decision to pursue litigation may have been a bit rash.
What are you hiding, Fleischman? Nothing, I'm not hiding anything.
I'm just saying that, with the benefit of hindsight and a little sober reflection maybe we can see the other side a little better? And? And back down a bit.
Back down? I'm willing to drop that lawsuit if you're willing to drop the eviction.
Weak case, huh, Fleischman? Not at all.
Quite the contrary, if this were New York you wouldn't have a prayer, but it ain't New York.
It's not even the 20th century.
Hey.
You must be the shepherd fella? I understand you're trying to get out of the business.
I'll offer you $100 for a sheep.
$100? All right, $125, but that's my top offer.
You want only one? Only need one.
Your mutton is going to be the answer to my prayers, amigo.
Well, take any one you want.
That one over there has a good coat.
Oh, I'm not interested in the wool.
You don't want the wool? No.
We're gonna throw him off the roof.
What? What my friend's trying to say is that in the interest of science, we're gonna perform a little experiment.
Not with my sheep, you're not.
Now, wait a minute, friend.
They're all going to end up lamb chops anyway.
These are Romney Marsh sheep! Hand weavers depend on these sheep! You do not drop a Romney Marsh sheep from the roof! Now, just a minute here.
Lupe! You're making a big mistake, my friend.
Come on, Kermit, let's get the hell out of here.
You do not throw a Romney Marsh sheep from the roof! I'm a shepherd.
Hello? Oh.
Ed? Oh, Shelly.
Hi.
Ed, what are you doing? Well, I was just putting out a few rat traps.
They've been getting the insulation, why? You weren't trying to off yourself? Well, you know, all that talk about hanging and drowning and jumping in front of a train.
Suicide's not the Indian way.
It's not? Nah.
Don't go where you're not invited, you know what I mean? Oh.
Besides, I feel great.
You do? Yep.
Being on that roof really got me thinking.
About death being all around us and how you'll never know when your number's gonna be up.
Kind of like when you're walking across a bridge and you start thinking about jumping off.
Why would you want to jump off? Oh, it's not that you really wanna jump off.
No? It's more like you just can't help thinking about jumping off.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, how long will it take? Will you scream? Which part of your body will hit first? Will death be instantaneous or would you feel something first? You know, just kind of stuff like that.
Hmm.
Well, O'Connell, as it was explained to me at $110 an hour by Tom Hoberman my esteemed lawyer by the time I got a judge to actually issue an injunction against you we might all be dead.
And in terms of my civil suit, let's just say it would triple my current debt load by the time I had my first legal conference in the flesh.
What do you say? Forget it.
What do you mean? I mean, you have six days, Fleischman, and then you're history.
O'Connell, I am the injured party here, okay? I'm trying to give you a break.
No, Fleischman, you started something you can't win and now you want out! All right, fine, great.
You want to play it that way, fine.
I can't wait to see what a jury thinks when they get a load of this.
Well, your honor, to my recollection he put his finger like this and said, "Right here!" No, just listen to me, please.
Drop the eviction.
You get your hands off me, Fleischman or I'm gonna punch you in the nose again.
No way you're hitting me again, O'Connell! Get your hands off me.
O'Connell! Fleischman.
Oh, Fleischman.
Stevens, get out here.
Okay.
I stopped payment on that check.
You can return the stock options any time.
It's right here, Maurice.
What's up? This.
Coconut? Well, actually, I started with melons.
I got your usual assortment, a Crenshaw, casaba, cantaloupe but none of them had the right density or mass to simulate the human skull.
And then I thought of coconuts.
I got a dozen of them.
And one by one, I dropped them off the roof.
You were dropping coconuts off the roof? Yeah.
Actually first three exploded on impact.
And then five partially fragmented but three of them made it through intact.
And this one, this one here, well, look for yourself.
See, this scarring indicates the initial impact.
And this crack went through the husk but not all the way to the meat.
But, look here.
The milk survived intact.
Right.
You don't get it, do you? Well, why don't you just help me out a little, Maurice? You did not save my life.
I didn't.
Hell, no.
With any luck, I would have survived that fall with a massive cerebral trauma and internal hemorrhaging.
Quick airlift to Anchorage, emergency surgery.
I'd have been on my feet again in six weeks.
Well, three months at the most.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
What about paraplegia? Well, there is the possibility of spinal cord damage and, admittedly, I'd rather put a nine-millimeter slug in my brain than spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair but that is not the point.
No? No.
The point is that I did not need you.
I would have survived that fall.
So this this was just a superfluous gesture of goodwill on my part.
A mighty generous gesture, I might add.
Well, it's all there, Maurice.
It better be.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what? Oh, no.
People are looking at us, Fleischman.
There's a table.
You're blushing.
I can't help it.
They're looking at us.
What? Do you think they know? No.
How could they know? I don't know.
Evening.
What can I get you two? What? What do you mean, "you two"? Well Can't two people sit together without being categorized as a couple? Well, sure.
Good.
Okay.
So, what would you like, Maggie? Why don't you just give us a few minutes, please.
Yeah.
All righty.
He knows.
He doesn't know.
Well, if he didn't before, Fleischman, he does now, thanks to you.
What'd I say? It's written all over your face.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
It is not.
Is it? It is, isn't it? How could they know? Think someone saw us? God.
Oh, God.
What? We're gonna have to say something.
What? I don't know, we're gonna have to make some sort of announcement or something.
An announcement? Not so loud.
What do you mean, an announcement? What, like, the parents of Mary Margaret O'Connell and Joel Chaim Fleischman are pleased to announce- Don't be an idiot, Fleischman, no.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
What? I don't know, Fleischman, look around.
I mean, look at everyone, it's so obvious.
You know, ever since you've gotten here people have wondered, "When are they going to do it? "Are they going to do it?" You're kidding? No.
And now that we've done it, you know now that it's over, people are People are going to be talking behind my back, you know they will.
So I think that we need to do something.
We need to put an end to it.
Don't you? Just take the initiative? Yeah, exactly.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Can we just have your attention, please? Just a minute of your time, that's all.
We'd like to say something.
Now, I know a lot of you have been wondering whether- Not that it's any of your business, because But it seems to have slipped out and Well, we've decided to make it official here.
Erase all doubts.
O'Connell and I Well Spit it out, Fleischman.
Well, I am.
How do you put this? We did it, so to speak.
It's in the books.
Happy now? Did what? It.
Sex, you know? The deed.
We had sex.
Together, me and him.
Well, we just thought we'd end your suspicions so that's it, folks.
In other words, you can talk about it amongst yourselves, out in the open.
We'll be here to answer questions later on.
Get it out of your systems.
Okay.
Okay, that should do it.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Huh.
Pull on those thermals, Cicely.
It's a crisp minus seven degrees out.
The Cohos are gone, people.
Outside temp's back to normal inside temp might take a few days to return to psychic stability.
Surveying this year's Coho damage except for Dr.
Joel's busted beak, I think we suffered the usual number of metaphysical bumps and bruises.
Got some news from the home front here Ed Chigliak dropped a note for me to read to everyone.
"Hey, everyone, I feel fine, really.
"It was just that seeing Maurice almost go splat "got me thinking about death.
Not in a bad way, just, in a way "like when Greta Garbo threw herself under the St.
Petersburg Express "in Anna Karenina.
Or how about Warren Beatty "freezing to death in McCabe and Mrs.
Miller, hunched over in the snow.
"He just stopped.
"Does anyone else think about these things? "Please let me know.
Your friend, Ed.
" Are we there yet? Almost.
It's coming.
Are you sure this is okay? Yeah, it's okay, don't be scared.
I just put it anywhere? Anywhere you want.
Okay, great.
Come on! Hey, hi.
Hi.
You busy? No.
Because if you're busy, I can- I'm not busy.
Come on in.
Okay.
Good.
So.
So.
We should talk.
You think? Well, maybe.
No, definitely.
I think we should talk.
Why don't you have a seat? Okay.
Go ahead, talk.
I know we did what we did, but I really can't believe we did it, you know.
Well- It's like we were two different people or something.
I been going over it in my head, I mean over and over it.
And the only explanation that I can come up with is some form of temporary insanity.
Exactly what I was thinking.
The wind.
It was the wind.
Now, I admit I've been slow to accept that the Coho theory of human behavior, but what else could it have been? Right, what? I mean, one minute we're trying to kill each other the next minute, I mean, we were going at it like wild animals and then, again.
You know how they say, that love is related to hate and all that? I really think that's true.
And I think what the Cohos do, is they just exaggerate all those feelings they stir things up, and sometimes they just get- Confused.
Exactly.
Because, Fleischman, let's face it I think the way we really feel for each other is basic hostility, you know? And when I punched you in the nose, that was the real me and when you hit back with that lawsuit, that was the real you.
Interesting, so what you're saying is that yesterday was like some freak switch being thrown.
I mean, we weren't ourselves we, in fact, were the exact opposite of ourselves, yeah? Exactly.
That's it.
Oh, at least I think that's it.
No, no.
That's it.
I think you got it.
Look, if that's true then, hey, we don't have to worry about it ever happening again.
Absolutely, because the No more wind.
Right.
No more wind.
Well.
All right.
Now that we did it, and, I mean, don't get me wrong because it was fabulous.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, I mean, as far as I'm concerned we buried the needle.
Discovered another planet.
You should have seen the claw marks this morning.
Beyond, beyond.
But, now that it's done.
Over.
I think that it's out of my system.
Mmm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Which is wild, because Well, let's face it, the sexual tension was Well, you could cut it with a knife.
Try a hacksaw.
Right, but, it's like It's like we had a tumor and it was removed.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, I feel that it's Cured? Yeah.
Hmm.
I feel much better.
Good, well good.
That's great.
So? So? Come on, I'll walk you out.
Morning, Marilyn.
Good morning.
Well, Fleischman, I'm glad we talked.
Me, too.
Yeah.
"It was one of those hot, dry Santa Anas that come down "through the mountains passes and curl your hair "and make your nerves jump and your skin itch.
"On nights like that, every booze party ends in a fight.
"Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife "and study their husbands' necks.
"Anything can happen.
" Whoa.
Raymond Chandler.
Yes.
Yes! Siberia from Irkutsk.
What's wrong with Kamchatka? Not again.
No, excuse me, Kamchatka has far more strategic value than Siberia.
Fleischman, just roll the dice.
O'Connell, it's the gateway to North America.
Play.
Roll the dice.
It's just Risk, Joel.
Yes, thank you.
I'll take Ural from Siberia.
All right, I quit.
What do you mean you quit? Just what I said, I quit.
What? Just because you're losing, you quit? No, it's got nothing to do with winning or losing.
O'Connell, come on.
This is a personal vendetta to you.
Give me a break.
You give me a break.
You're not even looking at the big picture here.
Look, Marilyn, is sitting with two armies in Indonesia and Ruth-Anne is over here, completely vulnerable in East Africa.
Come on.
Fleischman, I can attack anyone I want.
Look, I came to play an intelligent game.
Not to be victimized by some power freak with penis envy.
Oh, you know I ought to just punch you in the nose.
You and which army? You think I'm bluffing? Go ahead, O'Connell, right there.
God.
Ow.
Is he all right? They say it's an ill wind that bloweth no man to good.
I think our own Dr.
Joel Fleischman would testify to that.
For those of you who missed it Maggie O'Connell scored a one-round decision over Dr.
Fleischman last night.
Right jab to the old honker.
Pow.
TKO.
What better sign that the Coho winds are once again upon us? Yes, neighbors, for the next few days we'll be visited by those crazy winds from the East.
My advice this year, don't fight them, embrace them.
Know your enemy.
Morning, Joel.
How's the nose? How's it look? It's broken.
It's completely pushed to the left.
I had to set it myself.
Do you have any idea how painful that is? I thought Marilyn helped you.
Yeah, right, she couldn't stop grinning.
By the way, do you know where she is, by any chance? Marilyn? Yeah.
She's not in the office? If she were in the office, would I ask? Pardon me for saying so, Joel.
But I can see why Maggie punched you out.
Look, I'm sorry, Ruth-Anne.
I'm in pain here, okay.
My face feels like one big bruise and my sinuses are imploding.
On top of it, I look like an idiot, all right? What can I get you? I'm out of Advil.
I'll check the back.
Hello, Dr.
Fleischman.
Ed.
Whoa.
Broken? Sorry, I'm out.
Great.
Give me some slack there, will you, Stevens? Okay, Maurice.
New transmitter, huh? FCC finally came through.
Hell, no.
I got tired of waiting for those boys in Washington to get off their butts.
Huh.
You mean we don't have permission for this? No, we don't have permission for it.
KBHR's going outlaw? Yeah, I guess you could say that.
All right! Well, hey, Maurice, how far will this thing reach? Well, not factoring in sun spot activities I'd say the range'd be a radius of about 200 miles.
Whoo! Yeah.
Of course you know that there's not another town within 200 miles, Maurice.
No, not yet, Ed.
But there will be.
And when there is Minnifield Communications will be ready.
This is gonna be great, Maurice.
The voice of Cicely spreading out over the tundra communing with caribou, and migrating puffins.
That ought to do it.
Whoa! Whoa! I got you.
I got you.
Well, hey, that was close.
You okay? Oh, wow.
Just take a deep breath and relax.
Catch your breath.
You okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Man, that's some wind, huh, Ed? Oh, yeah.
Come in.
Morning.
Good morning.
I mean, it's 10:00.
I hate to be intrusive, but what are you doing? Cleaning.
Yeah, I mean, why aren't you at the office? The Cohos.
The what? What does the wind have to do with it? It's bad.
The wind is bad.
Is that what you're saying, the wind is bad? Is this an Indian thing going on or something? Look, Marilyn, this is a superstition, okay? The wind cannot be good or bad.
It blows hot, it blows cold it has no moral or ethical component.
What? You think I got this because of the wind? No, I got this because that nut O'Connell has a pathological hatred of men.
Not because of the wind, believe me.
Now, please, I need you back at the office.
I have patients.
Marilyn, you know, I hate to be technical but this is a weekday and your contract says that you work weekdays.
I don't have a contract.
Well, we have a verbal agreement, we have an understanding.
When the wind changes.
Marilyn, this could be days.
God! Nosebleed? Yeah.
Here.
Okay, Scotch rocks, and one draft.
Put it on my tab, Shelly.
Sure, Maurice.
Chris, everybody's talking about the way you saved Maurice's life and all.
It was so totally cool.
Oh, it was no big deal, Shel, really.
You're a hero.
Ah, don't worry about it, Maurice they'll be talking about something else tomorrow, believe me.
No, no, no, no.
I'm a man who honors his debts, Stevens.
Grabbing my tool belt maybe doesn't compare to pulling out of a spin with a couple of MiGs on your tail and leading a shot-up wing man home but you did me a service, definitely.
Well, it was my pleasure, Maurice.
Saving a man's life, no matter how mundane the circumstances requires a certain Reciprocity? Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I could see how you'd feel that I mean, it's an ancient concept, you know.
Confucius once used that exact word to summarize his entire philosophy.
Muslims, they cherish the idea of mutual obligation.
I mean, by their standards, if somebody saves your life you owe that person till you save his.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, but the idea is hardly universal.
It's not? Certain Native American cultures believe that saving a man's life, or good deeds in general are a person's natural function in life and they require no special reward.
And you subscribe to that notion? Yeah, basically.
Nah, sounds flaky to me.
I mean, what's the point? Say, Holling.
Did you ever think of jumping off the Green River Bridge? Jumping? Yeah, you know, just kind of No, I can't say I have.
Oh.
Be quite a fall, though.
How far do you think that is? About 1,000 feet.
That's a lot of time.
Wind roaring in your ears.
Just ripping at your clothes.
The pull of gravity dragging you down down, down.
Time for one last look.
Something to eat? Oh.
No, thanks, Holling.
Hey, Maurice.
Maggie.
Good thing Chris was there this morning, huh? Yeah, dandy.
See you later.
Hey, Fleischman.
Look, I don't wanna talk to you.
Whoa, that's some bandage.
You know, you're unbelievable.
You punch a defenseless person in the nose and you have the audacity to comment on the results.
Does it hurt? No, it doesn't hurt.
It throbs, it pulsates.
Every breath is a new frontier of pain, thank you.
You know, Fleischman, last night when I hit you I felt something I haven't felt in a long time.
You know, I hope this isn't one of your perverse stabs at an apology, O'Connell, 'cause you can forget it.
No, I felt good, I felt empowered.
I mean, when my fist hit your face I felt like, for at that brief moment, I knew who I was.
You're sick.
You're in desperate need of psychiatric help.
Oh, come on, Fleischman.
Everyone knew you had it coming.
Oh, well, to the great relief of civilized men the legal code isn't based on what is considered normal in Cicely, Alaska.
You know, around here, assault and battery may be considered all part of an evening's entertainment but where I come from it's an actionable offense, okay? Welcome back to reality, Miss O'Connell.
What's this, Fleischman? Oh, it's a little legal thingy.
Law offices of Hoberman and Hoberman? You're suing me? You got it.
Unbelievable.
You are such You know, Fleischman, this is so typical.
You can't settle something like a man, so you have to go running off to your lawyers.
Hey, I don't see where testosterone has anything to do with it.
It's a clear-cut case of damages, as far as I'm concerned.
You want damages? Okay, Fleischman.
Let's get this over with, once and for all.
Come on.
Damage this, Fleischman.
Come on? O'Connell, you're making a fool of yourself.
Come on, Fleischman.
Give me your best shot, come on! Hit her, Doc.
Do you mind? Chance of a lifetime, Fleischman.
This is a one-time offer.
O'Connell, believe me, nothing would give me more pleasure than wiping that smirk off your perfectly arranged face.
But ultimately, I'd rather own your plane and your truck and your house and all other attachments.
You see, that's how civilized people settle things.
In your dreams, Fleischman.
In your dreams! See you in court.
Chicken! You're a coward! Do you hear me, Fleischman? Chris in the Morning coming at you on the new, improved KBHR with a special traffic bulletin for downtown Cicely and outlying areas.
A herd of sheep is gently grazing down Main Street causing massive tie-ups in all directions.
They appear to be Romneys, for any lonely shepherd out there who might be wondering whether his livelihood has fled.
I think the Cohos have played havoc on the sheeps' sense of direction.
Anyway, these little lambs are lost anybody who has a clue where they belong why don't you give us a holler? Meantime, early morning commuters go ahead and leave a couple of extra minutes early and show some consideration to our wooly friends.
I don't owe you a thing, Stevens.
There's nobody said that you had to grab my tool belt.
If I had fallen off there and smashed my skull and my brains were on the sidewalk that's no skin off your nose.
It's my life.
Mine.
And it's nobody's business what I do with it except me.
It's not your business, not Cicely's, nobody's.
Got it? Okay.
I just didn't want there to be any misunderstanding.
No after-the-fact recriminations.
Now, we've had this discussion.
That book is closed.
Okay.
I just wanted to get that straight.
It's straight.
Good.
What do you think about poisons, Dave? Poison? Yeah, you know.
Drano, cyanide industrial-strength cleaners.
What about them? Oh, I don't know.
If you ever think about doing a shot of something like that? Nope.
Oh.
You know, I read once about this guy got executed in the gas chamber.
Took him a full 10 minutes to die.
Hmm.
I ate some bad salmon once.
What was that like? I puked a lot.
Huh.
Order up! Hi.
Is this a joke? What? This.
This gross miscarriage of justice that you left taped to my cabin door.
No, Fleischman, it's not a joke.
And you have a week to get out.
Look, you can't evict me.
Why not? Because you can't, that's why.
I'm a legal tenant with certain inalienable rights and one of which is you can't evict me simply because you feel like it.
Really? Yeah.
Really.
You ought to try reading the contract that you gave me sometime, O'Connell.
Hmm.
Fleischman, normally, I give 30 days, I thought, in your case a week was very generous.
Look, I know what's going on here, all right.
You're not fooling anyone.
I hit you with a lawsuit, so you hit back with an eviction notice.
That's very mature, O'Connell.
But it might interest you to know that payback is not a generally recognized principle of legal conduct, okay? So what that means is, there is absolutely no way in the world that you're going to pull this off.
Watch me.
Does the word injunction mean anything to you? Fleischman, this is Alaska.
So what? What does that mean? What? Is there a complete suspension of the American jurisprudence system around here? No, Fleischman, what it means is that people have been known to disappear up here and their bodies have never been recovered.
I can't believe you, you are threatening me? O'Connell, do you realize the trouble that you're causing for yourself? You know, Fleischman, why don't you just shut your mouth? You know, for once in your life, why don't you make the world a better place and shut your mouth? I'm not going to shut up while I'm being subjected to this malicious crap.
Well, you know, maybe I'll burn your house down, Fleischman.
You know, it runs in the family.
All right, you go ahead and joke, when my attorneys get through with you, O'Connell you'll be lucky if you have pocket change to call Grosse Pointe.
Now, I always thought you had a modicum of intelligence.
I really, I believed that there was some baseline of logical thinking.
I mean, a core of reasonableness somewhere, that could be appealed to, but, in fact, I was wrong and you are exactly what I thought you were.
You are spoiled and you are frigid.
That's right.
Is he hurt? You broke my broken nose! Are you having trouble, Maurice? A wind knot.
It wouldn't matter.
They're not biting anyway.
Damn wind.
Well Holling do you consider yourself a lucky person? Lucky as the next fellow, I guess.
Luckier, maybe.
And after all, I've got Shelly.
No offense, Maurice.
I don't believe in luck.
I believe each man makes his own luck.
Master of your fate, huh? Exactly.
Whenever I flew off on a sortie, or did a test flight I always felt completely in control.
Not that things didn't go wrong but when they did, I knew I could get out of them.
And I did.
Coffee? No thanks.
It's unleaded.
Oh, okay.
Then, one day, you go up on a roof wind comes up, somebody grabs you by the belt all of a sudden everything's changed.
You're no longer in control of your life.
Everything's different.
Just a gust of wind, that's all.
It could have happened to anybody.
Yeah, but it didn't happen to anybody it happened to me, Maurice Minnifield.
And people have the nerve to tell me I was lucky.
I don't understand, Maurice.
Would you have rather gotten killed? You just don't get the point, Holling.
I've saved men in combat.
I've ridden an Atlas booster into space.
Do you honestly think it was my fate to be saved from a meaningless death by some itinerant ex-con DJ? An employee? Damn this wind.
"In Los Angeles, some teachers "do not attempt to conduct classes "during a Santa Ana, because the children become unmanageable.
"In Switzerland, the suicide rate goes up "during a foehn, and in the courts of some Swiss cantons "the wind is considered a mitigating circumstance for crime.
"Surgeons are said to watch the wind "because blood does not clot normally during the foehn.
" In other words, Cicely, if you are feeling crummy there's probably a pretty good reason.
Hi.
It's open.
Hey, hey, little buddy.
Hi, there.
You Chris? Yeah.
Enrique.
Hi, Enrique, what can I do for you? Those are my sheep.
Oh, great.
Got away during the night.
I don't know where we were anyway.
We were lost to begin with.
But I carried this little thing.
Oh.
Radio Shack.
Pretty good for the money, actually.
Anyway, I heard you talking and I said to Lupe here "Lupe, those are our sheep, boy.
" Yeah, well, I bet you, they're glad to see you.
So what's the point? You don't seem too excited to see them.
Ever been a shepherd? No.
You sit, you watch, you work.
And then, you sit, you watch, you work.
Exciting, eh? Hoberman, you're my lawyer you're supposed to protect me.
A month? No, I can't wait a month don't you understand? She's gonna evict me in a week.
Look, what does that mean? Possession is nine-tenths of the law in New York.
You know, she's the missing tenth, all right? She is without mercy.
She's gonna evict me and I need an injunction.
Look, I gotta go, I've got a zillion patients here and I got no assistant, all right? Just do something.
Thank you.
Fleischman! Yeah.
Oh, Fleischman Oh, you're a mess.
Yeah, look, Maurice, I'm running a little behind.
What seems to be the problem? You might want to try direct pressure on that.
It's just a nosebleed, I'm fine.
Listen, Fleischman, being a medical man I respect your opinion.
Now, think about this for me, will you? Sure.
In your opinion, what is a human life worth? What? Well, I'm just talking raw materials, you know phosphorus, calcium, that sort of thing.
Are you serious? Well, yeah, a ballpark figure'll do.
This wouldn't have anything to do with Chris saving your life by any chance, would it? Now, you listen here, Fleischman.
I came to you in confidence.
What I do with this information is my own business but if you leak one word of this conversation to anybody I'll make sure you live to regret it.
What is it, the wind that suddenly makes everyone think they can threaten the town doctor with impunity? Let's hear some figures, Fleischman.
Yeah, well, as a matter of fact I had a chemistry professor who once added it up on a blackboard.
And I believe, leaving out extraneous items such as gold fillings, the shopping bag price of the adult human body separated into discrete components was something like $14.
73.
That's it, huh? Well, a long time ago, Maurice.
You gotta allow for inflation.
Then it would be somewhere around $15.
More or less.
I knew life was cheap.
Oh, no, we're not talking life, we're talking inanimate elements.
I mean, these are building materials.
You can't put a dollar value on human life.
I'm simply trying to determine through the most objective means possible the theoretical bottom line of human existence.
Yeah, and I'm telling you it doesn't work that way.
I mean, you've read philosophy.
We live under a social contract that measures worth in intangibles like decency, and fellowship, and good will, not dollars and cents.
Yeah.
And like all contracts, it has its terms.
And terms are negotiable.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Come out from under there, Stevens.
Hey, what's up? Here.
What's this? $30,000? Yeah, and stock options for projects that are in the planning stages.
I don't get it.
It's a fair package, Stevens.
Now, don't you try to up the ante on me.
It took most of the night but I finally hit on a formula that would calculate what my life will generate over the next quarter.
And that doesn't include interest or dividends or returns on investments.
It's simply an earnings projection based on the sweat of my brow.
Wow, well, that's nice, but I don't want this.
I don't care if you want it or not, you're gonna take it.
Maurice, we've been over this I don't want anything from you, man.
I know that's what you said.
But that dog won't hunt.
If I let you get away with this you've got something to hold over me for the rest of my life.
No matter how many Bibles you swear on, eventually, some day when I least expect it you're going to come to me and want to cash in.
No, I won't, that's what you would do.
Maurice, I don't slight you for your opportunistic streak, but- Oh, come on, let's put this thing to bed right now.
The buck stops here.
Look, I understand what you're trying to do.
I even think it's interesting in a primitive, domino-theory-of-the-soul kind of way.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about that metaphysical thorn that you got sticking in your side.
What thorn? I'm trying to reach a settlement here.
No, you're not, Maurice.
You're trying to recapture the illusion that you're in control and you're not.
Man, nobody is.
I mean, we're dust, we're atoms, you and I are bound together in ways that we can never comprehend.
What happened up on that roof is an extreme example but we depend on each other every day for our mutual survival and I just Listen, I can't take money for that.
Let me tell you something, Stevens.
I render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.
What I do with the rest of it is my own damn business.
Now, look at them.
They look peaceful, eh? Easy to handle.
You let one of them get away, just one there goes your whole afternoon.
Well, I thought the expression was "Leave them alone and they'll come home.
" No, that's cows.
Now, cows are smart.
Pigs are smart.
Anything is smart compared to sheep.
Now, don't get me started here.
Oh.
So why are you a shepherd, Enrique? We're Basques.
My family's raising sheep all the time.
But I got to tell you my life is going nowhere.
Every year, the same.
Dipping, chasing, shearing.
Well, it sounds to me as if you're in a mid-career crisis.
You know, lately I ask myself "Now, what are people going to say about me after I'm gone?" "Enrique Lopez, he raised sheep.
" I gotta try something else before I'm too old.
Like what? I don't know.
Cows, maybe.
Oh.
How's the schnoz? Don't ask.
Joel, you're a fiscally responsible person, right? Well, I don't have a lot of fiscal to be responsible for but what do you have in mind? What do you think of that? $30,000? Yeah, it's crazy, huh? Maurice has this thing about what happened up on the roof.
$30,000? He won't let it drop.
What do you think I should do a charitable cause, some sort of municipal foundation, what? My advice to you is cash it, this morning now, before he comes to his senses.
Hmm.
Excuse me.
What's the matter, Shel? Have you talked to Ed lately? He's been acting creepy.
Creepy? Yeah.
Well, this morning when I served him breakfast eggs over easy on the hard side, like always he asked me which I thought was better, hanging or drowning? Then he wanted to know if I'd ever thought about throwing myself in front of a train.
Come to think of it, he did ask me if I'd ever considered jumping into the Green River Gorge.
He said something to Dave about Drano.
You don't think he's No.
What? Can we talk? Talk? Yeah.
Can you turn that off? Thanks.
How are you? How am I? Yeah.
You come all the way up here to ask me, how am I? No, just wondering.
I'm busy, Fleischman, and I have a lot of work to do so, you know, if you're through.
Look, can we take a walk or something? Walk? You and me take a walk? Yeah.
What is it, Fleischman? I just would like to get away from any implements of destruction, if you wouldn't mind.
Better be good.
All right, look, I think it's clear we've been having a little communication problem as of late.
Communication? Yeah, and though I can find no excuse for your behavior I've thought about it and I'm willing to concede that my decision to pursue litigation may have been a bit rash.
What are you hiding, Fleischman? Nothing, I'm not hiding anything.
I'm just saying that, with the benefit of hindsight and a little sober reflection maybe we can see the other side a little better? And? And back down a bit.
Back down? I'm willing to drop that lawsuit if you're willing to drop the eviction.
Weak case, huh, Fleischman? Not at all.
Quite the contrary, if this were New York you wouldn't have a prayer, but it ain't New York.
It's not even the 20th century.
Hey.
You must be the shepherd fella? I understand you're trying to get out of the business.
I'll offer you $100 for a sheep.
$100? All right, $125, but that's my top offer.
You want only one? Only need one.
Your mutton is going to be the answer to my prayers, amigo.
Well, take any one you want.
That one over there has a good coat.
Oh, I'm not interested in the wool.
You don't want the wool? No.
We're gonna throw him off the roof.
What? What my friend's trying to say is that in the interest of science, we're gonna perform a little experiment.
Not with my sheep, you're not.
Now, wait a minute, friend.
They're all going to end up lamb chops anyway.
These are Romney Marsh sheep! Hand weavers depend on these sheep! You do not drop a Romney Marsh sheep from the roof! Now, just a minute here.
Lupe! You're making a big mistake, my friend.
Come on, Kermit, let's get the hell out of here.
You do not throw a Romney Marsh sheep from the roof! I'm a shepherd.
Hello? Oh.
Ed? Oh, Shelly.
Hi.
Ed, what are you doing? Well, I was just putting out a few rat traps.
They've been getting the insulation, why? You weren't trying to off yourself? Well, you know, all that talk about hanging and drowning and jumping in front of a train.
Suicide's not the Indian way.
It's not? Nah.
Don't go where you're not invited, you know what I mean? Oh.
Besides, I feel great.
You do? Yep.
Being on that roof really got me thinking.
About death being all around us and how you'll never know when your number's gonna be up.
Kind of like when you're walking across a bridge and you start thinking about jumping off.
Why would you want to jump off? Oh, it's not that you really wanna jump off.
No? It's more like you just can't help thinking about jumping off.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, how long will it take? Will you scream? Which part of your body will hit first? Will death be instantaneous or would you feel something first? You know, just kind of stuff like that.
Hmm.
Well, O'Connell, as it was explained to me at $110 an hour by Tom Hoberman my esteemed lawyer by the time I got a judge to actually issue an injunction against you we might all be dead.
And in terms of my civil suit, let's just say it would triple my current debt load by the time I had my first legal conference in the flesh.
What do you say? Forget it.
What do you mean? I mean, you have six days, Fleischman, and then you're history.
O'Connell, I am the injured party here, okay? I'm trying to give you a break.
No, Fleischman, you started something you can't win and now you want out! All right, fine, great.
You want to play it that way, fine.
I can't wait to see what a jury thinks when they get a load of this.
Well, your honor, to my recollection he put his finger like this and said, "Right here!" No, just listen to me, please.
Drop the eviction.
You get your hands off me, Fleischman or I'm gonna punch you in the nose again.
No way you're hitting me again, O'Connell! Get your hands off me.
O'Connell! Fleischman.
Oh, Fleischman.
Stevens, get out here.
Okay.
I stopped payment on that check.
You can return the stock options any time.
It's right here, Maurice.
What's up? This.
Coconut? Well, actually, I started with melons.
I got your usual assortment, a Crenshaw, casaba, cantaloupe but none of them had the right density or mass to simulate the human skull.
And then I thought of coconuts.
I got a dozen of them.
And one by one, I dropped them off the roof.
You were dropping coconuts off the roof? Yeah.
Actually first three exploded on impact.
And then five partially fragmented but three of them made it through intact.
And this one, this one here, well, look for yourself.
See, this scarring indicates the initial impact.
And this crack went through the husk but not all the way to the meat.
But, look here.
The milk survived intact.
Right.
You don't get it, do you? Well, why don't you just help me out a little, Maurice? You did not save my life.
I didn't.
Hell, no.
With any luck, I would have survived that fall with a massive cerebral trauma and internal hemorrhaging.
Quick airlift to Anchorage, emergency surgery.
I'd have been on my feet again in six weeks.
Well, three months at the most.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
What about paraplegia? Well, there is the possibility of spinal cord damage and, admittedly, I'd rather put a nine-millimeter slug in my brain than spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair but that is not the point.
No? No.
The point is that I did not need you.
I would have survived that fall.
So this this was just a superfluous gesture of goodwill on my part.
A mighty generous gesture, I might add.
Well, it's all there, Maurice.
It better be.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what? Oh, no.
People are looking at us, Fleischman.
There's a table.
You're blushing.
I can't help it.
They're looking at us.
What? Do you think they know? No.
How could they know? I don't know.
Evening.
What can I get you two? What? What do you mean, "you two"? Well Can't two people sit together without being categorized as a couple? Well, sure.
Good.
Okay.
So, what would you like, Maggie? Why don't you just give us a few minutes, please.
Yeah.
All righty.
He knows.
He doesn't know.
Well, if he didn't before, Fleischman, he does now, thanks to you.
What'd I say? It's written all over your face.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
It is not.
Is it? It is, isn't it? How could they know? Think someone saw us? God.
Oh, God.
What? We're gonna have to say something.
What? I don't know, we're gonna have to make some sort of announcement or something.
An announcement? Not so loud.
What do you mean, an announcement? What, like, the parents of Mary Margaret O'Connell and Joel Chaim Fleischman are pleased to announce- Don't be an idiot, Fleischman, no.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
What? I don't know, Fleischman, look around.
I mean, look at everyone, it's so obvious.
You know, ever since you've gotten here people have wondered, "When are they going to do it? "Are they going to do it?" You're kidding? No.
And now that we've done it, you know now that it's over, people are People are going to be talking behind my back, you know they will.
So I think that we need to do something.
We need to put an end to it.
Don't you? Just take the initiative? Yeah, exactly.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Can we just have your attention, please? Just a minute of your time, that's all.
We'd like to say something.
Now, I know a lot of you have been wondering whether- Not that it's any of your business, because But it seems to have slipped out and Well, we've decided to make it official here.
Erase all doubts.
O'Connell and I Well Spit it out, Fleischman.
Well, I am.
How do you put this? We did it, so to speak.
It's in the books.
Happy now? Did what? It.
Sex, you know? The deed.
We had sex.
Together, me and him.
Well, we just thought we'd end your suspicions so that's it, folks.
In other words, you can talk about it amongst yourselves, out in the open.
We'll be here to answer questions later on.
Get it out of your systems.
Okay.
Okay, that should do it.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Huh.
Pull on those thermals, Cicely.
It's a crisp minus seven degrees out.
The Cohos are gone, people.
Outside temp's back to normal inside temp might take a few days to return to psychic stability.
Surveying this year's Coho damage except for Dr.
Joel's busted beak, I think we suffered the usual number of metaphysical bumps and bruises.
Got some news from the home front here Ed Chigliak dropped a note for me to read to everyone.
"Hey, everyone, I feel fine, really.
"It was just that seeing Maurice almost go splat "got me thinking about death.
Not in a bad way, just, in a way "like when Greta Garbo threw herself under the St.
Petersburg Express "in Anna Karenina.
Or how about Warren Beatty "freezing to death in McCabe and Mrs.
Miller, hunched over in the snow.
"He just stopped.
"Does anyone else think about these things? "Please let me know.
Your friend, Ed.
" Are we there yet? Almost.
It's coming.
Are you sure this is okay? Yeah, it's okay, don't be scared.
I just put it anywhere? Anywhere you want.
Okay, great.
Come on! Hey, hi.
Hi.
You busy? No.
Because if you're busy, I can- I'm not busy.
Come on in.
Okay.
Good.
So.
So.
We should talk.
You think? Well, maybe.
No, definitely.
I think we should talk.
Why don't you have a seat? Okay.
Go ahead, talk.
I know we did what we did, but I really can't believe we did it, you know.
Well- It's like we were two different people or something.
I been going over it in my head, I mean over and over it.
And the only explanation that I can come up with is some form of temporary insanity.
Exactly what I was thinking.
The wind.
It was the wind.
Now, I admit I've been slow to accept that the Coho theory of human behavior, but what else could it have been? Right, what? I mean, one minute we're trying to kill each other the next minute, I mean, we were going at it like wild animals and then, again.
You know how they say, that love is related to hate and all that? I really think that's true.
And I think what the Cohos do, is they just exaggerate all those feelings they stir things up, and sometimes they just get- Confused.
Exactly.
Because, Fleischman, let's face it I think the way we really feel for each other is basic hostility, you know? And when I punched you in the nose, that was the real me and when you hit back with that lawsuit, that was the real you.
Interesting, so what you're saying is that yesterday was like some freak switch being thrown.
I mean, we weren't ourselves we, in fact, were the exact opposite of ourselves, yeah? Exactly.
That's it.
Oh, at least I think that's it.
No, no.
That's it.
I think you got it.
Look, if that's true then, hey, we don't have to worry about it ever happening again.
Absolutely, because the No more wind.
Right.
No more wind.
Well.
All right.
Now that we did it, and, I mean, don't get me wrong because it was fabulous.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, I mean, as far as I'm concerned we buried the needle.
Discovered another planet.
You should have seen the claw marks this morning.
Beyond, beyond.
But, now that it's done.
Over.
I think that it's out of my system.
Mmm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Which is wild, because Well, let's face it, the sexual tension was Well, you could cut it with a knife.
Try a hacksaw.
Right, but, it's like It's like we had a tumor and it was removed.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, I feel that it's Cured? Yeah.
Hmm.
I feel much better.
Good, well good.
That's great.
So? So? Come on, I'll walk you out.
Morning, Marilyn.
Good morning.
Well, Fleischman, I'm glad we talked.
Me, too.
Yeah.