Parks and Recreation s04e16 Episode Script

- Morning.
- Hey.
Hey, can you approve this new design for the campaign poster? Oh, Ann, you beautiful, rule-breaking moth.
You know we can't talk about my campaign in here.
Seriously? It's a "yes" or "no" question.
When you're running for office, there are, like, a million rules of what you can and cannot do.
Yes.
And because I work for the government, I am not allowed to do anything campaign-related inside a government building.
Boss, I need your Herbie Hancock on this.
Outside.
It's kind of a pain in the ass.
But it's great exercise But it's a pain in the ass.
So Perd Hapley wants to do Thursday now.
Fine.
Did you finish the maintenance report? I did not finish it, but I will finish it.
So wait, what was your question again? The slogan? Okay, can I just come out there, so we can talk about everything? No, April, I need to keep my work separate, okay? Just think of it like a fun game.
Parks is inside.
Campaign is outside.
Parks is inside.
Campaign's outside.
Ooh, you know what would make it more fun? - What? - Oh, my God, this.
April.
### ### It's time, Leslie.
You have to take a leave of absence from the department.
Ron, that is ridiculous.
- We've talked about this.
- No, you've talked about it, and I've ignored it, because it is ridiculous.
Need I remind you that even if I win the election, I can still work at the Parks department.
City council is a part-time job.
But campaigning is a full-time job.
Right now you're working and 50 hours a week on the campaign.
Well, I have time to spare.
I'm also volunteering at "Wheels For Meals On Wheels.
" We repair vans for "Meals On Wheels.
" You're a month behind on everything.
You forgot to file the weekly Parks Maintenance report.
You do it every week, and you forgot.
Things are falling through the cracks.
I'm pretty sure you've worn that sweater four days in a row.
Or I own four identical versions of the same sweater.
No, you don't, there's an old lollipop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday.
That's the style now, Ron.
It's called "lollipopping.
" All the kids are doing it.
Leslie, you need to take a sabbatical.
Okay.
You know what, Ron? I accept your apology, I will not take a sabbatical, as we agreed, and we will never discuss this again.
Sorry, Ann.
You can't open this gift.
It's for the most beautiful girl in Pawnee.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Hold up, hold up, wait.
That's you.
Wow.
Yeah, and look, I got one too.
Matching His and Hers.
So I'm "Tommy's girl," and you're just "Tom"? Why not "Ann's man"? Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you.
You can either burn these hats in a fire, or you can use a blowtorch.
How about this option? - We put the hats on-- - Don't say it.
We take everything else off.
These Kangol hats are exactly like the one Samuel L.
Jackson wore to the Latin Grammys.
- How could she not like them? - I don't know.
It's like somehow everything I do with her is wrong.
Dude, seriously, leave me out of this.
I kind of set up Tom and Ann, and now they won't stop asking me for advice, which is a really bad move on their part, because I really don't care what happens to them Or anyone.
Champion! Hey, bud.
I missed you.
Thank you so much.
I hope he wasn't a handful.
Not in the slightest.
As the Germans would say, "er ist ein wunder hund.
" - He is a wonder dog.
- Oh.
The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I'm fluent in German Words relating to dogs.
April and Andy went away for the night, and I looked after Champion here.
He's a mutt.
Half amazing, half terrific.
Ich bin ein three-legged dog.
Well, I took him to PetSmart.
I got him various toys, got him shots, got him groomed, and gave him plenty of exercise.
He's healthier than ever.
Wait, did his leg grow back? Aw, no, no.
That's okay.
- Andy, if I may-- - Yes.
Dogs tend to take on the personalities - of their owners-- - Mm-hmm.
So if you were to sit on your couch all day watching cartoons and eating nothing but Cheetos, that's what he would want to do too.
Who wouldn't? That sounds like an amazing day, right? Okay, well, thanks.
Bye, Champion.
Morning, Leslie.
Jerry, take that shirt off.
You look ridiculous.
Gayle gave me this shirt yesterday as a birthday present.
Oh, my God, Jerry.
I can't believe I forgot your birthday.
Leslie, it is okay.
I mean, let's face it, it's a tough one to remember.
My birthday is February 29th, so I only get one real birthday, you know, once every four years.
But it's great because my wife Gayle makes such a big deal out of it.
We go, we split a huge piece of cotton candy cheesecake from Cakey J's Cheesecake Facility.
And then, well, we hold hands for a while.
We listen to some Anita Baker.
She meets up with some friends, and I turn in early.
This is unacceptable.
Birthdays are important.
I'm so sorry we forgot yours.
I guess it just slipped through the cracks.
Yes, I guess it did.
Anyway, Happy Birthday to Jerry.
You are a kind and wonderful soul.
Thank you.
Also I need you to do some fecal contamination testing - at the reservoir.
- Now? Yes, go get a kit from maintenance, and I need you to check the water for bird dung.
Can I at least grab the gloves? Jerry, what are you doing standing here? - Our water has poop in it.
- Oh, my God.
Now Jerry is turning 64 this year.
- He's only 64? - 64 divided by 4 is-- - 16.
- 64.
So we're gonna throw him a Sweet 16 surprise party.
It's gonna be very special.
- The usual, cake and pop? - No, April, the unusual.
- Fish and pop.
- No.
- Cake and fish.
- No, no fish.
Jerry only gets a real birthday every four years.
And four years from now, who knows? He might be retired Or dead.
Let's start a pool.
Who wants retied? Who wants dead? - Dead.
- No.
- I got one dead.
- No.
- You need to take that? - Mm, no.
The campaign can wait, 'cause this is official Parks business.
Donna, can we use your lake house? How did you know about that? My family has a lake house up in the foothills, but we keep it quiet.
We're not big on hospitality.
The Meagles are a cold people.
Can we use your house? I suppose.
Bring your own towels.
Wow, Donna.
This place is beautiful.
Yes, it is, and it will stay that way.
These are the house rules.
No dirty shoes in the house.
Upstairs is Meagle space only.
And if you listen closely, that is the bubbling of the hot tub.
You do not have access to it.
If you follow these rules, we won't have a problem.
Oh, my God.
- Is that Ginuwine? - Mm-hmm.
Why do you have Ginuwine's platinum record on your wall? Why do you have a photo of you with Ginuwine at some place? Oh, have I never talked about this before? Ginuwine's my cousin.
Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin? How do I not know this? Who's Ginuwine? Ginuwine? Ginuwine is Ginuwine.
He's Ginuwine.
Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.
He's an R&B singer.
Pony, Differences.
Do you really not know who Ginuwine is? I know that he's Donna's cousin.
When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my "oh-no-nos.
" A woman commits an "oh-no-no," it can end the relationship.
Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the "oh-no-nos" list.
Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.
Hey, boy.
How was the ride? Oh, hey, you want me to show you something? Okay.
Platz.
Steh Auf.
See, it's pretty cool, huh? Would you like me to teach you? Uh, whatever.
I mean, anybody can do that.
Toxic.
Merkel.
- Merkel.
- What is "Merkel"? She's the Chancellor of Germany.
Not only more jobs but better jobs.
I just did a phone interview while simultaneously decorating this house for Jerry's surprise party.
Totally multitasking, totally on top of all of it.
Crow for dinner tonight, Mr.
Swanson? Okay, we are locked and loaded.
Music is ready.
Slideshow is prepped.
- April, when does Jerry arrive? - How would I know? Who was supposed to invite Jerry? Guys, someone was supposed to invite Jerry.
It's his surp-- Crap, it was me.
I forgot to invite Jerry.
You need to take a sabbatical.
I'm not taking a sabbatical.
Is this because I forgot to invite Jerry - to his own birthday party? - It did seem like an oversight.
I have a prediction, Ron.
By the end of the night, you are going to take a bite of Jerry's cake, which incidentally, we need to pick up on the way home, and you are gonna say, "sabbatical, schmabbatical.
Leslie can do it all.
She's the best, and I'm stupid.
" That does sound like me.
Hey.
Here's a fun game.
Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets.
- Ooh, that does sound fun.
- Stop me when I hit it.
Ann, I'm at 600.
Are you really not stopping me? I have those cotton t-shirt sheets.
Huh? It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst.
She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge "oh-no-no.
" She also "doesn't care" about Blu-ray? - She's a monster.
- April, this is serious.
I might have to break up with Ann.
Yeah, well, then break up with her.
But she's my dream girl.
Then don't break up with her.
Except she hates everything I like.
I own more pairs of Uggs than she does.
I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and Ann talk about their relationship, but then I remembered that alcohol existed.
Thank you, alcohol.
Jerry? Jerry.
Where the hell could he be? Maybe someone else had a surprise party and actually remembered to invite him.
Jerry? Jerry.
Jerry? Jerry! Come on in.
- Oh, God.
- Leslie.
Hello, Jerry.
Jerry, why did you call us in here? Well, because I thought you were Gayle.
What are you doing in my bathroom? Yes, Leslie, what are we doing in Jerry's bathroom? There is a Parks emergency that only you can help us solve, so we need you to get out of the tub.
Let's get going.
O-okay, jes--w-- I gotta get dressed.
- No, there's no time.
- There's time, Jerry.
Get dressed.
Okay, well, what is the big emergency? Oh, did we lose more seniors in the woods? No, it's a sinkhole, right? Crap on a catapult.
They screwed up my campaign signs.
Now I gotta deal with this.
Okay, but what about the sinkhole? Don't worry, Leslie will deal with this and the sinkhole.
Right, Leslie? Yes, Ron.
I will, Ron.
And I shall do it with aplomb.
What the hell is wrong with Tom? Don't know.
It's like I'm dating some idiotic game show host.
He is driving me crazy with these stupid questions.
Well, soon it won't matter.
Why? What did he tell you? Nothing.
Wait, is he gonna break up with me? I don't know.
I'm-- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
That's not how this ends, okay? I break up with him.
I think I will celebrate with a drink.
Quit pulling.
Fine, I'll let you off the leash.
- Andy.
- What the [Bleep.]
, dude? Where did you come from? I think that Champion should stay on his leash.
There's unfamiliar terrain and strange smells.
No, leashes are just for dogs that bite people.
That's not true.
Chris, Champion's my dog, okay? He's not going anywhere.
Sometimes you just have to let a dog be a dog.
He'll be all right.
Champion! He'll come back.
So as you can imagine, we would never have ordered a sign with all this complicated nonsense because, you know, we're not insane.
See right here on the order form? - Mm-hmm.
- I can read the sign.
- It does.
- ".
com/imagescmyk/--" - well, but this isn't what-- - "page/carnpaignlqty100123--" You don't need to read the whole thing.
- "9u/09230023--" - Mm-hmm.
"099twposter--" - it does say that.
- ".
jpeg.
" Jpeg.
Yes, Walter, it does say that.
You're right, but using basic logic and human intelligence, one can surmise that this is a link to an image.
This isn't what we wanted printed on the signs.
Whatever's on the order form I print.
In this case, it was a long string of letters and numbers.
Can I just sh--show you something here? There you go.
That's highly against protocol.
Well, here, look.
That's a good sign.
You should've used that.
You told April you were breaking up with me? Ann, we consistently disagree on "who wore it best.
" You still use an iPad one.
You read books all the time.
Okay, how about my "oh-no-nos" for you? You make me see terrible movies, and then you talk through them.
"You put 20" rims on your volkswagen golf, and you insist on being introduced as "the brown Gosling.
" Everything you just said makes me like me more.
I can't take it any more, okay? I'm breaking you up.
You guys are done.
- Fine with me.
- Fine, fine.
- Oh, April.
- I'm drunk.
You made me drunk, you made me drunk, and you-- - No, no.
Give it a rest.
- I need it.
- Okay.
- Fine.
Let's get you to bed.
You know, why are you guys even fighting anyway? It's so stupid.
"I hate Ann because of this stupid reason.
" "And I hate Tom for this stupid reason.
" Who cares? - You want some help? - No, I got it.
Well, we did everything, Ron.
We got new signs.
We put them in people's yards.
We got Jerry for the surprise-- sinkhole emergency.
And, uh, we briefly ran out of gas, and then we walked to the gas station.
We got more gas, and now we're all good.
Yep, you truly are attempting to do it all.
Thank you.
We didn't get to the drug store for my liver medication.
Well, you should've thought about that before we dragged you out of the bath, Jerry.
Yeah.
Okay, wait a second.
This is clearly not a sinkhole problem.
What's going on? Jerry, as soon as we open this door, everything will become clear.
Surprise! Oh, what the [Bleep.]
? Surprise.
Where the hell is everybody? Well, it got so late.
We just weren't sure you were still coming.
Everybody's either in bed or out looking for Champion.
Oh, yeah.
Champion ran away.
- Wake everybody up.
- Leslie.
No, I am not gonna let this fall apart.
We are gonna throw Jerry an amazing Sweet 16 surprise party no matter how agonizing it is for all of us.
That's the spirit.
- Champion.
- Champion! Champion, come here, boy.
I have an organic, gluten-free soy bone for you.
Champion! Chris, there's something I have to tell you.
- I ate one of your soy bones.
- Really? Yeah, it was really good.
I was gonna give it to Champion, but it just-- it looked so yummy.
The point is, I'm a terrible dog owner.
And I think, if we find Champion, you should keep him.
Andy, if it wasn't for you and April, Champion would still be back at the pound.
You gave him a home.
That's amazing.
And he's your dog.
If you just call out his name, he will come to you.
What--no, he won't 'cause I've been trying it, and it didn't work.
I think he likes your music.
Why don't you sing to him? Really? I don't have my guitar.
- I usually-- - Come on.
I feel naked without it, okay.
### Champion, you're lost ### ### and soon you'll be found ### ### I rescued you from the pound, ### something something ### ### oh man ### ### on the ground ### ### get on out of here ### Champion! Champion, hey! Oh, buddy, you came back.
You came back to my voice.
Dog whistle.
- April, wake up.
- Jerry's here.
April.
- April.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Why is your arm around her? I broke you up.
Well, we got back together again 'cause of what you said.
What do you mean? I didn't say anything.
Yeah, when we were carrying you to bed, you correctly pointed out that we were arguing about stuff that was stupid, and so we talked it out.
And I apologized, and he apologized.
And now everything's great.
- Thanks.
- No.
I'm drunk.
Don't listen to me, no.
- See you out there.
- No.
- Whoa, thanks, guys.
This is really-- this is really great.
Okay, I want everyone to go around and tell their favorite Jerry story.
A positive one.
Who's first? Jerry, today is your birthday, but it's about much more than that.
It's also about Ann and I getting back together and being the hottest couple in Pawnee.
I'd also like to announce our official relationship mash-up name.
It's "Tan.
" To Tan.
I would like to announce that the name Tan is officially over.
To the end of Tan.
- Haverkins it is.
- Okay, Donna? I would like to address the fact that rule number seven says, "no pets," and yet there is a three-legged animal - in my living room.
- Okay, Ron.
Jerry's work is often adequate.
I'll go.
Jerry has a wife and three beautiful daughters-- a full life-- and that's amazing.
April and Andy have Champion, and that's amazing.
I have a stepbrother who lives in London and 2.
8% body fat.
Guys guys What do I do? I mean, she's asleep.
You probably should just sit there and not move.
She's really tired.
Just a few hours.
Few hours? Is this all the eggs we have? Yes.
What are you making? Eggs.
- Leslie.
- Surprise! Oh, God.
What happened? Well, you slept with Jerry last night.
No, I was planning Jerry's morning surprise party.
Morning surprise parties are always the best.
- Let's get going.
- I made some coffee.
Let's go for a walk.
I now officially insist that you take a sabbatical.
- No, no.
- Let me finish.
I used to work in a sheet metal factory, but then a job came along at the tannery.
The hours were better, and I would get paid.
Also I'd have the chance to work with leather both before and after it was on the cow, which had always been a dream of mine.
I didn't want to give up my sheet metal job, so I tried to do both jobs and finish middle school.
How old were you? The point is, I was so tired, I tried to puncture an eight-gauge aluminum foil with a leather awl.
- Wow.
- I learned a lesson.
Never half-ass two things.
Whole-ass one thing.
So if you want to win that seat-- Which I do.
Then commit yourself 100%.
Take a sabbatical.
I will cut back to 10 hours a week.
Deal.
- 15.
- 10.
Deal.
Ugh, I can't believe I got them back together.
Now they're always gonna want to come talk to me about stuff.
Eh, that's a good thing, babe.
They want to talk to you because you're important to them.
Yes, but I hate them.
I know you do, sweetheart.
Oh, hey, uh, by the way, I think that Chris is lonely, so I told him he could borrow Champion whenever.
- Andy, he's kissing me.
- Aww.
Jerry, I wanted to say I'm sorry that I screwed up your birthday party.
- Oh, that's okay.
- But we all pitched in.
And we are sending you and Gayle to a B&B in your favorite place in the world.
Muncie? Amazingly, yes.
Muncie, Indiana.
Thank you, guys.
It was really expensive.
- Oh, campaign.
- Take it.
Excuse me.
If the Bread and Breakfast This is Leslie.