Raising Hope s04e16 Episode Script

Oh, good, you're home.
In Hippo Cheese Candy Mouse, how many moves before I get to flip the army man into the bathtub? Two hippo chomps, and one slide down Candy Cane Lane.
Yahtz-cheese! I win.
Could've solved this an hour ago.
What took you so long to get home? Ah, I stopped to watch the neighbor kids doing backflips off their porch.
You should've seen it.
They were all wearing helmets.
Wussies.
We're raising our kids to be chickens.
Seat belts, vitamins, pool fences? I almost got up on that porch, showed them how to do it.
Like you could still do a backflip.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying I dare you to try it.
What Sabrina didn't know was that my dad hadn't turned down a dare in 25 years.
You know what? Let's just kiss here and go back down.
What are you talking about? We need to kiss on the top of the radio antenna before Gavin and Cindy! Yeah, I don't know.
I just feel weird.
If we fall, it's not gonna be like the cartoons.
I mean, sure we may flatten out or make a hole in the shape of our bodies, but we're not gonna survive it.
Are you scared? No, I just think that we should go back down to the ground instead of being unresponsible.
Hey, everybody, Chance is wussing out! Scaredy-pants Chance! Thanks, Burt.
Now Cindy Holbrook is gonna be the first pregnant teen to kiss on top of the radio antenna.
Scaredy-pants Chance! From that day on, my dad's been trying to save his reputation.
And that's why he's never turned down a dare.
Why in the world would you try to launch a bottle rocket from your butt? Where else am I gonna put it my mouth? That's just stupid.
Okay, what did you guys dare him to do? Mary Poppins was a liar! That's why we try not to let people dare my dad anymore.
No, no! Oh! Stuck it.
Whoo! Here we go Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Burt, I'm really sorry.
Let me help you up.
No.
Don't help him.
He needs to learn to not do this anymore.
Never.
I'll never stop.
Why don't you guys just dare him to stop? Apparently it's against the rules.
It's like wishing for more wishes.
Well, as much as I would love to stay and discuss the fine print of my father's crazy dare addiction, we got to go home.
Yeah, we, uh we promised the sitter we'd be back, so I don't know why you two are spending so much money on sitters.
You got two perfectly responsible adults right here.
Who's safer than her grandparents? Well, it's just that sometimes you guys are busy or injured.
And Ashley's really great.
And Hope likes spending time with her, so It's probably 'cause she lets her eat junk food and watch cartoons all day.
No.
That's what Hope likes to do with you guys.
Oh, that kid does like her chocolate cake in a cone with sugar on top while she watches South Park.
Don't worry.
We watch it on the Spanish channel.
She can't understand a thing.
It's like Dora the Explorer if she had a friend who was a flying Christmas poo.
Yeah, Ashley reads to her, and they play arts and crafts and games.
And, plus, when we come home, the house is just spotless.
She's perfect.
Nobody's that perfect.
Especially teenagers.
I used to babysit, and I had all kinds of parties when the parents would leave.
Fortunately, I was able to parlay that into a successful career.
That's how she got so good at cleaning houses.
Ashley doesn't do any of that.
Well, all I'm saying is, you guys have no idea what she's up to whenever you're not looking.
Thanks for everything, Hubert.
Oh.
The buffet was wonderful.
Call me.
No, I-I'll call you.
Oh.
Where were you? I thought you were taking a nap.
Hubert took me to dinner.
It's 4:00.
We got a late start.
Did you get a boyfriend, Maw Maw? It's none of your beeswax who I spend my time with.
I just don't think I like you being with someone that we've never met before.
I mean, we don't even know what his children do for a living.
- Or if they are living.
- You know what, I think it's very cute you found somebody your own age to spend your time with.
Aren't too many of those left.
It's nothing serious.
I'm gonna go write this down in my diary before I forget it.
Damn it.
Where the hell was I going? Going to write in your diary.
Stay out of my business! Hope was easy as always.
Took her nap without saying a word.
All right.
Thank you so much, Ashley.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
Sabrina, get in here.
What? I found these empty rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom.
And there's no ice in the freezer.
I think my mom might be right.
Ashley had people over.
We don't know that.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
Oh, yeah.
The explanation is that she had a party.
Where a lot of people peed.
And that's not all.
Look at this.
Couch blanket's on the chair, chair blanket is on the couch.
What's she doing under the blankets, Sabrina? She's having the sex while our daughter watches.
Jimmy, I don't even think teenagers do it under blankets.
I mean, that comes way later in life when you're super ashamed.
The garage.
Jimmy, you're overreacting.
The moving around of blankets does not an orgy make.
Don't try and quote Shakespeare to confuse me.
You know what, while you're going through there, I just feel like I should mention I can't find that "Number One Wife" sweatshirt you got me.
And on the outside chance that Hope might have put it in there Look what I found.
Oh.
Sticky and sweet like a strawberry daiquiri.
Now, the only people that drink those are in high school or on cruise ships.
Jimmy, my first drink was a strawberry daiquiri.
I think you might be right.
Guess I'm "smarter than the average bear.
" That's right.
You're not the only one that can quote Shakespeare.
Ew.
Burt I think the skunks are in the house again.
You know what, at this point, I think they want it more than we do.
Just let them have it.
You can't even get out of bed 'cause of all those stupid dares.
Ow.
Maw Maw I think there's a skunk in there with you.
Maw Maw, who's in there with you? Hey, chill.
I'm just hanging with a friend.
And if ten pizzas show up, they're for me.
This little robot thing won't stop beeping.
That's a smoke detector.
Oh, cool.
I'm looking for some smokes.
Smokey! Here, Smokey.
Smokey.
- Smokey.
Come on, boy.
- God.
Maw Maw, what are you thinking? I'm thinking it's my house, and I can do anything I want.
Oh, I don't want to hear this "my house" stuff.
You're getting high! We weren't getting high! I am so freaking high.
Hang in my room, Hubert.
This one's full of buzz kills and narcs.
Comprende, mamacita.
Burt, I think it would be best if you got that guy dressed and out of our house.
That guy has a name.
I just can't remember what it is right now.
Neither can I.
Hey, how's the back? Maw Maw, you're not thinking straight.
You can't smoke pot here.
What if Hope visits? She eats crap all day and watches cartoons.
It's like hanging out with a stoner anyway.
I can't get those.
Sciatica.
Well, I can't either.
Backflip off the hot tub.
Sounds like we're in a pickle.
Dude, how good would a pickle be right now? Ooh.
You cannot be doing illegal drugs.
They're not illegal.
Hubert has a pot card for back pain.
Did he ever consider maybe his back hurts from carrying around a giant bong? Quit hassling me, Nixon.
Marijuana is a gateway drug.
It leads to harder things.
Hubert has a little blue pill that leads to harder things.
He's a loser.
We're in love! Oh, give me a break.
You're not in love.
We are, too! Look.
He gave me this bracelet.
I'm telling you, Burt, if you play it backwards, it clearly says, "Paul is dead.
" Then they replaced him with a robot, and that's why he's pretty much the only one that's still alive.
So much makes sense in this room.
Yeah.
Hubert and I are gonna be together till the day we die.
- I want you to stop seeing him.
- Whatever.
Hey.
Don't you "whatever" me, old lady.
As long as you're living under my care, you're gonna follow my rules.
Whatever.
Don't "whatever" me, young lady.
As long as you're under my care, you'll follow my rules! We didn't even go all the way! You didn't get that from a toilet seat! I was talking about the antenna tower.
I don't want to hear what you call his doodle noodle.
You're so lame! You're so lame.
Oh, my God.
I am.
Did you know Jerry Garcia was a musician before he got into ice cream? See you later, hot stuff.
Ooh I don't think they're taking the hint.
I'm not trying to give a hint.
That's the sound I make when I'm trying to keep my vomit down.
What's wrong? I think she's right.
I am lame.
What are you talking about? I'm the uncool parent.
I'm the stick in the mud.
I have become lame.
No, you haven't.
Face it, Burt.
A wild Saturday night for us now is rum raisin ice cream and startling raccoons.
When was the last time you did something illegal? At a fast food restaurant, I asked for a water cup and I put lemonade in it.
It was an accident, and I apologized.
I poured it out, and I paid for it.
But still pretty reckless.
Okay, maybe we are lame.
Hey, did you guys know that I have diabetes and a peanut allergy? That's not your bracelet, Maw Maw.
My name is Hubert.
What is this, a surprise inspection? I'm an old woman reading in bed.
Busted.
No.
I just wanted to say maybe earlier I overreacted a little.
And I should trust you.
Thank you, Virginia.
All right.
Sweet dreams.
Hey.
If your closet smells like weed, it's because I was just in your closet smoking weed.
And if it smells like pee, well, I'm old.
Come here, you silver-tongued devil.
I wish we didn't have to sneak around like this.
Stress is bad for my heart.
I'm sorry.
She just doesn't get us.
She forgets what it was like.
I wish we could just run away together, some place where we wouldn't be judged.
The running sounds like a little bit too much.
But maybe there's somewhere we could walk to slowly.
Come on.
I've only got three hours before the pill wears off.
What the Frank is going on? Afternoon, Mrs.
Chance.
He's installing nanny cams to help us keep an eye on Ashley.
We didn't agree to this.
Au contraire, mon friendo.
Okay, all right.
I'm not saying "no" to the idea of the nanny cam.
Don't worry.
It's not gonna be weird.
There's not gonna be any wires, or She's not gonna even know where the cameras are.
Does there happen to be one hidden in the novelty-sized can of baked beans sitting on the bookshelf? Blind luck, and you'll never find the others.
Banana taped to the window.
Okay, now you're freaking me out.
You guys, why didn't you just put it in the fruit bowl? She'd eat it! Teenagers love bananas.
That's a known fact.
Oh, wait.
I might be thinking of chimpanzees.
Good call on the fruit bowl.
Virginia, you smoking again? I think I have to, Burt.
I'm trying to get my cool back.
I don't think the cool kids are smoking anymore.
They're not? No.
They have computer cigarettes now or something.
I used to be the coolest girl in Natesville.
A wine cooler in one hand, cigarette in the other and a bun in the oven.
Man, the looks I used to get.
It was cool going to parties with a pregnant chick.
You were living proof that I'd had sex.
Now we're just lame-os who fall asleep at 9:00 to the sound of Mark Harmon solving crimes.
Well, maybe if we accept that we're not cool anymore, that makes us cool.
Like that couple on TV with the salt-and-pepper hair.
They don't care what anybody thinks.
They want to take a bath in the middle of a field, they don't ask permission.
They just do it.
They are cool as hell.
That's a commercial for people who need pills to have sex.
What? I thought it was a commercial for cool people taking outdoor baths, but this makes more sense.
Because I was wondering why a bathtub would give you dizziness and four-hour erections.
Do you know what? I refuse to just get old and lame.
I'm gonna fight this.
I'm gonna do what every cool kid in Natesville has done for the last 50 years.
- Moving to Tracetown? - No.
I'm gonna climb the radio antenna! And I dare you to climb it with me.
Oh.
Yeah.
Damn it! Virginia, wait up! Burt, look at us! I don't know if it's the adrenaline or being just above Natesville's smog layer, but I haven't felt this cool in years! Cowabunga, dude! Ah! Okay.
We've done it! Yeah.
We win! We're cool.
Can we get down now? What are you talking about? We're nowhere near the top.
Well, the last time we did this, this was the top.
When everybody got cell phones, they had to build a bigger antenna.
That's great! Oh, where you going? Cindy Holbrook might have gotten here first, but I'm gonna be the first one to get to the top.
Mom? What? Jimmy? What the hell are you guys doing up here? Virginia dared me.
We're trying to be as cool as when we were kids.
Why are you here? Same reason.
Virginia dared you? No.
We just felt lame.
Frank wired our place with nanny cams so we could keep an eye on Ashley.
Then we went into the garage and waited.
We've been staring at this hallway for 20 minutes.
I knew we should have let Frank put a camera in the bathroom.
The words "Frank," "camera" and "bathroom" do not belong in the same sentence.
- I'm going in.
- Wait, wait.
Look.
Oh, my God! She let a mummy into our house.
What? Wait.
Hang on.
I think that might be Ashley.
Good catch.
Turned out the blankets we thought teenagers were having sex on were just part of a pillow fort.
And the cups we thought were filled with daiquiris were just used for strawberry smoothies.
I feel like such an idiot for not trusting her.
It's like we have become those paranoid parents.
I know.
Look how great she is.
And now she's even taking out the trash.
Jimmy, that means she's Hey.
Were you guys spying on me? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is, like, super creepy and lame.
We're not lame.
We were just Uh, producing a new reality show.
And this was your audition.
Mm-hmm.
It's new.
It's called So You Think You Can Babysit.
I'm so glad to hear you guys aren't really a cashier and bagger.
That sounded like such a sad life.
We got busted by a 17-year-old who's already cooler than we ever were.
Yeah, we felt really lame, so we did the same thing every cool kid in Natesville has always done climb the antenna.
Natesville really ought to invest in a water park.
Or at least some kind of rec room with a dart board.
What are you two doing? Stop talking and get down right now! You're parents now.
You can't be unresponsible.
If you fall, it's not like in the cartoons.
I mean, sure you might flatten out or make a hole in the shape of your bodies, but you're not gonna survive it.
Oh, my God.
Scaredy-pants Chance.
Virginia, please don't mock me when I'm trying to be serious with our son and his wife! No.
You weren't scared of breaking your neck at all.
You were scared about who would take care of us if you did.
For the first time in your life, you were making an adult, responsible decision.
Huh.
Maybe that's why it felt so weird.
I also just realized you never should have thrown out your super-cool puka shell necklace.
But either way, you're still the bravest, sexiest man I've ever met.
Aw.
This is really sweet.
What are you still doing here?! You have a daughter to take care of! Dad's right.
We should go.
Love you guys! Bye.
That's right.
Run home to your baby, Scaredy-pants Chance! Hey! It is actually a pretty funny nickname.
We did it! We're at the top! Screw you, Cindy Holbrook! Oh.
Oh.
You know what? If I'm being honest, this isn't really making me feel a whole lot cooler.
Yeah, me, neither.
Maybe we're not gonna be cool anymore.
Maybe, from now on, we just get lamer and lamer.
Then we die of lameness.
Yeah, maybe so.
Promise me you'll grow lame with me? I think I'll be able to handle it better if we go through it together.
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
Let's grow old gracefully like Cher or Carrot Top.
Does that mean you're not going to do any more dares? Oh, I think I'm over that.
- Maybe just one last one? - Uh I dare you to kiss me.
Ah! Mmm.
Yeah, we did it! We kissed on top of the tower! We're not lame! We're just like all the other cool people in this town.
Incredibly stupid.
I wish someone could have seen us up here.
I know.
I bet we're the oldest people to do this.
What? Freeze! This is the police! Whoa! What? You are trespassing on government property.
Hey! Yes! Everybody's gonna hear about this! Hey! Dear diary, I don't care what Virginia says.
Hubert is the cat's pajamas.
I think tonight's the night I'll finally lose it.
My eyesight.
Can't even see what I'm writing.
Hubert! Hi, Barbara June.
Okay, you got five minutes to get your stuff together, and we're leaving here forever.
Did we make a suicide pact? Because I did make one with a pen pal once, and it didn't turn out too well.
No, we're gonna hop on my pimped out Get Around and we're gonna hit the open sidewalk.
Well, I don't know if I can just pick up and leave.
I have a family, I have a house.
I met a new guy named Hubert.
Come on, Barbara June.
I want to feel the breeze rushing through what's left of my hair, and I want you by my side.
I really want to go with you.
I'm just scared.
Relax, mamacita.
Here, take a Quaalude.
Oh, wait.
That's a stool softener.
- I better take that.
- Oh.
Here you go.
Are you nuts? This stuff could kill us.
So what if it does? At least we'll die with smiles on our faces, and a little bit of vomit 'cause sometimes those Quaaludes will make you choke on your own tongue.
My family's very important to me, and-and they're good, responsible people.
Hey, Maw Maw.
Remember Officer Steve and Officer Mark? Oh, no.
What did you two idiots do now? You'll read about it in tomorrow's newspaper.
And only in the newspaper.
Apparently, we kicked some wires and knocked out all the local TV stations.
Hello, Officers.
I'm ex-congressman Hubert Wilson, and I think we can all agree that it would be better if I were left out of this.
I'm not angry.
I'm just disappointed.
It's fun being in trouble.
Makes me feel like a teenager again.
Me, too.
Please don't take away our phone privileges.
I'm taking away your phone privileges! As long as you don't ground us.
You're grounded! Go to your room! Thank you for caring so much.
What's this? Guess I forgot to take my vitamin.