Robot Chicken s04e16 Episode Script
The Ramblings of Maurice
[ thunder crashing .]
[ drilling, sawing .]
[ electricity crackling .]
lt's alive! [ laughing .]
No, no, no, no, you have to break that up first.
What? Why? Those plastic things kill turtles.
Oh, gosh, right.
Ok.
Oh no, don't kill turtles.
[ rock music playing .]
Argggg! [ grunting .]
[ gasping .]
[ choking .]
[ music playing .]
Our cereal sales are way down! What do we do? l've go four words for you! Sugar, internet, viral, video, and some punctuation, exclamation point.
[ music playing .]
Oh, oh, ohhh Chocolate grain lt's a corn marshmallows, other stuff Chocolate grain 5 times more sugar than chocolate puffs Chocolate grain Tell your parents it what they should buy Chocolate Grain So much sugar you'll get crazy high Chocolate Grain lf you have diabetes stay away Chocolate Grain lt's something that our lawyers made us say Chocolate Grain The amount of sugar will drive you insane Chocolate Grain 100 percent sugar, zero grain Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof.
What else you go? Well for Fruit Monster, how about a video called 2 Berries, One Cup? l put together a rough demo.
Roll it! [ women laughing .]
[ vomiting .]
There you go.
Sir, this isn't a sperm bank it's a blood bank.
Then how did you expect me to fill the cup? l followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-Face.
And this time l'm bringing you down.
Not so fast Batman, your fate lies in the flip of this coin.
Heads you live, tails you die.
Oh, death.
Ahhh! l'm sorry Harvey-- Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name.
Three-Face.
This is my 3-sided die.
One you live, two you die, three, we can have chocolate together.
Oh, ah, looks like you're gonna Watch out for that-- Ahhhh! Three-Face, l'm really sorry about the hospital.
Call me by my real name.
Four-Face.
l'm holding four straws in my hand.
lf you choose the shortest one you die.
lf you choose the longest one you live.
The other two will determine whether or not l throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
Alright Four-Face, l'll play your game.
[ slurping .]
Oh, uh.
This is really good hot chocolate.
Hmm, the soup's not bad either.
Oh yeah, can l try some? No what! Harvey no! Ahhhh! [ music playing .]
[ cheering .]
Twenty years of service.
Since you're a chef and black, we got you this chocolate statue.
The best gift of all is your smiling faces.
But thanks for the gift, that's mildly racist.
[ cheering .]
Ahhh, what's going on? l think your stupid dog ate Roadblock's statue.
Ha, Ha, Ha.
Dogs can't eat chocolate.
[ whimpers .]
Oh, no! DUKE: Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor powers, nor high, nor Cobra, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
[ all .]
Yo Joe! Oh, thank you Duke.
That was real-real-real pretty.
Come on Mutt, let's get Junkyard's ashes spread.
What do you say? Yeah, Junkyard always loved running on the beach.
[ crying .]
Junkyard! [ all .]
Oh! Oh sorry boss.
l thought that would go way different.
Well anyway.
lt's now with great pride that we add Junkyard's name to G.
l.
Joe's wall of fallen heroes.
[laughing.]
Wow, only one name? Hey didn't Lift Ticket get shot down last year? [ LlFT TlCKET .]
l parachuted to safety.
Oh right, right.
Darn.
l swear someone got shot by a laser though.
.
Didn't anybody get shot by a laser? Anybody? Shot? Huh? Well.
l bet Cobra's wall is freaking full of names.
Am l right Joes? [ ALL .]
Yo! Joe! Hmm.
Oh.
Oh, we need more names.
You, what's your name? Wilson, sir.
And there's one for the wall.
Don't worry l'm ok.
- l'm just a little-- - Ka-pow! Ha ha ha ha ha.
Jetson, did you finish that report? Right here in my brief case Mr.
Spacely.
[ screaming .]
MR.
SPACELY: Jetson! Who wants a ribbed poodle? ANNOUNCER: You saw them in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
And Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
Now, in a breakout roll, The Traveling Pants starring, Zip lt Up.
He's a city cop and his new partner Bruce Willis doesn't like pants.
A pair of pants killed my uncle.
ANNOUNCER: And they've got to take down a sweat shop syndicate together.
[ screaming .]
[ yelling .]
ANNOUNCER: And in the end Hey.
ANNOUNCER: And in the end they'll make a perfect pair.
lt's a good fit.
ANNOUNCER: Get ready to travel on a journey of a life time.
And be sure to come in your pants.
- [ sneezes .]
- God bless you.
Ahhh, darn it.
Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed.
Well it's been in development hell for years.
Now theatres don't even want it.
We need a brand new take.
Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
Yo, what's up everybody This is Little Jen, aka, MC Gelfing l'm about to take you on a little journey Raise up your glasses ya'll And get ready for the story of the Dark Cristal Once upon a time, in the distant land of dark There was a huge ass super sized bottle of Cristal Living under three suns all the peoples having fun They were clinking and drinking Cristal for everyone But then there was a drive by Toast that, hit the deck lt was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech Boom got right, it split two different races To two different places The Skeksis headed West with creepy dead bird faces The UrRu ended on the East for all their help to come They were a bunch of mystics who like to sit around And hum [ humming .]
Ah yeah That sound good right there ln step the prophecy There's no stopping me Gelfling's gonna help things Pretty soon we'll be popping C R-l-S to the T-A-L Full throttle Taste the bottle and break that spell Whole world is again No one's sipping on bubbly Want to get busy or not to visit The ladies won't love me l got to save the land of Thura l am far and mystical Gonna wreck me some Skeksis And go get that Cristal l went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal Then l met Kira and Fizzgig - He was a little fuzzy ball - What's up ya'll? Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle Faced off with the Skeksis Man those dudes are crazy assholes l put the cracked shard of the bottle Back into the right spot Now the East and West coast got back together And this joint is fucking hot Yeah, this party's a blast Cristal's flowing fast l'm thinking l wanna Get up in Kira's ass We're all having a ball There won't be no last call West and East, quashed the beef They're all drinking Cristal More people still coming And the Mystics still humming They go [ humming .]
Yeah, that's the of end of the Dark Cristal Hoes! Whelp, we failed you Jim.
[ clink .]
[ slurp .]
Ohhhh.
Oh sweet relief.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk Bawk.
Ah, chocolate taste great! Sparky wants some too.
No, chocolate contain theobromines which is toxic to dogs.
But Sparky seems fine.
He wants some more.
Well this isn't chocolate.
This is carob.
BOTH: Huh? You're dog's fine, but your mom's a filthy hippie.
BOTH: Now we know! Whatever.
G.
l.
Joe
[ drilling, sawing .]
[ electricity crackling .]
lt's alive! [ laughing .]
No, no, no, no, you have to break that up first.
What? Why? Those plastic things kill turtles.
Oh, gosh, right.
Ok.
Oh no, don't kill turtles.
[ rock music playing .]
Argggg! [ grunting .]
[ gasping .]
[ choking .]
[ music playing .]
Our cereal sales are way down! What do we do? l've go four words for you! Sugar, internet, viral, video, and some punctuation, exclamation point.
[ music playing .]
Oh, oh, ohhh Chocolate grain lt's a corn marshmallows, other stuff Chocolate grain 5 times more sugar than chocolate puffs Chocolate grain Tell your parents it what they should buy Chocolate Grain So much sugar you'll get crazy high Chocolate Grain lf you have diabetes stay away Chocolate Grain lt's something that our lawyers made us say Chocolate Grain The amount of sugar will drive you insane Chocolate Grain 100 percent sugar, zero grain Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof.
What else you go? Well for Fruit Monster, how about a video called 2 Berries, One Cup? l put together a rough demo.
Roll it! [ women laughing .]
[ vomiting .]
There you go.
Sir, this isn't a sperm bank it's a blood bank.
Then how did you expect me to fill the cup? l followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-Face.
And this time l'm bringing you down.
Not so fast Batman, your fate lies in the flip of this coin.
Heads you live, tails you die.
Oh, death.
Ahhh! l'm sorry Harvey-- Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name.
Three-Face.
This is my 3-sided die.
One you live, two you die, three, we can have chocolate together.
Oh, ah, looks like you're gonna Watch out for that-- Ahhhh! Three-Face, l'm really sorry about the hospital.
Call me by my real name.
Four-Face.
l'm holding four straws in my hand.
lf you choose the shortest one you die.
lf you choose the longest one you live.
The other two will determine whether or not l throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
Alright Four-Face, l'll play your game.
[ slurping .]
Oh, uh.
This is really good hot chocolate.
Hmm, the soup's not bad either.
Oh yeah, can l try some? No what! Harvey no! Ahhhh! [ music playing .]
[ cheering .]
Twenty years of service.
Since you're a chef and black, we got you this chocolate statue.
The best gift of all is your smiling faces.
But thanks for the gift, that's mildly racist.
[ cheering .]
Ahhh, what's going on? l think your stupid dog ate Roadblock's statue.
Ha, Ha, Ha.
Dogs can't eat chocolate.
[ whimpers .]
Oh, no! DUKE: Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor powers, nor high, nor Cobra, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
[ all .]
Yo Joe! Oh, thank you Duke.
That was real-real-real pretty.
Come on Mutt, let's get Junkyard's ashes spread.
What do you say? Yeah, Junkyard always loved running on the beach.
[ crying .]
Junkyard! [ all .]
Oh! Oh sorry boss.
l thought that would go way different.
Well anyway.
lt's now with great pride that we add Junkyard's name to G.
l.
Joe's wall of fallen heroes.
[laughing.]
Wow, only one name? Hey didn't Lift Ticket get shot down last year? [ LlFT TlCKET .]
l parachuted to safety.
Oh right, right.
Darn.
l swear someone got shot by a laser though.
.
Didn't anybody get shot by a laser? Anybody? Shot? Huh? Well.
l bet Cobra's wall is freaking full of names.
Am l right Joes? [ ALL .]
Yo! Joe! Hmm.
Oh.
Oh, we need more names.
You, what's your name? Wilson, sir.
And there's one for the wall.
Don't worry l'm ok.
- l'm just a little-- - Ka-pow! Ha ha ha ha ha.
Jetson, did you finish that report? Right here in my brief case Mr.
Spacely.
[ screaming .]
MR.
SPACELY: Jetson! Who wants a ribbed poodle? ANNOUNCER: You saw them in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
And Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.
Now, in a breakout roll, The Traveling Pants starring, Zip lt Up.
He's a city cop and his new partner Bruce Willis doesn't like pants.
A pair of pants killed my uncle.
ANNOUNCER: And they've got to take down a sweat shop syndicate together.
[ screaming .]
[ yelling .]
ANNOUNCER: And in the end Hey.
ANNOUNCER: And in the end they'll make a perfect pair.
lt's a good fit.
ANNOUNCER: Get ready to travel on a journey of a life time.
And be sure to come in your pants.
- [ sneezes .]
- God bless you.
Ahhh, darn it.
Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed.
Well it's been in development hell for years.
Now theatres don't even want it.
We need a brand new take.
Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
Yo, what's up everybody This is Little Jen, aka, MC Gelfing l'm about to take you on a little journey Raise up your glasses ya'll And get ready for the story of the Dark Cristal Once upon a time, in the distant land of dark There was a huge ass super sized bottle of Cristal Living under three suns all the peoples having fun They were clinking and drinking Cristal for everyone But then there was a drive by Toast that, hit the deck lt was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech Boom got right, it split two different races To two different places The Skeksis headed West with creepy dead bird faces The UrRu ended on the East for all their help to come They were a bunch of mystics who like to sit around And hum [ humming .]
Ah yeah That sound good right there ln step the prophecy There's no stopping me Gelfling's gonna help things Pretty soon we'll be popping C R-l-S to the T-A-L Full throttle Taste the bottle and break that spell Whole world is again No one's sipping on bubbly Want to get busy or not to visit The ladies won't love me l got to save the land of Thura l am far and mystical Gonna wreck me some Skeksis And go get that Cristal l went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal Then l met Kira and Fizzgig - He was a little fuzzy ball - What's up ya'll? Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle Faced off with the Skeksis Man those dudes are crazy assholes l put the cracked shard of the bottle Back into the right spot Now the East and West coast got back together And this joint is fucking hot Yeah, this party's a blast Cristal's flowing fast l'm thinking l wanna Get up in Kira's ass We're all having a ball There won't be no last call West and East, quashed the beef They're all drinking Cristal More people still coming And the Mystics still humming They go [ humming .]
Yeah, that's the of end of the Dark Cristal Hoes! Whelp, we failed you Jim.
[ clink .]
[ slurp .]
Ohhhh.
Oh sweet relief.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk Bawk.
Ah, chocolate taste great! Sparky wants some too.
No, chocolate contain theobromines which is toxic to dogs.
But Sparky seems fine.
He wants some more.
Well this isn't chocolate.
This is carob.
BOTH: Huh? You're dog's fine, but your mom's a filthy hippie.
BOTH: Now we know! Whatever.
G.
l.
Joe