The Incredible Hulk (1978) s04e16 Episode Script
Half Nelson
Well I'm commando-trained.
Size means nothing.
The midget's wrestling tomorrow night.
We pick him up then, we pick his friend up, too.
They think you fenced stolen money.
(ROARS) Let my wife go! What do we tell the rental agency? You look nice, Buster.
I'm gonna get that midget and his lying friend.
Don't do that, he's dangerous.
NARRATOR: Dr.
David Banner, physician, scientist.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have.
Then, an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.
And now, when David Banner grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
(ROARS) The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Mr.
McGee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.
David Banner is believed to be dead.
And he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
(ROARS) (MEN CLAMORING) VICTIM: Hey, watch it! Watch it! Let me down! Let me down! Hey, watch it! Let me down! THUG: Oh, look out, he's getting mean.
He's getting real mean.
VICTIM: Come on, come on! When I finish, you're going to be in a hospital! You guys are going to be sorry you messed with me! We got company.
VICTIM: You watch, you've had it! Had it! You got lousy timing.
VICTIM: I'm done warning you! You had your chance! You looking to get involved? VICTIM: You blew it! VICTIM: You're gonna pay! Yeah, okay, let's have the wallet.
VICTIM: You're going to be in a world of hurt! The wallet! VICTIM: You're going to be sorry! Slow.
VICTIM: You're gonna be in a world of hurt! This ain't much.
That's all I've got.
Give me the bag.
Man, this guy's poor.
Jimmy, come on.
Are you all right? Who asked you to come along and louse things up? I'm sorry, I thought you needed some help.
Me, help? What makes you think that? Well I'm commando-trained.
Size means nothing.
Nothing.
I was just letting those punks think they had me.
Another five seconds, I'd have taken them apart.
Uh-huh.
Then you had to come along.
After that, I couldn't do anything.
You might have got hurt.
Well, thank you very much for your concern.
Listen, pal, I can take care of myself.
Yes, I can see that.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have got mad.
Not at you, anyway.
I'm Buster.
Buster Caldwell.
David Benley.
Don't worry about your money, David.
The Police Commissioner's a personal friend of mine.
We'll have those punks caught by the end of the day.
Look, I would rather not be involved with the police, okay? Oh, so that's how it is.
Yeah.
You don't have to worry about that either.
I understand.
I've been around the block.
You need to cop a couple bucks? No.
No, thank you.
Anything? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I could use a job, if you know of one.
Are you kidding? I know a lot of important people in this town.
We'll get you a job, and a good one.
You got a place to stay? Well, no, I don't.
Well, come on, you can stay with me.
No, thank you, Buster, but I couldn't do that.
Why not? Where you gonna stay for no money? Come on, just stay with me until you get settled.
I got to go to work later.
You come along, you'll get a kick out of it.
Looks like those punks really threw you.
The city can be an ugly place, David.
You got to know how to handle yourself.
I'll show you a few things.
Pressure points, kicks.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) MAN 1: Come on, you little punk, give it to him.
MAN 2: Come on, killer, you can take him! Get him now, killer! (AUDIENCE BOOING) Okay, I see you.
Break it.
One, two.
One, two, three! (BELL RINGING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Winning in three minutes and 14 seconds with a piledriver, Buster "Half Nelson" Caldwell.
What'd you think of the match? Oh, it was very interesting.
Interesting? Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'd have to say it was very entertaining.
Entertaining? Mmm-hmm.
Don't you mean impressive? Did you see that piledriver? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Want something to drink? No.
No, thanks.
One cola.
Don't tell me you're one of those cynical types? Well Put that on my tab.
Buster, I'm going to have to say Well, I admit that not everything seemed quite real.
Not quite real? Yeah.
Like what? Like when the guy jumped on your neck, you managed to get right up.
Come on.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) If it's injuries you're looking for, I've sustained a broken elbow, a hernia, a dislocated shoulder, more broken fingers than you can count on two hands.
The fans alone kill you.
One threw acid at Gregor Potemkin.
You're gonna say that that's not quite real? Well, maybe I guess I just don't understand the sport of it.
Hey, Buster.
What's the matter, don't you say hello anymore? Hi, Mitzi.
Hi.
Where's my little gentleman? (GIGGLES) If only Gregor had your manners.
Where is he? I'll teach him some.
Listen, Buster, I hear you know those guys.
You know, the wrestlers, the ones who ripped off the mob.
Know them? We're like this.
I taught them everything they know.
Well, people say they got away with a bundle, you know.
Ripped off a high-stakes game.
Now, are you gonna remember Mitzi if you get a cut, huh? That old mink of mine, why, it barely keeps my shoulders warm.
BUSTER: Well, you just tell your shoulders not to worry, baby.
MITZl: All right.
For that, you get a real kiss.
Hey, what is this? I can't turn my back on you.
Sorry, Gregor, seems she needs a real man.
Buster, I catch you two like that again, and you're gonna get stepped on.
And that's a fact.
Come on.
MITZl: Oh, get out of here! Oh! You! And I'll step on you, too.
We had a thing once.
Poor kid.
It didn't work.
Broke her heart.
(DOOR CLOSING) There's one thing I was a little concerned about tonight.
Von Kleiner's got this choke hold that puts people in the hospital.
One even in a coma.
Buster.
Hi, Marsha.
Hi, Buster.
Hello.
Did you get my invitation? Yeah, I got it.
Oh, well, I didn't hear from you.
The party's tomorrow afternoon.
Are you coming? I don't think so, Marsha.
I've got a friend staying with me.
Marsha, this is David.
Hi.
Hi, again.
Well, you can come to my party.
Maybe he doesn't want to come.
Do you want to come to a party? Um, whatever you wanna do, Buster, is fine with me.
A lot of people would like to see you.
Okay, we'll be there.
Would you like a ride home? Yeah.
Is that the guy who knows where the money is? Yeah, that's him, the little guy.
Come on, let's go get something to eat.
What about the guy with him? New face.
Come on, I'm hungry.
Hey, maybe he's in on it.
Maybe we have to squeeze him, too.
You ought to eat more, David.
It's important to eat a big breakfast.
To tell the truth, I get a little uncomfortable you're paying for everything.
You'll be able to pay me back, when you start the new job.
Yeah, about that job, Buster.
It's in the works.
I just want to make sure it's worthy of you.
Yeah, well, I'd do anything, you know.
Well, I wouldn't.
You're no day-laborer.
I saw that right away.
Oh, I've done more day-labor than you'd imagine, Buster.
Come on, you're a college man.
I can tell.
I went to college.
Good student.
And being small never got in my way.
I thought I'd go into medicine.
How'd you get into wrestling? It was nothing.
Just luck.
One night I went to the wrestling matches with my friends, it got to me.
The sport, the drama, the action.
Next day, I went and talked to a trainer.
He told me I had an ideal center of gravity.
Right there, a star was born.
Right now, I'm the champ of my division.
I'll bet you didn't know that.
No, I didn't.
Hey, I hope you've changed your mind about wrestling, David.
I was just thinking what kind of a doctor you might have been.
Any regrets? Why should there be? I've done what I wanted.
I've always done what I wanted.
I'm happy.
Can you say the same for yourself? (GRUNTS) Hey, how'd we get on this subject? Let's go get a paper and see what kind of write-up I got.
Ah.
You finish eating.
I'll get the paper, okay? Hey, Buster.
I sure liked the matches last night.
Thanks for the tickets.
You want some more coffee? You know me, Pete.
One cup is my limit.
The caffeine throws my timing off.
Oh, yeah.
Say, I hear you know those guys that ripped off the mob.
I might.
Come on, Buster, I know you for a long time.
You can tell me.
You see my friend over there? PETE: Yeah? He's from the coast.
Guess what he does for a living.
How should I know? He fences money.
Get it? There you go.
(INAUDIBLE) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Terrific.
Someone to change the light bulbs.
Who invited him? Excuse me.
You know, Buster, maybe it wasn't such a good idea, my coming here.
Don't let them make you uncomfortable.
No, it's just that I think I'm making them feel uncomfortable.
Forget it.
If you go, I go, too.
Hi! Buster, David.
Gee, I'm happy you could make it.
Thank you.
You're the only one that is.
Don't you have any normal friends? What do you mean? My friends are normal.
Sure they are.
They all just happen to be under 5 feet.
Well, most of my friends are little people.
We might be small, Marsha, but we don't have to live in a sideshow.
I'm gonna go have a drink.
Would you like one? No.
No, thank you.
I keep trying, but nothing seems to work.
Well, Buster certainly is a lucky man.
I think he's gonna recognize that sooner or later.
No.
Buster looks at me and he sees something that he doesn't like.
Something that can't be changed.
He's in for a rough time.
Well, I think it's very healthy the way he feels about being small.
It certainly doesn't get in his way.
You're wrong.
It gets in his way so much, he can't even admit it, and that's not healthy.
Like it or not, things are different for little people.
Drinking fountains, pay phones, elevators, and that's just the beginning.
Buster wanted to become a doctor.
And he could have, too.
But wrestling? That's not healthy either, David.
That's just a waste.
You know Chinese food doesn't sit well with me, it never has.
Yeah, well, we ate Italian yesterday.
And the day before.
I'm sick of it.
Besides, we ain't gonna eat anything till they come out of there.
And we find the money.
Marsha, we're out of ice and the drinkers are getting restless.
I'll run down to the liquor store.
Oh, no, look, I'll go.
That way you won't have to leave your guests.
Oh, that's sweet.
Are you sure? Oh, I'm positive.
Be right back.
Thank you.
Mmm-hmm.
He's cute.
Too bad he's not a foot shorter.
Hey, look, there's a little pizza shop around the corner.
I'll go get takeout and you stay here, okay? How come you're always thinking about food? I get hungry.
Well, stay that way.
One thing I learned in the army, never fight on a full stomach.
There's the guy who's gonna fence the money.
Let's take him.
DAVID: Hey! What is this? Wait a minute! Hey, come on! The syndicate wants its money.
What money? Don't waste our time! I don't know what you're talking about.
"I don't know what you're talking about.
" (GRUNTS) It's no use, pal.
If you still want your kneecaps by tomorrow morning, you better start talking.
I'm gonna count to three.
I don't One, two, three.
(CAR HORN HONKS) MAN: What, are you crazy or something? (CAR HORN HONKS) MAN: Hey, man, look out! Miss, miss, help me! Miss, help me! Please, no! Help me, please! WOMAN: Go away! Leave me alone! No! No, don't lock it! Please! Please! Unlock the door! Help me, please! Please, open the door! Please! (GROANS) What did you let him go for? I couldn't help it.
Let's see if he can still talk.
(ROARS) (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Let my wife go! Put her down! That's my wife, you hear me? WOMAN: Jack, help me! JACK: All right, you asked for it.
Let my wife go! Whatever you are, let her go! What is that? JACK: Don't worry, honey.
Buzz off, you! Go on, beat it! Jack, you were wonderful.
What a day.
Can we eat now? No, we can't eat now.
What do we tell the rental agency? That green thing, who's gonna believe it? Not the people we work for.
The only green they want to hear about is their money.
And they want to hear something soon.
We got to get that little guy to talk.
All right.
All right.
The midget's wrestling tomorrow night.
We pick him up then, we pick his friend up, too.
Yeah, his friend.
I'd like to get my hands on him again.
(WRESTLERS GRUNTING) First I soften him up with a bunch of knee drops to the neck, say, 30 or 40.
Then I pick him up, and I get him in my backbreaker.
What do you think? That's not dramatic enough.
I mean, we got chemistry here.
We can milk you guys into a series.
Grudge matches, Texas Death matches, chicken wire, the whole bit.
Well, what do you want? We got to make the audience madder.
Now, after the knee drops, bite his forehead for about 20 or 30 seconds.
And instead of the backbreaker, let's give them a little surprise.
Try the claw.
Well, why not? Nobody big is using it right now.
You might as well.
Let me see the knee drops again.
All right.
More expression.
Louder.
All right, give him the head bit now.
Attaboy! Now you got it, sweetheart.
That's it.
Give it to him.
That's the way to do it.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Beautiful.
PROMOTER: Okay, okay, that's good I don't think so.
Sorry, it's the only way.
What could be so bad you got to leave town? It's a personal matter.
Listen, if you're worried about the job, it's in the bag.
The wrestling commissioner himself has promised to find you something.
Buster, that's not it.
I appreciate it, but that's not it.
Hey, what are friends for? Is there anything else I can do to help? Well, yes, there is.
I'll tell you, Buster, if you could just loan me enough money to get out of town, I swear, as soon as I can, I'll pay you back.
Sure.
I'm kind of strapped right now.
Everything's tied up in my corporation.
I can't touch any money unless my accountant co-signs.
But if you can wait till the matches tonight, I get paid for some endorsements.
I'll give you some then, okay? All right.
Thank you.
Now you say that this man was attacked before the Hulk appeared? That reward, how much is it? That's $10,000, but that's for information leading to the capture of the creature.
Well, I got information.
Well, good.
But you say, if you don't catch him, I don't get paid? That's the deal.
That don't hardly seem fair.
How about you pay me 5,000 now, five more thousand if you catch him? That's not the way it works.
How about 3,000 now? How about we say goodbye? Now, now, now, just a minute.
You can't blame a fellow for trying.
A hundred? Twenty.
Now don't insult me.
Seventy-five? Call it 30? Fifty.
And I'll only ask for All right, you got a deal.
This man, had you ever seen him before? Yeah, he was at the midget lady's party.
I'm not in the mood to horse around here.
No horse.
She's at work or you could see for yourself.
I saw your man going into her party with that midget wrestler.
Midget wrestler? Yeah, Half Nelson, that's his name.
Half Nelson? Hope to die, they looked real chummy.
Okay, all right.
I don't know why I feel I'm being had here.
You don't believe me, fella, go to the matches, talk to Half Nelson.
Yeah.
Yeah, I intend to.
Don't forget the 9,000.
I'd like to be in Florida this winter.
Me, too.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Have a good one, Harvey.
Trick or treat.
(SIGHS) You look nice, Buster.
Real nice.
Hi, Mitzi.
Hi.
How do you manage to get such big muscles, huh? I work out regularly.
Ah.
Can I, uh, feel it? Sure.
Ooh! Ooh! It's like a rock.
Mitzi! Gregor, please.
I don't trust her.
We got an interview to do on camera.
Not till I find her.
Hey, wait! You seen Mitzi? No.
You better be telling the truth, you understand? Gregor, we're late.
All right, all right.
(MITZI GIGGLES) What is it? Oh, you're really something, Buster.
You kill me.
What do you mean? Oh, come on.
My little Romeo, you think people buy all that jive of yours? Jive? "Jive?" Yeah, you know, your bragging and stuff, huh? Hey, come on, Buster, lighten up.
Listen, I was just kidding.
You know, I mean, I was just kidding around.
I'm sorry.
You look so cute.
Just like a little kid.
I'm not a little kid! Can't you see that? What's the matter with you? Buster, why don't you just take it easy, huh? I'm almost 30 years old.
You dumb doxy! What do you think you're doing? You got no right to call me that.
I sure as hell do, I'm a man.
Well, maybe if you started acting like a man, people would start treating you like one! Shrimp! (HUFFS) You! Where have you been? I'm not your property.
Let go! Where have you been? None of your business! Gregor, the interview, please! Where you been? Oh, you wanna know? Okay, I was with Buster, in his dressing room.
Now, do you think you have enough brains to figure out the rest? Out of my way! Out! Gregor, we got to go! I'm gonna get that midget and his lying friend.
Fine, fine, you do that after the interview.
I'm gonna tear them apart! That's good anger.
Keep that in.
That's good.
MAN: That's the bout before the midgets.
He's probably still in his dressing room.
Let's get him.
Buster? Buster? Is something the matter? The truth.
What? The truth.
That's what's the matter.
It just kicked me right in the head.
People aren't always what they seem to be, David.
Not even to themselves.
Especially to themselves.
Suddenly, I feel like a real fool.
A grown man, earning a living like this.
Oh, you really hit home the other day, when you asked me about not becoming a doctor.
Sure, I regret it.
But I was too scared.
Too scared nobody would take me seriously.
Is it too late, Buster? Oh, yeah.
I've been doing this too long.
I'm just a clown.
Even my name.
It isn't Buster.
Buster's a clown name.
My name is Steven! Steven Caldwell.
Maybe you're being a little too hard on yourself, huh? Hard on myself? (SCOFFS) You'll sing a different song when you hear the truth.
You see, I have a tendency to make things up, a lot of things.
I sort of suspected that, yeah.
But you don't understand, David.
I have no way of getting you a job.
I don't even know the wrestling commissioner.
Oh, boy.
And that business about endorsements? I don't get paid for any endorsements.
Nobody wants them from me.
When you grow up in a world where everyone's bigger than you, especially women, you try real hard to be something.
And when it doesn't work, sometimes it feels better just to pretend.
Buster, a lot of people want to be something they're not.
A lot of people pretend.
Not just little people.
Maybe.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I'm not angry with you.
As a matter of fact, I'm very grateful.
You fed me, put me up.
I have no complaints.
I guess you did luck out.
I could have really messed you up.
Yeah, I suppose.
Buster, two men attacked me.
Now, is it possible they did that because you might have said something to someone? You know, you might have made something up? Oh, no! They think you're here to fence stolen money, mob money.
We've got to go to the police right now.
These guys don't fool around! No, Buster, listen.
No, I just have to get out of town, that's all.
You need money.
Yeah, I do.
I get paid after I wrestle tonight.
I'll give you some cash.
Please, Buster.
You need money.
Just stay put right here, I'll be back in a few minutes.
Buster Oh, God.
Excuse me, could you tell me which one of these is Buster Caldwell's dressing room? Thanks.
Uh Excuse me, I was told that this was Buster Caldwell's dressing room.
Well, he ain't here! Get out! Okay, fine, you got any idea where I could find him? Yeah, he's in the ring, which is on the other side of that door! Uh-huh, okay.
One more thing.
Buster's got a friend, average height, medium weight, sort of dark brown hair.
Would you know him? No! Take a hike! Buster, you've had it! Come on, where's he at? He's in the ring, on the other side of that door! Hey, Dreadnaught, have you seen Buster's friend? Boy, he's in for it, too.
Wait a minute, I thought you didn't know Buster's friend.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're not the Dreadnaught.
Unless the Dreadnaught's lost 50 pounds.
Who do we have here? MAN: All right, Buster! (BELL RINGING) Winning in four minutes and three seconds, with the airplane spin and body press, Buster "Half Nelson" Caldwell.
Buster, run! You want to make this public? That's okay by me.
You're next, Buster.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Be careful, please.
Don't do that! (WHISTLES) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not sure what's going on here.
This is not, I repeat, not the scheduled bout of Baron Anton von Berg versus Charles Hyman.
We're trying to get some clarification.
He could be very dangerous.
(AUDIENCE BOOING) Don't! No, be careful with him.
Listen to me! Listen to me! Please, I've got to warn Buster.
You don't know what you're doing.
Sure, I do.
Watch.
(GROANING) People got no morals these days.
Well, I'll show you.
No, don't Don't do that, he's dangerous.
Please, stop this.
(AUDIENCE BOOING) No! This is the man who becomes the Hulk! Please, please, please.
What is this? A tag-team match? You just keep away.
You don't know what you're risking.
Now, come on, just break them up, will you? Let's see who we got here.
I hate to have made a mistake.
GREGOR: Now let's see that kisser.
MAN: Break it up, ref! (ROARING) (ROARS) (ROARS) (EXCLAIMING) I made the whole thing up.
The whole thing.
Believe me.
Hey, look, you start talking, or I make midget flambé.
I hardly knew those guys.
They'd have never told me about ripping off the mob.
Honest.
I count to three.
One.
I don't know anything! Two.
I don't know anything! Three.
(ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) What are you? Are you a wrestler? McGEE: This way.
Over here.
Hurry, hurry! This way! (GUN FIRES) No! BUSTER: Sorry it's just me sending you off.
Marsha had to work, but she sends her best.
Say goodbye for me, will you? Sure.
I'll be seeing her tonight.
Things change, you know.
I'm getting out of wrestling.
Oh? Yeah, I thought I'd give college another chance.
I doubt if I'll end up in medical school.
But whatever I do, it'll be more real.
You sure there's nothing I can do for you, David? There is one thing.
There's a reporter, his name is McGee.
He may try to get in touch with you.
He already has.
But don't worry.
I don't like reporters.
They used to say my technique was no good.
I'm sure not gonna start talking to them now.
You told me a lot of people like to be something they're not.
If you're one of them, David, you can believe I'll understand.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Size means nothing.
The midget's wrestling tomorrow night.
We pick him up then, we pick his friend up, too.
They think you fenced stolen money.
(ROARS) Let my wife go! What do we tell the rental agency? You look nice, Buster.
I'm gonna get that midget and his lying friend.
Don't do that, he's dangerous.
NARRATOR: Dr.
David Banner, physician, scientist.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have.
Then, an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.
And now, when David Banner grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
(ROARS) The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Mr.
McGee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.
David Banner is believed to be dead.
And he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
(ROARS) (MEN CLAMORING) VICTIM: Hey, watch it! Watch it! Let me down! Let me down! Hey, watch it! Let me down! THUG: Oh, look out, he's getting mean.
He's getting real mean.
VICTIM: Come on, come on! When I finish, you're going to be in a hospital! You guys are going to be sorry you messed with me! We got company.
VICTIM: You watch, you've had it! Had it! You got lousy timing.
VICTIM: I'm done warning you! You had your chance! You looking to get involved? VICTIM: You blew it! VICTIM: You're gonna pay! Yeah, okay, let's have the wallet.
VICTIM: You're going to be in a world of hurt! The wallet! VICTIM: You're going to be sorry! Slow.
VICTIM: You're gonna be in a world of hurt! This ain't much.
That's all I've got.
Give me the bag.
Man, this guy's poor.
Jimmy, come on.
Are you all right? Who asked you to come along and louse things up? I'm sorry, I thought you needed some help.
Me, help? What makes you think that? Well I'm commando-trained.
Size means nothing.
Nothing.
I was just letting those punks think they had me.
Another five seconds, I'd have taken them apart.
Uh-huh.
Then you had to come along.
After that, I couldn't do anything.
You might have got hurt.
Well, thank you very much for your concern.
Listen, pal, I can take care of myself.
Yes, I can see that.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have got mad.
Not at you, anyway.
I'm Buster.
Buster Caldwell.
David Benley.
Don't worry about your money, David.
The Police Commissioner's a personal friend of mine.
We'll have those punks caught by the end of the day.
Look, I would rather not be involved with the police, okay? Oh, so that's how it is.
Yeah.
You don't have to worry about that either.
I understand.
I've been around the block.
You need to cop a couple bucks? No.
No, thank you.
Anything? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I could use a job, if you know of one.
Are you kidding? I know a lot of important people in this town.
We'll get you a job, and a good one.
You got a place to stay? Well, no, I don't.
Well, come on, you can stay with me.
No, thank you, Buster, but I couldn't do that.
Why not? Where you gonna stay for no money? Come on, just stay with me until you get settled.
I got to go to work later.
You come along, you'll get a kick out of it.
Looks like those punks really threw you.
The city can be an ugly place, David.
You got to know how to handle yourself.
I'll show you a few things.
Pressure points, kicks.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) MAN 1: Come on, you little punk, give it to him.
MAN 2: Come on, killer, you can take him! Get him now, killer! (AUDIENCE BOOING) Okay, I see you.
Break it.
One, two.
One, two, three! (BELL RINGING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Winning in three minutes and 14 seconds with a piledriver, Buster "Half Nelson" Caldwell.
What'd you think of the match? Oh, it was very interesting.
Interesting? Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'd have to say it was very entertaining.
Entertaining? Mmm-hmm.
Don't you mean impressive? Did you see that piledriver? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Want something to drink? No.
No, thanks.
One cola.
Don't tell me you're one of those cynical types? Well Put that on my tab.
Buster, I'm going to have to say Well, I admit that not everything seemed quite real.
Not quite real? Yeah.
Like what? Like when the guy jumped on your neck, you managed to get right up.
Come on.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) If it's injuries you're looking for, I've sustained a broken elbow, a hernia, a dislocated shoulder, more broken fingers than you can count on two hands.
The fans alone kill you.
One threw acid at Gregor Potemkin.
You're gonna say that that's not quite real? Well, maybe I guess I just don't understand the sport of it.
Hey, Buster.
What's the matter, don't you say hello anymore? Hi, Mitzi.
Hi.
Where's my little gentleman? (GIGGLES) If only Gregor had your manners.
Where is he? I'll teach him some.
Listen, Buster, I hear you know those guys.
You know, the wrestlers, the ones who ripped off the mob.
Know them? We're like this.
I taught them everything they know.
Well, people say they got away with a bundle, you know.
Ripped off a high-stakes game.
Now, are you gonna remember Mitzi if you get a cut, huh? That old mink of mine, why, it barely keeps my shoulders warm.
BUSTER: Well, you just tell your shoulders not to worry, baby.
MITZl: All right.
For that, you get a real kiss.
Hey, what is this? I can't turn my back on you.
Sorry, Gregor, seems she needs a real man.
Buster, I catch you two like that again, and you're gonna get stepped on.
And that's a fact.
Come on.
MITZl: Oh, get out of here! Oh! You! And I'll step on you, too.
We had a thing once.
Poor kid.
It didn't work.
Broke her heart.
(DOOR CLOSING) There's one thing I was a little concerned about tonight.
Von Kleiner's got this choke hold that puts people in the hospital.
One even in a coma.
Buster.
Hi, Marsha.
Hi, Buster.
Hello.
Did you get my invitation? Yeah, I got it.
Oh, well, I didn't hear from you.
The party's tomorrow afternoon.
Are you coming? I don't think so, Marsha.
I've got a friend staying with me.
Marsha, this is David.
Hi.
Hi, again.
Well, you can come to my party.
Maybe he doesn't want to come.
Do you want to come to a party? Um, whatever you wanna do, Buster, is fine with me.
A lot of people would like to see you.
Okay, we'll be there.
Would you like a ride home? Yeah.
Is that the guy who knows where the money is? Yeah, that's him, the little guy.
Come on, let's go get something to eat.
What about the guy with him? New face.
Come on, I'm hungry.
Hey, maybe he's in on it.
Maybe we have to squeeze him, too.
You ought to eat more, David.
It's important to eat a big breakfast.
To tell the truth, I get a little uncomfortable you're paying for everything.
You'll be able to pay me back, when you start the new job.
Yeah, about that job, Buster.
It's in the works.
I just want to make sure it's worthy of you.
Yeah, well, I'd do anything, you know.
Well, I wouldn't.
You're no day-laborer.
I saw that right away.
Oh, I've done more day-labor than you'd imagine, Buster.
Come on, you're a college man.
I can tell.
I went to college.
Good student.
And being small never got in my way.
I thought I'd go into medicine.
How'd you get into wrestling? It was nothing.
Just luck.
One night I went to the wrestling matches with my friends, it got to me.
The sport, the drama, the action.
Next day, I went and talked to a trainer.
He told me I had an ideal center of gravity.
Right there, a star was born.
Right now, I'm the champ of my division.
I'll bet you didn't know that.
No, I didn't.
Hey, I hope you've changed your mind about wrestling, David.
I was just thinking what kind of a doctor you might have been.
Any regrets? Why should there be? I've done what I wanted.
I've always done what I wanted.
I'm happy.
Can you say the same for yourself? (GRUNTS) Hey, how'd we get on this subject? Let's go get a paper and see what kind of write-up I got.
Ah.
You finish eating.
I'll get the paper, okay? Hey, Buster.
I sure liked the matches last night.
Thanks for the tickets.
You want some more coffee? You know me, Pete.
One cup is my limit.
The caffeine throws my timing off.
Oh, yeah.
Say, I hear you know those guys that ripped off the mob.
I might.
Come on, Buster, I know you for a long time.
You can tell me.
You see my friend over there? PETE: Yeah? He's from the coast.
Guess what he does for a living.
How should I know? He fences money.
Get it? There you go.
(INAUDIBLE) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Terrific.
Someone to change the light bulbs.
Who invited him? Excuse me.
You know, Buster, maybe it wasn't such a good idea, my coming here.
Don't let them make you uncomfortable.
No, it's just that I think I'm making them feel uncomfortable.
Forget it.
If you go, I go, too.
Hi! Buster, David.
Gee, I'm happy you could make it.
Thank you.
You're the only one that is.
Don't you have any normal friends? What do you mean? My friends are normal.
Sure they are.
They all just happen to be under 5 feet.
Well, most of my friends are little people.
We might be small, Marsha, but we don't have to live in a sideshow.
I'm gonna go have a drink.
Would you like one? No.
No, thank you.
I keep trying, but nothing seems to work.
Well, Buster certainly is a lucky man.
I think he's gonna recognize that sooner or later.
No.
Buster looks at me and he sees something that he doesn't like.
Something that can't be changed.
He's in for a rough time.
Well, I think it's very healthy the way he feels about being small.
It certainly doesn't get in his way.
You're wrong.
It gets in his way so much, he can't even admit it, and that's not healthy.
Like it or not, things are different for little people.
Drinking fountains, pay phones, elevators, and that's just the beginning.
Buster wanted to become a doctor.
And he could have, too.
But wrestling? That's not healthy either, David.
That's just a waste.
You know Chinese food doesn't sit well with me, it never has.
Yeah, well, we ate Italian yesterday.
And the day before.
I'm sick of it.
Besides, we ain't gonna eat anything till they come out of there.
And we find the money.
Marsha, we're out of ice and the drinkers are getting restless.
I'll run down to the liquor store.
Oh, no, look, I'll go.
That way you won't have to leave your guests.
Oh, that's sweet.
Are you sure? Oh, I'm positive.
Be right back.
Thank you.
Mmm-hmm.
He's cute.
Too bad he's not a foot shorter.
Hey, look, there's a little pizza shop around the corner.
I'll go get takeout and you stay here, okay? How come you're always thinking about food? I get hungry.
Well, stay that way.
One thing I learned in the army, never fight on a full stomach.
There's the guy who's gonna fence the money.
Let's take him.
DAVID: Hey! What is this? Wait a minute! Hey, come on! The syndicate wants its money.
What money? Don't waste our time! I don't know what you're talking about.
"I don't know what you're talking about.
" (GRUNTS) It's no use, pal.
If you still want your kneecaps by tomorrow morning, you better start talking.
I'm gonna count to three.
I don't One, two, three.
(CAR HORN HONKS) MAN: What, are you crazy or something? (CAR HORN HONKS) MAN: Hey, man, look out! Miss, miss, help me! Miss, help me! Please, no! Help me, please! WOMAN: Go away! Leave me alone! No! No, don't lock it! Please! Please! Unlock the door! Help me, please! Please, open the door! Please! (GROANS) What did you let him go for? I couldn't help it.
Let's see if he can still talk.
(ROARS) (GRUNTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Let my wife go! Put her down! That's my wife, you hear me? WOMAN: Jack, help me! JACK: All right, you asked for it.
Let my wife go! Whatever you are, let her go! What is that? JACK: Don't worry, honey.
Buzz off, you! Go on, beat it! Jack, you were wonderful.
What a day.
Can we eat now? No, we can't eat now.
What do we tell the rental agency? That green thing, who's gonna believe it? Not the people we work for.
The only green they want to hear about is their money.
And they want to hear something soon.
We got to get that little guy to talk.
All right.
All right.
The midget's wrestling tomorrow night.
We pick him up then, we pick his friend up, too.
Yeah, his friend.
I'd like to get my hands on him again.
(WRESTLERS GRUNTING) First I soften him up with a bunch of knee drops to the neck, say, 30 or 40.
Then I pick him up, and I get him in my backbreaker.
What do you think? That's not dramatic enough.
I mean, we got chemistry here.
We can milk you guys into a series.
Grudge matches, Texas Death matches, chicken wire, the whole bit.
Well, what do you want? We got to make the audience madder.
Now, after the knee drops, bite his forehead for about 20 or 30 seconds.
And instead of the backbreaker, let's give them a little surprise.
Try the claw.
Well, why not? Nobody big is using it right now.
You might as well.
Let me see the knee drops again.
All right.
More expression.
Louder.
All right, give him the head bit now.
Attaboy! Now you got it, sweetheart.
That's it.
Give it to him.
That's the way to do it.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Beautiful.
PROMOTER: Okay, okay, that's good I don't think so.
Sorry, it's the only way.
What could be so bad you got to leave town? It's a personal matter.
Listen, if you're worried about the job, it's in the bag.
The wrestling commissioner himself has promised to find you something.
Buster, that's not it.
I appreciate it, but that's not it.
Hey, what are friends for? Is there anything else I can do to help? Well, yes, there is.
I'll tell you, Buster, if you could just loan me enough money to get out of town, I swear, as soon as I can, I'll pay you back.
Sure.
I'm kind of strapped right now.
Everything's tied up in my corporation.
I can't touch any money unless my accountant co-signs.
But if you can wait till the matches tonight, I get paid for some endorsements.
I'll give you some then, okay? All right.
Thank you.
Now you say that this man was attacked before the Hulk appeared? That reward, how much is it? That's $10,000, but that's for information leading to the capture of the creature.
Well, I got information.
Well, good.
But you say, if you don't catch him, I don't get paid? That's the deal.
That don't hardly seem fair.
How about you pay me 5,000 now, five more thousand if you catch him? That's not the way it works.
How about 3,000 now? How about we say goodbye? Now, now, now, just a minute.
You can't blame a fellow for trying.
A hundred? Twenty.
Now don't insult me.
Seventy-five? Call it 30? Fifty.
And I'll only ask for All right, you got a deal.
This man, had you ever seen him before? Yeah, he was at the midget lady's party.
I'm not in the mood to horse around here.
No horse.
She's at work or you could see for yourself.
I saw your man going into her party with that midget wrestler.
Midget wrestler? Yeah, Half Nelson, that's his name.
Half Nelson? Hope to die, they looked real chummy.
Okay, all right.
I don't know why I feel I'm being had here.
You don't believe me, fella, go to the matches, talk to Half Nelson.
Yeah.
Yeah, I intend to.
Don't forget the 9,000.
I'd like to be in Florida this winter.
Me, too.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Have a good one, Harvey.
Trick or treat.
(SIGHS) You look nice, Buster.
Real nice.
Hi, Mitzi.
Hi.
How do you manage to get such big muscles, huh? I work out regularly.
Ah.
Can I, uh, feel it? Sure.
Ooh! Ooh! It's like a rock.
Mitzi! Gregor, please.
I don't trust her.
We got an interview to do on camera.
Not till I find her.
Hey, wait! You seen Mitzi? No.
You better be telling the truth, you understand? Gregor, we're late.
All right, all right.
(MITZI GIGGLES) What is it? Oh, you're really something, Buster.
You kill me.
What do you mean? Oh, come on.
My little Romeo, you think people buy all that jive of yours? Jive? "Jive?" Yeah, you know, your bragging and stuff, huh? Hey, come on, Buster, lighten up.
Listen, I was just kidding.
You know, I mean, I was just kidding around.
I'm sorry.
You look so cute.
Just like a little kid.
I'm not a little kid! Can't you see that? What's the matter with you? Buster, why don't you just take it easy, huh? I'm almost 30 years old.
You dumb doxy! What do you think you're doing? You got no right to call me that.
I sure as hell do, I'm a man.
Well, maybe if you started acting like a man, people would start treating you like one! Shrimp! (HUFFS) You! Where have you been? I'm not your property.
Let go! Where have you been? None of your business! Gregor, the interview, please! Where you been? Oh, you wanna know? Okay, I was with Buster, in his dressing room.
Now, do you think you have enough brains to figure out the rest? Out of my way! Out! Gregor, we got to go! I'm gonna get that midget and his lying friend.
Fine, fine, you do that after the interview.
I'm gonna tear them apart! That's good anger.
Keep that in.
That's good.
MAN: That's the bout before the midgets.
He's probably still in his dressing room.
Let's get him.
Buster? Buster? Is something the matter? The truth.
What? The truth.
That's what's the matter.
It just kicked me right in the head.
People aren't always what they seem to be, David.
Not even to themselves.
Especially to themselves.
Suddenly, I feel like a real fool.
A grown man, earning a living like this.
Oh, you really hit home the other day, when you asked me about not becoming a doctor.
Sure, I regret it.
But I was too scared.
Too scared nobody would take me seriously.
Is it too late, Buster? Oh, yeah.
I've been doing this too long.
I'm just a clown.
Even my name.
It isn't Buster.
Buster's a clown name.
My name is Steven! Steven Caldwell.
Maybe you're being a little too hard on yourself, huh? Hard on myself? (SCOFFS) You'll sing a different song when you hear the truth.
You see, I have a tendency to make things up, a lot of things.
I sort of suspected that, yeah.
But you don't understand, David.
I have no way of getting you a job.
I don't even know the wrestling commissioner.
Oh, boy.
And that business about endorsements? I don't get paid for any endorsements.
Nobody wants them from me.
When you grow up in a world where everyone's bigger than you, especially women, you try real hard to be something.
And when it doesn't work, sometimes it feels better just to pretend.
Buster, a lot of people want to be something they're not.
A lot of people pretend.
Not just little people.
Maybe.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I'm not angry with you.
As a matter of fact, I'm very grateful.
You fed me, put me up.
I have no complaints.
I guess you did luck out.
I could have really messed you up.
Yeah, I suppose.
Buster, two men attacked me.
Now, is it possible they did that because you might have said something to someone? You know, you might have made something up? Oh, no! They think you're here to fence stolen money, mob money.
We've got to go to the police right now.
These guys don't fool around! No, Buster, listen.
No, I just have to get out of town, that's all.
You need money.
Yeah, I do.
I get paid after I wrestle tonight.
I'll give you some cash.
Please, Buster.
You need money.
Just stay put right here, I'll be back in a few minutes.
Buster Oh, God.
Excuse me, could you tell me which one of these is Buster Caldwell's dressing room? Thanks.
Uh Excuse me, I was told that this was Buster Caldwell's dressing room.
Well, he ain't here! Get out! Okay, fine, you got any idea where I could find him? Yeah, he's in the ring, which is on the other side of that door! Uh-huh, okay.
One more thing.
Buster's got a friend, average height, medium weight, sort of dark brown hair.
Would you know him? No! Take a hike! Buster, you've had it! Come on, where's he at? He's in the ring, on the other side of that door! Hey, Dreadnaught, have you seen Buster's friend? Boy, he's in for it, too.
Wait a minute, I thought you didn't know Buster's friend.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're not the Dreadnaught.
Unless the Dreadnaught's lost 50 pounds.
Who do we have here? MAN: All right, Buster! (BELL RINGING) Winning in four minutes and three seconds, with the airplane spin and body press, Buster "Half Nelson" Caldwell.
Buster, run! You want to make this public? That's okay by me.
You're next, Buster.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Be careful, please.
Don't do that! (WHISTLES) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not sure what's going on here.
This is not, I repeat, not the scheduled bout of Baron Anton von Berg versus Charles Hyman.
We're trying to get some clarification.
He could be very dangerous.
(AUDIENCE BOOING) Don't! No, be careful with him.
Listen to me! Listen to me! Please, I've got to warn Buster.
You don't know what you're doing.
Sure, I do.
Watch.
(GROANING) People got no morals these days.
Well, I'll show you.
No, don't Don't do that, he's dangerous.
Please, stop this.
(AUDIENCE BOOING) No! This is the man who becomes the Hulk! Please, please, please.
What is this? A tag-team match? You just keep away.
You don't know what you're risking.
Now, come on, just break them up, will you? Let's see who we got here.
I hate to have made a mistake.
GREGOR: Now let's see that kisser.
MAN: Break it up, ref! (ROARING) (ROARS) (ROARS) (EXCLAIMING) I made the whole thing up.
The whole thing.
Believe me.
Hey, look, you start talking, or I make midget flambé.
I hardly knew those guys.
They'd have never told me about ripping off the mob.
Honest.
I count to three.
One.
I don't know anything! Two.
I don't know anything! Three.
(ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) What are you? Are you a wrestler? McGEE: This way.
Over here.
Hurry, hurry! This way! (GUN FIRES) No! BUSTER: Sorry it's just me sending you off.
Marsha had to work, but she sends her best.
Say goodbye for me, will you? Sure.
I'll be seeing her tonight.
Things change, you know.
I'm getting out of wrestling.
Oh? Yeah, I thought I'd give college another chance.
I doubt if I'll end up in medical school.
But whatever I do, it'll be more real.
You sure there's nothing I can do for you, David? There is one thing.
There's a reporter, his name is McGee.
He may try to get in touch with you.
He already has.
But don't worry.
I don't like reporters.
They used to say my technique was no good.
I'm sure not gonna start talking to them now.
You told me a lot of people like to be something they're not.
If you're one of them, David, you can believe I'll understand.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Goodbye.
Bye.