The Neighborhood (2018) s04e16 Episode Script

1 Ooh, that can't be Lorenzo and Claire.
They're never early.
Maybe they smelled your cooking.
No, it's just the freeloaders that smelled it.
I'm sorry, I didn't know freeloaders paid rent.
Yeah, I still say we pay too much rent.
Look at this place.
All right, now, where's that pot roast I smell? - Yeah.
- Whoa, not so fast.
That food is for company.
Not for people who we love and care about.
Get out.
- What? Wh - Oh Don't worry.
Mommy made you boys some extra.
Now get out.
Oh, I get it.
Y'all get a kitchen island and suddenly you're too good for us.
Suddenly? We were too good for y'all when we got the George Foreman Grill.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my G I love the renovations, you guys.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, who was your contractor? An earthquake.
And just like most contractors, she showed up whenever she felt like it.
Uh, hey, guys, that was Gemma.
She's stuck at work, so it looks like you're with just Dave tonight.
Solo Dave.
Dave after dark.
Maybe we'll just keep the lights on.
Hey, so Calvin said you guys used to live in the neighborhood.
Why did you leave? 'Cause the white people started moving in.
- He's joking.
- Yeah.
We moved to D.
C.
for a few years for Lorenzo's job.
Yeah, and when they moved back, they moved to the Westside.
Leaving us behind.
I could never leave you behind, C.
Come on.
Even though my best man tried to outshine me at my own wedding.
Hey, don't be mad because I showed up suited and booted.
You went with the basic black, I showed up with the purple tux with the Now & Later gators, man.
Well, I am so glad you guys are back.
So here's to picking up where we left off.
Yeah.
I love you, babe.
And I love you, too, baby, just as much as I did back then.
Aww.
- Mwah.
- Man, this makes me want to marry Gemma all over again just so you could be my best man.
Remind me not to save the date.
Looks like I need a refill.
Oh, yeah.
You know where it is.
Right back there.
Mm.
All right, so now that he is gone, we need to plan our couples trip.
And Dave, you and Gemma should come this time.
Oh, well, what are we thinking? Aloha or buenos días? We'll be lucky if it's "welcome to Orange County.
" Yeah, Lorenzo never wants to go anywhere anymore.
Neither does Calvin unless it's on Groupon.
Tina, you sleeping on Groupon.
Literally.
Those sheets? $25.
Plus, 30% off on teeth whitening.
Yeah, looks like I need a refill, also.
- All right.
- Yeah, me, too.
I'm single tonight, so I'm gonna turn up.
As soon as I can get away, it'll just be you, me and those beautiful toes of yours.
Bring the whipped cream.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh How long you guys been standing there? Long enough to know that you into some freaky stuff.
Whoa.
What an incredible time for me to lose my hearing.
What is going on, Zo? I know you not out here creeping on Claire.
Y'all were just all lovey-dovey on the couch.
I got a lot of love in my heart, C.
Some of it is for Claire and some of it's for this 23-year-old, beautiful dental assistant I met at Costco.
You know what? We always said we'd keep it real with each other.
Well, is this little side piece worth blowing up your marriage? I love Claire.
But what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
And you got my back, right? Remember The Man Code.
The Man Code? Don't come at me with that.
Look, I'm not down with your bull, but I'm not a snitch, either.
What about your boy? Oh, he over there telling Claire right now.
- Oh, my God - Look, look, look.
Look, I'm just messing with you, but this a dangerous game you playing.
Okay.
Stop.
Stop! Oh, my gosh, you are so funny! I said stop! Oh, okay, okay, I'll talk to you later.
Hey, hon.
Hey, who, uh, who's the comedian? Jameson, the school's soccer coach.
I've been helping him with scheduling.
Oh.
He really had you laughing, huh? Yeah, I told him he should do stand-up.
Stand-up? I don't think you ever said that to me.
Yeah, well, there's stand-up funny and then there's "sitting around the house" funny.
Oh, it's Jameson again.
I'm laughing already.
Hey, Jameson.
Oh, my gosh, please stop! Did she just snort? Tonight was fun.
Yeah, nothing like old friends, right? Eh, there was just something different about Lorenzo.
Really? He seemed like the same old loud Lorenzo to me.
No, I mean, every time he went into the kitchen to freshen up his drink, he came back with an empty glass.
Maybe the man was thirsty.
You know, Calvin, I don't mean to talk about your boy, but I think he may have a drinking problem.
Oh.
You know, maybe you're on to something with that.
Uh, we'll plan his intervention in the morning.
Good night.
Okay.
What's going on, Calvin? Well, the lights.
Even though I just turned them off.
You ain't fooling nobody, Calvin Butler.
You know something.
Not at 11:59 at night, I don't.
Okay? What's going on with Lorenzo? Babe, these are next-day questions, okay? All right.
It's midnight, so technically, it is the next day.
Spill it! Okay.
What I'm about to tell you got to be kept a secret.
Okay, but why are you whispering? I don't know.
Lorenzo's having an affair.
What? Yes.
Oh, my God, I can't believe that jackass.
Claire is gonna be devastated when she finds out.
No, she's not.
Because she's not gonna find out.
At least not from us.
Calvin.
Tina.
Look, now, I'm not gonna say nothing and neither are you.
Men, we live by The Man Code.
Look, if I know you know something, then I could tell you.
But if I don't know that you know, then I can't tell you, you know? Oh, I know.
And that nonsense should have expired when you turned 25.
The Man Code is stupid.
Well, if that isn't gender bias, I don't know what is, Tina.
Calvin, Claire and I go way back, just like you and Lorenzo.
And I will be calling her in the morning.
Tina.
You can't tell Claire that Lorenzo is cheating on her, 'cause you'd be breaking The Marriage Code.
The Marriage Code? Yes.
It's sacred.
Secrets between a husband and wife have to stay a secret.
It's in the Bible.
It's Leviticus 3:6 Mafia, or something.
Yeah, but that does not outweigh Exodus 20:14 "Do not screw around on your wife.
" All right, all I'm saying is that we should stay out of other people's relationships.
Agreed, but I live by The Sister Code.
And if Claire asks me directly if I know what's going on, then I have to tell her.
Oh, my God, it's Claire.
What am I gonna do? All right, now, you can't tell her.
I been knowing Lorenzo since I was in junior high school.
Give me a chance to talk to him, let him see if he can make this right.
But what if she already knows? I got to pick up.
Hello? Oh, a-are you okay? Oh, your car broke down.
Ugh, that's great.
I mean, not-not great.
I mean, considering the news it could've been, yeah, yeah.
O-Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah, have it towed to the shop.
And-and Calvin will be happy to fix it in the mistress.
I mean, the morning.
In the morning.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at my baby holding up The Marriage Code.
- Come on, now.
- Oh, yeah, it wasn't easy.
You lucky you cute.
- I'm cute, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Am I cute enough for you to come on over here? Good night, Calvin.
Y-You asleep already? Hey, honey.
I'm taking a kickboxing class.
- I'll be back in an hour.
- Okey dokey, hot and smoky.
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
Oh, hey, Gem, you forgot your phone.
Oh.
Text from Jameson.
"Are we still on for 6:00? "Make sure to bring that peach emoji.
Winky-face emoji, don't tell my wife.
" "Don't tell my wife"? This guy isn't funny at all.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Only one way to find out.
Nope.
What, did she change her password? Let me try her face.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Ooh, don't lock, don't lock.
Ooh, you locked.
Darn it.
Oh, hey, Grover, want to play Candy Crush on Mom's phone? - Here you go.
- What? I-It's locked.
What did you do? Nothing.
You just handed it to me.
What did you do? Hey, baby.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing here? Well, I am taking you out on a date.
You know, I've been thinking about Claire and Lorenzo for the past few days, and it made me realize how good we have it.
- Yeah, we do have it good, don't we? - Mm-hmm.
Thou shall appreciate thy hot wife.
That's right.
So what's wrong with the cheater's car? A pair of panties in the tailpipe? You know, baby, I hate being put in this position by a two-timing, - no good, low - renzo and Claire! - Hey, Calvin.
- Hey.
Well, your car is fixed and ready to go, you guys.
Oh, Tina, I'm so happy you're here.
There's something I wanted to ask you.
W-Why do you need to ask her? You can ask me anything that you need.
Because it's a question for Tina, 'cause I know she'll be honest with me.
Okay, so, this has been bothering me since we hung out the other night.
Oh, thank God.
You and me both.
I knew it.
My pound cake was so dry, huh? - Ugh.
- Oh, no.
- I think it needed more eggs.
- No, no, no.
Actually, Claire, your pound cake was great.
And so are you.
Lorenzo's lucky to have you.
Thank you, Tina.
So, what was bothering you? Ooh! Bae, Bae.
Baby.
Tina and Calvin are so busy.
We should probably just get out of here, baby.
Okay, but stop rushing me.
I want to talk to our friends.
- Okay, but we - So, Calvin, Calvin.
So I heard you guys had fun at the game.
The game? Yeah, yeah.
Stop playing, C.
The Lakers game last night.
The Lakers game.
- Ha! - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the game was, uh, uh, it was a crazy game.
You know what I'm saying? I drank a lot of them $20 beers, though, so, you know me, you know, I got the all night.
I ended up winning some money.
I won a lot of money last night.
And g-guess I got lucky.
That's me.
Lucky, lucky Calvin.
Calvin, can you help me find Lorenzo's keys in the office, please? Looks like my luck just ran out.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Hey.
I need some help unlocking Gemma's phone, and quickly, before she gets home.
Uh, Dave, before we break into your wife's phone, shouldn't you explain why we breaking into your wife's phone? Sure.
She has been spending a lot of time with the school's soccer coach.
She thinks this guy is hilarious, but obviously he's no me.
I mean, I'm the funniest guy that you two know, right? - Uh - Um You know what? Hey, you are the funniest Dave that we know.
Yeah Uh, oh, no.
Dave Wilson.
Oh, now, he is funny, right? He should do stand-up.
- Dave Wilson - Dave Wilson is a fool, boy.
Oh, forget about Dave Wilson! Now, listen, Gemma left her phone, and I saw a text from him that said, "Bring that peach emoji," and then, "Don't tell my wife.
" What does the peach emoji even mean? Oh - Uh - So Well, uh, well, in-in the ever-evolving parlance of young folks, it is generally associated with the gluteus maximus.
"That ass," Dave.
It means "that ass.
" It means "that ass"? - Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey.
There must be some misunderstanding.
Gemma would never step out on you, man.
I know that, but if she finds out that I was snooping, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her, and then she won't trust me.
And then the next thing you know, she's hiding assets overseas and I'm picking up Grover on weekends.
Okay, don't worry, Dave.
You got the power of the U.
S.
government on your side.
This is high-tech equipment used to debug the Mars rover, but now I can finally use it for something important.
All right.
Oh! Oh Did it work? I can't believe you lied for that cheating Lorenzo.
Look, I didn't have no choice, Tina.
All right? We've always had each other's back.
What kind of man would I be if I sold out my oldest friend? The kind of man who does the right thing, even when it's hard.
Yo, everything good in here? Calvin will fill you in.
So, she knows, doesn't she? Tina's not your problem.
Claire is.
Why didn't you pick up on the Lakers thing quicker, man? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I not lie fast enough for you? It was bad enough you pulled me into your mess, but now you messing up my thing.
So, you're gonna blow up my spot? You blew up your spot.
Man, you got Claire out here looking stupid, and we both know she doesn't deserve that.
- You need to fix this.
- Fix what? Okay, now you testing my patience.
- Okay.
Look, Claire.
If you - These are not mine.
They're not mine.
- They're not mine, Tina.
- Claire, if you calm down What's going on here? Oh, what's going on? I found some hoochie's flip-flops under the front seat.
You cheating on me! What? So you have been taking other women to get pedicures? Look, Claire, I was just coming out here to tell you.
I'm sorry.
I know House of Toes is our place.
Oh! Do something, Calvin.
What do want me to do? The lady's holding a tire iron.
Baby, baby, baby! Babe, please.
- We can fix this.
- Oh, hell no.
And you will never see these feet again, cheater.
Don't do that.
No Baby! Oh! Uh That divorce is gonna cost you, but not as much as this paint job.
Luckily, I just needed to flip the breaker.
Yeah, unfortunately, this is gonna need a lot more help.
I'm never gonna recover from this.
Time to start looking into high-powered divorce attorneys.
Ooh.
H-Hey, Gemma.
Oh! Gemma.
Gemma.
Uh, the gem who's a ma.
The ma who is a gem.
Come here, my precious stone.
Oh, okay.
Uh, for some reason, my tablet said my phone is here.
Oh And why does it look like your mom's banana bread? So, I'm gonna go.
Uh, y-you two enjoy our lovely home.
And remember, checkout's at 11:00.
Uh Gemma.
Y-You are gonna laugh when you hear this story.
Dave, what's going on? Okay, look, to be honest, I saw a part of a text from Jameson, and I know it was wrong, but it made me a little jealous, so I tried to read the rest.
And? Well, and he asked you to bring "that peach emoji," which any person hip to the ever-evolving parlance of young folks knows means "that ass.
" Dave, he sends me peach emojis when he's talking about my homemade peach cobbler.
But he's not supposed to eat it because him and his wife Susan are on a diet.
Well, someone should tell Jameson what a peach emoji means.
Look, I'm sorry.
All of this is because Calvin's friend did something that just sent me into a spiral.
Well, I don't know what that's about, but you know you can talk to me about anything.
Yeah, I-I know that, and I should never have invaded your privacy.
It's just, you were laughing so much with that guy.
You even snorted one time.
You never snort with me.
There's nothing sexy about snorting.
And I want to be sexy in front of you.
You know you make me laugh harder than anybody.
- You think I could do stand-up? - Nope.
But that's only because I want you all to myself.
And don't worry about Jameson.
I could never do the whole "Chris Hemsworth-looking soccer coach" type.
Bleh.
"Bleh" is right.
Chris-Chris Hemsworth? As in, uh, Thor, God of the Thunder?