The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e16 Episode Script

-Hey.
-Hey.
Is Ritchie ready to go? Yeah,he's just upstairs getting his stuff together.
Can't believe you're letting me take him to a skateboard party.
You never let him do anything cool.
Come on,he's growing up.
He's going to try different things.
And a good parent knows when to let go.
Mom,I feel dumb.
Dumb? What are you talking about? You look just like Tony Hawk.
Are you kidding with this? What? Skateboarding is dangerous,Richard.
I don't want him to get hurt.
He's going to get hurt.
He's going to get beat up by the other skateboarders.
Well,if they do that, they're going to have to deal with his mommy.
You're killing him.
I'm protecting him.
Okay,pal,go get in the car.
for God's sake! Bye,honey.
Have a great time.
I can't breathe.
that's okay.
Ritchie,that's how you know you're safe,buddy.
Why is Richard putting a tiny baseball umpire into his car? 'Cause Ritchie's going skateboarding.
God,that brings back memories.
Mom used to dress me like that when I went to watch kids who were skateboarding.
Mom used to buy me cigarettes when she thought I was getting chunky.
Okay,anyway,where are you going? I have a lunch date.
I met someone.
What?! Already? You just broke up with Lucy.
Where did you meet her? Actually,she works at Ritchie's school.
Oh,my God.
Is she that sassy new French teacher? She's so hot.
yeah,she is hot.
Not her.
is she that mom that just got divorced? Listen,I.
.
I gotta to tell you something.
You know,I don't like to gossip,but, I heard she has the herp.
Actually,that rumor is about you.
At least people think I'm dating.
I'm seeing Andrea.
Andrea? What does she teach? She doesn't teach,she ladles.
She's the cafeteria lady.
You are not dating the cafeteria lady.
Okay,you know what,you don't know anything about her.
She is everything that Lucy isn't.
She's simple,stable,calm.
What is she,a trail horse? Look,you just stay out of it,okay? Andrea is a great girl-- woman-- lady-- cafeteria lady.
Season 4 Episode 16 I don't get it.
Andrea,the cafeteria lady? It just makes no sense.
I mean,he loves fish sticks,but still It's obviously a rebound thing.
He's still hung up on Lucy and he just needs someone to distract him.
Yeah,he would have been better off dating the lady with the herp.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Can I ask you guys a favor? Sure.
What do you need? can you get your giant faces away from the window? You're just ruing my date.
We're just worried about you.
Yeah.
Matthew,we know what you're doing.
You're clearly not over Lucy.
I mean,it's like when Richard and I first broke up and I started to date that Armenian magician.
That guy was a terrible magician.
He made my underwear disappear.
You're nasty.
You know what,I miss Babeg.
We should go see him at the Magic Castle some --You know what,Andrea,Andrea has nothing to do with Lucy, except for the fact that she is the exact opposite of her.
Lucy was so complicated and dramatic and exotically beautiful and What was I saying about Andrea? Matthew,I just don't think she's right for you.
Why? Why? 'Cause she's a cafeteria lady? 'Cause she wears bike shorts under her clothes? Because she's a creationist? Does she have a brother for me? Matthew,come on.
You have to admit,it's pure rebound.
Matthew how much longer are you going to leave me sitting out there? I just need to know if I should put sunscreen on.
I'm sorry,I was just telling Barb and my sister here how great you are.
Because I got sun poisoning once in high school.
I put aloe on it.
Andrea,why don't we go away to Santa Barbara for the weekend.
Matthew,don't.
Santa Barbara.
We get our Salisbury steak from there.
And I thought she couldn't top the aloe story.
Come on babe.
I know it's none of my business,but I like her.
She smells like Tater Tots.
Mom,Mom,look what happened! I fell down and hurt my elbow! look at that.
That is something.
Yeah,there was a lot of blood.
And they had to clean it up with a mop.
It was gross and cool.
I wish I'd been there to see it.
Well,why don't you go upstairs and rinse that off,buddy.
I'll come up in a second; I'll put some Band-Aids on it.
-Okay,Mom.
-Okay,honey.
Gosh.
you handled that a lot better than I thought you would.
I'm taking away your custody.
You know what,I think it's a good time for me to grab some Tater Tots.
Christine,it looks worse than it is.
The guy at the skateboard park said that Ritchie was fine.
really? The guy at the skateboard park said he was fine? Did you get a second opinion from the dude at the snack bar,Richard? No,I got a juice from the dude at the snack bar.
Because I get woozy when I see all that blood.
You are in huge trouble,Richard! -He fell.
-really? Where were his elbow pads,Richard? -He took them off.
- Not possible.
I duct-taped them on myself, so somebody had to help him to take them off.
Who would have done that,Richard? Look,he's a kid.
Kids fall down,they get minor injuries.
It happens.
Not when he's with me it doesn't.
What's that supposed to mean? That I'm a bad father or something? No,you're just a father.
A mother would never let that happen.
Christine,that's offensive.
You're basically saying that mothers are better parents than fathers.
Yeah,I am.
Everybody knows that.
Nobody knows that.
That's why we have Mother's Day,dumb-ass.
There's Father's Day too,dumb-ass.
No,the only people who celebrate that are people whose mothers are dead.
I-I just I just cannot believe that you let this happen,Richard! Well,he had a good time.
He wants me to take him back next week.
No,no,no,no.
No! He is never skateboarding again,okay? He is our only son.
We have no backup.
Which is your fault,too,by the way.
How is that my fault? Because when I asked you to have another baby, you said no.
You asked me that two months ago.
In front of my fiancée.
Listen to me,from now on, when I say that something is too dangerous, he doesn't do it,all right? You have shown that your judgment cannot be trusted.
Man,they make you take a test to drive a car, but any bozo off the street can be a father.
You calling me a bozo? No.
Bozo's good with kids.
They make you take a test to drive a car, but any bozo off the street can be a father.
You should stop saying that.
You know you didn't make it up.
And you also didn't make up "Show me the money.
" I was saying that back in 1971.
You can ask anyone.
Maybe you should cut Richard a little slack.
Accidents happen.
You know,every time I think of what happened at that skate park,it just,it makes me sick.
He could have really been hurt.
But he wasn't.
But he could have been,all right?From now on,I'm going to be extra vigilant.
This sounds like a big crazy coming on to me.
Yeah,you betcha.
You betcha! See you later,Mom.
I'm going over to Justin's house to show him my elbow.
you know what? I'll drive you,'cause I have to go to the grocery store anyway,honey.
You don't have to drive me.
-I ride my bike all the time.
-No,no,no,no.
You know what,your elbow's still a little bit stiff, and it's getting dark outside.
In seven hours.
All right,fine.
Wear your helmet.
And let's pad you up.
Barb,go get me some panty liners and some duct tape.
No,Christine,you have to let him go.
If he loves you,he'll come back.
If he's smart,he won't.
Thanks,Aunt Barb.
Bye,Mom.
I know you're worried about him, but you can't follow him everywhere he goes.
No,not everywhere-- just to Justin's house.
Come on.
You know he's going to grow up to hate you.
I know.
Look at him flying down the road.
We're going three.
This guy is tailgating me like crazy.
Hey,hey,buddy! Child on bike! Back off! God! Can you believe this idiot? be careful! What do you want to do,cause an accident?! Did I just hit something? Where's Ritchie? -Ritchie! - Ritchie! I'm okay,I'm okay.
Oh,my God,Ritchie! I ran into the car and now my knee hurts,but I'm okay.
Oh,my God! I ran over my only child.
You didn't run him over.
He ran into the car.
honey,I'm so sorry! We're going to take you to the ER,okay? And we're going to get you checked out,okay? And make sure everything is fine.
Oh,my God.
You're okay,you're okay,Ritchie.
He's okay,he's okay,right,Barb? He's fine.
Are you? - Yeah.
Yeah,yeah! I hit my kid with a car! I'm okay.
I'm okay! I'm okay!I'm okay! -Honey.
- Yeah? -Car's this way.
- Yeah,I'm okay! I'm okay! I'm okay!I'm okay! Oh,my God! Okay,the doctor says he's fine.
He's just taking some X-rays to make sure.
And he gave me these.
is Ritchie in pain? No,they're for me.
I was kind of a little hysterical in there.
The most important thing is that Ritchie is okay,so you can relax.
No,I can't.
Because when Richard gets here, he's gonna try and make it seem like this whole thing is my fault.
Well,it is 100% your fault.
No,he's gonna say that somehow this proves he's winning.
Winning what? Who's the better parent.
I'm not sure that's a contest either you or Richard should enter.
Barb,listen to me-- when you're a divorced parent, everything is a competition and that is why we're not going to tell Richard what happened today, we're just gonna lie.
-Why am I going to lie? I'm not in the contest.
- Yes,you are.
It's you and me against Richard and New Christine.
Just let me do all the talking.
Just agree with everything I say.
-No.
- All right,well,then,Barb,we are off to a very bad start.
-Is everything okay? Where's Ritchie? -He's fine; he's fine,okay? Nothing's broken.
He's already walking on it.
We're just waiting for X-rays.
What happened? Um,Ri Ritchie,was out riding his bike and,Barb and I went out to get Chinese food.
Right,Barb? Yeah.
Right.
Kung Pao chicken,filet white meat,no MSG.
Right,right,right.
And then,so,we saw Ritchie ahead of us,okay? And he seemed distracted,somehow, and then we looked over and there was a this coyote.
What? right there,in the middle of the city.
And it had something in its mouth.
I think it might've been a aroadrunner.
Wh-What's going on,Christine? Maybe you should just tell him the truth.
the truth would be great.
All right.
Fine.
man,this is not easy for me to admit but Barb hit Ritchie with the car.
-What?! -What?! It was an accident.
She didn't mean it.
Right,Barb? I guess I was distracted by the coyote and the roadrunner.
Don't Don't be mad,Richard,all right? It was an accident.
You know how much she loves Ritchie.
I'm not mad.
You must feel terrible.
I know how much you love Ritchie.
Barb,just promise me you won't blame yourself for this.
It was an accident,okay? Richard.
That is just the right attitude.
And technically I hit Ritchie with the car,but I promise I won't blame myself.
You lied to me? Are you kidding me? After what you put me through for a scraped elbow and then you hit him with the car? Barb did it.
No,no,Christine, you're not getting off the hook for this.
You ran over our son with a car.
You are clearly the worst parent.
Well! It's not a contest! Damn it.
He thinks he won.
Well,he did 100% win.
Look at this room! Pretty nice£¿ They have a pool,too.
We're going to need towels.
You know what you are? Practical.
My last girlfriend never thought ahead.
She was ridiculously impulsive.
You know,when we came to this place, we didn't even have reservations.
Or luggage.
Every moment with her was a discovery.
So you came here with your last girlfriend? does that bother you? Is there a TV? Yeah.
Then,no.
Do you likeWheel? What? Are you aWheelwatcher? Wheel of Fortune.
What,do you live in a box? Okay,sweetie,go upstairs and rest your knee,all right? I'll be up in a few minutes to check on you.
Can I take my helmet off now? No.
I'm gonna come take it off when you fall asleep.
You okay?--No.
ichard's right.
I am the worst parent.
I mean,when I think what could've happened if I'd been going faster.
Or if he didn't have his helmet on.
God forbid,that coyote got to him before I did.
First of all,the coyote was busy catching the roadrunner with his giant magnet.
How many of those pills did you take? It said take two,so,four.
What? They expect you to double it.
Oh,God,Barb,I'm never gonna be able to forgive myself.
You know,you can finish raising him for me,if you want to.
After you already wrecked him? No,thanks.
God Look,Christine,stop being so hard on yourself.
Being a mom is one of the two things you do well.
What's the other one? Okay,there's not another one.
But everyone makes mistakes.
Believe me,Richard has made his share of mistakes.
Yeah.
Not like this.
yeah.
Like this.
Okay,I'm gonna tell you something about Richard, but it's got to stay between you and me.
Of course.
Okay.
Remember that time Richard took Ritchie to the Orange County Fair? You lost Ritchie at the Orange County Fair? Christine,it was the worst 45 minutes of my life.
And I found him.
If I had really lost him, you wouldn't have been able to run him over with your car.
no,you can't turn this back on me,all right? This is just irresponsible parenting, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Of course I'm ashamed of myself.
It was the worst hour and a half of my life.
Hour and a half?! Never mind that.
Who told you about the Orange County Fair? How could you tell her about the Orange County Fair? You know that was the worst four hours of my life.
I'm sorry,but,you know,she felt so bad, I wanted to make her feel better.
Well,now I feel awful.
Clearly,I'm the worst parent.
I'm way worse than Christine.
At least she hit him while she was trying to protect him.
I was so busy watching a cow being born,I forgot I even brought him.
Look,would it make you feel better if I told you something about Christine? Yes.
Okay,but it has to stay between us.
Of course.
Well You let Ritchie shave his legs? Boys are curious.
If you forbid something, it makes it that much more appealing to them.
I guess nobody forbid you.
Between us? Of course.
Hooters,Richard? Neverland Ranch,Christine? So,what are we doing now? Do you want to come in? I want to break up.
What? Why? I thought we really connected.
You know,during the commercials.
You don't like me.
You're obviously still in love with your old girlfriend.
It's all you talk about.
That's not true! I'm totally over Lucy.
Sh-She drove me crazy.
You know,she used to walk in her sleep.
And not like a normal person.
Like,like,like some mummy from an old movie with her arms straight out.
It was just weird and adorable.
I see what you're saying.
Well guess we'll always have theWheel? Not "the"Wheel-- Wheel! We're terrible parents.
Both of us.
The worst.
Well,you more than me.
Okay,Miss "I just had to meet Michael Jackson.
" that ranch was amazing,Richard.
I saw a peacock up-close.
God,I hope Ritchie didn't.
Man,they make you take a test to drive a car, but any bozo could be a parent.
Okay,we're not going to get anywhere blaming each other.
Well,if we don't blame each other,who are we going to blame? We could blame Barb.
I mean,we were much better parents before Barb told us what bad parents we are.
I hate Barb.
No,I don't.
I love Barb.
I love Barb,too.
Should Barb raise him? She doesn't want to.
He's all wrecked.
Do you know what? This is silly.
Ritchie is a healthy,happy,well- adjusted kid.
Yeah,that's true.
I mean,he's a good student, and he gets along with other kids,and he came through the divorce with flying colors,you know.
So we must be doing something right.
Something? We're doing a lot of things right.
Are we good parents? Are we great parents? What are you guys doing? We just decided that we're great parents.
Where's Ritchie? Ritchie? shoot!It was my turn to pick him up.
I win.