Weird Science s04e16 Episode Script

Okay, brace yourself, Lis.
You may feel a slight tingling sensation.
Hey! Uh sorry.
Gotta make sure you're in tiptop shape.
Consider this your 2000 zap checkup.
Hard to believe it's been two whole years since we created you, Lis.
You've filled out nicely for a toddler.
Our little girl's grown up, Gar.
Hey! Let's celebrate.
Let's throw a little birthday soiree for our favorite genie.
A party? For me? I never had a birthday party before.
Birthdays are great! Oh, remember your tenth, when your mom served the bad salmon? Oh, and all the paramedics sang me "Happy Birthday? - And we got helicopter rides? - Ah, the memories.
So? Whaddya say? You up for some cake and ice cream? I guess.
- Hello? He said "ice cream!" - I know.
What's the point of a party? I don't have anybody to invite.
No family no one even knows I exist.
Bummer.
Hey, Gar I just thought of the perfect birthday present for Lisa.
- A helicopter ride? - I got a better idea.
We're gonna give Lisa a family? Not a real family.
Memories of a family.
We make stuff up, plant it in her source code, and she'll remember it like it really happened.
Cool! She'll get the childhood she never had.
Okay, what should we make her dad? - Uh a patent attorney? - Sucks! Give her a cool dad.
Let's make him a secret agent.
Like it, like it what about her mom? Lisa always wanted to be a princess.
- Let's make her mom a queen! - A barbarian queen! - Tight-fitting body armor? - You read my mind.
[Lisa.]
You guys ready yet? I'm gonna zap in.
- Not yet! - I'm gonna zap in now, ready or not! - Hold on! One more second! - I'm zapping in, I'm zapping! Okay! You can come in now! Where did you hide it? Where's my birthday present? - Are you ready? - I'm ready! I'm ready! Here it is! So? What do you think of all the decorations? Dredge up any memories? It reminds me of my sixteenth birthday, when my dad he's a secret agent, you know bought me my first car.
It was flamingo pink, and the headlights shot heat-seeking missiles! I remember at my fourth birthday, our castle was attacked by the Uncanny X-Men.
My mom, she's a barbarian queen, you know, slew them mightily.
Ooh, that's from me.
Try it on.
Maybe later.
Thanks, Gary.
So? Who's ready for cake? Oh, not yet! We have to wait for my family, silly.
They should be here any time now.
She thinks her family's coming.
You know, Lis, sometimes families let you down on your birthdays.
My family won't let me down.
They love me.
Daddy! Happy birthday, pumpkin! One sec.
I hope I'm not too late for cake.
- Hello, Daddy! - Pumpkin! Where's Mom? I call upon the power of the Almighty Zeus, and the denizens of Mount Olympus, - to wish you a happy birthday! - Mommy! I can't believe you're actually here! That makes three of us.
Hello, men.
Fred Bullet, agent of S.
P.
A.
N.
K.
- S.
P.
A.
N.
K.
? - S.
P.
A.
N.
K.
Special Protectors of Allied Nuclear Kommandoes.
Guys, this is my mom.
Mom, the guys.
Boys! I'm Li-Zar, barbarian queen of Romanus.
Pain and pleasure oddly mixed.
Come on! You're just in time for cake.
What's going on? When we added the memories to Lisa's programming, her magic must have made them real.
Is it too late to give her a trampy sister? Sorry we're late, sweetie.
Dr.
Vengeance tried to blow up our car again.
- Don't start with me, Li-Z.
- Dr.
Vengeance, Mr.
Cantankerous, the Giggler if it isn't one ridiculous supervillain, it's another.
Those ridiculous supervillains pay the bills, thank you very much.
Besides, we would have had plenty of time if you didn't have to stop to pay homage to the bones of your ancestors.
Do you want to anger the spirits, Fred? Is that what you want? Gary you wanna help me with the cake and ice cream? - That'll be your brother.
- Chad's coming? Chad? I don't remember giving Lisa a brother.
You were in the bathroom.
Hey, who started the party without me? Chad! Gimme five! Hey, boy, are you looking great.
Hey, Pop! Great to see ya.
Ha-ha.
- Martinis still your drink? - Hey, is my butt hairy? So Lisa's brother is TV's beloved simian, "Chad Chimp: Ape Detective?" "Chad Chimp" was my favorite show as a kid.
Oh, this is too weird.
Everything we made up is coming to life.
- Uh-oh.
- What? When you were in the bathroom, I made Hannibal Lecter Lisa's favorite uncle.
I was almost out of ammo.
The bullets were all around me like a swarm of angry bees.
Thinking fast, I fired myself out of the torpedo tube.
I figured I was home free, until I ran into Natasha and her exploding banana.
Daddy, I have a funny story too.
Sh! Honey, your brother's talking.
So anyways, after I seduced Natasha, I was able to slip out of Tangiers hidden in a shipment of Curious George dolls! You do me proud, Chad.
Daddy, I can use my magic powers to stop time! Why don't you use your magic powers to shut your big yapper? I'll zap your yapper, you stupid monkey! Hey, hey, be nice to your brother.
But Chad started it, and it's my birthday! It's always gotta be about you, doesn't it? "Look at me, I've got magic powers! I have no body fat!" Yeah? Well, at least I didn't start flinging - my own feces at Grandpa's funeral.
- I was destroyed! I loved the man! I loved him, I tell you, I loved him! Loved him, loved him, loved him! Okay, that should do it.
We shouldn't have anymore unexpected party guests.
What about mom, dad, and monkey-boy? Ah I can't get to 'em.
They've already been assimilated into her source code.
Cutting them out now would be like giving her a lobotomy.
It's beautiful! Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, look, look, look tells time in twelve different time zones, and, pull this strangling wire.
Here, Lisa, my gift to you.
It's the severed head of my most bitter enemy, Medusa.
Oh, Mom! That is so sweet! Severed head? What the hell does she need that for? Oh, and your gift was so much more practical, Fred.
How often do you think she's going to have to strangle someone? Oh-ho-ho-ho, what do we have here? Thank you, Chett Sweet smokin' Elvises, sis, don't you have any normal friends? Oh! Me Tarzan, you lusty.
Knave! I will smite you! Don't tease me.
Please me.
Let me kill him, Ma! I got a clean shot! - What the hell are you starin' at? - The monkey talks? Why is everyone surprised when the monkey talks, huh? - It's just very unusual.
- Yeah? Well, get over it, homo erectus.
This chimp talks, walks, and dances.
Those line dance lessons really paid off.
This is too freaky.
Get behind me, Wyatt, I think I can take the chimp.
Leave my brother alone! - What's with the hat? - Neural neutralizer.
As long as he wears it, he's a party animal.
I am not getting caught up in this madness.
Li-Zar chooses you.
Dance with me now.
Okay.
- Wanna cut a rug with your old man? - You want to dance with me? Of course! You're my special birthday girl.
Thanks for coming, Daddy.
This was the best birthday ever.
I wouldn't've missed it, pumpkin.
Excellent.
Couple of quick goodbyes, they're out of here.
- Where do you think they'll go? - Who knows? Parallel dimension? Pocket universe? San Diego Zoo? All I know is, we're safe until Christmas.
When next we meet, I shall be drenched in the blood of mine enemies.
I love you, Mom.
- Lisa, I've finally found you! - You! I told you to stay away from my daughter! Did you remember to block the "Ripsaw as Lisa's boyfriend" file? - Apparently not.
- Oh, Ripsaw! I never thought I'd see you again! Are those for me? Along with my heart.
Ever since you left, I've been miserable! I didn't want to leave.
Mom and Dad made me.
They wouldn't give their blessing.
Forget about your parents, Lisa.
It's between you and me.
- Marry me, Lisa? - Oh, Ripsaw! Of course I'll marry you! You guys aren't dressed yet? I'm getting married in less than an hour.
About the wedding we need to talk.
No time.
There.
You look great.
Let's go.
Lis, don't you think this is a little sudden? - I mean, you just met this guy.
- Don't be a dope! It feels like I've known Ripsaw forever.
There's something else that I need to tell you guys.
I hope you won't be upset, but after the wedding, - I'm going to move back home.
- What? This party was so wonderful, it made me realize how much I miss my family, and I want to spend more time with them now.
Plus, I want the kids to know their grandparents.
Lis, there's something you have to know.
I mean, it's not like we're going to have kids right away, but when we do Lis, there's no easy way to say this, so here goes.
Fred, Li-Zar, Chad they're not your real family.
I know what this is about.
You guys are feeling left out.
Well, you shouldn't.
To me you're family too.
No, that's not the problem, Lis.
Your family isn't real.
They're just memories we made up and planted in your program.
That's crazy! Of course they're real! Why are you saying this? Because we can't let you marry some guy who's a figment of our imaginations.
Oh, so this is about Ripsaw.
You sound like my father.
Why is everyone trying to stop me from marrying the man that I love? - Can't you just be happy for me? - You don't understand.
I think I do.
And if you don't like it, you don't have to come.
The wedding is at sundown in the castle courtyard.
I hope you'll be there.
Castle? What castle is she talking about? Uh, that would be my fault.
Lisa wanted to be a princess, so I programmed in that she grew up in a castle.
So where is she? Scotland? Ireland? Closer than that You made Lisa the princess of Putt-a-Lot? It was the first castle that came to mind.
Actually, it was the only castle that came to mind.
Putt-a-Lot! Putt-a-Lot! Show your gal you're hot to trot At Putt-a-Lot! Sink your putt and strut your stuff At Putt-a-Lot! And if there is anyone here who believes these two should not be joined in matrimony, let them speak now, or forever hold-- - Hello! - Back here! - Comin' through! - Excuse us! Gary! Wyatt! I'm so glad you decided to share my moment of joy.
Actually, we're here to ruin your moment of joy.
You guys wanna stop her from marrying Fancy Boy? - I'm in! - Daddy! - Oh.
Sorry.
- Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll take care of these two interlopers.
Finish them! Honey, please! I'll handle this.
I know you guys are upset, but you just have to accept this.
I am going to marry Ripsaw, and you can't stop me.
Actually, they can.
Ruling law states that if a wedding is challenged, the dispute must be settled by combat.
- Winner gets the bride.
- Combat? Yes, combat! And I'll be happy to meet these two on the field of battle to win the hand of my beloved.
Try not to hurt them too badly, Ripsaw.
They are my friends.
I'll give you a lesson in the royal sport you'll not soon forget! The royal sport? Putting! Are you sure you can take this guy? It's in the bag.
You're looking at the three-time Summer League Putt-a-Lot champion, Junior Division.
Let's get this over with, huh? The royal wedding bed grows cold.
Oh, Ripsaw! Stand back, Bluto.
What the hell was that? I thought this was a putting contest! Oh, it is.
Centurion putting! - Come on, Gar.
- I'll need a caddy and a paramedic.
And the winner is Ripsaw! Yeah! I shouldn't have spotted him those five strokes.
Gary, Wyatt, I want you to know you're welcome in the castle anytime.
We'll always be friends.
Lisa, we want you to be happy.
And if that means someday you get married and you leave us, that's okay.
But you have to accept the truth about your family.
- Don't start this again.
- Doesn't it just seem a little weird? You were raised in a miniature golf course? Your brother's a chimp? - Well maybe he's adopted.
- Hey, if anybody's adopted, it's you.
And look at your mom.
She's younger than you are.
Explain that away.
She doesn't cook her meat? Lisa, Gary and I put these memories into your programming.
Your family, Ripsaw, all of it.
You never had a talking pony you never were the Gerber baby and you never turned letters on "Wheel of Fortune.
" - But I remember all of it! - And we remember making it up.
Why would you do this to me? We didn't want you to be alone in the world.
We wanted you to have a family for your birthday.
- We screwed up, Lis.
- Lisa? I'm sorry, but we're going to have to postpone the wedding.
It's just a little too fast for me.
But we've known each other since we were children! Ripsaw, I'm only two! Trust me, there's plenty of time ahead.
As you wish, my darling.
I'll always wait for you.
Thanks.
Lisa, we are so sorry about this.
I promise, when we get home, I will figure out some way to wipe out all of these fake memories.
Touch them and I'll turn you into a stump! You made my family on your computer, just the way you made me, right? - Sort of.
- Then they're as real as I am.
- In a way.
- Then that's good enough for me.
No one gets to choose their family anyway.
You have to love them for who they are.
Even if they are the products of two very twisted imaginations.
- Happy birthday, then.
- Thank you.
This was my best birthday ever if you don't count all the cool made-up ones.
Sorry about the wedding, sis.
Whaddya say we take your mind off your troubles with a rousing nine holes? - I'll kick your monkey butt.
- Ha-ha! I'd like to see ya try.
Come on, Li-Z! You and me against the kids.
- We will slay them.
- Mightily, my dear.
Mightily.
Heh-heh, isn't this great? They're hippos and they're hungry! Look at 'em eat! - Hey, Lis, you got a letter.
- Really? It's from Dad.
He's inviting us all to Thanksgiving dinner.
"We hope the boys will be able to join us.
" Cool! "This letter will self-destruct in five seconds.
" Oh, Daddy Captioned by Grant Brown