2 Broke Girls s04e17 Episode Script

Max, did you pick up the tip from table two? No, but I'm pretty sure I picked up a staph infection.
So they literally gave me their two cents worth.
This is so embarrassing, even Abe Lincoln won't make eye contact.
Girls, I need you to do something for me.
You know the rule: nothing for you, on you, near you, or in us.
I'm going to restroom.
Keep eye on the kitchen.
I have a four-minute egg and a five-minute date with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Hey, do you see what I see? A fire? No, a way out of this job.
Lord Jesus, there's a fire.
You two gonna do anything about that? 'Cause I'm not.
I don't mess with fire or Presbyterians.
Fire, fire! I smell fire! Well, don't just stand there.
Do something! We are.
S'mores! You'd think you want this place to burn to the ground.
You'd think that.
Caroline, do something.
I'm on it.
Chocolate? Han, not too close.
You know you can never get the smell of Korean barbecue out of your clothes.
Either he put the fire out, or that little robot just had an orgasm.
* Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh * * Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh * Welcome to The High dessert bar.
I'm the hostess slash quasi-manager.
First day in, got a huge promosh.
I hate to brag, but the word “dazzling” was used.
Yeah, by you.
Little to no power has really gone to your head.
It has.
She's like the Putin of pastry.
But doesn't it feel good to not just be working at the diner? I haven't slipped on one used baby diaper all day.
Speaking of babies, look, there's Han.
That's, like, the third time I caught him spying on us.
Why would he stalk two of his worst employees? I know.
It's like Where's Waldo? when you don't want to find Waldo.
Not seeing a hostess up in here.
She meant quasi-manager.
If Marty Scorsese walks in here, do you want him to seat himself? He'll be lost.
Lost.
Sorry, Joe, I was just over there giving Max Honey, I'll download an audiobook if I want to hear a story.
I want you to meet someone.
Me too, and I'm sure I will when the time is right and I'm open to it.
Kind of focusing on me right now.
Stop.
Learn to read faces.
I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about him.
Hello, pleasure to meet you.
I'm Nashit.
Nashit's an Indian name, and isn't that an Irish accent I detect? Or have I just lost consciousness from how white your teeth are? Yes, it is.
My father's Indian.
My mother's Irish.
He's Irish.
He's Indian.
He's East meets West.
He's everything in a hot Irish coffee, boy band package.
I found him on the street next to a dirty chair.
Hi, I'm Caroline, the hostess slash quasi-manager at The High.
Are you high? 'Cause that was a lot of talking.
Who is this, and where can I get one? This is Nashit, our new waiter.
Oh, it's lovely to meet you.
Can you say “magically delicious”? I really want Nashit to work out.
I like it when good-looking people succeed.
Well, I guess that's good news for me.
Is it? Hi, honey.
Have you met the new waiter? I love him.
He's my favorite.
If I did men, he would've been done by now.
Hmm, so you think you're pretty.
Well, I do too.
Okay, Nashit, pay attention.
These are the tables.
This is the dessert bar.
And these are my boobs.
Max, be professional.
These are my boobs, sir.
Please, I have to make him a waiter.
Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.
Here you go.
This isn't yours, is it? No, because they already have dessert.
Damn it.
You asked for water, like, an hour ago, didn't you? I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't you worry those lips.
And what's an hour when we have our whole lives ahead of us? Max, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I stink as a waiter.
This is desperate.
Well, desperate times call for us making out.
Hey, I have a question for you.
Your skin is so creamy and white.
You must have a little Irish in you.
I've had a lot of little Irishes in me.
That's meant to be dirty, right? Well, I just mean that I think you're quite beautiful.
Oh, well, then I just mean we're doing it.
I did not think there was somebody who had a prettier nose or was worse than me waiting tables, but here we are.
Nashit, there's not a fork in the mix out there.
Now, get out there and fork those women.
Take it easy on him.
I don't want him to be all forked out by the time he gets to me.
I'm gonna have so much sex on my bed with Nashit that I'm gonna need a new sheet.
Aren't you too old for him? Yeah, but that test said mentally I'm 14, so we can totally do it.
Well, I'm off to Chinatown to have someone put needles in me.
Oh, my God.
I love your coat.
You look gorgeous.
I mean, the way it flows.
Okay, so I can see you're a kiss-ass, so here's the thing.
As my quasi-manager, or whatever nonsense you're telling people, I need you to tell Max and Nashit to cool it.
There are no hookups here at The High.
Done, and we can stop staying “quas”" if we're both on board with the manager thing.
We're not.
The High is about fine pastry, not someone's sordid love life.
And in an ironic twist, I need you to kick my girlfriend's hot ass out of here if she comes in.
Here's $100.
That's $100.
Consider her hot ass out the door.
We're in a fight.
She got drunk, stole my Black Card, and bought 90 people soup at Barney Greengrass, and the soup isn't even good there.
Do not take this as a no, because I want the money, but why can't you just tell her yourself? I can't tell her myself.
She's younger than me, and everyone knows the mommy thing just isn't sexy.
Make sure she eats something and gets home safe.
Caroline, I have a question for you.
What do I do with the notes the women give me? You've gotten notes? Just a few.
How could women be this desperate? Max, this one's from you.
They're mostly all from me, except the business card.
I don't need no damn card to let him know I'm all business.
Max, Joe just told me there are no hookups at The High, and judging from this very detailed picture you drew, that's exactly what you're planning.
Oh, I was planning more.
I just ran out of paper.
We can't lose these jobs.
I have two $100 bills, and I'm this close to pulling the trigger on an Amazon Prime account.
Amazon Prime? You have been driven mad with power.
Fresh, flakey pastry.
And speaking of flakes, there's Joe's flakey girlfriend.
Can someone help me get my chair off my coat? How did she get in here? Probably floated in on a cloud of Valium.
It's go time, as in she's got to go.
You have a better chance moving an actual train wreck, but good luck.
- Allie, hi, you - Shh.
Allie, hi.
- You need - Sorry.
But I am hungover, and I have a headache.
Could I get a latte with a side of weed? No, because this isn't Amsterdam or Bill Maher's house.
Now, you need to leave.
You know Joe doesn't want you in here.
Well, I'm not leaving.
My legs won't move because my muscle relaxers just kicked in.
John, can you do me a favor? Walk Allie outside, and by that, I mean pick her up and carry her outside.
I went to pastry school.
I'm not Shrek.
Of course not.
You're much more Fiona.
Girl, that's good.
I was gonna say the donkey, 'cause I have a fine ass.
Okay, fine.
Driver, two stops.
Barney's and Fro-Yo.
Earl, we're late again.
Did you keep us alive? Max, I can barely keep myself alive.
This morning, I had to jump-start my heart by putting my finger in the socket Tom and Jerry style.
Oh, hello.
So what did you girls do today? I haven't seen you since right here last night.
Oh, really, Han? 'Cause I swear I saw you lurking around outside The High.
It was either you, or Pikachu is visiting New York.
That one barely grazed me, because I'm Korean, and Pikachu is Japanese.
You don't know anything about Pokemon.
Han, you may not be Japanese, but in the future, you're definitely gonna be poked by a Mon.
And it was you.
No, it was not.
- Yeah, it was.
- Wasn't.
- Was.
- Wasn't.
- Wasn't.
- Was wasn't.
English is my second language.
Admit it, you're jealous we're spending time with another restaurant.
I am not jealous.
- Are so.
- Am not.
- Am not.
- Are so not.
Oh, my God! Caroline, what the hell are you doing? I'm smelling a $100 bill.
It's from my other restaurant.
It buys me nice things.
Jealous? I took you in when you had no one.
Hi, can you help me? I'm looking for Max.
Why, hello.
Is it too late to be gay? Nashit? Oh, my God, he even looks good here in morgue light.
We are so doing it.
Caroline, you left your phone on the table at the restaurant.
I confess, I used it as an excuse to come and see Max.
This isn't mine.
It's Joe's girlfriend's.
I don't have an iPhone 6.
I have an iPhone sick.
D-O-I-N-G it! Max, why is Nashit here? Because God owes me.
You can't seriously be into him.
He looks like someone in a boy band.
Yeah, and he's going one direction Down there.
But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan.
How do you know you even like him? You know what I like? That we're doing it.
Hey, everybody! I just got hit by a cab, and, boy, am I in the mood for crab legs.
The thing about you, baby you bounce back from a good pounding every single night.
Wait a minute.
That's my booth.
Oh, it's lovely to meet you.
What? What the hell kind of accent is that? I'm from Ireland.
What? Max, you are not doing it.
- Are.
- Not.
- Are.
- Not.
- Not.
- Please, I went to Wharton.
Look, we should go to your place when we do it so that Caroline won't be there while we're doing it.
Lovely, but I just came to America two days ago.
I have no place to go.
In fact, I've been sleeping on that dirty chair Joe spoke of.
What? Is he singing? Oh, my God.
He's gorgeous and homeless? That's your dream guy.
We are so doing it! Ugh, this is impossible.
I feel like I'm putting an Oscar dress on Precious.
I'm making up the couch for Nashit.
That is so nice of you.
He's gonna need a place to crash after we have sex.
No, that's off the table.
I can't believe you invited him to stay here.
And I can't believe you refused to sleep at Starbucks tonight to give us some privacy.
I mean, you like Nora Jones.
Max likey.
- Max, listen.
- No, you listen.
I can't afford candy, so he has got to be it.
Thanks for the shower.
Oh, no, his muscles point to his penis.
Max, stop with the banging.
I'm not letting you out while you're still in heat.
It's not me.
I'm making a list of ways to kill you! I feel like I'm being a bother, and I think I'm sleeping on a bong.
Open up.
I know what's going on in there.
Oh, my God.
That's Joe.
She must've found out about you and Max hooking up.
Oh, no.
Max, Joe is here.
You need to do that thing you do to scare people out of the hallway.
What do we think, guard dog or little old lady with poor eyesight and loaded gun? Fine, I'm going.
This is why I never leave Manhattan.
Hey, you need to get in the girls' apartment? I have a key.
Find it here in my big bag.
I know it's in here somewhere.
Well, I got the lip balm.
I got Oh, look, I got the Holy Bible.
I got Oh, look.
Oh, the DirecTV remote.
Oh, my God, I'm losing estrogen.
Max, you and Nashit go hide in your room, but no sex.
You heard her, no sex, so everything but, and I mean everything, and I mean but.
Oh, here it is.
It's right It was right under the cold cuts the whole time.
Caroline.
Hey.
Hi, Joe.
Oh! Yeah.
Ha! Yeah, the shorter hair makes sense now.
Yeah.
Good for you, Caroline.
I hope you like long, boring stories.
Okay, where's Allie? I know she's here.
I put a spy app on her phone, and I'm not proud of it, but I'm a jealous woman.
Oh, her phone.
I have it.
She left it at The High when I threw her ass out today per your instructions.
I don't know how I thought this thing was gonna work out to begin with.
We met at Coachella.
We were both on Molly, this intensely hot Filipino girl.
- Shh, shh.
- I'm hearing sexual sounds.
And hints of secret shame coming from the bedroom.
- Allie is here.
- No, no one's here.
That's just our white noise machine.
I'm shocked.
You're not even her type.
Your lips are like two flair-pen marks.
That's hot.
Please don't fire Nashit! The Dr.
Seuss hats were my idea.
We were playing Hop on Pop.
I was Pop.
I didn't even know there was a boy in there.
I only saw you.
Okay, since there are no hookups at The High, if you don't stop sleeping with him immediately, my new manager Caroline here is gonna have to kick his beautiful butt to the curb.
But I was mid-doing-it! Honey, there's a real funky smell in here.
I got to get out of here.
PS, this is where you live? Take another $100.
Earl, hi.
What kind of mood is Max in? Pretty good.
On the Max scale, she's below slightly drunk but above punching a customer out.
Oh, good.
I was worried she'd be mad at me 'cause I had to get rid of her boy toy.
Caroline, I'd put my hearing aids back in if I wanted to hear a story.
Guess what I have for you in my purse.
The tampon I asked for last week? No, and again, so sorry about that.
Really dropped that ball.
Gummy worms.
Yes, I took away your man candy, but I got you these, the hot ones that you like from the good candy store with the sneeze guards.
Fancy.
And don't worry about Nashit.
I got him another job.
Hot worm! Clean glasses coming through.
Nice rack.
Now I know why guys like saying that to me.
There he is! There's the new employee.
Han, I can't believe you would hire someone just 'cause Max asked you to.
This has nothing to do with Max or you.
The boy here said something to me that you two couldn't understand.
What's that, sir? That I was a hard worker? That's it! Yes! Manna from heaven.
I actually have an employee who works.
Jealous? Now, this job, I can do.
You know, growing up, I had five brothers and sisters, and since I was the least attractive, I had to clean all the dishes.
Meet you in the dish room, Nashit.
Max, what are you doing? There may not be hookups at The High, but there are hookups here at our lowest low, and we are doing it.
Caroline likey.