Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e17 Episode Script

1
Thank you all for participating
in this Personality Potluck.
Especially you. Gregory.
- You're welcome.
- Alright,
so now we are going to work
together as a team
to match each person to the dish
they brought to represent
their personality.
Gregory. Barbara. Jacob.
Janine. Me, obviously.
Great. Let's eat.
Well, hold on, now. You forgot one.
Ah.
Oh, is this Ava?
Why would I cook for y'all?
Are one of you a man
that bought me a house?
Well, who does this
croquembouche belong to?
Nah.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Alright, Mr. Johnson,
but how does this represent you?
Obviously, it's because
he's because he's bald.
- Ah.
- Actually, I studied pastry arts
at Le Cordon Bleu in "Perr-ee."
- Whoa.
- Well, I'll be.
- Ooh, la, la.
- Damn.
I can't believe I actually did
learn something about somebody.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- This is a beautiful moment.
- Yeah.
Okay, this is cuckoo,
but should we all bring it in?
- Ah, let's do it.
- Yeah.
Come on. Come on.
- Come here.
- Mmmmmm.
Yeah.
I never went to no damn French
cooking school.
Attention, everyone.
Attention, everyone.
Barbara needs your attention.
Thank you. I need a final
head count for karaoke.
I'll be there.
I like big butts,
but someone out there
thinks I'm lying about it,
and I got to set the record straight.
Is it okay if I come late?
I can't miss out
on Friday-night surge pricing.
You know, if I got into a
rideshare and you were the driver,
well, brother, I'd never get out.
I just hope you don't miss our duet,
'cause I've been practicing
my Ja Rule voice all week, baby.
I'm not gonna miss out on the duet,
and I put that on Murder I-N-C.
I love that name.
Well, I'm just excited to finally
have a chance to be heard.
You know, Zach used to turn
my mic down during duets at home
because he said my voice
only worked in theory.
Hey, Barbara,
can I bring Erika to karaoke?
She's in need of a pick-me-up.
She and Simon broke up again.
I can't believe
you're forcing your friend
to throw it back on a district employee
just so you can get back
in their good graces.
That is not what I'm doing.
She's welcome to come.
As long as she does not throw it
back, forward, or to the side.
- Mnh-mnh.
- She won't.
Ava will you be joining us?
I, the karaoke queen,
will not be in attendance.
But before you fret music joke.
Ooh.
It's because I have a date.
Ooh. Well, I hope he measures up.
- Nice.
- I'm sure he'll clear the bar.
Oh.
I bet I hope he doesn't hit
I hope he hits all the right notes.
Now, Jacob, that was a bridge too far.
- Hey!
- Hey!
There it is. There it is.
Who's the date with?
Melissa, you don't know who it is?
Who?
It's O'Sho-o-o-o-o-n.
- Ooh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now, that's a man.
- Oh.
Yes. Fine for no reason.
Yes, he is.
- Oh, wow.
- Ooh, very fancy.
Yeah. Look at this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
Where you guys been?
I've already done every
Fleetwood Mac song they've got.
Fleetwood Mac? I don't think
that's in your register, Mr. Johnson.
Mnh-mnh. Yeah, you're more
of a Macy Gray kind of range.
Girl.
I'll tell you two
just like I told Quincy Jones.
Mr. Johnson sings, or Mr. Johnson walks.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- Let's do it.
- They're here already.
That's great.
Oh, why don't you go say hi?
He's a little cutie patootie.
Cuties are everywhere.
It's gonna take a lot more than being
the cutest cutie to ever patoot
to turn the head of ol' Jacob Hill.
Okay.
Wow.
Then why is your neck
on owl mode right now?
It's because I'm
I'm actually checking out
- Oh, okay.
- Hey, girl.
Hey, Erika.
And Simon.
What What's
What's he doing here? Hey.
Worshiping the ground
I walk on, of course.
- Hey, Janine.
- What's up?
Why don't you go talk to Jacob?
Whatever you say, E-baby.
Mm. Mm. You're so nasty.
Very nasty.
I thought he broke up with you.
Broke up with me?
Does that even sound right to you?
I love it when you guys are together.
It's kind of fun but dangerous,
like walking backwards.
So how long are you
staying together this time?
You asking a lot of questions
about me and my man,
but where is yours?
He still built like a Lego?
Oh, hey. How you doing?
I'm Gregory, and I'll be your
driver for the next 13 minutes.
Please buckle up, and help
yourself to any of the drinks
and assorted snacks.
I also have every kind of phone charger,
and if you feast your eyes
on the tablet attached
to the back of the headrest,
you'll find my latest addition,
Gregory's Goofy Games.
Okay, enough practice.
Time for the real thing.
Let's go.
Oh, hey. How you doing?
I'm Gregory.
I'll sit here.
Oh, I got you.
In case someone hotter walks by.
Thank you.
Have you been here before?
No, but it seems up to my standards.
I'm gonna go ahead and let my girl know
she doesn't have to pretend
she's going into labor.
I've been hesitant to come here.
It's kind of a sore spot
since it replaced
one of my favorite restaurants.
That old diner was one
of your favorite restaurants?
Well, for the nostalgia,
not for the food.
It was where my parents would take me
whenever I got a good report card.
Oh, you had to get
good grades just to eat?
Sad.
Nah, nah, if that was the case, I
wouldn't have eaten very often.
I was not a great student.
A bad boy.
Or a dumb boy. Both?
Neither now.
Damn.
Yeah.
What about you, though?
Did your family go out to eat
a lot when you were growing up?
You're not supposed to ask
people if they grew up rich.
But if you're worried
I don't know what MP means.
I do, and those are the
only things I'll be ordering.
I fou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-nd ♪
Lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve ♪
Never knew what I was missin' ♪
But I knew once we start kissin' ♪
How are they still
attracted to one another
- after hearing each other sing?
- Barb.
If Gerald even burps off key, hm,
I'm not looking at him for a week.
Hey, Mr. Johnson,
all these songs are in Korean.
I know that. I'm BTS ARMY.
What are you gonna sing, Melissa?
That is a question for the me
that is living three drinks
in the future, my friend.
I will get us a pitcher.
Lo-o-o-o-ve ♪
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hi. Could I please get a
Whew!
No, no. No.
Come. Come on.
Whoo! The stripper's here!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not Not Not a Not a
stripper. Um, my my ex is here.
I need to just, uh, hide out for a beat.
It's hard out here for a pimp ♪
When he's tryin' to get this
money for the rent ♪
For the rent ♪
For the Cadillac and gas money spent ♪
Who have a whole lot
of bitches jumpin' ship ♪
I don't care what it's about.
- It's hard out here for a pimp ♪
- Janine. Janine.
Janine.
For the Cadillac and gas money spent ♪
Hey, you forgot the beer.
And where are all the worship songs?
I was promised the BeBes and the CeCes.
I saw my ex.
Avi?
- Zach.
- I like Zach.
He's out there
with a new gentleman caller.
Name unknown.
Okay, so I thought
the two yous were cool.
Hey, it's not like you haven't
seen each other since the breakup.
Ah, you're right, I don't I
don't know why I panicked.
Just go on out there and say hello.
- Yeah, I'm gonna.
- Okay.
Um, save my place in the queue.
Okay. Get the pitcher first.
So, what do you think so far?
Not to be rude-o, but I hated the crudo.
- You know
- Mm?
you giggle a lot for a man.
I just like to show
when I'm having a good time.
Mm.
I don't get a lot of chances
to practice my Japanese.
Good thing we came
to this Japanese restaurant.
Touché.
Wow. Now he's speaking French.
This man is turning into a Rosetta
Stone right before my very eyes.
Uh, do you speak any other languages?
Just the universal one.
Love?
That's hilarious. Money.
You know, if you want to get
some more practice,
you can order us some sake.
Japanese word for that is "sake."
I never would have made it ♪
Never would have made it ♪
No, I never,
I never could have made it ♪
Never could have made it ♪
Without you ♪
- Wow.
- Yeah! Oh, my God.
Hallelujah. Yes.
Why is anybody else wasting their time?
It should just be you
and me all night, Barb.
- Oh, thank you friend.
- Yeah
I can't wait to hear
what you're cooking up.
Okay, well, one more drink,
and I'll be in the zone.
Alright. Have mine.
Oh, my gosh. Appreciate you guys
for helping Barbara out like that.
She made us sing that song
because she said we needed Jesus.
- And we do.
- Oh.
- Janine, you're up.
- Oh, uh, I am not ready yet
'cause 'cause Gregory
and I are doing a duet, so
You mean you and that Gregory?
Oh, he
Got yo ass.
Ah-ha-ha. I'm sure he's almost here.
- I'm gonna go check.
- Okay, girl.
Hello?
Hey, so no pressure,
but I've already moved our names
to the bottom of the queue
like twice now.
Uh, yeah. Okay, I'm just picking up
one more ride, and then I'm there.
Alright, well, please hurry,
But don't speed.
I can't wait.
But there's always time
to make a safe choice.
So excited to see you.
In however long it takes.
For Leonard.
- Uh, yep.
- Ah.
Uh, Janine, I gotta go.
Oh, totally. Alright, well,
if you're rider gets strange
or aggressive,
just give me a call.
People get weird at night.
- Love you.
- Alright. Love you, too.
Love you three.
Ah.
Oh, it's all happening.
- What are you doing here?
- Hi.
Um, Barbara won a raffle
for, like, a free karaoke room,
so what about you?
We're celebrating the opening
night of my one-man show,
- "Got Out."
- Oh. Oh, you changed the title.
Yeah, writing about you
actually broke down some walls
for me creatively.
But what about you? What are you up to?
Mm. Well, um, Melissa got a guinea pig.
That's cool.
You know, I'm near you guys now.
I just moved to Northern Liberties.
Zach, what the hell?
That's been your dream
neighborhood for, like, ever.
I know. I'm really
going after what I want.
It feels good.
Oh.
Well Well, good.
Zach
You're up. Come on. Our song.
I don't need the lyrics.
He-e-e-ey, hey ♪
Every single day
I walk down the street ♪
I hear people say, "Baby, so sweet" ♪
And don't lose your mind ♪
Dessert menu?
- Mm.
- Yes, please.
Domo.
So, yeah, those are
my top five roller coasters,
but I'm more of a immersive
motion simulator kind of guy.
Do you have a Do you have a favorite?
A favorite what?
Thing I never wanted
to talk about tonight?
Um, excuse me.
C-Could we just get the check, actually?
Oh, so you just decided I didn't
want the matcha cheesecake?
Nah, I just didn't want to
waste any more of your time
since this is going so poorly.
Why would you say that?
Uh, because of basically everything
that you said
over the course of this date.
Been making fun of me the whole night.
But that's kind of been our thing.
Would've been nice
to build on that rapport,
to actually, I don't know,
learn something about each other.
Learn what? I'm perfect.
You're obsessed with me.
Domo.
How long do you think
it'll be until you get here?
Um, it should be about
- Whoa.
- What?
It's just surge pricing is the
highest I've ever seen it right now.
A fare to Jersey just came in,
and it'd pay for like
a fifth of my rent.
Oh.
Would it be the worst thing in the world
if I didn't make it tonight?
Oh, um
You know what? No. Never mind.
I'll just, um
I shouldn't have even asked.
I'll just pass on the ride,
and I'll be there in 10.
No, Gregory, don't do that.
You gotta take it.
Took a second job to make money.
Make the money.
Thank you for understanding.
I'll, um
I promise I'll make it up to you.
Okay.
It's about time, Jacob. You're up.
Oh, okay. Hold on.
Just want to, uh,
switch my song real quick.
How'd things go with Zach?
Went great. He looks great.
Sounds great.
Overall, just, uh just great.
He better not sing anything ironic.
And he certainly better
not sing "Ironic."
Yeah, well, you know, I love the boy,
but he's always pitchy, and
he refuses to use his diaphragm.
Cut my life into pieces ♪
This is my last resort ♪
Let's go!
Suffocation, no breathing ♪
Don't give a [BLEEP]
if I cut my arm bleeding ♪
This is my last resort ♪
Jacob,
I know you said you're okay,
but the songs you have in the queue,
they sound quite alarming. Mm.
Is this because, uh,
Zach's got a new guy?
No, he's a he's a serial monogamist.
That was inevitable.
It's just that Zach has,
like, done so much
since we broke up, you know?
- He's gotten back into theater.
- Yep.
He's got his dream apartment,
new friends.
I didn't recognize anybody
in his karaoke room.
You know, he's, like, moving forward,
and I just
I don't know, I feel stuck.
This is the part
where you tell me I'm doing
great, and I'm overreacting.
Sometimes the best thing
that you can do for someone
is just be a mirror.
But, hey, look, I-I I
helped RJ get into golf.
Yeah.
You know, I got the
school a counselor, so
You did, and those are
amazing professional wins,
but, sweetheart,
there's more to life than work.
Mm-hmm. Maybe it's time
for you to start looking for whatever
your dream apartment is.
Hey, you might even think about
looking for something deeper
- in your dating life.
- Hm.
Hey, can't be that hard with
your Drillr app and everything.
So Ava just texted.
Turns out she's gonna come after all.
Great.
I can't believe you are
not letting me choose a song.
Well, I can't believe
you bought another condo
when you can barely
take me out on dates.
It has an outdoor pool.
We live in Philadelphia.
And it's like,
if I'm driving to make money
so I'm not stressed about going out,
but then I'm missing that
when I'm driving,
then, like, what's the point?
It's It's like I'm going in circles.
But you are going the right way, right?
I meant it metaphorically.
Dang. Surge pricing's
five times the normal fare?
You gonna accept that ride or what?
Moira F. is five minutes away.
You don't have to wait with me.
'Course I'm gonna wait with you.
My family used to go out to eat
at chain restaurants all the time.
It was like my dad's
favorite thing to do.
But he has the worst taste.
I kind of like chain restaurants.
Me, too.
But I was talking about
his taste in women.
He started a second family
with a waitress
at one of those restaurants,
and queso dips are
very triggering for me now.
Thank you for telling me that.
I don't really like queso dip anyways,
so it won't be hard
to avoid on our next date.
This date doesn't have to end right now.
I was invited to karaoke tonight.
I wasn't planning on
gracing it with my talents,
but you want to go with me?
I'm down.
- Go ahead.
- No, no.
I don't want to hurt your
feelings. I know you're sensitive.
I ain't sensitive. I ain't sensitive.
Go ahead. Make your little joke.
What divorced lesbian
did you steal this Subaru from?
Get in my car.
Way up high ♪
Or down low ♪
I'll go wherever you will ♪
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ♪
- Unh!
- Yes.
She's, like, your best friend, right?
What are you talking about?
She sounds just like him.
- I crushed it.
- Whoa. Okay.
- Alright. I guess it's me.
- Oh.
- Whoo!
- Go, Janine.
- Come on, baby.
- What's up, guys?
- That was great, Melissa.
- Thank you.
Um, as you guys know,
Gregory was supposed to be here,
but he couldn't make it.
But it's okay, because, in his honor,
I'm gonna do both parts of the duet.
- Okay.
- Which, um, shouldn't be hard.
Done it before.
I was a very lonely
"High School Musical" fan.
So here we go.
Okay.
I'm not always there when you call ♪
But I'm always on time ♪
Gave you my all ♪
- Now, baby, come on ♪
- Come on ♪
Give me a piece of this
late-night lover, you know ♪
The one that save kids like no other ♪
I know I got a lot
of things I need to explain ♪
But, baby, you know the name ♪
And love is about pain ♪
So stop the complaints,
and drop the order restraints ♪
My sex life is a game,
so back me down in the paint ♪
And I can't wait no more ♪
'Cause it's about
a quarter past 3:00 ♪
And shorty's eyein' me ♪
I got the Bentley valeted ♪
Bill?
Elijah.
Hi, Elijah. I'm Jacob.
Hi, Jacob.
That was really risky.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm so glad that worked.
What were you gonna do if it didn't?
Probably say, "Hey, I'm Jacob,
the guy you forgot to hit on earlier."
That's also pretty good.
Thank you.
What brings you to karaoke?
It is my friend's birthday,
and I volunteered to get the
drinks because I hate singing.
Do you think I could get your number?
For sure.
I'm gonna put it in as Bill.
There you go.
Alright.
- See you, Jacob.
- Yeah.
- What's up, man?
- Okay, Jacob, I see you.
Uh, come on. I'll, uh,
show you where the room is.
Ava, it's so great to see you.
I want you to meet my new boyfriend.
- White?
- It's actually pronounced Wyatt.
Right.
You're talking about how
I'm looking around at everyone.
- I'm looking around
- I see you.
- Oh, wow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- There they are.
- Finally.
- How did it go?
- He's here, ain't he?
We got time for one more song.
Ava, you choose.
You never let me be me.
You literally never let me be me.
- Help me pick.
- What are you even doing?
You know what? I'm not. I'm done.
I am done. I'm out. Mnh-mnh.
Nope.
- Ugh.
- Yep, just, uh
Ooh.
I appreciate you, bro.
They've got the wrong idea
about you at the district.
They got "No More Drama"
by Mary J. on there?
What would you do
if your son was at home ♪
Cryin' all alone
on the bedroom floor ♪
'Cause he's hungry,
and the only way to feed him ♪
Is to sleep with a man
for a little bit of money ♪
And his daddy's gone ♪
Somewhere smokin' rock now,
in and out of lockdown ♪
I ain't got a job now ♪
So for you this is just a good
time ♪
Oh, no, not a long time ♪
But for me this is what I call life ♪
Mm, girl, you ain't
the only one with a baby ♪
Yeah, there's some things
you just can't put a price on.
What would you do
if your son was at home ♪
Cryin' all alone
on the bedroom floor ♪
'Cause he's hungry,
and the only way to feed him ♪
Is to sleep with a man
for a little bit of money ♪
And his daddy's gone ♪
Somewhere smokin' rock now,
in and out of lockdown ♪
I ain't got a job now ♪
So for you this is just a good time ♪
But for me this is what I call life ♪
Hey!
- But so sad.
- Killed that.
You know, as somebody
who usually shuns the spotlight,
I never really got
the appeal of karaoke,
- Uh-huh.
- but, um, it was
it it was fun. It was really fun.
- It was fun, wasn't it?
- It was. It was.
And you were so good.
Oh, I practiced
the entire time I was driving.
- You did?
- Yeah.
Okay, let me catch you up
on everything you missed
while you were gone.
Kept a log, just the way you like.
Oh. Oh, great.
So, 8:02 P.M., we arrived.
Two minutes late. What happened?
Hey, uh, I'm pretty sure
I requested a quiet ride.
- Oh.
- You know what? You sure did.
- Um, my bad.
- Sorry.
My shoelace was caught in the escalator.
A quiet ride, not a whisper one.
A quiet one.