All In The Family s04e17 Episode Script
Archie Feels Left Out
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hey, Ma, you think Daddy's gonna like his surprise birthday party? Oh, yeah, he's gonna love it.
How can you be so sure he'll like being surprised? Oh, he told me.
Huh? When did he say that? Yesterday morning when I asked him.
That-- That means that Daddy knows about his birthday party.
Yeah, it's safer that way.
Look at the time! It's 10 after 5.
The guests will be here in 20 minutes! Twenty minutes? Yeah.
I told them to come at 5:30.
That way we'll be ready to shout "Surprise!" at Archie when he gets home at 6.
Oh.
We'd better get ready.
Oh! Hi, everybody! How are you? Wow! Well, here's Archie's birthday present.
Thank you, Louise.
What a beautiful box! What did you get him, Louise? Oh, it's not my present to Archie.
It's Edith's.
Yeah, Louise kept it over at her house so Archie wouldn't find out what it was.
What is it, Edith? Oh, I can't tell you.
It's a secret.
But it's something Archie has always wanted.
Well, it's too big to be a brain transplant.
Oh, Mike! Well, I've got to be getting back.
Remember, all of your guests are meeting over at my house first.
Justin Quigley and Jo are already there.
Oh! Right.
Who's Justin Quigley and Jo? Oh, honey, don't you remember? They're our new grandparents.
We adopted them.
Oh, that's right! The old man that Ma found walking around the street in his pajamas.
Yeah.
Well, I'm taking off.
Wait a minute, Louise! Would you mind taking that off, please, Mike? I want you to look at the cake.
There! What do you think? It's beautiful.
Frank Lorenzo iced it for me.
"Happy 50th birthday, Archie.
" I made up the words myself.
Nice.
Well, save me a big piece, Edith.
Who cares if it ruins this gorgeous sylph-like figure? [LAUGHS.]
Ciao, amigos.
I better hide this in the closet.
Yeah, good idea.
Yeah.
[EDITH GASPING.]
Archie! ARCHIE: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going, huh? Daddy, we didn't expect you home so soon.
Yeah, it's only 10 past 5.
Oh, look at this.
The Meathead finally learned to tell time.
Here I am, Archie! You come running at me like you was a linebacker.
I'm sorry.
What kind of a greeting's that? [SWEETLY.]
Oh, hello, Archie.
But you ain't supposed to be here 'til 6.
All right, so I'm early.
So what? Oh, I told everybody to come at 5:30 so they could surprise you.
And you promised you wouldn't come 'til 6 to be surprised.
How can we surprise you when you're here? You broke your promise to be surprised.
I didn't break my promise.
It was an act of God.
An act of God? That's right, you atheist, you! We shut down early today because there was a power cut.
Oh, well, then, that wasn't God.
That was an act of Con Edison.
Well, who do you think runs Con Edison? You're not gonna say God.
Well, certainly, little girl.
If you knew your Bible, you'd know that.
God said, "Let there be light," and told Edison to invent the bulb.
God's in charge of all the power in this world.
Well, then, you're saying God's responsible for the fuel crisis, right? No, stupid! That's your Arabs.
Ain't God in charge of them too? No! That's your Muhammad.
Muhammad's been in charge of the Arabs ever since God traded them to Muhammad for a mountain.
I didn't think it could be done, but you did it, Arch.
You just killed the Living Bible.
But what are we gonna do about the surprise party? Just forget the surprise, Edith, and give the party.
Oh, no, Archie! Oh, come on, will you? I already had one surprise party today anyhow.
You had a surprise party today? Yeah, down at work.
Oh! And I knew that one was coming too, the minute I seen that jerk Stretch Cunningham in the locker room, trying to put a 6-inch candle on top of a Twinkie.
We got you your favorite cake.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You should have been there, Edith.
All them guys at lunchtime gathering around there, wishing me happy birthday, blowing out the candle there.
It made you proud to be an American.
It must have been hard, cutting up that Twinkie into all them little slices.
Use your common sense.
They shoved it into me in one piece.
The thing that was hard was trying to make believe I was surprised.
I had to say, "What? Who? Me?" Sounds like the social event of the season.
Cut it out, will you? A man's got a right to his Fiftieth, Archie.
No, it ain't 50.
I'm 49.
You're 50, Daddy.
How can I be 50 on my 49th birthday? Because it's your 50th birthday.
No, it ain't! Yes, it is.
Hey there, little girl.
I know how old I am.
And it ain't 50.
Archie, I can prove that you're 50.
How are you gonna do that? It says so on your birthday cake.
"Says so on your birthday cake.
" Well, I'm telling you that the cake is a liar! Arch, what difference does it make whether you're 49 or 50? Ah, get away from me, you.
Don't be trying to shove me over the hill ahead of my time.
Fifty's not over the hill.
Yeah, it's easy for you to say.
You're 26.
Twenty-five.
Daddy, we could have made a mistake.
We could check your birth certificate.
Don't waste your time.
Hey, Ma, where's Daddy's birth certificate? I think it's in the box next to all your baby shoes.
Okay.
Let's settle it.
There ain't nothing to settle, little girl.
I told you, don't waste your time.
Look at the time! The guests will be here any minute! What are we gonna do? Let them in.
No! No, Archie.
We can't.
You're here.
Yeah, I'm here, sure.
Because it's my party.
Arch, don't you see? These parties are not just for the guy being surprised.
See, you're the surprisee.
But these parties are also for the surprisers.
Well, if I'm the surprisee, then ipso fatso, you're the jerkee.
No, Archie, we gotta think of the guests.
Mike's right.
No, he ain't.
Mike is dumb.
What we gotta think of the guests for? All they gotta do is show up with the presents.
But, Arch, it's psychological.
Ha ha ha.
"Psychological"! Once more we hear from Dr.
Sigmund Freus.
Arch, don't you see how upset these people are gonna be if you take away their chance to shout "Surprise"? Yeah, Archie, they've all been looking forward to shouting at you.
GLORIA: Hey, Ma! Is this the box? Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it's in here.
Archie, look! Here's that picture of you in the Army.
"Foggia, Italy, 1944.
" Archie, if we knew how old you were then, we could figure out how old you are now.
I know how old I am now! Forty-nine today.
Now, let's forget this.
Will you do something useful and get me a beer? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, it's them! It's the guests! Come on, you gotta leave! [ALL YELLING.]
GLORIA: Give me your arm.
What do you want me to do? Put on your coat! You gotta go out the back door and in the front like you're coming home from work.
And would you please act surprised? Come on, come on! I can get out the door myself! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
They're at the door! Coming! Coming! Oh, hi! [ALL EXCHANGING GREETINGS.]
Oh, Irene, have you met Mr.
and Mrs.
Quigley? Oh, yeah, sure.
Over at Louise's house.
Only it's still not Mister and Missus, Edith.
Oh, no, we're still not married.
And staying that way.
I'm sorry.
Then this is Mr.
Quigley and Miss Nelson.
No, it's "Ms.
" Ms.
M-S.
Daddy will be here any minute.
So why don't you all sit down and I'll look out the window.
Everybody sit down.
Here he comes! Oh, here he comes! EDITH: Out of sight! You open the door, Gloria.
Oh, okay.
That's right.
Shh! Hi, Daddy! Ma, Daddy's home! ALL: Surprise! Hey, hey, hey.
Jeez.
What? Who? Me? Arch, I just found your birth certificate.
Happy 50th birthday, Arch.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Dear Archie Happy birthday to you [ALL CHEERING.]
You know, I still don't understand.
Why didn't Archie stay? I thought it was his birthday.
I think the surprise was too much for him.
I guess he's just taken a walk around the block.
For two hours? Maybe he's forgotten his way home.
I've found that a lot of youngsters have poor memories nowadays.
Well, he'll be here.
Let's all have a good time.
Well, I'm all for that.
But it seems wrong to have the party without Archie.
I mean, he's the star.
I bet I know what made Archie mad.
Had something to do with his birth certificate.
What do you mean? I think it expired.
Lionel! I'm just kidding.
Sorry, Mrs.
Bunker.
Oh, that's all right, Lionel.
Mike, could I talk to you for a few minutes? Yeah.
Sure, Ma.
Kidding! You're getting to be more like your father every day.
Is your husband really such a joker, Louise? Oh, sure.
You know how far he'll go for a laugh? He's really a white guy.
He only blacks up to make Archie mad.
Oh, Lionel! Ma, I called every place that he might be, and they said they'd phone us if they saw him.
I should never have told him he was 50.
Ma, it's not your fault.
The man looked at his birth certificate, and he couldn't face it.
Well, I'm beginning to worry about him.
What am I gonna do? Don't worry, Ma.
He's all right.
Look, everybody's having a good time in there.
Let's go back in the living room.
Come on.
Really, you ought to hear Mr.
Quigley sing.
He's great.
Oh, no.
Go on, Justin, sing.
Sing "Henry" for them.
Well, all right.
I'll sing, but you've all got to help me out.
All right.
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am Henry the Eighth I am, I am I got married To the widow next door She'd been married Seven times before And every one was a Henry Henry Never had a Willie or a Sam Or a Sam I'm the eighth old man Named Henry Henry Henry the Eighth, I am ALL: I am Everybody this time.
[PHONE RINGING.]
One more time! ALL: I'm Henry the Eighth Ma, telephone for you! Kelsey's.
Ooh.
Hello, Mr.
Kelsey.
Hey, will you get off the phone there, Kelsey, and come and pour me a beer? Sorry to keep you waiting, Arch, but that was kinda important.
Yeah.
It's my birthday.
I got to spend it sitting here looking at you.
Your birthday, huh? Well, seeing this is a special day for you, that is on the house.
Happy birthday to you.
Oh, it's a lousy birthday for me.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry you feel that way, Arch.
Say, how old are you today? Fifty-five? Fifty-six? Hey! KELSEY: What? I'm 49.
No kidding.
Well, you sure could have fooled me! Well, listen, what are you going to do to celebrate? Nothing.
I've been to the movies.
What did you see? Uh The Last Tango in Paris.
Arch, I hear that's kind of sexy, huh? You know, I went in there thinking they was bringing back one of them nice old movies.
You know, Gene Kelly dancing around the Eiffel Tower in a sailor suit.
All I seen was pure pornography.
Well, ain't that sexy? No, it ain't sexy.
The last time they made a sexy picture was with Gloria DeHaven.
Gloria DeHaven made sexy movies? Yeah.
She made sexy movies.
I tell you another one too, Betty Grable.
And she was sexy.
But, you see, her, she never showed you no sex, you know? What do you mean? What do I mean? She left it all in your, what you call, imagination, see? She left it in your mind.
That's where sex ought to be.
No.
Not for me, Arch.
No.
N-n-not for you.
I ain't talking about you.
I'm talking about the movies.
Do you know that they once insured Betty Grable's legs for $1 million? No.
I wouldn't give you two bits for Marlo Brandon's legs.
Or any other parts of him I just seen featured.
I get the feeling you didn't like that movie.
It was so filthy, I nearly walked out of it.
Hey! Hello there, Mrs.
Bunker! Oh, jeez! Hello, Mr.
Kelsey.
And what brings you down here? Well, it was your phone call.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! So that's who you was talking to on the phone there? Ain't nothing sacred no more? Whatever happened to "A man's bar is his castle"? Archie, don't blame Mr.
Kelsey.
Mike called him and asked him to phone us if you came in here.
Oh, the Meathead done that.
I suppose that makes it all right.
Oh, Archie, we was worried about you.
Come on back to the party.
No! I ain't going! Not if I have to be 50.
What are you standing there for? Long as you're here, you might as well sit down.
Hey, Kelsey, bring me over another beer here and an Orange Crush for the missus.
Oh, Archie, everybody's waiting for you.
It's your birthday party.
Listen, that ain't my birthday party.
My birthday is 49.
Fifty! Gee.
Fifty makes me think of all the things I ain't done yet.
Like what, Archie? Oh, I don't know, Edith, a lot of things.
Well, for instance, I never rode a horse.
I never had my picture in the paper.
And I ain't never ate oysters rockefeller.
But you've been to Disney World.
Edith, you just don't know what I'm trying to say to you, do you? Oh, yeah, I think I do, Archie.
I read about it in a magazine.
It said that lots of men go through it at a certain age.
I mean, it's like when I went through the change.
What? You know.
The menopause.
Shush! Here we go.
And this is for our birthday boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was thinking-- Oh, don't do no more of that.
But ain't it funny? When it happens to a woman it's called men-opause.
Edith! Will you please, huh? When it happens to men, maybe it should be called women-pause.
Listen, I ain't going through no change.
That's it! [SIGHS.]
Jeez, it's getting hot in here.
Hey, Kelsey, do you have to keep this joint like a furnace? It ain't that! Oh, Archie! I almost forgot! I brought you your birthday present.
Huh? What? A present? Yeah.
Open it.
See what it is.
Look at the size-- What is it, Edith? It's something you've always wanted.
Oh, yeah? For me? Mm-hmm.
Hey, ain't that nice? The box and all.
Oh, oh.
Oh! Gee, Edith.
Ain't that beautiful? A six-string ukulele.
Just-- Just like Arthur Godfrey's.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Jeez, thanks, Edith.
Happy birthday, Archie! Yeah.
Well, what the hell good is it? I can't play it.
Because God made The stars to shine Because God made The ivy twine Because God made The sky so blue That is the reason Why I love You Oh, take me away.
GLORIA: Oh, Ma, did you find Daddy? Oh, yeah.
I found him.
Where is he? What happened? Didn't he come back with you? No.
Well, what did he say? He said, "Everybody, go home.
The party's over.
" ALL: Oh, no.
Does that mean we can't eat the cake? Then when my kid was six years old-- Oh, gee.
He was in the school nativity play.
Now, he practices all week as the innkeeper.
Then the night they put the show on, he forgets his lines.
When Joseph and Mary ask him if there's any room at the inn, you know what my kid says? No.
What? He says, "Sure, we're empty.
Come on in.
" Come on, Arch.
It's pretty funny.
What's funny? The kid's stupid.
Oh, hi.
KELSEY: Evening, Mr.
Quigley.
Oh, hi there, Quigley.
Hey, where's your girlfriend? Ah, she went home by cab.
I felt like walking.
I want one for the road.
What'll it be? A glass of ripple.
Uh, gee, I think we're out of it.
Oh.
In that case, make it a boilermaker.
Hey there, Quigley, you're out a little bit past your beddy-byes, ain't you? Yeah, but I thought, well, I'm up this late, I may as well hang around for my birthday.
It's your birthday too? At midnight, I'll be 83 years old.
Ooh.
Eighty-three.
Did you hear that? And you're still celebrating birthdays? Looking forward to it.
You know what Jo's giving me tomorrow? A set of French-language records.
You're going to start learning French? Something I always wanted to do.
You mean to tell me you're planning on maybe taking a trip to France? Well, you never know.
You know the old saying, "A rolling stone" Yeah.
"can give you a hell of a bruise.
" Hey, let me ask you something, Quigley.
Did you ever ride a horse? Not 'til I was 63.
Sixty-three? Mmm.
What about a ukulele? I don't think you can ride a ukulele.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, uh, me.
That I was thinking maybe I'd learn how to play one.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You know, play some of them nice songs like "Home on the Range," "South of Your Border.
" "Red Sails in the Sunset.
" Oh, yeah.
Modern stuff.
Mm-hmm.
You ought to hear the songs I was brought up with.
You young sprigs have missed out on a lot of good tunes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You hear what he's calling us here? You and me, young sprigs.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, maybe to him we are young sprigs, huh, Kels? And after all, maybe we are.
Sure.
You know what I'm just thinking now? The best thing to do is not look back at the past at all.
Just get up and move with the times.
Mmm.
I'll try to remember that.
Hey, listen, back at the house, that birthday cake back there.
Did they swallow it all? Oh, no.
They saved a big piece for you.
Yeah? Come on! Let's go get it.
Oh, that won't be necessary.
You just hold on for a minute.
Huh? Hey, come on in, gang! Here we are! ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Archie Happy 50th birthday To you [INAUDIBLE.]
[PLUCKING SOUR NOTES.]
Is it really very hard to learn to play, Archie? Well, certainly it's hard, Edith.
It's a six-string ukulele here.
I only got five fingers.
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
How can you be so sure he'll like being surprised? Oh, he told me.
Huh? When did he say that? Yesterday morning when I asked him.
That-- That means that Daddy knows about his birthday party.
Yeah, it's safer that way.
Look at the time! It's 10 after 5.
The guests will be here in 20 minutes! Twenty minutes? Yeah.
I told them to come at 5:30.
That way we'll be ready to shout "Surprise!" at Archie when he gets home at 6.
Oh.
We'd better get ready.
Oh! Hi, everybody! How are you? Wow! Well, here's Archie's birthday present.
Thank you, Louise.
What a beautiful box! What did you get him, Louise? Oh, it's not my present to Archie.
It's Edith's.
Yeah, Louise kept it over at her house so Archie wouldn't find out what it was.
What is it, Edith? Oh, I can't tell you.
It's a secret.
But it's something Archie has always wanted.
Well, it's too big to be a brain transplant.
Oh, Mike! Well, I've got to be getting back.
Remember, all of your guests are meeting over at my house first.
Justin Quigley and Jo are already there.
Oh! Right.
Who's Justin Quigley and Jo? Oh, honey, don't you remember? They're our new grandparents.
We adopted them.
Oh, that's right! The old man that Ma found walking around the street in his pajamas.
Yeah.
Well, I'm taking off.
Wait a minute, Louise! Would you mind taking that off, please, Mike? I want you to look at the cake.
There! What do you think? It's beautiful.
Frank Lorenzo iced it for me.
"Happy 50th birthday, Archie.
" I made up the words myself.
Nice.
Well, save me a big piece, Edith.
Who cares if it ruins this gorgeous sylph-like figure? [LAUGHS.]
Ciao, amigos.
I better hide this in the closet.
Yeah, good idea.
Yeah.
[EDITH GASPING.]
Archie! ARCHIE: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going, huh? Daddy, we didn't expect you home so soon.
Yeah, it's only 10 past 5.
Oh, look at this.
The Meathead finally learned to tell time.
Here I am, Archie! You come running at me like you was a linebacker.
I'm sorry.
What kind of a greeting's that? [SWEETLY.]
Oh, hello, Archie.
But you ain't supposed to be here 'til 6.
All right, so I'm early.
So what? Oh, I told everybody to come at 5:30 so they could surprise you.
And you promised you wouldn't come 'til 6 to be surprised.
How can we surprise you when you're here? You broke your promise to be surprised.
I didn't break my promise.
It was an act of God.
An act of God? That's right, you atheist, you! We shut down early today because there was a power cut.
Oh, well, then, that wasn't God.
That was an act of Con Edison.
Well, who do you think runs Con Edison? You're not gonna say God.
Well, certainly, little girl.
If you knew your Bible, you'd know that.
God said, "Let there be light," and told Edison to invent the bulb.
God's in charge of all the power in this world.
Well, then, you're saying God's responsible for the fuel crisis, right? No, stupid! That's your Arabs.
Ain't God in charge of them too? No! That's your Muhammad.
Muhammad's been in charge of the Arabs ever since God traded them to Muhammad for a mountain.
I didn't think it could be done, but you did it, Arch.
You just killed the Living Bible.
But what are we gonna do about the surprise party? Just forget the surprise, Edith, and give the party.
Oh, no, Archie! Oh, come on, will you? I already had one surprise party today anyhow.
You had a surprise party today? Yeah, down at work.
Oh! And I knew that one was coming too, the minute I seen that jerk Stretch Cunningham in the locker room, trying to put a 6-inch candle on top of a Twinkie.
We got you your favorite cake.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You should have been there, Edith.
All them guys at lunchtime gathering around there, wishing me happy birthday, blowing out the candle there.
It made you proud to be an American.
It must have been hard, cutting up that Twinkie into all them little slices.
Use your common sense.
They shoved it into me in one piece.
The thing that was hard was trying to make believe I was surprised.
I had to say, "What? Who? Me?" Sounds like the social event of the season.
Cut it out, will you? A man's got a right to his Fiftieth, Archie.
No, it ain't 50.
I'm 49.
You're 50, Daddy.
How can I be 50 on my 49th birthday? Because it's your 50th birthday.
No, it ain't! Yes, it is.
Hey there, little girl.
I know how old I am.
And it ain't 50.
Archie, I can prove that you're 50.
How are you gonna do that? It says so on your birthday cake.
"Says so on your birthday cake.
" Well, I'm telling you that the cake is a liar! Arch, what difference does it make whether you're 49 or 50? Ah, get away from me, you.
Don't be trying to shove me over the hill ahead of my time.
Fifty's not over the hill.
Yeah, it's easy for you to say.
You're 26.
Twenty-five.
Daddy, we could have made a mistake.
We could check your birth certificate.
Don't waste your time.
Hey, Ma, where's Daddy's birth certificate? I think it's in the box next to all your baby shoes.
Okay.
Let's settle it.
There ain't nothing to settle, little girl.
I told you, don't waste your time.
Look at the time! The guests will be here any minute! What are we gonna do? Let them in.
No! No, Archie.
We can't.
You're here.
Yeah, I'm here, sure.
Because it's my party.
Arch, don't you see? These parties are not just for the guy being surprised.
See, you're the surprisee.
But these parties are also for the surprisers.
Well, if I'm the surprisee, then ipso fatso, you're the jerkee.
No, Archie, we gotta think of the guests.
Mike's right.
No, he ain't.
Mike is dumb.
What we gotta think of the guests for? All they gotta do is show up with the presents.
But, Arch, it's psychological.
Ha ha ha.
"Psychological"! Once more we hear from Dr.
Sigmund Freus.
Arch, don't you see how upset these people are gonna be if you take away their chance to shout "Surprise"? Yeah, Archie, they've all been looking forward to shouting at you.
GLORIA: Hey, Ma! Is this the box? Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it's in here.
Archie, look! Here's that picture of you in the Army.
"Foggia, Italy, 1944.
" Archie, if we knew how old you were then, we could figure out how old you are now.
I know how old I am now! Forty-nine today.
Now, let's forget this.
Will you do something useful and get me a beer? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, it's them! It's the guests! Come on, you gotta leave! [ALL YELLING.]
GLORIA: Give me your arm.
What do you want me to do? Put on your coat! You gotta go out the back door and in the front like you're coming home from work.
And would you please act surprised? Come on, come on! I can get out the door myself! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
They're at the door! Coming! Coming! Oh, hi! [ALL EXCHANGING GREETINGS.]
Oh, Irene, have you met Mr.
and Mrs.
Quigley? Oh, yeah, sure.
Over at Louise's house.
Only it's still not Mister and Missus, Edith.
Oh, no, we're still not married.
And staying that way.
I'm sorry.
Then this is Mr.
Quigley and Miss Nelson.
No, it's "Ms.
" Ms.
M-S.
Daddy will be here any minute.
So why don't you all sit down and I'll look out the window.
Everybody sit down.
Here he comes! Oh, here he comes! EDITH: Out of sight! You open the door, Gloria.
Oh, okay.
That's right.
Shh! Hi, Daddy! Ma, Daddy's home! ALL: Surprise! Hey, hey, hey.
Jeez.
What? Who? Me? Arch, I just found your birth certificate.
Happy 50th birthday, Arch.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Dear Archie Happy birthday to you [ALL CHEERING.]
You know, I still don't understand.
Why didn't Archie stay? I thought it was his birthday.
I think the surprise was too much for him.
I guess he's just taken a walk around the block.
For two hours? Maybe he's forgotten his way home.
I've found that a lot of youngsters have poor memories nowadays.
Well, he'll be here.
Let's all have a good time.
Well, I'm all for that.
But it seems wrong to have the party without Archie.
I mean, he's the star.
I bet I know what made Archie mad.
Had something to do with his birth certificate.
What do you mean? I think it expired.
Lionel! I'm just kidding.
Sorry, Mrs.
Bunker.
Oh, that's all right, Lionel.
Mike, could I talk to you for a few minutes? Yeah.
Sure, Ma.
Kidding! You're getting to be more like your father every day.
Is your husband really such a joker, Louise? Oh, sure.
You know how far he'll go for a laugh? He's really a white guy.
He only blacks up to make Archie mad.
Oh, Lionel! Ma, I called every place that he might be, and they said they'd phone us if they saw him.
I should never have told him he was 50.
Ma, it's not your fault.
The man looked at his birth certificate, and he couldn't face it.
Well, I'm beginning to worry about him.
What am I gonna do? Don't worry, Ma.
He's all right.
Look, everybody's having a good time in there.
Let's go back in the living room.
Come on.
Really, you ought to hear Mr.
Quigley sing.
He's great.
Oh, no.
Go on, Justin, sing.
Sing "Henry" for them.
Well, all right.
I'll sing, but you've all got to help me out.
All right.
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am Henry the Eighth I am, I am I got married To the widow next door She'd been married Seven times before And every one was a Henry Henry Never had a Willie or a Sam Or a Sam I'm the eighth old man Named Henry Henry Henry the Eighth, I am ALL: I am Everybody this time.
[PHONE RINGING.]
One more time! ALL: I'm Henry the Eighth Ma, telephone for you! Kelsey's.
Ooh.
Hello, Mr.
Kelsey.
Hey, will you get off the phone there, Kelsey, and come and pour me a beer? Sorry to keep you waiting, Arch, but that was kinda important.
Yeah.
It's my birthday.
I got to spend it sitting here looking at you.
Your birthday, huh? Well, seeing this is a special day for you, that is on the house.
Happy birthday to you.
Oh, it's a lousy birthday for me.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry you feel that way, Arch.
Say, how old are you today? Fifty-five? Fifty-six? Hey! KELSEY: What? I'm 49.
No kidding.
Well, you sure could have fooled me! Well, listen, what are you going to do to celebrate? Nothing.
I've been to the movies.
What did you see? Uh The Last Tango in Paris.
Arch, I hear that's kind of sexy, huh? You know, I went in there thinking they was bringing back one of them nice old movies.
You know, Gene Kelly dancing around the Eiffel Tower in a sailor suit.
All I seen was pure pornography.
Well, ain't that sexy? No, it ain't sexy.
The last time they made a sexy picture was with Gloria DeHaven.
Gloria DeHaven made sexy movies? Yeah.
She made sexy movies.
I tell you another one too, Betty Grable.
And she was sexy.
But, you see, her, she never showed you no sex, you know? What do you mean? What do I mean? She left it all in your, what you call, imagination, see? She left it in your mind.
That's where sex ought to be.
No.
Not for me, Arch.
No.
N-n-not for you.
I ain't talking about you.
I'm talking about the movies.
Do you know that they once insured Betty Grable's legs for $1 million? No.
I wouldn't give you two bits for Marlo Brandon's legs.
Or any other parts of him I just seen featured.
I get the feeling you didn't like that movie.
It was so filthy, I nearly walked out of it.
Hey! Hello there, Mrs.
Bunker! Oh, jeez! Hello, Mr.
Kelsey.
And what brings you down here? Well, it was your phone call.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! So that's who you was talking to on the phone there? Ain't nothing sacred no more? Whatever happened to "A man's bar is his castle"? Archie, don't blame Mr.
Kelsey.
Mike called him and asked him to phone us if you came in here.
Oh, the Meathead done that.
I suppose that makes it all right.
Oh, Archie, we was worried about you.
Come on back to the party.
No! I ain't going! Not if I have to be 50.
What are you standing there for? Long as you're here, you might as well sit down.
Hey, Kelsey, bring me over another beer here and an Orange Crush for the missus.
Oh, Archie, everybody's waiting for you.
It's your birthday party.
Listen, that ain't my birthday party.
My birthday is 49.
Fifty! Gee.
Fifty makes me think of all the things I ain't done yet.
Like what, Archie? Oh, I don't know, Edith, a lot of things.
Well, for instance, I never rode a horse.
I never had my picture in the paper.
And I ain't never ate oysters rockefeller.
But you've been to Disney World.
Edith, you just don't know what I'm trying to say to you, do you? Oh, yeah, I think I do, Archie.
I read about it in a magazine.
It said that lots of men go through it at a certain age.
I mean, it's like when I went through the change.
What? You know.
The menopause.
Shush! Here we go.
And this is for our birthday boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was thinking-- Oh, don't do no more of that.
But ain't it funny? When it happens to a woman it's called men-opause.
Edith! Will you please, huh? When it happens to men, maybe it should be called women-pause.
Listen, I ain't going through no change.
That's it! [SIGHS.]
Jeez, it's getting hot in here.
Hey, Kelsey, do you have to keep this joint like a furnace? It ain't that! Oh, Archie! I almost forgot! I brought you your birthday present.
Huh? What? A present? Yeah.
Open it.
See what it is.
Look at the size-- What is it, Edith? It's something you've always wanted.
Oh, yeah? For me? Mm-hmm.
Hey, ain't that nice? The box and all.
Oh, oh.
Oh! Gee, Edith.
Ain't that beautiful? A six-string ukulele.
Just-- Just like Arthur Godfrey's.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Jeez, thanks, Edith.
Happy birthday, Archie! Yeah.
Well, what the hell good is it? I can't play it.
Because God made The stars to shine Because God made The ivy twine Because God made The sky so blue That is the reason Why I love You Oh, take me away.
GLORIA: Oh, Ma, did you find Daddy? Oh, yeah.
I found him.
Where is he? What happened? Didn't he come back with you? No.
Well, what did he say? He said, "Everybody, go home.
The party's over.
" ALL: Oh, no.
Does that mean we can't eat the cake? Then when my kid was six years old-- Oh, gee.
He was in the school nativity play.
Now, he practices all week as the innkeeper.
Then the night they put the show on, he forgets his lines.
When Joseph and Mary ask him if there's any room at the inn, you know what my kid says? No.
What? He says, "Sure, we're empty.
Come on in.
" Come on, Arch.
It's pretty funny.
What's funny? The kid's stupid.
Oh, hi.
KELSEY: Evening, Mr.
Quigley.
Oh, hi there, Quigley.
Hey, where's your girlfriend? Ah, she went home by cab.
I felt like walking.
I want one for the road.
What'll it be? A glass of ripple.
Uh, gee, I think we're out of it.
Oh.
In that case, make it a boilermaker.
Hey there, Quigley, you're out a little bit past your beddy-byes, ain't you? Yeah, but I thought, well, I'm up this late, I may as well hang around for my birthday.
It's your birthday too? At midnight, I'll be 83 years old.
Ooh.
Eighty-three.
Did you hear that? And you're still celebrating birthdays? Looking forward to it.
You know what Jo's giving me tomorrow? A set of French-language records.
You're going to start learning French? Something I always wanted to do.
You mean to tell me you're planning on maybe taking a trip to France? Well, you never know.
You know the old saying, "A rolling stone" Yeah.
"can give you a hell of a bruise.
" Hey, let me ask you something, Quigley.
Did you ever ride a horse? Not 'til I was 63.
Sixty-three? Mmm.
What about a ukulele? I don't think you can ride a ukulele.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, uh, me.
That I was thinking maybe I'd learn how to play one.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You know, play some of them nice songs like "Home on the Range," "South of Your Border.
" "Red Sails in the Sunset.
" Oh, yeah.
Modern stuff.
Mm-hmm.
You ought to hear the songs I was brought up with.
You young sprigs have missed out on a lot of good tunes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You hear what he's calling us here? You and me, young sprigs.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, maybe to him we are young sprigs, huh, Kels? And after all, maybe we are.
Sure.
You know what I'm just thinking now? The best thing to do is not look back at the past at all.
Just get up and move with the times.
Mmm.
I'll try to remember that.
Hey, listen, back at the house, that birthday cake back there.
Did they swallow it all? Oh, no.
They saved a big piece for you.
Yeah? Come on! Let's go get it.
Oh, that won't be necessary.
You just hold on for a minute.
Huh? Hey, come on in, gang! Here we are! ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Archie Happy 50th birthday To you [INAUDIBLE.]
[PLUCKING SOUR NOTES.]
Is it really very hard to learn to play, Archie? Well, certainly it's hard, Edith.
It's a six-string ukulele here.
I only got five fingers.
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.