Empty Nest (1988) s04e17 Episode Script

Laverne? Are you in there? Laverne? Uh uh, sorry, dear, Mrs.
bender, uh, I'll be right with you.
Just, uh.
Just have to find your file.
Here we go.
Here we go Bender, Sarah.
All right.
Outta my way I'm a-late, dang burnit! Morning, doctor.
Laverne, what happened to you? I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Excuse me, I've got coffee to make.
Well, wait, wait, whoa! Forget the coffee.
What happened to you? Oh, this? I fell off my roof.
Regular or decaf? No.
No.
Never mind that.
What were you doing on the roof? Well, I's paintin' the eaves.
My landlord, Mr.
yevin, takes a couple of hundred bucks off the rent.
I do it every year, and what with you pay me, I need all the help I can get.
Well, you should be home resting.
I'll call the agency, get somebody to fill in.
It is just a broken tibia and a fractured radius.
No big deal.
Laverne, you're injured.
I want you to go home.
That's why you have sick leave.
Doctor, I have worked for you for six years, eight month and three weeks.
How many times have I called in sick? - Um - None.
I have never missed a day's work in my life.
My mama and my daddy worked nearly 50 odd years a piece.
They never missed a day's work.
My grandparents never missed a day's work, and my grandma's been sucked through a combine three times.
The point is, the higby people do not miss work.
Now, just because I have a broken leg, and a fractured radius, and a little lead poisonin', does not mean I'm upset my ancestral record.
You have lead poisoning too? Mr.
yevin makes me use old paint, and when that five-gallon bucket hit me on the head, a little dripped in my mouth.
Now, that reminds me, if I start a-retchin' and/or convulsin', just let me be.
They said it'd stop in a moment or two.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have coffee to make.
Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on I know.
Just think of yourself in a hot tub.
You've had too much chardonnay.
You took a valium.
You start to slip away, slowly, peacefully.
It's been a rough life, anyway.
Wandering the ocean floor, eating the crap off rocks that other sea life won't touch.
Don't look down.
Barbara! Please, I feel guilty enough about this.
Why don't we just take aunt Susan out to dinner? My aunt Susan has been eating out for the last 20 years, she should have a home-cooked meal.
You know, I really like her, I just wish she'd settle down so we could see more of her.
And why can't you put out regular appetizers like normal human beings? My hors d'oeuvres tell a saga, Barbara.
They're my interpretation of aunt Susan's life story as told with very expensive foodstuffs.
You are so weird.
Our story starts out with the untimely death of aunt Susan's wealthy, industrialist husband, Oh, that explains the little cessna scattered across the mountain of pate.
Right.
And then we follow her as she travels the globe, moving from one philanthropic deed to the next, helping refugees, victims of disaster, meeting world leader after world leader.
And what are those little wieners represent? The Warren commission.
Aunt Susan was one of the very first to call their findings absurd.
Boy, mom and aunt Susan were different.
I mean, aunt Susan traveled the world, and mom was such a homebody.
It's hard to believe they were sisters.
I've heard the same thing said about us, Barbara.
You heard it from me, Carol.
Good evening, ladies.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi.
No aunt Susan yet? Figures.
Carol, look, this looks marvelous.
Daddy, you just ate a boatload full of starving Haitians.
There she is.
All right.
How do I look? Older than me.
It's aunt Susan.
Aunt Susan! Look at look at you! Is there a doctor in the house? Depends, do you have insurance? - How the hell are you, Harry? - Same ole, same ole.
- Oh, good.
- Aunt Susan, you look terrific.
Welcome home.
Oh oh, I almost forgot.
This is Roberto.
Oh my god, Roberto chulec.
You're the El salvadoran dissident who was jailed for seven years.
I am moved, sir.
- Gracias.
- Ah, Carol, that's aunt Susan, all your work paid off.
Roberto chulec is free! - Ah - Carol, he's a cabdriver.
So? Lech walesa was an electrician.
God, you are such snob, Barbara.
This man captured the hearts of his nation, no, the world, when he stood up to the dictatorial regime and said what was it you said? Where do you want your bags, lady? But, my biggest thrill was when I was on stage with Paul McCartney at the amnesty international concert, and I got a standing ovation.
A standing ovation? Yeah, I pulled the plug on Linda McCartney's mic in the middle of hey Jude.
Oh, you have met some great people.
I bet you've met some really fascinating men.
Well, there have been a few along the way since Albert passed on, but my work keeps me very busy.
Takes a very understanding man to date your aunt Susan.
I mean, she never knows when some lizard is going to call up saying he's about to become extinct.
Very funny, Harry.
I'll put the coffee on.
Maybe living with your uncle Albert spoiled me, but I think most men are just like children.
Hi, there.
You must be aunt Susan.
I'm Charles dietz.
Oh, don't worry about that, that's just a little blistex.
I got this sore on my lip.
Charley, you weren't invited.
Go home.
Delicious.
What are these? Can't you tell? Those are victims of the worst earthquake in Armenia.
Tastes like chicken.
You know, you and I have a lot in common.
I'm a world traveler, you're a world traveler.
You've devoted your life to charity.
I'm involved with a charity for the advancement of little people.
The advancement of little people? Yeah.
Dwarf tossing.
I'm the guest of honor down at o'Riley's.
I get to throw out the first dwarf.
It's for charity.
That's charity? Sure.
The money goes to patch the little fellas up.
God, it feels good to give.
Well, you're pretty good at this.
Yeah.
Well, we've got a system.
Carol cooks, I scrape.
Barbara loads the dishwasher and dreyfuss what's the matter, Harry? Nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
What makes you think something's the matter? Well, you haven't said two words to me all evening.
What's bothering you, Harry? Where the hell have you been, Susan? What? You traipse in here after eight years as if it were yesterday? You want me to leave? No.
No, I don't want you to go.
Why didn't you come to Libby's funeral? Harry, I told you, I was tied to a tree in the Amazon.
You tied yourself to the tree, Susan.
The rain forest could have waited for you to bury your sister.
I know, you're right.
I just couldn't deal with it.
I can't deal with it now.
I i i can't believe it's real.
It's not real to me.
We're family.
We're here to help each other through those rough times.
You're part of this family, Susan, and we've missed you.
I've missed you too Harry.
That's why I'm here.
I guess I've been away too long.
Come here.
We're glad you finally came home, dear.
You know, you should know that Libby was very, very proud of her little sister.
Sometimes I think she envied you.
Sometimes I envied her.
- Oh.
- Oh, good.
You guys are still up.
I just wanted to let you know that your words had a profound effect upon me.
I did not go to the dwarf tossing contest.
You were right.
It was cheap, degrading, and totally insensitive.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
So I picked up a couple of fat babes, got 'em dru I just wanted to say good night.
Oh, good night, honey.
- Are you still working? - Ah.
This is your vacation.
You should be relaxing.
I know, but if I'm not doing something, I just go crazy.
I can't stop fidgeting.
Drives everyone nuts.
Mother Teresa once tried to punch me out.
Have you ever tried those subliminal relaxation tapes? I use them every night to go to sleep.
Do you still have trouble sleeping? Yes.
I remember when you were a little girl.
You would lie awake all night and be afraid that there'd be a man in your room.
Yeah.
Now, I lie awake wondering why there isn't one.
Listen, your father was telling me about this hunger project.
It's called the Miami food exchange.
- Yeah.
- We set up booths around those places where people buy food by the case, that way they're inclined to give more since they already have so much.
Our food donations went up 29%.
Hmm! It's amazing.
What? You know who you remind me of? Please, don't say emo Philips with breasts.
It's just I was thinking of someone more in the immediate family.
Oh, yeah.
My mother.
People say it's the eyes.
No, Barbara reminds me of your mother.
You remind me of me.
- I do? - Yes.
Carol, are you happy with your life? Well, I'm down to twice a week with Dr.
Grossman, if that's what you mean.
I mean, you do all these wonderful things.
You care about the earth, you care about people, maybe you'd be happier if you could do all these lovely things on a grander scale.
What do you mean? I want you to come and work for me.
- I could use you.
- Me? Well, what could I do? I mean, I wouldn't know how to act around all those famous people.
Well, that's what I thought, when I first started.
I thought, what could I possibly have to offer? But one person can make a difference.
If it's the right person.
And you think I'm the right person? I know you're the right person.
Oh, aunt Susan.
Oh.
I'll never get to sleep tonight.
Of course, I'll come.
I've been called.
I will serve.
That's nice, dear.
I will not rest until every mouth is fed, till every tear is wiped, till every wound is healed.
- Good.
- I will raise my sword to fight world hunger, and my staff shall quell injustice until there is an end to all world suffering.
Where do I start? Why don't you start with a vow of silence? Owee, daddy! Owee! Honey, that was a cotton swab.
I haven't even I haven't even given you the shot yet.
How many injections to I have to get? Eight.
Oh, let me give her six.
No, no, Barbara, I'm giving her the injections.
You're just here to torment her.
And you're doing a very good job.
Are all these shots really necessary, daddy? Honey, you're going to Africa.
Have you ever seen an African mosquito? They're this big.
Maybe they'll carry you away.
- Stop it.
- Oh, that reminds me.
Laverne.
Laverne.
Where are those malaria pills I ordered? Keep your smock on.
Ow! How many more, daddy? Listen.
Honey, it's gonna be worth it.
You're gonna be able to see the whole world, and Susan'll get a chance to know you better.
It's gonna be good for the two of you.
Hey, daddy, let me give her the big shot with the humongous needle.
Barbara, wait in the car.
But, she hasn't even cried yet.
Barbara.
Get out! Ow! How long do you think you'll be gone? Aunt Susan says at least six months.
Oh.
Oh, what? Oh, what? I'm gonna miss you.
Now, daddy, I'm not your little girl anymore.
Good, then that will be $475 for the shots.
Oh, daddy I love you so much.
And I promise, rain, shine, famine, or pestilence, I will write you every day.
Oh, god, this is so exciting.
I am so lucky.
I mean, who would have ever thought I would get to see pestilence firsthand? Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much.
What am I gonna do without you? I wonder if my hair will turn back to its original color? Ah, you're such Don't don't cry, Carol.
Carol, you don't leave for two days.
Daddy, it's not that.
You're squeezing my arm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Laverne.
Laverne, what's keeping you? Laverne? Hi.
That's it, Laverne.
No more discussion.
I'm driving you home right now.
Well, that's easier said than done.
My butt's stuck in a puddle of cough syrup.
Hey, aunt Susan.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Oh, I can't believe you're all grown up, and you are a police officer.
Yeah.
I usually work undercover.
You know, in many societies, prostitution is not only tolerated, it's thought of as an honorable profession.
Oh, no.
I'm not going to work now.
I'm going to meet a friend for a drink.
Oh.
Oh.
You know, it is a little chilly out tonight.
I think I will change.
I thought you weren't working tonight.
Shut up! I have had the most traumatic day.
I've been to four banana republics, not one of them has a pith helmet.
Well, I have a spare one.
It was marlin perkin's.
We spent an evening together while Jim was off wrestling a croc.
I am so glad you're here, aunt Susan.
You know, after mom died, I felt so lost.
I guess I just missed talking to her most of all.
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this time with you.
Right.
Right.
Well, first first, we've got that food airlift to Kenya, and then it's off to distribute powdered milk to Tanzania.
And while the two of us are trudging the plains of the serengeti, we'll finally get a chance to get to know each other.
You know, Carol, we're going to be working so hard and so many long hours, we're not going to have much time for all that.
Well, we'll make the time.
I mean, this trip is not about us bonding.
It's about us helping people.
Well, why can't it be about both? Why did you ask me on this trip, aunt Susan? Because I need someone like you to help me.
Someone like me, or me? Come on, Carol.
Let's, you know, just drop it.
No, I don't want to drop it.
What is it you want from me? Well, guess I want to know that I'm not just a hired hand.
I'm your family, and I love you.
Don't you love me? Or, are you just not able to show it? Carol, I've spent my life showing my love for people I know.
Thousands of people, and that's great.
But, when it comes down to loving just one, I think it scares the hell out of you.
Well, I was wrong.
I was wrong about you.
You're not like me at all.
You're just like your mother.
And I miss your mother very much.
Oh, god.
She makes everyone cry.
Good morning, aunt Susan.
Aunt Susan? Morning, baby.
No breakfast for me, I got to break in a temp nurse.
What's the matter? "My dearest Carol, "urgent matters have called me away.
"There was truly no time for long good-byes.
"We'll have to postpone our work in Kenya "for the time being.
"Tell Harry and Barbara I appreciate their hospitality.
"I hope this check will find its way "to good use for your Miami food exchange.
I'll be in touch.
Love, aunt Susan.
" Well, $5,000.
She freaked out.
I thought I got to her last night.
I thought I turned her around.
Honey, you can't turn a lifetime around in one night.
The way your aunt lives, that's the way she wants it.
I wanted so much for her to love me.
Baby, she does love you.
As much as she could love anybody.
Maybe more.
It just seems so sad.
Yeah, in a way, it is.
I am so sorry about your plans.
I know how disappointed you must be.
Anything I can do for you? Just tell me that you love me.
- I love you.
- Oh, I love you too, daddy.
I love my baby.
- Oh.
- Oh, god! She's staying.
Are you Dr.
Weston? Yes.
You must be from the agency.
We have a slight problem.
Morning, doctor.
- Laverne? - No, it's Willard Scott.
Of course, it's me.
Laverne, what did you How did you well, let's just say I was up till 5:30 this morning, and I owe Jeff over at the cable company a big favor.
And I wasn't about to let you stand in the way of the higby record.
Now, first of all, you're late.
And second of all, this Nurse hadn't done dag-gum thing I told her to do.
Let me warn you I had physically removed the on/off switch from the monitor.
And I've exposed a few bare wires near the plug should anyone try to disrupt this transmission.
Boy, she's scary.
You're damn straight, missy.
Now, first of all, you got the rosenthal boy at 8:30.
His mama's worried 'cause he swallowed the head of a mop.
Hey.
Who turned the lights off? What's a-goin' on? Hey! Life is good.
Hey? Hey? What are you doing? What you lookin' at, boy? This is a place of business, not a saloon.
Give me the bottle.
I said, now! She's baaack.