Get Smart (1965) s04e17 Episode Script

( bell tolling ) ( barking ) ( grunts ) Oh! Ahh! ( man screams ) That's the Tequila Mockingbird, 99.
According to legend, that object is worth a fortune in diamonds, rubies and pearls.
So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Pomiter his life.
The millionaire art collector? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird? Several times.
When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailor in the city of Tequila, Mexico.
Then 10 years later, it was stolen by a Chinese accountant.
At the age of 52, Pomiter was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut.
Then 10 years later, it mysteriously disappeared again.
He spent the next 50 years searching for it.
You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max.
- How did he die? - Old age.
( guitar, castanets playing ) You mean you had me come all the way down here, and you haven't got it? I had it yesterday.
I had it this morning.
But now I don't got it.
KAOS has authorized me to pay you $500,000 upon delivery.
$500,000? You'll agree to that amount, Valdez.
If you're trying to hold out for more, I warn you-- No, no, I assure you, Señor Dietrick, the price is right.
Chihuahua, that's more than I make all year.
Then give me the Tequila Mockingbird.
I told you, I don't got it.
But I gonna get it back.
- Who does have it? - I don't know.
When I got in possession of the Mockingbird, I knew I must hide it in a safe place.
So that's when I put it under my pillow.
You kept it under your pillow? Sí.
I was gonna put it under my bed, but I sleep on the floor.
When I awoke from my siesta, the Mockingbird was gone.
What are you doing, Valdez? I'm beating on the table.
I know that, it's the way you're doing it.
I'm just keeping time with the castanets.
Wait a minute.
She's sending a message with those castanets.
You know who she works for? Western Union? She's a CONTROL agent.
She's telling them that she has the Mockingbird.
Call her over to the table.
Oh, later, señor, I don't want to disappoint the customers.
We must prevent her from telling CONTROL where it is.
Ah, but if she tells CONTROL where it is hidden, then we will know where it is hidden.
And CONTROL will have every one of their agents swarming all over the place.
I'll take my chance on finding it myself without her help.
- Kill her.
- Now? - Now.
- But she's coming to the best part.
- Do it! - Sí.
That's fantastic, Chief-- castanets as a receiving device.
That's right, Max.
At this very moment down in Mira Loma, Mexico, one of our CONTROL agents is sending us a message in Morse code on her castanets.
You getting everything, Larrabee? Wait a minute, Chief, there's something wrong.
What is it? The castanets have gone dead, sir.
How much of the message did you get before she stopped sending? Larrabee: "KAOS is onto me.
Man named Dietrick and Mira Loma Chief of Police Valdez know who I am.
Mockingbird is hidden in the--" that's all I got.
They must've stopped her before she could tell us where the Mockingbird's hidden.
Poor girl, she was an excellent agent.
Wait a minute, Chief.
Don't jump to conclusions.
It may not be what it looks like.
After all, the girl may have caught her finger in one of the castanets.
I've seen it happen before.
Not this girl, Max.
She's an expert.
Oh, really? So was Chico Mendoza.
Mendoza? Was he with CONTROL? No, with Trini Lopez.
( theme music playing ) Hi, Chief.
You wanted to see me? Yes, Max.
I want you and 99 to take over the Tequila Mockingbird assignment immediately.
Aw, Chief, we wanted to go away for the weekend.
You are going away-- to Mira Loma, Mexico.
Any more messages from down there, Chief? No, but we must assume the worst.
Max, we've got to do everything we can to keep that Tequila Mockingbird out of the hands of KAOS at any price.
We've booked 99 into the cantina.
She's replacing Esperanza.
Chief, this plane ticket says "Rosita Delgado.
" - Is that my cover? - No, that's 99's cover.
You're going as Dr.
Earl J Liebecker.
Oh.
Well, where's my plane ticket, Chief? Max, Dr.
Liebecker is discredited, down and out.
You'll have to get down there any way you can.
Well, I'll need some expense money, Chief.
Cash in that train ticket I gave you.
What train ticket? Didn't I give you a train ticket to Tacoma? No, you didn't give me a train ticket to Tacoma.
You gave me a tramway ticket to Tehachapi.
Now stop it right there.
I don't want to get involved in any of those tongue twisters with you.
The last time I did it, I couldn't talk for two days.
Can't we cash 99's plane ticket in and then we can both go down by train? No, because I want 99 to be in Mira Loma, Mexico, ahead of you.
Max, I'll arrange transportation for you, but I don't want you to take it personally.
( donkey brays ) Buenos dias, señor.
Oh.
Que sera, sera.
Boy, were my feet parched.
My card, señor.
"Earl J Liebecker, MD.
" "MD," what does this stand for? Eh? Oh Maryland.
Ignacio Valdez, Chief of Police-- I'm very pleased to meet you-- - and mayor-- - Well, that's very nice-- - and city clerk - Yes, well, you-- and superintendent of schools, cardinal, justice of the peace, dog catcher, tax collector and librarian.
Really? Where do you get time for all that? We ain't got no library.
Welcome to Mira Loma.
You will find this village very hospitable.
And here we do not ask questions.
I'm glad to hear that.
What are you doing here? Oh, yes.
Well, you see I'm a doctor, and I thought you might need a little medical assistance in case a plague came through here.
Plague? ( laughs ) We have not had plague here for four months, señor.
Oh, is that what happened to all the people? No, it was like this before the plague.
In this village there is not much opportunity for young people.
So they are born here, they are raised here, then they go off to the big city.
- Where is that? - North Mira Loma, two miles up the road.
Oh, yes.
Well, tell me, where can a fella get a drink around here? You were just standing in it.
Yes.
I mean the hard stuff.
Ah, the cantina.
You will find the prices low, and it is very shady.
That's exactly what the AMA said about me.
Hasta la - Vista.
- Hasta la whatever that is.
Yes, sir, the one thing you never wanna do is to pull a horse's tooth when he's standing up.
- Señor.
- Ah, Señor Valdez.
Join me in a drink.
Say when.
When.
- Hasta la - Vista.
Yeah, vista, yes.
Señor Liebecker, I was talking to the head of the tourist bureau, and he told me to tell you you are welcome to stay here for as long as you like.
That's very considerate of you.
Who told you I was head of the turista bureau? Yes, well the owner of the cantina told me.
I did not.
Yes, well, how about another drink? No, thank you.
There's a gentleman here who would like very much to meet you.
Oh, that'll be my pleasure.
( loud ding ) Señor Dietrick, Dr.
Liebecker.
Please sit down, Doctor.
Oh, sorry about that.
- ( glass breaks ) - So you are a doctor, Señor Liebecker? Are you a specialist? Specialist? No, no, no.
I don't believe that a doctor should be a specialist.
And why not? Why not? Yes.
I had a friend once who went to a big specialist.
He was a liver specialist.
He treated this friend of mine for liver trouble for 12 years.
Then this friend of mine finally died of kidney trouble.
And how good a doctor are you? I may not be the greatest doctor in the world, but I'll say this-- if I treat you for liver trouble, you'll die of liver trouble.
And it doesn't take Pfft! Right into the ground.
You shouldn't drink so much tequila, Doctor.
Oh, this stuff doesn't bother me at all.
Look how steady my hand is.
You get a lot of these earthquakes around here? Well, salut.
You forgot to open your mouth, Doctor.
Yes, I did that deliberately.
See, I decided that I'd had enough.
What do you do around this town for excitement? Tonight we have our big opening.
( sings softly ) ( knocking ) ( gasps ) Max! - Gimme a hand, 99.
- Right, Max.
Oh, no! Oh, Max, I'm so glad to see you.
How's everything going, 99? Any leads? Not a trace of Esperanza or the Tequila Mockingbird.
Max, this is her dressing room.
When I came in, it was in absolute shambles.
Valdez and Dietrick really gave it a going over.
- Did you search everywhere? - Absolutely everywhere.
I don't understand it, 99.
But one thing's for certain-- if Dietrick is still hanging around, that means they haven't found the Tequila Mockingbird.
Esperanza's too good an agent.
She would've left some clue as to where she hid the Mockingbird.
- ( knocking ) - Quien es? Man: Señorita, listo en cinco minuto, por favor.
Tell him to slip it under the door.
No, Max, he's telling me that I'm on in five minutes.
Gracias! You stay here, 99.
I'm going to the cantina and mix with the customers.
Keep your eyes open.
- Be careful, Max.
- Don't worry about me, 99.
- They really think I'm a doctor.
- How do you know that? Valdez asked me to go out and play golf with him next Wednesday.
- Valdez, the Chief of Police? - No, Valdez the golf pro.
( gasps ) Max, look! Boy, whoever swatted that fly wasn't fooling around.
Max, it's a package.
I'll bet this is the clue we've been looking for.
I just hope it isn't fish and chips.
It's an axe.
You may be right, 99.
Look, someone's printed a red "W" on it.
A red "W" on an axe? - Of co-- - ( gasps ) That's it, 99, a red "W" on an axe.
Now all we have to do is look for a red-headed fireman whose first name begins with a "W.
" A red-headed fireman in Mira Loma? A red-headed Boy Scout? Esperanza must've gambled that this axe would fall into our hands and not KAOS's.
Of course, so she protected herself by very cleverly disguising it as a clue.
Señorita, I-- forgive me, I did not know you had company.
( Spanish accent ) I have asked the doctor to look at my throat.
It has been bothering me.
( coughs ) Yes, it's nothing to be concerned about, Miss Delgado.
You have a slight inflammation there.
I would just suggest that you do not use your throat unnecessarily, and before you go to bed tonight, just take this.
"A hot bath.
" Good luck.
I'll be out there tonight watching you.
Gracias.
Whenever you are ready, señorita.
The customers, they are growing impatient.
- Momentito.
- Sí.
AX.
Of course! Wax! But the "W" is red.
Red wax.
That's it! The table with the red candle must be the clue to where the Mockingbird's hidden! What is that? An answer to my inquiry.
It just arrived.
Well? More than we expected.
It seems Dr.
Earl J Liebecker is none other than CONTROL agent Maxwell Smart.
We also have another CONTROL agent in our midst.
Who? - Rosita Delgado.
- Rosita Delgado? Where does it say that? Come on.
A moment of your time, Miss Delgado.
I'm sorry, but I am due onstage in a minute.
Why bother to go onstage when you do such a marvelous job of performing right here, Mrs.
Maxwell Smart? No, I'm afraid you have me mixed up with someone else.
Let's save time, Mrs.
Smart.
We are both after the same thing.
Why not pool our talents and join forces? I'm certain that between the two of us we can locate the Tequila Mockingbird.
- And then? - And then-- and then I kill you.
So you do know where it is.
I think I can make her talk, Señor Dietrick.
I am also the town torturer.
What is this axe doing here? I gave myself a manicure.
Red "W.
" Have you seen this before? I have seen a lot of axes.
We had a tong war last year.
Tell us where the Mockingbird is, or we'll kill you.
Man: Señorita, listo ahora.
I'm coming! Let her go.
Smart is in the audience.
If she doesn't perform, he may get suspicious.
Do your performance, Mrs.
Smart, but remember, there will be a gun trained on your head every minute.
Oh, and put down those castanets.
There will be no sending messages.
( upbeat music ) ( singing in Spanish ) What is she doing? She is dancing, señor.
Stop it, you fool.
She's pointing to the candle.
Get Smart! ( speaks Spanish ) Gracias, Señor Smart.
Just put it down, and move over there.
There she is, Señor Dietrick, the Tequila Mockingbird.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Superb.
Sí, magnifico.
Not bad.
And now, señor, I will take the $500,000.
I don't think that will be necessary, Valdez.
Now that we found it, all I have to do is take it.
I don't think that will be so easy, señor.
Just a moment.
Do you mind if I jump in here? Hold it! All right, gentlemen, anytime you're ready.
( crows, whimpers, brays ) ( snorts, snores ) ( clucks ) ( whines, snores ) Chief! ( gasps ) Oh, Max.
Get in the car.
We got the Tequila Mockingbird, and in a few hours, Dietrick and Valdez will be behind bars.
It's a good thing you decided to back us up on this assignment, Chief.
We'll see you back in Washington, Chief.
I'm really sorry about this, but when I reserved those four seats for the return flight, I didn't realize I'd be taking Dietrick and Valdez back with me.
That's all right, Chief.
It's more important that you get them back to Washington first.
We don't mind as long as we're together.
Come on, Max.
( engine starts ) See you back in Washington.
( theme music playing )