Ghosts (2021) s04e17 Episode Script

1
"And having successfully stalled
the bill on procedural grounds,
Captain Higgintooth
left the statehouse in Albany,
turned into a bat and flew away."
Give us your honest thoughts.
I think it's weird
that in Isaac's
biography, he's a vampire.
Again, that ship has sailed.
What about the writing?
Sass, you're a storyteller.
Why do you feel Samantha
uses too many commas?
Hey, guys. Sass, I have incredible news.
You remember how I promised you
I was gonna search far and wide
to find you a lovely dead lady?
Well, I met another roamer,
and she can't wait to meet you.
What do you mean? She's here?
She sure is, buddy.
Right in the living room.
Her name is Joan.
And does she know about his situation?
It's not a situation,
I just haven't done it
in the 500-plus years of my existence.
Agreed, it's nothing
to be ashamed about.
But maybe don't lead with it.
Seriously, Pete?
Man, you really find out what people
think of you with these setups.
Hey, Joan.
Joan, hello.
Joan?
[LOW]: Hmm, did she die
without her hearing aid?
She's not dead yet, champ,
but give her a few minutes.
You're Joan?
The one and only.
And you're Sasappis, I presume?
I used to work with a Sasappis
at Paramount Pictures back in the '40s.
- Really?
- [CHUCKLES]: No.
- Oh.
- Well,
cute and gullible, just my type.
- Hmm.
- So, Pete says you're a storyteller.
Uh, yeah, well, I was going to be,
but then I died the week
before my, uh, first
uh, storytelling t-thing.
Well, you've really got
a way with words, kid.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[STAMMERS]
- What?
- What? Uh No.
- I didn't know if you were talking still.
- Uh y you said something.
- Doesn't make sense.
- Okay. Sorry.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[EXHALES]
♪
Sam, did you know that Greg and Lydia
had reservations for
our restaurant last night
and just didn't show?
Seriously? That's rude.
[SIGHS] They're friends
of ours from the city.
Which city? Is there only one city now?
What's happening out there?
They didn't even send a text.
I bet this is because we didn't
go to their New Year's party.
But we had guests. We were working.
JAY: You know what this is?
It's a revenge bail.
They revenge-bailed.
This is like when Gordon Lightfoot
didn't come to my threesome
'cause I didn't go to his orgy.
HETTY: Are we sure
something didn't happen?
Perhaps they ate a bad ostrich egg.
As you know, they're
currently out of season.
Are we sure they're okay, Jay?
Oh, they're okay.
Lydia Instagrammed from Hudson Yards.
They were hitting golf balls all night.
Greg fixed his slice and I
can't even feel good for him.
This revenge bail, very
interesting concept.
Remember when Alberta miss
Thor's thousandth birthday party?
Wasn't that, like, 50 years ago?
Thor very angry.
But now have plan.
Thor going to revenge-bail
on Alberta's thousandth birthday party.
It make her most furious. [LAUGHS]
Okay, but you know that's not
for another 900 years, right?
Hmm.
Maybe Thor find way
to revenge-bail sooner.
But no one must speak of this.
Must keep most tightly guarded secret.
- Revenge bail!
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
Yes, mum's the word.
Man, it must be so cool being a roamer.
Not much exciting happens around here.
Although, one time, Thor almost
got eviscerated in a ghost trap.
Sounds like my riverboat rom-com.
That got eviscerated in Variety.
Abel Green said my script
was "dead in the water."
Anyway, tell me,
how did you help your
friend escape from that trap?
I'm actually a little
foggy on the details.
I was in the driveway. I was
dating a car ghost at the time.
She left me for roast beef.
That's right. Talk about town
is that you're unlucky in love.
But [TONGUE CLICKS] How can that be?
Witty, great hair.
A girl could do worse.
I don't know, uh, maybe I just
haven't met the right girl yet.
Or maybe the right girl's
actually been here all along.
Or at least, since 10:00 this morning.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
- TREVOR: Oh, hey.
I'm Trevor.
This is my room. Got a TV.
And I can press the
buttons. No big deal.
I'm sorry, where are your pants?
I gave them to a protégé.
- It was sort of a hero move.
- Tell me about it.
With twigs like those,
you might be the bravest
man I've ever met.
What the hell?
Oh, she burned you.
Hey.
I was tug-of-war
anchor at Camp Ramah.
Well, that sounds like
an exit line to me.
Thanks for stopping by.
TREVOR: Unbeliev
[LAUGHS]
Wow. You are awesome.
Well, thank you, sir.
So, how long are you in town?
I know Pete has to go home, you know,
every few days to recharge
once he starts to disappear.
Yes, I used to have that problem,
but the longer you roam,
the more you sort of
build up your tolerance.
You don't have to go back as much.
- Really?
- Yes,
it's kind of like when you're eight years old
and you have your first martini,
you get drunk right away.
But then, by the time you're 13,
a girl can really hold her liquor.
So you can just stay here
for as long as you choose, basically?
I guess that's true, yes.
Huh.
You really think my legs are skinny?
Who are you again?
Damn it.
[EXHALES]
If you want the shaft of
light, I got another 15 minutes.
Actually, Thor come
because Thor have idea.
Oh, that's new.
Did someone give it to
you, or [SNICKERS]
Original Thor idea. Not that unusual.
Anyway, Thor feel like
things around house
not that interesting anymore.
Maybe is time for Alberta to
host one of her beloved concerts.
Are you asking for a classic
"Alberta Haynes: One Night Only,"
an exhilarating night
of music and mingling?
Exactly. Thor would love to attend.
Well, you don't have to ask me twice.
[GASPS] I'll host one tonight.
And Thor invited?
Uh, yeah, Thor, you're invited.
Thor accept. [EXHALES]
Okay. Great. I'll see you there.
[LOW]: No, you won't.
What's that?
Nothing.
[LOW]: Ugh, child.
PETE: So, Sass,
it seemed like you and
Joan were hitting it off.
Yeah, she's cool, and
we have a lot in common,
and, you know, we get
along great, but
I don't know.
I think she's incredible.
What a trailblazer.
I mean, one of the first
female screenwriters.
And the stories she has.
I mean, most of them
are about handsy guys,
but the other ones, wow.
I just don't want to rush into anything.
Oh, I don't think anyone
could ever accuse you of that.
Because you're a 537-year-old virgin.
TREVOR: Wait, Thor
didn't you once tell us
that you watched Sass having sex?
That you watched him
when he was alive and you were a ghost?
Thor lied to protect friend,
because Thor good friend to all ghosts in house.
Like Alberta, whose party
Thor definitely attending tonight.
[CHUCKLES]
PETE: Sass, Joan is perfect for you.
She's attractive, she's funny,
and I hate to lean on
this, but she's an option.
So what's the problem?
Did you know that she barely
ever has to go home to recharge?
She can roam for,
like, a year at a time.
Wow, I can only be gone for three days.
- That's impressive.
- HETTY: Interesting.
Maybe that's what's bothering
you about Joan, Sasappis,
that she would be able to
stick around for a long time.
- What does that mean?
- I'm saying, you have a predilection
for the unavailable.
Consider your relationship history,
thin as though it may be.
A car ghost with wanderlust,
another woman who existed
entirely in Jay's dreams.
And then there's Shiki, who
lives on another property?
Hold on, Shiki's different.
I loved her when I was
alive. She was available then.
And yeah, I still think
about her, and oh, my God,
maybe that's why I go
for unavailable ghosts.
Because deep down, I'm
still hung up on Shiki.
Well, then, if you could get over Shiki,
maybe you would be
open to something real
with someone like Joan.
I-I mean, maybe. Yeah.
Sass, what if I were to go talk to Shiki
and find out once and for all
if she has any interest in you?
I guess if I knew there was no chance,
it would help me move on.
There's no chance.
She's on another property
and sort of famously doesn't like you.
Not famously.
And we've never actually
asked her point-blank,
"Are you into Sasappis?"
Well, hopefully she says no.
I'm not trying to be mean, I just,
I want you to be freed from
this grip that she has on you.
PETE: Well, don't worry, if
we want to secure a rejection
from a woman, I'm just
the cuckold to do it.
It's nice how he's embracing it.
So, I guess what I'm trying to
do is find out once and for all,
do you have any interest in Sasappis?
- You know, romantically?
- And I'm supposed
to ignore the fact
that I can never see him
and we're bound to separate properties?
Yep, setting that aside.
If I can be totally honest,
I'm not interested in Sasappis.
Okay, well, thank you for your time.
Uh, nothing against Sass, I just
want a guy who puts himself out there.
Understood. Honestly, I think
it's for the best. [CHUCKLES]
I will report back.
I mean, you say that he has
this eternal crush on me, but
when we were alive, he
never even made a move.
Well, there was the 13 hellos.
Exactly.
And the deer.
What do you mean?
Well, he killed a deer
and put it outside your family's home?
Which I guess was a
courting ritual of the time?
That was Sasappis?
I didn't know that was him.
That's quite the gesture.
♪
This changes everything.
Oh, no.
- Oh, my God, this is huge news.
- What? What is it?
Pete went to talk to Shiki to find out
if she has any real
feelings whatsoever for Sass.
That's kind of a desperate question.
Hard agree.
Okay, well, what did Shiki say?
She said she likes him.
I'm confused, it doesn't seem like
she's ever expressed
interest in him in the past.
Well, that's because she
didn't realize Sass was the one
who had left the dead deer at her home.
Shiki didn't know that Sass was the one
who left the dead deer at her home.
Whoa. What if she knew
that way back when?
This is sort of tragic.
Right? And now it
complicates things with Joan.
The female screenwriter ghost
from Hollywood's Golden Age
who's kind of taken me under her wing.
"Under her wing" is strong.
She's nodded politely
after Samantha pitched
a Christmas rom-com
set at the North Pole.
Cast Tiffani Amber Theissen
as a hot Mrs. Claus,
I could be into that.
JAY: All right, well, uh,
let me know where all this lands.
I'm gonna go give this
"softer meal" option
to the old lady staying
in the Maple Suite.
Hospitality. We don't
do it for the glamor.
Isn't this bad, this Shiki information?
He said he wouldn't
pursue things with Joan
if he thought there
was a chance with Shiki.
I know. And he and Joan
are so cute together.
I'm a great matchmaker.
I mean, I have complicated
feelings about it,
but I did introduce Carol and Jerry.
Poor Sass. He deserves happiness.
And it doesn't even matter
that Shiki actually likes him.
They can literally never
be in the same room.
What if
we simply don't tell Sasappis the truth?
I don't know about that
Don't we all agree that
it would be far healthier
for him to have some closure
and be able to move on?
Well, yeah.
But lying to Sass about Shiki?
Sometimes a lie is the
far kinder way to go.
Speaking of which,
that's a lovely blouse.
TREVOR: Hey, big guy.
I'm heading over to
Alberta's party. You coming?
No.
Okay. Why not?
Because that exactly
what Alberta expecting.
Well, yeah, wasn't the
whole party your idea?
Yes, Thor is mastermind.
But party is just one
facet in grand plan.
Okay.
Trevor, listen:
Alberta going to be very upset
when she realize Thor not at party.
Please take mental picture of her agony,
and report back to Thor. [CHUCKLES]
Sure thing, buddy.
Mm.
And now we wait.
[CHUCKLES]
[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm sorry, did you die with
alcohol on your ghost person?
Mm. That's right.
Wish I died with a cigarette,
but I'd already finished
my four packs for the day.
Tobacco was huge in the colonies.
Isn't it great when something's
fun and good for you?
Just out of curiosity,
if you gave another ghost a sip,
would they feel anything?
Ah, it only takes a second or two
for it to zap back into the bottle,
but sure, there's a momentary buzz.
Sign me up.
Ah. Oh. There's that sweet,
sweet burn Mama missed.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
So, Sass, how are you doing?
Well, at first I was definitely
a little thrown to hear
that Shiki doesn't really
have any feelings for me.
Yep, but that is what
she said. Loud and clear.
But then I was kind of like, wow,
maybe I can finally move on.
Okay. So I guess we did the right thing.
By asking her and
getting a genuine answer
and then reporting
that answer on to you.
Are you okay, Pete?
Have you been hitting Joan's flask?
Sass, I'm really glad to hear it.
I mean, I'm sorry, of
course, about Shiki,
but now maybe you can see
where things go with Joan.
And maybe finally end our
long national nightmare,
- aka your virginity.
- Thank you, Flower.
Your support means the world.
Oh, when does the
entertainment start, right?
I mean, this party's deader than we are.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, Joan.
[LAUGHING]
"Deader than we are." That's so funny.
Hey, I made some changes to
the North Pole rom-com script
based on your earlier thoughts.
After the man turns into a reindeer
- at the top of the second act
- Honey, honey, listen to me, okay? [LAUGHS]
Just call it Polar
Opposites, okay?
And make sure the guy gets the girl.
I mean, what are we talking about?
This isn't airplane science.
Polar Opposites. That's
That's really good.
One more structural
question, if I could
Joan, have you seen the
other side of the room?
It's sort of like this,
but Sam's not there.
Oh. Lead the way, handsome.
Wow. Sam, that was so amazing
how you drove her right into his arms
by pretending to be
lame and insufferable.
Thank you.
- Trevor.
- [EXCLAIMS]
You not report back.
Did Alberta mention
me not being at party?
It hasn't come up.
Thor. You are at the party.
No. Thor not.
Oh, hey, Thor.
Thor not here.
Man, that lightning really
knocked something loose.
That boy ain't right.
Aw, look at Sass, flirting up a storm.
Yeah, you go, Sass.
SAM: He's so money and
he doesn't even know it.
Swingers?
I'm down. Pete?
How's the party, Sam?
Oh, good. Yeah.
You just walked through Pete,
but other than that,
we've been having fun.
Uh, worth it, though, to
have my main man Jay here.
Is Sass in here?
Does he know the good
news, that Shiki likes him?
What did he say?
Uh, I think you misheard.
Misheard? You clearly
said Shiki likes Sass.
'Cause she didn't know about the deer,
but now she does, so she's into him.
Did you all lie to me?
Y-yes, but it was for your own good.
Also, Hetty told us to do it.
Peter.
What is going on?
Hey, has the new ghost
heard Beyoncé yet?
Jay, just one second.
Yes, Sass, it's true.
Shiki did say she was interested in you.
But since you can never be with her,
we thought it might be kinder
to just let you think
she didn't like you.
We're sorry.
Okay, I hadn't received that update.
Because you didn't tell me
and I cannot see the ghosts, Sam.
Unbelievable.
What is wrong with you guys?!
I I'm so sorry, Joan.
I got to go.
Sass
Well, that's a twist.
Sass, sorry.
Trust me, the last thing I
want to do is hurt a ghost.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[GASPING]
- Oh, that hurts.
- Son of a bitch.
Where's that flask?
Hey there. How you doing, slugger?
I'm sorry I left like that. I
just needed to clear my head.
So, this Shiki, what's her story?
Well, I've been in love
with her for 500 years.
But she lives at an
old newspaper office.
Extra, extra, the
headlines read "heartbreak."
I'm sorry, you were
having a real moment.
I fall back on schtick when I'm nervous.
Why are you nervous?
Well, I thought maybe
there was something here between us,
but it appears this
Shiki is the leading lady
and I'm just some
cute girl with a flask.
Maybe my friends were
right to lie to me.
It's not like Shiki and
I can ever be together.
Mm. It appears you're at
your all-is-lost moment.
But I don't need to tell a storyteller
that that's exactly when
everything's about to turn around.
What do you mean?
Well, it's sort of like
my steamship comedy,
Choppy Waters.
Darla thinks all is lost when the hero,
Frank Waters, falls overboard.
But do you know what happens
at the end of the picture?
No, what?
No idea. Before I finished the draft,
Lucille Ball punched me at El Coyote
and killed the project.
The point is, now is
not when you give up,
now is when you go get the girl.
Okay, but how?
Just think outside the box.
And whatever you do,
don't tell Lucille Ball
she's had too many tamales.
Huh.
Think outside the box
[THOR CLEARS THROAT]
So, how was party?
Thor not know because Thor not there.
What are you talking
about? You were there.
- We spoke.
- No, no.
Thor only briefly pop in
to see people's reaction
to Thor's glaring absence.
What?
Thor revenge-bail on you! Boom!
Revenge-bail?
Thor, what the hell is going on?
What's going on is you miss
Thor's 1,000th birthday party.
So now you suffer consequences.
Wait, you're mad at me about some party
that took place 50 years ago?
Yes! You missed biggest
party of Thor's life.
And this hard to say, but easier
because Thor do much
work at therapy, but
it hurt Thor's feelings.
Wow, big guy.
You been stewing on this for decades.
I had no idea.
Is this why you always
make fun of my hat?
No. That unrelated fashion opinion.
But tell me, why you skip Thor's party?
Well, the truth is, I was a young ghost.
I was still getting used to
this crazy situation we're in.
And going to a
1,000-year birthday party?
It just felt like a difficult reminder
that I could be stuck
here for a very long time.
So I bailed.
I'm sorry, Thor.
1,000 years is long time, but
it better with friends.
Very true.
You know what? I have an idea.
Thor has those, too, sometimes.
[LAUGHING]: Look at us, much in common.
How about you and me
go on a friend date,
just the two of us.
You can meet me at the fountain later,
and tell me about everything I
missed at your birthday party.
Thor like.
And you can tell me everything
I missed at your party.
But, again, you were at my party.
Only briefly.
So, round down to "not at party."
All right, you win this one, big guy.
Yes! Thor win.
In Alberta's face.
But also excited for fountain
friendship hang later on.
[CHUCKLES]
Sass, we just wanted to
say again how sorry we are.
We were trying to help,
but it wasn't right.
And again, no one brought me up to speed
and I can't see or hear ghosts.
Moving forward, I will try not
to enter a room while talking.
The thing is, we just
want you to be happy.
Look, everyone, it was
messed up, what you did,
but I get why you did it.
And it's all going to be okay.
Because I am going to get to Shiki.
What are you talking about?
Joan gave me a little
bit of inspiration.
Oh, I just gave him the
setup. Sass had the payoff.
We just need to think outside the box.
Or rather, inside the box.
And the box I'm talking about is the ghost trap.
- Is that possible?
- Will that work?
Huh. Jay, Sass thinks that
he could use the ghost trap
to get to Shiki.
Interesting.
Because the ghosts
can't cross the boundary.
- Well
- Shut up, Peter.
But once inside the trap,
maybe that overrides
the boundary somehow.
So it's settled.
I'm going to try to cross the
boundary in the ghost trap.
Will it work? I don't know.
Could things go wrong? They could.
Does this man desperately
need to get some?
He does.
Talk about a cliffhanger.
You're gonna love it out there.
I swear to God, Peter.
[THOR GROANS]
Okay, Sam said I'm
supposed to come out here
and give Thor a message from Alberta.
"You don't revenge bail on me."
That's the message.
Alberta!
I don't totally understand the context.
Again, I feel like I'm operating
with sort of incomplete information.
THOR: This is not over.
The battle of wits rages on.
Anyway, I'm going to go
watch some basketball.
[CHUCKLES]
Ah.