Glee s04e17 Episode Script
Guilty Pleasures
So here's what you missed Santana thought that Brody was a drug dealer He's not a drug dealer.
but it turns out he's a gigolo.
And Santana figured it out and told Finn Pack your bags.
so Finn went to New York, beat the crap out of Brody and told him to Stay away from my future wife! And Rachel has no idea any of this is going on.
Yikes.
Will's still mad at Finn for kissing Emma I'm so sorry.
Sorry's not going to cut it.
so Finn left the glee club to go to college to become a teacher, and Blaine's got a crush on Sam, which he's had every since the Sadie Hawkins dance, but Sam just thinks that he and Blaine are besties, which they totally are, but still And that's what you missed on Glee! Here.
Don't tell anyone and you don't have to thank me.
Dude, what are you doing? It's only 50 bucks.
Just take the money.
I know what you've been up to, and it just has to stop.
What are you talking about? Last week, I found a shortcut between my locker and the parking lot walking through the cafeteria cuts out 15 seconds from my daily routine and yesterday I saw something.
Listen, I know your dad's been struggling, and I just want to help.
Help you feed your family.
Hunger's a big problem in this country.
Although so is obesity, which is confusing.
Okay, can you promise to keep a secret? Yeah, of course.
I have been stealing pasta.
But it's not for dinner.
It's it's art.
So what do you think? Are those macaroni portraits? They're my guilty pleasure.
My art teacher thinks I'm some sort of a genius, like the ugly guy in Shine except with macaroni.
Is this Emma Stone? Yeah.
And then you got LeAnn Rimes, Ralph Macchio.
Those are the guys from Duck Dynasty.
I even did Kurt.
The macaroni really captures him.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
This is really incredible.
Whoa, whoa, not so fast.
Now it's your turn.
So My turn for what? For your guilty pleasure.
I I don't have a guilty pleasure.
Okay, you're lying.
Everybody's got that one thing that they like that they're so ashamed of that they refuse to admit it to anybody.
I love Wham! What? The band Wham! They're like my favorite band of all time.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Tina.
Hey, Tina.
Did you hear the news? Mr.
Shue is out with the flu this week.
Hey, uh, just curious.
Are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he's passed out and rub some ointment on chest? That's was a phase.
Anyway, don't bother coming to Glee Club this week.
It's canceled.
Not necessarily.
Why are we here? I thought Mr.
Shue was sick.
Yeah, why are we here? I was wondering the same thing.
Oh, come on, guys.
Regionals is only a few weeks away.
Even without an adviser, we can't afford to miss one week of preparation.
Which is why Blaine and I asked you all to come here.
We have come up with an assignment for this week.
Please be songs about sweaters.
Huh? Guilty pleasures.
Come on! We all have some musical shame.
You know what I'm talking about.
You know, that secret love we dare not speak, but when it comes out on the radio, you can't help but turn up the volume and sing along? Yeah, and we're supposed to sing one of those songs for regionals? No.
Sam and I were speaking earlier, just, like, shooting the crap like two bros do, you know, and we felt really safe with each other.
So we decided to reveal our guilty pleasures.
And it felt amazing.
I mean, letting go of this big secret made me feel so good.
And figured if we all share musical shame with each other, we could all become a more cohesive team for regionals.
Unique knows no shame, baby.
So, besides Unique, does anybody else have something they would like to share? Guys, this is a great team-building exercise.
Okay, well, then you guys go first.
We thought instead of telling you, we could show you! You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts A jitterbug into my brain Yeah, yeah! It goes bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same Something's bugging me, something ain't right My best friends told me what you did last night Uh, uh You left me sleeping in my bed Uh, uh I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead Wake me up before you go-go Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go I don't want to miss it when you hit that high Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Wake me up before you go-go Take me dancing tonight I want to hit that high Yeah-eah, yeah-eah Yeah, yeah, yeah! Baby Whoo! Jitterbug Cuddle up, baby, move in tight We'll go dancing tomorrow night It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed They can dance, we'll stay at home instead Wake me up before you go-go, don't you dare Don't you leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go I don't want to miss it when you hit that high Take me dancing, I want to go-go Wake me up before you go-go Oh 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo I want to go-go-go Wake me up before you go-go Take me dancing tonight Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Yeah Wake me up before you go-go Yeah Take me dancing tonight Oh, wake me up! Guess what? Hi.
Everyone hates you.
Excuse me? Maybe that's why nobody wants to work with you.
I'm trying to change, but my pastor says even Jesus took baby steps.
Do you go to the Church of Satan? Because you're really mean.
You tell Marley that she's fat even though your face looks like a soccer ball, and we both know that blonds have magical powers, like doing the splits or turning Swedish.
You need to use your magical powers for good and not evil.
And that is why I'm inviting you to take off your Joker mask and bare your soul for the world to see.
What on God's good earth are you talking about? Fondue for Two Hey! Fondue for Two That's some hot dish Fondue for Two! Tonight's guest is McKinley High's biggest bitch, the girl with the weird lizard ears, Kitty.
Mm that cat has about three weeks to live and this fondue smells like hot acrid barf.
Thank you so much.
So, Kitty, everyone at school hates you because you're a two-faced lying slut who no one can trust.
True.
And yet everyone keeps telling me their secrets, so I must be doing something right.
Touché.
I think the problem is that people haven't gotten to know you yet.
So tonight, you, me and Lord Tubbington are gonna tell our deepest darkest secrets.
You tell me your guilty pleasures and I'll tell you mine.
Go.
Guilty pleasure? Mm.
I like to fart around old people and watch the look on their faces 'cause they just assume they did it.
That's awesome.
Me, too.
Okay, guilty pleasure.
When I look at a white dog or cat, I assume that they're racist.
Lord Tubbington's guilty pleasure is Scientology.
Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on.
Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on again.
Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on, all or nothing.
Bring it on, in it to win it.
Bring it on, fight to the finish.
That one's horrible.
There's no way you could like that.
Guilty pleasure! No, I can't say.
No, you can't do that.
Come on.
This is the safe space.
We're on the Internet.
No.
No.
It's too horrible.
Can you whisper it in my ear? Oh, my God.
See, everybody, by acting out our secret shames, like Carly's traumatic sense-memory of potty training, we become more vulnerable as actors.
Kurt, you're up.
You want to see some real acting? You're looking at it, because this is nothing compared to my real guilty secrets.
And as a gay man, there are so many to pick from.
Like my obsessive marathons - of powerhouse women- Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, Moonlighting, Designing Women.
Or my very private Sweatin' to the Oldies sessions on DVD with the uncompromising Richard Simmons.
But my most secret, my most guilty pleasure of late? My boyfriend arm.
I ordered it online one night while on Ambien.
Yes, I know it's a little bit Jeffrey Dahmer, but what can I say? I love being held in Bruce's warm, non-judgmental embrace.
And yes, I named him Bruce.
That's my real guilty secret.
And if anyone ever found out, especially Adam, or God forbid, Blaine, or even Rachel and Santana, it would totally destroy me.
Dude, put some pants on.
I need to talk to you.
So, lately I've I've been battling a really deep-seeded sense of shame about something in my life, and it's a secret I've kept buried for as long as I can remember.
Really? Yeah, and I've been waiting to, like, let it out and release this inner sin that's tortured my insides.
Do-do you have feelings for me? What? Dude, no, come on.
What? Obvious-obviously, I'm kidding.
I'm just It's a million times worse than that.
Well, until you can speak it, you're gonna be stuck in this shame spiral forever, so Hey, you can you can trust me.
You can tell me anything.
I like Barry Manilow.
What? I said I like Barry Manilow.
No, no, no, you can't-you can't say that in a locker room.
I know, I know, I know, but see, I just relate to his stories: The-the breakups, the lost love.
Oh, and the rain, who shot who? It's like he's talking right to me.
Well, then I think you need to come out to everyone and say that.
No.
Once you stop hiding, you'll feel so much better.
You really think I could just stand up in front of everybody and say that I'm a Fan-ilow? Stop! As loyal fans of Fondue for Two, we demand to know what your guilty pleasure is.
Tell us.
None of your business.
Spice Girls.
I love the Spice Girls! Okay, keep it down.
People are staring.
When I was little, I had the Spice Girl movie on a loop.
I used to make their clothes out of my grandmother's sheets.
I dreamed I was one of them.
We must do the Spice Girls.
It has to be done! And this fierce black woman will be Scary Spice.
Nothing scarier than a girl with a penis.
Kidding.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
If I'm going to be paying a third of the rent, I'm going to be needing a third of the shelf space.
Don't get too comfortable, okay? This is only temporary.
I don't even think you need all these beauty products, Rachel, 'cause they're not really having the desired effect.
Unless you goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of Sunset.
One, Rachel's beautiful.
Two, you're a bitch, and those are my products, okay? And maybe if you used them, you wouldn't have more oil than the Middle East on your face.
Ooh.
That's really funny.
You want to play with me, Kurt, 'cause I can play all day every day.
What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways? We had a pact.
What if I broke that pact, huh? What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofah? Okay, she can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, all right? That would wreck her.
Maybe if you made me some space, I'd care a little bit more.
I want that whole top row.
Ooh la la.
Rachel Berry in a towel.
How could Brody give all that up? You know what, not now, okay.
It's too soon.
Everything still reminds me of him.
You know we first met in the bathroom, bonding over our moisturizing ritual? Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very, very gay.
Is that why he left, huh? Did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side? You know, he actually didn't even say why.
I don't understand what's happening.
Why won't you talk to me? We'll always be friends.
Puke.
That is the most clichéd breakup line ever.
You're not gonna be friends, and you don't need him.
I mean, you've got friends right here.
What? Friends who mock my looks and undermine my confidence? No, friends who cheer you up by playing pranks on your other friend.
What are you talking about? Maybe a mascara mustache for Lady Hummel, which would probably be the only facial hair he's ever had, or we could do that stick-his-hand-in-warm-water- make-him-wet-the-bed trick? Lady's choice.
What the hell is that? Oh, my God, the curtain means privacy.
Oh, my God, Kurt.
That thing is really creepy.
What is that? I thought it was stupid the first time I saw it, too, but I kept thinking about the ad.
You know, "Are you lonely? Do you need companionship?" "Yes, yes, I need all those things.
" It just offers you a nice, protective arm around you while you sleep at night.
Hey, I mean, it's probably safer than trolling Grindr for a man-whore.
Did you name it? His name is Bruce, and we're exclusive.
So you cannot borrow him.
Oh, my gosh.
I love Barry Manilow.
I mean, not just, you know, the Barry Manilow Love on Ice Tour, but-but I think he's an amazing songwriter and performer, an I also believe he's underappreciated, has amazing hair, and has done a hell of a lot of good for this world through his light-rock talent.
This is who I am, and I make no apologies.
Her name was Lola She was a showgirl With yellow feathers in her hair And a dress cut down to there She would merengue And do the cha-cha And while she tried to be a star Tony always tended bar Across the crowded floor They worked from 8:00 till 4:00 They were young and they had each other Who could ask for more? At the Copa, Copacabana Copa Copacabana The hottest spot north of Havana Here at the Copa Copa Copacabana Music and passion Were always the fashion At the Copa They fell in love Copa Copacabana His name was Rico He wore a diamond He was escorted to his chair He saw Lola dancing there And when she finished He called her over But Rico went a bit too far Tony sailed across the bar And then the punches flew And chairs were smashed in two There was blood and a single gunshot But just who shot who? At the Copa, Copacabana Copa Copacabana The hottest spot north of Havana Here at the Copa Copa Copacabana Music and passion were always the fashion At the Copa Don't fall in love Copa Don't fall in love Copacabana Copacabana Don't fall in love Copacabana Copacabana.
That was so brave.
I'm so proud of you, baby.
You've given me the courage to stand well, sit in front of my peers and proudly state that I'm a Fan-ilow as well.
Guys, I like him, too.
Music aside, the guy's got style.
All right, if it was '79, I'd be rocking the Manilow center part instead of the Bieber.
Are you guys kidding? You guys really like Barry, huh? Dude, everyone loves Barry, but thank you for making us finally say it out loud.
Go Sam.
We love the Barry! Best number ever! Okay, everyone, it's time to decide which Spice Girls we're all going to be.
Mercedes, I don't think that you should be Scary Spice just because your black.
Excuse you? I think that it's really racist that the Scary Spice is the only black one.
Marley should be Posh Spice because you're so skinny and you make everyone uncomfortable.
Kitty, I think that you should be Ginger Spice and I can be Sporty Spice.
So if I'm not Scary Spice, does that mean I'm Baby Spice? Sorry I'm late, guys.
Tina, you can be the Scary Spice.
The black one? That doesn't make any sense.
That's what I said.
Oh, my God, guys, you will not believe what just happened.
It's so horrible, I'm not even sure I can repeat it.
Hey! Tell me it's not true.
Tell me you're not planning to sing a Chris Brown song.
Looks like our guilty pleasure lesson has really been taking over the school.
Yeah, that kid's always had a really weird obsession with culottes.
What's up? Uh, here's the thing.
Uh, so far this week, you know, you've been talking the talk; But now I need you To walk the walk, pilgrim.
I've been honest about my guilty pleasures, and I even wore - those tiny little Wham! Sh - Shh.
I wore those tiny little Wham! Shorts, and we did that great number, but now it's your turn to be honest, because you haven't really been yet so far.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, you know, you're only as sick as your secrets, dude, and that's what this week's assignment is really about.
This is your chance to really set an example for the glee club.
What's yours gonna be? Really? Seriously? I don't understand what you're all so upset about.
That's why it's upsetting.
Look, look, I get that Chris Brown is a douchebag.
I don't think that douche is a strong enough word to describe Chris Brown.
He brutally beat up his girlfriend.
He beat up a window at Good Morning America.
He says horribly misogynistic things on Twitter.
What about the Frank Ocean fight in the parking lot? But mostly, he beat up his girlfriend, Rihanna, and then he got a picture of a battered woman tattooed on his neck; the dude is psychopath.
I know, listen, I know, and that is why I chose his song, okay? The assignment was guilty pleasures.
I like his music, and I feel guilty about it.
You like his music? Some of it, yeah.
I mean, I don't think all of it's bad.
It doesn't mean that I like him, and it doesn't mean that I think that he's a role model.
We do Whitney Houston songs, okay, Britney Spears songs, and none of them are any role models.
You shut your mouth! And what about Rihanna? Do we really think that bad girl RiRi is some kind of a role model? I mean, she's the one who got back together with him.
Are you kidding me? Yes, seriously, we always do Rihanna songs, and do we always agree with everything that she says and does? Are we saying that it's okay to go back to somebody that abuses you? No, we're not.
Look, all I am saying is that I think that we should be able to separate the art from the artist.
Well, I don't think you should, and personally, I can't listen to his music without thinking about the horrible person behind it.
I agree, and if there was a list of people's music that we should never do in this room, Chris Brown would be at the top of that list.
And unfortunately, we live in a democracy, so we can't force you to do anything.
We just really think you should think about it.
Chris Brown's a total powder keg, dude.
No peeking.
And Oh.
I'm peeking.
Peek, peek, peek, peek, peek.
Oh, my God.
Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change.
That's so sweet.
A little perfume and voilà .
If you ever tell anyone about this, I have no ethical problems with Hummel-cide.
You don't seem as excited about yours.
This is weird, and I'm not lonely.
Okay, I don't need anything to cuddle with.
Just 'cause Brody moved out doesn't mean that we're not gonna get back together.
Okay, no.
What? I'm sorry.
It is over, and it's gonna stay over.
I was wrong Brody being a drug dealer, but I was just wrong about what he was selling.
Your boyfriend wasn't a caterwaiter, he was gigolo.
Like Magic Mike with happy endings for money.
That's not true, right? You didn't you didn't know about that.
It's not true, right? Right? You're welcome.
Why did you have to do that? It was for her own good.
How can I just let you walk away Just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking every breath With you? Ooh You're the only one Who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me When all I can do is watch you leave? 'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain We even shared the tears You're the only one Who really knew me at all So take a look at me now Now there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here To remind me Just the memory of your face I wish I could just make you turn around Turn around and see me cry There's so much I need to say to you There are so many reasons why You're the only one Who really knew me at all Oh, so take a look at me now Now there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here To remind me Just the memory of your face Now take a look at me now 'Cause I'll still be standing here You coming back to me is against all odds It's the chance I've got to take Mm, mm, mm So take a look at me now Whoa, oh, oh, ooh So take a look at me Now.
So, who was that about exactly, Blaine? Shut it.
Uh, it was about Kurt, obviously.
That breakup's still a fresh wound.
But it's really about the musical genius of Phil Collins, and like any musician of his time, when you dominate that period with such success, people tend to make fun of you and put them down, but the truth is he's a musical legend, and I'm tired of people making fun of him.
And I'm gonna dedicate a good part of my future ensuring that his genius is understood and appreciated.
I am no longer in the closet about my love for Phil Collins.
All right, everybody, give it up for Blaine Anderson.
All right, so it's been a really great week so far, you guys, but now we are ready to present a double feature of guilty pleasures.
Starting off with our very own spicy ladies, girl power to the extreme The Spice Girls! Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah I wanna really, really, really, wanna zigazig, ah If you want my future Forget my past If you want to get with me Better make it fast Now don't go wasting My precious time Get your act together We could be just fine I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig, ah If you want to be my lover You got to get with my friends Make it last forever Friendship never ends If you want to be my lover You have got to give Taking is too easy But that's the way it is So here's the story from A to Z You want to get with me, you got to listen carefully We got Em in the place who likes it in your face We got G like MC who likes it on An Easy V who doesn't come For free, she's a real lady And as for me, ha-ha, you'll see Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around If you want to be my lover You got to get with my friends Got to get with my Make it last forever Friends Friendship never ends If you want to be my lover You have got to give You've got to give Taking is too easy But that's the way it is If you want to be my lover you gotta, you gotta You gotta, you gotta you gotta Make it last forever Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and zigazig, ah Uh, uh-uh Oh, whoa-oh Oh, oh If you want to be my lover.
Best thing ever! So, how did it feel to be so open about your Spice love? Liberating.
We only hope you can see us for who we really are.
I applaud your courage in such an openly Spice-phobic time.
Especially you, Kitty actually I don't think I've ever seen you so, uh uh So what? Happy to be part of the team.
Ooh, that's 'cause my girl is spicy! Well, great job, ladies.
That was-that was just fantastic.
Everybody, please settle down and welcome Mr.
Jake Puckerman to the stage.
Down with the Brown.
Team Breezy equals Team Awful.
Look, listen, stop.
Stop, listen.
I hear you, okay? I'm still gonna perform a Brown song, but it will not be Chris.
Yeah, get up Hey Yeah, get up Oh, get busy Everybody's talking All this stuff about me Why don't they just Let me live They say I'm crazy I really don't care That's my prerogative They say I'm nasty But I don't give a damn Getting girls is how I live Some ask me questions Why am I so real But they don't understand me Or really don't know the deal about A brother Trying hard to make it right Not long ago Before I win this fight Sing Everybody's talking All this stuff about me Why don't they just Let me live, tell my why I don't need permission Make my own decisions Oh That's my prerogative It's my prerogative It's my prerogative I can do what I want to do It's my prerogative Tell me, tell me why Can't I Live my life Live my life Without all of the things That people say Ah, yeah Everybody's talking All this stuff about me Everybody's talking Why don't they just let me live Ooh It's my prerogative.
Cheese and rice, you scared me, Tina.
My name is Vicki, I am an android.
I'm fantastic.
Made of plastic.
She's Vicki the robot girl from Small Wonder.
The TV cult classic.
Small Wonder has made me the woman I am today, free to speak my mind and think outside the box.
Good afternoon, Jake.
Hey, Vicki.
That's it I've reached my guilty pleasures obscure-reference-that- nobody-cares-about limit.
I've got to go talk to some normal people.
I'm out of here.
Wait, wait, hold on.
I need to apologize first, okay? I didn't know about the Bobby Brown thing.
You do realize that Bobby Brown allegedly got Whitney Houston hooked on crack, right? Let me get this straight.
You know about Vicki the robot girl, but you didn't know about Bobby and Whitney? I'm out of here.
I will follow you.
No, go away.
Stop.
Hey, okay? So, this week has made me kind of crazy.
And I get why we don't support Chris Brown.
But, I mean, does it really matter what a couple of high school kids think? Maybe not.
But every ocean starts with one drop of water, right? I sound like my grandma.
Hey so are we okay? You know, I have a guilty pleasure I haven't told you about.
Please don't say me 'cause that would be very cheesy.
Oh, my God.
Actually it's anything starring Jessica Simpson.
But now that you mention it.
Hey.
What's this? I was hoping that I could have dinner with you tonight.
I'm sorry, is it not enough? I wasn't sure what the going rate was these days for male hookers.
Don't judge me.
Oh, really? For selling your body? Not everybody has doting daddies to pay their bills.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm such an idiot.
You told me that if we were honest with each other that anything was possible.
Why did you lie to me? Why did you lie to me? When did I lie to you? Who do you think did this to my face? Your ex-fiancé.
He jumped out of a bathroom, went all Frankenstein on me.
Finn came all the way here to do that? Yeah.
And who's the liar now? I know you still love him.
And I know that you slept with him at that wedding.
Did Santana tell you that? No one had to tell me.
Look, I'm sorry that I lied about all that stuff, okay, but I meant everything that I ever said about how I feel about you.
You're right, I haven't been, uh completely honest with you.
I think that there was a part of me that was using this.
Partly to make Finn jealous and, um, the other part to just fill my own personal heartache.
So, what, this is it's just over? Yeah, uh it feels like it is.
Seeing you around is really gonna suck.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry Oh, you float like a feather In a beautiful world Oh, I wish I was special You're so very special Oh But I'm a creep I'm a creep I'm a weirdo I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here Oh-oh, oh-oh She's Running out The door She's running out She run, run, run Run Run Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so very special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here Mm, I don't belong here.
What's that? I wanted to do one more Phil Collins song before they made us put our guilty pleasures back in the closet.
Well, maybe we don't have to.
I mean, everybody seems to be having so much fun with them out on the table.
Maybe life's just better this way.
I don't know about that.
I think if we always indulged ourselves in that kind of thing, I think we'd make a lot of people pretty uncomfortable.
You don't have to be uncomfortable.
Dude, it's okay.
I-I get it.
Your your guilty pleasure is me.
Um I mean, I-I've known all year, and you know, frankly, I'm an attractive guy, and you are into dudes, and if you weren't into me, I'd probably be pretty offended.
Hm-hm, um you're not freaked out? Because I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.
I mean, you've been there for me Dude.
Okay.
Just stop.
Throughout this whole Kurt thing Nothing's gonna change.
Stop.
Nothing is going to change.
Oh.
Okay? We're like we're like brothers.
I trust you, and you know, to tell you the truth, the attention feels kind of kind of good.
It-It's flattering.
Hug it out.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hug it out.
Oh.
Um Dude, um please tell me that that is only a pack of Life Savers in your pocket.
Oh, yeah, no, they're breath mints.
Oh.
Do you want one? Uh, yeah, sure.
All right.
Mm, thanks.
All right.
Let's go lead one more class.
I have a song that everyone's gonna love, so Wait up.
This this is crazy.
This show is like crack.
I cannot believe this was on regular TV.
I thought you'd like this Facts of Life marathon.
Thank God I recorded six months of it on the DVR.
Thank you, TV Land! Okay, so please tell me that the chick on this motorcycle and that super bitch get together in the end.
They do not, but George Clooney joins the cast later No way.
As the handyman with a heart of gold.
Oh, I love those guys.
And a mullet.
Okay, we have to turn this into a musical so that I can play Jo.
Can I be Blair, and we can do a duet? Oh Well, that depends on what, uh, happened with you and the American Psycho.
Yeah, we had a-a pretty mature and honest conversation.
You know, we decided that we're obviously gonna be professional, because we're gonna see each other all the time, and be in each other's lives because we go to the same school.
But, um but yeah, it's it's over.
For real.
And, you know, I really have you to thank.
Because you didn't give up, and you really were trying to make me see, and I-I appreciate you getting Finn to come and defend my honor.
I know that was you, so I swear I will never doubt your Mexican psychic third eye ever again.
Why the long face? You've got a hot boyfriend pillow in there named Colin.
I named him Colin after the non-threatening boy in The Secret Garden, 'cause I know you loved it.
Don't be sad.
I'm not.
I'm good, I I feel ready.
You know? I-I-I'm ready for my Funny Girl audition, and to maybe start seeing older guys Mm And I'm definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate.
But I'm gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I am the one that is heartbroken and going through a breakup and found out that my boyfriend was some weirdo man-whore, I'm gonna get to pick the movie tonight, okay? And I think we should pick the best guilty pleasure movie musical ever.
I've been cheated by you Since I don't know when So I've made up my mind It must come to an end Mm, look at me now Will I ever learn? I don't know how But I suddenly lose control There's a fire within my soul Just one look, and I can hear a bell ring One more look, and I forget everything Oh-oh Mamma mia Here I go again My, my, how can I resist ya? Mamma mia Does it show again? My, my Just how much I've missed ya I've been angry inside about things that you do I can't count all the times That I told you we're through And when you go When you slam the door I think you know That you won't be away too long You know that I'm not that strong Just one look And I can hear a bell ring One more look, and I forget everything Whoa-oa Mamma mia Here I go again My, my, how can I resist ya? Mamma mia, does it show again? My, my, just how much I missed ya Yes, I've been brokenhearted Ooh, since the day we parted Why, why Did I ever let you go? Mamma mia Mamma mia Now I really know My, my I could never let you go Mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba Whoa-oa-oa Oh-oh oh Whoa-oa-oa Oh-oh oh Mamma mia.
but it turns out he's a gigolo.
And Santana figured it out and told Finn Pack your bags.
so Finn went to New York, beat the crap out of Brody and told him to Stay away from my future wife! And Rachel has no idea any of this is going on.
Yikes.
Will's still mad at Finn for kissing Emma I'm so sorry.
Sorry's not going to cut it.
so Finn left the glee club to go to college to become a teacher, and Blaine's got a crush on Sam, which he's had every since the Sadie Hawkins dance, but Sam just thinks that he and Blaine are besties, which they totally are, but still And that's what you missed on Glee! Here.
Don't tell anyone and you don't have to thank me.
Dude, what are you doing? It's only 50 bucks.
Just take the money.
I know what you've been up to, and it just has to stop.
What are you talking about? Last week, I found a shortcut between my locker and the parking lot walking through the cafeteria cuts out 15 seconds from my daily routine and yesterday I saw something.
Listen, I know your dad's been struggling, and I just want to help.
Help you feed your family.
Hunger's a big problem in this country.
Although so is obesity, which is confusing.
Okay, can you promise to keep a secret? Yeah, of course.
I have been stealing pasta.
But it's not for dinner.
It's it's art.
So what do you think? Are those macaroni portraits? They're my guilty pleasure.
My art teacher thinks I'm some sort of a genius, like the ugly guy in Shine except with macaroni.
Is this Emma Stone? Yeah.
And then you got LeAnn Rimes, Ralph Macchio.
Those are the guys from Duck Dynasty.
I even did Kurt.
The macaroni really captures him.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
This is really incredible.
Whoa, whoa, not so fast.
Now it's your turn.
So My turn for what? For your guilty pleasure.
I I don't have a guilty pleasure.
Okay, you're lying.
Everybody's got that one thing that they like that they're so ashamed of that they refuse to admit it to anybody.
I love Wham! What? The band Wham! They're like my favorite band of all time.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Tina.
Hey, Tina.
Did you hear the news? Mr.
Shue is out with the flu this week.
Hey, uh, just curious.
Are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he's passed out and rub some ointment on chest? That's was a phase.
Anyway, don't bother coming to Glee Club this week.
It's canceled.
Not necessarily.
Why are we here? I thought Mr.
Shue was sick.
Yeah, why are we here? I was wondering the same thing.
Oh, come on, guys.
Regionals is only a few weeks away.
Even without an adviser, we can't afford to miss one week of preparation.
Which is why Blaine and I asked you all to come here.
We have come up with an assignment for this week.
Please be songs about sweaters.
Huh? Guilty pleasures.
Come on! We all have some musical shame.
You know what I'm talking about.
You know, that secret love we dare not speak, but when it comes out on the radio, you can't help but turn up the volume and sing along? Yeah, and we're supposed to sing one of those songs for regionals? No.
Sam and I were speaking earlier, just, like, shooting the crap like two bros do, you know, and we felt really safe with each other.
So we decided to reveal our guilty pleasures.
And it felt amazing.
I mean, letting go of this big secret made me feel so good.
And figured if we all share musical shame with each other, we could all become a more cohesive team for regionals.
Unique knows no shame, baby.
So, besides Unique, does anybody else have something they would like to share? Guys, this is a great team-building exercise.
Okay, well, then you guys go first.
We thought instead of telling you, we could show you! You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts A jitterbug into my brain Yeah, yeah! It goes bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same Something's bugging me, something ain't right My best friends told me what you did last night Uh, uh You left me sleeping in my bed Uh, uh I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead Wake me up before you go-go Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go I don't want to miss it when you hit that high Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Wake me up before you go-go Take me dancing tonight I want to hit that high Yeah-eah, yeah-eah Yeah, yeah, yeah! Baby Whoo! Jitterbug Cuddle up, baby, move in tight We'll go dancing tomorrow night It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed They can dance, we'll stay at home instead Wake me up before you go-go, don't you dare Don't you leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go I don't want to miss it when you hit that high Take me dancing, I want to go-go Wake me up before you go-go Oh 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo I want to go-go-go Wake me up before you go-go Take me dancing tonight Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Yeah Wake me up before you go-go Yeah Take me dancing tonight Oh, wake me up! Guess what? Hi.
Everyone hates you.
Excuse me? Maybe that's why nobody wants to work with you.
I'm trying to change, but my pastor says even Jesus took baby steps.
Do you go to the Church of Satan? Because you're really mean.
You tell Marley that she's fat even though your face looks like a soccer ball, and we both know that blonds have magical powers, like doing the splits or turning Swedish.
You need to use your magical powers for good and not evil.
And that is why I'm inviting you to take off your Joker mask and bare your soul for the world to see.
What on God's good earth are you talking about? Fondue for Two Hey! Fondue for Two That's some hot dish Fondue for Two! Tonight's guest is McKinley High's biggest bitch, the girl with the weird lizard ears, Kitty.
Mm that cat has about three weeks to live and this fondue smells like hot acrid barf.
Thank you so much.
So, Kitty, everyone at school hates you because you're a two-faced lying slut who no one can trust.
True.
And yet everyone keeps telling me their secrets, so I must be doing something right.
Touché.
I think the problem is that people haven't gotten to know you yet.
So tonight, you, me and Lord Tubbington are gonna tell our deepest darkest secrets.
You tell me your guilty pleasures and I'll tell you mine.
Go.
Guilty pleasure? Mm.
I like to fart around old people and watch the look on their faces 'cause they just assume they did it.
That's awesome.
Me, too.
Okay, guilty pleasure.
When I look at a white dog or cat, I assume that they're racist.
Lord Tubbington's guilty pleasure is Scientology.
Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on.
Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on again.
Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on, all or nothing.
Bring it on, in it to win it.
Bring it on, fight to the finish.
That one's horrible.
There's no way you could like that.
Guilty pleasure! No, I can't say.
No, you can't do that.
Come on.
This is the safe space.
We're on the Internet.
No.
No.
It's too horrible.
Can you whisper it in my ear? Oh, my God.
See, everybody, by acting out our secret shames, like Carly's traumatic sense-memory of potty training, we become more vulnerable as actors.
Kurt, you're up.
You want to see some real acting? You're looking at it, because this is nothing compared to my real guilty secrets.
And as a gay man, there are so many to pick from.
Like my obsessive marathons - of powerhouse women- Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, Moonlighting, Designing Women.
Or my very private Sweatin' to the Oldies sessions on DVD with the uncompromising Richard Simmons.
But my most secret, my most guilty pleasure of late? My boyfriend arm.
I ordered it online one night while on Ambien.
Yes, I know it's a little bit Jeffrey Dahmer, but what can I say? I love being held in Bruce's warm, non-judgmental embrace.
And yes, I named him Bruce.
That's my real guilty secret.
And if anyone ever found out, especially Adam, or God forbid, Blaine, or even Rachel and Santana, it would totally destroy me.
Dude, put some pants on.
I need to talk to you.
So, lately I've I've been battling a really deep-seeded sense of shame about something in my life, and it's a secret I've kept buried for as long as I can remember.
Really? Yeah, and I've been waiting to, like, let it out and release this inner sin that's tortured my insides.
Do-do you have feelings for me? What? Dude, no, come on.
What? Obvious-obviously, I'm kidding.
I'm just It's a million times worse than that.
Well, until you can speak it, you're gonna be stuck in this shame spiral forever, so Hey, you can you can trust me.
You can tell me anything.
I like Barry Manilow.
What? I said I like Barry Manilow.
No, no, no, you can't-you can't say that in a locker room.
I know, I know, I know, but see, I just relate to his stories: The-the breakups, the lost love.
Oh, and the rain, who shot who? It's like he's talking right to me.
Well, then I think you need to come out to everyone and say that.
No.
Once you stop hiding, you'll feel so much better.
You really think I could just stand up in front of everybody and say that I'm a Fan-ilow? Stop! As loyal fans of Fondue for Two, we demand to know what your guilty pleasure is.
Tell us.
None of your business.
Spice Girls.
I love the Spice Girls! Okay, keep it down.
People are staring.
When I was little, I had the Spice Girl movie on a loop.
I used to make their clothes out of my grandmother's sheets.
I dreamed I was one of them.
We must do the Spice Girls.
It has to be done! And this fierce black woman will be Scary Spice.
Nothing scarier than a girl with a penis.
Kidding.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
If I'm going to be paying a third of the rent, I'm going to be needing a third of the shelf space.
Don't get too comfortable, okay? This is only temporary.
I don't even think you need all these beauty products, Rachel, 'cause they're not really having the desired effect.
Unless you goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of Sunset.
One, Rachel's beautiful.
Two, you're a bitch, and those are my products, okay? And maybe if you used them, you wouldn't have more oil than the Middle East on your face.
Ooh.
That's really funny.
You want to play with me, Kurt, 'cause I can play all day every day.
What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways? We had a pact.
What if I broke that pact, huh? What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofah? Okay, she can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, all right? That would wreck her.
Maybe if you made me some space, I'd care a little bit more.
I want that whole top row.
Ooh la la.
Rachel Berry in a towel.
How could Brody give all that up? You know what, not now, okay.
It's too soon.
Everything still reminds me of him.
You know we first met in the bathroom, bonding over our moisturizing ritual? Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very, very gay.
Is that why he left, huh? Did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side? You know, he actually didn't even say why.
I don't understand what's happening.
Why won't you talk to me? We'll always be friends.
Puke.
That is the most clichéd breakup line ever.
You're not gonna be friends, and you don't need him.
I mean, you've got friends right here.
What? Friends who mock my looks and undermine my confidence? No, friends who cheer you up by playing pranks on your other friend.
What are you talking about? Maybe a mascara mustache for Lady Hummel, which would probably be the only facial hair he's ever had, or we could do that stick-his-hand-in-warm-water- make-him-wet-the-bed trick? Lady's choice.
What the hell is that? Oh, my God, the curtain means privacy.
Oh, my God, Kurt.
That thing is really creepy.
What is that? I thought it was stupid the first time I saw it, too, but I kept thinking about the ad.
You know, "Are you lonely? Do you need companionship?" "Yes, yes, I need all those things.
" It just offers you a nice, protective arm around you while you sleep at night.
Hey, I mean, it's probably safer than trolling Grindr for a man-whore.
Did you name it? His name is Bruce, and we're exclusive.
So you cannot borrow him.
Oh, my gosh.
I love Barry Manilow.
I mean, not just, you know, the Barry Manilow Love on Ice Tour, but-but I think he's an amazing songwriter and performer, an I also believe he's underappreciated, has amazing hair, and has done a hell of a lot of good for this world through his light-rock talent.
This is who I am, and I make no apologies.
Her name was Lola She was a showgirl With yellow feathers in her hair And a dress cut down to there She would merengue And do the cha-cha And while she tried to be a star Tony always tended bar Across the crowded floor They worked from 8:00 till 4:00 They were young and they had each other Who could ask for more? At the Copa, Copacabana Copa Copacabana The hottest spot north of Havana Here at the Copa Copa Copacabana Music and passion Were always the fashion At the Copa They fell in love Copa Copacabana His name was Rico He wore a diamond He was escorted to his chair He saw Lola dancing there And when she finished He called her over But Rico went a bit too far Tony sailed across the bar And then the punches flew And chairs were smashed in two There was blood and a single gunshot But just who shot who? At the Copa, Copacabana Copa Copacabana The hottest spot north of Havana Here at the Copa Copa Copacabana Music and passion were always the fashion At the Copa Don't fall in love Copa Don't fall in love Copacabana Copacabana Don't fall in love Copacabana Copacabana.
That was so brave.
I'm so proud of you, baby.
You've given me the courage to stand well, sit in front of my peers and proudly state that I'm a Fan-ilow as well.
Guys, I like him, too.
Music aside, the guy's got style.
All right, if it was '79, I'd be rocking the Manilow center part instead of the Bieber.
Are you guys kidding? You guys really like Barry, huh? Dude, everyone loves Barry, but thank you for making us finally say it out loud.
Go Sam.
We love the Barry! Best number ever! Okay, everyone, it's time to decide which Spice Girls we're all going to be.
Mercedes, I don't think that you should be Scary Spice just because your black.
Excuse you? I think that it's really racist that the Scary Spice is the only black one.
Marley should be Posh Spice because you're so skinny and you make everyone uncomfortable.
Kitty, I think that you should be Ginger Spice and I can be Sporty Spice.
So if I'm not Scary Spice, does that mean I'm Baby Spice? Sorry I'm late, guys.
Tina, you can be the Scary Spice.
The black one? That doesn't make any sense.
That's what I said.
Oh, my God, guys, you will not believe what just happened.
It's so horrible, I'm not even sure I can repeat it.
Hey! Tell me it's not true.
Tell me you're not planning to sing a Chris Brown song.
Looks like our guilty pleasure lesson has really been taking over the school.
Yeah, that kid's always had a really weird obsession with culottes.
What's up? Uh, here's the thing.
Uh, so far this week, you know, you've been talking the talk; But now I need you To walk the walk, pilgrim.
I've been honest about my guilty pleasures, and I even wore - those tiny little Wham! Sh - Shh.
I wore those tiny little Wham! Shorts, and we did that great number, but now it's your turn to be honest, because you haven't really been yet so far.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, you know, you're only as sick as your secrets, dude, and that's what this week's assignment is really about.
This is your chance to really set an example for the glee club.
What's yours gonna be? Really? Seriously? I don't understand what you're all so upset about.
That's why it's upsetting.
Look, look, I get that Chris Brown is a douchebag.
I don't think that douche is a strong enough word to describe Chris Brown.
He brutally beat up his girlfriend.
He beat up a window at Good Morning America.
He says horribly misogynistic things on Twitter.
What about the Frank Ocean fight in the parking lot? But mostly, he beat up his girlfriend, Rihanna, and then he got a picture of a battered woman tattooed on his neck; the dude is psychopath.
I know, listen, I know, and that is why I chose his song, okay? The assignment was guilty pleasures.
I like his music, and I feel guilty about it.
You like his music? Some of it, yeah.
I mean, I don't think all of it's bad.
It doesn't mean that I like him, and it doesn't mean that I think that he's a role model.
We do Whitney Houston songs, okay, Britney Spears songs, and none of them are any role models.
You shut your mouth! And what about Rihanna? Do we really think that bad girl RiRi is some kind of a role model? I mean, she's the one who got back together with him.
Are you kidding me? Yes, seriously, we always do Rihanna songs, and do we always agree with everything that she says and does? Are we saying that it's okay to go back to somebody that abuses you? No, we're not.
Look, all I am saying is that I think that we should be able to separate the art from the artist.
Well, I don't think you should, and personally, I can't listen to his music without thinking about the horrible person behind it.
I agree, and if there was a list of people's music that we should never do in this room, Chris Brown would be at the top of that list.
And unfortunately, we live in a democracy, so we can't force you to do anything.
We just really think you should think about it.
Chris Brown's a total powder keg, dude.
No peeking.
And Oh.
I'm peeking.
Peek, peek, peek, peek, peek.
Oh, my God.
Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change.
That's so sweet.
A little perfume and voilà .
If you ever tell anyone about this, I have no ethical problems with Hummel-cide.
You don't seem as excited about yours.
This is weird, and I'm not lonely.
Okay, I don't need anything to cuddle with.
Just 'cause Brody moved out doesn't mean that we're not gonna get back together.
Okay, no.
What? I'm sorry.
It is over, and it's gonna stay over.
I was wrong Brody being a drug dealer, but I was just wrong about what he was selling.
Your boyfriend wasn't a caterwaiter, he was gigolo.
Like Magic Mike with happy endings for money.
That's not true, right? You didn't you didn't know about that.
It's not true, right? Right? You're welcome.
Why did you have to do that? It was for her own good.
How can I just let you walk away Just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking every breath With you? Ooh You're the only one Who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me When all I can do is watch you leave? 'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain We even shared the tears You're the only one Who really knew me at all So take a look at me now Now there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here To remind me Just the memory of your face I wish I could just make you turn around Turn around and see me cry There's so much I need to say to you There are so many reasons why You're the only one Who really knew me at all Oh, so take a look at me now Now there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here To remind me Just the memory of your face Now take a look at me now 'Cause I'll still be standing here You coming back to me is against all odds It's the chance I've got to take Mm, mm, mm So take a look at me now Whoa, oh, oh, ooh So take a look at me Now.
So, who was that about exactly, Blaine? Shut it.
Uh, it was about Kurt, obviously.
That breakup's still a fresh wound.
But it's really about the musical genius of Phil Collins, and like any musician of his time, when you dominate that period with such success, people tend to make fun of you and put them down, but the truth is he's a musical legend, and I'm tired of people making fun of him.
And I'm gonna dedicate a good part of my future ensuring that his genius is understood and appreciated.
I am no longer in the closet about my love for Phil Collins.
All right, everybody, give it up for Blaine Anderson.
All right, so it's been a really great week so far, you guys, but now we are ready to present a double feature of guilty pleasures.
Starting off with our very own spicy ladies, girl power to the extreme The Spice Girls! Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah I wanna really, really, really, wanna zigazig, ah If you want my future Forget my past If you want to get with me Better make it fast Now don't go wasting My precious time Get your act together We could be just fine I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah, I wanna hah I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig, ah If you want to be my lover You got to get with my friends Make it last forever Friendship never ends If you want to be my lover You have got to give Taking is too easy But that's the way it is So here's the story from A to Z You want to get with me, you got to listen carefully We got Em in the place who likes it in your face We got G like MC who likes it on An Easy V who doesn't come For free, she's a real lady And as for me, ha-ha, you'll see Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around If you want to be my lover You got to get with my friends Got to get with my Make it last forever Friends Friendship never ends If you want to be my lover You have got to give You've got to give Taking is too easy But that's the way it is If you want to be my lover you gotta, you gotta You gotta, you gotta you gotta Make it last forever Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and zigazig, ah Uh, uh-uh Oh, whoa-oh Oh, oh If you want to be my lover.
Best thing ever! So, how did it feel to be so open about your Spice love? Liberating.
We only hope you can see us for who we really are.
I applaud your courage in such an openly Spice-phobic time.
Especially you, Kitty actually I don't think I've ever seen you so, uh uh So what? Happy to be part of the team.
Ooh, that's 'cause my girl is spicy! Well, great job, ladies.
That was-that was just fantastic.
Everybody, please settle down and welcome Mr.
Jake Puckerman to the stage.
Down with the Brown.
Team Breezy equals Team Awful.
Look, listen, stop.
Stop, listen.
I hear you, okay? I'm still gonna perform a Brown song, but it will not be Chris.
Yeah, get up Hey Yeah, get up Oh, get busy Everybody's talking All this stuff about me Why don't they just Let me live They say I'm crazy I really don't care That's my prerogative They say I'm nasty But I don't give a damn Getting girls is how I live Some ask me questions Why am I so real But they don't understand me Or really don't know the deal about A brother Trying hard to make it right Not long ago Before I win this fight Sing Everybody's talking All this stuff about me Why don't they just Let me live, tell my why I don't need permission Make my own decisions Oh That's my prerogative It's my prerogative It's my prerogative I can do what I want to do It's my prerogative Tell me, tell me why Can't I Live my life Live my life Without all of the things That people say Ah, yeah Everybody's talking All this stuff about me Everybody's talking Why don't they just let me live Ooh It's my prerogative.
Cheese and rice, you scared me, Tina.
My name is Vicki, I am an android.
I'm fantastic.
Made of plastic.
She's Vicki the robot girl from Small Wonder.
The TV cult classic.
Small Wonder has made me the woman I am today, free to speak my mind and think outside the box.
Good afternoon, Jake.
Hey, Vicki.
That's it I've reached my guilty pleasures obscure-reference-that- nobody-cares-about limit.
I've got to go talk to some normal people.
I'm out of here.
Wait, wait, hold on.
I need to apologize first, okay? I didn't know about the Bobby Brown thing.
You do realize that Bobby Brown allegedly got Whitney Houston hooked on crack, right? Let me get this straight.
You know about Vicki the robot girl, but you didn't know about Bobby and Whitney? I'm out of here.
I will follow you.
No, go away.
Stop.
Hey, okay? So, this week has made me kind of crazy.
And I get why we don't support Chris Brown.
But, I mean, does it really matter what a couple of high school kids think? Maybe not.
But every ocean starts with one drop of water, right? I sound like my grandma.
Hey so are we okay? You know, I have a guilty pleasure I haven't told you about.
Please don't say me 'cause that would be very cheesy.
Oh, my God.
Actually it's anything starring Jessica Simpson.
But now that you mention it.
Hey.
What's this? I was hoping that I could have dinner with you tonight.
I'm sorry, is it not enough? I wasn't sure what the going rate was these days for male hookers.
Don't judge me.
Oh, really? For selling your body? Not everybody has doting daddies to pay their bills.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm such an idiot.
You told me that if we were honest with each other that anything was possible.
Why did you lie to me? Why did you lie to me? When did I lie to you? Who do you think did this to my face? Your ex-fiancé.
He jumped out of a bathroom, went all Frankenstein on me.
Finn came all the way here to do that? Yeah.
And who's the liar now? I know you still love him.
And I know that you slept with him at that wedding.
Did Santana tell you that? No one had to tell me.
Look, I'm sorry that I lied about all that stuff, okay, but I meant everything that I ever said about how I feel about you.
You're right, I haven't been, uh completely honest with you.
I think that there was a part of me that was using this.
Partly to make Finn jealous and, um, the other part to just fill my own personal heartache.
So, what, this is it's just over? Yeah, uh it feels like it is.
Seeing you around is really gonna suck.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry Oh, you float like a feather In a beautiful world Oh, I wish I was special You're so very special Oh But I'm a creep I'm a creep I'm a weirdo I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here Oh-oh, oh-oh She's Running out The door She's running out She run, run, run Run Run Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so very special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here Mm, I don't belong here.
What's that? I wanted to do one more Phil Collins song before they made us put our guilty pleasures back in the closet.
Well, maybe we don't have to.
I mean, everybody seems to be having so much fun with them out on the table.
Maybe life's just better this way.
I don't know about that.
I think if we always indulged ourselves in that kind of thing, I think we'd make a lot of people pretty uncomfortable.
You don't have to be uncomfortable.
Dude, it's okay.
I-I get it.
Your your guilty pleasure is me.
Um I mean, I-I've known all year, and you know, frankly, I'm an attractive guy, and you are into dudes, and if you weren't into me, I'd probably be pretty offended.
Hm-hm, um you're not freaked out? Because I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.
I mean, you've been there for me Dude.
Okay.
Just stop.
Throughout this whole Kurt thing Nothing's gonna change.
Stop.
Nothing is going to change.
Oh.
Okay? We're like we're like brothers.
I trust you, and you know, to tell you the truth, the attention feels kind of kind of good.
It-It's flattering.
Hug it out.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hug it out.
Oh.
Um Dude, um please tell me that that is only a pack of Life Savers in your pocket.
Oh, yeah, no, they're breath mints.
Oh.
Do you want one? Uh, yeah, sure.
All right.
Mm, thanks.
All right.
Let's go lead one more class.
I have a song that everyone's gonna love, so Wait up.
This this is crazy.
This show is like crack.
I cannot believe this was on regular TV.
I thought you'd like this Facts of Life marathon.
Thank God I recorded six months of it on the DVR.
Thank you, TV Land! Okay, so please tell me that the chick on this motorcycle and that super bitch get together in the end.
They do not, but George Clooney joins the cast later No way.
As the handyman with a heart of gold.
Oh, I love those guys.
And a mullet.
Okay, we have to turn this into a musical so that I can play Jo.
Can I be Blair, and we can do a duet? Oh Well, that depends on what, uh, happened with you and the American Psycho.
Yeah, we had a-a pretty mature and honest conversation.
You know, we decided that we're obviously gonna be professional, because we're gonna see each other all the time, and be in each other's lives because we go to the same school.
But, um but yeah, it's it's over.
For real.
And, you know, I really have you to thank.
Because you didn't give up, and you really were trying to make me see, and I-I appreciate you getting Finn to come and defend my honor.
I know that was you, so I swear I will never doubt your Mexican psychic third eye ever again.
Why the long face? You've got a hot boyfriend pillow in there named Colin.
I named him Colin after the non-threatening boy in The Secret Garden, 'cause I know you loved it.
Don't be sad.
I'm not.
I'm good, I I feel ready.
You know? I-I-I'm ready for my Funny Girl audition, and to maybe start seeing older guys Mm And I'm definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate.
But I'm gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I am the one that is heartbroken and going through a breakup and found out that my boyfriend was some weirdo man-whore, I'm gonna get to pick the movie tonight, okay? And I think we should pick the best guilty pleasure movie musical ever.
I've been cheated by you Since I don't know when So I've made up my mind It must come to an end Mm, look at me now Will I ever learn? I don't know how But I suddenly lose control There's a fire within my soul Just one look, and I can hear a bell ring One more look, and I forget everything Oh-oh Mamma mia Here I go again My, my, how can I resist ya? Mamma mia Does it show again? My, my Just how much I've missed ya I've been angry inside about things that you do I can't count all the times That I told you we're through And when you go When you slam the door I think you know That you won't be away too long You know that I'm not that strong Just one look And I can hear a bell ring One more look, and I forget everything Whoa-oa Mamma mia Here I go again My, my, how can I resist ya? Mamma mia, does it show again? My, my, just how much I missed ya Yes, I've been brokenhearted Ooh, since the day we parted Why, why Did I ever let you go? Mamma mia Mamma mia Now I really know My, my I could never let you go Mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba Whoa-oa-oa Oh-oh oh Whoa-oa-oa Oh-oh oh Mamma mia.