Grounded For Life (2001) s04e17 Episode Script

All right.
Get 'em while they are hot.
Okay.
Deal 'em.
Okay.
Lily and, uh, Lily.
Jimmy? Kind of big for Jimmy.
Well, they're not mine.
They-- Oh, my God.
"Property of Brad O' Keefe.
" We are washing Brad's underwear! How did Brad's underwear get in-- God, what are you givin' them to me for? This is bad enough that they're doing it here.
But this? Huh? They're rubbing my face in Brad's underwear! This has to stop, right here, right now! What? What can we do? I think this calls for forbidding.
Honey, listen to me.
My dad forbade me from seeing this guy I was dating.
Didn't work out so well.
Dad, I'm so glad you made me break up with Larry.
Otherwise, I never would have met Spider.
[revs engine.]
Gun it, honey.
Okay, maybe I can't stop them from doing what they're doing.
But I am not washing any more of Brad O'Keefe's underwear.
What are you, King Midas? Throwing away perfectly good undershorts? Dad, what version of King Midas did you read? Hey, Jimmy, how was your day? Good day? Even if they don't fit, they make a perfectly good rag.
I don't know.
It was lame.
They made me sign this stupid abstinence pledge.
[laughs.]
You? Well, you don't have to make it sound so ridiculous.
Oh, I guess they made everyone sign it.
Yes, and thanks for the confidence boost.
I can't believe you're taking this so seriously.
Well, it is serious.
What are you guys talkin' about? Nothing.
Hey, those are my underpants.
[laughs.]
No, they're not.
I found them out in the "Property of Brad O'Keefe?" Why would these say-- Here, let me return them to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop.
What? I was just gonna choke him a little.
I don't know what you're so hung up about.
It's just a stupid abstinence pledge.
It doesn't mean anything.
Well, that's not what Sister Helen said.
It's a pledge to abstain from sex until you're married.
Sign it at the bottom.
It will help you make smart choices.
Like, what choices? Not to have sex until you're married.
So our choice is to choose to wait? That's right.
Oh.
Well, are there any other choices? No.
How is that a choice? I can wait as long as you can, Miss Finnerty.
And so can the rest of the class.
Fine.
Well, yeah, but then you signed it.
I signed it "Christina Aguilera.
" Look, it doesn't matter.
The whole thing is meaningless.
Meaningless? It's a holy document! It's a Xerox of a fax.
Yeah, a holy Xerox of a fax.
Brad, look, it doesn't matter.
Okay? It's a big joke.
They made Jimmy sign it.
Well, yeah, I guess you're right.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Ohhh! Hey, Brad.
Oh.
Hey, Mr.
Finnerty.
Hey.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go mow the lawn.
Uhnow? Yeah.
Yeah.
You know Claudia asked, and I swore to God I'd do it today, anddealing with His wrath? [laughs.]
No, thank you.
It's gettin' dark out.
Doesn't matter.
I mean, he sees everything you do.
Everything.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, it's only mowin' the lawn, right? But no.
A promise to the Big Guy? [chuckles.]
Incur His wrath? No, thank you.
All right.
Have a good one.
** [rock.]
Hey, Henry.
What's with the clip-on? Eh, we're goin' to stupid church.
Wanna play some catch? Sorry, Henry, I don't do catch.
Please, please, please, please.
All right, give me the ball.
Ah! Cool! All right! Thanks, Uncle Eddie.
I really, really appreciate it.
All right, come on.
Hard as you can.
Wing it.
Oh, man! You throw like the old lady from Titanic.
All right, that's it.
"I love you, Jack! I love you, Jack! Oh.
" Ha ha! That's funny.
That's funny.
You're on a roll.
Hey, Eddie.
What are you watchin'? Oh.
It's a documentary.
About what? About the making of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar.
Do you know that the water's actually much colder than it looks? Aha! You enjoying this? Very much.
Yeah? Well, how's this abstinence pledge comin'? So far, so good.
'Cause you know, Jimmy, uh abstinence is abstinence, no matter how many people are involved.
Or how few.
What do you mean? Well, I mean your body is a temple not a pull toy.
What are you all dressed up for? Church.
Yeah, that's what Henry said, too.
Yeah.
It's the truth.
Good morning.
What are you all dressed up for? We're going to church.
[chuckling.]
You guys are good.
Honey, what did you do? Look, it had a stain.
Sweetie, the wet spot is ten times more visible than the stain.
Put on another tie.
This is my tie.
Come on, you only have one tie? I only have three pairs of socks.
You think I have another tie? All right.
I'll go find somethin'.
Okay, she's gone.
What's the deal? What? What, I can't get back in touch with my faith? No.
Okay.
All right.
This is the deal.
Brad made a promise to God.
Okay? So I'm tryin' to take advantage of that.
Hey.
Lily home? Uh, no, Brad, she's not.
She just ran out to the store.
But she'll be back in a few minutes.
Which isn't really a long time when you think about it, huh? Compared to an eternity in hell.
Can you picture an eternity in hell? Huh? Imagine this.
You're on this burning, hot beach a million miles wide.
And the only thing on this beach is you and the smell of your burning flesh.
And every million years or so, a bird comes by and takes a single grain of sand.
If that bird came a million times once every million years and took a million grains of sand eternity would've scarcely begun.
Oh, man! That's one beach I wouldn't want to go to.
[grunts.]
Hell Beach.
Me, either.
So you're using church to screw with Lily's boyfriend.
Pretty much.
Ah.
Good.
Good.
I thought you were getting weird on me.
Whoa! Sorry! Sorry! Ooh.
That's okay.
I--I got it.
I got it.
What is all this? Anna Kournikova? Ha ha! Kyra Knightly? Beyoncé? Oh, God.
Is this about that stupid pledge? I don't know what you're talkin' about.
I'm just getting rid of some junk.
Okay? Oh, my God.
Is that a Maidenform ad? Oh Mother's Day's right around the corner.
We always struggle to find Mom the right gift.
Oh! Cool! Star Wars Queen Amidala inflatable chair! Gimme that! [chuckles.]
Oh, that is just wrong.
You look nice.
It's a special day.
We're all goin' to church.
Yeah.
Umyou know, I was thinkin'.
Since everybody's goin' to church, the house is gonna be empty.
Maybe you and me could hang out.
No, no, no.
Bad idea.
Why? Wellbecause sometimes our hanging out leads to, um temptations of the flesh.
[sighs.]
Brad, you're kidding me.
No.
I wish I were, but I signed a pledge that said no sex outside of marriage.
Wait.
So because we're not married, we can't do anything? I'm afraid so.
Wait.
So--So we can't fool around in Matthew's basement anymore? I'm sorry! And no more makin' out in the band room after school? [sighs.]
I guess not.
Sowhen your parents go out of town, we--we can't use their hot tub? [exhales sharply.]
Lily Finnerty will you marry me? What?! No! It's the only way! Brad, get up! What has gotten into you?! I don't know! This whole thing's got me all wound up! Okay.
Right.
Sit down, okay? Just relax.
Take a deep breath.
Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Ohhh Is that better? Yeah.
Now Lily Finnerty, will you please marry me?! Brad, will you stop proposing to me?! Well, then stop tempting me! Okay? I don't want to spend eternity on a beach in hell! What are you talking about? Listen, every million years, a bird takes away a grain of sand.
One! What bird? Where are you getting this from? You don't believe me? Ask your dad.
He knows.
Does he! You gotta see this.
What? Hey, Uncle Eddie, would you throw me an orange? I'll hand you an orange.
I don't want to walk all the way over there.
Well, then, I guess you're not getting an orange.
What did you want me to see? Here, I'll do it.
I'm Uncle Eddie.
Wheeeee! Ha ha ha ha ha! All right, Henry, leave your uncle alone.
But it's so funny! He can't help it.
He was born that way.
Just leave it alone.
What do you mean, I was born that way? This doesn't concern you.
Tell me.
What is it? Uh, it--Let it go.
What's doneis done.
What was done? What are you talkin' about? All right.
You want the truth? Fine.
When you were three months old, we stuck a rattle in your crib.
And you reached out and picked it up and shook it with your left hand.
Your poor little right hand justlay there like a useless nub.
You mean You were born left-handed.
But I'm a righty.
Surenow.
We fixed you! Meand the nuns.
Why would you do that? Why would you do that to me? Nobody wants to be a lefty, son.
You should thank me for this.
Now you can drive a stick.
You can go to fancy dinner parties without bumping your neighbor's elbow.
I always knew I was different that I didn't fit in.
Now I guess I know why.
Oh, Eddie, come on.
All right.
So are you gonna throw the orange or not? Yeah, I'm gonna throw it, Henry.
I'm gonna throw it with my left hand.
Ha ha-- At least he was honest.
So, uh Grandpa.
Was I born with any weird stuff? You came out with webbed feet.
Really?! We had it taken care of.
Oh, man! It's not fair! I could've been the human frog.
Is this tie okay? It seems a little short.
Oh, just close your jacket.
It'll be fine.
Okay.
We'll just have to get you some more ties, now that we're goin' to church.
Ohyou know church just feels right.
What's up with the whole church act? Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Lily, knock it off.
I think it's great what your dad's doing.
I don't want to hear any more complaining.
Brad says that Dad's been talking to him.
Yeah, I've just given him a little spiritual guidance.
He won't come near me.
Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.
What did you tell Brad? Nothing! I just told him that, you know, church is important and so is praying.
Mm-hmm.
You told me you wanted to go to church--for us! Babe-- You're just using it to scare the crap out of Brad! You're just as upset about Brad and Lily as I am.
Where are all your big ideas, huh? Okaylet's put a chastity belt on her.
Let's lock her in the basement.
Well, finally! All right! I feel like we're a team on this thing! Okay.
Brad what was it that you were asking me before? You told me to stop asking that.
I changed my mind.
Mmm.
[sighs.]
[chuckles.]
[laughing.]
Lily Finnerty will you marry me? Yes, I will! Oh, my God! Are we going-- Yes! Whoo! Congratulations! You know what? Your little plan is really starting to suck.
Come on, baby, she's bluffing.
Oh, my God! I gotta tell my parents! I gotta plan a bachelor party! Let's go to church and reserve a date! I've never been happier! Me, neither! Aaahh! Hey, Dad.
This is a pretty wedding dress.
Don't you think? Oh, yeah.
It's beautiful.
[chuckles.]
You know, I was thinking about a summer wedding.
What do you think, Dad? Hey, why wait? Why not do it in the spring? Well, how about next month? How about next week? How about Wednesday? Not as good as Tuesday.
How's tomorrow? You know what? Some guys are coming down to the bar to sandblast the urinals.
I should be there, but what the hell! It's your special day! Fine! Fine! It's all happening so fast! Nothing is happening, Brad.
I know it's sudden, but you'll get used to the idea, Mom.
Excuse me? UhMama? No.
Mommy? Ew.
Stop it.
Well, the Catholic Church had a pretty good run.
all of you ruined it.
Yo.
Hey, I was there to worship.
My ass.
I think I'll light a candle for those about to marry.
I'm gonna light one for all the frog children who were robbed of their powers.
Henry.
It did not look nice.
I'm gonna light one for the fornicators.
No.
That's not what they're for.
And I'm lighting one for hypocrites! Enough with the damn candles.
And this one's for manipulative fathers! And their spiteful daughters.
Stop it.
Knock it off! Oh, baby, those candles weren't all ours.
Sorry.
Sorry! I'll--I'll get all those goin' again for ya.
Well, I'm gonna start goin' to that Korean church where nobody knows me.
I'm goin' with you.
Maybe I could get married at the Korean church.
Let's call the Korean! Do you mind if I run that by my parents? Now, you're not invited to my Korean church! Would you just relax, baby? I told you, she is bluffing.
It started as a bluff.
Let me tell you something about your daughter.
She's you.
And I mean that in a bad way.
You keep pushing her on this thing.
You think she's just gonna back down? Uh-uh.
No way.
She's got your stubborn genes.
Well, I am not backin' down.
And there it is.
Hey, Dad.
Eddie.
How you doin'? How you think I'm doin'? My whole life has been a lie.
My own father was ashamed of what I was--a lefty.
So he beat it outta me! I never beat you! For that.
Well, I made a list of all the things I've been through because of what you did to me.
Read it.
I can't.
Read it! You read how you've made me suffer! I can't read it.
It's chicken scratch! You know why, Dad? Because for the first time in my life, I used my left hand.
You gotta face what you done to me! [kids giggling.]
Ohh! Yes-- Eddie! Sorry.
Jeffrey.
Secondon.
Touman.
DiMito.
Luciano.
Freeman Do you need some help? No.
Nope.
I got it.
That's only nine.
We need one more.
Sherman! Who knows what I might've been capable of if you'd just let me be the way nature intended.
I'm sorry, Eddie.
I--I guess I just didn't want to admit that my son was a aa you know.
Yeah, you say it.
[sighs.]
You're a lefty.
Yeah.
Just as God intended me to be.
So, uhwe okay? Oh, no, man.
Not by along shot.
You gotta shake my hand.
Not like that.
Oh, this just feels creepy! * Here comes the bride * * Dum dum-dum dum * * Dum dum-dum-dum * * Dum dum, Here comes the bride * Where's my dad? He's in the kitchen.
Come on, Eddie.
[loudly.]
* Here comes the bride! * * Dum duh-duh dum! * Hello.
What are you doin' in my wedding dress? Well, I thought you'd want me to wear it.
Okay.
First of all, have you looked in the mirror? [laughs.]
Second of all, you're not getting married.
Dad gave his blessing.
Oh, my God! Oh! I'm not supposed to see you in that! It's bad luck for our marriage! Brad, there is no marriage.
I knew it was bad luck.
[knock at door.]
Sister Helen! Mr.
Finnerty.
Please.
Come in, Sister.
So good to see you.
So, as you can see, Lily found a clever way to get around the abstinence pledge.
Yes, I know.
Your wife called and told me.
Not that your plan wasn't workin' out great.
Sister Helen, would you do us the honor of blessing our union? Don't drag me into this charade.
If I want my intelligence insulted, I'll grade papers.
Lily, Brad, marriage is a sacred institution.
It's not meant to be mocked.
But the pledge said that we were-- Oh, please don't quote that ridiculous pledge.
Ridiculous? I would hardly call church law ridiculous.
And I would hardly call that pledge church law.
It's just something the Monsignor saw on 60 Minutes II.
Ha! So the pledge is stupid and meaningless.
Oh, man! Now, Lily, abstinence as a concept is a worthwhile and noble thing to aspire to.
Aspire to? Sure.
I think we can aspire to that.
[chuckles.]
Hey, I can aspire till the cows come home.
Yeah.
This is great.
This is great.
Thank you.
Terrific, Sister.
So, then, wait.
We're--We're not gonna get married, then? We were never gonna get married, Brad.
But I was really looking forward to-- Oh! [Brad.]
All right, then.
Where are you going with my bridal magazine? Oh.
[chuckles.]
Is this a bridal magazine? Excuse us.
We're going out front.
I'm gonna play catch with my son the southpaw.
Get used to it, Sister.
Umanyway, I assume I won't be seeing you in church next Sunday? Oh, no, no.
You assume wrong.
What? You have a lot to atone for.
All right.
All right.
All right.
You'll be seeing us.
Go take the dress off, Lily.
Yes, ma'am.
I'll give you a hand.
Whoa, ho, Brad.
Hey.
You go up those stairs, the next time you go to church, it's gonna be in a box.
Yes, sir.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA