Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e17 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Two years' work, Captain.
Complete in every detail.
I'm proud of it.
A brilliant conception Herr General, if I may say so.
Operation Hannibal assures us ultimate victory no matter what our temporary reverses may be.
The Fuhrer will be pleased.
You may tell Hitler I will bring him the plans at Bergtesgaden, at his orders.
Coffee, Father? Captain? Ah! Thank you, my dear.
Danke, Fraulein.
Father.
Now, please, don't work too hard.
Oh My daughter is really in command of this post, Captain.
So I see.
Your boys are doing a good job.
Yeah, we want your railroads to look good, Schultz, when our planes bomb them.
Jolly joker, sir.
Hey, we got company.
Where? What? Who? The best kind, too.
( all yelling ) Back, back, back, back, back! Please, Fraulein! It is verboten.
You cannot give the prisoners anything.
Come on, Schultz, have a heart.
Please, Colonel Hogan, I have my orders.
It is not allowed for civilians to associate with prisoners.
Sergeant, I am not exactly a civilian.
My father is General Von Behler.
General Von Behler? Oh, that's different.
But it is still the same, please.
Oh, come on, Schultz, break the rules.
And Commandant Klink is going to break me.
With all respect I cannot let them have anything but it is not against the rules to feed the brave, handsome soldiers of the Third Reich.
There is enough for you and for them.
You've never seen him eat.
He's one of the great vacuum cleaners of our time.
The sandwiches are very fresh.
I just made them, especially the cheese.
A-ha! Oh You disobeyed orders.
You are under arrest! Give me that! Come on, Schultz.
What are you getting so GI about? I promise you, there will be trouble.
What can they do, bloody court-martial him? It's possible.
Court-martial? Forget it.
There'll never be a trial.
Impossible.
Soon as our backs are turned, he'll eat the evidence.
And, at approximately 2:30 on the afternoon of the 19th, while doing roadwork, the prisoner, Corporal LeBeau, disobeying the orders of Sergeant Schultz, snatched a cheese sandwich from Fraulein Von Behler.
Thank you, Frau Hilda.
Sergeant Schultz, is that charge correct? Yes, Herr Kommandant, except for one very important detail-- the sandwich was on pumpernickel bread.
Toasted or untoasted? We will get to that in due time.
Now, Corporal LeBeau, you have heard the charge against you.
How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? Is there anything else I could plead? He pleads not guilty.
Let him speak for himself.
He's to refrain from answering on grounds it may incriminate him.
But that's American law.
Get used to it, Colonel, get used to it.
So he is guilty.
Oh, why don't you just forget it? It's such small potatoes.
No, no, no! It was a cheese sandwich.
Based on this evidence alone, I could sentence the prisoner but I believe in fair play.
I want to hear all the facts in your favor.
And then you'll sentence him.
Exactly.
Corporal LeBeau, you can rely on me to give you every advantage.
Really? I'm all choked up.
Don't give him any ideas.
Silence! Sergeant Schultz, the evidence.
Let the record show we're now examining the evidence.
Let the record also show you're delaying the war.
Don't put that down.
Colonel Hogan, unwrap it.
A miracle! Schultz has had it 24 hours and didn't nibble.
It wasn't easy, Colonel.
Exhibit "A" for the Third Reich-- one cheese sandwich on pumpernickel with butter.
I like mine with a little mustard.
Quiet.
This sandwich has not been touched.
I told you, not guilty.
According to the statement of a reliable witness, this prisoner has disobeyed a direct order.
He was pushed from behind, lost his balance, reached out and accidentally grabbed the sandwich.
( chuckles ) Do you expect me to believe that? That's not bad.
Now, based on the evidence today, I find the prisoner, Corporal LeBeau, guilty, and sentence him to five days in the cooler.
He is to be on full rations, but he must be confined for five days.
That is the judgment of this court-martial.
I object! And so do I! You said it was going to be a fair trial.
You're prosecutor, judge and jury.
Is that fair? It is to me.
I've never lost a case yet.
Schultz! Easy, Carter.
Don't burn it.
Looks like it was done with lemon juice.
Boy! Lemons are expensive in the winter.
Yeah, well, a general's daughter can afford them.
Yeah, I know, but I'll bet you can go in town right now, and you could try to buy lemons, and I don't know what it would cost you, but it would cost a Oh, shut up.
All right, come on.
It would cost a lot.
Sure, it would.
You can't even find them Shut up.
Here it is, sir.
"Have vital information.
Urgent.
Make contact quickly.
"Recognition code: 'I am the Phoenix.
' Answer: 'I rise in flames.
'" Vital information? Mm-hmm.
Her father's on Hitler's planning staff.
The general's daughter selling him out.
A man never knows, does he? She's been feeding London intelligence for better than a year-- always very careful-- high-grade stuff-- but nothing that could hurt her father.
Anti-Nazi? There are a few.
A good-looking bird as well.
How do we make the contact? Sir, I'd like to volunteer for this mission.
I appreciate that, Newkirk, but I'd better handle this one myself.
Yeah, like I said, she's a good-looking bird as well.
Hedy Von Behler is a very important agent.
She needs to be handled carefully by an officer.
Well, I'd do that.
And that's what the Colonel's afraid of.
Oh, shut up and do your laundry.
Oh, yeah? Well, that's the last secret ironing I'll ever do for you.
All right, knock it off.
I need an officer's uniform, I.
D.
cards, ration books-- the works.
Luftwaffe? Yeah, but what unit? If I meet the general, he might ask questions, might even check on me.
I would.
I know.
Sir, let me go over there.
I'll get in quickly, make no noise at all, and I'll tell her I'm an officer.
Heck, who'd believe that, even in wartime? Newkirk, you're a hard sell.
Blimey! I'm being attacked on two bloody fronts here.
Hey, why don't you just say you're Colonel Klink? No, not Klink.
What about Gruber? Gruber.
Yeah.
He's still on leave.
It'd be marvelous.
You know as much about this rat hole as he does.
What if the general calls Klink about Gruber? Newkirk, set up a switchboard.
Monitor incoming phone calls.
You know what to do.
Right, sir.
Okay, that's it.
I'll go out tomorrow night.
Achtung! Raus! Hey, that's marvelous, sir.
Perfect Nazi all the way.
Yeah.
You scared me.
Fine way to talk to your commanding officer.
( shutter clicks ) Captain Gruber? Can't seem to recall the name.
Perhaps it's my father you wish to see.
You, definitely.
"I am the Phoenix.
" "I rise in flames.
" I saw you on the road.
You make a very good sandwich.
Ah! We have a visitor.
I thought I knew all your young men, Hedy.
Permit me, Herr General.
Felix Gruber, Adjutant, Stalag 13.
Captain Gruber.
Captain Gruber and I met a few months ago, Father.
At a party for Winter Relief in Hammelburg.
I see.
Stalag 13? Tell me, is that jackass Klink still in command? Oh, you know the colonel, sir? I do indeed.
Very fine officer.
It's a great privilege to serve under him.
I admire a man who defends his superiors.
That's not easy with Klink.
Well, I I leave you to my commanding officer.
Thank you, sir.
A great honor to meet you.
Be careful of him, my dear.
I can see he's a charmer.
It will be better if we talk here.
Even better if we don't get frostbite.
Oh, it is cold.
Oh, here.
Captain Gruber to the rescue.
Thank you.
Bitte.
You've been a prisoner a long time.
Whatever gave you that idea? Please listen.
The war has been going badly for us.
Hitler can keep the truth from the people, even some of the military men, but not from my father.
If these reverses continue, Germany could lose.
And that's a new idea? No.
There are some of us in Germany who would prefer to lose and be finished with Hitler than win and have to continue to live under him.
You're the ones that put him there.
He didn't get the job by answering a want ad.
Yes, but we must not let him go on.
Hitler has ordered my father to develop a plan of organized guerrilla warfare.
That could extend the war for years.
Exactly.
Operation Hannibal-- that's its code name-- could ruin any chance we have for a negotiated peace.
( door closes ) That's my father's study.
Operation Hannibal plans are there in the safe.
Stalag 13, bitte.
( ringing ) Stalag 13.
Guten Abend.
Heil Hitler.
I wish to speak with Colonel Klink.
He cannot be disturbed.
This is General Von Behler.
Oh, I'll disturb him, Herr General.
Believe me, I'll really disturb him.
Ah, General Von Behler.
What a great pleasure to hear from you, sir.
As I had a moment, I thought I'd call you.
How are things going? Getting along fine, Herr General.
Fighting the war to our full capacity.
Well, I suppose we have a chance anyway.
Tell me, how is that young man, your adjutant? I forget his name.
Captain Gruber? He's on leave at the moment.
Oh.
Gone home, I suppose? Actually, I'm not sure.
I've heard rumors he has a lady friend near Hammelburg, but one never knows.
Oh, well, it's not important.
Captain Gruber is a fine, dedicated young Nazi officer: heart of gold, nerves of steel, muscles of iron I'm not writing his biography.
I asked a simple question.
Thank you.
Good night.
He'll be going to bed now.
Pleasant dreams.
Give him an hour, and I'll try for the plans.
What about the combination? I have it but first you must agree to do it my way.
Your way? You do need the combination.
( sighs ): All right, you call the shots.
You must not remove the plans.
Photograph them.
On Saturday, my father is giving a party for a friend of his.
There will be people in the house, strangers.
You could move around freely without attracting any attention.
That is when it must be done.
All right, makes sense.
Saturday it is.
In all fairness, I must warn you I will protect my father at any cost.
If you or your men are caught, I will order the guards to shoot.
Do we understand each other? I get the general idea.
And you agree to my conditions? Mm-hmm.
At least I know where I stand or die.
Now, this is the main hall.
This is where the party's going to be.
This is the stairway leading to the upper floors.
This is the second floor, and this is the general's study.
These are the French doors opening out to the balcony.
That's how you and LeBeau are going to get in.
And how do we get out, sir? Carried by two Krauts with your arms folded over your chest.
Thank you, Mary Sunshine.
You get out the same way.
The balcony to the terrace below, back to the car.
We have to climb to the balcony from here, Colonel? That's right.
LeBeau gets out of the cooler tomorrow.
I want you to practice climbing.
I'll give you the approximate height.
I didn't do very well in the obstacle course in basic training, Colonel.
This is your chance to make a comeback.
Newkirk.
Sir? I want you to stay on the switchboard.
In case of a rumble, you may be able to confuse 'em, and have the darkroom ready for fast action.
Will do, sir.
All right, I'm not going to give you a song and dance how important this job is.
Operation Hannibal could extend the war indefinitely.
We could be in this dump till we're old men.
That's it, unless I've forgotten something.
What do we do about the noise when we blow the safe? You won't have to blow it.
Hedy gave me the combination.
I want you to memorize it and eat it.
Memorize it first.
Get in your room.
All right, cockroach, come out.
Voila, le monde! Sorry you had to take the rap.
Oh, it was nothing, mon Colonel.
( American accent ): I did the time standing on my head, pal.
Now I need a nice shower and a sleep in a real bed for two days.
I hate to tell you this, but I have another job for you.
Pour moi? Again? What am I around here, a one-man army? A small, delicate, efficient little army, yes.
Tell me, what's the news from Berchtesgarden? The Fuhrer wishes to meet with you next week.
Ah, wonderful job, my dear.
Thank you, Father.
What's the situation? A guard has been posted outside patrolling the terrace, and there's the usual one upstairs guarding my father's room.
No wonder Germany's losing the war.
Nobody's at the front.
They're all here on guard duty.
All right, it's time.
Where are you going? With you, Herr Kommandant.
I am your aide.
I walk two steps behind you and to your left.
Mm-hmm, until you get to the buffet table, then I lose you.
Now, stay in the car and don't fall asleep.
But, Herr Kommandant, when I follow you, and they see that you have an aide, they will have much more respect for you.
Respect or sympathy? Stay here.
I brought you some dinner.
Oh, danke, Fraulein Hedy.
I'll put it over here.
Danke schon.
( door shuts ) Mm.
( wind whistling ) Father, let me do that.
People have been asking for you.
Yes, yes, I know.
I had to have a smoke.
After all, they did come to see you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Now come along, darling.
Do your duty.
Jawohl, Herr Sergeant.
Oh, allow me.
May I please help you? Thank you so much.
Isn't it a perfectly lovely party? Excuse me.
I think there's someone there that I know.
Ooh, ooh, General Von Behler, what a great pleasure to see you again, sir.
Yes, Herr Colonel Klink, Klink, Wilhelm Klink.
Yes, of course.
My daughter.
Fraulein, you are as beautiful as your illustrious father is talented.
I need a drink.
What are you doing standing here drinking wine instead of walking your post?! Face me when I talk to you! Jawohl, Herr Captain.
Do you know what the penalty is for leaving your post? Jawohl, Herr Captain.
HOGAN: I could have you court-martialed for this.
General Von Behler must be protected.
It's your duty.
Jawohl, Herr Captain.
I'll overlook it this time.
I don't want to embarrass the general.
Return to your post.
Carry on.
Jawohl.
What's that? Danke, Herr Captain.
That's better.
Any trouble with the pictures? Everything's copacetic, Colonel.
Okay, no sweat.
Right, back to camp.
Colonel Hogan.
The film will be on its way to London tomorrow.
Oh, we were lucky.
Yeah, thanks.
Will we be seeing each other again? I don't know.
I can't go on being Captain Gruber.
My mother would never understand.
Oh, excuse me.
Hey, Colonel, we'd better haul freight out of here.
Is it possible to send an American to the eastern front? Ah, Gruber, you sly dog-- telling me you went to Berlin on your leave.
But I did, Colonel.
I saw you at General Von Behler's party with Fraulein Hedy in the parking lot.
Colonel, I give you my word.
I suppose it's a little bit too cold for that kind of work, but I guess Fraulein Hedy kept you warm.
HOGAN: Excuse me, Commandant.
Requisition for medical supplies.
At this hour? I like to get an early start.
Just a minute, Hogan.
Now, Gruber, I know you want to be discreet about this-- after all, it is a general's daughter-- but it would be nice occasionally when you go visiting to bring along your favorite commander, hmm? Sir, I don't know the general or his daughter.
All right, all right, we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Dismissed.
Good-bye.
There goes a man I've helped in every way.
I would think he could show a little bit of gratitude.
All I ask for is that he include me in some of his social activities with the general.
You never know about some people, do you, sir? True.
Very true.
For example, Hogan, you've been here two years.
Do I actually know you? Me? What's there to know? I mean, I have no secrets.
Really? The minute I hear a secret, I pass it along.