Mad About You s04e17 Episode Script

What do you think janson's doing right now? Janson who? Our dermatologist.
What's he doing? Yeah.
What's he doing right now? Right now, what, Yeah.
Probably sleeping.
Watching tv.
Come on.
You can do better than that.
O.
K.
Janson Janson is roaming the streets With some cream and a laser, And he's removing things from people, But without their permission, Almost against their will, And then he runs, he runs away.
He has a mask so you can't recognize him, And the police chase him, But he's fast, he's fast like the wind, So he eludes them.
You're very good to me.
* tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into * * the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * Can i just say that right now I have everything i need in life? I got my special k, a pretty girl who likes me, Sports section of the times.
Want to try the honey nut bran? Nope.
Cereals with a "k" can't beat 'em.
Want the front section? Mmm.
Sports section.
Happy, happy.
items in the paper.
Yeah, but you know what? Ehh.
"Deep freeze grips southern states.
" So.
It's the south.
It'll pass.
"Hillary clinton embattled.
" She's embattled.
They should just Leave her alone, the nice lady.
"Malaysia signs trade pact.
" Babe.
All right, all right.
[Telephone rings.]
Look at this.
"Nickel increase in subway token expected.
" I worked on this with brockwell.
Hey, it's me.
How you doing? I'm good, i'm good.
You? Yeah, good.
I'm fine.
Yeah, it's good except What? Nah.
Notnaw.
Nothing.
What? No.
No, it's nothing.
I don't even know why i bring it up! No, it's stupid! It's fran.
Fran? What? And ira.
Fran and ira? When's he going to stop with that? Mark, it is over with those guys.
Yeah, so you keep saying.
So they keep saying, right? But yesterday i'm over at fran's, right? And who stops by out of the blue, out of nowhere? Ira? Ira.
Well, they're friends.
Yeah, see, i don't buy that.
Who stops over in the middle of the afternoon? It's upsetting me! And i'll tell you something.
What? I'm starting to understand crimes of passion.
[Beep.]
You know what? Hold that very important thought.
The thing is beeping.
Look.
"Nickel increase would fund street renaming.
" Hello? Hey.
Hey, splinky.
How is it to be you? Iris.
She's killing me.
Hold on one sec.
Iris.
She's killing him.
Hey.
Hey.
Now she won't talk to me.
What did you do? I don't know.
She won't talk to me! What do you want me to do? This is brockwell's big plan, to rename the streets? I'll call mark back.
Hang on one second.
Mark.
This is how over it is.
Ira is on the other phone complaining.
He's being tortured by another woman.
Really? I swear to you.
Right now.
On the other line.
Tortured.
If i could only believe that.
Why wouldn't you? It's not that i don't.
He's up to something.
Mark, the man is o.
K.
O.
K.
Call me back.
Call me back.
It's like talking to a neurotic auctioneer.
Ira? Yeah.
I ask her like a hundred times what's wrong? Every time, the same answer.
What? Nothing.
Nothing! You understand? She will not talk to me.
"Major streets to be given names Like avenue of the americas.
" You ever been there? They should just call it "run for your life boulevard.
" She'll just make faces.
It's like dating harpo marx.
[Beep.]
I'm sorry.
Hang on one second.
Hello? Hey.
Hey.
Mine or yours? * it's special k time ** What's going on? Mark's upset about ira again because ira came over When mark was there.
I heard.
Ira was returning a crockpot! Are you sure it's over between you and ira? Yes! All right.
Hold on.
Ira, are you sure it's over between you and fran? Absolutely.
All right.
She says hello, by the way.
Oh.
Hello back.
We'll have dinner, the six of us, You, mark, me, paul, ira, and iris.
Mark will see it's over, And we'll make nice to iris, And she'll start talking to ira again.
Great idea.
We'll have dinner, the six of us.
You and iris, me and paul, mark and fran.
Mark will see that it's over, We'll make nice to iris, And she'll start talking to ira again.
It's a great idea.
Honey, we're going to have dinner, The six of usyou, me, mark, fran, ira, and iris.
That's not a good idea.
It'll help knit them together.
I don't want to knit.
He thinks it's a great idea.
Who? Who? Ira.
He says hello.
Tell him hello.
I already did.
You'll tell mark? Yeah.
Then i'll speak to you.
Honey.
So you'll speak to iris? I'll speak to iris.
She won't speak to me, Then i'll speak to you.
Honey, can i speak to you? Look, can you explain one thing to me? Honey? Honey! What? Pick up! Who is it? Me! What? Why are we doing this? Because they're our friends.
Yeah, but it will be for us An evening of guaranteed pain.
But we're their glue people.
We hold them together, Our little circle of friends.
That's our job.
How'd we get that job? Because we're the least crazy.
Yeah, but by a little.
By so little.
They look up to us, i think, socially.
They look up to us? Don't you think a little? I don't know.
I'll think about it.
I'll call you back from the living room.
And so, The swans of the central park boat pond Stagger toward extinction While new york turns and unfeeling ear.
That's so sad.
It's heartbreaking, for crying out loud! Nothing's sadder than man's cruelty to animals.
[Telephone rings.]
So sad.
Hello.
[Jamie.]
put your tv on.
or new york 1.
Why? What is the big deal? Put your tv on! First of all, let me say thank you Hi! Look at you! You're on tv.
I'm on tv! Look at you.
Look at her.
She looks damn good! So wait a second.
You're on tv, And you're talking to me.
I know.
Wow! Soso signal me or something.
Do something that only i could know.
O.
K.
O.
K.
Watch.
You ready? Watch.
I Love Greek dancing! You.
You love me.
I do, i do.
She loves me.
She's a fine young woman.
Do something else.
O.
K.
All right, watch.
Watch very closely.
This is the first human breast ever on live television.
Get out of here! Ready? Yeah.
Daee! Hey, this is fun.
It's a whole lot of fun! What are you looking at? So what are you doing there? Just been making calls about the dinner.
Oh, this dinner Fran's nervous that mark will be uncomfortable, But i mollified her.
What? Calmed her down.
So say that! I have decided to seek the office of mayor of new york city.
I'd like to introduce team brockwell Special assistant doug berkus, And my campaign chairpeople, ms.
Jamie buchman And miss fran devenow.
The dinner's going to be fun.
We have towhat? I have to go.
"First avenue to be renamed avenue of the immigrants.
" Would you ever drive down a street Called avenue of the immigrants? Of course not.
You have no car.
I am a campaign manager For a candidate for the office For the mayor of the city of new york! And very telegenic.
May i say that? Want to hear my My idea for the campaign? Yes.
Shoot.
Paul buchman directs lance brockwell's commercials! Oh! No, no, no.
You'd be perfect! Oh, no, no! You're a genius.
You'd work harder than some hired gun.
Wait.
Just hear me out.
O.
K.
Please! Sweetie, it's politics.
I'm not i'm, like I'm against i'm, like, anti i'm non You're apolitical.
Apolitical.
Yeah.
I'm switzerland.
I don't get involved.
Switzerland would get involved under certain circumstances.
Like what? Like if its wife asked it to.
You know what? I'm not that crazy about brockwell.
Really? Yeah.
No, to me he's a little officious.
Officious? Yes.
That's a word i'm proud to know.
Well, he's not officious.
At worst, he's indefatigable.
Is this like a contest with you? And that's at worst.
Plus that whole renaming the street thing It's a symbolic gesture.
It'll make people feel good.
It raises their subway prices.
It'll make them feel broke.
It's not just street renaming.
They're building that school in staten island, Getting rid of those awful plates on 8th avenue.
sophie tucker drive? It's a nickel! It's the principle.
Plus it said in the article I'm reading all the sections now It says brockwell in 1993 was the commissioner of parks.
turned its back on the swans, Little dying swans in central park boat pond.
So are you saying you're going to vote for giuliani? Yes.
Wellha.
Obviously it's your vote to do with as you please.
Oh, thank you.
But that would be a crushing mistake.
I don't believe it would.
I know that it would be a crushing mistake.
Brockwell is smarter than giuliani.
He has vision.
Vision of what, streets with new names? The nazis did that.
Oh, don't start with the nazis.
You always play the nazi card.
And something else the nazis were officious.
That is the cheapest way to win an argument, Just call in the nazis.
Only when it's appropriate.
You think i couldn't win an argument that way? We're voting for different mayors.
Is that a big deal? Yes! Don't you agree that our personal politics Are reflections of our moral color And that moral and intellectual compatibility Are elementally important? I don't know what you just said.
A crushing mistake.
Do you think so? And you should be supporting your spouse.
I support you.
That's different.
You're going to be anti-Swan? Fine.
You know what? Vote for whoever you want.
Thank you.
It's a crushing mistake.
There it is.
A nickel.
That's all he's saying.
One puny little nickel.
And besides, brockwell is more educated than giuliani.
He has more class than giuliani.
He's going to make new york new york again Fun city, the big apple, Gotham.
I've never been more frightened in my life.
Just meet with berkus.
Let him tell you about brockwell.
How long have you been waiting there? If, after that, you still don't believe in him, And you still don't want to do the spots, Then i promise the issue is closed.
O.
K.
You'll meet with berkus? Yeah.
Just stop yelling.
You won't be sorry.
What if i am? Stop yelling at me.
But you won't be.
Look, i appreciate it, and i love my wife, But i got to tell you, i'm not interested.
I understand.
I understand completely.
No.
You're just saying that So you can talk me into directing this brockwell commercial.
No, i respect your opinion, paul.
Hey, that street renaming thing Not brockwell's finest hour.
Come on.
Emerson boozer avenue.
Oh ho.
And he did turn his back on the swans at the boat pond.
And that is so sad.
So sad.
And believe me, he feels terrible about it.
All right.
I believe you.
Here you go.
To be honest, He can be a little officious.
Well, uh No, he can be.
Well- Paul, between us, he's officious.
All right.
Between you and me.
I am a big fan of jamie's, and if jamie tells me You're the man to direct this commercial, Then you tell me what to do to make it happen.
I don't know what to tell you You know, our visions of new york city Really aren't all that far apart.
They're not.
Hear me out on this, o.
K.
? O.
K.
We see a shining new york city.
Well, who doesn't? A new york in which optimism has replaced bleakness.
That would be nice.
In which we face tomorrow with a spring in our step, Knowing that we live in the world's greatest town.
And don't we.
And we want people to recapture that magical way That we all used to feel about new york.
Remember as a kid, the hayden planetarium? Fourth grade.
My field trip.
O.
K.
Or the met.
I don't go, but i mean to.
And thinking, "god, i can't believe i get to live here!" Well, i grew up in queens, but also nice.
And we want new yorkers to wake up to a new day And see the statue of liberty Or the empire state building Or the majesty of the sheep's meadow And say, "damn it" It's morning in central park again.
Oh, my god.
Did you just think of that? I just did, right there.
There's a new day dawning in new york And a new spirit with it.
It's a spirit that knows that soon, As sure as the sun will rise over avenue of the immigrants, New york will once again be the city of dreams.
Paid for by Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Wow! What did i do? You're a genius! I'm a manipulator of minds.
I'm a propagandist! I'mi'm leni reifenshtal! No, no.
I don't think so.
I am.
I'm leni reifenshtal.
No, you're not.
At least be proud of your work.
I'm going to throw up.
Please don't.
I'm going straight to hell for this.
Well, eat something first.
We'll do a full media blitz.
No.
No blitz.
No blitz.
Print ads.
Radio lifts.
We got to talk.
We will.
Be a glue person.
Hi.
Is ira here yet? Not yet.
Good.
Because i need to soak up the place, You know, get comfortable to my surroundings.
O.
K.
I'm fine.
O.
K.
Sit down.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know your ex-Husband.
Hi.
How you doing? Is mark nervous? He's calming down, and so should you.
Oh, cool as a cucumber.
Hey, what's up? Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
You know mark and fran.
So you're mark, which would make you fran.
Ha ha.
She talks.
Sure, to you.
Listen, i know that you and ira I'm not talking to him.
Don't ask me to talk to him.
I wasn't going to say that, buto.
K.
That's fine.
So So how is everybody? Good.
Good.
Very good.
Yeah, good.
I'm good.
How are you guys? We're good.
Good.
We're good.
Hey, maybe we'll get some drinks.
How about a little bruschetta for the table? Absolutely.
Yeah.
Isn't it brusketta? Brushetta.
I thought it was brush-Chetta.
The bread with the topping Yeah.
That's that's what i mean.
Oh, paulie, congratulations On the brockwell for mayor commercial.
Did you see it? It's on all the time.
It's impressive.
Isn't it? Sure is.
I'm of two minds about it That brockwell commercial's yours, paul? Isn't it great? It's brilliant.
It's moving and stirring.
It'sand brilliant.
Well, ii got to tell you.
In my heart, i'm sorry You directed the brockwell commercial? I did.
First time since the campaign of edmond muskie That my mind was actually changed by one of those.
Really? You were going to vote for giuliani? Yeah, but that would have been a crushing mistake.
I was completely on the fence until i saw it, And now i am a brockwell guy.
Oh, oh before you choose, Study both candidates, look at the platforms Excuse me.
Did you say you directed The lance brockwell for major commercial? Because my whole family Can you get us the bread with the topping? Bruskeeta? Whatever it is.
Family of 12.
All voters.
Good to hear.
Thank you.
You really can't be swayed by a piece of advertising You don't give yourself enough credit.
How about the part where brockwell feeds the swans? So uplifting! So uplifting.
And then when they say, "As sure as the sun will rise Over the avenue of the immigrants.
" Oh! It's not like i sold them pudding or a coat.
It's a moral thing Much more important than a coat, Because had you been there in '88, President dukakis, my hand to god.
Do you remember '88, fran? How could i forget '88? Hey, ira, iris Ira, iris.
That sounds terrific.
Iris, ira, iris, ira! Hey, i disown i hereby disown that brockwell commercial.
That doesn't reflect my opinion.
I was coerced and charmed.
There was marital pressure.
Marital pressure? Yes.
From who? Wait, wait, guys, guys, and fran, Let me apologize.
I'm sorry i got nuts about ira yesterday.
And ira, you i got to apologize to, Because a man fears the worst.
Hey, no apology necessary.
Ira talks about you all the time.
Yes.
He does? You do? If you were talking to me, you'd know.
Giuliani doesn't waste time with campaign fluff.
It's not fluff.
It is.
It's total marshmallow fluff.
O.
K.
May i say that you two Make a terrific-Looking couple.
So handsome.
He doesn't want to rename the streets.
He wants the streets safe for your babies.
Their babies? You're right.
You are a manipulator of minds.
And you are big taxpayer's money spender on nothing! We shouldn't even spend a nickel on city spirit? A nickel.
Nickel, says subway girl Who thinks we need more symbols and rallies Like who? The nazis.
There! A matter of time.
You actually would be unable to have a conversation If there hadn't been nazis.
Are you guys o.
K.
? We're dandy.
We're fine.
You're deluded! The man is a convicted swan killer.
He's convicted? Not convicted, but you know it.
Politics at the table is bad, bad, bad.
He started it.
So you be big I'm always the big person! Yeah, big and wrong.
I'm not wrong.
Well, you're not right.
If you guys are having problems, you can talk to us.
We're here to help.
Yeah.
Sure.
It's o.
K.
I'm fine.
If she needs nothing more than parades and flag waving All right.
Once again Marching bands and fascist hats Why not bring up the vikings, See the mileage you can get out of them? Now you're lashing out blindly.
It's not attractive.
Ooh! Ahh! What is the matter with them? Iris, i'm sorry you had to see this.
They're just nuts is what they are.
Frankly, i don't know why we invite them.
I'll tell you why.
Because they look up to us socially.
You think? Oh, yeah.
We hold them together.
Like glue.
O.
K.
Simple.
Take sophie tucker drive Over to the avenue of the immigrants.
Make a left on boulevard of dreams.
Boulevard of dreams is one-Way, so stay right.
You'll come to mario procaccino.
Yeah.
Mario pro make a right on mario procaccino.
If you go left, it's mario biagi.
That's right.
So mario becomes mario.
Stay right.
It's procaccino.
You go across horace clark avenue.
You'll see zero mostel place And albert shanker circle.
It's tricky around the circle.
Third building.
If you hit bella abzug, you went too far.