Melissa & Joey s04e17 Episode Script

Joey: Hey, Mel.
Look at this.
My mom's on her way here, but she just sent me this video before she got on the plane.
Aren't you proud of me, Joey? I'm so high-tech.
Anyway, I just saw the pilot.
He doesn't even look old enough to shave.
I think I saw pimples.
Anyway, if the worst should happen and it probably will, don't let your brother and sister give away my furniture.
And one of you has to adopt Mr.
whiskers.
Not your sister.
Bye.
You hear that? That's the closest my mom's come to ever making a will.
Seriously? She doesn't have anything written down? Nope, she will not talk about dying, honey.
I once suggested that we play Amazing Grace at her funeral, and she accused me of wanting her dead.
"Yes, Mom, I want you dead "because that's the only way I'm gonna be able to hear Amazing Grace.
" Aw, Joe, I don't want you to be left with the mess my mom and dad had to go through when my nanny-noo died.
Your nanny-noo? Yeah, it's what we called my grandma.
You know, when she died without a will.
Leaving 16 Burke grandchildren to fight over a monkey paw umbrella and an autographed photo of Liberace.
I'm still stuck on nanny-noo.
Hey, do you know what? Why don't you talk to your mom when she's here this weekend? Face-to-face.
No.
No, no.
My mother will not talk about dying.
I'm not talking to her about it, you're not talking to her about it, nobody's talking to her about it.
But it's the perfect opportunity, - otherwise - Amazing grace How sweet the sound Sync & Corrections by Darcade And the weather turned so cold all of a sudden, all my flowers died.
If only I had planned better before they all went Dead.
You look like you wanna say something.
What? No.
Hm-mmm.
No.
We have nothing to say.
Isn't that right, honey? Yeah.
Okay, you're squeezing my hand really tight.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'll get it.
I won't ask about grandchildren, unless I should ask about grandchildren? - Mom! - I wasn't asking.
Daddy! Hello, pumpkin! And who do we have, here? It's Gloria Longo.
Pleasure to see you again, my lady.
Senator.
I have to share my time here with that one? I didn't know he was coming over.
It was a total surprise to me.
Right, Daddy? Yup.
Just flew in on a spur.
I love coming to Toledo.
I get to visit my daughter, I get to visit my parents.
Oh, your parents live here? Their souls do At Toledo forever cemetery.
I've got a spot right next to them.
Surprisingly affordable.
Planning for your estate, what a loving thing to do for your family.
Sit.
Tell us more! You brought your father here to talk to my mother about death? I did it for you, okay? Gloria will listen to someone her own age.
And, if she gets mad, she'll give him the evil eye, not you and me.
How could you You know what? That could actually work.
So, tell me, Gloria, have you had the conversation with your family about what you'd like done after you Shuffle off this very shapely mortal coil? What? Give up the ghost.
Kick the bucket.
Die.
Oh, I see what you're up to.
This is Amazing Grace all over again! Well, maybe you'll get lucky, Joey, and I'll just croak in my sleep tonight.
Sweet dreams.
Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Wait a minute, that's not what That's not what they meant! Mom! Way to go guys.
Nice plan.
That's excellent.
Mm-hmm.
Now I'm gonna have to go up there and apologize to her for something that I did not do.
Calm down.
Your mother's a very sensitive soul.
I'm gonna go upstairs and see if I can smooth things over.
No offense, Joseph, but You kind of set people off.
Zander! We need to talk About what happened the other day.
Oh, you mean when we fell into bed together? And rolled around and stuff? Yeah.
The rolling around and everything was exciting and passionate.
Thank you.
You were no slouch, either.
Thanks.
But, um, you know, I think we need to figure out what kind of relationship we're going to have.
- You know, we're great at being friends.
- Agreed.
And we're great at Rolling around.
Totally agreed.
But, every time we try to do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, you know, it just ends up in tears and sobbing.
I don't stifle my feelings.
Okay.
My point is, you know, what if we just keep the fun stuff, and lose the tricky relationship stuff? You mean, be friends with benefits? Yeah.
Except I wish it didn't sound so cliche.
Oh, oh! What if we call it something else, like, um "Friends plus"? Oh, how about "amigos con el sexo"? Supah-friends.
Only if we can spell it with a "Z.
" Oh, no.
Just a second.
If we're going to do this, I want to make it clear that we are not exclusive.
If the opportunity arises to have a serious relationship with someone, we can pursue it.
Absolutely.
And believe me, other ladies are gonna be interested - in the zan-man.
- Don't call yourself that.
- I was just trying it out.
- It's really bad.
Daddy? Hey, pumpkin.
Why are you coming out of Gloria's room in your underwear? Well, when I first came upstairs, Gloria was in tears, poor thing.
She was feelings like her life was over.
But together, we have proven that she is still full of vitality and passion.
You slept with her? Oh, Mel, you know I never kiss and tell But hell yeah.
Hey.
So, how's my mom? Better.
Apparently, my father gave her a good Talking to.
So, are they wrapping it up? I hope they wrapped it up before they started.
- What? - Nothing.
All right, well, I'm gonna go up there and say good night to her, then.
No, no, no, no! Your mom is totally worn out.
You know, from all the Talking.
Hello.
I'm here for our first night of benefits between friends as scheduled.
Excellent.
And, since this isn't a date-date, I didn't shave my legs.
Neither did I.
And I brought you a cupcake.
A gift? You can't bring me gifts! That's a couples thing! It's just a cupcake.
No, Zander, we have to be crystal clear, okay? There can be no date-like activities.
No nuzzling, no cuddling, and definitely no gifts! Okay, fine then.
You know what? I'll just eat the cupcake, then.
Yeah! Mmm! It's delicious! You happy? Are you happy now? Okay, maybe I overreacted.
I'm sorry.
Let's just go upstairs.
Here.
You know what? I I think I ate that too fast.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I gotta go home.
I don't know why I do this to myself.
Hi, Gloria.
You know, I thought while Joe wasn't here, that maybe we could take a few seconds to talk about what happened Last night.
Yes, well, your father said he ran into you.
Whoo.
Oh, that Russell Burke.
He is an amazing man.
He made me feel so alive! I'm still tingling.
Well, you know, if that tingling continues, you may want to see a doctor.
There I was, wallowing in my self-pity, feeling my life was over.
He knocked on the door, swooped in, and pumped the life back into me! Okay, um That brings me to my question.
Um, when are you planning to tell your son? Never.
Three children, and he still thinks I'm the virgin Mary.
Good morning, pumpkin, and good morning, you lovely lady.
Russell, no! Joey could come in here and see us.
Well, it's your fault for looking so fetching.
I can't help myself.
Oh, this is uncomfortable for me on so many levels.
Russell is taking me to that zoo with the hippos.
The hippoquarium.
It's mating season.
Yeah, apparently.
Hey, good morning.
Oh, morning, Joseph.
Listen, I hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna take your mother out for a little sightseeing.
Oh, yes! And, to continue talking about the estate planning.
And that is all.
Hey, hey, hey, listen, just real fast.
I just want to thank you for what you did to my mother.
I mean, apparently, you know, you reached her in a way I was never able to.
I can't say you're wrong, Joseph.
Your dad did something to my mom.
You can tell? Oh, yeah.
He gave her, um Peace of mind.
The peace of mind that only comes, honey, when all your affairs are in order.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Are you keeping something from me? - Hmm? - Hey, come on.
We promised always to tell each other everything.
I mean, come on, we can keep, like, one little thing from each other, right? Isn't that exciting? I mean, doesn't that keep the mystery alive? Come on! Let me keep this one thing from you? Mel! Okay, okay, okay.
Um Last night when my father went upstairs to soothe your mother, he You know, "soothed" her.
You know, in that primal, masculine way that only a man can do for a woman? He bought her jewelry? Joe, they had sex with each other! Ha! What? Honey, that's ridiculous.
My mother doesn't do that.
Joe, hasn't it been, like, 25 years since your father left? Yes, and that's the only man she's ever been with.
Hey, listen to me, my mother is a Saint.
Joe, you mother is the one that told me, and that Saint wouldn't lie, would she? No.
Are you okay? Yeah, I think I read about this.
This is an anger coma.
No.
No, I'm um I'm fine.
What are you doing? Going for a little run.
Where? Canada.
- What's up with Joe? - Oh, you know him.
He gets stressed.
There seems to have been an unsettling event between Gloria and your grandfather.
Grandpa and Joe's mom had sex? How did you figure that out so fast? And please, don't say it out loud again! Oh, come on.
They're single, they're happy.
Nobody got hurt.
I mean, good for them.
No.
No.
No! No, not good for them! You know, because Gloria's heart is gonna be shattered into a million pieces, because my dad is a player.
He's like a pirate.
He invades a town, takes its booty, and then reloads the cannon for the next conquest.
I'm just saying that I think it's cute that your dad and Joe's mom can get their grandfreak on.
Okay, you know what? Don't say things like that.
You know, I think my favorite scene in the movie was when Gunter went to the empty city, and realized he was inside his own soul.
Yeah, you know, if you only see one postmodern, Swedish, film noir this year, it should definitely be Tom Stad, Tom Sjal, ja? Hey, uh, wanna hang out here for a little bit? Oh, uh, sure.
And, you know, since we didn't get to do the "supah-friendz" thing last time, maybe we could have some of the "supah" part right now? Uh, except that we just came back from a movie.
If we have sex right now, doesn't that make this whole evening kind of like a date? I mean, that's what couples do.
Oh, darn.
You're right.
Um, well, what if we have a brief waiting period and then have sex? What if we wait an hour? Like between eating and swimming? Yeah, great.
Oh, except I have study group in an hour.
So, we'd either have to have sex right now or we can't at all.
Well, then obviously we can't.
Well Thank you for respecting the rules and respecting me.
What are you thinking? I'm thinking that hippopotamus had the right idea.
- Hey guys, what's up? - Oh, nothing.
Russell was just dropping me off.
He really sold me on the estate planning, today.
Thank you very much, senator.
Happy to help.
Well, I can see that you're quite busy, so I'll be on my way.
Not so fast, Russell.
It has been brought to my attention that, um You and my mother have become intimate.
What's happened between you and my mother I know meant a lot to her, and she's gonna expect that it meant a lot to you, too.
So, I'm gonna need you to step up and do the right thing by her.
Well, of course, son.
I'm gonna call her tomorrow.
I'm not a complete cad.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you're gonna have to do a lot more than that.
You're gonna need to marry her.
Marry her? Yeah.
I know that sounds old school, but that's how my mother is.
She is not the "hook up" type.
To be honest, when Mel first asked me to come and talk to your mother, I had ulterior motives, because your mother has intrigued me from the very first moment she sneered at me.
Now, normally something brief and physical would be all that I'd be interested in, but not with Gloria.
She's captured my heart.
Maybe it's time I had a serious relationship with your mother.
Wow.
This is amazing.
I swear man, I thought there was like an 80% chance I was gonna have to mess you up.
Oh God.
What are you doing, son? All this adrenaline has to go somewhere, Russell.
Mom, we need to talk.
Yeah? I know what happened between you and Russell.
Oh God, you killed him? No, no, Mom, Mom, I did not kill him.
In fact, we had a very good conversation, Mom.
And you know what? He is gonna step up and do the right thing by you.
Wait a minute, he thinks you're fantastic, Mom.
And you know what? He wants to have a serious relationship with you.
So, book the banquet room at Travato's, Mommy, because I think this could lead to marriage! Oh, God forbid.
What? Why couldn't you have just killed him? Now I've gotta go break another heart! What is it with men these days? You spend one night with them, and then they start hearing wedding bells.
What the hell are you talking about? Sweetheart, I know you think I'm as pure as a Saint, but Russell Burke was not the first.
He wasn't even the first senator.
You've been with other men? Joey, your father left 25 years ago! I'm a sexual being! Did you really think I went out and played canasta every Friday night? Yes! Yes, I did! Oh, you're still my little boy.
I don't even know how to play canasta.
Oh, uh, you're back.
Yeah, I was on my way home from my study group and I realized, "hey, it's been like, three hours, "that seems safely in the not-a-date zone," so I figured we could do some of the supah-friendz thing now.
Actually, uh, I was just on my way out for a date with Tanya.
The girl from your sculpture class? Yeah.
But, you know what? You're here now.
And, uh, you know, the thing with Tanya was last minute.
So, I'll just, uh Just reschedule her.
Well, only if that's okay with you? Yeah.
So, uh Should we - Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
So, you and Tanya.
You think that could go somewhere? I don't know.
We've never gone out before.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I mean, do you like her? Don't know yet.
That's why I was gonna go out with her.
Right.
Okay, so why are you so curious about Tanya, anyways? I'm not.
I mean, you're the one who's obsessed with her, so why don't you just go and be with her? Wait a second.
I'm sensing that you may have some feelings that go beyond the supah-friendz area? Ugh, I don't see why that matters? I mean, you're the one who's all crazy for Tanya.
I was only gonna go out with her because I had no chance with you, as per the supah-friendz agreement.
But, if you do have feelings for me, then pfft, Tanya.
It doesn't matter if I have feelings for you, unless you have feelings for me? Well, hold on, are you saying that you You do have feelings for me? Okay.
On three, let's say if we have feelings for each other.
One, two, three.
- Yes.
- Feelings.
I wasn't sure how to respond.
Well this sucks.
We can't be supah-friendz if there are feelings involved.
We didn't even get to the benefits.
Dude, we suck at being supah-friendz.
Maybe we should just give up and become You know, a couple.
Ugh.
Yeah, I really don't see any other alternative.
You ready to kiss with feelings now? Let's say on three.
One, two Shut up.
"Russell thank you for a wonderful time.
"We'll always have Toledo.
Sincerely, Gloria.
" A note stuck on our refrigerator? Well, that's a fitting ending to your wonderful plan for a shotgun wedding.
Hey, it's a very thoughtful note.
Come on, she wrote "sincerely.
" Please, I've got reminders from the dentist more emotional than this.
My father's gonna be crushed! You know, and somebody has to tell him that he's been dumped.
Not it.
Wait a minute, why do I have to do it? Uh, because your mother's the one that did this.
She's the one that hit it and quit it.
He's your father.
Yeah, but you're forgetting one very important thing I don't wanna! Ding-dong.
So, is Gloria ready? Dad, there's, uh Well, there's something I have to tell you.
Actually, there's something that both of us have to tell you.
Gloria's dumping me? How did you know? I just read Joey's sweater.
Dad, I'm going to the grocery store, you need anything? A little more ice cream And a hug.
Aww.
Come here.
No, not you.
I need a Longo hug.
Joseph! All right.
Okay.
There we go.
Thank you.
Yup.
Not a problem.