Northern Exposure s04e17 Episode Script

Hey, O'Connell.
Morning, Fleischman.
How was your trip? Oh, it was great.
I had a milk run to Anchorage and then a charter to Skagway.
Yeah, it was all really nice.
So What? Nothing.
I just want to make sure everything's okay.
Yeah, everything's peachy.
I mean, it's just been that in my experience that no matter what a woman might say there's always been some lingering emotional attachment.
But we're clear, right? It was a one-time, serendipitous sexual encounter and it didn't change anything.
What does sex have to do with anything? What do you mean, what does sex have to do with it? What do you think I'm talking about? I don't know, Fleischman.
What are you talking about? Well, sex.
Definitely, sex.
You know, between you and me.
Wait, you think we had sex? I know we had sex.
Fleischman.
Look, you know, it's perfectly all right to feel awkward.
I understand.
I just Look, I'll still be your personal physician, and I just I don't want us to feel like we have to avoid each other.
You know, cross the street when the other one's coming.
I think, let's be adults about this.
Sure.
Look the important thing is that the status quo doesn't change, okay? No entangling alliances, no hard feelings.
You go your way, and I'll go mine.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
You wanted to see me, Uncle Anku? Have a seat, Ed.
Thank you.
Mrs.
Anku get you something to eat? Oh, yes, pancakes.
They were delicious.
Good, you can't beat Aunt Jemima.
How are you, Ed? I'm fine, Uncle.
You don't look well.
I don't? You need a woman.
I do? Well, you know, I had a girlfriend once.
I don't mean a girlfriend, Ed.
I mean a wife.
A wife.
Sands of time are running, Ed.
I was 17 when my parents introduced me to Mrs.
Anku.
Yeah.
Well, I'm just not seeing anyone right now, Uncle.
Mrs.
Anku has a cousin.
Uh-huh.
Her number two daughter just came of age.
You'll like her.
I like her.
Well, you know, Uncle, I always thought that well I would pick my own wife.
You know, there would be this magical moment and she would know, and I would know and that would be it.
A willing heart and an open mind are all that's required for a productive union.
I don't know, Uncle.
Isn't it sort of, well, an awful big step? It is, and it isn't.
Trust me on this.
Hi.
Morning, Joel.
You looking for your Jack Nicklaus video? Yeah.
Was O'Connell just in here? Yeah.
Did she say anything about me? Not that I recall.
I'd love to know who she thinks she's fooling.
I mean, everybody heard it.
Everybody knows.
Knows what? That we did it, the deed.
I mean, that we've had knowledge of each other in the biblical sense.
Oh, that.
Listen to this.
I'm out there.
I'm talking to her, she goes into paroxysms of laughter as if the entire experience were, like, a figment of my imagination.
She's probably trying to put the whole thing behind her.
I beg your pardon? That's what I'd do if I had knowledge of you in the biblical sense.
Well, thank you, and why? Well, Joel, to you, this escapade may have been a flight of fancy but Maggie has to live with the consequences.
With the stares, the whispers.
In a moment of blind passion she did something that she undoubtedly deeply regrets.
I gotta tell you I find what you're saying incredibly insensitive and offensive.
Oh, thanks.
Can I have my video, please? It hasn't come in yet.
Hello, Walt.
What'll you have? Whiskey.
Rough winter? Got a few skins.
Area's played out.
It goes in cycles.
Nothing but me and the wind, all day long.
Me, and the wind, and the snow and the Sitka spruce, and the hoary marmots and the little gray chickadees.
You mean brown-capped chickadees.
I mean gray.
Now, Walt, the chestnut-backed has a dark brown head which under certain conditions may appear- Nothing wrong with my eyes, Vincoeur.
All right, all right.
Did it have a patch of white on the cheek? Big patch.
What about the song? Did it go, "chick-a-dee-dee-dee "chick-a-dee-dee-dee," like that? No, no, no, it's not like that.
It's more like, "dee-dee, dee-dee.
" "Dee-dee.
Dee-dee.
" That's it.
If I brought you a map, could you show me where they are? I'd be some trapper if I couldn't.
Here.
Drinks are on the house.
Hey, it was a great cheeseburger, Dave.
Thanks.
Ed, don't forget this Sunday, man, all right? Okay, Chris, why? Ice fishing, Lake McWain.
Oh, right.
Well, I can't this Sunday, Chris.
Turkey club on gluten.
Thanks.
What do you mean, you can't? Why not? I'm getting married this Sunday.
Far out, Ed.
Really? You're getting married? That's so cool.
Thanks.
Well, you guys are both invited.
Hey, Holling, did you hear? Ed's getting married on Sunday.
Well, congratulations, Ed.
That's great.
You sly dog.
Who's the lucky fox? Well, her name's Debbie something.
Debbie Something.
Is that Indian? Oh, no, her last name's not "Something," Shelly.
Well, it is something, but it's not that "Something.
" Oh.
What's she like? Well, I'm not sure.
I haven't met her yet.
You haven't met Debbie Something yet? Well, no.
But I'm sure she's very nice.
Oh, yeah.
Well I'll see you there.
Okay.
Yeah, we'll see you there.
Thanks, guys.
I know they're Siberian tits, Ruth-Anne but it's rough up there.
Who cares? Let's go.
Would somebody like to tell me what's so damned exciting about a few birds? Oh, the Siberian tit is extremely rare in Alaska, Maurice.
It's Parus cinctus.
It's the Eurasian member of the chickadee family.
There's a small breeding population near Kotzebue on the mouth of the Kelly River but most people never have even seen them.
Well, so what? If you want to see a Bengal tiger, go to Bengal.
If you want to see a Siberian tit, go to Siberia.
It's not the same, Maurice.
Don't bother.
Oh, no, don't bother.
Of course, it's way beyond me how a grown man could pee his pants over a chickadee that's common over half the Russian-speaking world.
Look at yourself, Holling.
You used to go out and kill things.
Now you're bivouacking with an old woman and a zoom lens.
Look at Monroe out there flirting with O'Connell.
Poor sucker.
I'd almost feel sorry for the guy if he wasn't such a nut.
And the woman is shameless.
The figurative body of our sexual linkage, it's hardly cold she's out there, she's lining up another victim.
She likes him.
So what? What does that mean? What am I? Just a meaningless physical encounter? Not that I want anything to do with that woman, thank you very much.
You can put that thought right out of your head.
Yes, I know.
What do I want? Yes, that's a good question.
You know what I'd like? Maybe a little respect, maybe a little decorum, huh? Just a brief cooling-off period to convey at least the impression of a passage in her life.
She owes me that much.
I mean, not this "pretending it never happened" business.
I mean, what is this? This is It's so childish.
What are we, in high school here? She wanted it, she got it.
I'm not going to stand for this.
This is ridiculous.
O'Connell, we need to talk.
Now, I didn't exactly think that your world would be shattered by our little tête-à-tête but I deserve some acknowledgment.
A tip of the hat, as it were.
You know, Kilroy was there.
What is your problem, Fleischman? My problem is that I expect you to at least deal slightly with appearances.
I mean, common courtesy, not to mention self-respect would dictate a brief hiatus between peccadilloes.
What? Hey, I have a reputation, too, you know.
If I knew I was dealing with the town pump I would have had second thoughts before I let you rip the shirt off my back.
Fleischman, you're off your rocker, you know that? Hey, I'm not saying that sex with you was the pivotal moment of my earthly existence either, but at least I acknowledge- Wait, wait a minute.
Stop right there.
Okay, let's settle this, Fleischman.
We didn't have sex.
What would you call it, a feeding frenzy? You're delusional, Fleischman.
Look, drop the act, all right? It wouldn't play in Grosse Pointe it's definitely not going to play in Cicely.
This is sad.
This is very sad.
O'Connell, we had sex.
You and me, yes, last Tuesday, in a barn Have you been under some stress lately, Fleischman? O'Connell, you want me to show you the claw marks? Huh? I got multiple lesions.
I got serious scars.
You want to see them? Fleischman, Fleischman, this is just too weird.
O'Connell, ask anyone.
Ask Ruth-Anne, ask Chris.
Look, Fleischman maybe you fantasized about having sex with me in your mind for so long it became a reality, I don't know.
I mean, it's flattering in a twisted, psychotic kind of way but it didn't happen.
I don't believe you.
You know, I knew you had trouble with reality I just never realized it was so extreme.
No, wait a minute.
I'm not the one with the reality problem here.
Pretending it didn't happen is not gonna make it go away.
You can't close your eyes, click your heels, and make it disappear.
You're not Dorothy, I am not Toto, and this is definitely not Kansas! Is this a bad time, Dr.
Fleischman? Ed, how long have we known each other? About two years, come June.
When do you think it might sink in that I do not appreciate being ambushed by unannounced guests? You want me to leave.
No, I want to tell you something, all right? Let me tell you something about women.
They are the enemy.
Women are the enemy, never forget it.
Okay.
Biologically, emotionally, their main function in life is to make us crazy.
But we have a function, too.
You see, men were put on this earth to not let women make us crazy.
And by the way, congratulations on your engagement.
Oh, thank you.
You know, you people have the right idea.
There's none of this horsing around, no prolonged engagements.
It's a straight business deal.
You sign on the dotted line.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
I like that.
Thank you, Dr.
Fleischman.
Although, you know, there's the element of surprise.
I think that could be trouble.
I definitely need to see a woman naked before I agree to anything.
You know? I mean, there could be all sorts of unsightly epidermal flaws moles and cysts, the occasional third nipple.
Third nipple? Yeah, technically it's called an accessory nipple.
I mean, they tend to be small and insignificant, but You stop by for a reason? Oh, yeah.
Dr.
Fleischman, I'd like to ask you to be my chaperon when I go to meet my fiancée.
Your chaperon? Yeah.
It's one of those custom deals, you know.
Bride, groom, and then they both have an elder with them.
It's tribal ritual, formal, correct.
This is what I'm talking about.
Like, this is what we are missing in mainstream America, man some perspective, some dignity, some structure to make sense of this mating game.
In New York, it is a copy of Penthouse and a condom you are off to the races.
Does that mean you will? Yeah, it'd be my pleasure.
Thank you, Dr.
Fleischman.
Watch your step, babe.
You got the spotting scope, Shel? Right here.
Couldn't go anywhere without my Bushnell Spacemaster.
Say it again, Holling.
What? Bushnell Spacemaster? I love it when you talk techy.
It's so hunky.
I guess that's everything.
I threw in a couple of rolls of high-speed Ektachrome.
Could be we'll take them at first light, you know, while they're napping.
Like that time you bagged the Cedar Waxwings, huh? We'll make a steady sweep to the river, deploy at the trees and then take them in a double envelopment maneuver.
Those little tits don't stand a snowball's chance in Haiti.
Whoa, we gotta make tracks before nightfall, right, Ruth-Anne? Right.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
See you, Shel.
Shoot to kill, babe! And don't stay up too late! Where are they? Maybe she's powdering her nose.
What? Isn't that what women do? Yeah, in 1940, maybe.
Oh.
So tell me, the fact that it's in a bingo parlor is that part of the custom? No, you just have to find some kind of a neutral turf.
Oh, that must be her.
Safe bet.
Oh, isn't she pretty, Dr.
Fleischman? Yeah, Ed, she's all right.
Nice hair, too.
Yeah, take a good look, though.
Girls tend to turn into their mother and we're not talking about a pretty sight there.
Oh, no, Dr.
Fleischman, that's her aunt.
Ah, good.
Well? Well, what, Ed? Well, what now? You know, I don't know protocol, it's your party here.
Maybe I should just walk over and introduce myself.
That's a good idea.
I think formalities are always awkward so just go ahead, you know, jump right in there.
Right.
Ed? How do I jump right in there, Dr.
Fleischman? Just go say something.
You know, an icebreaker.
Talk about sports or something.
Right.
I don't know anything about sports.
Ed, talk about movies, talk about weather, it doesn't matter.
Come on, just go get the ball rolling.
Let's go.
Right, right.
Hi, I'm Ed.
Hi.
You must be Debbie Something? Mmm-hmm.
Is it Think it'll snow? Maybe.
Psst.
It's exciting, huh? Ed marrying your niece.
Yes.
Yeah.
Kind of came right out of the blue, though, huh? Well, I guess that's the way it is with these arranged situations.
One minute you're strangers, the next minute you're sharing each other's toothbrush.
I mean, after they're married, of course.
Well, they seem to be getting along okay, for strangers.
I know I've seen you.
Have I treated you? I did, didn't I? What was it? Cellulitis? No, sebaceous cyst, right? Plantar's wart.
That's right.
I remember.
Well it was in the ballpark, anyway.
It's funny, you know.
A lot of people think it's "planter's wart," with an "E" like you get it in the field or something but it's actually "plantar," with an "A.
" It's from the Latin Planta, meaning the sole of your foot.
We can go now, Dr.
Fleischman.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, nice to meet you.
How'd it go? Great.
We're going out tonight.
Yeah? I thought I might get her something.
You know, maybe some jewelry or something.
Yeah, I think jewelry would be appropriate.
Bye.
Bye.
Nothing wrong with jewelry, Ed.
Okay.
Could you hand me another tomato? Sure.
Could you pass the scallions? Scallions.
Yeah.
And the garlic press.
Garlic press? Yeah, it's right there.
What? You're going to press garlic? Yeah.
Raw garlic? Without boiling it first? It's for the beans.
Haricots verts à la provençale.
Why don't you pick out a nice bottle of sparkling water? What's going on? What? Well, scallions and raw garlic.
What, what Oh, you mean, where's the puréed carrots and mashed zucchini? Exactly.
It's bland, boring.
But I thought that's all you could handle.
Maybe.
Wait a minute, are you not telling me something? I mean, has your immune system drastically improved or something? I just happen to be in the mood for haricots verts à la provençale.
You know, sometimes, Maggie, you just have to go for it.
You know, grab for the gusto.
Take a plunge and to hell with the consequences.
Close your eyes.
I want you to try something.
Okay.
Just a little appetizer I whipped up.
Open wide.
Mmm.
It's very good.
What is it? Homemade tapénade.
Greek olives, capers, extra-virgin olive oil, minced garlic and the secret ingredient, a dash of lemon juice.
What? Did something go down wrong? Maggie, you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just thought you That was No, I'm fine.
Could I have some more of that? Sure.
I'm glad you like it.
It's true, isn't it? The door's just a formality, don't bother knocking.
What's true? You, me, it.
Are you honestly trying to tell me that you don't remember whether or not we had sex? No! No.
And it must be like in eighth grade when I broke my leg skiing.
The whole thing was so horrendous and so horrible that my mind just blacked the whole thing out.
Oh, I'm flattered and touched.
I remember the cast, right? I just couldn't remember how it got there.
Look, you don't get traumatic memory loss from having sex.
Besides, I spoke to you the next day, you were perfectly lucid.
Wow.
On that trip to Anchorage, it must have just floated away like a dream.
Like a hideous, loathsome, horrendous dream.
Why Well, thanks for brightening my evening.
Now, if you don't mind.
God, I'm ruined.
It's over, my life here, my life here is just ruined.
I can never hold my head high again, Fleischman.
I'm like a laughingstock, a joke! All right.
Look, O'Connell What did we do, Fleischman? What did we do? Don't spare me, just tell me.
What do you mean, what did we do? We had sex, okay? We made love, call it what you will.
Once? Oh, man, this is crazy.
More than once? I stopped counting when my fingers went numb.
Oh, God! My guess is it was some sort of land-speed endurance record for a man my age.
You saw me naked.
Well, it was kind of unavoidable under the circumstances although we did find a horse blanket somewhere.
What else? What else? What else? What else did we do? What else? Oh, we made a general announcement.
What? At The Brick, we told everyone.
No! Yeah.
You didn't want people talking behind your back.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Yep.
That pretty much covers it.
So, Mike I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here, huh? You did leave rather abruptly at dinner.
Yeah, I know.
I did.
Feeling better? Yes, much, thank you.
Are you hungry? I've got a whole refrigerator full of the haricots verts.
Oh, God.
All that food.
Oh, it's no biggie.
Well, we need to talk, Mike.
Actually, I guess I need to talk.
Okay.
Do you remember those winds we had a couple of days ago? The Cohos? And you were stuck in your bubble and you asked me if anything happened and I said, "Well, no, not really.
" Yeah.
Well, actually, a few things did happen and they just kind of slipped my mind.
Slipped your mind? Well, actually, I forgot, temporarily, it Like, what kind of things did you forget? Well Maurice almost fell off the roof of The Brick.
Al Simmons' barn blew over.
I had sex with Fleischman, and a whole herd of sheep went through Cicely.
What did you just say? A whole herd of sheep went through Cicely.
You had sex with Dr.
Fleischman? Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Look, I don't know, it just happened.
I don't know how it happened, but it did.
Wow.
Yeah.
You had sex with Joel.
I've got to go.
Maggie Look, look, I did this terrible, regrettable thing and as bad as I feel about having done it it's even worse telling you about it, you know what I mean? So I'm just gonna go.
Bye.
Oh Ed you're early.
I'll come back.
No, no, no.
Ed, this is my boyfriend, Craig.
Craig, this is Ed, my fiancé.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you're getting a great girl, Ed.
Hope you know that.
I do.
Kind of.
So, I guess we should talk, huh? Good idea.
Yeah, well, I'd say let's go inside but my folks will be home any minute.
We could go to my place.
Your place? You want to take a ride in my truck? Okay.
Might be kind of tight.
Well, that's okay.
I almost forgot, I brought these for you.
Oh, thanks.
Careful you don't bust a gut.
Ralph Caldwell stroked out last summer blowing up a backyard pool for his grandkids.
I can believe it.
I never thought I'd be using one of these damn things but since my sciatica started acting up You want some Advil? You got any? Mmm-hmm.
I always carry it around for my bursitis.
I've got some Bengay for when we get achy.
Oh, you do? Inside pocket there.
I'll use it before I go to bed.
Well, that's going to have to do it.
You got any more of those sandwiches? Mmm-hmm.
It's yours.
Yeah, well, you care for a nightcap? Well, I don't mind if I do.
Yeah, we'll break camp at first light head for the river.
Fine.
You know, it's a funny thing.
I wouldn't be caught dead eating a sardine sandwich at home but out here, there is nothing I like better.
I know what you mean.
I don't know why, but bourbon always tastes so much better out of a tin cup.
This is a pleasure I haven't had for a while.
Shelly frowns on the practice at home.
Says that the smell hangs in the drapes.
Upmann? Macanudo.
Oh, smooth.
You care to join me? I believe I would.
Well, all right.
Oh, don't bother.
Well, what do you say? or should we just let nature take its course? Nature.
Well, lookie there.
The Northern Cross.
Bright as day.
Well, here we are.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
Hey, far out.
Yeah, Leo lets me store some of my camera equipment here.
Oh, yeah? Hey, '67 Pontiac, overhead cam six.
Whoops.
Craig.
Sorry, Deb.
I guess you two have been together for a while, then.
Yeah.
Since about freshman year of high school.
I hated him at first.
He was so conceited.
He was captain of the dog sled club.
Big deal.
But then you got to see the other side? Yeah, he was going out with my sister and when she dumped him I don't know, I kind of felt sorry for him, you know? Been together ever since.
That's right.
Well, why are you marrying me? Oh, I'm not Indian.
Oh.
Besides, my dad says he has no prospects.
Oh.
Well, is that true, Craig? I'm thinking about joining the Air Force.
You know, Mr.
Anku's been a really good friend to my family and when he told me he had someone for me how could I say no? Well, you two guys, you could just elope or something.
Craig doesn't have a car.
Oh.
After I heard about you, I was gonna split, you know? Live in Tacoma with my brother.
But then Debbie said stick around, just in case things don't work out.
Probably good advice.
Anything else? How about a big gun with a bullet in it? Well, Holling keeps all his big guns locked up.
Would a.
22 be all right? Just make it a shot of strychnine or a serrated steak knife.
Strychnine, is that one of those imported vodkas? How could I, Shelly? How could you what? Have sex with Fleischman.
If it makes you feel any better I thought you two got down a long time ago.
Fleischman represents everything I despise in a man.
I mean, he's actually the antithesis to everything I hold sacred.
He's rude, and arrogant, and sexist and narrow-minded, and anal-retentive.
Kind of cute, though.
You gotta admit.
What's wrong with me? Buyer's remorse.
What? You got it, and then you found out you didn't want it.
In some deep, dark, perverted chamber of my soul, could it be could it be I'm actually attracted to him? No, no, that's just too horrendous.
It's too grotesque, it's just so Ugh! Sounds like he pushes your buttons, though.
Well, maybe that's it.
Maybe he represents my dark side.
All those repressed impulses, the untamed, savage, forbidden fruit.
Sounds juicy.
Then what about Mike? Mike Monroe? Well, yeah, unlike Fleischman Mike is sensitive, and brave, and warm, and safe.
Why did I say "safe"? Wait a minute, what do I mean by" safe"? Why? Why would I say "safe"? Wait a minute, if I'm attracted to Mike why would I have sex with Fleischman? It's like Tammy used to tell me she'd say, "Shel, the bod has a mind of its own.
" And she was right.
Once, when I was in high school this biker guy really had the hots for me.
He was absolutely my type big scar, ate light bulbs but he didn't do anything for me sexually, you know.
Zippo.
Know who I fell for instead? Who? The president of the 4-H Club.
When it came to booty, we just clicked.
We used to do it everywhere.
In the band room, under the stage, in empty school buses.
My reputation took a major nosedive, but I couldn't help it.
What happened? Wayne beat him up.
I think he went to college.
Interesting.
Well, if you want another beer or something, let me know.
Stocking up for the little woman? Oh.
Hello, Dr.
Fleischman.
Hi, Ed.
So I see you moved the bed.
Yeah, I thought Debbie would be more comfortable there.
Then she won't get the direct sunlight coming in from the window.
That's thoughtful.
New drapes? Yep.
Ruth-Anne had the material left over from this love seat Marilyn was fixing.
It's nice.
It's looking homey.
The his-and-hers dressers.
Yeah, well, you've done a lot of work here, Ed.
I wanted Debbie to be happy here.
Now I just don't know.
Yeah? You getting cold feet? No, nothing like that.
She's got a boyfriend.
What? Yep, Craig.
Craig? They're pretty into each other right now.
If she has a boyfriend, then I don't understand, why is she marrying you? Exactly what I said.
And what did she say? Well, he's not Indian and his prospects are dim.
I see.
What do you think I should do? I don't know, you know.
I don't know.
For me I'm beginning to rethink this whole man-woman thing anyway, you know.
I mean, maybe it's outlived its usefulness.
It's not like we need to be concerned about propagating the species anymore.
Maybe it's time to take a break.
Back off a bit.
Re-assess.
So what do you mean? Look, how do you feel about her? Is this someone that you think you can spend your life with? How can I know, Dr.
Fleischman, unless I've tried? That's a good point.
People don't want to make a commitment until they're sure about someone but how can you be sure about someone until you've made a commitment? I don't know.
You know, it's just all a crapshoot.
Move real slow, Ruth-Anne, right this way.
You hear it? Uh-uh.
It's up there.
"De-deer, de-deer.
" Now I've got it.
Me, too.
Ruth-Anne, lock and load.
Camera on, motor drive on.
I'll go along the riverbank and try to get the first shot.
You hang to the tree line, and stay to the cover.
Let's nail ourselves some tit.
Ruth-Anne.
Twenty feet to the southwest.
Did you get him, Ruth-Anne? Did you bag him? Dead center.
He didn't have a chance.
All right.
I think this calls for a little brandy.
I think so.
Yeah.
In a tin cup.
Right, and maybe a victory cigar.
Why not? Come in, Ed.
You know John Hope and Louis Killdeer.
Hi.
Hello, Ed.
Is this a council meeting? We were just finishing.
What's on your mind, Ed? Well Uncle I can't marry Debbie.
Because of Craig.
You know about Craig? I believe Mrs.
Anku mentioned it.
He's not Indian.
Well, I know, but I was thinking that maybe that didn't matter so much.
What? Well, what I mean, really, is well, there's really not anything we can do about it anyway, is there? I mean, it's kind of like that movie Arthur where Dudley Moore is supposed to marry Jill Eikenberry but falls in love with Liza Minnelli instead.
That was different.
Eikenberry was stuck-up.
Perhaps South Pacific is closer to the situation.
John Kerr falls in love with France Nuyen, but knows his family won't approve.
You've Got To Be Taught, good song.
Look what happens to Kerr.
He gets killed.
Well, yeah, but in the main storyline Rossano Brazzi lives and Mitzi Gaynor realizes that it was wrong of her to hold his first marriage against him.
True.
Uncle, I know you're only trying to do what's best for me and I also know that you don't think much of romance but it seems to me that Debbie and Craig really love each other and if that's true well, I think it would be wrong to break them up.
So, I'd like to ask you to call off the wedding, if you can and if you can't, well, I'll understand.
It was only a suggestion, Ed.
Oh.
Hello? Joel? In here.
Hi.
You wanted to see me? No.
No? Maggie said that- Look, look, let me give you a little advice, all right? Don't believe a word the woman says, I mean ever.
Hi, guys.
What's the idea? What's going on? Well, I just felt that we needed to chat, talk.
You know, the three of us.
What? You want us to chat? Yeah, you know, Fleischman, first of all, look I may have been a bit insensitive the other day and if so, I apologize.
I mean, I was just confused, you know? I didn't know what was going on.
The fact is I just really couldn't reconcile my conflicted feelings about you.
I mean, on one hand, there's this basic annoyance, this repulsion and yet, on the other hand, there is this undeniable, chemical, primal carnal attraction that pulled me into having sex with you.
Great sex, incredible sex.
In fact, I can't say that it wouldn't happen again.
I mean, it could happen right now, right here, on this very table.
We could repeat the whole experience.
I mean, we could have sex every day of the week.
It would be just as good as it was the other day.
But so what? I mean, what does that mean, hmm? Nothing.
It's our glands talking, not our head, not our hearts.
It's just animal behavior, you know, coupling.
Coupling? Yeah.
And as for Mike I know that you think my attraction to him is based on his inaccessibility you know, the Elephant man syndrome but I've been giving that some thought and I've decided that you're wrong.
You know, you're wrong.
I mean, Mike, you are a wonderful, brave, courageous person and I'm very, very much attracted to you.
You're sensitive, and you're a lot of fun and in many ways, you're my ideal companion.
And the fact that I had sex with Fleischman instead of you is really just a freak of nature.
You know, the luck of the draw.
Cosmically, I mean.
And it in no way reflects my libidinous impulses towards you which, by the way, are overwhelming and I'm sure our sex would have been just as earth-shattering as sex with Fleischman.
Even better.
But, you know, we'll never know, anyway.
Why not? Well, because we can't have sex.
Why not? Because you'd die.
Oh, come on.
I mean, you both know my track record with men.
Come on, Maggie, I'm- No, look, I'm not going to allow you to tempt me to just toss my panties into the breeze no matter how much we both want this.
So wait a minute, let me just get this straight here.
I'm expendable, but he's not.
Right.
Well You're saying it's okay to have sex with me, because it's no big deal if I croak but you don't want to fool around with Mike because you're afraid that he'll kick the bucket? Well This is unbelievable.
Now, look, Fleischman, I don't want you to die.
But it's just, with us, who had time to think? It all happened so fast.
You know what I mean.
Well listen, doesn't it feel good to get it all out into the open? I feel much better, even if it's a little painful.
It's painful for all three of us, actually, but it's growth.
It's healthy, it's a good pain and I feel much better and thanks for talking.
I'll see you later, bye.
How's that? Perfect.
Beautiful.
Number 297 on my life list.
Number 445 on mine.
Really? You have to remember, Holling, that I was in England during the war.
And the varieties of warblers there would fill half a page.
May I? Mmm-hmm.
May I look at yours? Go right ahead.
Where did you find a bristle-thighed curlew? A nature club outing on the Homer Spit.
October of '81.
What do these asterisks mean? Oh, those are the birds I killed Oh.
before I stopped hunting.
Oh, lookie there.
A red-necked phalarope.
That is nice.
That was October of '84.
At Glacier Bay.
Yeah.
How two otherwise intelligent people can expend so much energy on a fundamentally meaningless activity is beyond me.
Maybe it's an old people thing, huh? I wouldn't know.
Well that about does it.
All right.
Everything's back the way it was.
I wonder if I should keep the curtains.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, why not? Well, it might remind me of Debbie.
I didn't realize she meant that much to you.
You know, I think it's really just more of the idea of her.
Right.
This is for you, Dr.
Fleischman.
For me? Yeah.
I got it for Debbie but there's not much point in giving it to her now.
Oh, Ed, I mean, you can return it, you know.
Oh, no, I know.
But I want you to have it.
Well, are you sure? Oh, yeah, I'm positive.
All right.
Let's see.
It's a friendship bracelet.
Well, that's very nice.
Yeah, pretty, huh? Yeah.
Thanks, Ed.
You're welcome, Dr.
Fleischman.
Friendship bracelet, huh? Yep.
All right.
It's nice.
Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah, that'd be great.
Maybe we can watch a movie later.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Let's do that.
Can I take a look? Yeah, good movies are always better when you watch them with someone.
Taxi Driver, what about that? I don't know, kind of depressing.
Hey, how about The Sting? Newman and Redford, together again.