Scrubs s04e17 Episode Script

Things were amazing with Kylie, but before I could get emotionally invested I needed answers to some very important questions.
Name three spin-offs of the sitcom Happy Days.
Mork and Mindy, Laverne and Shirley, and Joanie loves Chachi.
You marry her.
You marry her now.
You marry her! OK! We passed section one "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners".
Now onto section two.
"Fat, tubby TV husbands and the hot women that would never actually marry them".
Hey, we're missing Sanford and Son.
- What? - Yes! Turk was freaked out.
Carla neverjoins us on Sanford and Son or Cheers night.
I think she was feeling romantically competitive with Kylie and me.
Woman, woman! I am not a lollipop! Quiet down now It is time to watch the show Yes, it started Don't be licking me no more Matter of fact Could you get me a handiwipe? Carla certainly tried to be as adorable as us.
Darn it! You won.
Unfortunately, Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.
Do you see what you get, Carla? Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior! Yes! Ten to 9.
00! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Kylie's in class all day and bartends at night and I'm still pulling 16-hour shifts so we try to make sure we kiss once a day.
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, she takes a cab here.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I scooter to my baby Honey I haven't fuffied in bed in, like, a week.
With 27 deaths so far, this strain of E.
Coli from tainted meat is serious.
So if you're a big meat-eater, be careful.
We were upset because when the media reports on a weird health crisis everyone who sees it thinks they have it.
Oh, not so bad.
It's only a few people here.
OK, OK, everybody just shut up! Thank you.
Now, who's first? There's one positive when things like this happen I love medicine! Grandma, that's my no-fly zone.
Dr Cox! We're having a bit of a crisis here.
I see that.
It seems you two have worn the same outfit.
Barbie, if it's of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.
No, I'm talking about all the - Thank you.
- Sure.
- What are we supposed to do? - Loretta, relax.
I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is.
Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for.
As a parting gift, I will tell you this: Narrow it down to two symptoms, vomiting and diarrhoea because it's just not E.
Coli unless it's firing out both exits.
Sure hope I don't have dog flu.
Mr Bernstein, do you have vomiting and diarrhoea? - No.
- No.
- No.
- OK, then, Mr James, you're free to Wait a second.
Charles James? I was watching the Cheers DVD.
- Are you Charles James the writer? - Yeah, that's me.
Just Stay Calm.
I need to take this man upstairs for tests.
J.
D, don't leave me here.
This is very important! He may even need a surgical consult.
Norm! Yeah, I get it.
What are you doing? No tongue before 10.
00.
If J.
D and Kylie can make time for that appointment kiss once a day we should be able to do it twice a day.
Love is not a competition.
- OK.
- Make it three times.
- All right.
I'll see you at noon? - Noon.
You youngsters.
If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.
Your credit card statement would beg to differ.
OK, listen up, everyone.
For budgetary reasons we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patient rooms.
Floors two and four are no longer for one or two.
There's still a bathroom on two, but my joke wouldn't have worked.
Well? I'm sorry.
Please repeat the question.
Are you going to roll over? That's weird.
I asked him the same thing last night.
Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate? Again, last night.
- You've gone soft.
- OK, now it's getting spooky.
Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present man not caring.
OK, Jordan, little help.
If you don't do what she wants I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love.
Love you Where is that bastard? Kelso! - My wife's name's Carla.
- Yeah.
- Like from the show.
- Just like it.
I never met anyone with the same name as the show's character.
- Really? - No.
That's understandable.
I mean, there's a lot of Sams.
Excuse me, J.
D! I just spent the last 3 hours interviewing 212 hypochondriacs half didn't speak any English.
Any idea how embarrassing it is to mime diarrhoea? Talk about your Dianes! Damn! It's kiss time! Baby.
Baby? Come here, girl.
Right here.
That's where I want it.
I want it right there.
- Where have you been? - I was up at - Gotta go.
- Gotta go.
Bob.
Bob.
- Sorry, Madge.
- What do you want, Perry? Bob, enough with the stinking budget cuts already.
Noted.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fire someone.
Oh, baloney, old man! I have to cut $27,000 from the cafeteria budget and my idea of getting it all back by charging $100 for a piece of cake went right out the window when Fat Frank decided to go on that power diet.
I lost over 230 pounds so far.
- Why does he wear those pants? - All right.
Fair enough.
I got your budget reports.
You don't know who to fire.
Fine.
Keep them.
You do it.
Watch and learn.
I'll do it and I'll do it without firing a single person.
I have to fire someone.
I can't believe you left me alone for a stupid TV writer! Is that different from when you hung out with that weatherman from Channel 4? The man had a massive heart attack.
I was nothing but professional.
OK, he's stable! Just take the picture, Carla! What do you want? I want you to go in there and tell him there's no reason for him to be up here.
- How long have you had that cough? - Oh, a couple months now.
Am I wrong, Elliot, or is that the kind of cough that needs a chest x-ray? - Probably.
- Thank you.
- Hey, yo, Turk! - What's up? I got a break.
You want to play some ball? Definitely.
Baby.
Yeah, I'm not going to make our next kiss.
I'm swamped too.
Yeah.
Right now I'm helping Dr Schwartz reset a patient's leg.
I think you got it, Dr Schwartz.
You're a liar! Oh, for God's sake, Perry adjust your bra, man up and fire the one with the least pathetic story.
Do you think I know any of these people's stories? Well, let me fill you in.
First is Hank.
Four kids.
Trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary.
Next to him is Mike.
Lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident.
And then there's Judy.
Been here 30 years.
Two away from retirement.
You're friends with all these people? Are you kidding me? I read their files.
I read everybody's files, Ms Manic-depressive - Dr Drinks-a-lot.
- Hold your horses! Just tell me who the last person hired was, please? Looks like you could use a refresher.
Serving people like you who save lives every day makes me happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow.
God bless you.
God bless you.
- I have to fire Opie, don't I? - You think? Metastatic lung cancer? How was he walking around with this? At worst, I thought maybe he had a bad case of bronchitis.
This is going to suck.
Why'd they move me up here? Mr James, I'm not quite sure how to say this but you have lung cancer.
It was strange telling him he may only have weeks to live when a few hours ago, we all thought he was fine.
It made me realize something.
Whether it was giving bad news to a patient or realizing your relationship isn't as stable as you thought We couldn't even make it one day.
or having to do someone else's dirty work Say, Kenny? Can I talk to you for a second? there are moments when we all wish life was more like a sitcom.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, too, sir.
The good news is I won't have to eat my wife's cooking anymore, right? J.
D's sitcom fantasy will be back after these messages.
J.
D's sitcom fantasy is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
It's weird.
There's so many things I never got to do in my life like go to a carnival or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.
We can do all that.
We are going to give you the best day ever.
Elliot, a word? A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous.
I mean, he could get hurt.
What's he going to do, bruise one of his giant malignant tumours? Safety is always important, Elliot.
Oh, my God.
You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you? It's floating wicker propelled by fire! Besides, I defy you to find one other thing that I'm afraid of.
It's mopping time.
There he is.
Yes, it's mopping time and, as you know, I like to start in the exact spot you're standing.
Let's get to work.
Here we go.
Is that my new sweater? No.
This is my new sweater mop.
It went dynamite with my beige cords.
You mean my beige cord sponge? - You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
I wanted to tell you that I I think you're doing a great job.
Boy, that meatloaf today was it was virtually hairless.
I took off the gloves, it makes the hair a lot easier to pick out.
Get out of here.
Perry, why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria there had better be only three workers there.
Unless Margaret spits out another kid.
That woman's like a Catholic bunny.
Get it done.
Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this? Because apparently you have girl parts.
Kelso said that if we can cover his salary in the budget that Kenny can stay.
But where are we going to come up with $26,372? You thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
That that we invite muscles here to hang a banner in our bedroom that says "It takes three to party"? All right, knuckleheads.
I need one of you to win this talent show.
I can do Shakespeare in German! In college, I double-majored in theatre and classic languages.
Does that degree come with headgear and allergies? Let's take a look at our other options.
You appear to be a man who is utterly without talent unless you want to count the fact that you are the 20th-best basketball player in a predominantly white hospital.
Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
It's 27.
Arkansas buckled.
Carla, that makes you my girl.
We could crank up the humidity and watch your hair explode.
That'd be terrific.
Which leaves me, and unless all of you want to see me turn a two-syllable word into a six syllable word, I really think we should keep looking.
Newbie! I almost forgot about you.
You know what? Save your breath.
I'm about to get in a hot-air balloon and get Evel Knievel on my own ass.
Come on, Elliot.
Let's go French kiss the sun.
You know, you're wrong about Turk.
He has many, many talents.
Yeah, he's really good at not finding five seconds to kiss his wife.
Wow! That's interesting because you're really good at that too.
- Oh, really? - Really.
- Really? - Really! I know how long we've been married and what our song is.
I don't know the name of it, but I it goes like this Are you humming the Let's All Go To the Movies song? Is that not our song? It's sung by hot dogs.
What an amazing day! A balloon ride, lunch by the beach and my first carnival.
Sorry you missed getting your face painted.
They only had time to paint one more face so I let the kid behind me go to make him stop crying.
That was awesome! Spider-girl Talent show's about to start.
Talent show? I'd love to see it, but I'm too tired to get out of bed.
That sucks for you! I'm kidding! We're going to do it right here! O Romeo, Romeo Gesundheit.
Hey, I'm wondering, what's the story with steel wool? I mean, is it steel or is it wool? Make up your mind, steel wool.
Are there iron sheep hopping around Scotland? Oh, brother.
Look, I Start laughing or I start unplugging machines.
And if any of you cows, goats or ducks have any questions don't be afraid to ask me.
I'm just like all of you only giant and human.
Thank you.
I hope you enjoyed our production of World's Most Giant Doctor Goes to the Farm.
So, what did we end up going with? Oh, you went with the farm idea.
Oh, my God, we're doomed.
OK, Perry, that's it.
It's over.
The only act left to see is you firing that guy.
Wait, wait.
There's one more contestant.
Oh, no.
Is that Kenny? Hi.
I'm Kenny.
Yeah, it is.
- Hey.
That That's our song.
- Yeah, I know.
I told him to sing it.
All right, give it to him.
You know he deserves it.
The winner.
We are going to go home and spend some time together.
Some good time.
And by good time, she means bumping uglies.
Well, I hope you had a good day, Mr James.
Wait a second! This chart isn't for Charles James.
It's for James Charles.
He's the one who has cancer, not you.
Who cares about him? He's anti-Semitic! Exactly.
Well, that's a load off my mind.
Hey, everybody! Thanks for coming so quickly.
This is the kind of thing I say out loud in my head.
But since we're here It just seems like in the end, everything always works out because as long as we Mr James? Mr James, can you hear me? He's apnoeic! We need an airway! Anaesthesia! - Wait.
This isn't right.
- We're going to intubate.
Hang some dopamine, wide open! I need an ET tube.
Where's Anaesthesia? Unfortunately, things don't always end as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms.
Relationships aren't always magically fixed in 30 minutes.
You have to work on them.
Problems don't always have easy solutions.
Hey, Kenny, once again, I'm I'm real sorry.
Welcome to my world.
Now imagine going home to my wife.
And around here, nice people don't always get better.
And at times like that, it's comforting to know there's always one thing that can pick your spirits up.