The Exes (2011) s04e17 Episode Script

Phil did you see the mess that Haskell left in the What the huckleberry is that? It's Haskell's latest purchase.
He managed to buy something I have even less use for than a tanning bed.
Enough is enough.
You know, just because he came into money doesn't mean he can take over the whole apartment! Excuse me.
I'm aligning Mr.
Lutz's chakras, and he says your voices are disturbing his chi.
Oh, well, the last thing I'd want to do is disturb Mr.
Lutz's chi, so Haskell, get your ass out here right now! All right, but make it quick, because underneath this robe, I am basted like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Haskell, we need to talk.
Uh, uh, Star, can you excuse us for a moment? Oh, of course, Mr.
Lutz.
Star is descended from the Goddess Lakshmi.
She also works part-time at Target.
Look, Haskell, things have got to change around here.
You're leaving dirty dishes in the sink, wet towels on the floor, not to mention turning the living room into your own personal amusement park.
Yeah, and this fortune teller guy He's really freaking me out.
All right, I hear you, gentlemen.
I, uh, intend to make it right.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
Little something for your trouble.
There you go.
Something for you as well.
There you are.
What do I look like, the guy who works the door at the Booty Palace? Come on, Haskell, we don't want your money.
We want a little consideration.
And you can start by getting all this stuff out of here.
Hey, I live here too, and I can display my possessions any way I so choose.
All right, fine.
Then let's take a vote.
Who here wants Haskell to get rid of all this stuff and stop acting like a pompous tool? I believe the people have spoken.
Well, screw the people.
I'm not doing it.
- The hell you ain't! - Yeah.
The brother speaks for me too! What? It just sounds tougher when you Haskell, get the stuff out of here.
Guys.
Guys, what is going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Haskell's acting like he owns the place.
That's right.
He's rude.
He's disrespectful.
And every time he turns on that tanning bed, it wreaks havoc with my foot spa.
Tell me, Holly.
Do you think we should have to put up with this? Yes.
I invite your, uh, unbiased opinion.
You just grazed my boob.
Consider it a tip.
I agree with the guys.
Look, you got to get this stuff out of here and be more considerate.
And keep your money, I Ooh, a hundy.
No, no, no.
Fine.
I will consider it.
Star, heat up the sesame oil! And call Target, tell them you're gonna be late.
Stuart, do you always have to press the elevator button with your elbow? Those buttons are a teeming colony of mutating viruses.
It's a lot of work being you, isn't it? It's exhausting.
- Hey.
- Ah.
Hey, look at this.
Haskell got rid of his stuff.
Huh.
I was gearing up for more of an imbroglio.
I'm sorry, a-a whatio? An imbroglio a messy, complicated argument.
Oh.
Well, just say that, man.
Oh, my God! Look, Haskell listened to you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
I was afraid you guys were gonna have another contretemps.
Yeah, all I know is I'm just happy we worked it out with Haskell and reached an agreeable denouement.
Yeah, that's right I can do snooty.
Hey, Haskell! Hey, there he is.
What's happening, man? Hi, roomie.
I love it when my boys work it out.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Ah, look, I heard what you said, and I took it to heart.
The last thing I want is for my newfound wealth to inconvenience you in any way.
- Oh - Thank you.
- Which is why I'm moving out.
- Huh? Uh, that's right, I found a new residence that's more suited to my new station in life.
Haskell, you can't be serious.
Uh, here are my keys, and, uh, and this is a check to cover, well you'll know when you see it.
- No, no, Haskell - Hey, don't do this, man.
- Come on - Don't do this.
It's not without a tinge of remorse.
Let me take one last, fond look at the place I called home for four years.
Yikes.
Hey.
Hey, breakfast is on the table.
Have a seat.
Stuart, you set a place for Haskell again.
Ah.
I keep forgetting.
I don't know why.
It's not like I miss him or anything.
Me neither.
Not one bit.
As a matter of fact, I was thinking we could do something fun with his room.
- Oh.
- Like turn it into a man cave Flat screen, leather chairs - beer fridge.
- Gift-wrapping station? Oh, you'll thank me at Christmas.
Hey, guys.
- How you holding up? - Oh, fine.
We were just trying to figure out what to turn Haskell's room into.
That's all you care about? Your friend's been gone three days, and you don't even miss him? - Nope.
- Not a bit.
Well, I do! I miss when I pop in in the morning, and he's sitting on that couch or I come home from work, and he's sitting on that couch.
There's not much you can depend on in this life except for his ass on that couch! Yeah, well, life goes on.
Yes, it does.
Oh, I don't buy this act for a second.
You guys miss him too.
No, we don't.
Right, Stuart? Does the moon miss the sun? Of course we do.
I saw his shorty robe hanging in the bathroom this morning I damn near lost it.
Let's face it We're family.
It doesn't work without him.
I couldn't bear any of you leaving.
Guys, you have to go get him back.
How? He's the one who said he wanted a place more suited to his new station in life.
No, that's just his pride talking! Look, if I know Haskell And trust me, I do He's sitting on some strange couch right now missing us as much as we miss him.
You're right.
You're right.
He's like a scared little kid who ran away from home and is too stubborn to come back.
Mama's comin', baby! Oh, my God, the elevator opens up right into his apartment.
He's got no front door.
It's like living on the bridge of the Enterprise! Brazilian rosewood floors, Italian marble.
I can only imagine the kitchen.
Okay.
Play it cool.
Remember, we're here to get him back.
Right.
Hello, gentlemen.
Welcome to my humble little penthouse.
So what do you think? It's all right.
If you like that sort of thing.
Breathtaking view, huh? In the distance, you can see Lady Liberty raising her torch.
Unlike our old place where you could see Old Lady Rosenberg asleep on the toilet.
So, uh to what do I owe the pleasure? Well, Haskell, we know you're miserable and you want to come home.
Yeah, it's been hell.
Ah, I-I have to admit, this place is pretty spectacular.
Yeah, it's sick, man! You got no front door! I guess we better go tell Holly you're not coming back.
Hey, what's the rush? I mean, you're here.
Why not hang out, have a few drinks, enjoy the good life? Hey, you know there's a party tonight at the rooftop pool.
I don't hate that.
Well, I mean, it is a Wednesday, but, uh, I guess I could put on my party face.
Ha! Excellent.
Till then, we'll just enjoy our drinks and warm ourselves by the fire.
What fire? Whoa! Good morning.
Yes, it is a good morning, Haskell.
That bathroom's crazy.
Flat screen TV, sauna, showerhead with, like, 16 nozzles that hit all the right places.
I feel clean And a little dirty! Mm! Oh-ho-ho.
I know that smile.
Someone's in love.
She's got an eight-burner range, a center island with a prep sink, and a wood-burning pizza oven.
That kitchen completes me.
Anyway, Haskell, thank you for allowing us to crash last night.
Yes.
After that second spritzer, I was totally piss-faced.
Hey, it's nice living the high life, isn't it? Mm.
Wouldn't you like to do it every day? Well, you don't have to rub it in.
I'm not.
Move in with me.
- What? - Huh? Look, I miss you guys.
I'm lonely.
And what's the point in having a place like this if I can't share it with my best friends? Haskell, are you kidding? We could never afford this.
But I can.
Just pay what you've been paying, and I'll pick up the rest.
You're gonna get a kiss.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
What about Holly, right? I mean, she was upset when Haskell moved out.
Can you imagine if it was all of us? - Yeah, you're right.
- Of course I'm right.
- Although - Although? You got something? For all these years, this woman has been putting us first.
What would happen if we weren't there? - It would crush her.
- Or Or Stuart, there's an "or.
" Or with us out of the way, she'd be free to pursue her her life, her needs her happiness.
You're right.
We've been holding Holly back.
We've been selfish.
I don't like me very much right now.
Well, then why don't we do the right thing and put Holly first for once? Gentlemen, do I surmise that you agree to move in? Now, hang on, Haskell.
This is still a very big decision.
Phil and I are gonna have to talk it over.
- Yes.
- God, yes.
Yeah! Coming.
Oh, where have you guys been? I thought you were gonna see Haskell.
We did.
Well, what happened? Did you get him to come back? Sadly, no.
Well, why not? He can't be happy in some cold, lonely apartment.
Well, it does have its charms You know, chef's kitchen, high ceilings.
Oh, steam shower with nozzles.
Lots of nozzles.
So he's choosing an apartment over us? I can't believe it.
But, hey, at least we have each other.
Yes, yes.
And that's a good thing But sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.
Why's a good thing a bad thing? Where you going with that? Well, it's funny.
Uh, see, while we were over there, Haskell kind of asked us to move in.
Oh-ho! I wish I could have seen the look on his face when you turned him down.
You you did turn him down, didn't you? Well, not in so many words.
Exactly what words did you use? I don't remember the exact words.
It was something along the lines of, um yes.
Wha You're ditching me too? Yes, because we love you! Yeah.
All these years, Holly, you've been putting us first.
That's right setting aside your needs for us, and we let that happen.
- We've been selfish.
- Mm.
So selfish! Now it's your time to shine.
You shine, girl.
Wait, wait, okay, so wait.
You're doing all this for me, for my happiness? - Yeah.
That's it.
- Yeah, you deserve it, Holly.
That is just the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! You're not doing it for me.
You're doing it 'cause you want to move into some big, fancy apartment.
You should have just had the balls to come out and say it.
At least I would have respected that.
You're right.
We're sorry.
Yeah, we should have told you the truth.
Thank you.
- Get out! - Oh! There he is, my wealth manager! The man who makes my life worth living! - Hello, Haskell.
- Come on in, Arnie! How's my money? Let's start with the pie charts.
You know, I love the pie charts.
- No pie charts today.
- What do you got? Haskell, you know when you go to the track and you have a gut feeling about a long shot, so you put a bundle on it? - Uh-huh.
- The bell rings, they're off.
Your horse is at the back of the pack, but at the clubhouse turn, he makes his move, coming down the final stretch, it's neck and neck until your horse wins by a nose! - Yes! - Well, that didn't happen.
You're broke.
What? What do you mean I'm broke? Believe me, this was not easy for me to say.
That's why I opened with the uplifting racetrack story.
What the hell happened to my money? You were supposed to be managing it! You're the one that insisted on a 60% return.
Now, while third-world subprime mortgages can be very lucrative, they can also be highly volatile.
Now, who knew that the Kazakhstan real-estate bubble would burst? II don't believe it! I don't have any money? What am I gonna do? Well, now, as far as this place goes, don't worry.
I pulled some strings.
You don't have to be out until 5:00.
Oh, my God.
I'm weak.
I-I'm nauseous.
I-I-I've lost all feeling in my arms.
I can't lift them.
Would you do me a favor and strangle yourself? I think maybe I should say my good-byes.
I'm going to leave some cards by the door.
Referrals are always appreciated.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Well, it was upsetting, Haskell, but we did it.
We told Holly we're moving out.
Yeah.
And she did not take it well, but on the upside we have all of this.
That's right, buddy Home, sweet home.
Magnificent, isn't it? We have to be out by 5:00.
"Out"? You mean out so that housekeeping can come put those little mints on our pillows? I mean out.
We have no place to live.
I'm broke, busted, penniless.
Oh, dear God in Heaven, I'm one of them! I-I don't get it.
Haskell, what happened to all your money? Don't ask me that question when I'm 50 floors up! This is all your fault, man.
You're the one who seduced us with your steam showers and your heated toilet seats! Yeah, yeah, and your eight-burner range and your pasta faucet.
Don't play the doe-eyed innocent with me! Your panties dropped the second you were off that elevator! He's right.
He's right.
He's right.
We We sold out Holly for an apartment.
Yes.
But what are we gonna do? Where are we gonna live? We're gonna have to beg her to take us back.
After what we did, there's no way she'll take us back.
- Although - He's got an "although.
" What's the "although"? Although she's upset now, under all those hurt feelings is a warm, caring, compassionate woman.
We're.
Are you okay? I can't believe they're gone.
I mean, I knew they'd move on eventually, but I always thought it would be when Stuart got married or Phil got some big job and Haskell would end up on one of their couches.
So I guess you'll be looking for new tenants, huh? Three strangers in here instead of my boys? I can't even think about it.
They're such a big part of my life.
I don't know how I'm gonna fill the void.
At least I have you.
Ooh! That's right, I have you! Oh, I have the best idea! Why don't I move in here and you move into my place? - No! - You're right, that's crazy.
Let's both move in here together.
Yes.
Yeah.
We'll live together, work together.
You'll become my personal project.
Uh, uh, or you could take a class or go on a singles' cruise or take a raft down the Amazon.
Most people come back.
Oh.
Hey, Holly.
- Hey, Eden.
- Help! She's gonna make me fill the void! So you guys came back to get your stuff, huh? Look, Holly, because we love and respect you, this time we're just gonna tell you the truth.
Yeah, uh Haskell lost all his money, and we're here to beg you to please let us come home.
Don't lie to me.
There's no way he went through all that money.
Haskell's smarter than He went through all his money! Every penny.
I want my old room, and if you haven't cleaned up that thing, I could use that check back.
Well, welly, well So you ditch me, come crawling back, expect me to welcome you with open arms? We were hoping.
It's too late.
I already rented it out.
- What? - What? Already? We just moved out.
And I moved on.
Or did you imagine I was just going to walk around here whining, moping, wistfully running my fingers across the furniture? - Well - Kind of.
I got three great guys coming in here.
Ted's an architect.
Bob's a neurosurgeon.
And Warren's also a neurosurgeon.
And they're all cute and single.
You know what? I should thank you guys.
Thank you! No, no, Holly, those guys don't belong here.
We do.
Look, we did a stupid thing, and we're really sorry, but we really did miss you.
Exactly what did you miss about me? No matter how fussy or insecure I am, you never lose patience, and you're always there for me.
Not bad.
You? I know that sometimes I can be a little shallow and Self-involved Mm-hmm.
But you call me on it, and that makes me a better man.
You're up, Haskell.
Holly I need you now more than ever.
You're the only person who never gave up on me.
Oh, all right, all right! I'll call Ted, Bob, and Warren.
They'll be crushed.
I think Ted had the hots for me.
- Thank you, Holly.
- We don't deserve you.
You're the best.
And you remember that, 'cause I'm only doing this for you.