The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e17 Episode Script

Mom.
Yeah? I still don't get it.
Okay,sweetie,just relax,okay? Tell me the problem and I'll help you.
They want us to explain the Cold War.
come on,Ritchie.
That's not hard.
Why don't you explain it to him,then? Okay,all right,sweetie.
So,there was a time,long before global warming, when the Earth-- our planet-- was very cold.
It was so cold that it made people want to fight.
Okay,next question.
Ritchie,you'd have a better chance of getting it right if you left it blank.
Don't worry,pal,I'm gonna pick you up a book,okay? -Okay.
-I- I'll do it,all right? Barb,could you pick up a book for Ritchie on the Cold War? Sure.
I'll also pick up a book on the Bay of Pigs, which contrary to what you taught Ritchie, did not take place at an all-you-can-eat luau.
All right,sweetie,go upstairs, rest your brain and-- wait a minute.
Don't forget,Wednesday is a pupil-free day at school, so maybe you want to invite a friend over.
Who's your best friend these days? You.
I'm his best friend.
I'm his best friend.
I love this kid.
He's the cutest kid in the world.
Okay,sweetie,you know what we'll do? We'll have burritos,and we'll eat ice cream, in honor of the Cold War.
-Awesome! -Yeah,cool.
Okay,go upstairs,all right? -Barb will be up in a minute to read you a story.
-Okay.
How about that kid.
Yeah,how about him,Christine.
He's got no friends.
It's the saddest thing I ever heard.
Sad? Why do I feel so happy? You should be encouraging him to hang out with kids his own age.
What?I do.
I can't help it if he loves me the best.
Hey,any word on the heating situation in my room? yeah,yeah,yeah.
I'll handle it.
Barb,can you call someone to fix the heater in his room? Why me? You know,Barb,I already had one lazy husband, and you know what happened to him.
He lived happily ever after.
Matthew,why don't you just sleep in here until the heater gets fixed? No,my feet hang off the end of the couch.
And I need at least two locked doors between you and me.
Don't kid yourself.
I can get in if I want to.
Matthew,why don't you just stay with us? Yes,please.
We have a perfectly good guest room that no one will stay in.
Yes,please.
It might be haunted.
That's why Christine's family never wants to stay with us.
Yes.
That's why.
Season 4 Episode 17 I can't believe I have to cancel my seaweed body wrap because of this stupid pupil-free day tomorrow.
I know.
I swear the more money we spend at this school, the more time we have to spend with our kids.
Sorry I'm bringing you into such a terrible world,Will Smith.
Wait.
You found out you're having a boy? No fair! We said we were waiting.
I just assumed I'm having a boy because I'm carrying small and my bottom hasn't spread.
By the look of things,you should be working on girl names.
You know,Christine,that's the lost and found box, it's not the closeout sale at Merlins.
Yeah,I think the store's called Mermans.
It's Mervyns! And I'm not shopping,okay? I happen to be looking for something that I lost.
Uh,you you don't happen to have this in a size four,do you? So,uh,listen,Christine, we will pay you $50 if you watch our daughters tomorrow.
That should cover a day's paycheck for you,right? yeah,that's about in the ballpark.
But as tempting as that offer sounds, Ritchie and I have a date tomorrow.
proving there's someone out there for everyone.
All right,come on.
Let's go,girls.
Hey,Ritchie buddy! How was school? Great! -Hey,Mom.
-Yeah? Can my friend Justin come over tomorrow? -tomorrow? -Yeah.
did you forget that you have plans with your other friend tomorrow? Who? Me.
But Justin just got moved next to me in Mrs.
Haddock's class, and he's my friend.
Well,then I guess you have a big decision to make.
-Yeah,all right.
Fine,go ahead.
-Thanks.
-I'll go tell him.
-Okay.
-Hi.
Are you Ritchie's mom? -Yes.
I'm Francie,Justin's mom.
I'm Christine.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
Great top.
Did you get that at the lost and found? No.
Why,is it yours? no.
Well,then yes,I did.
-This school has the best lost and found.
-Yes.
One time,I was looking for this cheap gold bracelet I lost, and I came away with a great watch.
Okay,I'll do you one better.
-One time,I lost my cheap watch.
-Yeah.
And I found this gold bangle.
-my God.
-That's hilarious.
-You want? -thank you.
anyway,so I guess our boys want a playdate tomorrow? -Yeah,I guess so.
-Justin's so excited.
You know,he doesn't have that many friends.
Not 'cause he's weird or anything.
He's normal.
I mean,at least,he tests in the normal range of kids like him.
Well,you know what? I mean,I am certainly not one to judge anybody else's kids.
You know,my Ritchie still wears floaties in the bathtub.
All right,well So,we'll see you tomorrow.
Uh,come around noon and stay till 5:00? Uh,uh,we? yeah,yeah.
I like to stay with Justin at his playdates.
Not 'cause he's a freak or anything.
All right,listen,he is a freak,okay? But he's so sweet.
And,boy,if you want someone to count stairs,he's your guy.
Come on! Hey,Matthew.
Welcome to Casa de Richard.
No! She doesn't love that.
Come on in.
thanks.
And I just want you to know,you don't have to worry about me.
I won't make any noise or eat your food, and I'll tell you you're pretty every morning.
This isn't Christine's house.
You don't have to be afraid anymore.
Matthew,welcome.
Let me take your bag.
I've put together a few things to make your stay more comfortable.
You'll find a chenille robe, organic hand milled hypo-allergenic bath products.
I have to apologize,the towel warmer in your bathroom is broken, but the fireplace in your bedroom keeps it nice and toasty.
I would have dreamed of a place like this if I wasn't afraid to fall asleep at Christine's.
How do you take your eggs? On a McMuffin.
Why don't you make yourself at home,and I'll surprise you.
You're gonna get waffles.
I just don't understand why she has to come,too.
It's a five-hour playdate.
How am I supposed to entertain her? I can barely entertain myself for that long.
Might be good for you to give this woman a chance.
You could use another friend.
I don't need any more friends.
I got Ritchie and I have you.
No,Ritchie just ditched you,and I need a break.
What are you saying,Barb? I need a break.
You know,uh,Barb,if you have something you want to tell me, why don't you just come right out and say it? -Look,you know I love you.
-good.
I thought you were gonna try to say something else.
Christine,I'm just saying that sometimes I need a little time for myself.
Fine.
Yeah.
Just take as much time as you need.
Take a whole hour,if you like.
I'll see you later,Christine.
Good luck to you.
Hey,hey,guys.
Uh,Ritchie,Ritchie!Justin is here! My friend is here!He's here!I have a friend! Okay.
Calm down,sweetheart,okay? Let's not scare our friend away,all right? Be cool,all right?Come on.
-Hey,guys.
Come on in.
-Thanks.
They're here! It wasn't a trick! I do have a friend! -Come on in,have a seat.
-Okay,thank you.
Sorry we're a little late.
I spent the whole morning waiting for the guy to come and fix my washing machine.
He never showed,of course, which is why I'm wearing pajama bottoms, in case you were wondering.
no,I wasn't wondering.
I ran out of clean underwear myself this morning.
That's why I've got my bathing suit bottoms on.
Bathing suit.
-That's a good idea.
-Right? I tied two bandanas together.
When I pull down my pants,I look like a golden retriever.
Um,you know what? I was gonna do laundry myself this morning, but it sounds like you need it more.
So do you want to just go and grab your stuff and I can throw it in the machine? -That is so nice.
-sure.
I'm supposed to have a job interview tomorrow morning.
I've already canceled twice-- Hey,wait,did my kid come in here with me? Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah.
He's upstairs with Ritchie,remember? good.
-Hard to keep track of them all the time.
-I know,I know.
I know what you mean.
God,it's a miracle I've never actually lost mine.
-You haven't? -No.
Wow,you're a good mom.
Christine,I hope you don't waste your money on dry cleaning.
You know you can throw polyester right in the wash.
These aren't my clothes,okay? So they might not even be polyester.
I'm just picking up Justin.
Have another drink.
Your son's name is Ritchie.
I know that.
I'm doing Francie a favor.
I got her dry cleaning and I'm picking up her kid.
Why? Because that's what friends do.
Uh,you never do that for me.
I got pregnant for you! That was eight months ago.
Barb,what-what are you doing here? I always pick up Ritchie on Thursdays.
I thought you wanted a break.
Not from Ritchie.
yeah.
Just from me.
Well,I'm here anyway 'cause I'm picking up Justin for Francie.
I think I'm her best friend.
Wow,that's sad.
No.
No,that's not sad,okay? She looks up to me.
Well,not physically.
I mean,she's a foot and a half taller than me.
But emotionally,all right? You know how I'm kind of together and on the ball? You know how I'm a Rockette? Francie brings out the best in me.
And guess what? I'm not taking a break from her.
Christine,I didn't mean anything by that break thing.
Listen,I don't have time to debate this right now.
All right,I've got to get Justin and Ritchie home, I've got to pack their lunches for tomorrow, I've got to pick up Francie's pap smear results.
And that's what you're missing out on,Barb.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I would say ironing, but that thing's not plugged in so I don't know what you're doing.
Damn it! No wonder.
God,I hate technology.
Francie's got this job interview today and she asked me to iron her clothes.
Why are you doing it? Because she is a mess,Matthew.
She is totally reliant on me.
She can't do anything for herself.
I have never met anyone so self-absorbed.
All she does is talk about herself.
Any chance my heater's fixed? And the worst part is,I am this woman's rock.
-Wait,you? -Yeah.
You're not a rock.
At best,you're a dry clump of mud.
I mean,it looks like a rock but then it crumbles when you touch it.
I know! And I thought it was like so great at first but I mean, it is just too much,you know? I need a break from her.
Hey,where's Barb in all this? She took a break from me.
I gotta ditch Francie.
And then you'll fix my heater? Enough about the heater! I mean,you've been going on and on and on about that since you got here.
You're right,I'm sorry.
I just came back to pick up some slacks.
I'm not allowed to wear dungarees at the dinner table.
Dungarees? What the hell is going on over in that house? Nothing,it's great,it's perfect.
It's like The Four Seasons slash prison camp.
Sorry I'm late.
I've had the worst day.
All right,Justin's upstairs.
You didn't lose him.
But listen,before you tell me about your latest cris, there is something that I want to talk to you about.
Okay,listen Francie,I'm sure that whatever is going on with you is very,very upsetting, but I really don't have time to hear it this time.
I want to tell you something.
My grandma died.
Yeah,of course she did.
Why do these things always happen to me?! Nice slacks.
Where's your jacket? What?I don't own a jacket.
This is my first pair of slacks.
I left the tag on so I can take them back after dinner.
well,when we eat in the ding room New Christine makes me wear a jacket.
Maybe she won't notice.
Hi,Matthew,you look nice.
Where's your jacket? I'm sorry.
I didn't know dinner was going to be so fancy.
You don't even have to wear pants to the table at Christine's.
Well,she doesn't.
When I drop a fork I just leave it.
When we eat in the kitchen it's not as fancy.
But tonight we're eating in the ding room,so Do you want me to eat in the kitchen? No,don't be silly.
I'll get you a jacket.
I'd say 42 long.
I'll be right back.
Is she going to buy me a jacket? No,she keeps extras for guests who were "raised by wolves.
" It's scary here.
Eh,so you put up with a little more formality.
Besides,casual Friday's coming up.
You can wear chinos.
Here we go.
That'll make you look like a person.
Uh-Richard.
What? I look like a person.
No,I don't see flowers on the table.
shoot.
I forgot.
But I'm wearing socks.
And the barn door is not open.
Well,thanks for that.
I'll just run out to the flower market.
Matthew,barn door.
To the good life.
Use a coaster; she'll go nuts! Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?Not uh-oh.
Holy freaking crap! It's just a little wine.
She makes us wear jackets to dinner.
You think she's going to be okay with a wine stain on her favorite rug? So,what do we do? Okay,calm down.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Calm down! Just stopstop saying "Calm down! " Let's just get the stain out.
Okay,okay,okay,one thing I remember her saying is: when when it comes to wine,you want to blot,not rub.
I think I've been rubbing.
Okay,okay,I've prepared for this.
I have $10,000 in cash, a passport and a fake mustache.
I'll see you.
wait,wait,wait,wait,wait.
It's coming up,it's coming up.
Okay,good.
hey,what's that little thread? I'll get it.
-What's happening? -I don't know.
-Stop pulling it!--Why? -I can't.
--I don't know.
Christine,thank God you're here.
Did you get everything? Yeah,I-I think so.
Um,I got the tissues,I printed out directions to the cemetery, I ordered food for when people come back to your house And I couldn't find a guest book, so I got an autograph book instead.
Is there any chance your grandma was a fan of Hannah Montana? You are a lifesaver.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
What did you do without me? I was a mess.
Listen,can I ask you one more favor? I can't use a shovel in these heels.
No,they want me to say a few words about my grandma, and I don't think I can.
Would you mind? Would I mi what? Giving a teeny-weenie eulogy? Francie,you know, I think I've been a pretty good friend so far but this is really crossing a line.
I mean,I didn't even know your grandma.
-She would have loved you,Christine.
-Okay,fine,fine,fine.
Uh,what was her name? What did-- How did she die? What did she love? Nana plane crash planes.
That looks great.
I don't think you can tell.
Yep,this hot glue gun's gotten me out of a lot of jams.
Whenever I have to get something done really fast on a house I'm building: hot glue gun.
By the way,if you can avoid it, don't sit underneath that chandelier.
There she is.
Jackets! Sorry that took so long.
They didn't have nasturtiums,so I had to go with the peonies.
What's the matter,Richard? You usually laugh when I say "peonies.
" Peonies.
Yeah.
-So,should we retire to the ding room? -Yes,I'm starving.
What happened here? Matthew spilled wine on the rug! Dude! I'm sorry,I have to live here.
You spilled wine on the rug? I just noticed you didn't use a coaster.
He didn't use a coaster either.
Dude! You spilled wine on my rug? Look,I'm so sorry,it was just an accident,really.
You can't even notice it.
I glued it back together.
Glued what together? Matthew unraveled the rug! Dude! Why do you think you can solve everything with a stupid glue gun? Look,I know you're mad.
But let's not take it out on the glue gun.
Is this some kind of joke to you? Do you know how hard I work to make this house nice? We always have fresh flowers,we always have clean sheets.
I bought 12 sport jackets for your animal friends.
-Christine -No,no,it's my fault.
It's my fault for thinking I can have nice things in a home where people don't give a crap.
So,you know what? From now on I don't give a crap.
We'll use one fork for everything.
We'll pour the salad dressing straight from the bottle.
We won't use a top sheet or a dust ruffle.
Hell,let's just climb into bed without showering.
We can sleep in our own filth.
In fact,break out the chinos,Richard, because from now on every day is Casual Freaking Friday.
I love how much work you put into this house,I really do.
But at a certain point it's hard to live like this.
The rug and the coffee table are just things, and things can be replaced.
I will buy you a new rug.
How much did it cost? Five thousand dollars.
Your hardwood floors are so beautiful.
Why cover them up? I don't know what to say.
I just want this house to be perfect.
It is perfect.
We don't need fancy rugs or ringless coffee tables and clean sheets.
You know what makes it perfect? Us.
Everything in this house can be replaced except for our love.
Richard,that's so sweet.
You're right,I'm sorry.
I don't care about these things.
Everything here can be replaced.
Well,everything except for my antique ding table.
I love you,Richard.
I'm gonna go.
my God,Barb! -Thank God you're here.
-Of course I'm here.
You left a message saying someone died and to get down here right away.
Who died? Francie's Nana.
Damn it,I thought someone important died.
Not Francie's dumbass Nana.
Sorry for your loss.
Yeah,well,would you have come down here if I'd asked you to help me with a complete stranger's funeral? Yes,I would have.
Yeah,well,that's why I didn't say it.
Wait,what? I miss you,Christine.
my God,Barb.
You do? Yeah,I like being needed.
I didn't know what to do with myself without you.
It's like I lost my purpose.
Thank you,Barb.
Can I ask you one teeny-weenie favor? What can I say about Francie's Nana? Looking at her,we know she wastall and white.