Xena: Warrior Princess s04e17 Episode Script

It's no use.
I can't get it out of my mind, even with yoga.
Well, ya can't say thatcha didn't try.
-And ya can't say that I didn't try.
-I appreciate that.
But, Xena, it was one of my favorite scrolls, a new one charting our history through the prism of time.
-It was a more intimate -Examination of our relationship and on and on.
You've been talking about it ever since we left Paraeus.
I can't recreate the beauty, the essence.
Then, Gabrielle, go back for it.
Gabrielle The prince needs my help in Arcon.
I'm gonna go ahead.
You go back to Paraeus and catch up with me when you can.
-Are you sure? -Sure, I'm sure.
-Go on, make us both happy.
-Thank you.
-Don't mention it.
-Ok.
Well, when I say "Don't mention it.
" I mean you can mention it.
It's just a figure of speech.
You don't have to take it literally.
It wouldn't kill ya to maybe to look back or something.
Aw, rats.
All right, Argo, it's just you and me.
-Welcome! Welcome! -It was her underwear! You're much funnier than Euripides! I am! Not in your lifetime.
Thank you.
-We came through here -She'll never work in this town again.
We walked this way We said hi to the tavernkeeper We almost Joxer Lousy drunk! I'm not drunk! I just trip over things like that.
-Joxer, what are you doing? -Hi.
Gabrielle Wow! Your hair Did that hurt? What's that you're wearing? -Sari.
-Don't apologize.
It looks good.
Joxer, I'm looking for something.
It's very important.
It's close to my heart, and I know it's here somewhere.
You mean, like a feeling? D'ya get it often? Like now, for example? Yeah, because I know the scroll is here somewhere.
Oh, scroll Well, maybe you left it in one of these theaters.
I wish I had.
Paraeus is the great Appian Way.
You know, I could spend a week going to all these plays.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love theater.
Euripicles and Sophamore -Euripides.
Sophocles -Yeah, those guys, too.
Ah Sophocles If I could pick one person to be my mentor His writing is perfect.
Hey! Whaddya say, you and me go to a Sophocles play? I'll bring a bag 'a oats and, you know -Joxer, I really have to find my -Masterpiece! -Is that what you're looking for? -My scroll This is it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
-Where did you find it? -I was sitting in the little girls' house and there it was, right beside me.
I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of money for a reward.
Reward schmeward! The Fates have already rewarded me enough.
I am Zera, a producer of plays! This is my associate, Milo.
I'm Gabrielle.
The writer.
I'm Joxer Her associate.
Joxer, the Mighty.
You've probably read about me in those scrolls, didn't she? Oh, that was you.
Very good! I must say, in that stall, I saw greatness.
-Really? -Your scroll I was swept away by the majesty of your words The brilliance, the soul-changing dynamic of your vision.
This work must be seen on the stage.
And I I would be so humbled if you would allow me to produce it That's very flattering.
I I can't.
Xena needs me in Arcon.
I Besides, my scroll is meant to be read, not performed.
Gabrielle, I know we're just like typical, flashy, show-biz types to you but I got into this business because I believe in the arts.
There is so much garbage around but, when I saw your scrolls, well This is substance.
Don't the people deserve to see it? Please Please To think that people could be touched by sum'in' left in a bathroom If I were to rewrite it, for the stage, I could show people all the lessons I learned in India about peace and happiness.
-I'll do it.
-Thank you! Thank you, Gabrielle! There is theater in your soul.
"And the very air sang with harmony as Xena lay down her sword.
" "And Humungus, ennobled by her gesture, lay his down as well.
" Ok.
I'll get back to you right after I send word to Xena.
Ah, yeah.
Well, pretty good.
"Humungus was ennobled" All that.
Pretty good.
"The air sang with harmony"? I know! Zera, baby, what scam are you up to now? Usually, I can smell the money.
But I'm not sure what I'm smelling here.
What if I told you we found the golden fleece and her name is Gabrielle? You bad girl.
What are you up to? If the village witnesses this garbage they'll throw your playwright right out of town.
Oh, dear heart, if she's lucky.
The people I'm thinking of are liable to kill her.
In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS Athens Academy Theater presents Sophocles' "The Women of Trachis" Titan Playhouse direct from Roma! "A funny thing happened the way to the Acropolis" Original cast! By-The-Gods Performing Arts Center "Oh, Zeus" A divine comedy.
Laugh of be smitten! Apollo What a dump.
Where's the theater? This is the theater, dear boy.
The Apollo is known throughout the world.
As a dive.
Here it is.
Needs a little cleaning.
And a touch of paint Here There There But I can see it.
I knew I made the right choice.
You have an innate vision, Gabrielle.
You see through the exterior to the ghosts of performances past.
Ghost? Where? Who? All the way down here! I'm a true believer of the auteur theory.
You are the creator, the writer.
I cannot allow someone else to interpret your vision.
Therefore, I want you to also be the director.
-The director -Yes.
I've never done anything like that before.
Oh, but it must be you.
There's so much to take care of Casting, set design, rehearsals You'll need an assistant.
Can I? Please? -Can I be an assistant? -Enthusiasm is so important You should give him a task that is worthy of it.
Ok, Joxer.
It's you.
Great! Ok, ok! We'll start by putting up a new flap back there.
A whole aegean sunset.
Then we'll have to tear out these walls 'cause we need a new persineum, you know? And I'll meet the press.
How do you do? How do you do? And I'll hafta have lunch with an agent.
I know just the job to start you with.
Open casting call.
"Gabrielle and Xena A message of peace" Hey Do you mind? I'm trying to fill out my last will and testament.
A new play? It sounds good.
I can't wait to see it.
Son of Zeus! I love the theater! This place is great! Even the warlords love the theater.
I have many skills.
I'm too fat! But Xena, you followed the violent approach in the past and what has come of it but more violence? Thank you.
Next.
I didn't realize casting Gabrielle would be so difficult.
There's j It's a subtlety to the character.
I'm no Zera? Zera! Sorry, my dear.
Your beautiful prose already rings in my head.
I'm looking for a certain physical presence.
Maybe you should take a break from Gabrielles and try casting a Xena.
You.
You look like Xena.
Can you act? You were right, Gabrielle.
How could have I been so blind? Ok.
Now, try it like Xena would.
You were right, Gabrielle.
How could have I been so blind? She'll do.
Besides, Xena requires more of an athlete.
Great! Back to the Gabrielles.
Never fear! Xena is here! Minya? -What are you doing here? -Auditioning.
Now my dream of being Xena can finally come true! I'm sorry, Minya, but the part's been cast.
What, this bag of bones? She couldn't shoo a mule, let alone bust heads! I can too shoo a mule! Shoo! Why, you! Well, I see you have everything well in hand, my dear.
I must run 'n' meet with an inverstor.
Good luck, darling! I was born to play this role.
As soon as I heard you were doing this, I knew I was what you wanted.
Minya, how about playing a villain? They usually have the best roles.
I can write something for you.
Well I could still use my Xena dark side, couldn't I? Do you see what I see? Oh, my gods! Oh, my gods, a centaur! I understand you're putting on a play.
My name is Dustinus Hoofmanus.
I wish to audition.
Centaurs do not do plays.
There isn't a centaur in the entire Appian Way.
Incredible! Yes, I am.
You're hired.
I don't care what I have to do you'll be in the script, I promise.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way I do not play quadrupeds.
Make sure the role reflects that.
What? I do not play four-legged creatures.
-But you're a centaur -I am an actor! I refuse to limit myself! Gonna make him play a villain, too? A Sophocles play? A brand-new Sophocles play? It's opening opposite mine.
Yeah, everyone was talkin' about it.
Great art, huh? It's a disaster.
Sophocles is the master of prose, of feeling, of plumbing the emotional depths of human existence.
Writes good, too.
No one's gonna see my play.
Not with his opening the same night as mine.
Hey, that's not true, Gabrielle.
I just ran into this warlord.
He said he was definitely coming to see your play.
Seriously.
-That's it! -What? Who cares who sees my play as long as the right people see it? This warlord He wants to hear my message of peace.
That's who my play speaks to.
Fantastic.
It's the artist's dream.
"Art smart"! All I care about is getting my money so I can buy those weapons my army needs.
Don't worry, Kaelus.
As a major investor you'll get 75% of the profits.
Gabrielle is doing this for next to nothing.
All the credit goes to her.
Where's my drink? My little bowl of vipers, let me get this right.
You sold Kaelus, the Conqueror, 75 % interest in the play, right? -Yes, dearest.
-But you also sold 75 % to the warlord Therax, the Terrible.
Doesn't quite add up.
If the play is a success If it was a success, they would both want their money.
But you've read that play.
It can't possibly succeed.
-And if it's a failure -They won't even try to collect.
And we keep the investments.
They'll try to collect, all right, but it won't be from us.
It'll be from -It had better be a success.
-Great.
-Go on.
.
-Hi, Gaby.
I like the colors you're using on that flag.
Thank you.
It's the background vista to Xena's redemption scene.
Listen.
I was talkin' with Zera and she thinks that you might need someone to take over some of the more noncreative aspects of the show.
Publicity, promotion, ticket sales Artists cannot be bothered with trifles like that.
-Right.
-Ok.
Thanks, Joxer.
That's why she made me the producer.
You? The producer? Of my play? Not in this world! Not in this life! Not on this stage! Gabrielle Please Producers have no weight in this community.
The stage is for the artists.
We are merely functionaries.
Does this require him to spend time outside the theater? -Almost exclusively.
-Ok.
Good! Must rush, darling.
Joxer Selling a show takes more than hanging posters.
You really need to get inside the minds of the people -and find out what they want.
-Hey, I'm a people.
I know what I want.
I know what I like.
Doesn't matter, anyway.
I know who my audience is.
Well, that's great.
That's perfect.
You're the creative side, and I'm the business guy.
What are you doing? This is the worst field I've ever seen.
Because it's an ocean.
I want you all to know that this is a collaboration.
That's right.
The success or failure of this show rides on all of us, not one person.
Well, I'm not gonna take the blame if she turns out to be a lousy Xena.
Wouldn't be my fault! It'd be the Gabrielle! She's got all the lines.
Hey, who did get that part? Finding the right Gabrielle proved to be more difficult than I expected.
Very difficult.
I realized that only one person can fully capture the spiritual essence of Gabrielle.
Someone who actually lived that truth.
Lived the truth.
-So I cast myself.
-So Couldn't see that one coming, could we? So remember, Xena Faith is not a jump in the night but a walk in the light.
Look, it's King Whatsis, approaching on his -Horse! -horse! Hello, there, friends, Gabrielle and Xena.
I seek your help.
The warlord, Humungus, is behaving in a destructive way.
No doubt as a result of his impoverished upbringing and other societal factors beyond his control.
Here he comes now! I am the warlord Humungus.
Are you Xena? I am.
Come, sit down.
We wish to give you A message of peace.
Ok.
And curtain! Could that have gone better? Great work! Great drama.
Ok, let's keep going.
Minya! -Come on, it's your big scene.
-Yeah.
My big scene, where I talk my issues out more It seems like all we do is talk.
You know, maybe the play might be even better if we just clobbered some skulls.
No, Xena doesn't do that.
Her message is of peace.
Yeah.
Gabrielle, the play is great.
Maybe if we just had a different title Like what? "Springtime for warlords"? Well, or "Blood, guts and babes".
"Wild men in rubber".
Or "Big boys in boxers".
-That would be great! -You're on the right track, you know? -"Chorus of showgirls"! -Yeah! Stop it.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! This is my play! Now, I am in charge here and I say we can make a few changes but we will not ruin my vision.
Well, well, well, well.
Aren't you all ashamed of yourselves? Gabrielle put her heart and soul into this play.
And as a producer, I'm ashamed for all of you.
But as a producer I have a few little changes to make.
First Zera, so good to see you.
Therax, here wants to check on his investment.
Yeah, that's right.
And if I don't like what I see I'm grinding my profits from the bones of your little playwright.
Therax, sweetheart, don't worry.
The show is a guaranteed moneymaker.
I can't say it enough.
This Gabrielle, she's an absolute genius.
I have inner peace.
I can work with amatours.
In with love, out with hate.
In with love.
Out with hate.
Well, I just gotta tell her that that's just the way it's gotta be.
Gabrielle We were all talking and we just wanted to say that we're sorry.
Thank you.
And I want to apologize for losing control.
I promise, it won't happen again.
Ok? Well, let's start where we left off.
Scene 84.
Ok, first positions.
Let's go.
Pollena, when you're ready.
Xena, is that you? I have pr -What happened to your costume? -Ask my producer.
I just figured You know, a little eye candy What's the harm? Doesn't affect the vision thing.
It's all still the same.
So, go on.
Ok.
Let's move on to act 8.
It'll be the entrance of Whatsis.
I'll give the cue.
Look, it's King Whatsis on his horse.
Hello, Gabrielle and Xena.
I have battled the warlord Humungus.
His army destroyed my entire battalion.
What's this? It's It's blood.
You have a head on your stick.
These are your changes? Blood? Sex? And a hot tub.
I got the guys workin' on it in the back.
I thought to myself "Joxer, what is it that you like?" And I figured, that's what the public wants.
Artists aren't supposed to care what the public wants.
We're not doing this for money.
-I am.
-So am I! Look, if you don't like my message, you can all take off.
No good playwright would have her art reduced to garbage for the sake of a few dinars! I wonder what Sophocles would say.
Why don't I ask him? Artist to artist.
I asked for blood! You call that blood? -And shorten those skirts! -Sophocles? -It's her play, and we're gonna apol -Ok.
Hi, Gabrielle.
Listen.
We were talking and, we just wanna tell you we think you're I have an announcement to make.
A message means nothing if no one hears it.
A flower in the forest is just a plant if no one sees it.
We're gonna need more blood.
I want more skin.
I want action.
I want weapons.
I want battlefields with beaten, bloodied bodies.
We're gonna take this little flower and we're gonna cram it down their throats for their own good.
-What about the critics? -It'll kill 'em all.
"Faster, chakram kill, kill, kill.
" Boy.
Kill 'em all! Kill 'em all! You see? It's from the back of the throat.
It's much more guttural.
I mean, we have to believe the anger, the hatred for life.
Ok? Now make that audience shiver.
Kill! Kill 'em all! Yeah, they'll shiver, all right.
With laughter.
Like you could do better -You bet I could.
-Well, you can't 'cause I got the part.
That's good.
Sell it to the back row! Gabrielle, dear.
I see you've made some changes.
I hope this won't get in the way of your vision.
No.
The vision's fine.
Look, we're gonna need a bit more in the way of cash.
More? But, darling, we were very specific about the budget.
-The investors -If the investors want a hit they can cough up the cash.
You tell them.
And if they don't, I announce bankruptcy and we close the doors but I am not going to take this bird out until she can fly.
-Well, I'll see what I can do.
-Good.
Ok.
Can you lift her up? Lift her up.
But, sweet of my tooth, if she increases the budget -She reduces our profit.
I know.
-We could just let her shut down.
I mean, this travesty of a mockery of a play comes to an end and we're home.
And what, my little addlebrain? The investors would come at us, the money people.
No.
No, no.
We have to come up with something before Gabrielle turns us into a legitimate enterprise.
We could ask the warlords for more money.
I'm already pushing the limit on their percentages as it is.
Well, the warlord Cleon is in town.
Cleon? Are you kidding? Cleon fund a play about Xena? He hates Xena.
She defeated him twice, humilitated him in battle.
But with the right sales pitch I get chills when that delicious brain of yours clicks.
May I kiss you? -Stop it.
-Sorry.
Put the hot tub, center stage.
I want the audience to get an eyeful.
Pollena, Pollena, no, no.
You need to grin wildly.
Like you can't wait to hack him into pieces before you chop his head off.
"This is for you, Humungus, you vile bastard!" Do you get it? What am I doing? All this sex, blood, violence Have I gone crazy? Gabrielle We just sold out the first night! Crazy like a fox! I want more blood! Let's make it gushing! How'd you get Gabrielle to spill all of Xena's weaknesses? Simple.
By having her write and direct a play about her friend.
-And she told everything, right, Milo? -Everything.
If anyone could get to Xena, it would be that little friend of hers.
-I'm in.
-Perfect! Listen now and you will hear The action-packed tale of Xena Xena, Xena Xena, Warrior Princess -I'm really wet! -Me too! Xena! I've been searching for you high and low! Please help rid my kingdom of that scourge Humungus.
Xena, it's the warlord Humungus! Help me! Inspirational Please, say it again.
How much do we stand to make? What can I say? A lot! I saw the play.
I can explain.
You know what they say.
A bad dress rehearsal Great opening night.
-I loved it.
-You did? The power The passion The danger The blood The kick-butt feel! This show is gonna run for years.
He actually liked it? -This is not good.
-If the play's a success, we're Don't say the "Delta" word.
The other warlord, Therax.
What could have happened? That Joxer He was right on the money.
We have to get Gabrielle back to that boring, pretentious, heavy-handed material we fell in love with.
-Yes.
-Now, girls! Darlings! Congratulations! -Congratulations.
-Your play is already the talk of the town.
I ran into one of the investors, the warlor Kaelus, the Conqueror.
He snuck into rehearsal and what he saw just blew him away.
I have never seen anyone so galvanized as he was.
Galvanized.
He said he wanted his entire army to see the play.
How many in his army? We got a matinee that hasn't sold out yet.
Apparently, he's planning on invading a neighboring country and, well your play is certain to fire up his army! Goodbye, darlings! -Goodbye, darlings! -See you opening night! -Oh, my gods.
-What? What have I done? Well, apparently, you've created a great motivational play.
For warlords.
I sold out, Joxer.
I can't believe it.
I sold out.
Look, we are going back to my original vision.
I don't care how much money we lose.
It's going to be peace, love, and changing the world.
-"A message of peace".
-Yep.
Great.
No pretensions, no ego.
-Nope.
-Gotta hurry! -People should arrive soon.
-Right.
A Joxer Production Gabrielle Criticus, from Borias, is in the audience right now.
Don't worry.
He's gonna love it.
Your vision's great.
Thank you.
Welcome to the premiere performance of "Gabrielle and Xena A message of peace".
If you're looking for titillation, blood, violence, you've come to the wrong place.
What's she up to? Behold the love, the peace and be changed.
Xena, fearless, noble, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
How many lives have been saved by your warrior heart once you learned to empty it? -Joxer, what's up, bubba? -Danger, violence, blood.
No, that was the good version.
that antisocial way! King Whatsis, take us to Humungus.
We will bring him -A message of peace.
-A message of peace.
Joxer, we're in the middle of a scene.
Bad guy! No one takes my money and gets away with it! -You're coming with me! -Humungus Cleon That's right, Cleon.
If I can't get the secrets of defeating Xena at least I'll get her little friend.
Go away.
You're not even a good actress.
That was a little uncalled for.
Xena? Xena? What are you doing here? Gabrielle, I knew there'd be trouble when I saw the playbill.
It listed Zera as the contact.
She's the queen of cons.
The queen of cons? -What have you done to my play? -Your play? I put up the money! Where's the blood? The death? Where's all the fun? Get them! -Come on! -No time to talk.
It's time to act.
Somebody stop them! Interactive theater! Everybody join in! A centaur! Time to give the crowd what they want! Hey, pee-wee.
The play's not bad.
I just don't buy that Xena.
There's the opening of "Buffus, the bacchae-slayer" across the street.
Here's your money.
At least what Zera and Milo didn't spend.
You can keep it or, in the spirit of the play, you could donate it to an orphanage.
It's your call.
Orphanage.
Excellent choice.
As for you, Zera Xena I've seen the error of my ways.
Starting now I'm gonna find a legitimate career that best suits my natural abilities.
Dustinus! I've been watching you and I am impressed, darling.
Have you ever considered changing representation? I'm opening a new agency.
Very well.
But what I really want to do is direct.
It was stupid To think that people would want to hear about peace and love instead of sex and violence.
Well, peace might be boring, but it's all anybody really wants.
Yeah.
No one wants to be preached to.
They have to experience things for themselves.
Still, if I could have touched one person Gabrielle! I wanted to thank you! I never would have met Pollena if it wasn't for you! In fact, the two of you made me realize something deep down about myself that I guess I always knew but just didn't dare admit.
Yes I'm a thespian.
Congratulations.
You managed to touch someone.
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
I wanted to change violent people into people of peace, not actors.
That is what she said, right? Deep down she's a thespian -Yeah, that's what she said.
-Why? What'd you think? Thespian Doesn't it look like? Hello! You guys? Hey! I'm the producer! Anybody? Hello! I'm gonna tell my brother! Mommy!