Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e18 Episode Script
Audit
I know, right?
Nice dress. Where's that from?
This that new-new.
Too exclusive for you-you. [CHUCKLES]
And that's what I get for being nice.
Many have tried, Mel, but my swagger
cannot be jacked
- Oh, my God, Ava!
- No.
Twinsies!
- Oh, wow.
- [LAUGHS] I needed this.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, this is just too good.
We have to take a picture.
What You know, I told Gregory
when I tried this on,
I said, "Gregory," I said,
"this dress is so me."
But now I look at you, and it's so we.
Hear me when I say, we nothing.
Doctor Evil. Mini Me. Good morning.
JANINE: Good morning.
Alright, here we go.
Portrait mode, please.
OMG, this is so fun!
OMG, I'm inspired.
I'm gonna post it like one
of those tabloid magazines.
Oh, yeah, like "Who wore it better?"
Exactly. Okay. Ready?
AVA: Who wore what better?
How is that even possible?
I know, right? [CHUCKLES]
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Hey, I meant to ask.
[WHISPERING] Have my spellers
from Miles Nathaniel arrived yet?
Janine, I told you I'd
let you know when they get here
if I feel like it
and I don't decide to flip them
or throw them away to spite you.
And why are you whispering?
The spellers are the first thing
I've asked for from the golf course.
The ones we've been using
are ancient relics.
And I took the plunge.
I feel bad.
And dangerous.
Really excited. A little sweaty.
Good morning, pumpkin.
How are you on this fine day?
How can I help you?
I'm here to see my soror,
Principal Coleman.
Now, she's not expecting me.
But you drop the name Crystal
That should do it.
Go ahead and sign in on the
The new iPad.
[SCOFFS] Isn't that gorgeous?
Um, Crystal, what are you doing here?
Perhaps you want to have
this conversation in private.
Dia can hear whatever. She's low impact.
Well, if you insist.
You know,
at the district budget meeting,
I found it so interesting
that Abbott didn't need any of
the essentials that we needed.
Especially since
this place is usually so needy.
And you're telling me this
instead of your diary because?
I did some sniffing around,
and I know you're running
some kind of scam.
I want in.
How'd you find out
about the golf course?
[GASPS] You're using the golf course?
Ugh. What is happening with me?
Oh, I knew it.
Congratulations. You figured out
something I told you.
Let me in on this, Ava.
I already gave you some stuff, Crystal.
I don't want your scraps.
You didn't have a problem
with that in college.
Oh.
You know what? Fine.
Yeah, it is fine.
Bye, girl.
[NOTEBOOK CLATTERS] Oops.
I know the hell you
Jacob, sweetheart,
thank you so very much
for bringing my class in for breakfast.
Of course, Barbara.
Hey, think of me
as your shoulder to lean
You know, I finally
got to sleep last night.
My wrist was just killing me,
and then my alarm did not go off.
I mean, I plugged my phone in to charge,
but I guess it wasn't
plugged into the wall.
And then in the middle of
the night, the phone just died.
- Classic.
- Mm-hmm.
- Always wait for the buzz.
- Yeah.
- It's imperative that
- STUDENT: Mrs. Howard. Mrs. Howard.
Yes, sweetheart. Yes, baby.
[SNEEZES] Ooh!
Sorry. I had to sneeze,
and then I think I peed, I think.
Jacob, I'm gonna need your help
for just a few more minutes.
I need to go get some coffee
and pray that this day gets
a little bit better.
My shoulder is your shoulder.
- I would move
- Oh.
Damn, Barb. Did you just get here?
I plugged my phone in, and
Cool. So listen,
the music teacher,
Mrs. Davis, is retiring,
and she has like 40 more
vacation days to burn,
so she won't be back.
- And I was just thinking
- Ava, I have had
a very rough morning.
Well, I was just painting a
picture, but okay, sure, I'll rush.
I want to offer you the
unpaid position of music teacher
for the rest of the year.
You were the first person I thought of
after everyone else said no.
I already have a job
that keeps me very occupied.
Yeah, but I worked my magic,
and now music class
is an after school program.
Well.
Look, I know you've been busy,
but if you say no, the program's
probably gonna go away.
Understood.
I will think about it.
I thought about it.
I simply cannot do that.
I want the students
to have a music class,
but I am bogged down enough as it is.
[SHIVERS] Stay later. Do more.
With what? My tank is empty.
Which reminds me Coffee.
Big mug.
The kids will love it.
Hey.
We need to talk. It's important.
Mm. Well, they look awfully focused.
Oh, yeah. Well,
Jacob went on a date last night
with that Elijah from karaoke,
so they're trying
to figure out what to text him.
Yes. Okay. That's perfect.
No notes on my end.
And you're sure sending
a to-camera poem is too much?
I-I want him to know how I feel
and that my Android
doesn't send blurry videos.
- Positive.
- Positive.
Just send it.
Well, I sure hope you're right.
So, what'd you decide to go with?
"Good morning."
Uh-huh. [DOOR OPENS]
Tell them what you told me.
- The district
- Got tipped off
that something shady
is going down at Abbot.
BARBARA: Oh.
Keep going.
- They asked
- Him if he knew anything
because he does IT here.
Don't stop now.
They're coming to investigate tomorrow,
and we think that it was Crystal
who told them.
- Oh.
- That's a wrap on the grift.
Ooh, it was just a matter of time.
Well, we had a nice run.
All good cons must come to an end.
O-Okay, now wait just a dang-on minute.
My kids are really excited
about the spellers
the golf course was getting me.
Yeah, and Janine didn't
ask for anything all year.
That type of integrity
deserves one bribe.
Thank you. And they don't
have proof, right?
They're coming here to find it.
So now that we know
they're coming, we can prepare.
And what do you suggest we do?
This place is crawling with contraband.
I don't know, maybe we can
stay after school today
and hide all the stuff we've gotten.
And, you know, they come audit.
Nothing seems out of place.
And then we put all the stuff
back after they leave.
- Brilliant.
- I've heard worse plans.
- Yeah, I'm down.
- Oh, what the hell.
Why not. O'Shon?
Oh, uh, I was never here
and know nothing,
but if I was and I did,
I'd say, "Sounds good."
And I'd say, "Say less,"
but you already did.
Hot.
Here's the deal.
Melissa has a teamster
bringing a truck at 4:00.
We load up all the stuff
the golf course gave us.
When the district comes tomorrow,
we look like the broke school
we are in our hearts.
The computers, scoreboard,
it's gonna take all night.
No, if everyone helps, it'll be
like three, four hours tops.
Yeah, I'm sure Barbara
and Mr. Johnson are gonna be
a huge help loading dozens
of computers into a truck.
You think I'm too old to whoop your ass
- in front of your girl?
- Oh.
No, sir.
Pick up that mop.
Yes, sir.
- What?
- That's what I thought.
- I think you can stop now
- Shh, shh, shh.
I'm good.
MANNY: Welcome to Abbott Elementary.
You are heading here to administration,
where we will meet up
with Principal Coleman.
Oh, good morning. How can I help you?
Guys, this is Dia.
She runs this place
We'd like to speak
with Principal Coleman.
- Now.
- Please.
Of course. She's just
right in her office.
DIA: Let me
AVA: The district. [CHUCKLES]
What are y'all doing here so early?
i-in the day?
Y'all just work so hard.
Ava, I'm sorry. Unfortunately,
we're here on serious business.
We received a credible tip
that Abbott Elementary might be
receiving a high amount
of unsanctioned donations.
[LAUGHS]
But that would be
against district rules.
I know. I'm sure it's just
a big misunderstanding.
Regardless, we'll be doing a
thorough walk-through of the school.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Well, hate to see
your time wasted, but
I'm so happy that the district is here.
[DOORS OPENING]
Oh, my God. They're here?
Did she just say that the district is
Oh [BLEEP]
Everybody, the district.
The district, everybody.
You guys remember the famous
Janine when she worked with us.
She's got the best nickname,
but now is probably not the best time.
- Yeah.
- She would definitely know better
than to take any contraband.
[EXAGGERATED SCOFFING]
Contraband? [CHUCKLES] At Abbott?
We barely have pens.
You have pens?
I had to make notes
with my eyeliner this morning.
We're going into every classroom
- Bathroom, lunchroom
- Rec room
so we can do a proper investigation.
Well, just let us know how we can help.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
It'd probably be more efficient
to start on the third floor
in Morton's classroom, right?
Oh, talk about your dire straits.
- Materially, spiritually.
- Romantically.
It would be great if we could
focus on the task at hand.
- We're not here to judge.
- Well, you haven't met him yet.
- We're here to audit.
- With scrutiny.
Absolutely. Let's head there.
I'm actually excited to see
what the third floor looks like.
[LAUGHTER]
- Nice meeting you.
- Hi!
Our secret's safe with Morton
since he's not in on it.
He hasn't gotten a thing
from the golf course.
When they knock, he'll probably think
he's being served divorce
papers again and flee on foot.
No car, so
- BARBARA: Oh.
- JANINE: Okay, here's the plan.
As they work their way down,
we stay one step ahead of them.
We gather up everything
the golf course has given us
and hide whatever will fit
into Melissa's safe
or Mr. Johnson's closet.
But I have kindergartners to watch.
Right, okay, so you stay with them.
I'll have my class
double up with Janine's,
and we'll just rotate hiding duty.
- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll man the admin computers,
but just in case, youse guys
know Morse code, right?
JACOB: Mm Okay, you know what?
It's never been my best subject,
but I will take the gym.
And I'll go hide the white kid.
Anyone have bronzer?
- Hey.
- Oh, my.
Yay. Fun.
You know what's better than
one class, guys? A joint class.
You're gonna have so much fun
with Mr. Eddie.
Yes, 53 kids in one class.
So fun.
- Yes.
- Are you and Miss Teagues married?
- Please hurry.
- I will.
Stop having so much fun
with all the fancy, new equipment.
Yep, I will take that.
STUDENT: Watch out, Mr. C!
Ah!
Sorry.
[GRUNTS]
Aah, we need to get rid of the beanbags.
On it. This isn't my first raid.
Okay. Excuse me.
Hi. Sorry, sorry.
Um, hi. I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. You have to
I'm sorr You got to get up!
Hey, Wendall, you got anything
from the golf course in here?
Oh, damn.
When'd this state-of-the-art
stove come in?
Hey, we all got needs.
And I needs the kids
to try my cacio e pepe.
Oh, wow. You know, a lot of times
people add the Pecorino
too soon. Makes it gummy.
This is nice and creamy. Well done.
But we gotta hide the evidence.
Mr. Johnson, get rid of that.
Don't mind if I do. [CHUCKLES]
AVA: And here we have our cafeteria.
Nothing fancy. We do okay.
Our kids barely eat.
Huh. Smells good in here.
Too good, one might say.
I'll say it. It smells too good in here.
What gives?
Nuggets.
- Can we take a look back there?
- Yeah.
Not with those gators on.
Crocs-only kitchen.
Health code thing.
What do you think
we're hiding back there?
A Michelin-star chef?
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
How about I show you the rest of the
Yeah, uh, we'll circle back here.
We don't need a guided tour.
We'll just bop around.
- Oh, I'm happy
- THOMAS: Do our own thing.
That feels good. Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna need to take that.
It looks expensive.
You will do no such thing. It's mine.
Barbara, the district is gonna think
you got it from the golf course.
Well, that is preposterous.
My aching joints and I
need this hand massager now.
And might I emphasize, it's mine.
Do you have a receipt for it?
They e-mailed it to me, so no.
I'm so sorry, Barbara.
Hey. I'm sorry. Sorry.
You You JULIAN: Mrs. Howard,
Amelia drew a poop on my paper.
Oh. And I have to poop.
Hey, how's it going?
Okay, I've secured the computers
on the second and third floor.
Ava's taking the district
by the library,
so I have time to handle
this floor. We should be good.
They decided they'd lead their own tour,
which isn't a tour, but okay.
Okay. Oh, bad. Bad. Bad.
I notice you're wearing pants.
Funny enough, I'm wearing a pair, too.
Small world. Excuse me, sir.
MR. JOHNSON: Funny you should say that.
Did you know that the phrase
"excuse me" was invented by a janitor?
It was 1953, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania.
Actually, it's pronounced Beaver "Fulls"
as the sharp "A"
hadn't been popularized yet.
You know what? The origin
actually goes back way further.
You know, linguistically, we're talking.
And that's just part of the legend.
Think we're
we're gonna scooch in here.
Good job distracting them, Mr. Johnson.
Distracting who?
- Come on.
- JANINE: We got 'em all.
MELISSA: Okay, I got like five minutes
before one of my kids breaks something,
so what are we doing
with these bad boys?
'Cause my safe
and Mr. J's closet are full.
Yeah, 'cause maybe I'm biased,
but right outside the principal's office
is literally the worst place.
Guys, the best option is the basement.
The basement?
It's got suspicious activity
written all over it.
Then what are we supposed to do?
Mm, there is one place.
Look, I'm about to tell you something,
but you can't be mad at me or complain,
because I'm saving the day.
I have a secret bathroom
in the basement.
- Ava!
- What?
What did I just say?
Now, come on.
We gotta move the computers.
MELISSA: Right. Come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Close the door. Close the door.
[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF] Girl.
- RICK: Hey.
- JANINE: [GASPS] Hello.
What are you all doing down here?
Oh, just, uh, checking the rat traps.
Oh, yeah, they're empty,
but not for long.
JANINE: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it seems like
you've been through
the whole school, though.
Well, everything does look copacetic.
Oh, great. Looks like your job
is done here
Although we still have
two places left, your office
- And the gym.
- Be my guest.
Your hospitality's been
lights-out, though, Ava.
- I mean it. Amazing.
- Thank you, Manny.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Yeah. Alright.
Jacob! You got everything
out of the gym, right?
- Yep!
- Okay, great.
- Wait.
- Damn it.
The scoreboard.
[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, great. Something small.
You gotta start looking up, Jacob.
- Go, go, go.
- I know.
- Damn it.
- I know. I know.
Okay. How are we supposed
to get rid of a scoreboard?
I don't have a Persian rug this big.
Guys, we don't have time.
The district could be here any second.
We gotta We gotta just
make it disappear.
Damn it. I can't remember one
magic trick under this pressure.
- Okay, so I got this. Right?
- MELISSA: Yes.
Oh. Oh. And then Ooh, tall.
Yeah, just step back.
Why don't you let a pro do it?
Okay. Barb, Jacob, hold the ladder.
- Greg, spot me.
- BARBARA: Got it.
GREGORY: Got you.
JACOB: Hey, Barb, while I got you,
are you really taking over music class?
Hey, Jacob, while I got you,
why don't you mind your own beeswa
Ow! MELISSA: Ohh!
Father God, why hast thou forsaken me?!
Oh, my God, Barb.
This day could not get any worse!
Come down safely but quickly.
- Got it. There you go.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes. Good job, Melissa.
Yay! Okay, okay, okay.
Move the Move Move it away.
Barbara, are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
- What happened?
- You stepped on me.
- You stepped on her.
- AVA: And here we are
- I am so sorry.
our very bare gym.
See? Ready to move on?
And why is that still up?
It's neither 2009 Nor Christmas.
[CLEARS THROAT] Allow me.
You see, back in 2009,
we were in the midst
of a subprime mortgage crisis.
But actually, you contract that
crisis back to a single fish.
- No way.
- You know what? We're good.
- A fish?
- I said we're done.
Hmm.
See ya.
Okay, but respectfully,
I told you guys. I know Abbott.
They're always on the up and up.
Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone.
We felt we had a credible tip.
We will get out of your way now.
[CHUCKLES]
- Bye, you guys.
- Take care, now.
- Come back anytime.
- Bye-bye.
[DOOR OPENS] MILES: The
Abbott Supply Fairy has returned!
Coming in hot with some fresh bribes
for my number one scheming school.
Today's menu? These random spellers.
Pricier than I thought, but you
can't put a price on silence.
Oh, man. More teachers.
How much do these kids
need to learn? Jesus.
Uh, we're not teachers.
We're from the district.
Oh. Well, it's hard to tell.
You guys should carry yourselves
with more confidence.
So what, you guys gonna
start blackmailing me, too?
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, you're saying
that Abbott Elementary has been
blackmailing you for supplies?
Which part don't you get?
Which of you is responsible for this?
Yeah, any teacher found to be
taking bribes will be suspended.
None of the teachers
had anything to do with this.
It was all me.
Ava, you did this?
Yeah. So just go ahead
and give me my suspension,
and I'll I'll go to Cabo.
Are you sure it was only you?
Well
Please. [CHUCKLES]
Do any of them look like they
have the brains to pull this off?
In that case, Ava,
I really hate to do this,
but we have to relieve you
of your duties.
Yeah. For how long?
For good.
You're fired.
- What?
- Wait, you
You said it was just a suspension.
That's when we thought
that a teacher was responsible.
Teachers are annoyingly hard to fire,
thanks to your union.
However, principals?
It's a piece of cake.
Pack your things, Miss Coleman.
- This This isn't fair, okay?
- Yeah, you have to reconsider.
Ava doesn't deserve this.
She's done wonders for this place.
- And she loves our kids.
- MANNY: Guys, I'm sorry,
but the district has
a zero tolerance policy
when it comes to administrators.
The protocols are very clear on this.
Of course, we'll also be
confiscating all bribes,
wherever you've hidden them.
And every red penny we gave you
at the district budget meeting.
Cool. But, um, I can go, right?
Take that as a yes.
Stay golden, Dia.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna do what I always do.
I'm gonna put on my thinking cap,
and I am going to figure out
a way to solve this.
Think, damn it.
They've already e-mailed me
a letter of termination.
It's over.
I'll allow one tear.
Just wait till I'm not looking.
Alright, Dia.
Come on. Grab your stuff.
We out of here.
I don't work for you.
I work for the school.
You've said it before, but
sounds like you mean it this time.
Ava, I'm really sorry, but I think
you have to leave your badge.
Ava. Ava.
Ava, quite honestly, I thought this
would have happened much sooner.
I thought that you were too selfish
to really care about our students.
I thought that we would all be
so much better off without you.
But
now I see how wrong I've been.
Actually, I've been seeing it
for a long time.
Well, thank you.
And, Barb, I didn't ask you
to teach the music class
to make your job harder.
I just
I know you've been tired, and
sometimes doing something you love
is the kind of thing
that can reinvigorate educators.
Yeah.
And to make my job easier, but
Now I'm unemployed. [CHUCKLES SADLY]
Never too late to become a sugar baby.
Coleman out.
There are no guarantees
in this career, only challenges.
But the trick is to find a way
to deal with those pesky challenges.
I've watched Ava step
out of her comfort zone
into true leadership,
and I'm feeling I should follow her lead
by stepping outside of mine.
[INSTRUMENTS WHISTLING
AND BANGING CHAOTICALLY]
Mrs. Howard, are you filling in?
Actually, I'm
taking over permanently.
That's awesome. I thought I'd never get
to have you as a teacher again.
Oh.
[INSTRUMENTS CONTINUE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Style section, naturally.
Mm, just gonna take the whole thing.
Yeah.
[MR. JOHNSON HUMMING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]
What the hell?
Oh, yeah, the word got out.
But, you know, the hype's
gonna die down.
And once everyone forgets about it,
that's when I swoop in and call dibs.
That's how my sister
bagged her first husband.
No cuts, Tiny. You after me.
No, no, no. We agreed on spot savesiez.
He could go get a snack
as long as he got me my phone
from my classroom.
You're after me.
But you're not gonna wanna be!
Nice dress. Where's that from?
This that new-new.
Too exclusive for you-you. [CHUCKLES]
And that's what I get for being nice.
Many have tried, Mel, but my swagger
cannot be jacked
- Oh, my God, Ava!
- No.
Twinsies!
- Oh, wow.
- [LAUGHS] I needed this.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, this is just too good.
We have to take a picture.
What You know, I told Gregory
when I tried this on,
I said, "Gregory," I said,
"this dress is so me."
But now I look at you, and it's so we.
Hear me when I say, we nothing.
Doctor Evil. Mini Me. Good morning.
JANINE: Good morning.
Alright, here we go.
Portrait mode, please.
OMG, this is so fun!
OMG, I'm inspired.
I'm gonna post it like one
of those tabloid magazines.
Oh, yeah, like "Who wore it better?"
Exactly. Okay. Ready?
AVA: Who wore what better?
How is that even possible?
I know, right? [CHUCKLES]
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Hey, I meant to ask.
[WHISPERING] Have my spellers
from Miles Nathaniel arrived yet?
Janine, I told you I'd
let you know when they get here
if I feel like it
and I don't decide to flip them
or throw them away to spite you.
And why are you whispering?
The spellers are the first thing
I've asked for from the golf course.
The ones we've been using
are ancient relics.
And I took the plunge.
I feel bad.
And dangerous.
Really excited. A little sweaty.
Good morning, pumpkin.
How are you on this fine day?
How can I help you?
I'm here to see my soror,
Principal Coleman.
Now, she's not expecting me.
But you drop the name Crystal
That should do it.
Go ahead and sign in on the
The new iPad.
[SCOFFS] Isn't that gorgeous?
Um, Crystal, what are you doing here?
Perhaps you want to have
this conversation in private.
Dia can hear whatever. She's low impact.
Well, if you insist.
You know,
at the district budget meeting,
I found it so interesting
that Abbott didn't need any of
the essentials that we needed.
Especially since
this place is usually so needy.
And you're telling me this
instead of your diary because?
I did some sniffing around,
and I know you're running
some kind of scam.
I want in.
How'd you find out
about the golf course?
[GASPS] You're using the golf course?
Ugh. What is happening with me?
Oh, I knew it.
Congratulations. You figured out
something I told you.
Let me in on this, Ava.
I already gave you some stuff, Crystal.
I don't want your scraps.
You didn't have a problem
with that in college.
Oh.
You know what? Fine.
Yeah, it is fine.
Bye, girl.
[NOTEBOOK CLATTERS] Oops.
I know the hell you
Jacob, sweetheart,
thank you so very much
for bringing my class in for breakfast.
Of course, Barbara.
Hey, think of me
as your shoulder to lean
You know, I finally
got to sleep last night.
My wrist was just killing me,
and then my alarm did not go off.
I mean, I plugged my phone in to charge,
but I guess it wasn't
plugged into the wall.
And then in the middle of
the night, the phone just died.
- Classic.
- Mm-hmm.
- Always wait for the buzz.
- Yeah.
- It's imperative that
- STUDENT: Mrs. Howard. Mrs. Howard.
Yes, sweetheart. Yes, baby.
[SNEEZES] Ooh!
Sorry. I had to sneeze,
and then I think I peed, I think.
Jacob, I'm gonna need your help
for just a few more minutes.
I need to go get some coffee
and pray that this day gets
a little bit better.
My shoulder is your shoulder.
- I would move
- Oh.
Damn, Barb. Did you just get here?
I plugged my phone in, and
Cool. So listen,
the music teacher,
Mrs. Davis, is retiring,
and she has like 40 more
vacation days to burn,
so she won't be back.
- And I was just thinking
- Ava, I have had
a very rough morning.
Well, I was just painting a
picture, but okay, sure, I'll rush.
I want to offer you the
unpaid position of music teacher
for the rest of the year.
You were the first person I thought of
after everyone else said no.
I already have a job
that keeps me very occupied.
Yeah, but I worked my magic,
and now music class
is an after school program.
Well.
Look, I know you've been busy,
but if you say no, the program's
probably gonna go away.
Understood.
I will think about it.
I thought about it.
I simply cannot do that.
I want the students
to have a music class,
but I am bogged down enough as it is.
[SHIVERS] Stay later. Do more.
With what? My tank is empty.
Which reminds me Coffee.
Big mug.
The kids will love it.
Hey.
We need to talk. It's important.
Mm. Well, they look awfully focused.
Oh, yeah. Well,
Jacob went on a date last night
with that Elijah from karaoke,
so they're trying
to figure out what to text him.
Yes. Okay. That's perfect.
No notes on my end.
And you're sure sending
a to-camera poem is too much?
I-I want him to know how I feel
and that my Android
doesn't send blurry videos.
- Positive.
- Positive.
Just send it.
Well, I sure hope you're right.
So, what'd you decide to go with?
"Good morning."
Uh-huh. [DOOR OPENS]
Tell them what you told me.
- The district
- Got tipped off
that something shady
is going down at Abbot.
BARBARA: Oh.
Keep going.
- They asked
- Him if he knew anything
because he does IT here.
Don't stop now.
They're coming to investigate tomorrow,
and we think that it was Crystal
who told them.
- Oh.
- That's a wrap on the grift.
Ooh, it was just a matter of time.
Well, we had a nice run.
All good cons must come to an end.
O-Okay, now wait just a dang-on minute.
My kids are really excited
about the spellers
the golf course was getting me.
Yeah, and Janine didn't
ask for anything all year.
That type of integrity
deserves one bribe.
Thank you. And they don't
have proof, right?
They're coming here to find it.
So now that we know
they're coming, we can prepare.
And what do you suggest we do?
This place is crawling with contraband.
I don't know, maybe we can
stay after school today
and hide all the stuff we've gotten.
And, you know, they come audit.
Nothing seems out of place.
And then we put all the stuff
back after they leave.
- Brilliant.
- I've heard worse plans.
- Yeah, I'm down.
- Oh, what the hell.
Why not. O'Shon?
Oh, uh, I was never here
and know nothing,
but if I was and I did,
I'd say, "Sounds good."
And I'd say, "Say less,"
but you already did.
Hot.
Here's the deal.
Melissa has a teamster
bringing a truck at 4:00.
We load up all the stuff
the golf course gave us.
When the district comes tomorrow,
we look like the broke school
we are in our hearts.
The computers, scoreboard,
it's gonna take all night.
No, if everyone helps, it'll be
like three, four hours tops.
Yeah, I'm sure Barbara
and Mr. Johnson are gonna be
a huge help loading dozens
of computers into a truck.
You think I'm too old to whoop your ass
- in front of your girl?
- Oh.
No, sir.
Pick up that mop.
Yes, sir.
- What?
- That's what I thought.
- I think you can stop now
- Shh, shh, shh.
I'm good.
MANNY: Welcome to Abbott Elementary.
You are heading here to administration,
where we will meet up
with Principal Coleman.
Oh, good morning. How can I help you?
Guys, this is Dia.
She runs this place
We'd like to speak
with Principal Coleman.
- Now.
- Please.
Of course. She's just
right in her office.
DIA: Let me
AVA: The district. [CHUCKLES]
What are y'all doing here so early?
i-in the day?
Y'all just work so hard.
Ava, I'm sorry. Unfortunately,
we're here on serious business.
We received a credible tip
that Abbott Elementary might be
receiving a high amount
of unsanctioned donations.
[LAUGHS]
But that would be
against district rules.
I know. I'm sure it's just
a big misunderstanding.
Regardless, we'll be doing a
thorough walk-through of the school.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Well, hate to see
your time wasted, but
I'm so happy that the district is here.
[DOORS OPENING]
Oh, my God. They're here?
Did she just say that the district is
Oh [BLEEP]
Everybody, the district.
The district, everybody.
You guys remember the famous
Janine when she worked with us.
She's got the best nickname,
but now is probably not the best time.
- Yeah.
- She would definitely know better
than to take any contraband.
[EXAGGERATED SCOFFING]
Contraband? [CHUCKLES] At Abbott?
We barely have pens.
You have pens?
I had to make notes
with my eyeliner this morning.
We're going into every classroom
- Bathroom, lunchroom
- Rec room
so we can do a proper investigation.
Well, just let us know how we can help.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
It'd probably be more efficient
to start on the third floor
in Morton's classroom, right?
Oh, talk about your dire straits.
- Materially, spiritually.
- Romantically.
It would be great if we could
focus on the task at hand.
- We're not here to judge.
- Well, you haven't met him yet.
- We're here to audit.
- With scrutiny.
Absolutely. Let's head there.
I'm actually excited to see
what the third floor looks like.
[LAUGHTER]
- Nice meeting you.
- Hi!
Our secret's safe with Morton
since he's not in on it.
He hasn't gotten a thing
from the golf course.
When they knock, he'll probably think
he's being served divorce
papers again and flee on foot.
No car, so
- BARBARA: Oh.
- JANINE: Okay, here's the plan.
As they work their way down,
we stay one step ahead of them.
We gather up everything
the golf course has given us
and hide whatever will fit
into Melissa's safe
or Mr. Johnson's closet.
But I have kindergartners to watch.
Right, okay, so you stay with them.
I'll have my class
double up with Janine's,
and we'll just rotate hiding duty.
- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll man the admin computers,
but just in case, youse guys
know Morse code, right?
JACOB: Mm Okay, you know what?
It's never been my best subject,
but I will take the gym.
And I'll go hide the white kid.
Anyone have bronzer?
- Hey.
- Oh, my.
Yay. Fun.
You know what's better than
one class, guys? A joint class.
You're gonna have so much fun
with Mr. Eddie.
Yes, 53 kids in one class.
So fun.
- Yes.
- Are you and Miss Teagues married?
- Please hurry.
- I will.
Stop having so much fun
with all the fancy, new equipment.
Yep, I will take that.
STUDENT: Watch out, Mr. C!
Ah!
Sorry.
[GRUNTS]
Aah, we need to get rid of the beanbags.
On it. This isn't my first raid.
Okay. Excuse me.
Hi. Sorry, sorry.
Um, hi. I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. You have to
I'm sorr You got to get up!
Hey, Wendall, you got anything
from the golf course in here?
Oh, damn.
When'd this state-of-the-art
stove come in?
Hey, we all got needs.
And I needs the kids
to try my cacio e pepe.
Oh, wow. You know, a lot of times
people add the Pecorino
too soon. Makes it gummy.
This is nice and creamy. Well done.
But we gotta hide the evidence.
Mr. Johnson, get rid of that.
Don't mind if I do. [CHUCKLES]
AVA: And here we have our cafeteria.
Nothing fancy. We do okay.
Our kids barely eat.
Huh. Smells good in here.
Too good, one might say.
I'll say it. It smells too good in here.
What gives?
Nuggets.
- Can we take a look back there?
- Yeah.
Not with those gators on.
Crocs-only kitchen.
Health code thing.
What do you think
we're hiding back there?
A Michelin-star chef?
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
How about I show you the rest of the
Yeah, uh, we'll circle back here.
We don't need a guided tour.
We'll just bop around.
- Oh, I'm happy
- THOMAS: Do our own thing.
That feels good. Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna need to take that.
It looks expensive.
You will do no such thing. It's mine.
Barbara, the district is gonna think
you got it from the golf course.
Well, that is preposterous.
My aching joints and I
need this hand massager now.
And might I emphasize, it's mine.
Do you have a receipt for it?
They e-mailed it to me, so no.
I'm so sorry, Barbara.
Hey. I'm sorry. Sorry.
You You JULIAN: Mrs. Howard,
Amelia drew a poop on my paper.
Oh. And I have to poop.
Hey, how's it going?
Okay, I've secured the computers
on the second and third floor.
Ava's taking the district
by the library,
so I have time to handle
this floor. We should be good.
They decided they'd lead their own tour,
which isn't a tour, but okay.
Okay. Oh, bad. Bad. Bad.
I notice you're wearing pants.
Funny enough, I'm wearing a pair, too.
Small world. Excuse me, sir.
MR. JOHNSON: Funny you should say that.
Did you know that the phrase
"excuse me" was invented by a janitor?
It was 1953, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania.
Actually, it's pronounced Beaver "Fulls"
as the sharp "A"
hadn't been popularized yet.
You know what? The origin
actually goes back way further.
You know, linguistically, we're talking.
And that's just part of the legend.
Think we're
we're gonna scooch in here.
Good job distracting them, Mr. Johnson.
Distracting who?
- Come on.
- JANINE: We got 'em all.
MELISSA: Okay, I got like five minutes
before one of my kids breaks something,
so what are we doing
with these bad boys?
'Cause my safe
and Mr. J's closet are full.
Yeah, 'cause maybe I'm biased,
but right outside the principal's office
is literally the worst place.
Guys, the best option is the basement.
The basement?
It's got suspicious activity
written all over it.
Then what are we supposed to do?
Mm, there is one place.
Look, I'm about to tell you something,
but you can't be mad at me or complain,
because I'm saving the day.
I have a secret bathroom
in the basement.
- Ava!
- What?
What did I just say?
Now, come on.
We gotta move the computers.
MELISSA: Right. Come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Close the door. Close the door.
[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF] Girl.
- RICK: Hey.
- JANINE: [GASPS] Hello.
What are you all doing down here?
Oh, just, uh, checking the rat traps.
Oh, yeah, they're empty,
but not for long.
JANINE: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it seems like
you've been through
the whole school, though.
Well, everything does look copacetic.
Oh, great. Looks like your job
is done here
Although we still have
two places left, your office
- And the gym.
- Be my guest.
Your hospitality's been
lights-out, though, Ava.
- I mean it. Amazing.
- Thank you, Manny.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Yeah. Alright.
Jacob! You got everything
out of the gym, right?
- Yep!
- Okay, great.
- Wait.
- Damn it.
The scoreboard.
[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, great. Something small.
You gotta start looking up, Jacob.
- Go, go, go.
- I know.
- Damn it.
- I know. I know.
Okay. How are we supposed
to get rid of a scoreboard?
I don't have a Persian rug this big.
Guys, we don't have time.
The district could be here any second.
We gotta We gotta just
make it disappear.
Damn it. I can't remember one
magic trick under this pressure.
- Okay, so I got this. Right?
- MELISSA: Yes.
Oh. Oh. And then Ooh, tall.
Yeah, just step back.
Why don't you let a pro do it?
Okay. Barb, Jacob, hold the ladder.
- Greg, spot me.
- BARBARA: Got it.
GREGORY: Got you.
JACOB: Hey, Barb, while I got you,
are you really taking over music class?
Hey, Jacob, while I got you,
why don't you mind your own beeswa
Ow! MELISSA: Ohh!
Father God, why hast thou forsaken me?!
Oh, my God, Barb.
This day could not get any worse!
Come down safely but quickly.
- Got it. There you go.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes. Good job, Melissa.
Yay! Okay, okay, okay.
Move the Move Move it away.
Barbara, are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
- What happened?
- You stepped on me.
- You stepped on her.
- AVA: And here we are
- I am so sorry.
our very bare gym.
See? Ready to move on?
And why is that still up?
It's neither 2009 Nor Christmas.
[CLEARS THROAT] Allow me.
You see, back in 2009,
we were in the midst
of a subprime mortgage crisis.
But actually, you contract that
crisis back to a single fish.
- No way.
- You know what? We're good.
- A fish?
- I said we're done.
Hmm.
See ya.
Okay, but respectfully,
I told you guys. I know Abbott.
They're always on the up and up.
Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone.
We felt we had a credible tip.
We will get out of your way now.
[CHUCKLES]
- Bye, you guys.
- Take care, now.
- Come back anytime.
- Bye-bye.
[DOOR OPENS] MILES: The
Abbott Supply Fairy has returned!
Coming in hot with some fresh bribes
for my number one scheming school.
Today's menu? These random spellers.
Pricier than I thought, but you
can't put a price on silence.
Oh, man. More teachers.
How much do these kids
need to learn? Jesus.
Uh, we're not teachers.
We're from the district.
Oh. Well, it's hard to tell.
You guys should carry yourselves
with more confidence.
So what, you guys gonna
start blackmailing me, too?
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, you're saying
that Abbott Elementary has been
blackmailing you for supplies?
Which part don't you get?
Which of you is responsible for this?
Yeah, any teacher found to be
taking bribes will be suspended.
None of the teachers
had anything to do with this.
It was all me.
Ava, you did this?
Yeah. So just go ahead
and give me my suspension,
and I'll I'll go to Cabo.
Are you sure it was only you?
Well
Please. [CHUCKLES]
Do any of them look like they
have the brains to pull this off?
In that case, Ava,
I really hate to do this,
but we have to relieve you
of your duties.
Yeah. For how long?
For good.
You're fired.
- What?
- Wait, you
You said it was just a suspension.
That's when we thought
that a teacher was responsible.
Teachers are annoyingly hard to fire,
thanks to your union.
However, principals?
It's a piece of cake.
Pack your things, Miss Coleman.
- This This isn't fair, okay?
- Yeah, you have to reconsider.
Ava doesn't deserve this.
She's done wonders for this place.
- And she loves our kids.
- MANNY: Guys, I'm sorry,
but the district has
a zero tolerance policy
when it comes to administrators.
The protocols are very clear on this.
Of course, we'll also be
confiscating all bribes,
wherever you've hidden them.
And every red penny we gave you
at the district budget meeting.
Cool. But, um, I can go, right?
Take that as a yes.
Stay golden, Dia.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna do what I always do.
I'm gonna put on my thinking cap,
and I am going to figure out
a way to solve this.
Think, damn it.
They've already e-mailed me
a letter of termination.
It's over.
I'll allow one tear.
Just wait till I'm not looking.
Alright, Dia.
Come on. Grab your stuff.
We out of here.
I don't work for you.
I work for the school.
You've said it before, but
sounds like you mean it this time.
Ava, I'm really sorry, but I think
you have to leave your badge.
Ava. Ava.
Ava, quite honestly, I thought this
would have happened much sooner.
I thought that you were too selfish
to really care about our students.
I thought that we would all be
so much better off without you.
But
now I see how wrong I've been.
Actually, I've been seeing it
for a long time.
Well, thank you.
And, Barb, I didn't ask you
to teach the music class
to make your job harder.
I just
I know you've been tired, and
sometimes doing something you love
is the kind of thing
that can reinvigorate educators.
Yeah.
And to make my job easier, but
Now I'm unemployed. [CHUCKLES SADLY]
Never too late to become a sugar baby.
Coleman out.
There are no guarantees
in this career, only challenges.
But the trick is to find a way
to deal with those pesky challenges.
I've watched Ava step
out of her comfort zone
into true leadership,
and I'm feeling I should follow her lead
by stepping outside of mine.
[INSTRUMENTS WHISTLING
AND BANGING CHAOTICALLY]
Mrs. Howard, are you filling in?
Actually, I'm
taking over permanently.
That's awesome. I thought I'd never get
to have you as a teacher again.
Oh.
[INSTRUMENTS CONTINUE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Style section, naturally.
Mm, just gonna take the whole thing.
Yeah.
[MR. JOHNSON HUMMING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]
What the hell?
Oh, yeah, the word got out.
But, you know, the hype's
gonna die down.
And once everyone forgets about it,
that's when I swoop in and call dibs.
That's how my sister
bagged her first husband.
No cuts, Tiny. You after me.
No, no, no. We agreed on spot savesiez.
He could go get a snack
as long as he got me my phone
from my classroom.
You're after me.
But you're not gonna wanna be!