All In The Family s04e18 Episode Script
Et Tu, Archie?
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Edith? Edith? Oh, look at this.
Nearly 6:00 and nothing on the table yet.
Edith? Edith! Hello, Archie.
Hold it.
Don't make me spill nothing now.
Where were you? Upstairs.
What was you doing up there? Oh, well, we ain't got no bathroom down here.
That ain't no excuse.
You know we're having special company tonight.
Oh, I know.
But you told me you invited Joe Tucker for 6:30.
Yeah, but he's one of them guys that always comes half an hour early.
When he was working with us down the plant we used to call him an eager bleeder.
There we are.
Look at that there, Edith.
Not a drop spilt.
You could never do that, huh? Well, what are you doing? I'm performing what you call a whiskey transplant.
I'm pouring this cheap Heathcliff Scotch into a bottle of Haig Pinch pint of Scotch, see that? Because that's Joe Tucker's favorite Scotch.
I always like to do right by my guests.
But won't he taste the difference? Nah! All Scotch tastes the same.
It all tastes like iodine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Get something on the table, huh? Hurry up.
Oh, yeah.
Right away.
Yeah.
All right.
It's the first time in history a person ever got run down by a tapeworm.
Look at the way you're dressed.
Can't you do something a little better than that with Joe Tucker coming to dinner? What's so special about Joe Tucker? I'll tell you what's special about Joe Tucker.
You're a slob.
Joe Tucker happens to be my best friend that I ain't seen for 18 years.
How can he be your best friend if you haven't seen him for 18 years? Aaah! Go away.
What the hell do you know about friendship? Joe Tucker and me used to work together down at the plant and we were close, buddy.
We were as close as, what do you call, Damon and Runyon.
Joe Tucker was the guy that taught me how to be foreman so I could take over the job after him.
He learned me all the fine points about loading and lifting.
What's there to know? Don't be a wise guy.
There's a lot to know.
Wise guys like you that think there ain't much to know about lifting are walking around today wearing a dress.
Get away from me, huh? Just get away from me.
Come on, Edith.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Get some snicks and snacks around the joint, huh? I don't understand, Archie.
If Joe was so good down at the job, how come he's not working there anymore? Because Joe Tucker was cut out for better things.
He got himself a big job in a plant up in Rochester, New York.
He's a big shot up there.
But he ain't too big to come and have dinner with one of his old pals.
What is that, the latest in dinner wear? It's a little accident I had down at work, a word that's foreign to you.
Here you are.
Here's some dip.
All right.
Archie, look at your sleeve! It's all ripped.
I know that.
I had a little accident down at work.
That's all.
I'm carrying a crate of machine parts and I drop them down.
When I went to pick them up, I caught my shirt on a nail.
The worst part was Prendergast, the big boss, come by and seen me.
You should have heard him laying into me.
I gotta change my shirt.
Get away from them snick-snacks.
Hi! EDITH: Hello, Gloria.
Hurry up.
Take your coat off.
Joe Tucker will be here any minute and Archie always says that he gets here half an hour early.
What time's he supposed to be here? Oh! It's five after 6.
He's late.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
No, he's here! Edith! Joe! How are you? It's so good to see you again.
Oh, you too, Joe.
Come on in.
You remember Gloria? Well, sure, I remember Gloria.
Where is she? That one is Gloria, right there.
No, that ain't Gloria.
Gloria's a cute, little fat kid about so high.
That's Gloria, grown up.
JOE: I don't believe it.
Well, there's only one way to prove it.
The Gloria I knew always used to like these.
Chocolate licorice! Oh! Oh, that's my Gloria.
Come on.
Give your Uncle Tuck a big hug! Uncle Tuck, it's so good to see you.
You don't know my husband, Michael.
Oh, hello, Michael.
It's a great pleasure.
Come on, Joe.
Sit down.
Oh, it's so nice to have you-- ARCHIE: Did I hear Joe Tucker down here? My old friend Joe Tucker, is he here? What do you know, Joe boy? Hi there, Joe! Will you get out of the way! Archie! Oh! Hello, Arch.
[SHOUTING.]
Hey, Archie! Oh, jeez.
Oh, I got you, Arch.
That's two for flinching.
Yeah.
Aagh! Aagh! We always used to do that.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Archie.
You really haven't changed a bit.
Except maybe you're eating a little bit better.
Oh, jeez.
Otherwise you still look like the same old Meathead.
[CHUCKLES.]
How about some snick-snacks here, Joe? Serve him something, will you? No, no, no.
Wait a second.
Wait a second, there.
What did you just call him? Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Meathead.
Oh! The boys down at the plant hung that on Arch first day on the job.
Right, Meathead? Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah.
Nobody wants to hear all them old stories, Joe.
I wanna hear those old stories.
Why did all you guys call him Meathead? Well, you know.
You know, Arch was a little nervous the first day on the job.
So he picks up this big crate of machine parts.
Next thing you know, bang, he drops the machine parts like a meathead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seems like it was just yesterday, huh? Today too.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
What was that, Edith? Nothing.
She didn't say nothing.
Nothing.
What are you laughing about? Ain't you got nothing to do? Get outta here! Oh, I'm sorry.
I gotta go wash up.
I'll be back later.
Meathead.
Get away from me! [ARCHIE MIMICS LAUGHING.]
Get something around the table, will you? All right.
[GLORIA CACKLES.]
Hey, take your daughter with you, here! [CACKLING.]
Meathead.
Party pooper.
Come on, Joe.
Come on.
Sit down.
Here's the best chair in the house, my chair.
Sit right down there.
Boy, how you doing all these years up in Rochester? I'll bet you're right up to plant supervisor by now, huh? Well, I was plant supervisor.
Yeah.
Oh! Hey! Vice-president now, huh? Well-- Ah! Hey! Let's have a little drink on that.
Hey, Edith, bring out the bowl of the ice cubes there, will ya? Archie, wait a minute-- Hey, hey, hey.
No trouble at all.
Look what I got for you here.
Haig & Haig Pinch, your favorite.
Huh? Oh, I haven't seen that in a long time.
I'd hate to tell you what I've been drinking.
Yeah, yeah.
No, kidding.
What have you been drinking? Some rotgut called Heathcliff Special.
Here you are.
Here's the ice.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, Edith.
I asked you for ice cubes, you bring me an iceberg here.
Arch, Arch, it's no problem.
I'll drink it straight.
Yeah, we'll drink it straight.
Here.
Go on, take it away, huh? What do you want me to do with it? Take it out to the kitchen and wait for the Titanic to come sailing by.
Joe, Joe, Joe, down the hatch, huh? Right, Arch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah! Hey, hey.
That's pretty good Scotch whiskey, huh? I don't know, Arch.
I think you're wasting this on me.
I've been drinking that rotgut for so long, I can't tell the difference between this and Heathcliff Special.
Gee, I can hardly believe that, Joe.
I mean, uh-- A guy like you, a big shot, how come you gotta drink that rummy booze? Oh, Arch, I'm no big shot.
I'm nothing.
To tell you the truth, I'm out of work.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You, out of work? You know what's happened to a lot of companies because of this energy crisis.
They're cutting back all over the country.
I got laid off six months ago.
Jeez.
Six months you're out of work? Yeah.
For a long time I was getting up at 6 in the morning, walking around all day trying to get work.
But nobody wanted me.
After three months of that, I just gave up, stayed in bed all day.
Oh, gee, Joe, if I was out of work six months, I think I'd go bananas.
What's the matter there? You ain't crying, are you? No, no.
I'm okay.
Dr.
Lieberman says it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, uh, who's Dr.
Lieberman? He's the psychiatrist I went to see.
Wow, Joe, did you go nuts? No, Arch.
Well, why did you go to a nut doctor? I went to him for help and he gave it to me.
What did he do, loan you money? No, Arch.
He got me to believe in myself again.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But, Joe, listen.
I mean, that's not the kind of thing you want to get around.
You know, that could hurt you.
Don't let that out outside of here.
Arch, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here today.
He gave me the strength to come back to my old stomping grounds, look up my old friends.
Oh, you mean like me, huh? Yeah, yeah, like you, like Steve Prendergast.
Ste-- Steve Prendergast? You mean my boss down at work? Yeah.
I finally got the guts to call him and find out whether maybe I can get back in the old plant again.
You know, Prendergast and me, we were pretty good buddies.
Oh, yes.
Jeez, he never says nothing to me, but he always talked to you.
He used to like you.
Yeah.
Well, he told me to go down and see the personnel manager.
There's a spot opening up.
Funny.
I didn't hear of no spot opening up.
Oh, well, I'm sure it's not much, Arch.
But whatever they give, I'm gonna take.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
But, well, you would never wanna go back to the old loading dock no more.
Who wouldn't? Anything they offer, I'll grab.
I've been out of work too long to be proud.
Dinner! Michael, dinner! Come on, Arch.
I'm starving.
Joe, you're gonna sit right here.
You're the guest of honor.
Archie's chair.
That's at the head of the table.
Archie, you don't mind if Joe takes your place, do you? Jeez, it looks like I ain't gonna have much choice.
Joe.
And you think that's funny.
You should have seen the gag that Archie pulled on old Fatso Miller.
Remember that, Arch? Yeah, no, I don't remember none of them things now.
You ought to.
It was your idea.
Oh, yeah.
But people don't wanna hear them stories, Joe.
I do, Arch.
I'd like to hear about the time you had an idea.
Why don't you go and make a long-distance phone call from the other end.
Oh, Archie, that reminds me.
Before you got home, you got a phone call.
I got a phone call? Edith, why don't you write them things down so you remember them, huh? Oh, I remembered to write it down.
Oh, I just forgot.
I put it in my pocket.
Ah.
Hey.
Uh, Edith, uh I gotta talk to you now.
Well, go ahead.
No.
Out in the kitchen.
Oh.
Excuse us, please.
Yeah.
Excuse us, please, huh? We're just going in the kitchen over here.
Get in there! What is it? Look at this here.
Jim Sanders.
You know who that is? Yeah.
He's the personnel manager down at the plant.
That's right.
He's in charge of hiring and firing.
And being as how I'm already hired, what does that leave? Firing.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, Archie, they wouldn't fire you, not after all these years.
What do you know about it, Edith? I'm down there every day.
There's a lot of funny things happened lately.
Like what? Well, like, for instance, yesterday the big boss, Prendergast, come by there.
He don't even say hello to me.
But you said he never says hello to you.
That's right, and he done it again.
Oh, Archie, I think you're getting all worked up over nothing.
Edith, Edith, this guy out here, Joe Tucker, is the best loading dock foreman they ever had.
Prendergast knows that.
Don't you see what I'm saying? Tucker's after my job.
Oh, Archie, Joe wouldn't do that.
He's such a nice man.
"A nice man.
" Edith, in an energy crisis, there ain't no such thing as a nice man.
Oh, Archie, Joe wouldn't do nothing bad to you.
He's your best friend.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! And Benedict Arnold was George Washington's best friend.
You know what happened there.
What? Oh, Edith, Benedict was after George's job.
And George got wise to him.
I never heard that.
Why, certainly.
It's the truth.
Otherwise, if it wasn't, on Washington's birthday, we'd be eating eggs Benedict instead of cherry pie.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Come in.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
Sanders.
Yes.
Come in, Bunker.
Yeah.
Close the door, please.
Oh, yeah.
The door, yeah.
There it is, Mr.
Sanders, closed, just the way you like it.
All right.
Have a seat.
Uh, well, I don't wanna sit, Mr.
Sanders, because, you know, being a loading dock foreman, I never sit.
Mine ain't a sitting job, you know, like this.
Well, no, no.
Nothing wrong with your job.
It's a sitting job because it's a thinking job.
My job ain't got nothing to do with thinking and I'm very good at it.
I'm, uh, sure you are.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Now, Bunker-- Hey, this isn't gonna keep me away too long from the men, is it, Mr.
Sanders? Because my men don't like that.
They fall apart when I ain't there.
Just sit down, Bunker.
This will only take a few minutes.
Yeah.
Like yesterday, I was away.
You know, my one little two-minute break of the day.
I went to the toilet.
Then I come back and there's a crate of machine parts there on the dock, fell down.
Well, I had to take responsibility there, you know? The top man always has to do that.
Take, for instance, Richard E.
Nixon.
Same thing with him.
He's got a bunch of jerks working under him, screwing everything up.
But he's the top man.
He's gotta take responsibility, right? Look, uh, Bunker, I wanted to talk to you about Joe Tucker.
You see, he's applied for a job with us and Mr.
Prendergast is very fond of Joe Tucker.
He wanted me to hire him immediately.
Oh, he did, huh? But, uh, first I'd like to do a little checking.
So, uh, tell me now, what do you know about Joe Tucker? Oh, well, uh uh, well, he used to be a great worker years ago.
Of course, I ain't seen him lift nothing lately.
Well, uh, how long has it been since you worked with him? Oh, gee, about, uh, ooh, 18 years, maybe.
I was only a kid then.
Uh, gee, that'd make Joe, what, about 59, 60.
Jeez, he looked a lot older than that when I seen him last night.
He did? Well, there's nothing to that because he's been worrying, see? That's why he looked that way.
Uh, he's been out of work for six months.
But that ain't his fault, neither.
It's just that nobody wanted to hire him.
Well, when you saw him last night, did he, uh, seem depressed? No, no, no! He was very happy.
He was happy to see me.
He was so happy, he cried.
You mean he really cried? Oh, yeah.
The wet eyes, the handkerchief, the whole thing.
Just like he done the last time.
You mean you've seen him cry before? Oh, yeah.
The time he went up to take that job at Rochester.
Oh, I see.
Well, then, actually you have only seen him cry twice.
Yeah, that's right.
Like going and coming.
But I don't know what he was doing in-between times.
Well, don't write that down, Mr.
Sanders, see.
Just because a guy's crying, that don't mean he's a nut.
Ask any psychiatrist.
Yeah, don't write that down because, uh, listen, uh, sometimes, I even cry myself.
Oh! Don't write that down.
Well, I mean, just when do you cry, Bunker? Well, like, uhuh, for instance, uh-- Well, like on a religious occasion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like when I was watching Tricia's Wedding on TV.
Mike, Gloria, ain't it wonderful? It's 5:30 and Archie ain't home yet.
What's wonderful about that? Well, don't you see? The later Archie is, the less fired he is.
EDITH: Archie! Hello! You're home! Gee, what a lucky guess, Edith.
Gee, Daddy, what happened with Mr.
Sanders? All right, all right.
I'll tell youse everything.
Just let your mother go and get me a can of beer, huh? Oh, well, promise you won't start telling before I get back.
All right.
All right.
Get the beer, huh? Get the beer.
And will you-- Get out of my chair.
Yeah.
Get out of the chair.
Did you start telling yet? Well, let me sit down.
I ain't even sat down yet.
Daddy, can't you see how worried Ma is? Tell us.
What did Mr.
Sanders want? Ah, nothing, nothing.
He just wanted to ask me some questions about Joe Tucker.
Oh, is that all? What do you mean "Is that all?" I had to go in and talk about Tucker there.
I had to give him a character referential.
What did you tell them about Joe? Oh, gave him a big buildup.
Said he was a great worker Arch, that's damning him with faint praise.
Hey, I never once cursed the man.
What Michael's saying is that's not a very good recommendation.
Oh, yeah? Well, what would Michael like me to tell them? Well, tell them what you always tell us.
That he's a great guy.
Hey, what do you want me to do, strike myself out, huh? The guy's out after my job.
What I should have done was tell that personnel manager the truth.
I've got a good mind to go back tomorrow morning and tell him the truth.
Oh, and what's the truth? The truth, little girl, is that Joe Tucker's been going to see a psychiatrist.
So what? Will you wake up and live? This is the good old USA where personnel managers in this country, they don't like head-shrinkers or people who get shrinked.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
And if you tell Sanders that, they'll never hire Joe.
Arch, he's your best friend.
What do you wanna do that for? To save my job, stupid! That's a dog-eat-dog world out there.
Don't you know what it is out there? It's survival of the fattest.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
No.
No.
You get dinner on the table.
I'll get that.
You, get away from me.
Archie! Oh, hi, Joe.
I got the job! What, you got the job? What do you mean, Joe? The job on the loading platform? No.
Better than that.
And I got you to thank for it.
What? How did you get Sanders to ask me if I went to see a psychiatrist? Because he asked me and I said yeah.
You said yeah? Yeah.
He thinks psychiatrists are great.
See, it turns out that his wife went to an analyst and it did wonders for her.
That's how I got the job.
You got a job out of his wife being a loony? No, Arch.
Because she got well.
Hey, take a look at your new boss.
I'm the new dispatcher.
[SQUEALS.]
That's great! Great! Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey, Edith.
Hey, Edith.
Come here, Edith.
We've got some great news for you.
What is it? Oh, hello, Joe.
Wait a minute.
EdithEdith, not just Joe.
Yeah? Show a little respect.
You're talking to the new dispatcher down at work.
Oh! Hello, Mr.
Tucker.
Oh, congratulations, Joe.
I'll set another place at the table.
No, no, no, no.
Don't bother.
I'm gonna take you people down and find you the best meal I can find in New York.
Oh! Oh! Hey, Mike, Gloria, you're coming along too.
Let's go.
Oh, whoop-dee-doo! Joe, that's gonna be fun.
Oh, my-- Archie, what'll I do about my dinner? Same as you usually do.
Burn it.
Come on.
Come on, Edith.
Don't waste time.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Jeez, that's swell.
I'm glad to hear that, Joe.
Hey, we'll be working together again.
Hey, just like old times.
Well, not exactly, Arch.
You see, you went out on a limb for me.
I'm gonna make this job work.
Oh! You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, you mean with you the dispatcher, the rest of us kind of coast a little, huh? Are you kidding? I'm gonna be the best dispatcher they ever saw.
No more wasting time, no more loafing, no more kidding around.
No kidding around, huh? That's right.
You better be on your toes, buddy.
Because it's gonna be go, go, go, all the time, you know? Yeah, I know that.
Go, go, go.
Yeah.
And we're gonna trim this pot down in no time.
Oh, jeez.
Hey, Arch.
Yeah? Aaagh! Oh, jeez.
Oh, got you again, Bunker.
That's two for flinching.
Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh, Joe.
Hey, Archie! Aaagh! No.
No more, Joe.
I've got to give you two for flinching, all right? Oh, yeah.
Easy.
Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh! Oh! Oh! We're gonna have so much fun.
So much fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fun, Joe.
Fun.
Hello, Archie.
[GROWLS.]
Oh, what's the matter? Oh, Edith, what a day! Aw.
Prendergast, the big boss, comes out this morning on the loading dock.
He says, "Good morning, Archie.
" Well, what's wrong with that? That's wonderful.
Edith, he said it to a black guy.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Nearly 6:00 and nothing on the table yet.
Edith? Edith! Hello, Archie.
Hold it.
Don't make me spill nothing now.
Where were you? Upstairs.
What was you doing up there? Oh, well, we ain't got no bathroom down here.
That ain't no excuse.
You know we're having special company tonight.
Oh, I know.
But you told me you invited Joe Tucker for 6:30.
Yeah, but he's one of them guys that always comes half an hour early.
When he was working with us down the plant we used to call him an eager bleeder.
There we are.
Look at that there, Edith.
Not a drop spilt.
You could never do that, huh? Well, what are you doing? I'm performing what you call a whiskey transplant.
I'm pouring this cheap Heathcliff Scotch into a bottle of Haig Pinch pint of Scotch, see that? Because that's Joe Tucker's favorite Scotch.
I always like to do right by my guests.
But won't he taste the difference? Nah! All Scotch tastes the same.
It all tastes like iodine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Get something on the table, huh? Hurry up.
Oh, yeah.
Right away.
Yeah.
All right.
It's the first time in history a person ever got run down by a tapeworm.
Look at the way you're dressed.
Can't you do something a little better than that with Joe Tucker coming to dinner? What's so special about Joe Tucker? I'll tell you what's special about Joe Tucker.
You're a slob.
Joe Tucker happens to be my best friend that I ain't seen for 18 years.
How can he be your best friend if you haven't seen him for 18 years? Aaah! Go away.
What the hell do you know about friendship? Joe Tucker and me used to work together down at the plant and we were close, buddy.
We were as close as, what do you call, Damon and Runyon.
Joe Tucker was the guy that taught me how to be foreman so I could take over the job after him.
He learned me all the fine points about loading and lifting.
What's there to know? Don't be a wise guy.
There's a lot to know.
Wise guys like you that think there ain't much to know about lifting are walking around today wearing a dress.
Get away from me, huh? Just get away from me.
Come on, Edith.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Get some snicks and snacks around the joint, huh? I don't understand, Archie.
If Joe was so good down at the job, how come he's not working there anymore? Because Joe Tucker was cut out for better things.
He got himself a big job in a plant up in Rochester, New York.
He's a big shot up there.
But he ain't too big to come and have dinner with one of his old pals.
What is that, the latest in dinner wear? It's a little accident I had down at work, a word that's foreign to you.
Here you are.
Here's some dip.
All right.
Archie, look at your sleeve! It's all ripped.
I know that.
I had a little accident down at work.
That's all.
I'm carrying a crate of machine parts and I drop them down.
When I went to pick them up, I caught my shirt on a nail.
The worst part was Prendergast, the big boss, come by and seen me.
You should have heard him laying into me.
I gotta change my shirt.
Get away from them snick-snacks.
Hi! EDITH: Hello, Gloria.
Hurry up.
Take your coat off.
Joe Tucker will be here any minute and Archie always says that he gets here half an hour early.
What time's he supposed to be here? Oh! It's five after 6.
He's late.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
No, he's here! Edith! Joe! How are you? It's so good to see you again.
Oh, you too, Joe.
Come on in.
You remember Gloria? Well, sure, I remember Gloria.
Where is she? That one is Gloria, right there.
No, that ain't Gloria.
Gloria's a cute, little fat kid about so high.
That's Gloria, grown up.
JOE: I don't believe it.
Well, there's only one way to prove it.
The Gloria I knew always used to like these.
Chocolate licorice! Oh! Oh, that's my Gloria.
Come on.
Give your Uncle Tuck a big hug! Uncle Tuck, it's so good to see you.
You don't know my husband, Michael.
Oh, hello, Michael.
It's a great pleasure.
Come on, Joe.
Sit down.
Oh, it's so nice to have you-- ARCHIE: Did I hear Joe Tucker down here? My old friend Joe Tucker, is he here? What do you know, Joe boy? Hi there, Joe! Will you get out of the way! Archie! Oh! Hello, Arch.
[SHOUTING.]
Hey, Archie! Oh, jeez.
Oh, I got you, Arch.
That's two for flinching.
Yeah.
Aagh! Aagh! We always used to do that.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Archie.
You really haven't changed a bit.
Except maybe you're eating a little bit better.
Oh, jeez.
Otherwise you still look like the same old Meathead.
[CHUCKLES.]
How about some snick-snacks here, Joe? Serve him something, will you? No, no, no.
Wait a second.
Wait a second, there.
What did you just call him? Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Meathead.
Oh! The boys down at the plant hung that on Arch first day on the job.
Right, Meathead? Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah.
Nobody wants to hear all them old stories, Joe.
I wanna hear those old stories.
Why did all you guys call him Meathead? Well, you know.
You know, Arch was a little nervous the first day on the job.
So he picks up this big crate of machine parts.
Next thing you know, bang, he drops the machine parts like a meathead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seems like it was just yesterday, huh? Today too.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
What was that, Edith? Nothing.
She didn't say nothing.
Nothing.
What are you laughing about? Ain't you got nothing to do? Get outta here! Oh, I'm sorry.
I gotta go wash up.
I'll be back later.
Meathead.
Get away from me! [ARCHIE MIMICS LAUGHING.]
Get something around the table, will you? All right.
[GLORIA CACKLES.]
Hey, take your daughter with you, here! [CACKLING.]
Meathead.
Party pooper.
Come on, Joe.
Come on.
Sit down.
Here's the best chair in the house, my chair.
Sit right down there.
Boy, how you doing all these years up in Rochester? I'll bet you're right up to plant supervisor by now, huh? Well, I was plant supervisor.
Yeah.
Oh! Hey! Vice-president now, huh? Well-- Ah! Hey! Let's have a little drink on that.
Hey, Edith, bring out the bowl of the ice cubes there, will ya? Archie, wait a minute-- Hey, hey, hey.
No trouble at all.
Look what I got for you here.
Haig & Haig Pinch, your favorite.
Huh? Oh, I haven't seen that in a long time.
I'd hate to tell you what I've been drinking.
Yeah, yeah.
No, kidding.
What have you been drinking? Some rotgut called Heathcliff Special.
Here you are.
Here's the ice.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, Edith.
I asked you for ice cubes, you bring me an iceberg here.
Arch, Arch, it's no problem.
I'll drink it straight.
Yeah, we'll drink it straight.
Here.
Go on, take it away, huh? What do you want me to do with it? Take it out to the kitchen and wait for the Titanic to come sailing by.
Joe, Joe, Joe, down the hatch, huh? Right, Arch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah! Hey, hey.
That's pretty good Scotch whiskey, huh? I don't know, Arch.
I think you're wasting this on me.
I've been drinking that rotgut for so long, I can't tell the difference between this and Heathcliff Special.
Gee, I can hardly believe that, Joe.
I mean, uh-- A guy like you, a big shot, how come you gotta drink that rummy booze? Oh, Arch, I'm no big shot.
I'm nothing.
To tell you the truth, I'm out of work.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You, out of work? You know what's happened to a lot of companies because of this energy crisis.
They're cutting back all over the country.
I got laid off six months ago.
Jeez.
Six months you're out of work? Yeah.
For a long time I was getting up at 6 in the morning, walking around all day trying to get work.
But nobody wanted me.
After three months of that, I just gave up, stayed in bed all day.
Oh, gee, Joe, if I was out of work six months, I think I'd go bananas.
What's the matter there? You ain't crying, are you? No, no.
I'm okay.
Dr.
Lieberman says it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, uh, who's Dr.
Lieberman? He's the psychiatrist I went to see.
Wow, Joe, did you go nuts? No, Arch.
Well, why did you go to a nut doctor? I went to him for help and he gave it to me.
What did he do, loan you money? No, Arch.
He got me to believe in myself again.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But, Joe, listen.
I mean, that's not the kind of thing you want to get around.
You know, that could hurt you.
Don't let that out outside of here.
Arch, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here today.
He gave me the strength to come back to my old stomping grounds, look up my old friends.
Oh, you mean like me, huh? Yeah, yeah, like you, like Steve Prendergast.
Ste-- Steve Prendergast? You mean my boss down at work? Yeah.
I finally got the guts to call him and find out whether maybe I can get back in the old plant again.
You know, Prendergast and me, we were pretty good buddies.
Oh, yes.
Jeez, he never says nothing to me, but he always talked to you.
He used to like you.
Yeah.
Well, he told me to go down and see the personnel manager.
There's a spot opening up.
Funny.
I didn't hear of no spot opening up.
Oh, well, I'm sure it's not much, Arch.
But whatever they give, I'm gonna take.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
But, well, you would never wanna go back to the old loading dock no more.
Who wouldn't? Anything they offer, I'll grab.
I've been out of work too long to be proud.
Dinner! Michael, dinner! Come on, Arch.
I'm starving.
Joe, you're gonna sit right here.
You're the guest of honor.
Archie's chair.
That's at the head of the table.
Archie, you don't mind if Joe takes your place, do you? Jeez, it looks like I ain't gonna have much choice.
Joe.
And you think that's funny.
You should have seen the gag that Archie pulled on old Fatso Miller.
Remember that, Arch? Yeah, no, I don't remember none of them things now.
You ought to.
It was your idea.
Oh, yeah.
But people don't wanna hear them stories, Joe.
I do, Arch.
I'd like to hear about the time you had an idea.
Why don't you go and make a long-distance phone call from the other end.
Oh, Archie, that reminds me.
Before you got home, you got a phone call.
I got a phone call? Edith, why don't you write them things down so you remember them, huh? Oh, I remembered to write it down.
Oh, I just forgot.
I put it in my pocket.
Ah.
Hey.
Uh, Edith, uh I gotta talk to you now.
Well, go ahead.
No.
Out in the kitchen.
Oh.
Excuse us, please.
Yeah.
Excuse us, please, huh? We're just going in the kitchen over here.
Get in there! What is it? Look at this here.
Jim Sanders.
You know who that is? Yeah.
He's the personnel manager down at the plant.
That's right.
He's in charge of hiring and firing.
And being as how I'm already hired, what does that leave? Firing.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, Archie, they wouldn't fire you, not after all these years.
What do you know about it, Edith? I'm down there every day.
There's a lot of funny things happened lately.
Like what? Well, like, for instance, yesterday the big boss, Prendergast, come by there.
He don't even say hello to me.
But you said he never says hello to you.
That's right, and he done it again.
Oh, Archie, I think you're getting all worked up over nothing.
Edith, Edith, this guy out here, Joe Tucker, is the best loading dock foreman they ever had.
Prendergast knows that.
Don't you see what I'm saying? Tucker's after my job.
Oh, Archie, Joe wouldn't do that.
He's such a nice man.
"A nice man.
" Edith, in an energy crisis, there ain't no such thing as a nice man.
Oh, Archie, Joe wouldn't do nothing bad to you.
He's your best friend.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! And Benedict Arnold was George Washington's best friend.
You know what happened there.
What? Oh, Edith, Benedict was after George's job.
And George got wise to him.
I never heard that.
Why, certainly.
It's the truth.
Otherwise, if it wasn't, on Washington's birthday, we'd be eating eggs Benedict instead of cherry pie.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Come in.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
Sanders.
Yes.
Come in, Bunker.
Yeah.
Close the door, please.
Oh, yeah.
The door, yeah.
There it is, Mr.
Sanders, closed, just the way you like it.
All right.
Have a seat.
Uh, well, I don't wanna sit, Mr.
Sanders, because, you know, being a loading dock foreman, I never sit.
Mine ain't a sitting job, you know, like this.
Well, no, no.
Nothing wrong with your job.
It's a sitting job because it's a thinking job.
My job ain't got nothing to do with thinking and I'm very good at it.
I'm, uh, sure you are.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Now, Bunker-- Hey, this isn't gonna keep me away too long from the men, is it, Mr.
Sanders? Because my men don't like that.
They fall apart when I ain't there.
Just sit down, Bunker.
This will only take a few minutes.
Yeah.
Like yesterday, I was away.
You know, my one little two-minute break of the day.
I went to the toilet.
Then I come back and there's a crate of machine parts there on the dock, fell down.
Well, I had to take responsibility there, you know? The top man always has to do that.
Take, for instance, Richard E.
Nixon.
Same thing with him.
He's got a bunch of jerks working under him, screwing everything up.
But he's the top man.
He's gotta take responsibility, right? Look, uh, Bunker, I wanted to talk to you about Joe Tucker.
You see, he's applied for a job with us and Mr.
Prendergast is very fond of Joe Tucker.
He wanted me to hire him immediately.
Oh, he did, huh? But, uh, first I'd like to do a little checking.
So, uh, tell me now, what do you know about Joe Tucker? Oh, well, uh uh, well, he used to be a great worker years ago.
Of course, I ain't seen him lift nothing lately.
Well, uh, how long has it been since you worked with him? Oh, gee, about, uh, ooh, 18 years, maybe.
I was only a kid then.
Uh, gee, that'd make Joe, what, about 59, 60.
Jeez, he looked a lot older than that when I seen him last night.
He did? Well, there's nothing to that because he's been worrying, see? That's why he looked that way.
Uh, he's been out of work for six months.
But that ain't his fault, neither.
It's just that nobody wanted to hire him.
Well, when you saw him last night, did he, uh, seem depressed? No, no, no! He was very happy.
He was happy to see me.
He was so happy, he cried.
You mean he really cried? Oh, yeah.
The wet eyes, the handkerchief, the whole thing.
Just like he done the last time.
You mean you've seen him cry before? Oh, yeah.
The time he went up to take that job at Rochester.
Oh, I see.
Well, then, actually you have only seen him cry twice.
Yeah, that's right.
Like going and coming.
But I don't know what he was doing in-between times.
Well, don't write that down, Mr.
Sanders, see.
Just because a guy's crying, that don't mean he's a nut.
Ask any psychiatrist.
Yeah, don't write that down because, uh, listen, uh, sometimes, I even cry myself.
Oh! Don't write that down.
Well, I mean, just when do you cry, Bunker? Well, like, uhuh, for instance, uh-- Well, like on a religious occasion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like when I was watching Tricia's Wedding on TV.
Mike, Gloria, ain't it wonderful? It's 5:30 and Archie ain't home yet.
What's wonderful about that? Well, don't you see? The later Archie is, the less fired he is.
EDITH: Archie! Hello! You're home! Gee, what a lucky guess, Edith.
Gee, Daddy, what happened with Mr.
Sanders? All right, all right.
I'll tell youse everything.
Just let your mother go and get me a can of beer, huh? Oh, well, promise you won't start telling before I get back.
All right.
All right.
Get the beer, huh? Get the beer.
And will you-- Get out of my chair.
Yeah.
Get out of the chair.
Did you start telling yet? Well, let me sit down.
I ain't even sat down yet.
Daddy, can't you see how worried Ma is? Tell us.
What did Mr.
Sanders want? Ah, nothing, nothing.
He just wanted to ask me some questions about Joe Tucker.
Oh, is that all? What do you mean "Is that all?" I had to go in and talk about Tucker there.
I had to give him a character referential.
What did you tell them about Joe? Oh, gave him a big buildup.
Said he was a great worker Arch, that's damning him with faint praise.
Hey, I never once cursed the man.
What Michael's saying is that's not a very good recommendation.
Oh, yeah? Well, what would Michael like me to tell them? Well, tell them what you always tell us.
That he's a great guy.
Hey, what do you want me to do, strike myself out, huh? The guy's out after my job.
What I should have done was tell that personnel manager the truth.
I've got a good mind to go back tomorrow morning and tell him the truth.
Oh, and what's the truth? The truth, little girl, is that Joe Tucker's been going to see a psychiatrist.
So what? Will you wake up and live? This is the good old USA where personnel managers in this country, they don't like head-shrinkers or people who get shrinked.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
And if you tell Sanders that, they'll never hire Joe.
Arch, he's your best friend.
What do you wanna do that for? To save my job, stupid! That's a dog-eat-dog world out there.
Don't you know what it is out there? It's survival of the fattest.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
No.
No.
You get dinner on the table.
I'll get that.
You, get away from me.
Archie! Oh, hi, Joe.
I got the job! What, you got the job? What do you mean, Joe? The job on the loading platform? No.
Better than that.
And I got you to thank for it.
What? How did you get Sanders to ask me if I went to see a psychiatrist? Because he asked me and I said yeah.
You said yeah? Yeah.
He thinks psychiatrists are great.
See, it turns out that his wife went to an analyst and it did wonders for her.
That's how I got the job.
You got a job out of his wife being a loony? No, Arch.
Because she got well.
Hey, take a look at your new boss.
I'm the new dispatcher.
[SQUEALS.]
That's great! Great! Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey, Edith.
Hey, Edith.
Come here, Edith.
We've got some great news for you.
What is it? Oh, hello, Joe.
Wait a minute.
EdithEdith, not just Joe.
Yeah? Show a little respect.
You're talking to the new dispatcher down at work.
Oh! Hello, Mr.
Tucker.
Oh, congratulations, Joe.
I'll set another place at the table.
No, no, no, no.
Don't bother.
I'm gonna take you people down and find you the best meal I can find in New York.
Oh! Oh! Hey, Mike, Gloria, you're coming along too.
Let's go.
Oh, whoop-dee-doo! Joe, that's gonna be fun.
Oh, my-- Archie, what'll I do about my dinner? Same as you usually do.
Burn it.
Come on.
Come on, Edith.
Don't waste time.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Jeez, that's swell.
I'm glad to hear that, Joe.
Hey, we'll be working together again.
Hey, just like old times.
Well, not exactly, Arch.
You see, you went out on a limb for me.
I'm gonna make this job work.
Oh! You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, you mean with you the dispatcher, the rest of us kind of coast a little, huh? Are you kidding? I'm gonna be the best dispatcher they ever saw.
No more wasting time, no more loafing, no more kidding around.
No kidding around, huh? That's right.
You better be on your toes, buddy.
Because it's gonna be go, go, go, all the time, you know? Yeah, I know that.
Go, go, go.
Yeah.
And we're gonna trim this pot down in no time.
Oh, jeez.
Hey, Arch.
Yeah? Aaagh! Oh, jeez.
Oh, got you again, Bunker.
That's two for flinching.
Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh, Joe.
Hey, Archie! Aaagh! No.
No more, Joe.
I've got to give you two for flinching, all right? Oh, yeah.
Easy.
Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh! Oh! Oh! We're gonna have so much fun.
So much fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fun, Joe.
Fun.
Hello, Archie.
[GROWLS.]
Oh, what's the matter? Oh, Edith, what a day! Aw.
Prendergast, the big boss, comes out this morning on the loading dock.
He says, "Good morning, Archie.
" Well, what's wrong with that? That's wonderful.
Edith, he said it to a black guy.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.