Black-ish (2014) s04e18 Episode Script

1 Amy Taylor's son got into Harvard.
And Suzanna's son got into Penn.
Why haven't we heard back from Junior's schools? - I don't know.
- That's because I opted for paper mail instead of e-mail for all of my notifications.
Ooh, okay.
What kind of weirdo chooses snail mail? Sorry that I'm a romantic, but I wanted to do it the same way that my ancestors did.
Okay, well, your ancestors didn't go to college.
They were sold by a college.
- Oh, God, Dre.
- Okay? Remember that.
Oh.
Howard University has responded.
My alma mater.
Don't you mess this up.
Um how can you ruin opening an envelope? You've seen the boy open presents.
Oh, my God.
[SIGHS.]
It's a baseball glove.
And this is a bat.
Let me see, boy.
Let's see what Howard has to say.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, "Dear Andre J You've been accepted to Howard University on a full academic scholarship"! Yes! And they gave us a bumper sticker! Congratulations.
Open this one.
- What, what, what? - Whoa.
I got into Stanford.
- Wait, really? - What? - Really.
- I-I mean, of course you did, sweetie! Well, sadly, the financial aid isn't nearly as good.
- Oh.
- Ah.
Well, then, I guess there's obviously only one choice.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- We're going to Stanford! - We're going to Stanford! - Whoo! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sweetheart! Oh, oh! Come on.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
What about Howard? Oh! Ah! Get that out of here.
Okay, parentals, gotta run and see what it takes to get into the gluten-free dorm.
- All right? All right.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yes! Okay.
Whoo! This is so exciting! Yeah, it is, baby.
Can't we at least talk about this? Sweetie, he's been gluten-free for like a month now.
And And he thinks it gives him more energy.
- Which is probably true.
- I'm talking about us basically dismissing a full ride from Howard like it's nothing.
Yes, but he did get into Stanford.
[QUIETLY.]
Stanford.
Mm-hmm, yes, but he also got into Howard, all right? He could be a legacy kid at my Zamunda.
You mean the fake country that Eddie Murphy left when he wanted to go work at McDowell's? - You watched it? - No, I-I read about it on Wikipedia.
- [SIGHS.]
- You know I can't watch Eriq La Salle.
- Babe.
- What? Howard could be Junior's Zamunda.
I know, Dre, but he really wants to go to Stanford.
He loved it so much when we went on the college tour.
Okay, and how many historically black universities did he visit on that tour? Uh, none.
We didn't We didn't go to any.
Yeah, this is what I'm talking about, Bow.
We are about to toss Howard to the side because white people say Stanford is a better school.
White people used to say that direct sunlight was good for you.
Now they walking around here with parts of their nose gone.
- Okay.
- White people don't always get it right, Bow.
Dre this is not a black and white issue.
The boy spent his whole life with white kids, Bow.
This is his one shot at a real blackening.
Dre, I understand the importance of Howard.
I do.
But the plan has always been to get our kids into the best schools possible so that they could have more possibilities than we had.
Maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
I wish you were the one going away to college.
I did have a really good time during my college years.
I went to school with Diddy.
I think his name is Love now.
His name is Puff Daddy Diddy Love.
Was it Sean when you guys were in college? - DRE: No! - Did you know him? I did.
So, not sure if everyone heard the big news, but I got into Stanford.
- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations.
- Oh, congratulations, baby! You know I always knew not being popular was gonna pay off for you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Thanks, Grandma.
That feeling when your older brother's finally leaving home for good? [LAUGHTER.]
That's funny.
That's a good one, Jack.
Well played, buddy.
You are really starting to discover your comedic voice.
Is he? I mean, everyone knows that I'm the funny one.
Like [SCOFFS.]
Jealous sister got me like [LAUGHTER.]
Got me like Now that's funny.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you guys serious? He's just doing stupid memes that he saw online.
Don't you see it? Diane, baby, don't be so bitter.
[CHUCKLES.]
The laughs were undeniable.
Uh, #Mood.
Hey, look at this! [LAUGHTER.]
STEVENS: Okay, gang.
I need pitches on a new account for this energy drink called Savagery.
One small note side effects include liver palpitations.
- Go! - Uh, okay.
"Savagery.
For when you need your liver to palpitate.
" Great pitch, pumpkin.
Going straight at the problem.
Now, remember, we're trying to get this product into elementary schools.
Charlie, what do you got? Uh, "Savagery don't worry, you got two livers.
" Outstanding.
Kids are hilariously trusting.
Dre.
My family is stupid.
No one wants Junior to go to Howard, even though he got a full scholarship.
FYI it's pronounced Harvard.
Why wouldn't they want Junior to go to Harvard? T-That's where I went, by the way.
Not sure if I told you guys.
Actually, gentlemen, I believe Dre is saying "Howard" - Yes.
- like the duck.
No, the historically black college where I went to school.
I could swear that you told me that you went to Harvard - when I interviewed you.
- No.
I mean, not that I wouldn't have hired you if I had known that you went to some school for blacks that obviously white people abandon.
I mean I don't understand.
If you guys can go to our normal colleges, then why do you need your own? Yeah.
Because we weren't always allowed into your "normal" colleges.
Do you have any idea how many successful black Americans went to HBCUs? No.
MLK, Spike Lee, Diddy, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Kamala Harris, Oprah.
My cousin Raymar, Delvon, and Lil Big Man, too.
They all did a semester at Grambling State before hitting it big in the copper industry.
I didn't know your cousins were copper miners.
Copper sellers, actually.
You know, when people move, they leave copper pipes laying around in their walls, like they just got money like that, you know? Oprah and I would not be where we are today - had it not been for black colleges.
- Facts.
And we're all sitting around the same table doing the same work and getting equal pay.
Except you're not exactly getting equal - Uh-uh-uh.
- What? - Bumpkin, no, no.
- What? Oh, my God! It's lunchtime.
- What?! - [LAUGHS.]
I just I - Gotta go.
Gotta go! - Sushi truck! Didn't we just get to work? Yeah, they doing something to us.
When they all go eat together, that's when we should get nervous.
RUBY: Action! Steppin' into the weekend like All right.
No, no, no, no, no.
Cut! Cut! This time, I want you to really make me believe that you're goin' into the weekend! Like you say you are.
Okay.
Steppin' into the weekend like Yeah, that's it, baby! Ha-ha! That's Grandma's baby.
Seriously, guys? Jack is not funny.
Are we still on this? Well, not only are we still on this, but Grandma's decided to come out of retirement and help manage Jack's career.
You know, I used to work with Sinbad.
Hey! Actually, Grandma, I've been thinking about dabbling in the entertainment industry myself.
Maybe you can take me on as a client, too, like Oh, Diane.
Sweetie, I don't think so.
You know, family and show business - just don't mix.
- Mm.
But you literally just said you're managing Jack.
Well, yeah, I guess I did say that.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, sweetie, fine.
But before we sign any paperwork, you should know I, uh [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERS.]
I never worked with Sinbad.
Mm.
Pack your bags.
Because we are going to take a trip to Zamunda whether your mother likes it or not.
Actually, I think that's a great idea.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.
Can you take a look at my luggage to make sure I packed appropriately? Considering Howard is so far from home, with so many unknown variables - What the hell is this, huh? AC/DC? - What? - It's f - Boy, where are your Timbs? - Sweetie - Uh, uh, where's your Pelle Pelle? Boy, you don't even have a do-rag in here.
- I - They are gonna eat you alive.
You know what? Dre! I'm gonna pack for you.
Mom, please get him to drop Howard.
Junior, you know that the more you fight it, the harder he's gonna push.
Just get it over with.
Then you can go to Stanford.
Son, you know what? Your clothes are all wrong.
Here.
You can wear my butterscotch Pelle Pelle.
This is a 9 XL.
That's how we wear it at HU.
You're not ready for this.
I swear I thought I threw that away.
I don't know why he still has that.
Me.
Also me.
Mmm.
Jack the Entertainer, the Original King of Comedy.
[LAUGHS.]
It's gonna be a big moneymaker.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at this.
You already got 5,000 followers.
Thank you, Grandma.
I couldn't have done it without you threatening to whup me when my jokes don't land.
Me and Joe Jackson we get results.
[LAUGHS.]
Go on.
Show 'em that million-dollar smile.
Okay, G Um, Diane, can you can you just move? Your head is in my light.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, your head.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
Okay, Google.
Take a selfie.
Yeah, put something on it, baby.
Yeah.
Well, what about my page? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, let me see.
Ooh! Firefighters.
Really? Sure they went into burning buildings, but where are they after the fire when people need help putting their lives back together? Well, you're already up to 39 followers.
Oh, that's almost 40.
But I will say, Diane, your page is decently formatted.
How is my smart comedy not getting as much traffic as Jack's flaming dumpster of social media rip-offs? Since when do people love mediocre content? DRE: All right, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
The cold weather is part of how all the brothers and sisters of Zamunda come together to overcome adversity and form lifelong bonds that you can only get right here at HBCU.
I've never met one person you went to college with.
Boy, shut up.
Now, brace yourself for black utopia.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Look at 'em! Protesting the man! [SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
Actually, kinda looks like they're protesting against each other.
No.
No, they they just arguing over who hates the man more.
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- Step on the other side of this line, homie! Let's get outta here before the police come.
Come on.
HU! Huh, apparently they didn't hear me because they were supposed to respond with "You know.
" All right, we're gonna try this again.
The acoustics are much better in this part of the library.
I used to scream in here all the time.
Now, here we go.
Watch this.
HU! Hey, we're studying.
Mm-hmm.
See, that's how black people tell other black people that you're bothering 'em.
My bad.
Let's roll.
Oh, son, look at campus life! This is the epicenter of black-tivities.
You know, this is where I learned about my first slam poetry reading.
I like to call this one "My High Top Fade.
" My high top fade is so sharp, it will cut you to your heart.
- I'm from Compton - STUDENT: Man, you suck! but I know Jimmy from Lynwood.
I wonder why I never stuck with that.
Maybe we should see if there's some slam poetry - going on tonight.
- There isn't.
Can we just go back to the hotel? Are you sure? Sinbad's opening for Coolio in the library.
Never mind.
I-It's a Coolio cover band.
Puppies.
For real? You kidnapped a dog's baby.
Congratulations.
RUBY: Sweet Black Jesus.
You're like a tiny, little brown Ann Coulter.
Right? I don't understand why I can't get a following.
Do you think I'm ahead of my time? Your time where, baby? In hell? You're taking shots at everything we all love.
But isn't that whole point of comedy? Okay.
This part of the job's never easy.
Diane I am no longer able to represent you as a client.
Wait, what? How come? You don't want to do this.
Look at you.
You even came to the meeting in your pajamas.
But it's almost bedtime.
When Michael Jackson was your age, he slept in show clothes just in case.
You know who wore pajamas? LaToya.
Who's LaToya? Uh-huh.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
How'd it go? Fine.
I'm pretty tired, though.
So I think I'm gonna call it a night.
Okay, good night.
Well did you have fun? - Of course not.
- Oh, really? I tried to show him everything - I loved about Howard.
- Mm.
And between the black-on-black protest - and the weirdo nerd culture - [LAUGHS.]
the entire thing ended up being an absolute disaster.
I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.
But for what it's worth, Dre, you do keep remembering all the good stuff about Howard and conveniently forgetting all the challenges.
What challenges? Like how tough it was for you to reintegrate back into society.
Howard University, huh? What do they teach there, black math? [CHUCKLES.]
I guess there was one or two white men who made some ridiculous assumptions about Howard.
Do you remember all of the catching up on white culture that you had to do? What?! Hey, can you believe Dre doesn't know Elvis Costello? Of course he knows Elvis Costello! Everyone knows Elvis Costello.
Play "Alison.
" Dre, you'll know this.
- Listen.
Wait a minute.
Listen for it.
- Come on.
- ["ALISON" PLAYS.]
- You know this, right? No, I-I don't think so.
Okay, go to the chorus.
Everyone knows the chorus.
- Alison - Just listen.
Ready? - I know this world is killing you - No, I don't know the chorus, either.
That's because you keep talking.
Shh.
Look, guys, I've never heard this song before in my life.
- Alison - Yes, you have.
Come here.
Come here.
Oh, yeah! - I love this song! - I knew it.
I can't believe they made me feel some type of way about not knowing some white mediocre artist when they don't know any of our black mediocre artists.
Dre, it wasn't just the music that made you feel out of place.
- Not knowing their movies - Mm-hmm.
books, TV shows.
I-I can never get back all those hours I spent watching "Everybody Loves Raymond.
" Mm-hmm.
You loved "Everybody Loves Raymond.
" Hey, hey.
This is not about me.
We are talking about how unhappy it made you that you couldn't relate to any of your co-workers.
Is that really what you want for Junior? Kinda.
Damn it! I think the boy's gonna have to go to Stanford.
Yesss! Mm! [DIANE AND GRANDMA LAUGH.]
RUBY: Look at you, baby.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, these shoulders! Um, w-what's so funny? [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, my God.
- What is this? - What? I'm just sayin'.
- [LAUGHS.]
Uh, what's that? I-I don't get it.
Well, what's not to get? Diane found her catchphrase.
It's a gold mine, boy.
Don't be petty about it.
Let's be honest, Jack.
It's not the first time you don't get something.
What? I'm just sayin'! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, you're such a hypocrite.
We're gonna sell so many t-shirts! You hear that? We're gonna be selling t-shirts 'cause I'm the funny one.
[LAUGHS.]
And mugs, too! - And mugs.
- Come on, baby! [LAUGHS.]
Son.
Uh I've been thinking.
And your mother and I think you should go to Stanford.
Actually, Dad, I don't wanna go to Stanford anymore.
- You don't? - You don't? It's a great school, - and I'm really happy I was accepted - Mm-hmm.
but when we went to Howard, I felt something special.
From the moment we got there, everything about it made me feel proud and excited to be black.
Again, except Dad.
Of course I've seen black kids protest before, but Howard is the only place I've ever seen black kids on opposite sides of the same protest.
I-I've never seen so many different kinds of black people in one place rich kids, poor kids, middle class, Southern, Republican, Democrat.
It was like the only thing that defined being black at Howard was being proud that you are.
And remember that one girl in the down bomber jacket who said I needed to stop staring at her or she'd punch me in the face? I think she might be my future wife.
I'm sorry I was so close-minded.
But I'm really happy that you took me to Howard.
Son, I'm really proud of you for making this decision and and for also having the blind courage to think that you could get with that girl who wanted to punch you in the face.
That's how I knew she was the one.
I had a really hard time returning to the white world after school.
And I'm worried that you won't hear "Alison" at Howard and people are gonna give you a hard time for that.
The Elvis Costello song? - You know that? - Of course.
It's a beautiful song, actually.
Maybe I could be the black kid who introduces other black kids at Howard to Elvis Costello.
That way, they don't have to go through what you went through, Dad.
But I bet you that there are plenty of girls at Stanford who would happily punch you in the face.
They would love to do that.
- You sound desperate.
- That's N You know what, son? The next time we fly to Howard, I'll make sure we have two seats next to each other on the plane.
HU! You know! [LAUGHS.]
You are a legacy kid, son! Bow! He's a legacy kid.
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what I hate? When you're finally early to class but that's the one day your teacher's running late.
Chomp-chomp-chicken! The other day, I sat down and watched the game, but I realized I recorded the Spanish version.
Chomp-chomp-chicken! Oh, God, I hate myself.
Eh.
You get used to it.
What? She's just sayin'.
Hey! [LAUGHING.]
Just sayin'.