Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s04e18 Episode Script

1
(ALL GROANING)
So the pitcher guy is trying
to hit the wooden thing?
The bowler tries to hit the wicket.
(IMITATING UNCLE TUNDE): Oh,
the bowler is trying to hit the wicket.
Everything about cricket sounds made up.
You should join our fantasy league.
I barely know the rules.
That is why I am inviting you.
It is time for me to head home.
Kemi likes to rub my abs
as she drifts off to sleep.
Olu does that, too.
But on the belly of a sea otter.
Hey. You guys still spending
every night together?
Yes. Kemi demands passionate nights
and pancakes in the morning.
You two sound like
you're already married.
When are you gonna throw
a ring on her finger?
I would love to,
but it is not the right time.
Kemi deserves to marry
a head pharmacist,
not some lowly pill jockey.
A handsome pill jockey.
Oh, Bob. You're too kind.
- Do you love her?
- Yes.
- Does she love you?
- Yes.
Her and your mom still
trying to kill each other?
Only sometimes.
That's an improvement.
You hear that, Pastor?
Sounds like wedding bells.
And I happen to know someone
who can perform a riveting ceremony.
It is him.
He's talking about himself.
Just discussing this,
my hands have begun to sweat.
Well, don't be nervous,
it's the right decision.
Sometimes you just
got to take that leap.
Proverbs 18:22 says,
"He who finds a wife, finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord."
Look at that,
you got Jesus as your wingman.
I am going to do it.
I am going to propose to Kemi.
Let's hear it for Chuey!
- (CHEERING)
- Congratulations.
I will take Mummy ring shopping.
She and Kemi have the same size fingers.
No idea why you know that,
but we're happy for you.
Thank you, Bob.
Anytime, pal.
That's nice, huh?
Yes. And you talked him into it.
- What does that mean?
- Nothing. I'm sure it will be fine.
("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING)
Mmm. This wine is delicious.
Ah, it was a gift from Chukwuemeka.
Why would another man send you wine?
Well, that's between me and Chuey.
This does not concern you?
It's nothing bad.
All I can say is love is in the air.
This does not concern you?
I am not worried.
Bob's secrets are always boring.
Okay.
Boy, egusi's good.
Just say it.
It's a thank-you gift.
Now, don't tell anybody,
but you're looking at
the guy who encouraged
Chukwuemeka to propose to Kemi.
(SILVERWARE DROPS)
So I am looking at a fool?
I'm going to finish this in my room.
This is a good thing.
You don't have to leave.
I can see that you feel that way.
That's why I'm leaving.
Kemi has no interest in
getting married again.
If he does this,
their relationship
will never be the same.
Hey, have a little faith.
They might beat the odds like us.
An American guy follows
this Nigerian nurse on a bus
with a bag full of socks?
A lot of people doubted that love story.
I am still amazed you made it.
Cheers.
We do not anticipate this
unit being available for long.
It is within walking distance
of two coffee shops and a dog park.
Oh, I would love to have a dog.
We do not allow pets.
- But you are .3 miles away from seeing them.
- (CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
I have always wanted a reading nook.
Ah, it is also the perfect spot
for you and your new
neighbor to play cards
and shoot the breeze.
(LAUGHING)
It would be nice to have
you living above us.
- You have very light footsteps, like a cat.
- Oh.
When I lived above his garage,
Goodwin insisted on me being quiet.
From the hours of 10:00 p.m.
to 8:00 a.m.,
I had to sneeze into a pillow.
We were going to raise the
rent on the next tenant,
but since you are like family,
we will give you the
"like family" discount.
I'm sure he does not expect
any special treatment.
- I do not.
- Good answer.
Ooh, would it be okay
if I put up some whimsical wallpaper?
It is your castle, you are the king.
But there will be an extra charge.
Should I get a lease for you to sign?
Today? I-I was not counting
on finding a place so quickly.
We are not lowering the rent.
The price is the price.
I just want to take my time.
What if we took $200
off your first month?
Stop hitting me, I like him!
(CHUCKLES)
- Hello.
- Hey.
I brought you potato
skins from the cafeteria.
- Oh, thank you.
- KEMI: Mm-hmm.
I was going to eat it,
but, uh, I cannot today.
Okay, thanks.
Because I have big plans later.
That's nice.
Mm.
Ask me what I'm doing tonight!
Why? It always involves a
naked Chuey and coconut oil.
They do not use coconut oil,
it gives him a rash.
I should not know that.
And now I know that.
My man is taking me
out for a posh dinner.
No.
And he's picking me up in a limousine.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Sounds romantic. Where you going?
Mayfield's.
Ooh, that fancy place on the water?
Yes. Chukwuemeka is obviously
going to expect me to put out.
Which I will do in the following ways:
- First
- You cannot go there.
Um, that place is terrible.
Bob and I got food poisoning.
I will be fine.
I always sniff my oysters
before I shoot them.
The valet scratched Bob's car.
Why are you trying to spoil my fun?
You sound jealous.
Yes, I am very jealous
that he gets to spend time with you.
Please, have dinner with me instead.
That is so sweet.
You want to spend time with me.
Let me think.
Abishola, sexy boyfriend?
You lose.
Enjoy your sad life.
You gonna eat those?
Thank you.
Over the past three weeks,
engagement with our
"Sock Lovers" campaign
has gone up 35% among those
who self-identify as single
and into feet.
God bless those freaks,
they're loyal customers.
Why do they have to call them freaks?
Maybe they're just trying
to live their lives.
Okay, what's next?
Really? It's 4:45 on a Friday.
Don't you want to get
home to the wife and kids?
Yeah, they're probably
wondering where Daddy is.
Go home, Daddy.
Tiwa and the kids went to
her mother's for the weekend.
Which is good because there
is so much work to do.
Oh, I get it.
No wife, no Kofo,
you don't want to face the empty house.
You know,
sometimes I put on the Food Network
so I can pretend
I'm eating with someone.
It's got to be a little weird
not having your buddy out in the garage.
When my kids left home,
I didn't know what to do with myself.
Kofo is not my child, or my buddy.
He was a tenant,
who still owes me a cleaning fee.
It's okay to miss him.
And it's okay to let us go home.
So many things are okay.
Let us go over the inventory again.
Well, I gave it a shot. Good luck, guys.
I'm sorry you're lonely, honey,
but I got to get out of these pantyhose.
All right, great week, everybody.
- Sit down, Douglas.
- (MOANS)
- You will help Christina and I finish up.
- CHRISTINA: Sounds great.
We'll order takeout,
we'll sit cross-legged in a circle,
listen to some Enya.
Thank you, Christina, you may go home.
See you, sucker.
We were supposed to be
closer to the window.
Oh, that's okay.
I can see the reflection of the river
shimmering off your beautiful head.
I just want this night to be special.
Oh, it will be. For your wallet.
I haven't eaten since breakfast.
There they are.
Without making it too obvious,
get us as close as you
can to the bald guy.
What are you going to do?
Destroy their lives.
She's kidding.
Chuey wanted us here for support.
If you didn't want to do that,
you shouldn't have come.
I need to be here because
when this goes wrong,
I'll be able to tell Kemi
it was all your fault.
(CHUCKLES) Great.
Look who it is!
Our favorite lovebirds.
Whose lives we will not meddle in.
Hello, my friends.
What are you doing at
my romantic restaurant?
Uh, just having dinner.
- Pretend we're not here.
- Unless you need us,
then we are always here.
You are truly obsessed with me.
It is like Single White Female
except you are neither single nor white.
Kemi, relax.
More champagne?
Fine.
Cheers to my haters.
It's looking pretty romantic over there.
Poor Kemi.
She has no idea what is coming.
Hello! Stop looking at us!
- Kemi.
- Oh, my God. It's happening.
Oh, my God. It is happening.
I cannot imagine spending
my life with anyone but you.
I cannot imagine you spending your life
with anyone but me either.
I love you with all my heart.
What are you doing?
Oh, I see.
That is a beautiful ring.
Almost as beautiful as the
woman who will wear it.
Kemi
will you marry me?
You are a wonderful man.
But no, thank you.
Kemi. Kemi?
Kemi! If it helps,
I had nothing to do with this.
I took these on my way out.
Thank you.
While I was running,
I did not think to throw
some oysters in my purse.
Why would Chukwuemeka even
consider proposing to me?
Because he is a fool who was
influenced by another fool.
- Marriage is not for me.
- I know.
And that is okay.
I like my life the way it is.
Exactly what I told Bob.
Chukwuemeka deserves better.
What are you talking about?
Never mind.
That is a ridiculous thing to say.
There is no one better.
My husband was terrible,
but I was never a good wife to him.
I did not have dinner
waiting for him every night.
Or have perfectly manicured hands
to rub his fat, crusty feet.
You are not the reason
your marriage failed.
I am.
A good wife is selfless,
puts her husband first,
does not turn off her phone and
spend all night at the casino.
Chukwuemeka loves you
exactly the way that you are.
If he wanted a good wife,
he would not be with you.
Thank you for those sweet words.
So you're saying I should marry him?
Only if you want to.
But I told you I did not.
But you did not for the wrong reasons.
Okay, shut up, you are confusing me.
And you forgot butter.
You are a good friend.
Mr. Wheeler, I wanted to show you
my idea for our rollout campaign.
Fine.
I will come back another time.
I got time. Show me.
No, thank you. Your eyebrows are raised.
That is your yelling face.
No, that is his
"got in a fight with Abishola" face.
- Maybe both.
- Stop looking at my face!
There is the yelling.
When we are neighbors,
these are the work moments
we can discuss over brewskis.
I am still not sure about
taking the apartment.
- Why not?
- It is a big commitment.
What, are you scared of being happy?
This man's offering you
a beautiful life here.
You're just gonna run away?
Why is he angry with me?
It is not about you.
But underneath his screaming
is a great deal of wisdom.
Do you like the apartment?
- Yes.
- Can you see yourself there?
- Yes.
- Then stop thinking with this
and start thinking with this.
Oh, Bob. You are a poet.
I am sick of living my life in fear.
Uncle, I will take the apartment.
- Wonderful!
- BOB: Good for you.
Was choosing happiness so freakin' hard?
I accept your angry congratulations.
And I am getting a puppy.
Uh, my wife has made it
clear that is not negotiable.
BOB: Oh, for God's sakes,
let him have the damn puppy!
All right, I'll see what I can do!
Mm.
Hello.
Hey.
- Reliving the magic of our wedding?
- Mm-hmm.
Look how much fun everyone is having.
And there's Kemi right in the middle,
life of the party.
Mm. She looks so happy riding
on that man's shoulders.
How can this be the same woman
who ran out of that restaurant?
She's just having a little self-doubt.
Kemi may have a hard, prickly exterior,
but inside somewhere,
she's soft and sweet.
She is a Nigerian, not a pineapple.
She's prickly inside and out.
Maybe it comes from hanging
around too many Americans.
I'm around you all the time,
I have not changed.
Yesterday you bent over
to pet the neighbor's dog.
Because he has the eyes of a human.
Listen, I'm sorry I got involved.
You were right,
it's none of our business.
We have to find a way to
make Kemi marry Chukwuemeka.
You're right again, it is our business.
Look, I don't know
if this is gonna happen.
He's already looking
for jobs out of state.
He doesn't care what pharmacy it is.
He would leave CVS?
I heard he applied at a Walgreens.
No.
He's a man on the edge.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hello, Kofo.
Goodwin.
I see you have erased
every sign of my existence.
How quickly a futon
becomes a pool table.
Are you here to beg to come back?
No.
In fact, I am about to sign
the lease on a new apartment.
I just came to pick up my mail.
I see.
- Thank you.
- No trouble at all.
If any more mail comes,
I will be honored to
hold on to it for you.
You're a good cousin.
But I set up forwarding
with the post office,
so you will not be bothered.
Well, mistakes happen.
And if they do, I will always be there.
I know you will.
Goodbye, Kofo.
Goodbye.
Goodwin.
Hmm?
Do you think we will ever
see each other again?
Yes, at work.
Oh, right. Silly me.
Morning, morning.
Good morning.
Why are you smiling like that?
You need to sit right here.
Why? What are you going to do to me?
All you need to know is
you are about to become
the center of attention.
Oh, okay.
This is for you, Kemi!
("BEST OF MY LOVE" PLAYING)
- Ooh.
- Hey!
Okay, I don't know what's happening,
but I like it.
Ooh, shake it, Gloria.
- (LAUGHING)
- Shake it!
Come on, y'all.
Oh!
An embarrassing flash mob, for me?
Oh, I love it, I love it!
(LAUGHTER)
Never will I feel discouraged ♪
- 'Cause your love's no mystery ♪
- Hips. Ooh, hips.
Demonstrating love and affection ♪
Okay.
The choreography is a little basic,
but I am having fun, I'm having fun.
I like the way you make me
feel you about you, baby ♪
KEMI: That's it, hey!
More hips, more hips.
Oh-oh,
you've got the best of my love ♪
The doctor prescribed
100 cc's of handsome.
Hello, my love.
Oh, Chukwuemeka.
This is too much, everyone is looking.
It's so embarrassing.
Kemi
Our friends pointed out
that I would be miserable
working at a Walgreens in Des Moines.
The only thing that would
make me more miserable
is to live a single day without you.
I refuse to give up on our love.
Oh, well, my hand is feeling
suddenly very naked.
I can help with that.
Kemi
will you marry me?
Oh, Chukwuemeka.
I have stipulations.
Of course you do, my love.
I will not be the
traditional Nigerian wife.
I refuse to wait on you hand and foot.
I would not want it any other way.
And I will be me.
The vivacious free bird
with big dreams and an ass to match.
You do you.
I will not even use the word "wife."
Well, then you may bejewel me.
Is that a yes?
Yes.
She said yes!
(CHEERING)
I am going to have a husband!
And I am going to have a Kemi.
It's growing every day ♪
My love, my love ♪
Oh-oh ♪
Doo-doo, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo, ow! ♪
Is this everything?
(PANTING) Yes. Oh.
I have never had a whole
apartment to furnish.
I think a trip to IKEA is in my future.
You are going to love living alone.
I-I had my own place at university
and it was wonderful.
Every morning, I made
fried eggs and blasted Chaka Khan.
(LAUGHTER)
I am more Sade and bellinis.
Oh, and don't worry,
the dark thoughts are
few and far between.
I am sorry, what?
Well, there will be times
when you have a bad day,
you'll go home to your four walls,
longing for any other
living person to talk to.
- Oh.
- And it will cross your mind
that if you have a medical emergency,
no one will find you until the stench
of your decomposing body
alerts the neighbors.
Oh
But like I said (CHUCKLES)
few and far between!
Enjoy your new apartment.
I will.