Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e18 Episode Script

1 (cheering) We're all from West Covina! This is my favorite TV show.
I love you, Rachel Bloom.
(cheering) Ra-ta-ta! (shouting) (cheering) Hello, Los Angeles.
(cheering continues) (laughing) Oh, my God.
You guys kind of made me tear up.
(whooping, cheering) WOMAN: We love you, Rachel! West Covina (wild cheering) California In my soul I feel a fire 'Cause I'm headed for the pride of the Inland Empire Actually, it's not in the Inland Empire It's in the San Gabriel Valley I should have taken five seconds to Google that Before I wrote the first song of the television show (cheering, applause) My life's about to change Oh, my gosh.
'Cause I'm hopelessly Desperately in love with Everybody West Covina (cheering, whooping) And also, by coincidence So random, just by chance Who'd-a thunk it? So remarkable and weird, right? It so cray (Bloom gasps, laughs) That this guy Josh Just happens to be Here (audience cheering) (song ends) (cheering, applause) BLOOM: Welcome! Welcome! (cheering continues) Um, so, tonight, we are so excited to present to you just some of the 157 songs that we - (cheering) - I know, I know Uh, from the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songbook.
"Songbook" was their cue, so that was very important.
(audience cheering) Yes.
Yes.
Now, uh, because this whole concert has to air in 42 minutes on The CW, we have to be very expeditious, so I am going to both introduce the show and change into my next outfit.
This is my dresser, Tommy Marquez.
(cheering, applause) He's single.
Um (laughs) See? I'm helping.
Um, Tommy has seen me naked many times.
Many times.
Um, if Tommy had a nickel for every time he'd seen my nipples, he would have an answer that I can't say because it was redacted by Standards and Practices for being too dirty of a joke.
I like how I'm behind a changing screen, but the balcony can see everything.
(cheering) So, now, I'd like to introduce my two Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songwriters.
On bass, say hello to Jack Dolgen.
(cheering, applause) And on the piano, Mr.
Adam Schlesinger.
(cheering, applause) And now I am changed.
(cheering, applause) Coming up is a song that manages to be both feminist and anti-feminist at the same time.
("Let's Generalize About Men" begins) Here's your jacket, bitch.
Right now we're angry and sad It's our right to get righteously mad At every member of the opposite sex Oh, God, we hate them Let's not distinguish between them at all Let's just drink a lot more alcohol And then high-five each other As we make a bunch of blanket statements Let's generalize about men Let's generalize about men Let's take one bad thing About one man And apply it to all of them Let's conflate all the guys Let's generalize About men Ooh, it's, like, "I have a beard.
" Ugh! All men are completely repressed Uh-huh All men only want to have sex There are no exceptions All three billion men are like this All 3.
6 billion men All men are emotionally stunted When asked how they feel, every man's always grunted And why do men never listen And only think about themselves? As opposed to women, who always listen And never think about themselves Ooh, I hear you, girl Let's generalize about men Let's generalize about men Let's get super lit And not admit This is some kind of primal ritual We need now and then Maybe our spirits will rise if we Generalize about men All men are stupid and childish Even the ones who are "smart and mature" All every man does every day Is watch porn, eat wings Burp, fart and snore (audience cheering) Hey.
What about gay men? (cheering fades) Oh, no, they're fine.
Gay men are all really great Every single one They're never mean Just sassy They're all completely Adorable and fun So let's focus for now on straight men Let's just generalize about them They're all monsters They're murderers They're rapists - Totally - Wait.
I have sons.
Your sons are gonna be rapists.
(cheering) All right, uh, we'll be right back after I clean up all the glitter.
Oh (laughter) (cheering) Anyone want to, um you guys want to Okay, dare to defy.
(cheering) We'll be back.
(cheering) (cheering) (cheering continues) You know, during that last commercial break, while you were all going to the bathroom or getting drinks or probably fornicating (laughter) um, I was actually backstage, uh, donating money to some very worthy causes.
- Wow, Rachel.
- Yeah.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
What, um what specific charity did you donate to? What were the names of the specific charities? (laughter) Children.
(laughter, light applause) What's the, uh what's the tax ID number of Children? (laughter) Let's just do the stupid song, okay? (cheering) ("I'm a Good Person" begins) I'm a good person, yes, it's true I'm a good person, better than you I'm a good person, can't you see? Doctors Without Borders don't have nothing on me I'm a good person, and if you ask why I'll spit my good right into your eye Everywhere I go, I spread such bliss And if you don't think so, you can kiss My ass Which is made of good I'm a good person, that's my thing My nickname is Mother Teresa Luther King I'm a good person, get it straight And when I say "good" I really mean "great" The best.
#HumbleAndBlessed.
I'm a good, such a good, real good person I'm a good person through and through I'm a good, such a good, real good person Let me hear you say it, too Mom and Dad Mom and Dad, say I'm a good person, or I will put you in a terrible nursing home.
(laughter) I'm a good person.
No.
(laughter) Okay, just in case we need it for broadcast, I need you both to say, "You're a good person," just in case it's not clear.
Say I'm a good person, or I'll put you in a nursing home.
And it'll be a bad nursing home, too.
Say it.
Say I'm a good person.
- You're a good person.
- I'm a good person.
Did you still say "I'm a good person"? Dad! Dad! Dad! Say it.
You're No! (speaks indistinctly) Dad! (laughter) Dad, just, Mom'll cue you.
Okay.
Say it.
Say it.
BOTH: You're a good person! Oh, my God, thank you ! I'm a good, such a good, real good person I'm a good person through and through I'm a good, such a good Real good person I'm a good person Get it? Screw you! (cheering) (song ends) (cheering continues) And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my good-person privilege to introduce Donna Lynne Champlin and the Almost-All-Female Orchestra.
(cheering) (Champlin laughs) Thank you.
I got the pretty dress, y'all.
(cheering, applause) When I was a little girl I felt like a princess So naive and full of hope I thought my dreams would come true But then as I grew The world was all like (chuckles) "Nope" (laughter) But this time, maybe just maybe (cheering) Maybe this dream Won't lead to disgrace Maybe this dream Is in reach Maybe this dream Won't poop on my face Like a seagull At the beach Maybe this dream Won't be like when I go running And I have to take a dump So I have to rush home Plus I also have my period So I have menstrual cramps Plus dump cramps And as I run frantically I pee Just a little Because I've had two babies So by the time I get home My undies smell like a sewer rat Maybe this dream Won't be Like that (cheering) Maybe this dream Will finally make me Feel Like I Deserve A Dream (cheering, applause) Ah.
(cheering continues) (cheering, applause) How you guys doin'? Yeah! I love ya! Oh, I have loved playing Darryl Whitefeather for the last four years.
But alas, it's time to hang up the spurs.
AUDIENCE: Aw But not just yet! (cheering) So how about we show a little bi pride, huh? (cheering) Because this is all about feelin' proud and livin' out loud! ("Gettin' Bi" begins) I don't know how I don't know why But I like ladies And I like guys I realize It's a surprise But now I see that that's just me It's not like I even try So if you ask me how I do it Here is my reply I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi I'm gettin' bi I'm lettin' my bi flag fly Not gonna hide it Not gonna lie I'm a bi kinda guy There's no reason to be shy My, oh, my It's a fact I can't deny I'm bi, bi, bi Until the day I die Now, some may say Aw, you're just gay Why don't you just go gay All the way? But that's not it 'Cause bi's legit Whether you're a he or a she We might be a perfect fit So if you ask me how I do it I'm feelin' peppy Sprightly, spry I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi (audience singing along): I'm gettin' bi I'm gettin' bi, I'm gettin' bi It doesn't take an intellectual To get that I'm bisexual.
(song ends) Yeah! - (cheering) - Whoo! Love you! (cheering continues) Okay, we'll be right back soon as we clean up the confetti again.
If anyone wants to actually help me this time, that'd be great.
- Yeah, we'll help you.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so - There you go.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, you need one more more.
- Okay.
- You'll be great.
Take care of yourself.
Rachel.
BURL: Good luck.
You're a star.
Thank you so much.
(laughter) Itchy Cat, can you help me sweep? - (squeals) - Please? (cheering) Itchy Cat? Let's sweep together.
Come on.
Yeah, just sweep it there.
Thank you so much.
You know, maybe I judged yeast infections all wrong.
Thank you so much.
This is a metaphor for something, but I don't know what.
(cheering, applause, whistling) Oh.
Hello.
I I totally saw you there.
- (laughter) - You know when people think of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, one word comes to mind.
I'm talking about "sex.
" Ooh! Did you all just collectively shudder at that nasty word? That's right, "sex.
" "Doin' it.
" "A special hug.
" (laughter) "Half past hump o'clock.
" And so we here at Crazy Sex-Girlfriend ha! We've prepared for you a little sex medley.
("The Sexy Getting Ready Song" begins) (audience whooping) Uh! It's the sexy gettin' medley song (cheering) The sexy gettin' medley song Ooh Primpin' and pluckin' Brushin' and rubbin' The sexy gettin' medley song First I make Everything shiny and smooth Oh, yeah 'Cause I want my body To be so soft for you Bye-bye, skin I'm gonna make this night One you'll never forget, ah Ass blood 'Cause, boy I know you like An hourglass silhoue Ette Ooh, what's happening with my (cheering) ("We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now" begins) We should definitely not have sex right now We should definitely not have sex right now It would complicate the situation - Ooh.
- It's the adult thing To not have sex right now We have the common sense not to have sex right now I need time to reflect And I'm in a really weird place (cheering, whooping) But you know what? Screw it.
("Strip Away My Conscience" begins) (cheering) Strip away my conscience Peel away my values Rip off my compassion with your teeth Pound away my morals Spank off all my kindness, ooh! Expose the dormant bitch that lies beneath (soft, rhythmic grunting) Michael, what are you doing? It's a sex medley, so I'm dancing with my sexy electric toothbrushes.
(cheering) - (rhythmic grunting) - What are what are you (laughs): what what are you hey, what are you talking about? That's what that song I sang was about, right? Electric toothbrushes being so, so sexy.
No.
(laughs): Michael Oh, yeah.
- Michael - Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy, buzzy Buzzy, buzzy.
Michael, no, that song was about pleasing a woman.
What's a woman? (laughter) You devil Lead me to the dark side Like a lamb to the slaughter Then do me in a hot tub Filled with evil 'stead of water Let's make war, not love All night and day It's hot here in hell, so Oh.
Uh-oh.
Something just happened.
(audience whooping) Ah, this, uh Oh, boy.
This might not be the right time to do this medley.
Unless you want to have (cheering) ("Period Sex" begins) Period sex Period sex Put down a towel Party till it's dry With some period sex Period sex It's a little gross but I'm less likely to get pregnant During period sex, period sex Think of it as just Mother Nature's juice cleanse Period sex, period sex Period sex Sex, sex, sex, sex.
(applause and cheering) Get off! Get off the stage.
Come on.
Get off! This is Scott's time now.
Okay.
Speaking of getting off Unfortunately, I want to have period sex with you - Okay.
- (cheering) I don't know what happened Maybe you lost some water weight For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list - (audience whooping) - Let's get this over with So I can focus on other tasks Let's have intercourse (cheering) Just pretend I'm seducing you Hey, actually, can we not do this big lift coming up? Oh, my God, my back hurts so bad.
- Good.
It's just, I don't like it, either.
- Okay.
Come on, let's quickly have intercourse So I can move on - (grunts) - With my life Turn around.
Let's see the butt.
Nice.
Yup.
I know.
That's what you want.
My busy life You and I Are both highly intelligent people Oh, that's nice.
- Although I'm - Oh.
Oh! In much better physical shape (cheering) And once we do it it'll be like Well, that's what that was like And then you'll hopefully go back To seeming weird to me But right now, let's have intercourse Ow, Scott.
I mean, obviously you want to, too Just super quickly have intercourse Good thing I happen to have an old condom in my wallet.
(cheering, applause) You know what? It's a good thing you have that condom, Scott, even though it is way too big for you.
(laughter) Because even though I am on my period, I can still get pregnant, because PSA and fun fact Sperm can live in the uterus for up to five days.
- Did somebody say "sperm"? - Oh, no.
- ("My Sperm is Healthy" playing) - (cheering) Uh-huh My sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy Yeah, yeah.
My sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy! That's also another song from the show.
RACHEL: Yeah.
Cool.
We'll be right back.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, they're trying to get me pregnant.
They don't know how it works.
Okay.
Okay, I think this is actually a money shot.
I don't (laughter) No, get off me! (laughs): Get off! (cheering, applause) Welcome back from commercial, everyone.
You guys, you guys, we all know the most important part of yoga is the instructor.
- (cheering) - So let us take it back to season one Valencia, bitches.
(cheering) We're in a yoga class Now is the time to let your mind go blank And focus instead On how awesome the yoga teacher is (cheering) Look at me, look at me I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga Look at me, look at me I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga Exhale on another sigh.
ALL: Rachel Bloom sucks.
I do stuff with my body That no human should be able to do Like putting my face behind my knees Turning my hands into a shoe As the morning sun kisses the lotus I kiss my own hoo-ha, can you do that? Greet each day, namaste Screw you, you're fat! - (laughter) - Look at me, look at me I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga Look at me, look at me I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga Look at her, look at her Ah.
Ah.
Look at her, look at her I'm so much better than you Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah - Om! - Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah - Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah - I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga - Nyah-nyah, nyah - Om! Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah - Nyah-nyah, nyah.
- Om! (cheering, applause) You know, um, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend We have a lot of fun, but really, it is, at its heart, an earnest tribute to the art of musical theater.
(laughter) (cheering, applause) From Gilbert and Sullivan to Hamilton.
We've done neither of those genres.
(laughter) So when we sat around and we thought, let's do an actual, inspirational musical theater song, we could think of no one better to do it justice than Miss Vella Lovell.
(cheering) No.
Yeah.
So, no.
So, Rachel, I'm actually not a musical theater person at all.
Um, actually, singing and dancing - makes me V uncomfortable, so - ("The Moment is Me" playing) Oh, okay, Adam.
Uh, guess you could just force me to sing a song that I don't want to What does the future hold? What will tomorrow No.
Bring me Don't Dave Will be told Please don't dance okay.
What song is gonna sing me - I'm gonna do it.
- No okay.
This is my time to shine, step out of the line Throw open all the windows Wow.
Might be an uphill climb, but I just got to find What's at the end - What ? - Say it.
- No, no, I don't - Say "rainbow.
" - Of this rainbow - Yeah! 'Cause the clock just keeps on ticking It doesn't care that time goes by You're just following me, okay.
The clock knows its destiny So why don't I? Where'd you learn this dance? 'Cause today's tomorrow's yesterday Can't let the future slip You're psychotic.
Can't wait to meet whoever I will be What was that? 'Cause I am the moment The moment is me David is the moment David is not the moment.
This is literally my moment, it's the title of the song.
Wow.
Wow, look who cares a very lot all of a sudden.
(laughter) The moment is We.
(cheering, applause) - Thank you! - Okay.
David Hull, everyone.
David Hull, ladies and gentlemen.
- (song ends) - Thank you! David Hull, everyone! VELLA: Oh, Lord.
(cheering) RACHEL: So, I think one of the most gratifying things about doing this show is having people tell us, um, that-that sometimes, they see things in the show or hear songs that make them feel, uh, a little less alone.
Um, but what you might not know is, it's kind of the same thing for the songwriters and-and the writers, too.
There are certain songs you write, uh, and lyrics that you write or pieces of dialogue you write that you're like, "Ugh, am I the only one who's felt this? Am I, like, the weirdo? Is this gonna go over well?" And so just know when you say that you feel less alone, you make us feel less alone.
- (cheering, applause) - Really.
(intro to "The Darkness" playing) In my life, I've had so many men But there's one I come back to again and again We've been on and off For such a long time And now he's back And I'm feeling oh, so fine He's the darkness My first love, my true love The darkness He knows me better than anyone He holds me close and whispers things That I don't want to hear When I feel the butterflies of dread I know the darkness is near Well, Rebecca - (cheering, applause) - You've done it now Yeah, you guys know this one.
Karma's come to tap you on the shoulder All that lying that's been festering Plus breaking and entering Is coming now to crush you like a boulder You ruined everything You stupid bitch You ruined everything You stupid, stupid bitch You're just a lying little bitch who ruins things And wants the world to burn Bitch You're a stupid bitch And lose some weight (cheering) You ruined everything You stupid bitch Sing with me! You ruined everything You stupid, stupid bitch Yes, I deserve this! You're just a poopy little slut Who doesn't think and deceives the people she loves Now he knows I'm not some innocent lamb He sees me for what I am Which is a horrible, stupid Dumb and ugly Fat and stupid Simple, self-hating Bi Bitch ! (song ends) (loud cheering) ("I've Got My Head in the Clouds" begins) (cheering, applause) I've got my head in the clouds 'Cause that's where heaven is No longer stuck in the muck on the ground I figured out how to live It's with my head in the clouds Got no cares anymore No obligations are holding me down That's what religion is for My puzzle is solved 'Cause I'm absolved My life will be splendid now that I've transcended When things get scary, just say ten Hail Marys I'm Turin off my shroud - ("Angry Mad" begins) - (grunting) Angry! Feeling bad! (grunts) Why do I feel this way? Angry! Mad! My heart is hurting! And it feels bad! (cheering) (grunts) Bad! (song ends) (cheering, applause) ("I Hate Everything But You" begins) The smell of the water, kids screaming with joy I've hated crap like that since I was a boy While everyone was laughing and having so much fun I would mutter "This sucks" till the day was done I detested most stuff and I still do You see, I hate everything but you I hate the feeling of the sun when it hits my skin I don't like bands that have a guy on mandolin I hate when people post pictures With the hashtag "mood" I hate when people call blueberries a superfood I hate when people say, "Ooh, it's magic hour" Or when people actually stop and smell a flower I hate white women who call their engagement rings "Bling," oh, yes I hate everything but you I hate the phrase "Love conquers all" And I hate that it's true 'Cause I want to not hate things when I'm with you You love so many things and you have so much fun It makes me wish my hating days were done And there's one thing I want you to know I'll always Hate guys who name their cars.
(laughter) - (song ends) - (cheering, applause) (laughs): Ah.
Ugh, no.
I hear you, Skylar, I mean, t-this show sucks.
I-I get it, Skylar.
Oh, thanks, randomly overdressed crew guy.
I appreciate it.
No, I Actually, I'm actually a-a recurring character on the show.
Oh, yes, right.
Uh-uh, Dennis.
No, it's Danny, actually, that is my name.
- (cheering, applause) - Uh you know No, 'cause I-I got to tell you, this show's been a little rough on me, all right? I-I had to hold a board for Vinnie, which was absolutely terrifying, and, uh No, you know what? Uh, I-I'm taking over.
Bring out the full orchestra.
(cheering) Strike my mic stand, Rachel Bloom.
Yes, sir, right away, Mr.
Jolles.
I am sorry for the disrespect.
(laughter) As you gosh-darn should, Rachel.
Give me the coolest lights you guys got.
(laughter) (cheering) This is it.
It's finally my turn.
- (cheering, applause) - (drumroll plays) It's me It's finally me And no one can say a word 'Cause this time, I stood up for myself And I'll finally be heard Danny won't be ignored Danny won't be interrupted - Because this time, oh, my God - (cheering) I finally get to fini - (music stops) - What? Son of a - (cheering, applause) - Come on! (cheering, applause) ("A Diagnosis" begins) (exhales) For almost 30 years, I've known something was wrong But Mom said weakness causes bloating So I tried to be strong Fake it till you make it That's how I got by And when I tried to find the reason For my sadness and terror All the solutions were trial and error Take this pill, say this chant Move here for this guy But now there's no need for regret 'Cause I'm about to get A diagnosis A diagnosis Don't tell me "No, sister, you don't fit in" Doc, prescribe me my tribe, give me my throng Tell me that this whole time I've belonged With those other people who share My diagnosis What could it be? What could be right? Schizophrenic or bipolar lite? I've never heard voices, but maybe it's time to start - BOTH: You're super cool, Rachel! - Thank you so much.
Obsessives with numbers, hoarders with cats I could really rock a tinfoil hat Perfect they're not, but at least they know who they are No more bad pills, fads or tricks Who says there isn't an easy fix? There kind of is (cheering, applause) ("Anti-Depressants Are So Not a Big Deal" begins) From the moment that we learn to walk and speak Our parents tell us everyone's unique Now, I'm not saying that advice is bad 'Cause she wrote it.
But honey, you're not special 'Cause you're sad Not special, no, you're not The butcher, the baker The grocery clerk They're all on 20 milligrams or so The movers, the shakers, the happy homemakers You'd be surprised how many of them know Anti-depressants are so not a big deal Big whoop, you're on an anti-depressant Sweet cheeks, here's the deal Welcome to the club with open admission You're cast in the play that has no audition Yes, everyone is special, that's usually the sitch But when it comes to meds, you're such a basic bitch Watch them tap, y'all, they're fabulous.
(cheering, applause) Fluoxetine, Fluoxetine Paroxetine, paroxetine Our lawyers won't let us say brand names And remember, don't be a lawyer.
- Okay - (cheering, applause) Anti-depressants are so not a big deal Big whoop, you're on an anti-depressant Yawn, here's the spiel Some cry that in the past, we didn't medicate Everyone Hello.
Witch trials and the Crusades sound like so much fun - Come on.
- Anti-depressants Are so common That taking them is all we have in common.
(cheering, applause) Thank you, thank you so much, Thank you to everyone here and everyone watching this at home.
Thank you for loving us and singing our songs to your babies and your pets.
Thank you, and have a good night.
(cheering, applause)