Ghosts (2021) s04e18 Episode Script

1
What's going on?
Remember that ghost
trap from a few years ago
that you got stuck in and
then almost eviscerated by?
Yeah, Thor recall.
Well, I have a theory that
if I can get inside of it,
Sam and Jay can carry
me off the property,
and I could finally get to Shiki.
Assuming Jay can fix it.
ISAAC: Well, it's a
ghost trap from Latvia,
and he's a chef with an
all-in-one screwdriver.
I'm not loving our odds.
TREVOR: And now he's blowing on it
like it's a Nintendo cartridge.
Which, honestly,
used to work like 90% of the time.
Damn it, still nothing.
SAMANTHA: Sweetie, let's
call the repair line.
Maybe they could send someone.
Babe, I got this.
Jay's got a lot of great qualities,
but being handy is not one of them.
Maybe if we put it in rice.
He's a loving husband, a good friend
Not to make things awkward
by stating them out loud
but that's also sort
of a fun thing to do
wasn't Pete trying to set you two up?
And now, you're going for Shiki?
Sometimes the story
wants to take a turn.
Sure, it seemed like Sass
and I were meant to be,
but then we found out Shiki
still holds a torch for our boy.
And then Joan convinced me to be bold
and go after Shiki.
A perilous trip in a
ghost trap for love.
I mean, that's what
the people want to see.
That and a huge monkey in
love with a beautiful woman.
Sass, how do you actually know
that you can cross the ghost
boundary in the ghost trap?
Yeah, won't trap just spit you out,
like when you try to cross in landship?
Maybe, but, unlike a car,
the walls of the ghost trap
are impenetrable to ghosts.
So you're saying the ghost trap
could override the boundary.
[GASPS] And then you
could get off the property.
And finally end centuries of
torturous sexual frustration.
- We are rooting for you.
- Thanks.
Damn it, I think the
circuit board is shorted out.
He doesn't know what
any of those words mean.
- [CLATTERING]
- Uh
Oh, that screw's probably extra.
♪
[TREVOR STRAINING]
[LAUGHS]
Set your watch, Flower.
'Cause in a mere three hours,
I'm about to land something
incredible on eBay.
I don't have a watch.
I have a tattoo of a sundial,
but I'm not sure that's helpful here.
I'm about to be the
proud owner of a piece
of cinematic history.
[GASPS]
The original ice skates
worn by Moira Kelly
in the figure skating rom-com
The Cutting Edge.
- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
Trevor, you're the
only ghost with a job.
Why don't you try doing something
good with all your money?
I am doing something good.
I'm keeping these
skates from the clutches
of Moira Kelly foot fetish freaks.
By having them go to
just a regular stalker?
I'm a cinephile.
Trevor, instead of
being a capitalist pig,
why don't you donate
your money to a charity?
You could save the narwhals.
If narwhals are real,
which I think they are.
Look, you don't get it
'cause you don't have any money.
It's easy for you to
say "give it all away"
when it doesn't cost you anything.
Fine, go ahead.
Buy your ice skates
you can't do anything but look at.
That's not true. I can smell them.
Which I won't. Because I'm not a creep,
as we previously established.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, I'm Jay.
You must be the ghost trap repairman.
That his wife called behind his back.
REPAIRMAN: Yeah,
I am Janis.
Okay, well, FYI,
it's like 80% fixed already, so
Shh.
JAY: What's going on?
You have ghosts.
What? How-how would you even know that?
You haven't even used
any of your equipment yet.
Janis can tell. Janis know ghosts.
What is he doing?
- I take care for you.
- [WHIRRING]
[SHOUTING] Retreat!
Uh, don't shoot!
I mean, we don't think that's necessary.
- [WHIRRING STOPS]
- Is no charge.
Janis enjoy destroy ghosts.
JAY: Oh, well, we appreciate the offer,
but we really just need
the ghost trap fixed today.
I mean, it's just in the other room.
Yeah, you better run.
What the hell, Thor?
You ducked behind me when that guy
pulled out the ghost gun.
Uh Thor not think so.
It was really quite pitiful.
JOAN: Sass,
you jumped right in front of me.
Oh, it just seemed like the thing to do.
ALBERTA: Hmm, not the thing
that everybody was doing, though.
Uh, Thor was
trying to protect your backside
from potential laser beam ricochet.
Unlike Sass, who cowardly
used Joan to protect
himself from ricochet.
Yeah, this is just sad.
Do you think I'm a
selfish capitalist pig?
Of course, it's one of your only
redeeming qualities. Why do you ask?
Because Flower said I
should be more charitable.
The poor are always suggesting
that the rich be more charitable,
when the truth is, if they
simply invested their money
rather than wasting it on
frivolities like bread and kindling,
they wouldn't need a handout.
Flower said that I should be
giving my money to good causes,
- like saving the narwhals.
- [GASPS]
The narwhal. Glorious creature.
And delicious with a hollandaise.
What does Flower even know?
She's never even had any money.
Perhaps what you need to
do is teach her a lesson.
- What do you mean?
- I'm saying you're right.
Flower has never had any money.
It's easy for her to judge.
But what if we were to put
those morals to the test?
What are you cooking up?
A plan in which two rich people
show a poor the error of her ways.
I like it.
You really ate a narwhal?
Just a tiny piece of one.
It was a little chewy.
Though the horn made for
a wonderful cocaine straw.
Waste not, want not.
Hmm.
SASAPPIS: Sam, ask Janis
if he thinks the ghost
trap can successfully
transport a ghost across the boundary.
Uh, Janis, can I ask you a question?
Uh, no, I do not need
to break for lunch.
Mother has made me many pierogi.
I keep in pockets for snack.
Oh, okay. That's nice.
No, let's say,
instead of using the trap
to catch and destroy a ghost,
you wanted to use it to
transport a ghost across
the ghost boundary.
"Ghost boundary"? What
is this "ghost boundary"?
Oh, it's just a theory that we have
that there might be a boundary
at the property line that confines
ghosts to the property
that they died at.
That sound silly.
Okay. Uh, let's say,
hypothetically, it exists.
JANIS: Okay, I play along.
So, what you say, ghost cannot
cross property line, hmm?
- Right.
- But also,
walls of ghost trap are
impenetrable to ghost.
- Uh-huh.
- So, then,
if you try to take ghost
across property line
inside ghost trap,
Janis think smush.
Excuse me?
Smush? Uh, we're gonna need
some clarification, Sam.
Sorry, when you say "smush "
Yes smush.
Immovable object meet
irresistible force,
ghost go smush.
Well, that sounds bad.
Not to Janis. Janis hate ghosts.
Think it very funny
to see ghost go smush.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't like that.
So, yeah, we all thought there were just
two possible outcomes to trying
to cross the ghost boundary
either it works or you get spit out
of the ghost trap but apparently
there's a third possibility
that we hadn't considered:
smushing.
I don't follow.
I don't know, Joan.
Janis didn't elaborate,
but it sounded like I
could be crushed to goo.
Disintegrated.
Wow, all you wanted
was a little smooching,
and now you're facing smushing.
I'm sorry.
Look, obviously, I don't want to
see anything bad happen to you,
but on the other hand,
we don't even know
if this Janis fellow is right.
I mean, you said it yourself,
he didn't know about the boundary.
That's true.
And he carries pierogis
his mother made him
in his pockets. I mean, that's weird.
Yeah, it doesn't bolster the case
that he's an infallible expert.
Here's my two cents:
no great love story ever ends
without fighting through some adversity,
taking a chance.
You're saying
love is worth the risk?
I'm saying that when you put
her hand in yours and you stare
into each other's eyes
a-and you feel that spark,
that's when you know
you're sitting across from
the one that was meant to be all along.
SAMANTHA: Joan, there you are.
Remember how I told you
I was working on a screenplay,
the Christmas rom-com?
Well, I'm in the second act
and I'm struggling to
think of an obstacle
to put in the way of the romantic leads.
Well, off the top of my head,
you could have an
annoying friend burst in
and ruin what could have
been a very special moment.
Yes. That's so good.
Maybe we could just get
something down while you're here.
I'm gonna step out.
Are you sure?
You're a storyteller, you could help.
I'm good.
Poor guy, probably felt
like a bit of a third wheel.
[CHUCKLES]
Ah, Flower, just the
person I was looking for.
Oh, sorry, were we
playing hide-and-seek?
I forgot.
No, I was thinking about
what you said earlier,
and you were right.
I should be doing something
good with my money.
So here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm giving you $5,000,
and you use it however you want.
Really?
Huh. What a magnanimous gesture,
with no obvious ulterior motive.
Trevor,
this is so great.
I can do so much with that money.
[GASPS] There's a cat shelter in town
that's always sending
flyers for donations.
And the previously mentioned narwhals,
if they, in fact, exist.
Or you could keep the money.
For yourself. Get something you want.
If it makes you feel better,
you can spend the money on me.
Maybe sort of a nice middle ground?
Ooh, there's a spot on my wall
that would be perfect for
a life-sized Momoa poster.
FLOWER: No, I am a charitable person.
I need to do good with it.
HETTY: That makes sense. Besides,
what earthly possession could even
improve the life of a ghost?
I mean, except for the
obvious choice: candles.
- Candles?
- Mmm, their sweet, sweet smell,
something even a ghost can enjoy.
And they come in so many
different fragrances now.
Vanilla bean,
sandalwood,
patchouli.
- Patchouli?
- But I digress.
You stick to your guns.
Do good for others you will never meet,
despite the fact that a
magical world of candles
is but a push of Samantha's finger
on a computer button away.
ALBERTA: Ah, damn it. I can
feel Momoa slipping away.
SASAPPIS: Hey, guys, can I talk to you?
It's about Shiki.
Um, do you think I'm
rushing into things?
Well, it's been 500 years,
so Thor going to go with "no."
Yeah, but now people are
talking about smushing,
and the truth is, in some ways,
I don't even know Shiki that well.
Because the extent of your relationship
consisted of a dozen hellos?
It was 13.
Sasappis, you've been carrying a torch
for this woman for half a millennia.
Where is this hesitancy coming from?
Okay, the truth is
I think I had a moment with Joan.
And, honestly, I don't know,
it-it felt kind of right.
Well, maybe you should
listen to that feeling.
Yeah. There's a lot of strong arguments
to be made for you and Joan.
She's already here on the property,
you and she have spoken
in the past five centuries,
you wouldn't have to risk
being smushed into goo.
Maybe you're right.
And maybe the whole thing is in my head,
but I need to find out.
I need to talk to Joan.
Yes, go to her.
"Be bold, and mighty forces
will come to your aid."
That's Goethe.
But I know it from Samantha
showing us Almost Famous
during that Kate Hudson movie night.
THORFINN: Good luck, Sass.
Can be hard to be
vulnerable with someone.
But [LAUGHS]
take it from hero who protect
Alberta's backside,
you can do this.
PETE: Hey, Joan.
What's going on?
Oh, just sitting here,
feeling like a damn fool.
Pete, I think I'm falling for Sass.
I knew you would like him.
Man, am I the greatest
matchmaker of all time?
You know, there is a
cavewoman with a unibrow
that I think Trevor would like
if he just got to know her.
No, Pete, this is bad.
Sass is going to see that Shiki woman,
and I'm just yesterday's news.
Or maybe you're who
he's meant to be with.
You'll never know unless
you tell him how you feel.
I just don't know what I'd say.
Well, we could workshop
it, do a little improv.
You pretend I'm Sass,
I'll pretend you're you,
and just for fun,
we're on a pirate ship.
So I just
I'm Sass. Shoot your shot.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Listen, I came here
with low expectations,
but somehow, in this
short time, it seems
I've fallen for you.
So I guess what I'm saying is,
do you think there's a world
where you might be
interested in a girl like me?
PETE: I think there's
a world like that, yeah.
Oh!
Okay, you're right. It's not that bad.
I can do that.
[PIRATE ACCENT]: Unfortunately,
the world I speak of
is in shark-infested waters.
The same sharks who got me hand!
Pretend this is a hook.
I'm not going to do that.
Fair enough, matey.
- Please stop.
- I can't.
'Tis me curse.
JANIS: Okay, ghost trap all fixed.
Thanks so much again for coming out.
- We really appreciate it.
- Is no problem.
Capturing and killing
ghosts is passion for Janis.
Oh, this man is not growing on me.
Also, Janis upgrade capacitor.
No extra charge.
What does that mean?
Means trap can now hold 100
ghosts without overloading.
Also, Janis glue on little googly eyes
because not everything
need to be so serious.
[CHUCKLES] I'll show you out.
I can't believe you're really
going through with this, Sass.
You are a brave man.
What's that supposed to mean?
You say Thor not brave?
- I No.
- Thor brave!
Vikings, man. Touchy.
They don't show you that
in the documentaries.
Hey, Sass. You a moment to chat?
Well, anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of my friends.
It's just it's important.
You know what else is important?
Me crossing the ghost boundary
to get to the love of my life.
Got it. Okay.
Well, um
I just wanted to say,
uh, good luck.
So, Flower, have you donated
all your money to charity yet?
Nope.
Yeah.
I heard you might've
gotten a little distracted.
In fact, Sam mentioned,
she helped you make a purchase.
HETTY: Don't feel bad, Flower.
Materialism is a powerful seductress.
No one will think less of you
for literally burning
all your money on candles.
But I didn't buy candles.
I bought movie memorabilia.
Sam helped me outbid you on eBay
for Moira Kelly's ice skates.
Wait, what? You outbid me?
- Mm-hmm.
- What are you going to do with the skates?
Sell them back to you for $10,000,
which will help me save
twice as many narwhals,
if they, in fact, exist.
I'm not giving you a penny.
Fine.
Then I'll just have Thor
zap them with electricity
till they catch on fire.
We were always burning things
in the '60s: bras, draft cards,
Governor Reagan's Cadillac.
I don't understand.
Why are you doing this?
Because it was obvious
you two were conspiring
to teach me a lesson.
We were outsmarted by a half-wit,
which makes us not even quarter-wits.
[SIGHS] It's these moments of self-doubt
when one could really use a
narwhal tusk full of cocaine.
Flower this isn't fair.
Capitalism isn't fair, Trevor.
And now you know that.
This is why you don't
give money to the poor.
Okay, Sass, after I
drop you off at Shiki's,
I got to go pick up Sam's dry cleaning,
and they close at 6:00,
so I guess it's time.
You're combining Sass's
possible smushing with an errand?
I don't have any clean sweaters.
That checks out. She's clearly
at the end of a laundry cycle.
We're in the cardigan reserves.
THORFINN: Sass, before you go,
Thor want you to know that
you've been good friend.
Oh, thanks, man. You, too.
You've always had my back.
Exactly. Back.
Most important part to protect.
Seriously, Thor?
SASAPPIS: Listen, everyone,
if things go badly today,
I just want you to know
that I love you all.
ISAAC: We feel the same.
But if the unthinkable should happen,
I just want to say,
I call dibs on his back rubs.
- Oh, damn it.
- Shoot, I forgot the dry cleaning ticket.
[CHUCKLES] I better get that.
They don't play at Happy Clean.
Be right back.
Okay.
I'm going in.
[GASPS]
[SAMANTHA GASPS]
Good luck, Sass.
Sorry that I can't watch.
It's too scary.
But I know it's going to go well.
What's going on here?
Oh, Sass is in the trap.
Jay's about to take him across
the ghost boundary to see Shiki,
barring smushing.
What? Sass, can you hear me?
What is it, Pete?
Did Joan talk to you?
SASAPPIS: She didn't need to.
I heard you guys talking in the den,
and I know you both like each other,
and it makes sense because, you know,
you both are roamers and
you both like wordplay.
What? No, Sass, she was practicing
what she wanted to say to you.
It was improv,
incredibly well-acted improv.
Wait, Joan likes me?
Where is she?
I saw her leaving the property.
She looked upset. I assumed,
per our conversation, you told her
how you felt and she rejected you.
It's a reality I
accepted without question.
No, no, no, I never told her how I felt.
I have to get out of
this trap and find her.
All right, I got the ticket.
Let's hit it.
[GHOSTS CLAMORING]
I'll go get Sam!
- Yes, yes, yes, please go get Sam!
- Aah! Sass!
- What do we do?
- Maybe you two should get into the trap.
Three ghosts overloaded it last time.
I'll stand watch and
shout encouragement.
That ain't gonna work this time.
That guy Janis upgraded the capacitor.
It holds more ghosts now.
Thor know what Thor need to do.
Be hero.
[SHOUTS]
Don't worry, Sass!
- Thor is here!
- Thor?
What are you doing?
Thor think can short out trap.
But if it doesn't work,
then we could both be goo.
Well, then,
better work.
- [SHOUTING]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Oh!
They're out! Huzzah! Thor did it.
Ah, that truly was heroic.
Oh, man, Thor is gonna be insufferable.
Dude, you risked your life to save me.
You really do have my back.
Thor have your front, too.
And top.
And bottom.
Okay.
Sass, are you okay?
How did you get out of the trap?
- Thor risked his existence for me.
- ISAAC: Maybe.
He might have actually just prevented us
from discovering once and for all
a way off of this property,
but it was still brave.
Just did what need be done.
Are you all right, Sasappis?
You look kind of down for someone
who just escaped possible liquification.
Doesn't change the fact that
I completely blew it with Joan.
I mean, how could I have thought
that she's into Pete? I'm so stupid.
I think there probably was
a nicer way to say that.
SASAPPIS: Now she's gone
and she could be anywhere.
Well, doesn't she live in L.A.?
Can't Pete go look for her?
Yes, but L.A. is massive,
from what I've seen on Selling Sunset.
Well, maybe there's a chance
that we could catch her at the airport.
Yes. Oh, my God, that's so romantic.
I almost got caught at the airport once,
but I smartly ate all my ludes
before the dog sniffed my bag.
You can chase her down
and stop her from getting on the plane
and-and tell her it's her,
she's the one I want to be with.
Sounds like you've got yourself
an act three right there.
Joan. I-I thought you left.
Oh, I did. But I decided to come back
and give you a piece of my mind,
tell you what a dummy you've been.
Thankfully, you seem to have
figured it out all on your own.
Well, now's your chance.
You have 30 seconds. Win me over.
Okay. Um, Joan
I'm kidding.
Shut up and kiss me, you fool.
Have sex now. Please, just end this.