Glee s04e18 Episode Script

I hold in my hand, ladies and gentlemen, our competition for regionals.
Drumroll, please.
From North Central High School in Indianapolis, the Hoosierdaddies.
That's very clever.
And from Our Lady of Perpetual Loneliness in Battle Creek, Michigan, the Nun-Touchables.
Wait, is that a convent? Guys, I like our chances against both these squads, but we still got a lot of work to do.
Mr.
Shue, please stop talking.
I have an announcement.
I regret to inform you a deadly asteroid is headed our way.
Wait, didn't we just go through this at Christmas? Yeah, and is it true you and Sam got married? Did that happen? Shut up, Tina.
I'm naming this comet.
Tubbington-Bopp, and it is headed straight for Lima.
Wait, so is it an asteroid or a comet? It's both.
Wouldn't NASA know something about this? We can't trust NASA.
I mean, last month a meteor exactly like Tubbington-Bopp hit Russia with no warning at all.
Oh, so now it's a meteor.
That's right, Artie, And when this meteorite hits, I will not be spending my time in this room preparing for regionals.
I will be spending my last hours making amends with somebody who I need to get right with.
Someone who I love very much.
Lord Tubbington.
So go back to your homes and hide your wife, hide your kids and hide your wife.
McKinley High, I salute you.
I'm really surprised that Jesus Christ Superstar has chosen to end the world this way instead of the way he killed off the dinosaurs, which was a global yeast infection.
Do you think God will let me be a girl angel in heaven? Wait, there are girl and boy angels? Does that mean you can have angel sex? All right.
Show of hands.
Who's worried about.
Brittany's meteor/asteroid/comet prediction? Okay.
Well, here's how I see it.
There are two possible outcomes.
First, the meteor misses us and we go to regionals and we kick butt, which will only happen if we prepare.
Or we only have a few days to live and if that's the case, we need to say everything we need to say to the people we love.
I can tell you from those couple of weeks where I couldn't talk to Emma that there is nothing worse than unfinished business with the one you love.
And meteor or no meteor any moment you have with those people might be your last one.
Bruce Springsteen always says that he plays every show as if it's his last, and that is the kind of urgency we need at regionals this year.
So this week we're either gonna sing our last songs to each other or get in touch with what it feels like to do that.
Okay, everyone.
Let's make the most of it.
Dude.
Dude, I saw her.
She goes here.
I can't believe the coincidence.
Whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
Saw who? Her.
Katie.
Okay, listen, I haven't told you 'cause it's a little embarrassing, but I've been having this text-lationship with this girl I met online.
She's funny, she's smart, she totally gets me, but I figured she lived, like, halfway across the country or something and I'd have to steal my mom's Volvo for a spring break roadie to God knows where just to meet her.
But just this morning I was taking that English test on 1984, getting totally frustrated about how I'm supposed to write an essay on the dystopian future when the book is set, like, 13 years before I was even born.
And then I looked up to clear my head and there she was.
There is one in a million like you I couldn't believe it.
I thought I was hallucinating, but she looked right back at me as she walked by.
It was definitely her.
I tried to get up and go after her, but I think I'm in love with this girl.
Dude, you've got to slow down.
You haven't even met her yet.
It's like I've more than met her, okay? Without all the awkwardness of looks or clothes or hairdos, we really got to know each other.
On the real.
I've got to meet her.
I think I'm gonna skip next hour and just go class to class, looking in the windows until I find her.
Okay, and then what? You can't just walk into the middle of some class.
You can't wait for her in the hall and say, "Hi, I'm in love with you.
" You need some kind of a plan.
And it has to be special.
Lord Tubbington, I know that through the years we haven't always gotten along.
Like the time that you filed paperwork to have me committed or the time you told the police that I was the one that brutally murdered that whole family of mice.
But I want you to know that through it all, I always loved you.
I don't think he believes me.
'Cause he won't say that he loves me, too.
What's Lord Tubbington's favorite song? I mean, maybe you could let him know how much he means to you by singing it to him.
Well, I stopped singing to Lord Tubbington out of protest when he joined the KKKK, which is the Ku Klux Klan for Kats.
You know, you could bring him by and then we could all sing to him.
That way, you know, he'll see how much you love him, and everybody else in the glee club will stop feeling like you're choosing a cat over them.
Sam, despite your outlandishly low test scores, you're a genius.
H-Hey.
How you doing? Me? Yeah, you.
I've been dying to talk to you.
Seriously? Yeah.
I saw you walk by my class this morning and I almost ran out of a test to come meet you.
I'm kind of freaking out right now.
That's cool.
So am I.
Uh, sorry.
I should really do this properly.
I'm Ryder Lynn.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Would you mind coming with me? Hey, how you doing? What is happening? And who are they? They're the band.
And Oh, my God.
If I know you the way I think I do, you're gonna love it even more after.
It's a little bit funny This feeling inside I'm not one of those Who can easily hide Don't have much money but, boy If I did I'd buy a big house where We both could live If I was a sculptor But then again, no Or a man who makes potions in a Traveling show, oh, I Know it's not much, but it's the best I can do My gift is my song, and This one's for you And you can tell everybody This is your song It may be quite simple, but Now that it's done I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is While you're in the world I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is While you're in the world While you're in the world.
Okay, you are such a good singer, and your arms are, like, so hunky.
I'm literally dying.
Uh, but why me? After all the time we've spent getting to know each other on Facebook and-and IM-ing and texting, I just I wanted the first time we met in person to be something we remembered for the rest of our lives.
Okay, but we haven't been doing any of those things.
Yeah, we have.
The last few weeks, we've told each other everything.
All our secrets, our dreams.
Come on, Katie, you don't have to be embarrassed.
But my name's not Katie.
It's Marissa.
No.
No, I, um Look.
See? Uh here are all our texts, and that's a picture you sent me of yourself.
Well, yeah, that's my picture, but I didn't send it to you.
I-I never wrote any of those texts.
Oh, my God.
Someone's catfishing you.
It happened to Manti Te'o.
Someone stole a picture of me and used it created a fake identity to get close to you.
Who the hell would do something like that? I'm so sorry, Ryder.
But please please call me.
Hey! Hey! - Hey, which one of you was it? - Whoa, dude.
Dude.
It was you, wasn't it? What are you doing? You need to calm down.
Stringing me along online, pretending to be somebody else, getting me to send you pictures? Because you still like me and this is your warped way of showing it? Well, that's messed up, Marley.
Ryder, I swear to you, it-it This is not me.
Then it was you.
Dude, I wouldn't do something like this.
You know, I get it, all right? I get it that you didn't like me back.
I get it that I crossed the line, but you didn't have to humiliate me.
You didn't have to make me feel so pathetic.
I thought you were still my friends.
I swear to you we did not do this.
Well, it had to be somebody close to me, all right? Somebody who knew exactly what to say to get me to trust them.
Do you want to talk about it? I don't want anything from anyone.
Especially not either of you.
Dude.
Dude.
Wow.
Whoa.
Saying I love you Is not the words I want to hear from you It's not that I want you Not to say, but if you only knew How easy It would be to show me how you feel More than words Is all you have to do To make it real Then you wouldn't Have to say That you love me 'Cause I'd already know What would you do If my heart was torn in two More than words To show you feel That your love for me is real What would you say If I took Those words away Then you couldn't make things new Just by saying I love You.
What is this? A little din-din, inspired by one of our favorite movies.
The Godfather? Lady and the Tramp.
Oh.
Oh.
Mmm.
Come sit down.
This looks great.
Right here.
I mean, what-what's this all about? Well, as you've heard, that Tubbington-Bopp's getting close to Earth.
Oh.
And if it hits, we're all gonna be deader than a bunch of baby chickens fighting a dachshund.
So, I figured if I had one more week upright, I wanted to do something special with my most special friend.
Well, that is very lovely.
Thank you so much.
And, hey, why worry about carbs when we're all gonna die anyway? Hello.
Hello.
So, I heard about your, uh, glee lesson.
About last chances and finally saying everything you want to say.
Yeah, I think that the kids are really taking to it.
Mmm.
This is delicious.
I boiled the pasta in the hot tub in the training room.
I-I changed the water first.
But there is something about that thing that just gives it the perfect al dente.
All right.
So, anyway Oh, man.
I have punched a charging hippo square in the face, and not been as scared as I am right now.
Talk to me.
What-what is going on? You are the the first guy that was ever willing to kiss me.
The first one that ever made me feel like a girl.
I am proud to have been that man in your life.
Whoa.
I want you to be the man in my life.
For the first time since we've known each other, we're both single.
Oh, please say something.
I If you don't, I'm-I'm gonna die.
Shannon Emma and I are back together.
I've been meaning to tell you about it.
I mean, we have been for a week or so.
I-I want you be happy for me, and I-I Let's just talk about this over this incredible dinner.
I I don't think I have much of an appetite.
I'm sorry.
Shannon Of course I'm mad Esteemed members of the Astronomy Club, I have an announcement.
I have recently discovered that the Tubbington-Bopp is not an asteroid.
It is a dead ladybug at the end of my telescope.
And I have also discovered that my telescope is not a telescope.
It is a Pringles can.
Hallelujah, we're saved.
Oh, thank God.
However, however, I feel that I have disgraced this fine institution and I am hereby disbanding the Astronomy Club.
What? This club is my community service.
Shine on, young astronomers, and I guess good night.
Forever.
It's good news, we're alive.
Can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
What's up? The meteor made me realize that there is something I really want to say to you.
Brittany, I have always looked up to you.
Thank you, Becky.
Let's both not ever graduate.
The-the world out there is really scary.
Someday, they will make me leave here, and I don't know what I'm going to do.
Okay, but, Becky, I can't stay here.
I aced my SATs, which means that if I graduate, I can go to whatever college I want to.
But I can't go to college.
Becky, I know it's scary.
And it would be so cool to be a Cheerio again with you next year.
But I have to move on.
And so do you.
And if you really prepare yourself, the world won't seem like such a scary place.
Pinkie promise.
Pinkie promise that.
I love you, Brittany.
I love you, too.
Hey, Will, you wanted to see me? We wanted you to join us for our first annual.
"Thank God the World Isn't Ending" glee practice.
It's where I can throw Junior Mints at Marley without feeling bad about it again.
Sit down.
Mm, I don't know, Will.
Come on, we're gonna sing some songs, maybe bust out a few dance moves.
I may even rap.
Okay.
All right! Let's get started.
Everyone just spread out and hide, spread out and hide.
Find a place to hide! Please, go over there.
No, wait Are we even sure those are gunshots? Shh! Here, hey, guys, guys, guys.
Start texting, tweeting, let everyone know what's going on.
But don't tell them we're here, all right? Shooters have smartphones, too.
It's okay.
Guys we're all just gonna stay here, okay? Got nowhere to be, we don't know what's out there.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I love you guys.
It's okay.
Shh.
It's okay.
It's all right.
Sam.
Sam.
Sam.
What are you doing? Sam, get down.
Get down.
Get down.
I have to go.
Brittany doesn't have her phone on her.
She's in the bathroom.
She left it here.
Sam, Sam, sit down.
Sam, sit down.
Tina isn't here, either.
Who are you texting? It's my mom.
There's no back way out when you're in the kitchen.
It's okay, it's okay.
Where is she? I don't know why she's not answering.
She'll be okay.
No one's gonna hurt your mom.
Everyone really likes her.
Marley.
When we were doing Grease, I took in all your costumes so that you'd think you were fat.
I'm so sorry.
I have to go.
Where are you going? I have to go.
No, are you crazy? Shh.
Kitty.
Stay down.
Kitty.
Yes! Kitty.
Kitty.
Kitty.
Kitty.
Stay down.
Get down! Sam.
Sam.
I have to go.
I got to go.
She's out there all alone, she doesn't have anybody out there.
Sam, no.
I have to go, I don't care.
Come on, Sam.
I don't care.
Come on, Sam! No, let go of me! I'm going! Sam! Sam, listen! I don't care! Shh! I don't care! Sam, listen.
You are putting everybody's life in danger.
Look at them.
Look at them.
Look at them.
Sam, it's okay.
It's okay, Sam.
Sam, go sit.
Go sit with Artie.
Go sit with him.
Shh.
Ryder, what are you doing? Get down! What are you doing? What are you doing? Principal Figgins, I need to go back in.
It's Glee practice, and everyone is in the choir room.
I was late.
No way.
Not until the police go in and give the all-clear! Artie, what are you doing? If we don't get out of here, people need to see this.
Does anybody have anything they want to say? Yeah.
Me.
I love you, Dad.
Thanks for, like everything.
And I know I don't always let you know, but you've taught me a lot.
There's a fake bottom to my desk drawer.
If you look under it, um there's a journal with a bunch of songs that I wrote.
I've never told anyone, but I'm really proud of them.
Uh Mom, Puck I love you guys.
You guys.
Turn it off.
Please turn it off.
Sam Brittany? Mr.
Shue.
Oh.
It's okay.
Everyone all right? I want to call her.
Who? Katie.
I thought you said she was fake? Look, she's someone and I still care about her, okay? I'm calling her.
Yeah.
Come on, pick up, pick up.
Pick up, please.
Please.
Shh! Turn it off! Turn the phone off.
Shh.
You guys find that phone, and turn it off.
Hang up.
Hang up the phone, Ryder.
Hang up.
Hang up.
Hang up the phone.
Shh! Shh! Shut up! Hang up the phone.
Shh.
All clear! Is everybody here? All clear! All clear! Oh, my God.
All clear! All clear! My God.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Where's Tina? You guys get over here.
You guys, come here.
You kids, get in here.
Come here.
It's okay.
It's okay.
We're all here.
I love you all.
I love you guys.
Every one of you.
You guys were awesome.
Seriously? At the risk of stepping out of character, I brought donuts to calm everyone's frayed nerves, until some rent-a-cop put his greasy palm prints all over my French crullers.
Hmm.
I don't mind.
I'll never forget the look on their faces when that gun went off.
Something was taken from them their innocence, their idealism, their feeling of safety.
I just hope we get the students back.
Half of them didn't even show up today.
Oh, my goodness, I haven't seen this level of overreaction since Janet Jackson showed her saggy fun bag at the Super Bowl.
What if it wasn't even a gun? You ever think about that? Cops didn't find one.
It could just as easily have been firecrackers, or a car backfiring.
I grew up on a farm, and I know what a gunshot sounds like.
Somebody fired a gun in this school.
And quite frankly, I don't feel safe knowing there's some kid with a gun stuffed in his backpack walking around these halls.
No.
Either the kid took the gun home, in which case, they won't be able to bring it back because of the new metal detectors.
Or the kid stashed it somewhere here at school.
Yeah.
In which case, the police are going to find it.
I mean, they are searching every locker, and interviewing every single student.
Every single student? Yeah.
Then when they find who did it, the kid's going to be expelled.
Well, no student's going to get expelled.
Why not? 'Cause it was my gun.
It's registered.
I have a license for it.
I'm sorry, but in light of recent events, I feel more safe with it in my office.
Look, Sue, I'm not going to argue the merits of armed teachers right now.
It's a different world from when you and I started teaching.
Or rather, when I started teaching, and you started doing whatever it is that you do.
The safety net of the public mental health system is gone.
Parents with troubled kids are too busy working three jobs to look after them, and the gun yahoos have everyone so worked up about Obama taking away their guns that every house has a readily-available arsenal.
But having a gun to make you feel safe, and shooting it in school are two different things.
I was just doing my daily safety check, making sure Uma Thurman that's what I call her was locked up tight, and she accidentally went off.
When she fired, I dropped her, and the second shot came when the gun hit the floor.
This doesn't make any sense, Sue.
Bullets leave bullet marks, shell casings.
The casings are at the bottom of a lake.
And I moved some posters and a tub of protein powder to cover up the holes.
"Cover-up" is the optimal phrase.
I panicked.
Okay? I'm I'm sorry.
It took a couple of days for me to come to my senses, but I'm here now, ready to take my punishment.
You do realize my hands are tied, don't you? I have to report to the police and the school board.
There are policies in place, Sue.
Zero tolerance policies.
Yeah, I'm aware of them.
You know, it's funny how this stuff works out.
An entire career doing the right thing, winning.
I sent Cheerios off to the Ivy Leagues.
I educated girls who are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.
They're mothers, gold medalists.
I've coached two Grammy winners, an Internet billionaire and a lesbian secretary of state.
But all I'll be remembered for is this one thing.
It'll be the first line of my obituary.
I'm sorry, Sue.
I have no choice.
I couldn't sleep, neither could my mom and dad, so we just stayed up all night, talking and crying and hugging each other.
I know.
My parents wanted me to stay home this week, but I told them, no way.
It sounds crazy, Blaine, but I I wanted to be in that choir room with you guys.
Believe me, you didn't.
It was the most scared I think I've ever been in my life.
Me, too, but not because of what was happening, but because I couldn't get to you, or do anything to help you, or Or even say good-bye.
I-I think the important thing is that no one got hurt.
Yeah.
And that you know that you're my family.
Everybody in that room is my family.
And I didn't want the last thing you guys heard from me is some snarky comment about how I never get solos.
Oh, I love you, Tina.
Oh.
Now you listen to me.
You were there in the choir room with us.
Mm-hmm.
Okay? You were there.
Come on.
Read my lips because we know you can't read words.
I didn't catfish you.
I'm not into guys who look like life-sized cartoon wieners.
Now excuse me, because just thinking about me and you dating makes me drier than the cast of Hot in Cleveland.
It's totally her.
Think of it.
Kitty and Katie are practically the same name.
That's genius, because it's so obvious.
Brittany's dating Sam, Unique's ringtone is.
"Bootylicious," and Sugar and Tina weren't even there.
Okay, so what if it is Kitty? Would it really be that bad? You have to admit, she has been much cooler lately, and maybe the only way she can be completely honest is by being anonymous.
What if it's that bass player with the bowl cut, or Brad, the piano player? W-Whoever it is, I'll find out at 3:30.
Okay? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
The first word I'd use to describe you would be brave.
Hmm.
Then, funny, strong inside and out, great hugger, and wears kick-ass red lipstick.
In fact, that's what I used to describe you in this.
Online dating? Nobody ever meets anyone on this.
Of course they do.
How do you think everyone's meeting up nowadays? How did you know my favorite Beatle was George? And my favorite food was everything? You know, I-I I could not have gone through that horror the other day without you.
I know this seems scary, but the time for you to get out there is now.
Thank you, Will, for doing this for me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So, you think anyone's going to respond to this? Jackpot.
You got one already.
Hmm.
He's in Oregon, he's a former football coach, too.
Ken Tanaka.
Hi, baby.
Are you feeling any more normal? Not really.
I mean, I was genuinely scared when I was in the choir room, and you were out here all alone.
Couldn't stop thinking about you.
You were all I thought about, too.
Not Lord Tubbington? No.
At first, I thought he might be the one doing the shooting.
I've kind of been a jerk about him lately.
I mean, it's not like he's that nice to me.
I shut down his e-mail account so he wouldn't send you any more harassing messages.
Look, he's your cat, and if he's important to you, he's important to me, too.
That said Mm.
I've been thinking that we needed something that's really ours.
We had a fake wedding, and I think we should also start a fake family.
Did you get me a fake baby? Better.
Her name is Lady Tubbington.
I made sure to get a fat one at the shelter so Lord Tubbington doesn't feel self-conscious.
Oh.
How long was she in there for? A while.
Oh.
She's amazing.
Mm.
I love you.
I love you.
Why, Sue? Why did you do it? Well, I had my reasons.
I explained them to Principal Figgins.
I heard but I don't accept that.
Bringing a gun to school? That's not you.
I was scared, Coach.
About graduating, being out in the world with no one to protect me.
Honey, told you.
You will always have a place here.
No.
I wanted to be prepared and protect myself! I need help.
I don't know what to tell you, Will.
I stand by my actions.
Becky give me the gun.
Where did you get that? It's my dad's.
I wanted to be ready.
Oh, I know sweetheart.
Don't worry about it.
I completely understand.
Just-just give me the gun.
So, that's it? This is how it ends? Give me something so I can talk to Figgins.
Let me help you.
I'm sorry, Coach.
I'm sorry.
Shh.
Shh.
It's okay.
Come on! Oh! It's okay.
I'll take care of it.
Keep an eye on Becky, will you? She's tough, but like all the kids, she gets scared sometimes.
Thanks, buddy.
Shouldn't you be at the mandatory school assembly? We're having a secret Glee Club meeting instead, but I was waiting for someone.
She was supposed to meet me here at 3:30.
Well, good luck with that.
What? Aren't you gonna write me up for not being at the assembly? I would, but I don't work here anymore.
Take all of your wasted honor Every little past frustration Take all of your so-called problems Better put 'em in quotations Say what you need to say Ooh, ooh Say what you need to say Ooh, ooh Say what you need to say Ooh, ooh Say what you need to say Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Walking like a one man army Fighting with the shadows in your head Living out the same old moment Knowing you'd be better off instead If you could only Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Have no fear for giving in Oh Have no fear for giving over Oh You'd better know that in the end It's better to say too much Ooh Than never to say what you need to say again Even if your hands are shaking Oh, oh Oh, oh Do it with a heart wide open Ah, ah-ah Ah, ah Ah, ah, say what You need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Oh, say what Say what you need to say Oh, say what Say what you need to say Oh, say what Say what you need to say Oh, say Say what you need to say Oh, say what Say what you need to say Oh, say what Say what you need to say Oh, say what Say what you need to say.
Say what you need to say Mom, Dad, I love you guys, and there is a cat in my backpack in my locker.
Please feed her for me.
Anyone that ever watches this, never stop believing in yourself.
Hi, Mom and Dad.
I just wanted you to know that I love you.
And this has been the best year of my life.
Even though maybe it didn't seem like it.
I just want to say that I've had the best experience of my entire life in this room, and that I love these people more than anything.